Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Keegan and Logan stumbling back to their $2800 a month loft in their 19th century barber and paperboy outfits after celebrating another year of funemployment and Brooklyn homogenization by drinking cruelty-free champagne in which the grapes were asked nicely to juice themselves rather than being stomped; and eating local, organic Bushwickian cheese laced with red beard hair and American Spirit cigarette ashes. So I gave them each an uppercut; ran their brochure-like bodies through a paper shredder and tossed the confetti around my still normal and actually diverse neighborhood. End of story.

56 thoughts on “Today’s hipster beating.

  1. Sounds like a great start to 2013!

    • I remember when Jim Goad lived in Portland in the mid-Nineties, and the shit he took for not toeing the Portland party line. This was about the time his first book, Redneck Manifesto, came out, and half of the quivering ninnies in Portland were just in the vapors over both that book and his old zine Answer ME! and their “vicious reactionary attitudes”. The capper, for me, came about a year after Redneck Manifesto saw print, and one of the dweebs at the Oregonian wrote what is still one of the most blatant hatchet jobs I’ve ever seen at a major newspaper. Even better, after the interview came out, any letters to the editor supporting Goad, including one of mine, were ignored, and the only letters printed were ones continuing to bitch because one issue of Answer ME! discussed rape. Congratulations, Portland.

      • I shared an office a fat, side-of-beef-with-teeth,Kathy Bates doppelganger who lived for nothing more than being offended. When my computer beeped, I had to turn it off – she had ADD and the beeping would cause her to lose concentration. She was a miltant vegetarian PETA wackjob so she lost it the one time we decided to eat our cheesesteaks at our desk.

        Then there was the day I came in and found all the lightbulbs removed from our office. Apparently she had some rare disease like Mason Reese Disorder or Max Von Syndrome , where the lights gave her migranes which could lead to seizures along with the “buzzing” from the lights and outlets . So the outletes and lights were replaced.

        Then there was the squeaking from my chair – so we got new chairs. Then we couldn’t eat cheese, onions or burgers in her presence because they upset her delicate constitution (of course her conditions didn’t stop her from eating boxes of Ring Dings, family size bags of Cheetos and 50 or so vitamins washed down with Mountain Dew or Hawaiian Punch. But I couldn’t drink coffee or tea round her (honey =”bee-rape” and coffee “put money in the pockets of the white man who oppressed coffee plantation workers”.

        But the worst day came when when I was lectured for using the terms, Eskimo, Indian, “fat chance” and called my wife, “babe”. She laid into me for a good ten minutes. Then she asked me what my wife did for a living. When I told her, adding that she wanted to stay home when we had kids she really blew her lid. So I let loose and told her, “how the fuck can you stand being around yourself all day? Don’t you ever wake up with the temptation to suck on a tailpipe?”Then she lost it to the point that several people had to come in and restrain her.

        Did they fire her? Course not. Boeing needed women in engineering and management. So they transferred her to the LEAN group – that dealt with process improvements. Essentially , LEAN was the Isle of Broken Toys – every nut job woman, worthless female engineer or wackadoo with a pre-existing condition or a beef with the company and threatening to sue were put there, given the title of “manager” and did little more than make charts and graphs – Boeing’s version of the NY Dept of Education “Rubber Room”.

        • I sympathize. Years back, I worked in about the same situation, in a studio that had two such pwecious snowflakes. One could only work if she was regularly molesting the owner’s dog, and while she had no problems with the stench and various noises from that incontinent golden retriever, she’d fuss endlessly about the sounds of breathing, eating, and moving around the studio. The other was a classic Portland beardo, whose sole response to any stimulus was to roll his eyes and sneer, and he couldn’t deal with music he didn’t like, even if his co-workers were wearing headphones. ESPECIALLY if they were wearing headphones, and a couple of the rational people there joked about how these two heard noises only they and other Dobermans could pick up. Oh, they couldn’t handle white noise machines, so they spent their days walking to the far end of the studio, hearing light conversation or typing clicks, and then bitching to the owner about the intolerable racket.

          Well, I was there for six months until they decided that my breathing was too loud, and gave the owner an ultimatum. Nothing made me happier than learning six months later that the studio was bought out by a former secretary and turned into a Web design dotcom, and these two snowflakes were the first two fired under the new owner.

