Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Jeb and Zachariah dressed like Gilligan and the Gorton’s Fisherman – surveying the area around the Gowanus Canal where they plan to open a Bait, Tackle and Booze bar so they can sit in all day, make childish art and pretend to be Brooklynites. So I climbed up to the top of the gritty, urban Kentile Floors sign and projectiled two poisonous darts with my African blow dart gun into their triple AAA battery necks where they fell into the canal and dissolved like a couple of Alka-Seltzers. End of story.

106 thoughts on “Today’s hipster beating.

  1. Plop plop, fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is.

  2. Double, double toil and trouble
    Dweebass burn and hipster bubble!

  3. lol – triple A battery necks! And once the hipster beater turns Jeb and cul-de-Zach into alka seltzer, we can take fishing rod physiqued Brodie the ‘Urban’ Mime/kickball league schedule maker and toss his worthless ass in the Gowanus too.

    Man, I’d love to bring Classy Freddie Blassie back from the grave and turn him loose in gentrified North Brooklyn.

    • Ever see Andy Kaufman’s “Breakfast With Blassie”?

      AAA – just when we thought we couldn’t find another descriptive for “pencil neck geek”….DH comes through again.

      • I’ve actually used aaa battery before but I’m bound to re-use some of them – sustainably. And I’m glad you linked that bk paper article; it’s perfect for a post I’ve been wanting to put up that needed a completely bullshit “art art art art art art art” project for it. Coming soon.

      • Back when I was a kid, life was going swell.
        Till something happened, blew every thing to hell.
        That night my daddy stumbled in, all pale and weak,
        Said “A woman up the block just gave birth to a geek.”

        Mom said, “Sell it to the circus, what the heck.”
        Dad said, “Nope, this one’s a pencil neck.
        And if there’s one thing lower than a side show freak,
        It’s a grit eatin’, scum suckin’, pencil neck geek.”

        You see if you take a pencil that won’t hold lead,
        Looks like a pipe cleaner attached to a head,
        Add a buggy whip body with a brain that leaks,
        You got yourself a grit eatin’, pencil neck geek.

        (Chorus)
        Pencil neck geek, grit eatin’ freak,
        Scum suckin’, pea head with a lousy physique.
        He’s a one man, no gut, loosing streak.
        Nothin’ but a pencil neck geek.

        Soon the geeks were poppin’ up all over town.
        You couldn’t hardly sneeze without knockin’ one down.
        After a nice juicy steak, if you need a toothpick,
        Just reach for a geek, they’ll do the trick.

        One day we cut one up for fish bait.
        Learned our lesson just a little bit late.
        Soon as the geek hit the drink, the water turned red.
        Next day, sure enough, all the fish were dead.

        Chorus
        Most any night you know where I can be found.
        Yeah, stomping some geek’s head into the ground.
        So keep the faith ’cause in Blassie you can trust,
        I won’t give up ’til the last geek bites the dust.

        Chorus
        They say, “these geeks come a dime a dozen.”
        I’m lookin’ for the guy who’s supplin’ the dimes.
        It’s gonna be real hard times for all of these
        Grit eatin’,
        Scum suckin’,
        Boot lickin’,
        Drop kickin’,
        Gut grindin’,
        Nail bitin’,
        Glue sniffin’,
        Scab pickin’,
        Butt scratchin’,
        Egg hatchin’,
        Sleezy,
        Smelly,
        Pepper bellied,
        Dirty, lousy, rotten, stinkin’, freaks.

        Nothing but a pencil neck geek.

        Boy, sounds like Blassie was singing about gentrified North Brooklyn to me; a man truly ahead of his time.,

        Pencil neck geek.

        Pencil neck geek.

        Pencil neck geek.

        • I used to listen to that song on the Dr. Demento Show all of the time when I was a kid. The best part was the complete version, with the studio producer nasally honking that Blassie needed to do a new take, and Blassie commenting “You know, it’s the middle of summer, and here you are with that turtleneck coming all the way to your chin. I wonder…”

  4. “…so they can sit in all day, make childish art and pretend to be Brooklynites.”

    This.

