Every year, the day after Halloween I have the same thought. The thought is: what if I put on a ball-crushing skinny jeans; Buddy Holly glasses; a fake beard; filthy Converse sneakers and a scarf and walked around Bushpointburg all day on Halloween? For me, this would be absolutely wearing a costume because IT IS A FUCKING COSTUME! Yet not one piece if shit hipster I would pass would think twice. Isn’t that insane? Isn’t it absolutely crazy that you could transform yourself into a ridiculous looking lemming – go to a neighborhood and not look weird? These spoiled fucks are in costume all year long. Every day is Halloween to them. Now what I mentioned is just your standard annoying hipster uniform – then you have the people that walk around, daily, like emaciated lumberjacks; Civil War Re-enactors; failed rock stars; the Pringles man; Amish windmill builders; 1912 paperboys; 1960’s librarians; tattooed fishing rods; and penny farthing salesmen. Did I leave anything out? Why oh why did this plague have to come to Brooklyn??? WHYYYYY?
Today, as I was gazing out my window watching real Brooklyn kids bomb terrified hipsters with eggs, I had a great idea. So I filled a pumpkin with quick-dry cement and smashed it over the skull of the first spatula-physiqued, 1862 facial-haired, $5.84 cup of coffee drinking, rent-raising, Brooklyn-pussifying, hipster piece of shit I saw. End of story.
Thanks to the few people that sent this list to me of “quirky” and “zany” hipster baby names which will give me an endless supply of names to incorporate into the hipster beating section of this site. So be ready ‘Cormac’, ‘Kale’ (yes, Kale!), ‘Watson’, and ‘Edison’ – the hipster beater is coming to get you. The precious snowflakes on that list will be coming to a city near you soon to further continue the hyper gentrification that their parents are doing right now. Soon, Everly and Prue and Miller and Hudson will be opening a goat farm record store art supply café around the corner from where you will be packing your furniture into a U-Haul because your rent just tripled thanks to the smug nasal brigade coming to check “the nabe” out for a couple of years. Fucking disgusting!
Hipster Beating Victims, I mean Baby Names.
Today, as I was throwing bricks at bearded 30 year old mid-day skateboarders, I saw Grady and Xander getting signatures from local, organic transients to petition the city to install bike lanes in all NYC cemeteries so they can do authentic and zany haunted Halloween tours for the “vibrant creative types who have helped Brooklyn flourish”. So I made a rope out of their Converse shoelaces; tied each end around their Vienna Sausage-like necks and threw them over a telephone cable like a pair of sneakers. End of story.
The stencil man, Banksy, has committed a very big sin. He’s has trespassed below the diehipster line to do one of his stencil “art pieces”. This is on Stillwell and Neptune in Coney Island. Great, now 100’s of hipster lemming fucks from his audience are going to come down to still-normal Brooklyn and discover a new area to ruin with their organic homogenized infinite leisure time existences. But I already took care of the problem; so come on down you stupid fucks, with your cameras Mommy bought you. And yes, this is real:
Here are a few links sent over to me recently about the people plaguing our cities and culture:
Yahoo News – Stencil sensation Banksy doesn’t like the way we re-built One World Trade Center; gets op-ed rejected by NY Times. Why doesn’t he just take his stencils and hipster audience and leave the country?
The Atlantic – Evolution of boys names in America since 1960; notice the Jacobs, Joshes, Tylers, Ethans, Logans, Calebs that began trending in the hipster breeding ground of the Midwest since the 1980’s – and people wonder why we always make fun of those names.
Papermag.com – The owner of papermag.com says if she sees: “one more white, bearded, tattooed, apron-clad, work-booted hipster standing behind the counter of a shop selling pork bellies, small-batch gin, organic barber shop products or old-school, authentic, artisanal, heritage, sustainable, distressed-looking anything”, she swears she will throw up.
Now let’s hear what Arty the Seal has to say about this.
