A Message From Our President

Yes Mr. President Obama – keep marketing your plan to the artisanal hot cacao drinking beta-males of this country; they did after all give you a lot of votes. See video below our President’s tweet.

obamatweet

Check out these Elvis Costello eyeglass wearing beta-beardos woohoo-ing and jumping for joy after Obama’s first victory. Politically and economically this victory means nothing to them as their new lives in Park Slope are probably being subsidized by out-of-state parents. This celebrating was purely to show how ‘diverse’ they are: “Like yaaaaaaaah deeeeeed! Finally, a black president!! Wooohoooooo! Yaaaaah I love black people and this country needs more racial equality maaaaaan!!!” However the following day you know he was clutching his man purse and iPhone as he passed the first black person he saw.

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw 38 year old Sallinger; the monocle wearing, Harry Houdini-hairstyled, Newtown Creek oyster shucking transplant from Indiana making bike lanes out of hummus paste where he felt it was needed in his new home of Nieuw Breukelen. So I hot ironed his inbred face into a Freddy Krueger Halloween mask. End of story.

NY Times discovers fire and yet another “urban pioneer”.

Meet Jens Rasmussen: Transplanted Wisconsin native; Brooklyn gentrifier; Shakespearian performer; North Brooklyn Boat Club Board Member; but most of all – Urban Woodsman. Yes, when he is not reciting Shakespeare, he is sitting under the Pulaski Bridge dressed like a bum, teaching other urban pioneers how to make fires in the wilderness of Brooklyn. And the NY Times is all over it in their post-2010 love affair with the newly discovered borough.

pulaski-camping

Link: NY TIMES – Wisconsin man teaches us how to survive the Brooklyn Wilderness.

Please tell me how it’s possible to sit under a bridge like a homeless man playing with sticks and bricks and manage to live in Greenpoint where the average rent has got to be around $2000 if not more? Why can’t they stay in their rural and suburban towns in fly over land and be the farmers and lumberjacks they wish (or pretend) to be? If you are going to come here, don’t act like an out-of-place, attention-starved fuck trying to “teach” us things. With all the hundreds of thousands of square miles of actual wilderness out there, this fucking guy comes here to set up camp under the Pulaski Bridge and make fire, tea, grilled vegetables and hush-puppies.

“His students — Victor Calvo and Amreen Quadir, both internists at Methodist Hospital in Brooklyn — sat on a thick wooden plank between a chain-link fence topped with razor wire and a concrete wall covered with colorful graffiti tags.”

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH YOUR WANNA-BE GRITTY BULL SHIT! WHEN DOES IT END???

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Wagner the dentist’s scraper shaped, public knitter making a scarf made out of kale to wear to his kickball team’s Xmas party in an abandoned metal fabrication shop in upper central west Bushwick. So I ripped a stop sign out of the sidewalk and swatted him like a ping pong ball back to his cul-de-sac in Iowa. End of story. 

Brooklyn Kickball League has a new rule.

Yesterday Major League Baseball pussified itself by instating a new “no collision” rule next season that says a base runner can’t collide into the catcher at home plate anymore; one of the more exciting plays in the game if you think about it. Well, the Brooklyn Hipster Kickball league will also further pussify itself (if you can believe that that’s even possible) by instating the same rule. I’m quite sure one of the parents of a 32 year old barista who is roughing it in a $2000 studio in North Brooklyn called in from Minnemichikota to make sure this new rule was put in place.

kickball-rule

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Brody adjusting his fluorescent pink leg warmers before walking into a Wisconsin-themed coffee shop/adult craft center in Bushwick where he will sit all day with his MacBook pretending to be a playwright. So since he was cold, I wrapped him in a 28ft long, gasoline-soaked ‘hand-crafted’ scarf and used a vintage Zippo lighter to ignite him and turn him into a burnt matchstick. End of story.

The iPhone Cookie Joke

Not Brooklyn, but felt this was worth posting. A diehipster.com fan up in Canada got this picture and story off a radio station’s website. It’s about a fucking infinite leisure time red beard hipster who made iPhone cookies (or probably Mom did) to drive around and fool cops into thinking he was talking/texting just so he could eat it in front of them and try to make them feel stupid. So let’s see, he’s potentially making someone who actually needs the cops wait longer; he’s wasting city money and resources; this might start a trend among other hipsters and further waste time and money – but best of all – Josh the fucking red bearded hipster fuck proved to us that these people have plenty of time for “LOOK AT ME” moments and that he KNOWS HIS RIGHTS MAAAAAAAN!

iphonecookie

Oh, I thought you wanted attention?

Watch as this helium-voiced, talentless, dirty hipster says “I really don’t like the camera, its bothering me”. But Cooper, I thought that’s what you wanted – as you live in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in the country yet get to play your Fisher-Price guitar for pennies in the subway? This piece of shit is proof that these hipster scumbags are usually supported by their parents; if he is camera shy or has some kind of stage fright, then he could never be famous which means he would never make serious money as a musician which means he is simply doing this because he thinks its a cool NY thing to do and has plenty of leisure time to do it. Also the girl who picks up his pamphlet as if she’s really curious and interested in anything this bedbug chauffer is offering is annoying too.

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