Where do I begin? I can’t take these out-of-place pod people anymore! Go back to your fucking hometowns and do your beard, art and coffee thing over there! See how they like it – you hipster fucks were never meant to come and homogenize and pussify the great borough of Brooklyn. First let me say that this was the most emailed story to me in the history of my website. Between 10:30am yesterday until this morning 63 people sent me this story. The other day when I did the Beard Font post I wrote: “How many beard stories can there be? It is SO – FUCKING – PLAYED – OUT. Beard art, beard contests, beard oil and now a Beard Font for you to type in?”
Can you believe just 3 days later there is a viral story about Bushpointburg stubble-challenged hipsters getting beard transplants/implants?
How fucking big of a desperate attention-needing douchebag fuck do you need to be to have this procedure? If you can’t grow a beard it wasn’t meant to be. But no – Tristan, Sallinger, Harrison and Brent – who have the combined body mass and strength of Nancy Reagan and Estelle Getty - will stop at nothing to “fit in” during their kidult playcation in Brooklyn. It’s just a phone call away to Mommy for a quick wire transfer of $8,500. Somebody should stand in front of one of these doctor’s offices and greet the wannabe beardo as he walks out with a big cardboard sign that says PUSSY in big bold letters. Isn’t it going to be strange when Hayden shows up to kickball practice, or artisanal pickling class, or to his local gentrification craft ale watering hole and his bearded buddies see his beard when they already knew his inbred emaciated face was incapable of growing hair?
The beard is now a symbol of the effeminate Brooklyn hipster. Not gay, but straight and effeminate. I cringe whenever I see these rent-raising faux lumberjack beardos; and now there will be even more of them?? It blows my mind how Brooklyn’s image has turned from a kind of tough yet loved & forgiving place and melting pot for the world into a place known for adult crafts; over priced and over-hyped food; rooftop kale gardens; $10 latte sipping; and horrific art galleries. Here are some links to this nauseating story; the NY Post comments section is gold and full of some good old hipster hate.
A diehipster.com reader and Brooklynite Eddie Going (Instagram.com/EddieGoing & twitter.com/EddieGoing) caught these interlopers on the D Train in Bensonhurst on a safari most likely to Coney Island. He said he overheard part of their conversation being something about Brooklyn pizza not being “all the rage”. So I’m guessing the first pizza they ever ate was Ellio’s or Tombstone frozen pizza back in Milwaukee and then upon arrival to Nieuw Breuckelen they were directed to go to Roberta’s Gentrification Pizza Parlor which is in an abandoned auto body shop in Bushwick; then they finally ate in a real pizzeria in southern Brooklyn and thought we were the imitators. I get so irritated when I see these people below the line.
So what does this 1950′s librarian glasses wearing, doughy Molly do? She begins photographing the Asian specimens on her expedition into uncharted parts of Brooklyn. “Like, yaaaaaaah – I’ll call this piece ‘Human in Natural Habitat’ “, she probably said to herself.
How many beard stories can there be? It is SO – FUCKING – PLAYED – OUT. Beard art, beard contests, beard oil and now a Beard Font for you to type in? What an embarrassment a good part of this generation of 25-45 year olds has been to history and humanity.
Today I saw Ethan taking a “food porn” picture of his $10 imported licorice infused latte for his Brooklyn based blog that only his enabling Culdesacian parents read to know their fragile red bearded son is keeping busy on their dime. So I dragged his empty-ketchup-packet shaped body behind the counter and ran him through the coffee bean grinder. End of story.
Bonus: Here is the actual picture of the transient zine boys. The one I used the other day had Keebler Redbeard’s mom’s credit card photoshopped out of it by the Brooklyn Paper.
New York is really, really starting to suck major dick. Wait, it already has for a good decade. The iconic Junior’s restaurant which opened in 1950 and is famous for its cheesecake has sold out to developers to bring in a 20-story and maybe a lot taller residential tower. Now you might blame the owners for selling out – but can you really? The problem isn’t people selling out – the problem is that hipsters started this trend of out-of-state people willing to pay too much money to live in the outer-boroughs; like when hipsters (actually their parents) idiotically decided to pay $1000-$1500 for 80 year old, beat up 1 and 2 bedroom apartments in Williamsburg in the late 90′s.
The Daily News article mentions that the owners of Junior’s plan on re-opening on the ground floor of the new building when it’s built; but that’s not written in stone yet and we all know it won’t be the same. So get ready downtown Brooklyn – for a new building full of yet more snob women carrying yoga mats at 1pm and nasally dweebs in their Land’s End catalog clothes walking dogs that are smaller than cats.
Greenpoint, Brooklyn — Just when you thought you’ve seen the most ridiculous and obscenely over-priced products being made by and sold to idiotic wanna-be urban hipsters – BAM! – another one pops up. Lots of hipsters who don’t admit to being one and many hipster defenders might say “hipster jokes are old; give up this tired shtick”. But I say just look at how every month or week or every few days, the most ridiculous thing you can imagine happens within their narcissistic lemming community. How can you not stop to point it out and laugh when you are a life long resident of Brooklyn and know its’ non-hipster history?
This time its the $7 latte. That’s right…SEVEN FUCKIN DOLLARS. Please, spare me the “origin stories” of the magical journey the beans took getting to your store and explaining the “unique artisanal roasting techniques” and foreign high-end licorice. There is no way to justify a $7 cup of coffee. End of story. The only way you’d get me to pay $7 for a latte is if I could drink it out of a cup that’s resting between Salma Hayek’s tits.
But have no fear: there will be plenty of 35ft long scarf wearing, thick eyeglass framed, Converse-clad, unpaid interns and part-time production assistants who magically can afford to live in $2200 apartments lining up with Mommy’s Midwest MasterCard in hand for this obscene beverage. I heard there is a secret tunnel that connects to the Mast Brothers $10 a bar gentrification chocolate factory in case you feel you haven’t spent enough money that day.
You can now represent the fact that you hate hipsters by wearing a DIEHIPSTER.COM t-shirt right in front of them. However I will need to get a minimum of 100 people (or 100 shirts ordered) to order one by March 10th using this website I found called teespring.com. You can place an order with a credit card but it won’t get charged unless the goal is reached and you’ll get the shirt a couple weeks after the end of the campaign . The shirts are $19.99. Please spread the word via Facebook, Twitter, email, etc. If the goal is reached prior to March 10th, you’ll still be able to order one up until that date. All personal info securely goes only to TeeSpring.com. If the goal is reached I will begin another campaign. I thank you ahead of time for your support!