The Steamed Milker Band - Take the money from Mom This here's a story 'bout Billyburg Josh and Molly Sue Two middle aged hipsters - moved to Brooklyn to be cool They sit around the loft, eat kale, and watch Youtube And here's what happened when their parents cut them loose They headed down to, ooh, old El Bushwick That's where they ran into other fake Beatniks Billyburg Josh, has the physique of a broomstick Molly Sue got some money from mom Go on take the money from mom Go on take the money from mom Go on take the money from mom Go on take the money from mom Billyburg Zack suffers from nasalitis You know he's an artist - but needs a lot of practice He ain't gonna let nobody know he's useless He makes his livin' off selling moustache waxes. Molly Sue - like, yah - she's molding clay. Billyburg Josh is straight - but passes for gay. They got Mom's money, hey You know they got their way They still running from the hipster beater 'til this day Singin', go on take the money from mom. Go on take the money from mom Go on take the money from mom Go on take the money from mom Go on take the money from mom Go on take the money from mom Go on take the money from mom
Today, I saw Ace, the 29 year old, Gorton’s Fisherman bearded skateboarder turned Ye Olde Brooklyn Blacksmith from Nebraska walking through Park Slope in his Upper Middle Class homeless costume. So I went to Ace Hardware, bought a nail gun and fastened him to the center lane of the BQE. End of story.
Today, I heard Terence the 32 year old fluorescent lightbulb-legged gentrifier say he was going to start pogo-sticking to his apprentice cupcake icing job to reduce his carbon footprint. So I left my Timberland footprint on his sunken-in, inbred, red bearded face. End of story.
Time to make the artisanal, hand-crafted, biodegradable, cruelty-free, locally-sourced, organically-curated, sustainable, cage-free fucking donuts bitches!
Hahaaaa! I’m so happy because this week a Dunkin’ Donuts opened up on Bedford Avenue smack in the middle of hipster central. Rebel and ‘freelance photographer’ Abby Ross said “it’s awful” as she sat on the DD bench drinking a cup of ka-fee from a hipster ka-fee shop. She also said about her ka-fee that “It’s better and it’s local, I like the small guys.” Oh please shut the fuck up ‘Abby’ you gentrifying lemming - you probably arrived here 4 years ago from Nebraska living out your “Friends” or “Sex and the City” fantasy as you “freelance” yet some how live in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in America.
Yeah yeah, hipsters say they hate corporations – except of course Apple, Converse, Rayban, and whatever airline flew them into New York from their home state. These people are complaining about something they started – soooo ironic deeeeeeeeed! Don’t they know that before they came and ruined Brooklyn there were small stores run by local people? That’s right you stupid fucks – you didn’t invent ‘local’! I really hope this is the beginning of a trend and more uncool stores keep opening and ruining their playcations. When are these kidults going to get it; where ever they go - the rents go up, the condos get built, the chains move in: but its always the hipster that starts the cycle. Always.
[lyrics begin at 00:42) <intro>I am Iowa man! Has he a rooftop hive? Can he see with shades all the time? Can he play kickball? Why is he an attention-whore? Does he eat gluten-free bread? Has he lice within his head? Will he comb his hair? With no job, why should he care? He - rides - his Big Wheel Around McCarren Park kickball field Infinite - leisure time To make childish art and nasally whine. Natives don't want him, We put a scare in his world Waiting for rent checks, That he'll use to buy hurl Now 12 noon is here Iowa Man will have a beer Vengeance from the "nabe" From the people he displaced Natives don't want him, They just want him dead Nobody helps him, Except Mom in the Midwest <solo> Heavy pipes of lead Crashing down upon his head The Hipster Beater stole his Schwinn Iowa Man ruined Brooklynnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!
The other day in the whimsical land of Nieuw Breuckelen, a so-called comedian named “Kyle” (shocker) - who you’ll see in a video below is simply a self-admitted parentally subsidized suburban typical Williamsburg hipster transplant – went up to his good old roof top and saw some hipster couple breaking up; so he decided to ‘live-Tweet’ it. The whole thing is pretty pathetic but I guess one of his wanna-be media type friends picked up on it and it ended up going viral. The only thing missing from this story is a rooftop organic potato and beet garden. Here is one of the tweets quoting the ‘guy’ in the break-up; it kind of sums up a lot about what we already know about the hipster species:
Yes, “guy”. You are right – now take all your friends with you, you space-wasting bearded transient fuck. So anyway as you read this, the ‘girl’ is probably on a flight back to her cul-de-sac in Michigan with her $300 NYC Bartenders School License that she got scammed for; the ’guy’ is probably sleeping and surrounded by empty PBR cans in his $2750 apartment that he somehow pays for with his part-time creative assistant job he skateboards to 3 days a week; and Kyle the comedian is working on his new stand-up routine based on his 15 min of “live-Tweet” fame he received. Here he is admitting to many things mentioned on this site; notice a lot of the nervous laughter coming from the audience which is probably 98% hipster.
Check out these pictures of Colby with his early Christmas present sent in from Mommy in Culdesacia, Wisconsin. These clueless gentrifiers really do think they are back home in their rustic little towns where the smell of Mom’s Rice Krispy treats waft through the constantly opened front door of their McMansion. Notice how this jockey whip-armed gentrifier is so pre-occupied with his music, i-Phone and some advertisement (probably one of those “Work from Home and earn $500/day!” ads) that he’s vapidly gawking at. I’m really surprised that in that last picture you don’t see someone walking off with his precious Mac that he will use to mix his totally awesome indie rawk music on and post Craigslist Missed Connection ads with.