Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Quinn and Ethan wearing top hats and monocles while riding their fixed-gear penny farthings to the Williamsburg beard and moustache Olympics. So I put each of them in a figure-four breadstick lock then picked them up and threw them like javelins back to Wisconsin. End of story.

109 thoughts on “Today’s hipster beating.

  1. They have invaded Dallas. When I was there last week, I saw a bunch along Elm Street and in a dive bar I went to called Doublewide. I blame California as they seem to be relocating from there.

    Also yesterday on Bedford ave. I saw a grown ass woman of about 30 riding on the handlebars of her lice infested boyfriend’s fixie. She was barely hanging on. I prayed for them to hit a pothole so that she could fo flying face first into pavement.

    • Who the fuck wants to move to Dallas? Nothing but steers and queers.

      • It’s actually cosmopolitan and was pretty cool. However most people judge that have never even been there. Better Dallas than Austin which is hipster infested.

        • Thanks. Especially, thanks for not comparing us to Austin. I thought Austin was bad in the Nineties, but now it seems as if every beardo who came down for South By Southwest stays there and refuses to leave.

      • You’re thinking of Longview. The queers out there are all in the closet: the Southern Baptist Convention frowns its senior members coming out, so they settle for coming up to Dallas and “ministering” to all of the youth group leaders during the annual Convention. (Every time Dallas is the site for the annual Southern Baptist Convention, you know it, because the Dallas Police have to walk carefully. The last thing anyone wants is for senior pastors’s faces showing up on the front page of the paper after getting kicked out of the drag clubs on Cedar Springs for excessive obnoxiousness.)

    • Oh, they’ve been in Dallas for a while: as I pointed out a while back, they seem to be breeding up in Plano, and come down to Dallas to slum. The Doublewide is pretty much hipster heaven, as it was the first place in the Dallas area to start selling Pabst Blue Ribbon, and also so the hipster scum can laugh at how “ironic” the interior is. Bad taxidermy, paint-by-numbers portraits on the walls, and lawn toys held together with duct tape: just be glad you missed the wading pool parties they held out front last summer.

      The only good news on this is that Dallas doesn’t have a big problem with hipsters outside of the Exposition Park and Deep Ellum areas. Unfortunately, that’s because SMU brats fill the trust fund turd niche all on their own. When SMU brats and hipsters share spaces, well, no matter who wins, we lose.

    • Why would hipsters born in my state move to Texas ? Lower real estate prices?

      • It’s mostly because of South by Southwest. Austin traditionally has a reputation for putting up with the artistically challenged, and it actually produced a lot of interesting artists back in the Sixties. The problem now is that the place is rotten with the borderline autistic, both with hipsters who came out because of SXSW and who don’t want to leave, and Cat Piss Men who heard that Austin was cool because Bruce Sterling lived there. Because of Silicon Gulch, it’s possible to get a decently paying job in Austin, if you don’t mind competing with thousands of starving University of Texas graduates who are terrified of having to get lives outside of the immediate campus, and if you don’t mind paying truly obscene rents for the privilege of living in a pseudo-Williamsburg that hits 115 degrees in the summer.

  2. oh let’s be so ironic and wear clothes from the early 20th century while yapping and yammering on our iproducts!

    Steampunks can fuck off and go to hell.

    • Steampunk has been around at comic book and scifi cons. (Also Jules Verne fans at the local Dickens fair.) Only in recent times are the hipsters jumping on this trend. Not like those fucks are creative enough to come up with it on their own.

      • Don’t get me going. Most of the ones deciding to jump on a fading trend have an assumption that “artistic”, in their case, is spelled with an “r” instead of a “u”. It’s bad enough that most of the recent adopters have all of the panache of the RenFaire attendees who come out in their “Star Trek” uniforms and pretend to be Away Team members. The real pieces of work, though, are the ones who get so insanely butthurt that everyone else isn’t buying into it that they’ll hit an event and bitch out everyone about how “there aren’t enough gears on it.”

        • They sound like Maker Faire participants. In fact, so much so I’d bet a good number of the Faker Faire, Reddit, Tumblr fags will either have dabbled in or have lying around something to do with steampunk, because encasing a fixie-Roomba in shiny brass is a grand idea doncha know…

          Hipsterism has spread to all parts of the world like the non-thinking cancer that it is.

          BTW, a friend of mine is convinced that every hipster is required to begin answering sentences with ‘So,…’. After listening to some of these dips, I’d agree. It’s an odd commonality.