Translation: Ok, I’ll give you this much, you have a hot body, but let’s get down to business. You fucking homogenizing hipsters think everything you do and see is ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART. This is not art; this is a woman who back in Culdesacia, Michigan was told she was amazing in her 4th grade play and now thinks bathing in milk in a filthy backyard in Bushwick while babbling meaningless ‘deep’ words is art. It’s not – you are simply a talentless gentrifier. Oh, you’re so gritty but you’re not. And to be honest, I don’t know who I hate more – the ‘artist’ or the lemming audience who is pretending to understand the meaning of it all that us uncultured Brooklyn natives can’t grasp because we didn’t go to some flyover state liberal art school. What a bunch of pathetic Brooklyn-ruining pieces of shit. You are not artists – not one of you. You are space-wasting, rent-raising, cool-hunting, Brooklyn-pussifying, frauds.
This just might be one of the most nauseating, whimsical, stereotypical hipster videos you’ve seen in a while. There’s your standard beard; rolled-up for a flood jean cuffs; suddenly sewing your own clothes; endless, wordy descriptions of sunsets, building tree houses and magical journeys; and of course, quitting your jobs and somehow (we know the answer to that) supporting yourself for a year as you travel state to state buying vintage windows for your magical new home in the woods. Where do they go to the bathroom or shower? But I guess I can’t be too mad at them – they’ve secluded themselves away from Brooklyn and don’t want any attention; wait, scratch that, they made a “LOOOOOK AT USSSSS” video for the world to see how whimsical they are! And last but not least the video ends on two notes – the beardo comes to the conclusion that he can think of no other title to call himself but “artist”, and the couple find a filthy, moldy, raccoon piss-soaked piece of clothing that they ‘just have to have’ and take it home with them. Please Nick and Lilah, never come to Brooklyn to teach us the meaning of life – we beg you.
Today, I saw the costume-wearing Iowan red bearded Mast Bros setting sail on their schooner for a magical pioneering cacao bean adventure. So I cast my fishing rod; reeled the boat back to the shores of gentrified Red Hook; broke their nail file-shaped bodies in half; wove their beards into sails and then sent them sailing into the Bermuda Triangle. End of story.
It seems that the NY Times has gone full circle with its ‘discovery of Brooklyn’ tour and ended up back in the costume wearing, red bearded Mast Bros’ chocolate factory. God, I wish I could fire those two scare-crowish, pseudo-artisanal hipsters out of a cannon back to their Iowan cornfield for good. Well, this Thursday I’m going to ask you all for a big favor. The Times is doing a live interview on their Dining Page with the Mast Brothers about their new recipe book where they teach us how to make artisanal chocolate milk. Viewers are allowed to tweet questions for the Mast Bros. to @nytdining.
Today’s NY Times article is where tomorrow’s Q & A with the out-of-place Mast Bros. of Nieuw Breukelen will be; please make sure to help me disrupt these pieces of shit. This is the link to see today’s article and tomorrow’s live interview as well: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/22/dining/discussing-chocolate-with-the-mast-brothers.html?src=dayp&_r=1&
This is where I need your help; if you don’t already have a Twitter account, it takes two minutes to open one on a computer. Then we will bombard the @nytdining account with ridiculous questions tomorrow at 2pm sharp in hopes of disrupting this very, very important red beard recipe webinar. Once you have an account, you can do this on a Twitter app on a smart phone or computer depending on what you do, since you’ll probably be at work at 2pm unlike the average funemployed hipster. So set an alarm on your phone for 2pm tomorrow, Thursday, Oct 24th and help me out.
Here are some questions I’ve come up with to use, but feel free to say what ever you want; and make sure you do not stop bombarding for a good 20 minutes, even if you keep repeating them over and over:
People have found red beard hairs in your $10 chocolate bars. Why don’t you wear beard nets?
Is it required to be an Amish looking, ax sharpening, red bearded hipster to be a chocolate maker?
What gentrification blog did you read that made you move from an Iowan cornfield to working class Brooklyn?
City data shows for every 10 overpriced disgusting bars of shit you make – a normal non-hip NY family gets displaced. Thoughts on that?
How many gentrification allowance checks from your folks did you save up to open your business?
How did you manage to unload those heavy sacks of cacao beans off the three sailed schooner with your Olive Oyl physiques?
Remember, here is the link you need to go to tomorrow, Thursday, October 24th, @ 2PM: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/22/dining/discussing-chocolate-with-the-mast-brothers.html?src=dayp&_r=1&
And you can reach me on Twitter @HipsterBeatings