In this week’s NY Times Brooklyn handjob you’ll read about people named Dickerman and Cade and others whose ages range from 25-50 hanging out in a Victorian Kidult ”Communal” Club house. Why? Because Brooklyn is a kewelllllll brand deeeeeeeed!
Today, I saw flute-physiqued Xander struggling to carry a bag of Sriracha flavored artisanal popcorn up to his $3,200 a month, 105 year old, 5th floor walk-up apartment in Bushwick. So I scaled the outside of the building; climbed through his window; and greeted him at the front door with Shoryuken Ryu Street Fighter uppercut which shattered his bony bearded face. End of story.
Today, I saw Chase the emaciated rent-raising cupcakeologist checking his mailbox for this month’s gentrification allowance check. So I chased him onto the Brooklyn Queens Expressway where “ironically” a U-Haul bringing in two more hipsters from Iowa flattened him. End of story.
Lyrics start at 00:22
<Bongo intro and nasal shrieks> Like, yah...Like, yah.........YAH Please allow me to be my useless self I'm a kidult of wealth but no taste I've been in Brooklyn for a long 3 years Stole many Brooklynite's homes and faith I grew a beard just like Jesus Christ And slimmed down to the shape of a rake Made damn sure that I never Wash my hair or work very late Pleased to meet you Hope you guessed I'm Zane But what's puzzling you Is the gender of my frame I stuck around St. Williamsburg When I saw it was a time for a change Pushed out the natives; I'm so sinister Astoria, you'll get the same I rode a bike Made all the rents spike Made the natives rage The L train platform's my stage Pleased to meet you Hope you guessed I'm Zane, like, yah Ah, what's puzzling you Is the gender of my frame, like, yah Looooook at meeeeeee! In the Boro's of Kings and Queens I might stay for a decade Then go back to my home state I nasally shrieked, "Who hit me with a parking meter?" When after all It was the hipster beater Let me please be my useless self I'm a kidult from a fly-over state I use Google Maps to find a grocery store Brooklyn is very scary after 8. Pleased to meet you Hope you guessed I'm Zane, like yah But what's puzzling you Is the gender of my frame, like yah, get down Zany <solo> Pleased to meet you Hope you met my friend Brent, like yah But what's confusing you Is how we pay our rent? Just as every corporation is criminal But Apple, Converse and Ray-Ban get no complaint I farm urban quails, just call me Gentrifier Cause I'm in need of art supplies and paint So if you beat me Have some courtesy Have some sympathy, and some taste If I hear your Brooklyn accent I'll blind you with my skin; it's bright as paste! Pleased to meet you Hope you guessed I'm Zane, like yah But what's puzzling you Is the gender of my frame, um mean it, get down Woo, who Like, yah, get on down Like, yah Like, yah! Tell me Caleb, what's my name? Rooftop honey, can ya guess I'm Zane? Tell me Mason, what's my name? I tell you one time, I'm so fucking lame. Ooo, who Ooo, who Ooo, who Ooo, who, who Ooo, who, who Ooo, who, who Ooo, who, who
LOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEEE!!!! I’m Hitler! Seriously, this piece of shit needs to slowly be run through a wood chipper 100 times over and then fed to sharks. How dare you try look like one of the biggest mass murdering lunatics in history? Wait let me guess Zach, you accidentally achieved this look, right? You still don’t see the resemblance, right? What’s everybody talking about, right? Who’s Hitler, right?
WHY WHY WHY are fucking hipsters constantly doing shit like this??? WHYYY? Their need for attention is just embarrassing and sickening to no end. This doesn’t seem to be NYC, but where ever it is, I hope somebody beats the living fuck out of you Zach.
Who can move to any city and label themselves “artists”? Who has subsidization to live in any apartment at any price at any given moment? Who can make up whimsical theories to explain their idiotic attempts at art? Who has the infinite leisure time to live in a giant hamster wheel for 10 straight days and wallow in their own piss, shit and hipster body odor and call it “performance art”?
Who? THESE MOTHER FUCKERS DO:
The other day, Spike Lee gave a speech at Pratt and somebody asked for his thoughts on gentrification; he went off on a 7 minute rant on hipsters. Although he mentions “white people”, it’s not racist as the average defensive hipster/yupster would immediately nasally shriek. I’m sure the first reaction by a hipster or out of town gentrifier to Spike’s rant is “he’s racist”. He isn’t. He is specifically talking about hipsters; smug wannabe creative-type, gentrifying hipsters and yupsters who are trying to live upper class lives in working class neighborhoods. Sure New York is always changing – but this last decade’s hipster invasion has made the change too drastic; unfair to normal working families and young natives trying to live and work in the places they grew up; this does not just mean “black neighborhoods”. Plenty of hipsters still have parental financial support well into their 30′s and are using those funds to further keep rents high and raise rents in the new neighborhoods they “pioneer” into.