    • The one cow is holding a baby/art project. How do these people have so much spare time? My GRANDMOTHER took care of us, regularly cleaned a three unit brownstone, did the daily grocery shopping and cooked every night -three courses. She used to take 30 minutes for herself around 4:00, and that was so she couls say the rosary.

      • They should put that stupid baby on one of those boats and see what happens… for ART ART ART!!!!

        PS: Before I get backlash from anyone… I don’t hate babies. Just their Canklesaurus mommies who clearly don’t have full-time jobs or contribute anything to society except to breed and make aaaaaaaaart art art art aaaaaarrrrrrtttttt. UGH. I dunno why this story is angering me so… Must be because I’m the total opposite of these assholes. I actually have a job and refuse to procreate, this world is overcrowded as it is. ::end rant::

    • Wow. Although I don’t know if the hipsters and yups will hang up the GWB “Mission Accomplished” banner until Brooklyn actually passes Manhatten as the most expensive place to live.
      Then they’ll find whatever place all the hard working brooklynintes had to move to, and start gentrifying that area…

    • == Borough president Marty Markowitz, the consummate politician, took the news with a cheerful sound bite, followed by a word of concern. “Brooklyn is thrilled that so many successful men and women, particularly in professional fields, have chosen to live here—adding to our economic diversity and making it one of the most desirable places on the planet to live, work and play” ==

      This is infuriating. It’s more like, “Brooklyn is thrilled that so many worthless parentally-funded, entitled tryhards, particularly lacking in work ethics, have chosen to take a big shit here—destroying our diversity and making it one of the most undesirable and overpriced places on the on the planet to live and work while they act like pompous douchebags and play like children all day.”

  5. The love affair between the New York Times and Portland, OR (aka Williamsburg West) is on shaky ground – the paper is seeing that 1.) there are poor people in Portland; 2.) many of the people here are the bastard offspring of General Jack D. Ripper and Jenny McCarthy – vehemently opposing water fluoridation.

    And while children can be taught to brush their teeth and use the SpongeBob or iCarly fluoride rinse, what about our pets? If you tried to brush one of our cats’ teeth with special toothpaste, you risk life and limb – save our pets’ teeth – fluoridate the water!

    http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/09/us/portland-weighs-fluoride-years-after-broad-acceptance.html?_r=1&partner=rss&emc=rss

    • unsure what your point was, Aaron.

      fluoride has dumbed down Americans severely. it is hidden in water and many groceries. flouride was first utilized by Hitler for making people at concentration camps stupid and for dimming down their ability to spark insentive to fight back against tyranny. it prevents uprising. just the same, the kind of flouride that is hidden in our water and food supply today is highly toxic and it does not have not a single beneficial medicinal use. it causes brain damage.

      another thing is coffee today. stuff like Maxwell House. even tho it tastes good, it is barely even real coffee. next time you drink store coffee like that, pay attention to the spot in between your two eye brows. that is a spiritual center. think of the spot where hindus wear dots. and when you drink genetically altered coffee that is loaded with pesticides,preservatives, and spiritually-dimming chemicals. so when you drink it the spot between the eyes gets strained and a blockage feeling. when coffee is grown and prepared correctly that should not happen.

      really doesn’t matter to me about Maxwell House, or if it is excellent Cuban coffee sent from my great grandma in Havana. i quit drinking coffee after too many altercations with smug hipster barristas in New York.

      but my point is that fluoride, like hipsters, is poisonous and i get defensive around this topic and will continue to do so until it is common knowledge

    • Good, but why is step 4, “Run like fuck” required? No one is going to need to run away from a disturbed hipster. What, are they going to poetry slam all over you? Journal you to death? More like, “Step 4: Cover your ears to avoid bleeding due to excessively loud honking”. I’m guessing it would sound like a flock of geese being run over by a 4×4.

    • This method prompted the first house rule against practical jokes for my roommates and me 40 years ago. In retaliation for a flash paper load in a joint (great fun) my roomie locked a padlock to the nosepiece of my glasses and wouldn’t give me the key for 2 hours. Cured me!
      Here’s a variation for hipsters. Buy old padlocks at yard sales, discard the keys and carry them with you. When you see a chained fixie, add a few to the chain. Easy to do and no assault charge.
      FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS MOVE TO BROOKLYN!

