Watch as this prick transforms himself into the Pringles Man. LOOOOOOK ATTTTT MEEEEEEEE! Remember to buy your old-timey moustache wax for Christmas!
Today, I saw Colby, 28 and Tanner, 30 having a gentrification play-date sleepover on the rooftop of their $2500 studio they scored in Bed-Stuy. So I pissed on their virtual campfire i-Phone app; zipped them up in their free-trade biodegradable sleeping bags and beat them unconscious with a Direct TV satellite dish. End of story.
It’s been brought to my attention that one of the 198,244 unique, local, sustainable artists of Bushpointburg has a must-have item up for sale on Craigslist - a true piece of carefully hand-crafted art/furniture for your overpriced ”kewel zip-code” apartment. It’s a ladder with two board. Like, yah.
Did I mention it’s “upcycled”?? What the fuck is upcycled? It’s just another catch-phrase made by the hipster crowd of transient kale eating fucks to make their meaningless art and hobbies sound better. Upcycled is simply another word for “made”. God I hate these people. I think I’m going to respond to this parentally funded artisté and tell him I need this delivered to me at the Coney Island projects tonight at 1 am.
As I was scrolling through this list of “Only Famous in New York” people, I was praying that Matthew Silver the fraudulent, wanna-be loony person would not show up – and he didn’t. Why? Because like I said he’s a fucking fraud – a transient hipster piece of attention-starved shit. Sorry Matthew, I guess you’ll have to keep screaming in Union Square in your soiled green Speedo waving a rubber chicken around for another decade before you get “noticed”. Get a job. Oh, and I know you are reading this and very upset you didn’t make the list. I know this would have been a milestone in your amazing career. You are nothing but another try-hard hipster in a long line of try-hard hipsters who are taking up precious space in Brooklyn.
Recently I posted about a woman who literally dropped everything and moved to France on a kale crusade. I really don’t have the energy to rant about this one – so just read this N.Y. Times piece about hipsters ruining Paris. What can’t these bastards ruin? When will it end?
Today, as I was pissing on an urban, sustainable, hipster radish garden in Nieuw Bozwik, I saw Baker typing up a raving Yelp review of a tofurkey panini he had at Sawyer’s “Real NY” Deli that still has the ‘Hector’s Auto Repair Shop’ sign in front. So I dragged him by his windshield wiper arms to an A & S Pork Store in actual Brooklyn and ran his bearded Spin Doctor face through the cold cut slicer. End of story.