What the fuck is happening to the male society???

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This is completely draining. It’s just far beyond sad and beyond repair – unless of course we eliminate all hipsters. Just look at this carbon copied sheep saying “I would breast feed if I could.”

You can literally take this off-the-assembly-line rent-raiser and place him in multiple settings like: behind a coffee shop counter; on stage in a dive bar behind a Casio keyboard playing in some never to be known indie band; an i-Phone commercial; etc. We’ve seriously got to take back our cities and country from these estrogenized faux-lumberjacks.

This Week’s i-Stole Report

mugger-63571228It’s been a while since I posted some North Brooklyn i-Stole reports from the Brooklyn Paper. This week had some gems of clueless culdesacians getting their shit jacked. When will they learn they aren’t in an Iowan Dairy Queen parking lot any more? Here we go:

 

A thief walked into a Bedford Avenue restaurant on March 28 and stole $20 in cash from the tip jar, police reported.

The manager of the eatery between N. Sixth and N. Seventh streets said the thief came in at 9:30 pm, grabbed the cash, and skedaddled.

The manager chased the rapscallion and caught up to him at Metropolitan and Union avenues, where the bandit flashed a knife, prompting the boss to give up his pursuit, cops said.

Like a kid stealing a cookie from the cookie jar while his Mom isn’t look; except I’m pretty sure thief looked straight into Caleb the counterboy’s face and took the money.

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A prowler crept into a N. Seventh Street home on March 28 and stole a purse off of a kitchen table while the victim was sleeping and her boyfriend was watching TV, according to cops.

The victim’s boyfriend reported he was watching television in the living room of the home between Kent and White avenues at 11 pm when he heard a noise in the kitchen.

He went to investigate and found his girlfriend’s bag — which held her hat, credit card, and books — missing.

These people fucking amaze me! Two of them home – one sleeping and the other awake watching TV with the FUCKING FRONT DOOR UNLOCKED AT 11pm!!! How stupid can you be??? Oh yeah well, look who we’re talking about.

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A pair of scoundrels stole a laptop out of Franklin Street store when the clerk was distracted on March 29, officers said.

The victim told police she was working at the store between Milton Street and Greenpoint Avenue at 9:55 am when two lowlifes came in.

While the clerk was helping someone else, the jerks grabbed the laptop off of the counter, put it in a duffel bag, and ran out, a report shows.

One Macbook – comin’ right up!

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A burglar stole $23,000 in cash out of a N. Sixth Street cash machine on March 23, according to authorities.

The manager of a business center between Berry and Wythe avenues stated that he went into work at 1 pm and found the dollar dispenser damaged and all the money gone.

Cha-ching! Homey got paid! It’s ok though – Mason’s daddy will fill that machine back up in no time straight from the Bank Of Minnesota.

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A lowlife cyclist snatched an iPhone out of a woman’s hand as she was walking down Olive Street on March 27, police said.

The 33-year-old victim said she was walking at Devoe Street at 8:45 pm when the bandit rode up behind her, grabbed the device, and kept riding.

The woman used an app to track the phone to Stagg Walk, but then the signal was lost, according to authorities.

LOL  I can just picture this Molly screeching into her iPhone back to a suburb in Cupcake County, Oregon about how great the magical land of Nieuw Breuckelen is when: Whoooosh! Vrroooooom! Later!

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Two stealth bandits walked into a fancy clothing store on Grand Street on March 28 and walked out with a number of high-end items, cops said.

The manager of the store between Roebling and Havemeyer Streets said the devious duo came in at 6:50 pm, grabbed a designer jacket and three sweaters, and left without paying. Together, the items were worth $1,021, a report shows.

Two stealth bandits??? I don’t believe you need be be stealthy at all when trying to rob these naive interlopers. Just walk in and grab what you need!

 

:::whisper::: Shh..Silent reading party dayuuuuude!!!

There was the ridiculous silent dinner last year for ‘disciplined’ hipster foodie douches; now there’s Silent Reading Parties!

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So zany, odd and quirky, maaaaaaaaan! Like, like, like let’s leave our quiet apartments to go read and not socialize in a bar! It’s like like like going to be sooooo opposite deeeeeeed! It’ll be tough and challenging but we’ve been in Brooklyn for a long 4 years and we can do this! We’re the real thing! Oh, I know what else we can do! Add a harpist!!! Nobody will out-zany us!!!!

Link: USA Today – Silent Reading Party; reading allowed, not aloud.

But why a have a silent party with other people? Why not just read quietly in a bedroom? Burns explains that her motivation was twofold: “I often wished I could marry my social life with my desire to keep reading whatever I’m reading. If it weren’t weird, I would just invite friends over to just read and drink at my house, but that never really happens.” A silent reading party is a way to have the best of both worlds—friends, and the hobby that unites them. “It removes all of the pressure of a regular party and encourages non-verbal socializing.”

HUH? Can that paragraph be any more contradicting? These interlopers just mumble anything that they think sounds ‘smart’ but when you actually break it down they sound like complete attention starved phony fucks. They sit around and simply try to think of things that “have never been done” for the sake of it – no matter how childish or impractical. And that’s the true definition of try-hard, kidult, rent-raising, Brooklyn-ruining hipster.

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Terrence and Beckett; the Hatfield and McCoy re-enacting, trust-funded beardos from Ohiasottasconsin waving their smelly hipster feet in the air as they were putting together their $80-a-jar of local Zebra urine brined pickles business plan to sell out of an abandoned zipper manufacturing factory on an unnamed street in Bushwick. So I put more pine tar on my Louisville Slugger than George Brett did in his entire career and beat them so hard that when the ambulance arrived, it looked like two eggplant parm heros were being carried out on stretchers. End of story.

barefoothipster

Yarn Bombing? Get the fuck outta here.

Watch as “London” who is somehow able to survive in the most expensive place on earth as a “crochet artist” uses her infinite leisure time to “yarn bomb” her favorite train – the L. People are bustling around, trying to go home or work and London is just silently yelling LOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEE on her whimsical Brooklyn playdate. Yes, this is what Culdesacian hipsters do with their $100,000 art school educations. Notice how she says she made all those pieces for other uses like hats and scarfs but never ended up using them yet they are all exact perfect fit for a train pole? Yeah, she didn’t premeditate this AT ALL. And if we all close our eyes and focus all our energy really hard - then it will rain cupcakes and magical rainbows and unicorns will appear too! Hooray for London!!! She made it to Nieuw Breuckelen!!!!