CitiBike program failing as predicted; needs millions to bail out.

citibikehipsterHow stupid can this city be? Didn’t they notice how empty all the unnecessary bike lanes were prior to the CitiBike program? You can stand in one of the hundreds of bike lanes for up to an hour sometimes without seeing one bike. Wasn’t that the ultimate indicator that we don’t need these unused, space-wasting, bike rack monstrosities all over the place? Well I’m glad to see one of Bloomberg’s babies failing. I saw this one failing from the day it was announced.

Link: NY Post – Citibike’s in the RED


citibikehipster2I hate when left wing hips/yups try to convince politicians to implement programs for this city and country that work in socialist European countries 1/20th of our size and population. Some things will just never work here like they work in Sweden, Denmark or The Netherlands. Now of course, backers of the Citibike program are looking for taxpayer bailouts for this “LOOOK AT MEEEE” program. Fuck that shit! You are not using my tax dollars so some playcationing fauxhemian can rent a bike to go to Whole Foods to buy locally-sourced hydroponic arugala and cage-free chicken stock.



citibikesnowAnd lastly, didn’t the city realize that we actually have WINTER here in the Northeast? That you can’t really ride a bike comfortably when you factor in the wind once the temperature goes below 40 degrees? That we get SNOWSTORMS? That plows pile snow up along the same side walks as these ugly bikes are parked? That in that snow is WATER along with corrosive salt and chemicals that will probably damage the bikes as they sit buried for days or weeks at a time?

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Homogenizing Harrison deciding which parentally issued credit card to use to pay for his “Save Brooklyn” tattoo that was inked onto his popsicle stick wrist. So I placed a GPS tag on his Iditarod dog sledding hat and later tracked him down to Roberta’s $16 beard hair and cigarette ash pizza slice shop and beat him into a paralyzed beardo with his own iPad. End of story. 

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Keegan, Wagner, Ward and Caleb celebrating 3 years in the magical land of Nieuw Breuckelen over some $9.00 happy hour craft ales at the Newtown Creek yacht club. So I dressed up like the Pringle’s man to make them feel comfortable and said “I’ll be your new bartender” as I took the soda gun hose and simultaneously strangled their toilet paper tube necks. End of story.

Barista arrives in 2008; is now Greenpoint expert.

So a Molly (yep, another Molly), who arrived to Brooklyn a long, long 5 1/2 years ago in 2008, wrote a wayyyyy too long article about the complicated and excruciating life of a barista and her vast knowledge of Greenpoint – 5,606 words to be exact. Yes, 5,606 words about Greenpoint and only mentions the word “Polish” once. That is how self-centered and narcissistic these fucking transient hipsters are. Every single day, practically, they write articles about coffee, beer, food or the “current” neighborhood they live in as if they lifted a rock, or maybe a wooden board, OK let’s be realistic – we’re talking about hipster strength – a piece of loose leaf paper and discovered these things.

Link: – Inside the Barista Class

I’m not writing this rant to knock people in the service industry; I’m writing about the supposedly “educated”, “creative”, and “talented” crowd who’ve been swarming into our cities for the last 10-15 years taking these jobs while they wait to be “discovered” and making these jobs seem whimsical. I’ve got news for you Zoey – if you’re selling 10 craft bracelets a month on Etsy while being a part-time kale ‘n egg brunch server - give it up and go back to Michigan. I’ve also got news for you Brent – if you’re over 25 and can only play smelly hipster dive bars or attract 8 people on the Bedford Ave L train platform – you ain’t getting discovered. Do you fucking hipsters ever wonder that maybe if you weren’t ADULTS with so many exposed tattoos, pierced noses and stretched earlobes, dirty and purposely messy hair that MAYBE, just MAYBE you’d be more presentable and get the jobs you really wanted?


So Molly, if you’re reading this, next time you might want to consider mentioning a bit more, the families of various nationalities that have been in Greenpoint for the last 50 – 100 years that had to leave to make way for insufferable, whiny, playcationers like yourself who play with chemistry set coffee makers.

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Quaid the jockey whip-armed, rent-raising, monocle wearing, hipster piece of fucking shit chaining his rusty Schwinn to a normal Brooklynite’s front gate. So I dissolved him in a barrel of acid, poured him into a water balloon, drove to Wisconsin and threw it at his enabling Daddy’s face. End of story.

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Conrad the red bearded, oar-shaped, North Brooklyn Craft University certified, artisanal pig butcherer heading to Ye Olde Shoppe which is located on a block full of bodegas and 99 cents stores in Bushwick where he sells a package of locally cured bacon for $36.00. So I took his imported Sperm Whale bone handled hacksaw and sawed him into the gender puzzled puzzle he really is. End of story.