Today, I saw 32 year old, Ally McBeal-shaped, red bearded Harrison escaping on his pogo stick from a brutal attack by two 15 year old girls who needed a new i-Phone. So I clotheslined him, loaned my Louisville Slugger and tire iron to the girls; filmed the whole beating with his i-Phone and sent the video to his Mommy back in Oregon so she could see her son’s creative Brooklyn experience she’s been paying for. End of story.
It’s time to play “COMPLETE THAT PICTURE!!!!”
Here is a picture of only a small portion of a hipster on the train. To play this game you must complete this picture by describing the rest of his appearance among other things like name, age, occupation, hobbies, where he lives, where he’s actually from, and what’s in his bag. I’ll go first – you can just copy and paste my list into the comment section – erase my answers and use it as a template.
Rest of Appearance: Jeans so tight his testicles fuse into one, Honk If You Compost! t-shirt, 25 ft scarf, stretched earlobes with gluten-free Oreo’s as fillers.
Occupation: Curates gallery twice weekly that displays photos of photos of photos of Banksy mediocre stencil spray-ons; runs floating dog D.J. school on Newtown Creek on weekends
Hobbies: Tap dancing on his amaaaaaazing hardwood floors; making tofu jerky
Lives now: 1.2 Million Dollar loft in Bushwick
Is actually from: 4th grain silo on the left on Route 96 in Iowa
What’s in the man purse?: 2-in-1 kazoo/weed bowl; map of galleries and brunch spots along the L train line; uncashed parental gentrification allowance check from last February saved for a rainy day; fedora hat that also serves as quirky ramen bowl.
The director, Amy Nicholson, of a documentary that came out this summer called “Zipper” emailed me to ask if I could post the info for a special one-night screening on October 30th. It has already played one night at the IFC in Manhattan over the summer. Zipper is about a popular ride in Coney Island and its crew that had to shut down operation, among so many other amusements, because of the greed, politics and rezoning that’s been happening in Coney for the past several years. My first reaction was “sure, I’ll post it” – but then I saw where it was going to be played; right in the heart of fucking bearded bread stick land: The Nitehawk Cinema in Williamsburg.
I emailed her back and said something like “why would I advertise for a theater in Hipster World that’s going to play a film about Coney – so they could come down to ‘discover, explore and pioneer’ still-normal Brooklyn and ruin it too?” But she replied with two things: one is that right now it was the only theatre she could get into and two is that it’s sort of an “in your face” to the gentrification crowd to see their reaction to what re-zoning and greed (which is usually the product of hipsters and faux-artists moving into an area but wasn’t the case this time with Coney) can do to a historic place and a place that so many people love and call home. She also sent me a link to watch the movie in it’s entirety and it was fucking awesome. I really loved it. So with all that, she changed my mind.
So hopefully this teaches the nasally, smug, moneyed, culture vacuuming , gentrifying hipster set something; OR – next summer in Coney will we start to see: Cornfield Caleb opening a sustainable bicycle pedal-powered cotton candy stand; or Midwest Molly selling bacon and whiskey infused granola next to Not Mexican Ned’s El Moo-cho El Au-then-teeko fish taco truck; or 34 year old trustfunded Hayseed Hayden applying to be bat boy for the Cyclones at MCU Park; or Hungover Heidi selling hive-to-jar honey made from the bees she keeps under the boardwalk that she tames with the smoke from her cool hand-rolled cigarettes; or pseudo-Activist Ashley handing out Save Coney fliers just hours before her flight back to Wisconsin leaves because her parents won’t pay for her Brooklyn playcation anymore; or Zany Zane demanding that Nathan’s start carrying cruelty-free oxygen flavored hotdogs??? We’ll see.
Anyway, I urge you to go. Hey, plenty of people that read my site are real Brooklynites and New Yorkers, so tell some of your friends about the film, venture out to fake Brooklyn and go take some seats away from the hipsters and watch an amazing documentary. You can even make an entire night out of it; give some hipsters dirty looks, slash some rusty Schwinn bicycle tires and cut the brake lines of bikes that are chained everywhere; throw some M-80s into cafes full of overly-tattooed praying mantis physiqued creative types vapidly gazing into their Macbooks; order a $100 of vegan food from a hipster food truck and just walk away or go drop some of your own organic chocolate directly from your ass in the middle of Ye Olde Mast Brothers chocolate shoppe. Like I said, make it a night!
Here is the info and a trailer:
“Artist” Banksy is doing a one-a-day stencil piece in a new secret location each day somewhere in NYC this month. As we saw a few days ago, he did one in East NY and the locals quickly parted the hipsters who came to photograph it from their money. This morning he released the location of today’s stencil and within a couple of hours two guys walked right up to it as all the hipsters were gawking at it and snapping pictures and dissed it with a can of black spray paint! I love it!
Wow, this troll-like man needs to be unleashed in Bushpointburg to let all the hipsters know how invasive, talentless and useless they really are. Ok, the guy playing the trumpet or whatever that instrument is, is really not what we think of as hipsters judging by his looks. The only thing hipsterish about him is that he sucks and is still playing in public for attention. As crazy and angry as this guy is – he’s 100% right. Enjoy!
Today, I saw Baker churning butter at Amish Fest 2013 in Upper North West Bushwick where nobody is actually Amish but dress like it during their Brooklyn playcations. So I dragged him by his red beard to my human sling shot and fired him into the toxic Newtown Creek where he dissolved along with the Greenpoint Kayak Club that I had drowned earlier this morning. End of story.
Score one for the FDNY and real New Yorkers. Last Friday, a derelict boat docked at 190 Morgan Ave in Bushwick that had between 20 and 30 filthy hipsters living on it had open fire pits; drum circles; and blue-grass band shows, was shut down by the FDNY after an anonymous complaint. Good thing I’m not in charge – I would’ve sunk it with a torpedo. These hipsters simply can’t get enough of the toxic waterways in Brooklyn: the Newtown Creek and the Gowanus Canal. Trust me, the Calebs, Ethans and Zooeys on this boat could most likely easily call Mom and Dad or dip into their trust funds to live in an over-priced Bushpointburg apartment but chose to live and play on this dirty vessel because they are the masters of pseudo urban grittiness. And we all know if something were to happen to these emaciated breardos during little their Bushwick boat adventure, Mommy Nasalworth back in Wisconsin would be suing the property owner and the city in a heartbeat for irresponsibly letting her talented little artist get hurt. These kind of stories - where fully grown adults who came to pussify Brooklyn, and have their fun ruined – make me so happy. Get the fuck outta here already.