Here’s the thing: I grew up here in Fort Greene. I grew up here in New York. It’s changed. And why does it take an influx of white New Yorkers in the south Bronx, in Harlem, in Bed Stuy, in Crown Heights for the facilities to get better? The garbage wasn’t picked up every motherfuckin’ day when I was living in 165 Washington Park. P.S. 20 was not good. P.S. 11. Rothschild 294. The police weren’t around. When you see white mothers pushing their babies in strollers, three o’clock in the morning on 125th Street, that must tell you something.
[Audience member: And I don’t dispute that … ]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And even more. Let me kill you some more.
[Audience member: Can I talk about something?]
Then comes the motherfuckin’ Christopher Columbus Syndrome. You can’t discover this! We been here. You just can’t come and bogart. There were brothers playing motherfuckin’ African drums in Mount Morris Park for 40 years and now they can’t do it anymore because the new inhabitants said the drums are loud. My father’s a great jazz musician. He bought a house in nineteen-motherfuckin’-sixty-eight, and the motherfuckin’ people moved in last year and called the cops on my father. He’s not — he doesn’t even play electric bass! It’s acoustic! We bought the motherfuckin’ house in nineteen-sixty-motherfuckin’-eight and now you call the cops? In 2013? Get the fuck outta here!
Nah. You can’t do that. You can’t just come in the neighborhood and start bogarting and say, like you’re motherfuckin’ Columbus and kill off the Native Americans. Or what they do in Brazil, what they did to the indigenous people. You have to come with respect. There’s a code. There’s people.
You can’t just — here’s another thing: When Michael Jackson died they wanted to have a party for him in motherfuckin’ Fort Greene Park and all of a sudden the white people in Fort Greene said, “Wait a minute! We can’t have black people having a party for Michael Jackson to celebrate his life. Who’s coming to the neighborhood? They’re gonna leave lots of garbage.” Garbage? Have you seen Fort Greene Park in the morning? It’s like the motherfuckin’ Westminster Dog Show. There’s 20,000 dogs running around. Whoa. So we had to move it to Prospect Park!
I mean, they just move in the neighborhood. You just can’t come in the neighborhood. I’m for democracy and letting everybody live but you gotta have some respect. You can’t just come in when people have a culture that’s been laid down for generations and you come in and now shit gotta change because you’re here? Get the fuck outta here. Can’t do that!
And then! [to audience member] Whoa whoa whoa. And then! So you’re talking about the people’s property change? But what about the people who are renting? They can’t afford it anymore! You can’t afford it. People want live in Fort Greene. People wanna live in Clinton Hill. The Lower East Side, they move to Williamsburg, they can’t even afford fuckin’, motherfuckin’ Williamsburg now because of motherfuckin’ hipsters. What do they call Bushwick now? What’s the word? [Audience: East Williamsburg]
That’s another thing: Motherfuckin’… These real estate motherfuckers are changing names! Stuyvestant Heights? 110th to 125th, there’s another name for Harlem. What is it? What? What is it? No, no, not Morningside Heights. There’s a new one. [Audience: SpaHa] What the fuck is that? How you changin’ names?
And we had the crystal ball, motherfuckin’ Do the Right Thing with John Savage’s character, when he rolled his bike over Buggin’ Out’s sneaker. I wrote that script in 1988. He was the first one. How you walking around Brooklyn with a Larry Bird jersey on? You can’t do that. Not in Bed Stuy.
So, look, you might say, “Well, there’s more police protection. The public schools are better.” Why are the public schools better? First of all, everybody can’t afford — even if you have money it’s still hard to get your kids into private school. Everybody wants to go to Saint Ann’s — you can’t get into Saint Ann’s. You can’t get into Friends. What’s the other one? In Brooklyn Heights. Packer. If you can’t get your child into there … It’s crazy. There’s a business now where people — you pay — people don’t even have kids yet and they’re taking this course about how to get your kid into private school. I’m not lying! If you can’t get your kid into private school and you’re white here, what’s the next best thing? All right, now we’re gonna go to public schools.
So, why did it take this great influx of white people to get the schools better? Why’s there more police protection in Bed Stuy and Harlem now? Why’s the garbage getting picked up more regularly? We been here!
All right, go ahead. Let’s see you come back to that.