Not only are hipsters gentrifiers, rent raisers, interlopers, transients, homogenizers and pussifiers – they are now wanna-be terrorists. Atleast that’s what I’m gathering from today’s NY Post cover – unless its the Post telling hipsters to surrender to real NYers and get the fuck out of our city already. I dare the beardos that they possibly catch to say this was ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART.
Today, I saw Buchanan riding his penny farthing along the Coney Island boardwalk in his jorts, bowtie and a triangular revolutionary war hat. So I stuck a kids toy shovel in the spokes; picked him up & slung his marionette-like body over my shoulder; rode to the top of the Wonder Wheel and leaped off, pile driving him through the roof of Ruby’s where I proceeded to have a knish and ice-cold beer. End of story.
A long, long four years ago, Catey Shaw moved to Brooklyn from Virginia. The rest is history. She came to do something zany and out-of-the-box that many young people rarely try these days: go to art school. Well, after 4 back breaking years in the ‘hood – filled with boutiques, pretentious fusion food, and $7.00 lattes – she’s decided to release a song that encompasses the life and struggles of what she and so many of her glow-in-the-sun, faux-artsy, nasally uptick-voiced, parentally-subsidized friends are, called: “Brooklyn Girls”. This is a smack in the face to the HBO show “Girls” which really describes what real Brooklyn girls are all about.
Thanks for keeping it real Catey; when this video goes global, the world will finally see what ALL of Brooklyn is like: street art, L train rides, and paid black female extras that dance and sing on the stoops of $2000 1-bedroom apartment buildings with white art school girls. BK ALL DAY BABY!
Here are the lyrics:
When they walk in, they rule the world
Tough and pretty, break the rules
Brooklyn girls (x 4)
Jay-Z bumps in our headphones
Drinks on top of the brownstones
Get it on in the bathroom stall
Sunset girls acting prissy
Won’t get far in the city
We will freeze up your popsicle
‘Cuz we play rough and gritty
They all wanna catch our kitty
And there’s no use denyin’
That tonight we run the island
Wait for the L train
Bedford to Broadway…
This is from exactly a year ago but I never saw it and it was just emailed to me. Check out this mismatched, multi-colored, attention-needing beardo getting tripped by a spectator as he tried to run along side a cyclist during the Tour de France. It’s safe to say he got his much needed attention. Hysterical.
Hipsters are now putting flowers in their hipster beards. Ok, this is straight up gay. And I’m not knocking gays; I’m knocking straight males who aren’t acting like men but rather like soft pussies and emasculating society. I know gay men who are 20 X manlier than the average hipster. But I guess when you don’t actually work – having a messy beard, sleeve and neck tattoos, and wear costumes – you have time to insert fucking flowers into your facial flea circus and be an attention-starved pussy searching for ‘looks’ from the general public. The only upside to this latest “LOOK AT ME” trend is that a swarm of pollinating bees might attack one of these Logans’ or Calebs’ faces.
All the recent storms and rain reminded me of these video from a few years back – The Brooklyn Tornado Dayuuuudes. It’s quite clear these playcationing cockrags were exported from their suburban college campuses and shipped directly into their new parentally paid for Brooklyn apartments. I still wonder why they’re so shocked to see severe weather; isn’t this pretty normal in the Midwest? Like, like, like deeeeeeeeeed! Like Oh my God deeeeeeed! Holy shit deeeeeeeeed!
Today, I saw 37 year old, quirky Quaid feeding quinoa to his urban quails. So I shot a flaming arrow into his fruit roll up neck which ignited his Merlin the Magician beard which incinerated his ugly, smug, vapid gentrification face. End of story.
Today, I saw Bryce and Caleb flailing their Ally McBeal arms and drowning in toxic fecal sludge after their canoe tipped over in the Gowanus Canal during their mid-week mid-work day paddling session. So I yelled “hold on guys, I’ll get help!” as I jumped in my car and drove away to L & B Pizzeria in real Brooklyn and enjoyed a couple of the best squares on earth. End of story.