          “Q: What did you study in college?
          A: So, I started out in po-mo design but then realized I had a stronger attraction to philo debate.
          Q:Are you trying to say that after got fed up with interior design classes that you switched your major to Philosophy?
          A: So what I’m saying is there are carbonal differentiations in levels of attitude. Like, in philo we extrapolate on interior but otherwise regard it as a supportive element in life rather than a plaintative one. So, you see…

          No, that’s enough. So the interviews over, get OUT!!! Make sure you pick up
          a few knuckle raps on the skull as you exit.

  3. Have you guys seen this magazine?
    the tagline is ‘Free in South Brooklyn”. Take a look at the “contributors page”…every single one of those Joshes and Mollys claims to be “from Brooklyn” or ‘lives in Brooklyn”….do these twerps look anything like Brooklyn to you?
    I’m sorry, but there is TOO MUCH HATE in this magazine for me to describe in one comment. You’ll have to click on the link…

    but these guys have literally crossed “the line”!!

    • A magazine by transplants…for transplants. Cause i can definetely tell that this was started by native brooklynites….

      sheesh…what a self-sbsorbed wank rag.

      • *not started. All apologies.

      • Hell, I can’t even see the transplants wanting to read it. In fact, I’ll bet money that the only people who’ve ever picked up a copy, without dumping it back in the pile where they found it, are wannabe writers who figure that they’ll leverage their exposure into a permanent gig at the New York Times. I’m unfortunately way too familiar with magazines of this sort, and they usually consist of four to eight editors shivving each other over who gets to quit his shitty day job to “manage” the magazine full-time, while all of the contributors are expected to work for the exposure “until we’re profitable”.

    • Gotta love contributor Craig LaCourt holding a very young sleeping infant while guzzling down some brew, almost certainly in a bar. Disgusting.

    • Ah, yes, that brought me back. You used to see a lot of regional magazines like this, most of which offered payment in pictures of the contributors on the inside cover. The fact that this has survived, considering the pathetic content, to twelve issues is pretty impressive, and I figure that it has maybe three more until Mom and Dad cut off the funds, the advertisers whine “But I thought you were giving me free advertising because I was so cool,” and it disappears in the middle of the night.

      True story: my wife was interviewed for one of these magazines in Dallas, and she promptly received a phone call from the publisher, giving her the opportunity to “invest” in it. No mention of what she would be getting in return for that investment, other than the same warm feeling you get for pissing your pants in a dark suit, and absolutely no talk about whether she’d actually get her money back in the future. The next month, the magazine’s publisher skipped town and disappeared without trace, leaving a whole load of creditors and advertisers who were out hundreds to thousands of dollars. Apparently the publisher had been hitting them up for advance payments and credit extensions for months, spending the money on top-line Peruvian flake booger sugar, and then starting the “investment” scheme so she could give them token payments. Nobody’s seen or heard from her in twenty years, and I suspect that’s because she was buried alive in a wheat field somewhere in Kansas when she tried that shit with her coke dealer.

    • Overflow Magazine? Shouldn’t it be called Flyover Magazine since the entire editorial staff are from flyover states?

    • Christ, what kind of magazine has a “mission statement” instead of a simple “about us”. Unbelievably pretentious. Now at least I know where to get hand crafted artisanal Brooklyn Gin. The guy in the fur coat is the absolute worst, although he has stiff competition…

    • Overflow…like when a toilet backs up and dumps shit all over the floor?

  4. Today’s newspaper is tomorrow’s toilet paper. And it’s even called Overflow. Coincidence ? Nah !

  5. It never ceases to amaze me how creative you are when making up these ”hipster beatings”.

    • G0_2_HELL!, I agree. I could spend hours and not come up with something as good as any of these hipster beatings. A real “creative type”.

  6. @Hipster Holocaust-Thanks-Contributor #11,Hannah Miet, is standing right in front of some type hipster graffiti as well. Who are these people? Are they even aware how irrelevant they are and how clichéd they look and act? Go Overflow yourselves into the Gowanus Canal. Let me take that back. The Gowanus Canal is too good for you.