          • “…hearing light conversations or typing clicks.”

            ROFLMAO!!!

            No wonder that chick from an article a few months back, the one complaining about ‘ethnic’ music in a neighborhood she moved into after the fact, went all ballistic and shit. Is hipster hearing bionic?

            “Be QUIET Caleb or I’m going to tell Mawm you’re preparing to fart!”

          • Well, they’re really good at hearing things they don’t like. When asked to turn down their stereos because it’s 3 a.m. on a Monday morning and the rest of the neighborhood has to get up in the morning to go to work, suddenly, it’s everyone else with overly sensitive hearing.

  2. Happy new year.

    Carol

  3. I saw two of these ass clown Xanax-addicts in my diner the other day, clearly on a recon mission. He smelled like my granny’s hemorrhoid pillow and looked like a dirtier Kurt Cobain. The girl was actually model hot. I told the owner, a good friend, “Great, fucking hipsters. I thought we were safe because we are so far from the subway,” but obviously I was wrong.” He says back to me, “I don’t mind them, they spend money.” I said back to him. “You wait till they get a foothold in here and put your joint out of business (a business his father started in 1967) in under a year because you’re too cheap to serve fair trade gluten-free soyburgers and rooftop kale chips from the Park Slope collective vegetable-arium.” He stared blankly and said, “Well, they spend money.” This is one of the main problems. Passive business owners who crave these hipsters (parent’s) cash welcoming them with open arms. I can already see I’ll be moving in a short while. They’ve already got a tattoo shop open on my block, and I’ve been seeing these random Colton’s and Molly’s laughing at the misspelled 99 cent store merchandise and taking pictures of icicles. Goddamnit!

    • It’s all fun and games until they raise the rent and the original business owners have to move out.

      All some businesspeople see is the short term profits, and a changing neighborhood, so they are thrilled when they envision less crime,q and more money. Only after their rent has multiplied like a pack of bunnies in heat, the locals who were steady customers have been gentrified out, and hipsters are bored of them, do they realize what has happened. Too late.

      When hipsters visit, like tourists, spending money and going home, they are (annoying, but) tolerable. But you don’t want em in your neighborhood unless you hate where you live and are moving.

      • Yes, that’s what I was trying to say. You said it better. I’ll show him this.

  4. “brochure-like bodies”….thats really good. Thanks for that

    • They were here in the Jersey suburbs for over a week. The local Starbucks outlets have been re-modeled to discourage the wifi whores.

      Apparently, they had no problem infesting all th elocal Dunkin’ Donuts, McD’s, Burger Kings, Wendys, etc. because they all have very good to excellent wifi.

  5. DH-Hope you enjoyed your holiday, it’s one of the times when these Caleb and Zoies go back to dogfeltcher falls to brag

    • Yep – half the population of Ohio is back where they belong; it’s nice to get a little feel for how things were before the infestation. unfortunately, the airports will start delivering bad news in droves over the next few days.

      • Think how those of us having to fly are feeling. God help you if you need to get your luggage over the next few days, because Luggage Claim in every airport on either coast will be full of bearded dweebs, male and female, using the unwilling crowds as test subjects for their latest musical or poetic endeavours.

        • Yup. The Grey Dog next to my apartment in Chelsea is vacant. There are locals there for the most part during the holiday, but at least now I can go up to the counter without waiting in line with a smelly neckbeard. The owner and manager of the place are cool fucks, but they cater to the tight-jean converse clowns. Too bad……the food there is awesome. I go there several times a week mainly due to I can walk in there wearing flip flops in freezing weather, grab some grub, scratch my balls and run back upstairs.
          But I hate sweeping up all the hand-rolled and American Spirits from my stoop.

          And PBR on draft for god-fuckin’-sake! WHO DRINKS THAT SHIT?

          Keep bringin’ the heat DH and all you facks have a great new year.

          • So, you don’t mind baring your feet and scratching your balls in public, but you have massive issues with cigarette ashes? Distaste for PBR or no, you sound an awful lot like some feral hipsters I’ve seen before. Zero self-awareness about their own body habits but ready to raise holy hell over seeing a cigarette butt on the sidewalk. Gotcha.

          • Making a joke. You don’t have to enjoy my humor…..lighten the fuck up!
            Just what does one do at 4:56am anyway?
            Should you not be asleep so you can go to work at 7am?
            Or are YOU the feral hipster that you speak of?

