Today, I saw a crayon-armed, urban mixologist who dresses like a 19th century paperboy telling his androgynous hair styled girlfriend about his new $18 goose liver and artisanal popcorn infused martini that Niew Breukelenites will buy and bill directly to their Midwestern parents as they nasally honk about obscure films and books into the night without a care in the world in his pretentious new bar that will close within 9 months. So I strangled him with the soda gun and smashed every mother fucking pint glass in the bar over his smug, bearded face. End of story.
Like yah!!!! Are you like, between the ages of like, 25 – 40 and like, want to act like a child in summer camp? Well then join the team of Brokelyn.com tonight as they kick off the summer in true hipster transplant fashion with a summer camp themed night in a beer garden in none other than the magical land discovered by progressive pioneering creative types: WHIMSYBURG!
If you don’t know about Brokelyn.com; it’s a website run by a bunch of transplants who would like to help their readers understand Brooklyn culture and save money on important things like PBR, coffee, rooftop films, rooftop veggies, yoga mats, and bicycle related stuff. Just check out the list of activities planned for tonight:
- Make new friends scavenger hunt
- Friendship bracelets, macaroni art, popsicle stick sculptures, etc.
- Ping pong, bocce and ladder ball tournaments
- Best of Brooklyn raffle (win a brand new bike from Ride Brooklyn, among other sweet prizes- Water balloon toss
- Sweater fondling and/or refrigerator humping
- Spin the bottle
- Makin’ out behind the mess hall
Yes, this is what Brooklyn has become: coddled, nasally, snarky, adult toddlers from Midwestern cul-de-sacs living in $2000 a month apartments who make macaroni art and friendship bracelets while the rest of us normal people watch in awe as Brooklyn becomes a pussified liberal arts campus for perpetual infants with child molester moustaches, lice farm beards, and extra small $150 designer lumber jack shirts.
It’s been a hard day’s night and he’s been shopping like a girl.
Sad but true: the city (Liverpool, England) which arguably brought us some of the greatest song writing in history (The Beatles) apparently has its own hipster infestation. Check out this woman’s email and pictures to me; you think she despises attention-starved, punchable, try-hard, mother fucking hipsters? It fucking baffles me how people – especially fully grown adult males – can publicly prance around day after day after fucking day in these fauxhemian costumes as if the average person believes they are some kind of rock star or world-renowned artist. I mean, the saturation in our cities alone of these hipster fucks is a sure sign that they’re all phonies. Do these spoiled sheep really think that us normal people think there are 1000′s of Bowies, Warhols, Jaggers, Dalis, and Hendrixes walking the streets among us? Do they??? Or maybe that’s not it. Maybe they expect us to believe that it’s simply an accident; that they went to sleep clean shaven and in their underwear and woke up with greasy, knotty hair, Smith Bros. Cough Drop beards, Robin Hood shoes, XX Small ironic Salvation Army bin shirts and Sherlock Holmes vests. Yeah, that’s the ticket – none of this is pre-planned douchebaggery. Here are the pictures and her email:
LOVE your site, read it every day. I’m an American but live in the UK and in Liverpool this weekend witnessed the absolute WORST offender of a hipster shitbag I have ever seen in my life. On the train back to St. Helens this asshole was in a VELVET suit, complete with paisley pocket square, hairband, long, greasy-ass insect-ridden strands of filthy hair, a fucking upturned, stylised moustache, jewelry like he was a five year old girl playing fucking pretty-pretty princess, “look at meeeee!” red leather hipster shoes and, naturally, he smelled like a sewer. However, don’t be fooled by the fact that he looks like he hasn’t bathed in weeks because he’s a 90 pound stick of a “starving artist”–he was carrying multiple shopping bags from obscenely expensive retailers like Topman. To top it all off, he stood there, resting on one leg like that, looking at EVERYONE on the train with this holier-than-thou, disdainful, disinterested, smug fucking apathetic look on his disgusting face for fully twenty minutes before getting off the train.