  7. Here’s the reason hipster guys can’t get laid. (Warning: 5 minutes of your life you won’t get back)

  8. Not Blood Paint live on the McKibbin Show

    Bushwick area band perform their epic “Watch Your Mouth” live on the McKibbin Show
    NBP: George Frye, Joe Stratton, Mark Jaynes, Seth Miller
    Directors: James Watson, Jamieson Cash
    Camera: Eitan Abramowitz
    Lights: Lancelee James Trimm
    Cast: Jamieson Cash, James Watson
    Editing: Eitan Abramowitz, James Watson
    Production Managers: Lucia Rollow, Kate Schol
    Guru: Zac “Cookiepuss” Darvish
    Additional Music: James Watson, Jangula

    • Point and match!

    • That’s awful, and I’m pretty tolerant to most sounds

      • It sounds like a sack full of instruments rolling down a flight of stairs.

      • Likewise. GG Allin wallowing around in his own shit has more merit than this. What really puts the “cringe factor” way over the top is how so obviously contrived it all is. Trying way too hard to be . . . well, whatever they’re striving for or trying to be, they’ve failed.

    • Television they ain’t.

      • I agree, and on their best day in their future flabby lives, they won’t be Television.

        What is up with the Emo Phillips wigs anyway? At least that guy was entertaining while he looked pale and homely.

    • Don’t know about Stinky Brooklyn, but good cheese is GOOD. I tried some Saxelby Cheese recently – Cabot Chedder and Spring Brook Farm Tarentaise – and that place may be a hipster favorite but it is pretty fucking good. Better than Kraft American cheese.

    • Sorry, but they don’t pass the cheese test till a REAL European comes and tries it.

      I’m sorry, but there’s very few cheeses made in the states that compare. And yeah, I’m American.

      I’d rather a native Italian, German, French or hell…..ANYONE except Megan from Kansas…had the final say on these ‘artisanal’ cheeses. Besides, I’ve yet to see a hipster who looks like they know anything about hygiene, so I don’t want to eat anything that their soft little hands have made.

    • That is the saddest, dumbest thing I’ve seen since I saw an ad for spray-on mud to make it look like you’re a rugged individual who takes his truck out on the muddy roads or does real sport/utility activity with the Sport Utility Vehicle he bought due to penis size issues. Or the Doc Martens from Hot Topic a decade ago that had no steel in the toes. Just for looks. But damn, this really takes the cake since I could dig up some $20 shoes (or some old shoes for free) and put pain on myself. Fucking Fauxhemian can’t even go near some paint for real?

    • I can hear the whining now…”but Daaaaad, I neeeeed those Martin Margiela sneakers so my boss at my unpaid fashion design internship will see how avant garde I am…You don’t understaaaannnd… it’s like called like cutting edge fashion…If I look rilly kewel, I’lI get my boss’s attention and stand out with my kewelness from all the hundred other kewel looking interns(that look identical). Then after I give my boss a couple blowjobs, maybe I’ll move up the ladder to an actual paid job”(that pays next to nothing)

      • “Sorry honey, but that’s EXACTLY how I met your mother and I won’t have my daughter being part of any of THAT. Besides, we both lost our jobs when the district manager walked in with my pants around my ankles and your moms lips wrapped around my…uh…my uh…anyway, the point is that you’ll have to accept you can’t have everything you want or see in Life.”

        P.S. Please don’t pull another suicide attempt over this. Our savings are tapped out kiddo. But I love you and you’re always numero uno with me punkin’ butt.

      • Artisinal fake bird-shit bowler hat – only $640 – get yours now before they’re all gone.

        Maison Michel is the name to know for fashion-forward accessories, so lend avant-garde appeal to every look with this paint-splashed black rabbit-felt trilby. Gray grosgrain ribbon and the label’s signature ‘M’ plaque ensure a touch of artisan luxe. Use the internal comb to angle it on the back of your head for the chicest street-style finish.
        For style advice, speak to an advisor

        Product code: 194156

        • Sadly, I’m afraid the hipster population seems to have gotten its viral spores into Jeff Goldblum. I’m sure he’s not the only celebrity to be so polluted by hipsterims of every kind, but this ad reminds me of when I saw him on TV about a year ago sporting what was clearly a hipster uniform. And he’s in his late 50′s!!!!! So clearly, the disease knows no barriers except, perhaps, common sense and self-acceptance.

        • ‘artisan luxe’???

          the pretentious fukks….

  9. Dunkin Donuts Atrisan Donut Commericial.

    Long story short.

    Hipsters on the stoop…

    Girl Hipster #1: MMmmm these artisan bagels are so tasty.
    Girl hipster#2: “hey what do you think artisan means”
    Guy Hipster: “Its latin”
    Girls hipster#1: For what?
    Guy hipster: “Really, really good bagels”

    Everyone is in on it.