            I live next to a hipster joint that if I’m a little bent out of shape, good place to grab quick grub. My explanation of my attire, while extreme, is not that far off in that I need not care or give two shits about the opinions of the ones who are at this particular establishment.
            Don’t care for it, but live with it…..like all NYers try to do in their neighborhoods.

            Outside of that, they are annoying AND they thump their fucking hand-rolled cigs on my stoop which the restaurant won’t clean up.

            What’s so fucking hard to understand?

  6. Happy new year to all.

    Good news! I think i found the true identity of the hipster beater:

    • That’s because if the article dared spell out the word “hipster”, Gothamist would be shooting its core audience. Use it once in that article, and the staff would spend the next six months getting “I want a definition of ‘hipster’” or “That’s completely uncalled for” comments. Gothamist has finally learned the first real law of business: don’t shit where you eat.

      • True but at the same time Gothamist and Gawker are the hipster go to sites. They both
        bash hipsters (although I feel Gawker is far more brutal…and funnier). So it’s no different than the yard monkey hipsters in training I see around here who loudly curse out their parents for being lame-o oppressive fuckheads only to turn around and beg for them to buy him a new i-phone.

    • All I needed to read was “well-to-do heroin junkies” and I knew what they really were.

  7. In better news, I have excellent tales for you all. The plague may not be ending, but at least the vermin now know how much they’re hated, and in unexpected places.

    Weekend before last, I was up in Denton, Texas (about 50 miles north of Dallas and Fort Worth) for a friend’s birthday, and she and her husband wanted to show us around. Now, there’s not much in Denton other than the University of North Texas and Texas Women’s University: before the price of gas went through the roof, students would go to Dallas for shows and events, but now they pretty much stay within the vicinity of the campus. Not that this is a problem: compared to the post-apocalyptic nightmare that was Denton in the Eighties and Nineties, this has led to a beginning renaissance of the area. The downtown area is livening up, and most of the stores there were actually pretty crowded the weekend before Christmas. I don’t know how long this will last, but it’s interesting watching the changes.

    Anyway, the thing to remember about Texas universities is that after all this time, most still have serious specialties. Medicine and law students go to the University of Texas and its various satellites. Veterinary medicine or engineering students go to Texas A&M. You go to Southern Methodist University if your parents expect you to get something to show for eight years of keggers besides a coke habit and syphilis (at which point, the school gives you an MBA just to get you the hell out), and you go to Baylor if your parents are religious control freaks who are terrified that their snowflakes might be exposed to evolutionary theory or black people. The University of North Texas is almost solely arts, media, and music studies, and you’d expect that the place would be rotten with like-yahs.

    That was the surprise. Okay, you have a lot of kids who look the hipster stereotype, but most dress that way because they can’t afford new clothes and hit the local Goodwill. One kid working at a restaurant was actually apologizing for his Cory Doctorow birth control glasses, saying “I just can’t afford to get better glasses yet.” There was a decided lack of fortysomething attention sluts wandering around, and for a college town, you had a lack of band stickers stuck all over everything. Instead, spotted in at least three restrooms and on at least eight walls was the mantra “FUCK HIPSTERS”. A couple were half-assedly scratched through, and then someone else came in to highlight it.

    Now, I’m not saying that UNT is hipster-free. I know better, and I figure that a certain proportion of its graduates will migrate to Portland or Brooklyn so they can Be Seen. However, the obvious and blatant hipster hate seems to be paying off. There’s hope for Brooklyn yet.

    • Good news! we might be in your neck of the woods, in the near future. TExas has no shortage of world class swim teams and if junior qualifies, he’ll be head to the Junior Olympics which i believe are in Texas.

      • Sweet. Just give a yell where and when. (I’ll warn you, though: most folks on the East Coast aren’t used to how much you have to drive out this way. I was in Massachusetts three years ago and figured I’d make what was, to me, a quick drive from Boston to the middle of the state. No big deal: I drive further than that on a regular basis. Everyone looked at me as if I’d grown three heads when I said I was driving “that far”. That said, when you get out of the airport and discover that the swim meet is “only 50 miles or so,” don’t be too surprised.)