  6. I have decided to become…a BEARDO.

    I’m not shaving until someone says “what the FUCK is that SHIT on your FACE?” I’m guessing that’ll be in about four days.

    • To be a proper beardo, your testosterone levels must be at the absolute minimum — that is high enough for a beard, but low enough to stilllook like a dude who answers to “Bitch” as if it were his name — despite the facial hair. Most dudes can rock a beard or goatee and their “manliness/roughness” factor increases (Zakk Wylde is a perfect example of that). That’s why you’ll never mistake a beardo for a bearded biker.

      • It’s easy to tell a bearded man from a beardo. I proudly wear a full, grey, ten inch man-flag. When some one says something snarky about it I offer them my open Case XX folder and politely say ” If you don’t like it, you can try to cut it. Here, you can use this.”
        So far, no takers.
        Here’s a thought, do hipsters prove or disprove Darwin’s theory? Discuss amongst yourselves.

    • Your estrogen level is way too low to be a beardo.

  7. how come you only criticize the MALE hipsters?

    • You haven’t been here very long. Lurk more. On DH, female hiptards have had their asses handed to them on multiple occasions. The truth is, male hiptards are more numerous, and seem to be bigger bitches than their female counterparts.

      • right.. the canklesauruses seem to stay in their rooftop garden or working to support their aspiring artist hipster boyfriend. they dont make as much noise as the purposely unemployable like baby matthew and some of the others that have been featured here.

        one more notable female hipster that was roasted here was that xojane writer that claimed she needed food stamps and wrote an article about applying for them while the contents of her on fridge revealed imported cheeses and designer sauces along with trader joes and so on.

        typically you’ll find the hipster female doing things like occupying mcdonalds to flip her floopy tit out in front of the world to assert her rights to stink up your meal by breastfeeding practically on your lap, raising indigo children and not using diapers and other modern sanitation methods

        • That whole breastfeeding issue really gets my ‘nads in a twist. It’s not that i’m against breastfeeding – I’m not – but I can’t stand it when the sancti-mommies purposely pick a crowded public place flip out a hairy udder that resembles a deflated sea urchin and proceed to feed their spawn with a smug look that says, “that’s right. I’m a rebel and I’m ready for a fight. I’m taking a stand against the status quo. I’m making a statement”.

          The whole public feeding thing really didn’t get to me until about two years ago. I was suffering from an ailment that caused me take a small dose of insulin with every meal.

          I’m sitting in a Chik-fil-a. A sancti-mommy proceeds to flash about 20 people in order to feed her chil (while her oldest is running around the store in a diaper). I realize i forgot to take my insulin. Now the insulin is delivered via a disposable pen. I take it out of my pocket, I discreetly, put under the table, push the plunger, replace the cap and I’m done. The whole thing took about 15 seconds.

          Sanctimommy – in her search for people to pick a fight with about feeding her kid in public – notices what I did and gets in my face about it. Apparently, injecting myself under the table with no one noticing is sending a bad message to her kid. I point out her brestfeeding. She screams at me that it’s her right and she has to feed her kid. I counter with, “well then what i did is no different than taking a pill – and I need my insulin to maintain my glucose level”.

          She then – and I’m not kidding – loudly accuses me of being a drug addict and threatened to call the cops.Finally the manager came ove politely asked her and told her to leave – which results in another tirade about the violation of her rights.

          The manager politely told her agaon – if she didn’t leave she would call the cops.

          This woman was nuts. I mean granola crunchy, like yah, ART ART ART, birkenstock, hirsute 100% insane.

    • Honestly, it’s hard to tell the hipster genders apart. They dress alike, and have the same body and nasally voice.

  8. Tula Gendron?

    TULA GENDRON???

    WTFUCKETYFUCK is with these uh, people?

