Attention-starved, kidult bicycle gangs – coming soon to Brooklyn.

I stumbled across this video from a series of videos on Youtube called “American Hipster Presents” – which I honestly can’t believe a series like this didn’t implode hipsterdom and destroy it forever by being so openly pathetic about hipsterdom itself. I actually posted a video from this series a while back about a “unique” sleeve tattooed and moustached try-hard who throws old-timey “pop-up” parties complete with Gangs of New York style boxing matches and ice he ice picks himself from a block instead of using modern conformity cubes – and I forget all about it.

Well here is video from that series that I overlooked that I simply can’t believe is not a parody – this is as nauseating as it gets my friends. It’s in Portland, Oregon – which is if not equivalent, a close #2 to Brooklyn as being the most hipster infested part of the country. As a matter of fact, a lot of hipsters travel and exchange themselves between Portland and Brooklyn, sharing ideas of how to further pussify both cities. This video has it all: 30 year old kidults; beards; adult Big Wheel/tricycle; thick frame glasses; zany tall and lit-up bikes; mentioning of ART; sleeve tattoos; PBR; stretched earlobes; $700 tires/yet no real job; a helium-voiced, wanna-be biker bad-ass, bicycle geek; infinite leisure time for ‘LOOK AT ME’ bike rides at any given time of day or night; kidults screaming an oath about the freedom to ride bikes and get drunk; and last but certainly not least – disrespectfully playing ring toss trying to throw old bike tires over a tombstone in a cemetery in the middle of the night since nobody has any responsibility the next day. DID I MISS ANYTHING???

GOD, I hate these fucking people with such a passion. WHY? Why has there never been, in recorded human history, a generation of such over-privileged, attention-starved fucking people? Sometimes I feel embarrassed to be part of the same generation; but usually I’m proud and happy that I’m normal an am able to call this social disease out for what it is.

A Bronx Kale – starring Robert De Beardo

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The NY Yankees are known for their ‘clean shaven’, ‘no beard or moustache’ rule if you play on their team – but that’s probably going to change because the next stop on the gentrification bus is Da Bronx and here come the beardos! Yes, it’s true – now that most incoming hipsters from abroad whose parents are not willing to pay the average Brooklyn rent of $3000, will still be willing to pay a mere $2000 to enable their 28 year old and 32 year old little boys and girls to help turn The Bronx into the next cupcake, fairly-traded coffee and amateurish art mecca.

Think I’m kidding? There is actually going to be a Bronx Gentrification Conference today run by a panel of “urban development experts”.

Link: NY Daily News – It’s time to talk about the gentrification of the South Bronx.

Imagine at Yankee Stadium, the aisle vendors all turned into Nancy Reagan physiqued, red-bearded, liberal arts school degree holding hipsters selling Mast Brother Chocolate bars for $25; souvenir stands selling Yankee scarfs and wool ski hats to wear as you watch the game in the sweltering heat in the middle of July to look ‘different & unique'; Derek Jeter signing baseballs with a quill and inkwell; half the parking lot dedicated to vintage rusty Schwinns and CitiBikes; a kale patch in center field; all seating – even the upper deck – encased in plexi-glass, paid for by the Midwestern parents of the new Bronx residents so their precious kidults don’t get hit by a ball; the Yankees new mascot – a W.B. Mason looking hipster which also doubles as a W.B. Mason advertisement; the L train extended into the Bronx in case the ancient ancestors of the new Bronx hipster – the Brooklyn Hipster who arrived to NY in 2008 – want to go to the game.

So get ready Bronx natives – you’re either gonna have to throw a lot of hipster beatings or hop on that next Greyhound heading upstate somewhere.

Friday Lemming Links

Shoplifting and theft on the rise at Park Slope Food Coop: Seems like having the ability to zoom in from suburban Michigan in a U-Haul to Park Slope Brooklyn and have a $1.4 million dollar Brownstone bought for you by your parents is not enough; some Park Slope yups are either kleptomaniacs or simply running out of Mom and Dads funding.

