A long, long four years ago, Catey Shaw moved to Brooklyn from Virginia. The rest is history. She came to do something zany and out-of-the-box that many young people rarely try these days: go to art school. Well, after 4 back breaking years in the ‘hood – filled with boutiques, pretentious fusion food, and $7.00 lattes – she’s decided to release a song that encompasses the life and struggles of what she and so many of her glow-in-the-sun, faux-artsy, nasally uptick-voiced, parentally-subsidized friends are, called: “Brooklyn Girls”. This is a smack in the face to the HBO show “Girls” which really describes what real Brooklyn girls are all about.
Thanks for keeping it real Catey; when this video goes global, the world will finally see what ALL of Brooklyn is like: street art, L train rides, and paid black female extras that dance and sing on the stoops of $2000 1-bedroom apartment buildings with white art school girls. BK ALL DAY BABY!
Here are the lyrics:
When they walk in, they rule the world
Tough and pretty, break the rules
Brooklyn girls (x 4)
Jay-Z bumps in our headphones
Drinks on top of the brownstones
Get it on in the bathroom stall
Sunset girls acting prissy
Won’t get far in the city
We will freeze up your popsicle
‘Cuz we play rough and gritty
They all wanna catch our kitty
And there’s no use denyin’
That tonight we run the island
Wait for the L train
Bedford to Broadway…
This is from exactly a year ago but I never saw it and it was just emailed to me. Check out this mismatched, multi-colored, attention-needing beardo getting tripped by a spectator as he tried to run along side a cyclist during the Tour de France. It’s safe to say he got his much needed attention. Hysterical.
Hipsters are now putting flowers in their hipster beards. Ok, this is straight up gay. And I’m not knocking gays; I’m knocking straight males who aren’t acting like men but rather like soft pussies and emasculating society. I know gay men who are 20 X manlier than the average hipster. But I guess when you don’t actually work – having a messy beard, sleeve and neck tattoos, and wear costumes – you have time to insert fucking flowers into your facial flea circus and be an attention-starved pussy searching for ‘looks’ from the general public. The only upside to this latest “LOOK AT ME” trend is that a swarm of pollinating bees might attack one of these Logans’ or Calebs’ faces.
All the recent storms and rain reminded me of these video from a few years back – The Brooklyn Tornado Dayuuuudes. It’s quite clear these playcationing cockrags were exported from their suburban college campuses and shipped directly into their new parentally paid for Brooklyn apartments. I still wonder why they’re so shocked to see severe weather; isn’t this pretty normal in the Midwest? Like, like, like deeeeeeeeeed! Like Oh my God deeeeeeed! Holy shit deeeeeeeeed!
Today, I saw 37 year old, quirky Quaid feeding quinoa to his urban quails. So I shot a flaming arrow into his fruit roll up neck which ignited his Merlin the Magician beard which incinerated his ugly, smug, vapid gentrification face. End of story.
Today, I saw Bryce and Caleb flailing their Ally McBeal arms and drowning in toxic fecal sludge after their canoe tipped over in the Gowanus Canal during their mid-week mid-work day paddling session. So I yelled “hold on guys, I’ll get help!” as I jumped in my car and drove away to L & B Pizzeria in real Brooklyn and enjoyed a couple of the best squares on earth. End of story.
Meet, you guessed it – Zack! From, you guessed it – Ohio! Because it’s a myth that people with names like Zack, Caleb, Logan, and Mason come to Brooklyn from places like Ohio, Wisconsin, and Michigan for zany gentrification fun. Yeah, I was just making that up all these years. Anyway as I type this, he has collected over $16,000 on Kickstarter, with 25 fucking days to go, to make potato salad but all he asked for was $10. The tech website C-NET and a local news station somehow found out about what they probably thought was a joke and posted it and it went viral with douchebags who pledged money calling this “epic’ and “legendary”. Look at Zack now: looks pretty normal and non-hipsterish if you ask me. But you just wait. I’d say there is about a 70% chance Zacky comes to the Holy Land of Bushpointburg to open an artisanal specialty potato salad shop – (probably with a quirky name like: P.S. I Love You) and transforms himself into an overly-tattooed, rolled-up jeans wearing, Cap’n Crunch moustached hipster fuck. Bets anyone? Bets?
Yes folks. The pseudo-eccentric, attention-starved hipster Matthew Silver – who is worth less than the sidewalk gum he performs on – is back. Instead of staying across the street at his usual spot where he displays his ability to do absolutely nothing, he ran into Whole Foods and Forever 21 in Union Square to unleash his amazing power of “spreading love” on people just trying to get through their day of work or shopping. My God, what an annoying, tired, boring, try-hard. Matthew, just give it up; take a shower and shave and go to work. You need to stop thinking you are going to go down in NYC History as some unforgettable act that helped change society. Grow the fuck up already.
Next some other “artist” tried to pass off renting a prison style room on AirBnb which they did not allow him to list. But guess who saw this as another LOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEEE opportunity? Yep – Matthew Silver! ART ART ART!!!
Finally the GOOD NEWS: Someone sent me this from Matthew’s Facebook page. Matthew got booed by the whole audience and rejected on America’s Got Talent. He gets XXX’d out by all the celebrity judges including Howard Stern who also told Matthew he is wasting taxpayer money after Matthew admitted he received a grant. Can you believe this pretend-zany space waster got a grant for what he does??? How many “kids” out there with real talent could actually use a grant and this smelly fuck gets one? So there you have it – proof that Matthew Silver has GOT NO TALENT and now we know how this talentless hipster makes money: parents and taxpayers. (Click on picture to enlarge)