    • THAT is a crime against humanity! I hope Marc Fintz wins his motions and then sues the piss out of them.

    • yep, saw that commercial the other day – was hoping it was a bad dream, but nope; Garret and Zoey really are on that stoop nasally hipstering away about artisan bagels.

      I can’t think of something less New York than getting your bagel at Dunkin Donuts instead of any of the thousands of bagel shops or delis all over the place anywhere in NY.

      Figure four breadstick lock has me cracking up – can you imagine what Classy Freddie Blassie would think of all these pencil necked geeks from Sunny D land trying to claim New York?

    • The original one actully has the bearded fucktard making some “sophisticated analysis” on what the word “artisinal” means. They still air it from time to time.

      It had something to do with the greek and latin meanings from “art” and “isan” or some shit like that.

      Just wanted to punch the screen so badly when it came on.

    • I saw that commercial for the first (and hopefully the last) time a few days ago.

      What the FUCK.

    • I just saw “artisnal packed” lettuce in foodtown wtf?

      • The hipster population is HUGE and easily seperated from their money, as they have no common sense or real self-worth. There’s no way companies are going to ignore the <25 crowd as they are banking ( probably wrongly ) on this generation coming into better times, like the Boomers did in the 70's and 80's once they stopped pretending to love Nature and drugs.

        So, there's probably all kinds of new packaging coming down the pike even if the contents are the same ( e.g. Marlboro having 50 thousand different types of packaging for essentially three types of tobacco LOL )

  10. Wow.. According to gothamist. The plague is infiltrating crown heights, highlighting Franklin ave. Hip Hop group black moon put this neighborhood on the map with FAP (Franklin ave posse). Where they produced classic rap albums also promoted violence on OT (out of towners). I used to be sacred to death on venturing out to this part of the borough. Now cyclists are getting a feel of the neighborhood via face plant.

  11. anbody see the new HBO show “Girls” (can’t help it, I live in a house with 5 of them)? Can’t tell if I hate it or not but they certainly take this piss out of the hipster life style. First scene is a girl having dinner with her parents. Tehy annonce that they have paid for her education, she graduated 2 years ago, and they are no longer paying for her “groovy life syle” She whines: But I’m not special yet, you wanted me to be special, I am really close to being special”. Next scene she marches into her 2 year publihsing internship to annonce hse wants to get paid. They fire her and say we have an unlimted supply of free interns. She meet boyfriend and tells him she has been fired and he says “Well you were an unpaid intern, I guess they asked you to stop hanging out in their office”. The off to the $2,100 dollar apartment in, you guessed it……..Brooklyn! Where 3 other whiny bitches seem to live a care free, magical, work-free exiistance. Fianlly she confronts her parents and makes them read her book saying. You just need to support me 2 more years at $1,100 dollars a month because……I AM THE VOICE OF MY GENERATION!. Like I said, can’t tell if they are sending up the hipsters or not, but lots of bad things happen to these bitches so it might be worth checking out

    • If I didn’t know that this story plays out innumerable times in Brooklyn, I’d figure that the writers were familiar with Elizabeth Wurtzel. She got a bit of fame 20 years ago for writing Prozac Nation, which was pretty much a “look at me: I was on Prozac, and I did all of these stupid things for attention!” source guide on how to be a hipster. She then went on to write Bitch, noted more for her posing nude on the front cover than for anything she might have had to say. That book bombed so badly that she allegedly had to pay back almost all of her advance (the joke went that the only people who bothered to buy it were weekly newspaper editors jealous that they couldn’t get book deals like hers), and by 2001, she was writing articles about 9/11 that pretty much distilled into “I can’t believe nobody’s calling me to assign me an article about what I think about this.”

      And that’s the problem with a lot of these wannabe writers. Hey, I understand. Every young writer is certain that the world will change if just they had the chance to get their stories out. I had a fit of that myself…when I was 21. The sad part is when Mom and Dad give in and subsidize their little wannabe Wurtzels into their thirties…and forties…and fifties, and they still haven’t written anything of substance because they still haven’t lived yet. Meanwhile, they sit around crying about how other writers are getting noticed, because those other writers aren’t hanging out at the Starbucks, desperately hoping that someone will notice their writing and make them famous.

