Today, I saw Fletcher the bed bug distributing faux urban lumberjack heading to the secret saw mill off of the Newtown Creek which is really just an overpriced coffee shop with vintage typewriters so never-to-be- known temporary Nieuw Breuckelenite writers can be seen amongst each other in public. So I welded him shut inside an iron maiden with a hive of killer wasps and donated it as a sled for real Brooklyn kids to use down the hill in Owl’s Head Park. End of story.
It’s time to visit the NY Aquarium in beautiful Coney Island and bark with Arty the Seal about a woman who vomits colored milk and thinks she’s an artist for doing so. Link: Daily Mail – Vomit “Artist”.
Everything is ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART nowadays. This is not ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART you talentless try-hard! You are the most insignificant, worthless, wanna-be artist to hit the scene since the beginning of the Brooklyn hipster infestation. You are not “pushing boundaries” or “cutting edge” - you are simply doing what it appears you are doing: vomiting milk. You are making patterns on a canvas that any 2 year old, monkey or human, can do by just spitting the milk directly from your mouth; or even pouring it right out of the glass; OR EVEN USING REAL FUCKING PAINT YOU FUCKING ATTENTION-STARVED BITCH! But noooooo – you must vomit it for the LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE factor! I fucking hate people like you that get their 15 minutes for doing absolutely nothing. You are simply just another turd in the long line of turds that claim “anything can be art”. People like you are dumbing art down to dirt. I can just imagine a room full of wine and cheese poseurs watching you “perform” your talentless act of vomiting; all pretending to be part of some intellectual gathering of some sort – but all are actually complete nobodies trying to fool the person next to them. What a sick bunch of try-hards.
Today, as Ironic Ian’s head was about to split open from my 10th consecutive DDT to the cold hard sidewalk, I saw Tristan the apron-clad, wax moustached, Northwest Bushwick cheese consultant heading to Ye Olde Shoppe to test the vintage scale he made at adult craft class. So I rammed a funnel in his mouth; poured a gallon of Liquid Drano down it and watched him shit his intestines into his teenage girls jeans. End of story.
Well look who it is! It’s Zany Zane the filthy fucking beardo doing Honda commercials. Oh the irony! I can only imagine how many pseudo-serious beard stroking moments Zany Zane had - talking about reducing carbon footprints and going green, etc, etc, with other phony environmentalist hipster try-hard scumbag motherfuckers. But now he’s zooming away in a fossil fuel burning machine because money talks.
His line, at 00:53 is: “What about being accepted for who you are?” Awwwww, poor wittle Zany Zane. Is that what Mommy still tells you about your decision to have a flea circus under your chin? Yeah Zane, you’re so unique aren’t you? You grew an attention beard.
Here he is in another one where he says “[Today is] pretty great!” I love how the caption on the bottom says DO NOT ATTEMPT. Oh you’re such a daring stunt man Zane. Or maybe it’s a warning that means “DO NOT ATTEMPT to be a filthy ramen beard bowl hipster try-hard”. It’s really too bad a truck didn’t side swipe his disgusting bearded fucking face at that moment. Stay Zany, Zane! Don’t give up the fight; a true try-hard never stops saying LOOOOOK AT MEEEEEE!
Look at this whiny, Q-tip limbed, entitled cyclist fuck with his standard-issue hipster beard & thick frames. Nobody will ever know, but I’m sure prior to the confrontation he was probably doing something to taunt and provoke the driver; trying to prove that cyclists should have more rights than cars. I can’t help laughing when reading this part of the article:
“He was making threats at me at this point in time, indicating that he had martial arts experience and could take me down,” says Hoey.”He did pull my hand into the car. I managed to free it, and in freeing it pulled some papers out from his passenger side seat and threw them on the sidewalk.”
Hoey said the motorist then tried to drive his vehicle into him, before getting out of his car and twisting Hoey’s arm behind his back.That’s when Hoey says a handful of witnesses pulled the motorist off of him, and police were called to investigate.
They call this twerp a “cyclist” but what I think he is 35 year old bike messenger who can’t do shit with his $100,000 liberal art school diploma. If you notice he has some sort of document tube sticking out his back pack and he drops his radio when the guy almost snaps his windshield wiper arm.
Even the subway beams in North Brooklyn have fucking red beards. But wait! I see an ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART opportunity here. Yes! I can just imagine some emaciated, strategically paint-stained skinny jean wearing, Banksy-worshipping, quail taco connoisseur adding a face, hat and glasses to this and posting it on their narcissist art blog – it might even make it to a NY Times Bushpointburg-obsessed article in the Arts section.
KIDULT DRINK ‘N’ DRAW DUUUUUUUDE! Let’s list the incredibly irritating amount of hipster stereotypes found in this gentrification cheerleading article - but first – check out this link to see just how fucking stupid the average Whole Foods hipster is when they are overpaying for what they think is “organic”. I’m telling you, its so easy to part these pretentious naïve interlopers from their money.
Now let’s count those hipster buzzwords:
Gowanus; art projects; band album-cover art; skateboard designs; industrial loft; Gowanus Whole Foods; five arty friends; communal tables; local beers; grass-fed burgers; [$40] pies from nearby Four & Twenty Blackbirds; a record shop; roasted coffee with origin stories; a bike-repair station; Brooklyn foodie vibe; artisanal food community; rooftop greenhouse space; drink and draw; local artist; Gowanus Canal; Kentile Floors sign; Urban Outfitters; air-chilled poultry; slow-dried whole-wheat dinosaur pasta; bronze dies cast in Brooklyn; locally made bitters; Arcade Fire; recycled record jewelry; Nathan 37; your flannel; gourmet vegan-cheese cooler; Mason jars; home pickling; stylish fedora; Zachary Conner in a knit hat and tattoos down his arms; coffee machine called the Steampunk; not here to rush in and rush out; they’re taking their time; sriracha popcorn; grocery-based dating; West Villager Josh; Urban Green Energy; The Drink and Draw crowd.
AND THE PUSSIFICATION OF BROOKLYN CONTINUES!!!