D I E H I P S T E R . C O M

The End.

diehipster — Sat, 05 Jan 2013 15:09:51 +0000

Dear Fellow Brookynites, New Yorkers & hipster haters abroad:

This will be the last post – most likely forever. It’s been a pleasure exposing these fucking frauds over the years while making you laugh and helping you vent. The truth is, I simply can’t take these people anymore – to the point that I don’t even want to write about them on a regular basis. It’s too depressing, nauseating, and aggravating. It’s bad enough seeing them when I leave my neighborhood or reading about them in the media.

These self-absorbed, attention-starved, talentless, pseudo-creative, wanna-be city types have sterilized, homogenized and erased any real culture in parts of Brooklyn beyond belief and I don’t see it getting any better anytime soon. Sure, many of these hipsters have read my site and felt the pain of being exposed as out-of-place annoyances – but all they need to do to feel better is run around the corner to the nearest gentrification latte shop or quirky food joint or bike lane or gallery or kickball field and see mirror images of their “unique” selves. Then they temporarily forget about us obstructive natives who don’t understand city living the way a bearded guy named Reid or Caleb does who arrived here from Minnesota or Oregon with a trust fund and a dream 3 years and 2 months ago.

These culdesacian culture vultures have basically destroyed art and music just about to the point of irreparable. The price of such simple things like rent, coffee and certain foods have doubled and tripled because of these zany cockrag hipster fucks who glorify everything as if they discovered it. These smug, parentally funded interloping idiots pay $11 for two poached eggs and a leaf of fucking kale – and not on Park Avenue but in working class Brooklyn neighborhoods!!! Pizza, pudding, tacos and cupcakes are now earth-shattering, tastier than ever items (according to hipster wannabe foodies who have infiltrated the media) because some sickly-looking, heavily-tattooed, garage rock band failure who arrives to work via pogo stick or unicycle makes it?

And I guess you can say that these hipsters truly are the masters of irony; their claim is to: keep it real; organic; local; small-time; underground; and non-commercial, YET – Brooklyn has become one of the biggest fucking commercials of the country if not the world thanks to these transient try-hards! Isn’t it IRONIC??????

So although, wishfully, in the back of my head I thought this website would somewhat prevent the spread of hipsters into southern parts of Brooklyn, they’ve managed to ooze a little below Prospect Park around the Ditmas/Cortelyou area. I really don’t think they’ll be going much further south and if so, it’ll be a long, long, long time before they thoroughly take over places like Dyker, Bay Ridge, Borough Park, Bensonhurst, Gravesend, Sheepshead Bay, and Marine Park.

I’m going to keep the site up for an indefinite amount of time for people to read through older posts but comments will be closed. I’ll still be commenting/bashing here and there on hipster run sites and on other media (that don’t ban me or erase my comments) that love to glorify these assholes. And please feel free to share things like pictures, videos, articles and your thoughts with me via my email which is DIEHIPSTERS (at) GMAIL (dot) COM or on Twitter which is @hipsterbeatings. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you all for reading and supporting over the years and a MASSIVE FUCK YOU to the hipsters!

Stay strong [real] Brooklyn!

Today’s hipster beating.

diehipster — Tue, 01 Jan 2013 15:17:23 +0000

Today, I saw Keegan and Logan stumbling back to their $2800 a month loft in their 19th century barber and paperboy outfits after celebrating another year of funemployment and Brooklyn homogenization by drinking cruelty-free champagne in which the grapes were asked nicely to juice themselves rather than being stomped; and eating local, organic Bushwickian cheese laced with red beard hair and American Spirit cigarette ashes. So I gave them each an uppercut; ran their brochure-like bodies through a paper shredder and tossed the confetti around my still normal and actually diverse neighborhood. End of story.

Today’s hipster beating.

diehipster — Sun, 23 Dec 2012 18:39:07 +0000

Today, I saw an antler-shaped, Brooklyn-sterilizing, red-bearded hipster transplant selling $12.00 a cup cruelty-free, locally-crafted eggnog to his fellow infinite leisure time, thick eyeglass framed gentrifiers. So I painted my Louisville Slugger like a candy cane and ran around Williamsburg bashing everybody’s faces in before they head back to Culdesacia, USA for the holidays to recharge their trust funds, credit cards and checking accounts. End of story.

Hasidim Hipsters: Punk Jews

diehipster — Sun, 23 Dec 2012 14:18:16 +0000

Growing up here, I saw only a handful of Orthodox Jews become reformed; it’s very rare but bound to happen to a few. On the other hand, going Hasidim to hipster simply seems impossible – yet it’s happening – sort of. There is a group of Punk Jews that also call themselves “X-O’s” (Ex-Orthodox) yet they don’t bother me. Why? Because they have a lot to run from or rebel against as far as lifestyles go. Their family and community beliefs have them wearing the same black and white clothing, the hats, the hair, the food, the music, the rituals, etc; it’s a very strict lifestyle that some may get tired of or even jealous when they see people who aren’t religious doing whatever they want. So all in all, I sort of get it. Last but not least, they also are real New Yorkers.

Link - Haaretz.com: Hasidim Hipsters

Now let’s take a look the common hipster transplant that we despise so very much. These Calebs and Cadences, Zachs and Zoeys grew up non-Orthodox in any way in their happy little suburb towns; getting whatever they wanted. They wore regular clothing; any kind of sneakers; any kind of haircut; ate whatever they wanted – whenever they wanted; hung out in malls; maybe went to church, maybe didn’t. Now these Romper Roomers become adults and want to infiltrate our city with their rebellious hipster bullshit??? Rebelling from what? Wearing “look at me” clothing for what? Creepy beards and moustaches for what? Farming in a city for what? Pretending to be vegan for what? Toting around instruments for what? Sitting in cafes and staring into computers for what? Bike lane culture for what? Pretending to be artists and actors for what? Of course to us they’ve all conformed and look the same to us, but to themselves, they are all different and unique individuals.