      • They might be great writers, but there are millions of them. They are competing for work with the thousands of paid journalist that are recently out of work because of the collapse of the newspaper and magazine industry. There probably should be a 10 year moratorium on English degrees. There just is too many of them. Fact of the matter is many artists worked jobs they didn’t like and did their “art” on their own time. These folks just think that they want to have a certain position in life and someone should provide pay for it. Not to be

        • The government should subsidize degrees in the hard sciences and manufacturing trades, and tax degrees in things like English, Comp Lit, Gender studies, etc.

          • Funny, I came up with that exact same idea before. Make all Physics, Chemistry, Biology, Astrophysics, Computer Science, and all other engineering and useful courses free but with stiff entry requirements. Then subsidize them by adding $10,000 tax on every semester of Women’s Studies and English Lit and every other useless hipster piece of shit course everywhere and remove all entry requirements besides the payola.

          • I don’t really have any problem with someone pursuing the Arts, including History, Lit, etc etc. I read – A LOT, and so can always appreciate a really well written book. I’ve gotten so good at it that I can spot ‘the next big thing’ book as being total shite and generally, and even more sadly, I’m right.

            There are very important differences between a good/average writer and a truly great and truly gifted writer. The great writer has spent years and years and years of first finding their own ‘voice’ and then set about using their Composition, Research methodology, and using the important points of story flow and character development BEFORE writing a word of it.

            These poor hipsters that think their very first book, or song, or play, or screenplay or anything is going to be considered a timeless work of art that stands that test of Time are truly deluded people. Writing takes years of hard work and you have to have a very high level of discipline to ensure you don’t just vomit out a mildly amusing, average book that is stacked next to all the other stacks of ‘new’ books that go in the trash or to the thrift store.

            Point is, to become a great writer takes a helluva lot of dedication and intestinal fortitude. That oft repeated fact is what trips the hipster writer up and leaves them crying into their beer

  12. lol top hats and monocles.


    The late 70′s, 80′s and early 90′s. Graff’s golden era. Frozen fingers, rainbow colored pockets, beef with “toys”, running from cops and anyone else who didn’t like us. Those were the good old days!

    • Yep, I remember seeing Lee, Lady Pink, Skeme, Dondi everywhere. Top-to-bottom cars, handball backboards, etc. Loved all of it, miss it now, especially the top-to-bottoms. They’d roll into the station, a rainbow of colors, I thought it was really beautiful. People took photos of it all back in the day, but credited the artists. NOT like now, where Kyle, Josh and Caleb take pictures of kewel gritty urban graffiti, don’t give a rats ass about the artists and claim the photos of someone else’s work as their own art, then proceed to show them in galleries. Such BS.

    • Get a load of this piece of shit:

      “…value that humanities degrees have in building critical thinking and analytical skills…”

      I went to a college in the CUNY system. Tuition was pretty damn cheap despite having many high quality professors. Like those damn Apple products, you are mostly paying for the name brand of a private college or ivy league school.

      Just because you’ve received your masters degree doesn’t mean you can just snub the “low end” or ‘degrading’ jobs. I’m starting to believe that these top notch schools are churning out spoiled snobs, especially the ones that major in those recently made up liberal arts courses.

      As for those unemployed STEM graduates, maybe they’re not the competitive type? People I know who’ve graduated with a science or engineering degree landed a job soon after due to them busting their asses so that they can appear as the best candidate. The people I know are also the type that wouldn’t turn down a job because it’s related to military research like many of these new found hippies would.

      • Yeah, they should enroll in the US’ largest and most comprehensive vocational school: the military. Learn a trade and get paid to do it. And maybe even grow up…

    • Hehe, I found Hipsterminator’s reply on that thread.

      Sadly, it’s apparent that the voice of reason is not getting through to these dickwads.

    • Swamp,

      I’ve been in the engineering business for 34 years. I can say with 100% confidence that those who majored hard sciences (save for Biology) usually have little trouble getting work.

      The issues with these self-entitled, crack pipe physiqued carnies are:

      a) They never had to do any physcial labor. They never mowed a lawn or hauled a pallet of bricks. Everything was given to them.

      b) Praise, praise, praise!

      c) Since mommy and daddy let junior “follow his dreams” because he was “special” no one ever pointed out that dreams don’t pay bills or put down payments on houses.

      d) They don’t know the meaning of the word “NO”.

      e) Junior and his ilk were told that in order to amount to anything they have to get a degree.
      Meanwhile, I get calls once a month from shops asking ME – a customer – if I know of any qualifed welders, machinists, sheetmetal workers, etc. My plumber can’t even get a guy as an apprentice. As a result, Tech schools are scaling back on their offerings due to lack of enrollment.

