ZIPPER: GO SEE IT

zipper3The director, Amy Nicholson, of a documentary that came out this summer called “Zipper” emailed me to ask if I could post the info for a special one-night screening on October 30th. It has already played one night at the IFC in Manhattan over the summer. Zipper is about a popular ride in Coney Island and its crew that had to shut down operation, among so many other amusements, because of the greed, politics and rezoning that’s been happening in Coney for the past several years. My first reaction was “sure, I’ll post it” – but then I saw where it was going to be played; right in the heart of fucking bearded bread stick land: The Nitehawk Cinema in Williamsburg.

I emailed her back and said something like “why would I advertise for a theater in Hipster World that’s going to play a film about Coney – so they could come down to ‘discover, explore and pioneer’ still-normal Brooklyn and ruin it too?” But she replied with two things: one is that right now it was the only theatre she could get into and two is that it’s sort of an “in your face” to the gentrification crowd to see their reaction to what re-zoning and greed (which is usually the product of hipsters and faux-artists moving into an area but wasn’t the case this time with Coney) can do to a historic place and a place that so many people love and call home. She also sent me a link to watch the movie in it’s entirety and it was fucking awesome. I really loved it. So with all that, she changed my mind.

So hopefully this teaches the nasally, smug, moneyed, culture vacuuming , gentrifying hipster set something; OR – next summer in Coney will we start to see: Cornfield Caleb opening a sustainable bicycle pedal-powered cotton candy stand; or Midwest Molly selling bacon and whiskey infused granola next to Not Mexican Ned’s El Moo-cho El Au-then-teeko fish taco truck; or 34 year old trustfunded Hayseed Hayden applying to be bat boy for the Cyclones at MCU Park; or Hungover Heidi selling hive-to-jar honey made from the bees she keeps under the boardwalk that she tames with the smoke from her cool hand-rolled cigarettes; or pseudo-Activist Ashley handing out Save Coney fliers just hours before her flight back to Wisconsin leaves because her parents won’t pay for her Brooklyn playcation anymore; or Zany Zane demanding that Nathan’s start carrying cruelty-free oxygen flavored hotdogs??? We’ll see.

Anyway, I urge you to go. Hey, plenty of people that read my site are real Brooklynites and New Yorkers, so tell some of your friends about the film, venture out to fake Brooklyn and go take some seats away from the hipsters and watch an amazing documentary. You can even make an entire night out of it; give some hipsters dirty looks, slash some rusty Schwinn bicycle tires and cut the brake lines of bikes that are chained everywhere; throw some M-80s into cafes full of overly-tattooed praying mantis physiqued creative types vapidly gazing into their Macbooks; order a $100 of vegan food from a hipster food truck and just walk away or go drop some of your own organic chocolate directly from your ass in the middle of Ye Olde Mast Brothers chocolate shoppe. Like I said, make it a night!

zipperposter

Here is the info and a trailer:

Newest Amateurish Banksy Stencil “Art” DISSED within minutes!

“Artist” Banksy is doing a one-a-day stencil piece in a new secret location each day somewhere in NYC this month. As we saw a few days ago, he did one in East NY and the locals quickly parted the hipsters who came to photograph it from their money. This morning he released the location of today’s stencil and within a couple of hours two guys walked right up to it as all the hipsters were gawking at it and snapping pictures and dissed it with a can of black spray paint! I love it!

banksy-dissed

Humpty Dumpty hates on street musician.

Wow, this troll-like man needs to be unleashed in Bushpointburg to let all the hipsters know how invasive, talentless and useless they really are. Ok, the guy playing the trumpet or whatever that instrument is, is really not what we think of as hipsters judging by his looks. The only thing hipsterish about him is that he sucks and is still playing in public for attention. As crazy and angry as this guy is – he’s 100% right. Enjoy!

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Baker churning butter at Amish Fest 2013 in Upper North West Bushwick where nobody is actually Amish but dress like it during their Brooklyn playcations. So I dragged him by his red beard to my human sling shot and fired him into the toxic Newtown Creek where he dissolved along with the Greenpoint Kayak Club that I had drowned earlier this morning. End of story.

They should’ve sunk this hipster boat.

derelictboatScore one for the FDNY and real New Yorkers. Last Friday, a derelict boat docked at 190 Morgan Ave in Bushwick that had between 20 and 30 filthy hipsters living on it had open fire pits; drum circles; and blue-grass band shows, was shut down by the FDNY after an anonymous complaint. Good thing I’m not in charge – I would’ve sunk it with a torpedo. These hipsters simply can’t get enough of the toxic waterways in Brooklyn: the Newtown Creek and the Gowanus Canal. Trust me, the Calebs, Ethans and Zooeys on this boat could most likely easily call Mom and Dad or dip into their trust funds to live in an over-priced Bushpointburg apartment but chose to live and play on this dirty vessel because they are the masters of pseudo urban grittiness. And we all know if something were to happen to these emaciated breardos during little their Bushwick boat adventure, Mommy Nasalworth back in Wisconsin would be suing the property owner and the city in a heartbeat for irresponsibly letting her talented little artist get hurt. These kind of stories - where fully grown adults who came to pussify Brooklyn, and have their fun ruined – make me so happy. Get the fuck outta here already.

