Here’s a great e-mail.

This was sent to me the other day and made me laugh:

Hey,

Been reading your site for years.  I’m a native sick and tired of watching my neighborhood go to shit due to these entitled yuppie fucktwats. The other day I saw some Caleb-looking motherfucker wearing one of those Ohio ‘Home’ t-shirts and decided to make my own.

Had a few printed and would be glad to send you one.

Cheers,

CF

fuckohio

 

 

Massive Brooklyn Kidult Pizza Party!

So apparently June 11th was national pizza day or the birthday of pizza or something like that. Now had I known – yeah – maybe I’d purposely go to one of my favorite pizza joints like L&B in Brooklyn or NY Pizza Suprema on 8th Ave by the Garden solely because it was pizza recognition day. Or maybe even have a little pizza get together over somebodies house with a bunch of people, but probably not even that. BUT NOOO! NOT THESE KIDULTS! They have to:

Rent a warehouse and invite a 1000 Calebs and Felicitys; get a sponsor for the beer and pizza; assemble an entire team of do-nothing, funemployed dirt-bombs to create a master plan to order from EVERY PIZZERIA in Manhattan; don’t forget the ART ART ART ART ART (painting with tomato sauce, sculpting with pizza boxes, playing pizza nursery rhymes on a guitar); and of course – FILM IT ALLLLLLL FOR THE LOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEE FACTOR!!!!! YAAAAAAAY!!! WE DID ITTTTT!!!!

My favorite part is when these transplanted, privileged, mid to upper middle class, playcationing adults, living in the most expensive parts of NYC give SOME of the fresh pizza and especially all the leftovers to poor, hungry or homeless people. That was my favorite part by far. Just kidding; you won’t see that.

Oh, and the pseudo-circus ringmaster/wannabe Paul McCartney Sgt. Pepper moustached guy running the show might look familiar to you. That’s because he was behind another out-of-place, attention-starved hipster event that I posted here a while back: The 6-course L Train luncheon which is probably even more irritating than this pizza party.

The Brooklyn Flag Contest

A website called www.uncommongoods.com is holding a Brooklyn Flag Design Contest where you can design a flag for your particular neighborhood. I can only imagine what kind of flags the parentally subsidized fly-over state fauxhemian “art” crowd in fake Brooklyn are going to design. I can see it now:

Upper Mid Greenpoint Heights – represented by a steaming small-batch-anti-corporation-support-your-local-coffee-shop $10 latte with the Apple logo drawn into the foam;

West Bushwick Gardens – represented by a kickball with the L Train “L” printed on it;

Lower Central South Bushwick – represented by an over-priced, beard hair laced Roberta’s pizza resting on a bed of kale;

Williamsburg “Proper” –  represented by a Penny Farthing which has it’s front wheel made out of a rare cheese.

 

Here is my simple yet informative flag design that I’m entering to represent every neighborhood in still-normal Brooklyn below Prospect Park.

OfficialSouthernBrooklynFlag

 

***And here is a bonus entry that some Ethan, Conrad or Buchannan can submit for Park Slope. This was actually sent to me by a diehipster.com reader a while back for another post but may as well be used for this contest.***

completebeardo

 

 

 

 

 

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Harrison the 34 year old, idle, coffee stirrer legged, chunky eye glass framed hipster interloper from Austin and Portland but originally from Antler County, Wisconsin who writes poetry on his Etch-a-Sketch on the Williamsburg Bridge for “urban looks”. So I tied one end of the rope I made with his iPod charger, headphones, and Converse shoelaces to the railing and the other around his Vienna Sausage neck and tossed him off, thus snapping his unwanted, transient faux-Brooklyn spine. End of story.

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, as I watched a 14 year old girl knock 35 year old Mason off his vintage Schwinn and ride off with it, I noticed him calling 911 to report it. So I put on a fake policeman’s uniform, arrived at the scene, and bashed his bearded face in with my walkie talkie which was simply a brick I painted black. End of story.

Rockaway Rappers to Hipsters: Get the fuck up out the Rock.

I like these guys; their style reminds me of early 90’s rap (although one’s name is Tristan, a name that has received numerous hipster beatings in the past – but he gets a pass this time). They are from Far Rockaway and released a song about the struggles of people in the area after Hurricane Sandy and about the influx of “contrived faux bohemia” (hipsters). My favorite line is “Gentrification really means: Get the Fuck Out! But in a nice way; isn’t this a nice day, for rich kids to come through and move in where I stay?”. I wish them success.

Link: DNAinfo.com – Rappers take on FEMA and Gentrifiers. 

 

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, as I was strolling down Bedford Ave slashing the tires of the 1000’s of illegally chained Schwinn bicycles, I decided to yell “Hey Caleb and Josh!!!”. So when 34 of them turned around at once, I flung a fresh-out-of-the-box Makita 12″ table saw blade and decapitated all of them with out injuring even one of the normal Brooklynites that were trying to navigate home to their families through the sea of lice beards, summer wool ski hats and Ray Bans. End of story.

This week’s “LOOOOK AT MEEEE” Award.

This week’s “LOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEEE” Award goes to Meghan and was sent in by contributor Eddie Going (instagram.com/EddieGoing). Now although I’ll admit this Meghan is actually pretty hot, the picture still screams: BROOKLYN IS OVER!!!. It almost looks like some dime a dozen fashion designer did a “shoot” and is going to use this as an advertisement to sell his/her “Brooklyn Based” rags – BEDFORD AVE STATION DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!! And judging by her hair color, she’s probably got some red bearded brother named Brody or Ryder not too far away selling and delivering $12 Peanut Butter and Jelly tacos by remote controlled helicopter.

LOOKATME3

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