      f) These turds created their own problems. Unpaid apprenticeships? 18 years in the aerospace biz and STILL HAVEN’T SEEN ONE SUMMER APPRENTICE WHO WASN’T WELL PAID. He or she actually did real work related to their field. No one ran out for coffee, picked up the bosses laundry or did a coke run for his boss.

      g) They feel the world “needs” culture. No. the world likes culture – much like I like butter pecan ice cream or Oreos. But I don’t need Oreos or ice cream to survive.
      Honestly – think about it – if you come home and find your toilet broken and six inches of impacted cr*p is flowing down your newly carpeted steps, who are you gonna call – Twyla Tharp or Vince the plumber? When you get alchohol poisoning from locally sourced Brooklyn Moonshine who are you gonna pray to to help you – Bansky or an EMT.

      As someone here posted I’m a big believer in subsidizing the hard sciences. The teachers can easily go somewhere else to work and make more money. Women’s Studies professors have no where to go. When I attended Villanove they charged a premium for technical courses. the lib – arts courses? Cheap in comparision. In fact, being an Augustian school they got rid of English Comp 1 & II as cor courses and substituted “writing enriched theology classes – taught by priests from the local Catholic Schools…for a pittance.

      • In addition. My 9 year old is always being spoiled by my mother-in-law. He asks for and always receives a trip to K-mart so she can drop 20 bucks on Pokemon cards.

        he asked me to buy cards last weekend.

        How much do they cost?

        10 dollars.

        Are you using your own money.

        (sheepish) umm yes.

        I’ll drive you. But you have to earn tit. Remember the landscape guy who delivered the stones?

        Uh huh.

        he makes about ten bucks an hour. if you go out and move stones from the pile to the shrubs for an hour, I’ll take you.

        The kid did it – for 30 minutes. he came in – sweaty, dirty and grumpy.

        ME: OK. i’ll let you slide. Let’s go to K-Mart.

        SON: Uh..nah…I’m gonna save my money for somwething else…

      • Some of this isn’t even a hipster problem. We have placed such a high value on higher education that we have lost sight of the need for skilled craftsmen. As you welders, machinists, sheetmetal workers plumbers ect, ect, have little value. A kid that wanted to grow up and be a welder would be looked at as a disappointment. I don’t think it should be that way. It takes years of training and apprenticeship (not un-paid interning) to become a master of that trade. Even something so mundane as a car mechanic. Not many good ones and clearly not enough of them. I have a good one, but I wish there was some competition because I have old cars and the basic stuff is beyond me. Maybe these massive student loans are a positive thing. It might be better if student loans were only offereed for hings in demand (actuary, accounting, engineer, medical) and the not in demand stuff ( laywer, art history, history) would be pay as you go. It might shake the thought of college as a nessesity and open a career path for machinists (they still need some college and math I guess)

        • Not to mention a good mechanic will make way way more than the average art history major, and probably have time to read a few books about art if they’re so inclined after they clock out.

          The real problem is that we have an extremely antiquated view of manufacturing or assume it has to be slave labor like in China. Manufacturing is a pretty high tech field these days, and proper vocational tracks in high school coupled w/ trade schools, on the job training, etc. could lead you into all kinds of tech fields (electronics, robotics etc). You won’t just be turning a wrench. The most successful humanities graduates don’t work in the humanities :)


    New York Times
    April 23, 201

    In a “nabe” known for fixies, penny farthings and vintage shopping carts as popular modes of transportation, curious onlookers
    were stunnedon Saturday to see a ’68 cherry red Camaro convertible making its way up Bedford Avenue followed by a camera crew.

    Look out folks – Guy Fieri is in town – again.

    The Food Network’s Spikey haired wailing wall of hipness was in town to film a local Brooklyn based taco shop for his show, “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives”.

    “Taco is Spanish For Taco” proprietors Logan Duckturd and Zeke Entropy just shrugged and said, ” We knew he’d be coming around soon. We’re new
    And he’s usually filming around here at least twice a week”.

    In fact Logan and Zeke’s ”Taqueria” received Fieri’s highest rating – the “OFF THE HOOK” – the 643rd Williamsburg (Brooklyn) taco shop to receive the honor since November.

    Zack and Logan, 32, long time Brooklynites from Ohio, met 4 years ago at a chalk sock competition in Brooklyn’s McCarren park. Each have Master’s degree in Vaudeville Lighting and set design. While pursuing their Phds in Vintage Bottle Cap Conservancy, they discovered a shared a love for Tacos and Danny Trejo films.