Oh, did I mention that I took this photo at 2pm ON A WEEKDAY?
Today, I saw Brody – a malnourished Mid-western transplant going DOWN on the UP escalator in scuba diving gear as completely pointless and unnecessary zany and quirky ‘performance art’. So I set the speed of the the escalator to Very Fast which brought him right to the top where I broke his jaw with a locally sourced, sustainable right hook. End of story.
“I love the overhead view of McCarren park now that he Krazy Glued me to the side of this unnecessary overpriced giant condo building in Billy.” – Zelda
“Although I’m chained to a signal light here in the middle of the L Train tunnel between Bedford Ave and Manhattan – the acoustics are great for playing my slide guitar.” – Leigh
“The aroma of the fresh ground artisanal coffee beans was intoxicating up until the blade of the coffee bean grinder sliced my nose off when he rammed my face through it.”- Clay
“No this isn’t a beer belly. He simply shoved a bowling ball down my throat because the decibel level of my nasally voice is .03 decibels too high to live in Brooklyn.” – Jimmothy
“Like yah, he told me we were going to a rilly kewel carnival in Queens. I ended up riding the Jet Blue luggage carousel at JFK for 8 hours in a duffel bag that had a tag that said ‘If lost, please return to Wyoming’ “. – Cooper
The hipster beater got me a summer job at Coney Island!!! I am now officially a piece of track on the Cyclone!! Thanks hipster beater, for making me an authentic part of Brooklyn. – Caleb
“On a chilly June afternoon he turned the corner and blow torched me into a piece of charcoal. I guess he thought I was cold since I had my attention-getting Eskimo hat and 25 ft scarf on.” – Zane Kingsford (The artist formerly known as Zane Ashford)
The LA Times released an article yesterday titled: Has America Finally Had All The Hipsters It Can Take? An article with a title like this can be deceiving. Sure after all that’s been discussed and hoped for over the years on this site at least – you would think that one day, soon, every form of hipster you see and hate out there would just go :::POOF:::: and vanish into thin air. Sure, hipsterism has gone mainstream without a doubt – which we all thought would be the cure to the disease – but it’s not. Unfortunately, the only way to cure this epidemic in the infested cities would be severe economic turmoil, riots, or military force.
I see no end of it in Brooklyn and parts of Manhattan; I see no shortage of bearded, estrogenized lumberjacks and wanna-be artists; vapid urban exploring liberal arts degree holders; or parentally funded foodies fusing together Swedish meatballs with Pad Thai and locally sourced cruelty-free wild Bushwick roof top salmon and selling it out of a Scooby-doo van just for kicks - and I don’t see them going away any time soon. I have only one option to avoid these fucking frauds: to stay and defend South Brooklyn from the infestation and to keep it from becoming a Romper Room of over-privileged, talentless, nasally, transient hipsters that North Brooklyn has become. Come on down Zack, Hayden, Timmy and Kyle. The Hipster Beater awaits you.
Oh man! This just might the perfect song or anthem for the hipsters of this world that have somehow spawned and multiplied and ruined so many cities. The deep, thought-out, heavy lyrics are basically “LOOK AT ME! EVERYONES LOOKING AT ME BECAUSE I’M FREE!”
Like, yah! Like yah! Life is about expressing yourself without limits! Not caring what you look or act like! Just be yourself! Like yah!!! Like yah!!! Just like mommy told you when you were 9 but now you are 36 – but you don’t care! People are just jealous of your freeeeeedom of expression! Like yaaaaah! It’s so easy to run around like a zany creative type for years and years when you have that trust fund or a wallet full of Daddy’s credit cards or live in a one-bedroom with 7 other waiters or production assistants just to make rent!
Just look at this oily, tight clothes wearing, talentless, Mast Brother relative. This is the type of guy who will buy $180 tight pants and pretend to care about how coffee in unfairly traded. I just can’t for the life of me figure out how these fucking hipsters find this childish pussy rock/pop so appealing. It’s just so awful and embarrassing.