    • One day into new Mayor Charlie Hales’s term, and he already asked for the resignation of Sam Adams’s hatchet man, Transportation Director Tom Miller, a former skateboarding activist-turned lawyer who was huge in promoting bike lanes while the streets fell apart (or in outer NE and SE, still were dirt).

      • We can only hope that the bloodletting continues. The only shame is that Sam Adams hired so many hipster shitheads in his last six months that they all qualify for severance pay. In a better universe, they’d be chased out of the building with bullwhips.

    • We have the opposite problem at our U’s. After such a long time of ‘Bully Boy Logic’ ( aka frat boys ) dominated and pushed aside anyone poor and of minority status, their come-uppance, so to speak, has been a painful transition for them indeed. Of course, they continually fail to recall what brought on the near-reflexive reaction to their stilted mentaltities and behaviors, ( of course ), and so never connect the dots between the resentful reactionaries and the Bully Boy’s legacy of priviledged alienations (e.g., the black dude can work in the private club’s kitchen, but black people cannot be members and swim in the pool).

      Now that many of the minorities these blowhards and their progeny pushed around for so long are ‘rising’ socially, there’s no way in God’s green Earth that the minorities are going ‘back under’ for the simple comfort of frat boys. No way. The problem is when the neu-frat boy cannot decide wether he’s a ‘bro’ or a ‘hippy’, but Dah-Dah has already got him lined up to replace him at the club and all his business contacts as well. Then, Spidey the Frat boy Hipster figures there’s only one way to get the best of both worlds…take Daddy’s money, memberships, and friends to buy a business in the area he wants to remain a perpetual child in.

    • UNT is one of the best jazz performance programs in the country. Graduate from UNT – you’re a real player.

      • Precisely. It’s got one hell of a music program, and two decades of its board of directors trying to gut it to pay for UNT’s MBA program still couldn’t touch it. I think that’s why I was so pleasantly surprised to see all of the “FUCK HIPSTERS” commentary everywhere: precious few students or residents have time for that shit, because they’re too busy trying to get things done.

  8. First day back at work after holiday vacation in my Brooklyn apartment. Ate junk food and drank Budweiser and Jameson’s. Now I’m taking a little mental coffee break with diehipster. Thanks for keeping me sane, and Happy New Year everyone!

  9. Interesting site here. If you think about it, I think that the underlying link tying these individuals together could best be summed up in one word: PRETENTIOUSLYSELFCENTERED-okay so that’s not exactly one word ;)p but if you took that away, I suppose they wouldn’t be so bad. You can’t argue that-dare I say it, gentrification can often times help a community. When people bring money into an impoverished area, you will often see significant change: crime will go down; the streets will be cleaned up; flowers and all sorts of landscaping will be done in places that were once concrete ghettos; you’ll see less liquor stores, and more environmentally friendly marketplaces; and most importantly-feel safer walking in your neighborhood.

    Having said that, this Generation Y (which I am apart of) is certainly an anomaly, and this site causes me to wonder if an entire group of people somehow missed Sesame street growing up. I mean, even Oscar the Grouch knew better than to go around spreading his negativity. He kept himself sealed tight under a lid along with all of his negative ME, ME, ME, attitude. This is absolutely off-putting. And no one is missing out by avoiding those negative types. But I know a few (a very few) good people who fit the description, MINUS the pretentiousness. The work they do gives back to their communities, and they aren’t easily impressed with random Instagram pics of hand-knitted Macbook covers, or that a girl can hold an entirely self-submerged conversation for the longest period of time, at the highest pitched voice humanly possible, dispensing the least variety of verbiage of like 15 “YAHHS” per minute, and like “I know right, I do that ALL the time”

    There must be something more to them right? And I’m still confused, do these people not work at all, or is it that the work they do consists only of baking cookies and popping e pills? o_O

    • *A part of Generation Y-NOT this subculture…

    • Gentrification = move in rich, white people, displace everyone else.
      This is great for the rich and the white. Not so much for anyone else.
      You can improve a neighborhood without gentrifying, aka ruining, it, but that benefits working people and we can’t have that!