    “So we decided to combine the two”, said, Zack.

    “We feel our product is superior to those of the other 642 taquerias in Billyburg. No one in Brooklyn new what a good taco was until we set up shop”, added Logan.

    When we questioned the tacos’ 23 dollar price tag our doubts were assuaged once we saw the care and authenticity Duckturd and Entropy took in making their Brooklyn based product.

    “It’s definitely an artisanal product – Brooklyn based but authentic. “Every morning we have a pig delivered from Jerry Colonna Piggery – a local Brooklyn based pig farm in Bushwick, which is in Brooklyn. We name it, have a local authentic Mexican priest bless it and give it a massage. Massaging relaxes the pig and makes for a more tender product”, said, Zack.

    Around 9AM, Maria, an old Mexican lady shows up and hobbles down to the basement where Logan and Zack have installed an authentic Brooklyn based Santeria sacrificial temple. You can guess the rest.

    “She does it for free”, said Logan.

    “Ya. She just wants the heart and entrails”, added Zack. “It’s a pain getting the blood out of our beards, but that’s the price you pay for artisanal, Brooklyn based authenticity”.

    In fact the owners go to painstaking extremes to make their product as authentic and artisanal as possible.

    “All our ingredients are smuggled in the US by crack mules”, beamed Logan. “See those little balloons on the shelf? They’re spices”.

    Although only open for 3 days and a daily wait of two hours at lunch time ”Taco Is Spanish For Taco” has received a 100% positive feedback from 22,000 reviews – all of them posted by someone called “Not Zack or Logan” who write, “Ya. This is like sooo authentic. Just like you get in the old country. And Zack and Logan are sooo HOT!”.

    When we asked diners what their favorite menu items were almost all gave a thumbs up to the “Carne Wilson” – a Hindenburg sized, 56 dollar behemoth loaded with Slim Fast marinated shredded pork, house rendered , hot sauce, sour cream, shredded Velveeta, diced Twinkies, Mast Brothers chocolate, pickled cactus, Prozac – and of course – locally sourced Bacon. The entire affair topped with a Red Velvet Cupcake from Brooklyn-based cupcakery “Brooklyn Based Cupcakes”. The crowning touch? The dish is served on an rare, original vinyl 45 of Wilson Philips, “Hold On”

    This writer was fortunate enough to witness the historic moment when Fieri bit into a Carne Wilson, grunted, slapped the boys a high five and said, “ Man that’s off the hook! You guys really took the short bus to Flavor Town with this one!!”

    Unfortunately, Fieri’s visit was cut short when Taylor, his producer, informed him of a new Taco Shop across the street which opened 10 minutes after his arrival.

    Taylor pulled Fieri aside and whispered, “Dude this is HOT. “It’s a Brooklyn based, l*sbian owned joint called “The Velvet Taco”. There big seller is the “Frito Kahlo” – It’s stuffed with Spanish moss and tongue and garnished with a chocolate mustache”. They have 36,000 posts on Yelp and they’ve only been opened for 20 minutes. Dude, Camiile Paglia is eating there as we speak. Camille F***KIN’ Paglia! Number 644!!”

    Fieri, ever the champion of hipster food, cut his visit short, waved to the crowd and yelled, “DUTY CALLS!” before driving across the street. Zack and Logan looked at us and said, “man that was sooo intense”. That was like kissing the Pope’s ring. We’re legit now. I think it’s time we expanded our mini-empire. I saw a “For Rent” in a store front around the corner”.

    • Holy shit…I had to go back and read this 3 times because I was laughing so hard. Bravo!

      • Thanks!

        They also have – “The Oprah, which ” is identical to the “Carne Wilson” but substitutes schmaltze and BBQ sauce for lard, placed on a copy of “Eat Pray Love” and served by a waitress who tells you, “Hey – You’re special”.

        • And there’s the “Rosie O’Donnell”: “Steel doesn’t melt” — but cheese does! Lots of gooey melted cheddar over ahi tuna stuffed into a glutenous soft shell. This taco is the “queen of nice”.

        • i’m in a restaurant on 3rd avenue in North Brooklyn and just passed around my phone to 3 of the workers here who are still dying laughing from your post…no work was done here for a while. I need to start documenting “True Life Hipster Tales” between myself and my fellow bartender/waiters here we could write volumes! Keep up the good work! Haha

    • “Zeke Entropy”…brilliant …

    • I love you so fucking much right now.