Looks like Ford Mustang is turning into Ford Puntang: This latest Ford Mustang commercial is targeting urban hikers, 30 year old skate boarders, stretched earlobe people, talentless musicians, winter hat in the summer wearers, adult finger painters and upright bass street players. Let me guess – the gear shifter is a tampon with a cupcake on top?

“Artist” (yes, yet another ‘artist’) gives free tattoos at free tattoo house parties: Meet – wait for it – JOSH, who some how lives in now-expensive Bushwick; plays with art all day; yet has the ability to throw all-night parties and give people tattoos in exchange for nothing. I think somewhere in the article he claims to be poor.

 

Millennials (A.K.A Mostly Hipsters) blaming others for their uselessness.

It’s true to some degree that many people who have transplanted to a city like NYC are spoiled by their parents; but these kidults – who have it made – have taken their whining to a new level: sarcastic whining on YouTube. And when I say “these kidults”, I don’t just mean the 4 people in the video, I mean the thousands upon thousands of spoiled hipsters they are trying to represent. These so called millennials are by definition people ages 18 – 33, but I think this is a diversion from the real menacing group which are hipsters ages 23 – 45 who have turned Brooklyn into Six Flags Caleb’s Adventure. Sure, a lot these “millennials” fall into the hipster category, so let’s just call them all hipsters. These fucking spoiled pieces of gentrifying shit are complaining when many of them are approaching 30 and beyond and have not even held a full time real job yet? Who are having their outrageous Brooklyn rents being paid by Mommy an Daddy? Who get to skateboard from art gallery openings to Mast Bros. chocolate tastings at 1pm on a Tuesday? Who go to HBO’s ‘Girls’ watchings at $9 craft ale bars in Bushpointburg full of scarf wearing, yoga mat toting men and women from Iowa? Who pay $5 for a cupcake or a coffee or a bag of kale chips? Who go for bike rides to buy overpriced organic groceries while normal people are working? Who are out almost every night, smoking and drinking and partying?

Link: New York Daily News – “Film maker” apologizes for entire spoiled hipster generation.

Yep, these are the people complaining that their lives suck; and it’s everybody else’s fault – from their grandparents to their parents to the last 4 Presidents. How dare these people complain and not understand why they are hated by normal New Yorkers or other working class people in the big cities they ruin? These Kidults of the Corn will not take jobs like loading/unloading trucks or delivery, administrative positions, sales positions, civil servant positions, hospitality positions, construction jobs, etc, etc. Why because those jobs require you to work and don’t come with a ‘kewel’ title. The average Molly from Wiscossota who lives in a parentally paid-for $2200 one bedroom in Bushpointburg will only work part-time or temporary jobs in art or fashion or media or design so she can call herself a “creative assistant” but her most important function is making sure her upper management hipster bosses have fresh ka-fee all day long. That to her is more important than working a normal job and supporting herself.

When will this fucking bubble burst and send these 35 year old boys and girl back to their fly-over states?

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Palmer, Brice, Hamilton, and Hayden heading over to the new McCarren Park ice skating rink to play mid-work day, re-purposed hockey using umbrellas as sticks and an old vegan donut as a puck. So I stepped onto the ice with my Jason mask and asked to be goalie; when they all nasally said “sherrrr deeeeed” in unison, I took off a skate and decapitated them. End of story.

Like, yaaah dayuuude – I was in like, Bushwick first.

This is fucking pathetic: Hipsters who moved to Bushwick a few years ago complaining about hipsters moving in today. Don’t you just wanna smack all of them for being such clueless, out-of-place, gentrifying ignorant shits? This picture from the NY Post is of the rooftop of a new building that the hipsters of yesteryear (2009 LOL) are complaining about. Helllllllo???? You are to blame for any thing that worsened from when you moved in up until to today you fucking morons. Remember when you first went to Roberta’s Beard Hair Pizza Parlor? Remember that first talentless art gallery you went to? Remember your first $4.00 latte you had in Bushwick? Well that’s when it all started you filthy hipster fucking hypocrites. Just look at those two kidults on the rooftop see-saw of their $3000 parentally paid-for apartment; have you ever seen something more sickening? He’s pretty much posing for this article saying “yep, I’ll be enjoying my Peter-Pan lifestyle for as long as Daddy let’s me!!”.

