Brooklyn, get ready for a new hipster invention: Potato Salad!

zackdangerMeet, you guessed it – Zack! From, you guessed it – Ohio! Because it’s a myth that people with names like Zack, Caleb, Logan, and Mason come to Brooklyn from places like Ohio, Wisconsin, and Michigan for zany gentrification fun. Yeah, I was just making that up all these years. Anyway as I type this, he has collected over $16,000 on Kickstarter, with 25 fucking days to go,  to make potato salad but all he asked for was $10. The tech website C-NET and a local news station somehow found out about what they probably thought was a joke and posted it and it went viral with douchebags who pledged money calling this “epic’ and “legendary”. Look at Zack now: looks pretty normal and non-hipsterish if you ask me. But you just wait. I’d say there is about a 70% chance Zacky comes to the Holy Land of Bushpointburg to open an artisanal specialty potato salad shop – (probably with a quirky name like: P.S. I Love You) and transforms himself into an overly-tattooed, rolled-up jeans wearing, Cap’n Crunch moustached hipster fuck. Bets anyone? Bets?

 

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More “ART” from Matthew Silver. (Plus bonus rejection)

Yes folks. The pseudo-eccentric, attention-starved hipster Matthew Silver – who is worth less than the sidewalk gum he performs on – is back. Instead of staying across the street at his usual spot where he displays his ability to do absolutely nothing, he ran into Whole Foods and Forever 21 in Union Square to unleash his amazing power of “spreading love” on people just trying to get through their day of work or shopping. My God, what an annoying, tired, boring, try-hard. Matthew, just give it up; take a shower and shave and go to work. You need to stop thinking you are going to go down in NYC History as some unforgettable act that helped change society. Grow the fuck up already.

 

Next some other “artist” tried to pass off renting a prison style room on AirBnb which they did not allow him to list. But guess who saw this as another LOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEEE opportunity? Yep – Matthew Silver! ART ART ART!!!

Link: Brooklyn Paper – Miao Jiaxin rents cage to Matthew Silver after Airbnb bails

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Finally the GOOD NEWS: Someone sent me this from Matthew’s Facebook page. Matthew got booed by the whole audience and rejected on America’s Got Talent. He gets XXX’d out by all the celebrity judges including Howard Stern who also told Matthew he is wasting taxpayer money after Matthew admitted he received a grant. Can you believe this pretend-zany space waster got a grant for what he does??? How many “kids” out there with real talent could actually use a grant and this smelly fuck gets one? So there you have it – proof that Matthew Silver has GOT NO TALENT and now we know how this talentless hipster makes money: parents and taxpayers. (Click on picture to enlarge)

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Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Harrison the bearded, dog erection-armed “creative assistant” setting up his flea market table to sell lensless monocles for $125 each to other transplanted, parentally subsidized, Brooklyn-ruining hipster fucks. So I filled a pillow case with local, sustainable bocce balls and beat him into a coma. End of story.

This week’s “LOOOOOK AT MEEEEEE!!!” Awards: Dumpster Dining

This week’s “LOOOOK AT MEEEEEE” Awards go to a species of hipsters that’s been familiar to this site over the years: The Dumpster Diver Hipsters. Yes, these kind of hipsters live in gentrified $2400 – $4800 apartments; own plenty of the latest Apple products; own $1100 bicycles – all usually thanks to their parents – YET, they love to hang out near or inside of dumpsters and especially eat the food from them. Here’s an article and picture from Grub Street about a “Brooklyn-Based” (damn, I hate that word) Supper Club. Just look at those fucking attention-starved transplanted “foodies”. This was supposed to be a fund-raiser for some “cause”. I guarantee that “cause” was nothing more than some other meaningless, selfish hipster charity. In the end, it’s always about trying to show that “they can be poor and under-privileged too – when they want to be“.

Link: Grub Street – Hipsters get needed attention by dining in a dumpster.

