THE URBAN COWBOY, WILLIAMSBURG –
Like, yah. I mean – LIKE, YEEEEEEEEE HAWWWWWW DUUUUUUDE!!!! That’s right partner! What’s that you say? You can’t afford a trip to Texas but you can somehow afford to move to Nieuw Breuckelen and pay some of the highest prices on Earth from coffee to rent? Well we’ve got the place for you to act like a pioneering prick you fucking kidult piece of shit. Yep, stay at the Urban Cowboy in Williamsburg and pay $200 – $300 a night - just like the cowboys with spurs and 10-gallon hats did in Wild West Williamsburg 150 years ago. Here is what the owner, “Lyon” from you guessed it, Ohio, has to say about his hip hotel.
“The Wythe Hotel is Vegas. It’s an amusement park,” said Lyon of the trendy spot a 15-minute walk toward the Williamsburg waterfront. “I’m not a hater — I love that place — but this is a neighborhood.” Originally from Shaker Heights, near Cleveland, he first moved to Brooklyn around 2001. “The L train didn’t work on the weekends, there were no condos, there were prostitutes and heroin on Kent Avenue,” Lyon recalled. “It was the Wild West out here — pun intended.”
Now people want a different kind of “authentic” experience. “Williamsburg is the coolest place in the western hemisphere,” he said. “You’re choosing to stay in Williamsburg, you’re kind of an interesting person.”
THE HOSTILE HOSTEL, Rockaways - Now here we have Laura Jones who at age 30 has lived all over the world (thanks to you know who) and even opened her first hostel in Puerto Rico last year (probably thanks to you know who again). This month in the recently discovered, hipster-infested Rockaway, Queens, she opened a “domestic abuse, guns & gang violence, and drug-themed” hostel for this summer’s herd of nasally transients to rent rooms after soaking up some mid-week, mid-work day rays into their glow-in-the-sun skeletal bodies. So she thought it would be kewel and fun to mock real urban problems with suite names like “Domestic Violence Bungalow”; “The Whore House”; and “The Crackhouse”. But after community opposition from REAL NEW YORKERS and negative media attention, poor wittle Wauwa was forced to change those names and some of the offensive decor she had going on in her cute little summer urban project. As I type this, her website http://www.thehostilehostel.com/ is down.
Royal Palms Shuffle Board Club, Gowanus - Last but not least, you can now also pretend to be a 75 year old retired old person who moved to Florida – BUT YOU CAN DO IT IN BROOOOOOOOKLYN IN YOUR 20′s, 30′s and 40′s DAYUUUUUUUUDE! Yes! Nestled near the toxic Gowanus Canal, the Royal Palms Shuffle Board Club offers: affordable $40 per hour shuffle boarding, $11 cocktails and $14 dollar lobster rolls. So start shuffling; it’s sooooooo authentic Brooklyn!