Man, oh Manischewitz. These fucking NY Times articles drive me nuts. Hipsters have now added to their list of inventions: bagels, lox, gefilte fish, herring, smoked fishes, chopped liver and pickles. (Wait, sorry, they invented pickles about 7 years ago.) Basically,they are now getting credit for “reviving” classic Jewish foods. Are you kidding me? Reviving??? When did it end? Aside from the mentioned famous Russ & Daughters on Houston in the city, there are dozens of stores through-out “actual” Brooklyn and I’m sure Queens that have never stopped selling these kinds of foods; whether they are generational family stores or stores opening by newly arrived immigrants over the last few years. The reporter for this NY Times article is a woman named Julia Moskin who according to a little Googling is a life-long New Yorker, which makes me wonder how she doesn’t know or purposely fails to acknowledge the “real” existing Jewish and Eastern European stores though-out the boros. Then again, this is the same reporter who did a live webcast interview with the “hard-core” Brooklynites, The Mast Bros about their pretentious and disgusting chocolate. I guess if the stores in question are not within a 20-block radius of the Bedford Ave L Train station, or in the New LES, they aren’t worth mentioning. But then again, as usual, after I rant about stuff like this, I say to myself “it’s probably a good thing that there isn’t a focus on real Brooklyn”.
Today, I saw Beckett, who in just six months transformed himself from a Minnesotan Walmart parking lot shopping wagon stacker to an emaciated, red bearded, Bushwick DIY blacksmith. So I handcuffed his windshield wiper arms with an onion ring and suplexed him into his vintage sword making kiln. End of story.
No gloves; no beard nets; no hair nets; no health department inspection or grade for this “business” – yet hipster fucks are having a quirky old time with a little bit of “LOOOOK AT MEEEE” thrown into the mix as they catch grilled cheese sandwiches thrown at them off of buildings during their NYC playcations. And after paying $6.00 for two slices of bread with cheese that has sailed through NYC’s “clean air” and grazed along the side of a building that has never been cleaned in 100 years, made by a bunch of kidults with practically no ‘real’ overhead – they even ask you to return the flimsy parachute!!! Why should I? What if I want to slowly sail an M-80 down onto a hipster’s fedora later that day? When will all these attention-starved, subsidized, try-hards just leave us alone? When?
Look who’s back and more disgusting than ever – Zany Zane the filthy, infinite leisure time beardo!!! This time, his latest contribution to society is the FUNnel BEERd – so creative. Zane, what’s it like to do nothing all day but play with your facial flea circus? Eh, don’t answer that Zane; I know your answer would be full of hipster snark like “It feels great dayuuuuude!!!”
Today, I saw Buchanan the beta-male heading from his job as a part-time cacao bean sorter at Mast Bros. gentrification chocolate factory to a ‘silent dinner’ at a progressive conceptual fusion restaurant in Lower West Upper Mid Central East Bushwick, dressed as an 1863 confederate soldier. So I had no other option but to bludgeon him with a croquet mallet and fire Buchanan out of a Civil War-era cannon into the side of an out-of-place new condo building that was built between a poultry slaughter house and an auto body shop. End of story.
Art Trucks - ART ART ART ART ART!!! Now in trucks! Food trucks! Art trucks! Keep Williamsburg weird duuuuuuuuuude!!!
Matthew Silver’s acting debut - Here we get to see why Matthew Silver had to choose his profession of “pretending” to be a mentally disturbed person and yelling in the streets wearing a soiled Speedo over acting, producing and directing. I warn you, this is one of the most painful videos you’ll ever see in your life so go directly to 2:30 to see Matthew’s brilliant work. This was filmed in suburban NJ where Matthew grew up before coming to the “thriving and vibrant art community” of Brooklyn.
“Brooklyn Based” Butcher Blocks – Now you can be a traditional and authentic “Brooklyn” butcher for around $125 – $325. Comes with i-Pad holder!!!
Camp Rockaway – Come to Camp Rockaway and be an eternal kidult! With the help of your donations, in 2015 there will be a place for hipsters to play all day on the beach, eat vegan tacos, and finally sleep in a tent as normal New Yorkers are working and struggling to remain in the city they grew up in. Please donate to their Kickstarter and help sterilize this city and further turn it into a theme park for transient hipsters.