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Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Quaid, the red bearded pussification pioneer exploring Sunset Park and Bay Ridge to open up a peanut butter and jelly taco cafe to help lure in more fly swatter shaped fauxhemian transplants and “make things better” for us here in still-normal Brooklyn. So I dipped into my 4th of July fireworks stash and tied a case of whistling bottle rockets around his waist and launched him back to his cul-de-sac in Wisconsin. End of story.

In South Africa, the hipster hate is VERY strong.

A South African beer company has started an anti-hipster ad campaign to promote its beer. Ok so the jokes aren’t anything new but still – it’s good to see a corporation not jumping on the bandwagon to sell to hipsters like so many cellphone, liquor, car, and fast food companies do. Or, is this some genius reverse-psychology ad campaign to get these fucking sheep to drink that beer? Maybe! Let’s hope it really is true hate though, but I can actually picture two scenarios where hipsters actually would drink this:

Link: AdWeek.com – South African Brewer Declares War On Hipsters.

 

1. Hayden (32, wearing jeans that Mick Jagger couldn’t even fit into, with a Duck Dynasty beard, Henry Kissinger thick framed glasses, and his grandfather’s 1949 Wisconsin High School tetherball team gym shirt) says: Yaaaa deeeeed, look at this beer company’s ads. I fucking hate hipsters too; they’re ruining it for everyone, everywhere. I am totally drinking this in support.

2. Hayden (same age and dressed same way): Deeeeed, I fucking hate the word hipster – what the fuck is a hipster maaaaan? It’s a made up word for people that don’t know how to have fun and stay ahead of the music and fashion curve. Yaahahahaha, let’s just drink it ironically and see what people say maaaaan. I totally want to be seen with this and be called a hipster – what the fuck is a hipster maaaaan.

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Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Ward accidentally light his Salvador Dali moustache on fire as he lit his vintage 19th century Sherlock Holmes pipe that he bought for a mere $400 at the weekly played-out hipster taco and T-shirt flea market. So I quickly ran over with a fire extinguisher and slammed it over his fucking head. End of story.

Here’s a great e-mail.

This was sent to me the other day and made me laugh:

Hey,

Been reading your site for years.  I’m a native sick and tired of watching my neighborhood go to shit due to these entitled yuppie fucktwats. The other day I saw some Caleb-looking motherfucker wearing one of those Ohio ‘Home’ t-shirts and decided to make my own.

Had a few printed and would be glad to send you one.

Cheers,

CF

fuckohio

 

 

Massive Brooklyn Kidult Pizza Party!

So apparently June 11th was national pizza day or the birthday of pizza or something like that. Now had I known – yeah – maybe I’d purposely go to one of my favorite pizza joints like L&B in Brooklyn or NY Pizza Suprema on 8th Ave by the Garden solely because it was pizza recognition day. Or maybe even have a little pizza get together over somebodies house with a bunch of people, but probably not even that. BUT NOOO! NOT THESE KIDULTS! They have to:

Rent a warehouse and invite a 1000 Calebs and Felicitys; get a sponsor for the beer and pizza; assemble an entire team of do-nothing, funemployed dirt-bombs to create a master plan to order from EVERY PIZZERIA in Manhattan; don’t forget the ART ART ART ART ART (painting with tomato sauce, sculpting with pizza boxes, playing pizza nursery rhymes on a guitar); and of course – FILM IT ALLLLLLL FOR THE LOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEE FACTOR!!!!! YAAAAAAAY!!! WE DID ITTTTT!!!!

My favorite part is when these transplanted, privileged, mid to upper middle class, playcationing adults, living in the most expensive parts of NYC give SOME of the fresh pizza and especially all the leftovers to poor, hungry or homeless people. That was my favorite part by far. Just kidding; you won’t see that.

Oh, and the pseudo-circus ringmaster/wannabe Paul McCartney Sgt. Pepper moustached guy running the show might look familiar to you. That’s because he was behind another out-of-place, attention-starved hipster event that I posted here a while back: The 6-course L Train luncheon which is probably even more irritating than this pizza party.

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