    • Hahah, well done. You had me going, even after the names. That’s how bad it is, I assumed they just changed their names to shitty ironic names.

    • First, you had me fooled there for a minute. Also, I want to ask:
      Is Food Network magazine a hipster rag now? Is Food Network hipster “foodie” tv? Or is Guy Fieri just considered to be a hipster food deity? I’ve kind of grappled with the fact that hipsters will refuse the label “hipster” but still not shut up about how they are a “foodies”. Part of me wonders; why let them take that label for themselves? I like good food. I like some of the food trucks out there. I’ve read Food Network and Saveur magazine. I don’t have cable tv but I’ve seen some Food Network shows. I’m not rich but can’t I be a foodie too? Is it worth “taking back” the label “foodie”? Yeah, I think Guy Fieri is weird, but he’s an actual chef and restauranter still. (He still can cook rings around my paltry kitchen skills) So what if the hipster foodies think he’s god?

      On the other hand:

    • Part of what makes Critical Mass in my area so full of Massholes is because a lot of them insist on bringing alcohol to the ride or getting sloshed before joining the others.

      • Well, Critical Mass’ explicit message IS just “look at meeeeeeeee” so whenever they show up in NYC is pretty much the only time the cops start arresting bikers. As a former messenger and bike commuter, I’ve never had problems with pedestrians or cops except on days when Critical Mass was in effect.

        More examples of guys who Ruin It For The Rest Of Us.

    • He was an engineering student, not a hipster. What is wrong with you?

    • Jesus Christ you’re an asshole.

    • Curly hair doth not a hipster make.

      • Put him in a metal T-shirt (the old-school 80s kind with the semi-long black sleeves) and he looks like one of the dudes I used to hang with back in high school.

    • Doesn’t strike me as a hipster at all. Eccentric, yes. Hipster, no. The dude was a scientist. Involvement with the hard sciences on that level means lots of work and little or no recognition for it — something a hipster (or someone with a similar psychological profile) can’t get with.

    • Einstein had funny hair, and he was one of our greatest scientists. Some of the greatest composers in music had funny hair too.

  15. Apparently, I just ended a friendship because I said I hated Pomplamoose and said only hipsters are their fans. I was called a biggot for hating hipsters as a class of people and said friend seems to have severed ties with me this morning because he’s a longtime Pomlamoose fan. (From before Hyundai’s contract with them.) I always took him for a metal-head. This is out of left-field for me. I was talking about how a modern Japanese pop song was covered by a traditional Japanese music group and how it sounded nice, unlike the Pomplamoose cover to “Beat It” which turned me off to them right away.

    • They love sanitizing black music with morose, “look at meeeeeeeee” acoustic dirge covers. Case in point, this beardo killing Hey Yeah by rap group Outkast

      • Hipster-fying music = making it completely lifeless, soulless, rhythmless, emotionless, whiny and boring. ALL hipster singers sing in that whiny nasally vocal style in exactly the same way. I got a minute in and had to shut it off. Hipsters ruin EVERYTHING.

        • I’ve been hearing a lot of these godawful fucking covers lately, and every one of them takes a good song and drains every bit of energy and passion out of it. It’s as if these idiots heard that cover of “Hurt” that Johnny Cash and thought they could do the same thing.

          • That’s exactly it and the thing that’s so infuriating about their arrogance.

            The man in black had DECADES of WORK, hard work at that, behind him. He endured the shifting tastes of music over his career but kept doing what he did best. Not only that, he was a supportive musician who didn’t mind sharing the spotlight at all.

            Hipsters don’t know struggle and rejection and a grinding, relentless schedule of 300 days on the road year after year. Maybe their ‘indy’ band do six months in a minivan their moms buy them, but that’s nowhere near having the choice of working in a coal mine or becoming a musician, as Cash did. These shallow tards do not know the difference between ‘credibility’ and NOT. To them, ‘Art’ is as easy as crayons, paint by numbers, stencils. Art is degradable and should stay degradable so that they can all be and say they are artists.

            They’re like tin cans and toilet paper telling each other they’re gold and silk. They’re absurd.

        • +1

          Amen to that.

      • Someone throw a brick in this guys face for chrissakes or volunteer him for immediate vocal cord removal *please*

  16. I truly, truly apologize for the garbage that comes out of my state (Wisconsin)

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