Zany Zane’s new BEERd FUNnel. Get it? Get it?

Look who’s back and more disgusting than ever – Zany Zane the filthy, infinite leisure time beardo!!! This time, his latest contribution to society is the FUNnel BEERd – so creative. Zane, what’s it like to do nothing all day but play with your facial flea circus? Eh, don’t answer that Zane; I know your answer would be full of hipster snark like “It feels great dayuuuuude!!!”

 

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Buchanan the beta-male heading from his job as a part-time cacao bean sorter at Mast Bros. gentrification chocolate factory to a ‘silent dinner’ at a progressive conceptual fusion restaurant in Lower West Upper Mid Central East Bushwick, dressed as an 1863 confederate soldier. So I had no other option but to bludgeon him with a croquet mallet and fire Buchanan out of a Civil War-era cannon into the side of an out-of-place new condo building that was built between a poultry slaughter house and an auto body shop. End of story.

End of the week linkage.

Art Trucks - ART ART ART ART ART!!! Now in trucks! Food trucks! Art trucks! Keep Williamsburg weird duuuuuuuuuude!!!

matt-silver-1Matthew Silver’s acting debut - Here we get to see why Matthew Silver had to choose his profession of “pretending” to be a mentally disturbed person and yelling in the streets wearing a soiled Speedo over acting, producing and directing. I warn you, this is one of the most painful videos you’ll ever see in your life so go directly to 2:30 to see Matthew’s brilliant work. This was filmed in suburban NJ where Matthew grew up before coming to the “thriving and vibrant art community” of Brooklyn.

“Brooklyn Based” Butcher Blocks – Now you can be a traditional and authentic “Brooklyn” butcher for around $125 – $325. Comes with i-Pad holder!!!

Camp Rockaway – Come to Camp Rockaway and be an eternal kidult! With the help of your donations, in 2015 there will be a place for hipsters to play all day on the beach, eat vegan tacos, and finally sleep in a tent as normal New Yorkers are working and struggling to remain in the city they grew up in. Please donate to their Kickstarter and help sterilize this city and further turn it into a theme park for transient hipsters.

Cereal Café of London – London’s answer to the Mast Bros. of Brooklyn (actually Minnesota) is the Keery Bros. who plan on opening a cereal café for the adult toddlers of Britain. Can you imagine a place full of bearded trustfunded try-hards all eating cereal like fucking children and discussing obscure films and horrific art while getting milk and Fruity Pebbles stuck in their smelly beards? I think that’s called ‘paradise’ in their world.

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Logan the bearded  Gowanus Canal buoy art designer waiting for the [G]entrification train to take him back to his $3250 Greenpoint studio. So I picked up his A-1 Steak Sauce bottle physique; flipped him upside down; shook out all his Daddys credit cards; went to Modells and bought a lifetime’s supply of Louisville Sluggers to beat hipsters with. End of story. 

The NYC Hipster Theme Park Is Growing!

THE URBAN COWBOY, WILLIAMSBURGLike, yah. I mean – LIKE, YEEEEEEEEE HAWWWWWW DUUUUUUDE!!!! That’s right partner! What’s that you say? You can’t afford a trip to Texas but you can somehow afford to move to Nieuw Breuckelen and pay some of the highest prices on Earth from coffee to rent? Well we’ve got the place for you to act like a pioneering prick you fucking kidult piece of shit. Yep, stay at the Urban Cowboy in Williamsburg and pay $200 – $300 a night  - just like the cowboys with spurs and 10-gallon hats did in Wild West Williamsburg 150 years ago. Here is what the owner, “Lyon” from you guessed it, Ohio, has to say about his hip hotel.

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“The Wythe Hotel is Vegas. It’s an amusement park,” said Lyon of the trendy spot a 15-minute walk toward the Williamsburg waterfront. “I’m not a hater — I love that place — but this is a neighborhood.” Originally from Shaker Heights, near Cleveland, he first moved to Brooklyn around 2001. “The L train didn’t work on the weekends, there were no condos, there were prostitutes and heroin on Kent Avenue,” Lyon recalled. “It was the Wild West out here — pun intended.”