LinkDNAinfo.com: FDNY Shuts Down Hipster Party Boat

Hipsters flock to East NY to see Banksy beaver art; locals take advantage.

You’ve probably heard of Banksy by now; he’s somehow become a sensational “street artist” for his stupid wheat paste and stencil art graffiti. I don’t see what the fuss is – but he is a big hit with the hipsters and gentrifiers. The other day the ‘Great Banksy’ went for extra grit and went to da hood in East NY to draw a beaver who gnawed a parking sign. So deep. Anyway, once hipsters got word of this “art” they flocked over there as if their lives and parental gentrification allowances depended on it. But the locals did something really great – they are charging the idiotic hipster culture vultures $20 to snap meaningless pictures. Now that’s art! Can you believe they are actually paying to take pictures of this shit? But hey – when you have infinite leisure time and unlimited funding – what else is there to do???

Link: Gawker.com – East NY’ers charging hipsters to take photo of a beaver.

Link: Gothamist.com – Hipsters paying $20 to locals to take Banksy pics.

They’ve gathered in Ohio – and will soon invade Brooklyn.

We all know, for the most part, that the Midwest has been the largest breeding ground for hipsters. And here’s more proof. Over the summer, a huge group of (age range seems to be 25 – 43) unique yet identical hipsters for the most part gathered in Cleveland, Ohio for festival where everybody wins; kind of like when they all got ribbons and trophies for coming in 10th place in sports as kids. Now though, all you have to do is splatter paint on a canvas, or strum a few chords on a guitar or simply have sleeve tattoos and thick framed glasses and you are accepted into this Romper Room. I have a feeling that about 65% of this group in the video will be in Brooklyn within 18 months – somehow paying $2500 Bushwick rents while rolling up and down streets on skateboards with a latte in their hand; or selling bacon-infused granola at Smorgasburg; or being a part-time worm compost instructor; or simply not working at all! And please pay attention to the guy who looks like a rain drop would flatten him between 2:41 – 2:25 in the video.

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Local Logan the Lumberjack – who because of his calamari tentacle physique only has strength to deal with lumber of the popsicle stick and toothpick variety – buying organic beard wax made from Harrison’s Bushwick Beehive Collective’s sustainable bees. So I slathered him in Alpo and Peter Luger sauce and locked him in his $1.2 million condo that I had previously filled with starving pitbulls. End of story.

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw 35 year old Maddox setting up his stoop sale table in front of his $2150/month studio in Bushwick full of G.I Joe and Voltron action figures that his Mommy U-Hauled in from Indiana for his 18 month anniversary of moving to Brooklyn to be a “vibrant creative type”. So I offered him a local, red sustainable cigar which was an M-80 and watched his oily, lice bearded hipster head explode. End of story.

Hipster Matthew Silver is now performing for PRE-SCHOOLERS.

In the past, I’ve destroyed this “wannabe zany” attention-starved interloper named Matthew Silver.

http://diehipster.wordpress.com/2012/07/12/real-brooklynites-just-dont-understand-art/

http://diehipster.wordpress.com/2012/08/16/breaking-news-attention-seeker-finds-sought-after-attention/

http://diehipster.wordpress.com/2012/07/12/real-brooklynites-just-dont-understand-art/

So the other day “quirky” Matthew is doing his usual Union Square “performance art” which is neither a performance or art and who walks by? A group of pre-schoolers on a field trip. So instead of learning something, seeing some nice architecture, or seeing a REAL street performer with talent, their poor little eyes were exposed to baby Matthew in his filthy green speedos that he wears everyday acting less mature than the children themselves. Now Matthew, I know you’re reading this and I know you want to come out with your defense that is - “I’m only trying to be a free spirit and put a smile on people’s faces“. No, Matthew you dirty fuck – what you don’t understand is that for every smile you get there are 25 people wanting to beat you into a coma. Do the math – it wasn’t meant to be.

You see, Matthew will swear up and down that he’s not a hipster but hmmm, let’s see:

He is an attention-starved kidult; he has a filthy lice beard; he lives in Bushwick and believes he is some sort of performer/producer/creative director; he’s a transplant (which is not the problem unless you also fall into other hipster categories like he does); and he has the physique of Sophia Petrillo - the character Estelle Getty played as Dorothy’s mother on Golden Girls.

So uhm, yeah, you are a fucking hipster Matthew. Just end your stupid act already; how long can you yell, moan, and jump around as you toss your props into the air in your dirty underwear. It’s not funny or cool or deep or meaningful or ANYTHING. One day the father of some kid is going to seriously confront you and put on a REAL show as he breaks every bone in your frail unwashed body.

 

 

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