  9. My take on all this is this is a CLASS issue—the priveliged,remittance man gentry pushing out the working class.
    .in the 1950s and 1960s,people complained about the Blacks and Puerto Ricans moving in- ( I remember as a i frequently child the adults ranting about this)- a LOT of whites moved to Long island,westchester,jersey during that time..(it was called White Flight-) my family stayed in nyc and im glad of it. I HAD to jive with them all.
    now its the Hip-Yups an immigration of the poor 1945-1970 followed by immigration of the Rich… the bipsters beardos hiptards etc..are invading many of the same areas and forcing out working class folks again–.I was born in manhattan and have lived in manhattan Brooklyn or Queens for all but 1 year of my life. nyc can be a very brutal place whether its muggers robbing at knife point or yupsters robbing blue collar families of their neighborhoods..its all based on competition and $$$$$ lets hope for another Blackout,..Riots, something..i see no end to these gentrifiers..Hey i thought the economy sucked WHERE do thes cockkk stains get their $$$$ i know what yer gonna say …their parents!)

    • Yup, parents or dealing. Or both.

    • Not from barista-ing or assistant curating, that’s for sure. Gotta be something like a bottomless draw on the Bank of Mom ‘N’ Dad, Tiffin, Ohio.

      For some it’s probably dealing. Plenty of hipsters getting busted for possession of heroin & reefer with intent to sell in Portland these days. That can happen when the Free Ride Express decides it can’t justify such high levels of worthless expense with no potential for return any longer.

  10. the Working Class always gets the Short end of the stick…

  11. nyc in 1970s VERY decadent..BUT Creative and exciting dirty,dangerous yes

    hipsters are decadent in a different way–I-phones made in China by slave labor as they drink fair trade coffe..smoking 3 packs a day while they eat organic food—just yuppie status seeking consumers PRETENDING to be Beatniks..POSING,always POSING…

    • They’re decadent but they produce nothing of value, so there really is no excuse…

    • Summer ’75: Played at My Father’s Moustache as a hired rhythm guitar slinger for a Chicago band that was showing off to industry people. The other 4 band members ended up signing a contract with a Grade D record company. The record company sprung for their airline tickets home, so they dumped me in lower Manhattan with just about enough cash to take the Greyhound back to Chicago. I needed a really cheap place to spend the night, so I headed over to the Bowery with my overnight bag and my Telecaster in a hard case, too many creeps giving me the hairy eyeball the whole way. Thirsty, I dropped in on CBGBs. VERY dirty, VERY decadent, but the stuff I saw and the people I met there over the next 3 nights were so creative and exciting that it gave me a whole new way of looking at music, and at my future.

      Of course, when I got back to Chi, the “rock” guys I talked to were “like yah, we’re going to put a disco beat in it; everybody’s doin’ it.” I started doing some different stuff, trying to make sense of some of the things I’d experienced and heard in NYC; all anyone could say is “everybody hates you.” But 5 years later everybody was trying to sound like what I had been doing back then, and I had moved on to a far different place and thing.

      70s NYC was all about pushing boundaries: of taste, of decadence, of sound, of life and your experience with it. Hipsters of today do nothing that’s even slightly difficult. They pick the path of least resistance (read: talent), and throw a whole Dumpsterload of horseshit projects at the wall to see if anything sticks. This is why sites like Etsy suck so bad: It’s thousands of talentless fucks taking ten minutes to “create” something of no value and put it out there to see if it creates any “buzz,” if anyone bites. That’s not actively engaging in a creative process, that’s the “artistic equivalent of “rope-a-dope” – find a dope who likes your marginal piece of crap and rope him into buying it for entirely too much money by creating a phony, half-assed provenance for your “art” out of thin air. There’s no comparison between then and now.

    • “You know you’re doing something right if people start copying you,” said Tron. “You can’t patent a good idea. We’ll take it as a compliment, I guess.”

      Doing something right, or doing something so easy that all of the other try-hards want to get in on it, too?

      • Why do canklesauruses alway dress like small-town wanna-be lesbians? Because that’s what they actually are.

      • “[Fashion Weekend] will center around a “Bushwick Zoo,” an animal-themed costume parade beginning at the Morgan Avenue L stop and winding through the neighborhood to the Living Gallery, on Flushing.”

        Talented people from Bushwick: Charlie and Eddie Murphy, Mae West, Jackie Gleason, Rosie Perez
        Untalented people “from” (cough) Bushwick: too lengthy a list to even contemplate documenting…

        Can anyone commandeer the truck from Maximum Overdrive? Everyone loves a parade!