  10. Generation Y? Generation Why Not? is more like it. D(e)generation Y? Millenials? Not-Others?

    Their clothing and food choices bother me a helluva lot less than the scarier aspects of their unified agenda’s, which seems, in part, founded on the idea that every generation before them was actually out to specifically get THEM and that’s why it’s hard for them to find jobs after college; that racism, particularly anti-Semitism is ‘funny’ and Hitler’s visage can adorn about anything without revulsion and I find it doubly disturbing given how much ‘Illuminati/Rothschilds = Bad Jews’ rhetoric floods the internetz, and how graciously they absolve themselves of the needs of others in their communities that they don’t ‘personally identify with’ ( aka homeless, elderly, disabled, veterans, etc etc ). I actually overheard some hipster bitch, when it was suggested to her that she volunteer some free time at the local VA hospital to help in her college pursuits say,”Yahhh, erm, um….wellllll….(uptalking) it’s just that I don’t personally agree with war? And so being in that environent? Would really, reeeeely make me reeely uncomfortable. I’m just saying it would, like, reeely hard to have to see the horrible results of war, like, everyday and stuff. You know?”

    And the young man with her, assumed it was her brother or boyfriend, said,”Yahhh…she’s like, totally right about that. I mean, it sucks for them and stuff but it’s all just so bogus bro’.”

    What a grand bunch….

    • Hipsters – Hitler ? Anti-semitism ? Illuminati-Rothschild ?

      LOL WUT!

      • He didn’t say that. He said they think racism is funny, like seeing Hitlers image, and that they often believe in anti semitic conspiracies.
        They do tend to do these things, all while considering themselves more conscious and evolved than everyone else.

    • This. They use their so-called “social conscience” to absolve themselves of any social responsibility (ooooh, how ironic!) — It’s like the d.b. who can’t contribute any money for the department Christmas party “’cause he’s a Jehovah’s Witness”, but has no problem helping himself to the food and drink when it arrives. (I’m not ragging on all Jehovah’s Witnesses, I just knew one guy in particular who did this, and it’s the same hypocritical mentality. But it could of been any religion or culture)
      These losers (and their participation trophy girlfriends) are the same jackasses who gave us Blackface Jesus, The Whitest Kids U Know, and all that other racist crap, under the guise of being “ironic” and “so progressive it actually seems REgressive, like, yah”… the same assholes who pigeonhole, stereotype, and fart half-baked political opinions out of their ass b/c they’re too lazy to read/listen to/watch the news (“like, you can’t trust the Mainstream Media, maaaaan”), and claim they’re too “disillusioned” to vote when in truth they’re just too lazy to wake up early on a Tuesday morning to avoid the lines.

    • We have records dating back to Ancient Greece (Hesiod’s “Ages of Man“) claiming that each subsequent generation was growing ever more morally depraved. Yet somehow the world hasn’t ended yet in thousands of years. You’re falling prey to a curse of human nature called growing old and out of touch. Do not lump all Gen-Yers in with the worst that you see, as there are many intelligent, hard workers who hold just as much contempt for hipster ideals as you. The hipsters are important too, though. Who else will serve us coffee and burgers in the future?

      • Hipsters aren’t useful for anything but mocking- they serve coffee and burgers with such bad attitude, and they are slow and dirty. Those are some of the last people I want touching my food. Eeeeww.
        let them pick up dog poop or something.

        • See thats the problem. You’d rather have some Mexican with a fake smile serving you. What’s wrong with keeping it real? Service jobs are hard and suck major ass so pardon if your server doesn’t have a huge Kool-Aid smile planted on his or her face. If your food is hot and the spot is clean thats REALLY all that should matter. As Long As I’m Not being disrespected I’m totally fine with someone having a neutral attitude, get off your lame donkey. The unfortunate and continued culture of this country is to keep it fake and thats straight bullshit. If you’re not Making your own burgers and coffee at home or serving burgers and coffee for a living you sound like some wannabe rich bitch.

          • I dont like the bad, rude, hipster attitude, and the filth they carry, so now Im a “rich bitch”? Not wanting to be treated like literal shit by a hipster does not = wanting “fake smiles”.

            I don’t want to be sneered at and treated like a major inconvienece for ordering something. I don’t want to be looked up and down, by an eye rolling hipster jerk, who then makes snide remarks to their brethren. I don’t want bed bug ridden, never shower or wash hands, beard hair dropping, scum balls touching my food.
            If this makes me a bitch so be it.

            Of course I would prefer a Mexican over a hipster, who wouldn’t???

