Now here is “Shit NATIVE New Yorker’s Say”. Love that they threw in “fuckin’ hipsters”. It really is sad how this city is practically becoming a pussified liberal arts school campus/playground for transplanted adult toddlers. You know, Coney Island – in the first half of the 20th century - was called America’s Playground. That’s OK because it’s an actual amusement park and beach. There was nothing like it at the time. Now though, entire working class neighborhoods where normal people just want to live, raise families and not prance around like rock stars and artists are being turned into expensive adult hipster playgrounds. Fucking sad man.

Once again, it’s time to play – Complete that picture! Above is a picture of only a small portion of a hipster on the train. To play this game you must complete this picture by describing the rest of his appearance among other things like name, age, occupation, hobbies, where he lives, where he’s actually from, and what’s in his bag. I’ll go first – you can just copy and paste my list into the comment section – erase my answers and use it as a template.

Rest of Appearance: Robin Hood hat, all-season Al-Qaeda scarf, small star tattoo behind ear, I Heart Bushwick t-shirt.

Name: Owen

Age: 31

Occupation: Full-time L/G Train Rider — Part-time Flea Market Doorman

Hobbies: Urban yodeling, worm composting, writing poetry in coffee shops with inkwell and feather from Robin Hood hat.

Lives now: With performance artist girlfriend in affordable $4,200 three family studio in Greenpoint with views of Exxon/Mobile oil spill.

Is actually from: Gosper County, Nebraska

What’s in the man purse?: Yodeling on desolate and edgy industrial Bushwick streets for Dummies book, fair trade coffee-scented Purell hand sanitizer, cage-free vegan popcorn for West Bushwick Rooftop indie film festival.

YOUR TURN!

NOT BROOKLYN

So here is his e-mail and the pictures.

Went to a friend’s birthday gathering at The Alligator Lounge on Metropolitan ave near the BQE the other night. I hadn’t been to the “cool” part of Brooklyn in a while. My friend thought I brought my camera for his birthday, but I knew i’d be bringing it for the hipsters.
Thought you might like these two:
1) The guy we dubbed “Disco Ball Man”. He paced up and down the bar all night, pretending to get better reception for phone calls by the exit. I think he just wanted to strut his stuff in his bling’ed out attire.
2) Wannabe homeless dude. This bar had a pizza oven (free personal pie with every drink) right next to the pool table. They also had the heat on blast. I was in just a button-down shirt, with my short hair and clean shaven face, and I was hot as balls in there. This guy was draped in wool with long hair and a beard. Not to mention he was moving around to shoot pool. I was sweating from just looking at him.

This article has it all – to raise your blood pressure that is. It has a beardo with cliche asian girl friend. It mentions Seattle, Brooklyn, Portland, organic farming, not wanting to be around yuppies and hipsters while denying you are one and simply quitting your jobs to ironically go farming with struggling people in the enemy RED STATES.

I’ll sum up this story but you should still read the article.

It starts out with beardo telling us he is an “occasional poet and part-time barista” (but you’re not a hipster, right?) who recently ‘resigned’ from the latter while telling his well-to-do girlfriends’ father – a defense attorney and professor – that they are quitting their jobs [hobbies] and going organic farming down south to be part of some work-for-food and shelter exchange program. These transient gentrifying douches were raised in Seattle, met and dated while exploring the magical land of Brooklyn, and moved to Portland. How unique and whimsical! What could they have possibly contributed to Brooklyn while they staycationed here? What I ask you. All they could have possible done was raised rents, displaced normal Brooklynites and forked over some of their allowance to local and sustainable fucking hipster cupcake stores.

While farming through out the summer – or pretending to – they end up pissing off southern locals by eating their pickles, drinking their coffee and finally being tricked into eating catfood tortillas. When they are finally done with adding “organic farming in Red States” to their hipster/yuppy resumes, they head back to the Pacific Northwest to be taken care of by their parents once again in Portlandia as they approach mid-life. The End.

Link – Salon.com: Escape to the Red States

How do you explain the invasion of hipster adults to Brooklyn if you go by this study? You mean to tell me that all these hipsters and yupsters all coincidentally love the same things and decided that Brooklyn was the perfect place to all join forces? Please. You mean to tell me all these people just happen to have beards; moustaches; fedoras; sleeve tattoos; tight jeans; Converse sneakers, like organic local sustainable groceries, vinyl records, vintage everything, bike lanes, pickling, disgusting beers, Macbooks, looking dirty, bed head hair-do’s, cage free chickens, banjos, post-modern horrific art, skate boarding at age 38, canoeing down the toxic Gowanus etc, etc???? Yeah OK.

Link: ABC News – Hipsters Decoded