The Brooklyn Flag Contest

A website called www.uncommongoods.com is holding a Brooklyn Flag Design Contest where you can design a flag for your particular neighborhood. I can only imagine what kind of flags the parentally subsidized fly-over state fauxhemian “art” crowd in fake Brooklyn are going to design. I can see it now:

Upper Mid Greenpoint Heights - represented by a steaming small-batch-anti-corporation-support-your-local-coffee-shop $10 latte with the Apple logo drawn into the foam;

West Bushwick Gardens - represented by a kickball with the L Train “L” printed on it;

Lower Central South Bushwick - represented by an over-priced, beard hair laced Roberta’s pizza resting on a bed of kale;

Williamsburg “Proper” -  represented by a Penny Farthing which has it’s front wheel made out of a rare cheese.

 

Here is my simple yet informative flag design that I’m entering to represent every neighborhood in still-normal Brooklyn below Prospect Park.

OfficialSouthernBrooklynFlag

 

***And here is a bonus entry that some Ethan, Conrad or Buchannan can submit for Park Slope. This was actually sent to me by a diehipster.com reader a while back for another post but may as well be used for this contest.***

completebeardo

 

 

 

 

 

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Harrison the 34 year old, idle, coffee stirrer legged, chunky eye glass framed hipster interloper from Austin and Portland but originally from Antler County, Wisconsin who writes poetry on his Etch-a-Sketch on the Williamsburg Bridge for “urban looks”. So I tied one end of the rope I made with his iPod charger, headphones, and Converse shoelaces to the railing and the other around his Vienna Sausage neck and tossed him off, thus snapping his unwanted, transient faux-Brooklyn spine. End of story.

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, as I watched a 14 year old girl knock 35 year old Mason off his vintage Schwinn and ride off with it, I noticed him calling 911 to report it. So I put on a fake policeman’s uniform, arrived at the scene, and bashed his bearded face in with my walkie talkie which was simply a brick I painted black. End of story.

Rockaway Rappers to Hipsters: Get the fuck up out the Rock.

I like these guys; their style reminds me of early 90′s rap (although one’s name is Tristan, a name that has received numerous hipster beatings in the past – but he gets a pass this time). They are from Far Rockaway and released a song about the struggles of people in the area after Hurricane Sandy and about the influx of “contrived faux bohemia” (hipsters). My favorite line is “Gentrification really means: Get the Fuck Out! But in a nice way; isn’t this a nice day, for rich kids to come through and move in where I stay?”. I wish them success.

Link: DNAinfo.com – Rappers take on FEMA and Gentrifiers. 

 

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, as I was strolling down Bedford Ave slashing the tires of the 1000′s of illegally chained Schwinn bicycles, I decided to yell “Hey Caleb and Josh!!!”. So when 34 of them turned around at once, I flung a fresh-out-of-the-box Makita 12″ table saw blade and decapitated all of them with out injuring even one of the normal Brooklynites that were trying to navigate home to their families through the sea of lice beards, summer wool ski hats and Ray Bans. End of story.

This week’s “LOOOOK AT MEEEE” Award.

This week’s “LOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEEE” Award goes to Meghan and was sent in by contributor Eddie Going (instagram.com/EddieGoing). Now although I’ll admit this Meghan is actually pretty hot, the picture still screams: BROOKLYN IS OVER!!!. It almost looks like some dime a dozen fashion designer did a “shoot” and is going to use this as an advertisement to sell his/her “Brooklyn Based” rags - BEDFORD AVE STATION DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!! And judging by her hair color, she’s probably got some red bearded brother named Brody or Ryder not too far away selling and delivering $12 Peanut Butter and Jelly tacos by remote controlled helicopter.

LOOKATME3

Hipsters getting credit for Jewish Foods now: NY TIMES (of course)

hipster-eating-bagelMan, oh Manischewitz. These fucking NY Times articles drive me nuts. Hipsters have now added to their list of inventions: bagels, lox, gefilte fish, herring, smoked fishes, chopped liver and pickles. (Wait, sorry, they invented pickles about 7 years ago.) Basically,they are now getting credit for “reviving” classic Jewish foods. Are you kidding me? Reviving??? When did it end? Aside from the mentioned famous Russ & Daughters on Houston in the city, there are dozens of stores through-out “actual” Brooklyn and I’m sure Queens that have never stopped selling these kinds of foods; whether they are generational family stores or stores opening by newly arrived immigrants over the last few years. The reporter for this NY Times article is a woman named Julia Moskin who according to a little Googling is a life-long New Yorker, which makes me wonder how she doesn’t know or purposely fails to acknowledge the “real” existing Jewish and Eastern European stores though-out the boros. Then again, this is the same reporter who did a live webcast interview with the “hard-core” Brooklynites, The Mast Bros about their pretentious and disgusting chocolate. I guess if the stores in question are not within a 20-block radius of the Bedford Ave L Train station, or in the New LES, they aren’t worth mentioning. But then again, as usual, after I rant about stuff like this, I say to myself “it’s probably a good thing that there isn’t a focus on real Brooklyn”.

Link: NY Times – The New Golden Age of Jewish Food

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Beckett, who in just six months transformed himself from a Minnesotan Walmart parking lot shopping wagon stacker to an emaciated, red bearded, Bushwick DIY blacksmith. So I handcuffed his windshield wiper arms with an onion ring and suplexed him into his vintage sword making kiln. End of story.

When does it end? When??? – Parachuted Grilled Cheese.

No gloves; no beard nets; no hair nets; no health department inspection or grade for this “business” - yet hipster fucks are having a quirky old time with a little bit of “LOOOOK AT MEEEE” thrown into the mix as they catch grilled cheese sandwiches thrown at them off of buildings during their NYC playcations. And after paying $6.00 for two slices of bread with cheese that has sailed through NYC’s “clean air” and grazed along the side of a building that has never been cleaned in 100 years, made by a bunch of kidults with practically no ‘real’ overhead – they even ask you to return the flimsy parachute!!! Why should I? What if I want to slowly sail an M-80 down onto a hipster’s fedora later that day? When will all these attention-starved, subsidized, try-hards just leave us alone? When?

Link: Gothamist – Grilled Cheese Sandwiches Will Soon Parachute Out Of The Sky

 

 

 

 

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