          • The sneering is bad enough, but that Matt Gross expression used as a default by so many hipster employees is a deal-breaker for me. You know, that cross between “Someone jammed a small turd under my nose” and “Why, hellllo, Wiiiiiilbur”. It’s the facial expression equivalent of “like, yah”.

          • “keeping it real”???? It’s about having a professional and respectful attitude in all that you do in life. This is something you spoiled-living-off-of-dad, interloping, cul-de-sacian goofballs don’t get. Your idiot parents never taught you the REAL lessons in life. Respect. Work hard and put your best forward to achieve. and RESPECT. Plus, everything about you shit sticks is FAKE. You are the masters of pretentiousness and contrived lifestyles. I’ll take a Mexican who shows respect and works hard any day over some sneering, ignorant, my-job-doesn’t-matter-because-I-always-have-dad, no-life-experience-having shitbag. “Keeping it real”… get the fuck outta here!

          • Every single non-hipster mexican I’ve ever met is superior in every way than every hipster I’ve met. Period. You are clueles..

            And I have no way to know, but I suspect you’re as much of a Native Brooklynite as I am. And I’ve only ever passed through NYC once.

          • Even if Mexican workers weren’t being used as sub-minimum wage labor, employers would still be taking those guys over every hipster that darkened the doorstep. And why? Because they fucking work their asses off. Employers don’t give a shit about “keeping it real”, they care about someone who works hard, is there on time, and doesn’t act like a pretentious douchebag when they’re dealing with customers.

      • The world hasn’t ended but civilizations have.

  11. Thank you RIVI you took the words out of my mouth.

  12. I’m not a native New Yorker. Who really is when you get down to it? Real New Yorker? You decide.

    I came to NYC in 88. I now work as a union cameraman on TV, commercials and films. Since that time, I reckon you get a new city every 7 years. Like lungs after you quit smoking. I’ve seen at least three different NYC’s since I came here. Post Koch/Dinkins World, Herr Gulliani’s Empire, and now Bloomyville. My mother used to live in the City in the 50′s and she warned me to make sure I have enough ties when I moved to the City, from her misty memory everyone wore then – not ironically.

    When I came to the city, you could make rent in a week, find a studio on the Upper East Side for 450 or less; a full floor in Williamsburg for the same; and the “Deuce” gave you quite a show for a dollar. I tended bar or painted office buildings while trying to work my way up the film industry feeding chain. You could say, I came in the late wave of people wanting to break into the arts or entertainment during the 80′s. Yes, I know there seems to be some anti-creative types here, but NYC as far as anyone can remember has always been a home to artists emigrating from someplace else for well over 150 years. But this current era is different.

    I have no idea how anyone moving to the City can afford it, even “below the line”. When I was getting established you worked, paid rent and had something left over for booze, broads, fun, and savings or invest in your work. Bringing a six pack to Julien’s on top of the old Palladium was pay well spent – and a perfect evening. Seeing David Rankowitz before he murdered his proto hipster roommate, with his pet rooster was part of the scenery. The City was a bit more rough and tumble and dressing in work gear was not an ironic statement. A Carhart kept your warm, not kewel.

    So what’s my dilemma? I love the fact I no longer amble over crack whores on my doorstep; my street doesn’t smell like piss; or the fact that NYC is no longer Dodge City (Murder rate is more than 4x less than what it was when i moved in). The Guardian Angels went the way of the Savage Skulls. I just find it hard to relate to kids trying to “break in” while paying enormous sums in rent. Do you really have to break in with that kind of cheddar? Just buy the theater or put the movie on charge. Oh wait a minute that’s happening. So while I lament that high rents have definitely altered NYC’s creative landscape as many genuine artists are finding cheaper cities, what we have left are kids with big pockets and little originality. NYC’s art scene is really about gallery owners and wall street douches having openings and haggling over dead sharks in formaldehyde (the ultimate Hipster con job).

    It’s been awhile since the city had a truly groundbreaking and original art and music scene, which is sad. Well over a hundred fifty years it was home to the country’s best artists, writers, dancers, entertainers, etc. Caleb, Molly and Meegan with their Fisher Price level of craft don’t cut it. Without setting the pace for the countries arts and entertainment, NYC loses something vital that it always had – it’s soul.

    Done, ranting and reminiscing.

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