        • Yep, it’s the whole ‘from Brooklyn’ vs ‘Brooklyn based.’

          from Brooklyn = actually from Brooklyn

          Brooklyn based = talentless pseudo-creative fauxhemian gentrifier from culdesacia currently occupying Brooklyn while pretending to be urban.

          • And they are easy to spot. When I was growing up in a (much smaller) inner city, I don’t ever remember anyone other than a few wanna be suburbanite chicks ever talking about fashion. There were no animal themed costume parades, outside of Halloween there were no costumes at all, there were no “living galleries”, hell there were very very few galleries at all. What there were was hard working people just trying to feed their kids and give them a better live than they themselves had growing up.
            Now we’ve got “urban” people from suburban and rural areas who’s parents gave them such a great life that they can move to cities they’ve never been to and pay whatever they want to for rent and eat the most overpriced over hyped food and never seem to work and all make “art” all day every day and drink and do drugs all night every night.
            Most of the people I grew up with wouldn’t descibe this as a better life. They would describe it as a disgrace.\

          • They wouldn’t even try to describe it, because they couldn’t ever imagine living that way. We must have been raised wrong…

        • Hey, man – you left out Bushwick Bill.

  12. OH…not sure if this is old news but die die hipster recently closed his/her/its blog.

    • Special Edd probably found a new shiny object to chase. Don’t worry, though: as soon as he feels he isn’t getting enough attention, or when Daddy won’t subsidize his latest documentary, he’ll be back.

    • That’s too bad, I was hoping he would continue his “search” for me and try to out me as a hipster or a hypocrite like he tries to do with everyone else who comments here against these toilet-brush shaped try-hards that have polluted our cities.

      • I have to admit that I have fun every time he makes up four or five sockpuppets and tries to out me. Now there’s a guy who got the shit beaten out of him in high school every day for tattling to the teachers…and probably got kicked in the face by the principal daily for being such an asskisser.

    • Yes I know. I saw it too. I’ve been watching that site like a hawk since he tried to frame me for attempted murder.

      He’ll be back soon, once he scores some crystal meth again.

    • Shaka, when the walls fell…

    • Maybe he pissed off Anonymous.

      • Naah. He probably tried to chat up some girl by bragging about his little blog, and she blew him off for a 500-pound geek who sleeps in his Star Trek uniform. After all, the Trekkie probably has more to talk about.

    • Proving that there are more people who hate hipsters than there are hipsters!
      Fuck em, all but six ( pall bearers)

  13. And now some potentially good news:

    http://www.wired.com/business/2012/09/warby-parker/

    The money shot? “With the new funding, Warby Parker is working on new eyeglasses, including titanium frames and progressive eyeglasses (a newer take on bifocals), which it hopes will attract a new set of customers beyond 20-something urbanites, says a source close to the company.” In other words, you can’t make a viable company that sells only to hipsters. The implosion is near, my friends.

    • Titanium frames… built to withstand the harshest of hipster beatings.

      They’re on to us, fellas…

    • When they say “urbanites” they mean “nasal-snarking pussies from the suburbs living off of their parents”

    • Titanium frames – 1990s
      Progressive lenses – same.
      Chapter 7 – VERY soon.

      • That’s what I was thinking. In other words, their standard market is failing because now everybody has those godawful glasses, so it’s time to try gimmicks. The monocle is particularly obnoxious: does anybody have a reason to wear one for actual medical reasons, as opposed to wanting to look like a Hanna-Barbera caricature of a rich snob?

  14. Mr. Silver offers forgiveness in his post yesterday about ignoring his haters (most recently kids apparently). “I took diehipster personal, but now I forgive them and realize that being a troll is unfortunately a source of entertainment for a lot of people.”

    http://www.maninwhitedress.com/

    • He still comes off as butthurt and still needs to get a grip. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Real artists become accustomed to negative criticism. It comes with the territory.

      No, Mr. Silver, you were NOT being trolled. You don’t even know what proper trolling is. No, what you received was honest (albeit, a bit ugly — but not as ugly as you and your dirty speedo) criticism.

    • Holy shite! The pwecious widdle artist is afwaid of high school students who are SO mean! And FOUR of them! And he was brave enough to stay on the square!
      This wickerbill is beyond parody.

    • Warning: shitbird’s website crashed my computer. Enter only after getting tetanus shot.

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