Link: NY Post – Hipsters fight over who is more authentic in Bushwick.

“CastleBraid is stacked with amenities designed to appeal to the aspiring hipsters — including a recording studio, a wood shop, a screening room, a gym, a game room and even a digital-media lab.”

How are you supposed to use all those amenities when you have to go to work? Oh wait, silly me and my rhetorical questions. I guess the gym is for dodge ball, duck duck goose tournaments, and storage. And there just has to be a wood shop, you know, for that hipster who only 3 years ago was selling video games at a Game Stop in a mall in Wisconsin and is now a bearded urban 120lb North Brooklyn lumberjack.

God I hate these people. Just try to come down and gentrify still-normal Southern Brooklyn; I’ll fucking run your bearded, Woody Allen glasses-wearing, foie gras infused-cupcake eating ass over with a steam roller.

 

Arty the Seal: On vaginal knitting.

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Here’s a hipster from Australia – a place that’s been heavily infested with hipsters over the past several years. She claims to be a “performer/craftivist” who knits out of her vagina. Watch the nasty video and then let’s see what Arty the Seal has to say about it.

TRANSLATION:

You nasty hipster bitch! Anything for attention with you people. This is NOT art. Everything with you talentless lemmings is ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART. You are knitting – something millions of women have done forever, but you keep the wool in your pussy instead of a basket next to you. Then you whimsically ramble on for 2 minutes and 50 seconds about it; trying to shape it into some deep philosophical act but in the end its just you being gross for attention. I don’t know what’s worse: the person doing the meaningless and pathetic “art” or the audience of hipster fucks who stand there having wine and cheese pretending to understand it and be trendy. It’s a sad world we live in where complete failures who are usually supported by their parents end up in our once normal, affordable, truly cultural cities full of real people and destroy it with their “whimsy and quirkiness“. Keep your nasty “craftivist” (<– another made up hipster title) twat in Australia and don’t even think about coming to that magical place full of vibrant creative types you’ve been reading about called Brooklyn.

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I thought I saw a pilgrim from the Mayflower wandering around Brooklyn but it was actually Quaid who dresses like that all year long for attention who decided not to go back to the Midwest for Thanksgiving. So I stapled his fruit roll-up limbs to a wall and began firing 20lb rock hard frozen turkeys at him with my giant slingshot. End of story.

The Yearly Hipster Mass Exodus

hipster-thankgivingYep it’s that time of the year again: the long 4 day Thanksgiving weekend. This is when it seems like almost all of the useless, rent-raising, costume-wearing, out-of-place, pseudo-creatives vanish back to their cul-de-sacs and one-horse towns. It’s where they will exaggerate to their enabling parents and family members that did not pioneer and discover Brooklyn about how well creative jobs are doing; how great their art projects are coming along; how successful their fusion food and craft businesses are; and how their “nabes” are changing for the whiter better since more and more “vibrant, cultured visionaries” moved in. This is also a time of year along with Christmas time where after telling their families how amazing they are doing in Brooklyn, they can also recharge their parentally-issued credit cards and bank accounts for another year of funemployment, leisure, and art art art art! This happens to be a great time if you are a burglar – most likely these clueless hipsters have left their doors and windows unlocked because they believe in the good nature of people and the good vibes and karma of the “nabe”.

I can see it now back in Nebraskohiossipi: Aunt Mildred passes the cranberry sauce to Ethan her bearded turkey baster-shaped nephew visiting from Gowanus, Brooklyn. She asks “how is your urban farming doing Ethan? He says “like yah, it’s going sooooo well Aunt Mildred. The soil along the canal is like, amazing; my urban organic radishes are the size of footballs.” Aunt Mildred says “maybe it’s because I’ve read the soil is toxic from being industrial for so many years?” Ethan says “like, yah… but like, no…that’s just a myth; the ‘nabe’ of Gowanus has been home to artists and farmers like myself for over a century according to my buddy Quinn who rents kayaks at the canal. He’s been in Brooklyn since 2007 so he knows”.

Anyway my natives, immigrants, and normal assimilated transplants who live in infested areas – enjoy the next four days of peace and some-what normal streets. Happy Thanksgiving.

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