Now people want a different kind of “authentic” experience. “Williamsburg is the coolest place in the western hemisphere,” he said. “You’re choosing to stay in Williamsburg, you’re kind of an interesting person.”

hostilehostelTHE HOSTILE HOSTEL, Rockaways - Now here we have Laura Jones who at age 30 has lived all over the world (thanks to you know who) and even opened her first hostel in Puerto Rico last year (probably thanks to you know who again). This month in the recently discovered, hipster-infested Rockaway, Queens, she opened a “domestic abuse, guns & gang violence, and drug-themed” hostel for this summer’s herd of nasally transients to rent rooms after soaking up some mid-week, mid-work day rays into their glow-in-the-sun skeletal bodies. So she thought it would be kewel and fun to mock real urban problems with suite names like “Domestic Violence Bungalow”; “The Whore House”; and “The Crackhouse”. But after community opposition from REAL NEW YORKERS and negative media attention, poor wittle Wauwa was forced to change those names and some of the offensive decor she had going on in her cute little summer urban project. As I type this, her website http://www.thehostilehostel.com/ is down.

Royal Palms Shuffle Board Club, Gowanus - Last but not least, you can now also pretend to be a 75 year old retired old person who moved to Florida – BUT YOU CAN DO IT IN BROOOOOOOOKLYN IN YOUR 20′s, 30′s and 40′s DAYUUUUUUUUDE! Yes! Nestled near the toxic Gowanus Canal, the Royal Palms Shuffle Board Club offers: affordable $40 per hour shuffle boarding, $11 cocktails and $14 dollar lobster rolls. So start shuffling; it’s sooooooo authentic Brooklyn!

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Deals in Greenpoint: “Born in Brooklyn Popcorn” – 8oz. Only $4.49!!!

Check out this affordable working class neighborhood popcorn in Greenpoint. Only $4.49 for 8oz! Scoreeeeeeee deeeeeeed! Because it’s Born in Brooklyn! I think there’s a warning label on the back the says “CAUTION: BEND KNEES WHILE LIFTING; TWO PERSONS SHOULD CARRY UP STAIRS TO OVERPRICED GENTRIFICATION STUDIO” – knowing that some fly-weight fauxemian will end up buying this.

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The truth about hipster food trucks.

foodtruckLooks like the cats out the bag on hipsters and their kidult lemonade stands artisanal food trucks. Most are either barely breaking even, losing money, or closing up. But is this really a surprise? Pretty much all hipster businesses fail because these are some of the most spoiled, lazy, privileged people on earth. The reason these food trucks can even last a couple of years is because no matter how little they make, the hipsters can always call back home to Michigan or Connecticut or New Hampshire or Ohio and have their bills and rent paid in Bushpointburg while they continue their LOOOOOK AT MEEEEEE lifestyles selling pulled pork popsicles, fried mac ‘n’ breastmilk cheese, and pesto-infused ice cream out of their Scooby-Doo vans while dressed like a British Royal Guard with a Bill the Butcher moustache in Converse sneakers. I’m so glad these fake fucking “foodies” are failing. Remember when all there was were your typical coffee and bagel carts; your dirty water dog and pretzel cart; and then finally the halal and street meat carts. Those were all cheap enough and good enough. And then: Zane, Harrison, Morgan, Megan, Ulysses, Walker, Baker, Zooey, Summer, Reid, Penelope, Hayden, Tristan, and Brent start popping up with $14 lobster roll trucks; fluorescent pink trucks selling $5 cupcakes and ice cream cups; “authentic” kale and fish taco trucks run by some eggshell toned beardo from some farm in Iowa. GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!

Link: Gothamist – Food Trucks hit hard times.

Wanted: Dead NOT Alive, by Bon Tobi

We're all the same, only our home states change
Everyday, we're wasting Brooklyn space
We're out-of-place, our Converses grow mold
Our rent is paid, from Mom back home


I'm a soyboy, on a long board I ride
I'm wanted dead NOT alive
Wanted dead NOT alive

Sometimes I sleep, until noon on a Tuesday
And the natives I meet always try to punch me in my face
Sometimes I start my the day, with a $10 coffee drink
I can get parental loans, in the matter of a blink
I'm a soyboy, on a long board I ride
I'm wanted dead NOT alive
Wanted dead NOT alive

I skate these streets, with a banjo on my back
I play for other sheep, 'cause I'm a talentless hack
I'm hated everywhere, I think I'm Andy Warhol
I've drank a million cases, of PBR during kickball

I'm a soyboy, on a long board I ride
I'm wanted dead NOT alive
I'm a soyboy, I got a knife in my side
I'm wanted dead NOT alive
I can't hide, dead NOT alive
I still drive - the rents high, dead NOT alive
Dead NOT alive [x4]
 
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