Cereal Café of London – London’s answer to the Mast Bros. of Brooklyn (actually Minnesota) is the Keery Bros. who plan on opening a cereal café for the adult toddlers of Britain. Can you imagine a place full of bearded trustfunded try-hards all eating cereal like fucking children and discussing obscure films and horrific art while getting milk and Fruity Pebbles stuck in their smelly beards? I think that’s called ‘paradise’ in their world.
Today, I saw Logan the bearded Gowanus Canal buoy art designer waiting for the [G]entrification train to take him back to his $3250 Greenpoint studio. So I picked up his A-1 Steak Sauce bottle physique; flipped him upside down; shook out all his Daddys credit cards; went to Modells and bought a lifetime’s supply of Louisville Sluggers to beat hipsters with. End of story.
THE URBAN COWBOY, WILLIAMSBURG –
Like, yah. I mean – LIKE, YEEEEEEEEE HAWWWWWW DUUUUUUDE!!!! That’s right partner! What’s that you say? You can’t afford a trip to Texas but you can somehow afford to move to Nieuw Breuckelen and pay some of the highest prices on Earth from coffee to rent? Well we’ve got the place for you to act like a pioneering prick you fucking kidult piece of shit. Yep, stay at the Urban Cowboy in Williamsburg and pay $200 – $300 a night – just like the cowboys with spurs and 10-gallon hats did in Wild West Williamsburg 150 years ago. Here is what the owner, “Lyon” from you guessed it, Ohio, has to say about his hip hotel.
“The Wythe Hotel is Vegas. It’s an amusement park,” said Lyon of the trendy spot a 15-minute walk toward the Williamsburg waterfront. “I’m not a hater — I love that place — but this is a neighborhood.” Originally from Shaker Heights, near Cleveland, he first moved to Brooklyn around 2001. “The L train didn’t work on the weekends, there were no condos, there were prostitutes and heroin on Kent Avenue,” Lyon recalled. “It was the Wild West out here — pun intended.”
Now people want a different kind of “authentic” experience. “Williamsburg is the coolest place in the western hemisphere,” he said. “You’re choosing to stay in Williamsburg, you’re kind of an interesting person.”
THE HOSTILE HOSTEL, Rockaways – Now here we have Laura Jones who at age 30 has lived all over the world (thanks to you know who) and even opened her first hostel in Puerto Rico last year (probably thanks to you know who again). This month in the recently discovered, hipster-infested Rockaway, Queens, she opened a “domestic abuse, guns & gang violence, and drug-themed” hostel for this summer’s herd of nasally transients to rent rooms after soaking up some mid-week, mid-work day rays into their glow-in-the-sun skeletal bodies. So she thought it would be kewel and fun to mock real urban problems with suite names like “Domestic Violence Bungalow”; “The Whore House”; and “The Crackhouse”. But after community opposition from REAL NEW YORKERS and negative media attention, poor wittle Wauwa was forced to change those names and some of the offensive decor she had going on in her cute little summer urban project. As I type this, her website http://www.thehostilehostel.com/ is down.
Royal Palms Shuffle Board Club, Gowanus - Last but not least, you can now also pretend to be a 75 year old retired old person who moved to Florida – BUT YOU CAN DO IT IN BROOOOOOOOKLYN IN YOUR 20’s, 30’s and 40’s DAYUUUUUUUUDE! Yes! Nestled near the toxic Gowanus Canal, the Royal Palms Shuffle Board Club offers: affordable $40 per hour shuffle boarding, $11 cocktails and $14 dollar lobster rolls. So start shuffling; it’s sooooooo authentic Brooklyn!
Check out this affordable working class neighborhood popcorn in Greenpoint. Only $4.49 for 8oz! Scoreeeeeeee deeeeeeed! Because it’s Born in Brooklyn! I think there’s a warning label on the back the says “CAUTION: BEND KNEES WHILE LIFTING; TWO PERSONS SHOULD CARRY UP STAIRS TO OVERPRICED GENTRIFICATION STUDIO” – knowing that some fly-weight fauxemian will end up buying this.