What the fuck are they rebelling against? They’ve had it easier than anyone in America for crying out loud.

Arty the Seal says…

diehipster — Thu, 20 Dec 2012 14:24:35 +0000

Yet another irritating and pointless Kickstarter campaign has been launched; this time by Howard (the female) and Bland (the kazoo-voiced male) to install art chairs attached to all the scaffolding around the city. Let’s hear what Art the Seal has to say about this:

LINK – http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1335098906/softwalks-the-pilot-project?ref=category

TRANSLATION: This is not ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART you infinite leisure time interlopers. This is absolutely stupid and even potentially dangerous. What kind of real New Yorker (human or seal) has the time or desire to sit on a chair attached to a scaffold in the middle of the day??? We don’t. The only people that would are staycationing Calebs, Harrisons, Quinns, Mollys and Megans as they stroll from latte shop to gallery to overpriced boutique without anything to do during normal working hours or on break during their ‘creative jobs’. This is not art. If I simply dumped a couple of old chairs that I didn’t want anymore near a scaffold – would anyone say “hey look, it’s art!” NO! Because it’s not. Just listen to that video as they talk about this project with such importance as if they are going to restructure the entire subway system. The sense of entitlement is sickening; they want to change how we look at our city. THEY WANT TO CHANGE IT FOR US! THEY THINK THEY KNOW WHAT WE WANT! Just listen to them. And for pledging $5.00 you get a virtual hug! These perpetual and ceaseless kidults make me so sick with their projects and mentalities. Please go back to your one-horse towns and play with art over there. You have homogenized this city beyond belief already.

The December 2012 “LOOK AT ME” Award

diehipster — Tue, 18 Dec 2012 06:06:12 +0000

With many options as how to transport this upright bass, the attention-needing hipster chose to display it to everyone on his bike ride.

“LOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEEEE!!!!”

Today’s hipster beating.

diehipster — Mon, 17 Dec 2012 18:08:42 +0000

Today, I saw Ethan the tweezer-physiqued, self-proclaimed ‘foodie’ typing up a freelance review of Bushwick’s own premiere forest-to-table restaurant called the Quirky Quail where heavily tattooed and bearded chef Mason Bedbuggio prepares the wild birds for the neighborhood’s newly arrived creative types. So I followed Ethan home and before he could blow his rape whistle I kicked him in the jaw and suffocated him with his Whole Foods messenger bag. End of story.

More savings from BROKElyn.com: Weekday Brunches

diehipster — Fri, 14 Dec 2012 13:45:24 +0000

A few weeks ago I posted some really good deals on apartment rentals like $4995 per month in Williamsburg as advertised on the website Brokelyn.com – the website for newly arrived, money-conscious hipsters struggling in the magical land of Brooklyn. Well the other day they wanted to reach out to those certain poor strugglers who eat brunch between Monday and Friday during working hours and point them in the direction of some real bargains such as:

Cafe Ghia in Bushwick – Vegan Scrambled Eggs with Kale and Tofu – only $10. Wash it down with a $7.00 bloody mary. Just be careful though, if the hipster beater sees you eating that pretension-on-a-plate you might be using a Louisville Slugger as a toothpick to get the kale out of your teeth.

Robertas Pizza in Bushwick - Ah yes, good old Robertas. Here you can score a bacon egg and cheese on a roll for a mere $9.00 instead of $2.50 at a regular deli. Why are you going to pay more at Robertas? Because the sandwich is ‘hand-crafted’ by a fucking beardo from Chatanooga you dumbass, that’s why. Ask your waiter about their local rooftop kale – the offical vegetable of the Brooklyn hipster.

Egg in Williamsburg – Put on your all-season scarf, your darkest indoor shades, and your tightest jeans because you are about to eat $9.00 pancakes sprinkled with Vermont maple syrup baby! Coffee has been reduced to only $3.00 a cup! Fill’er up Cadence!

Now remember, don’t thank me, thank the team at Brokelyn.com: helping funemployed poor gentrifiers find $17.00 brunches at 1pm on Tuesdays.

Link: Brokelyn.com – Brooklyn’s Best Affordable Brunch Spots

Today’s hipster beating.

diehipster — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 21:42:43 +0000

Today, I saw Terrence the Vienna sausage-limbed, funemployed redbeard walking to his $3,200 apartment to eat locally sourced cupcakes and style his hair to look like he just woke up for tonight’s community vote on chicken coops in the ‘nabe’. So I slipped on my brass knuckles and fired myself out of a cannon fist first right into the back of his skull. End of story.

Bike lanes are so 2012; this car is so Brooklyn 2013 – YAH!

diehipster — Tue, 11 Dec 2012 19:47:09 +0000

I know hipsters love riding around on their rickety old bicycles, fixed gear Penny Farthings, and 12 foot long boards – but this car ad may change everything. Act now Caleb!

Link : Craigslist Hipster Car Ad

It’s time to hit the trust fund. For a mere $18,000, you could be driving the most authentic, urban-chic whip in town. All your friends will know you have been through interesting hardships when they see the mangled wiring reaching out of your empty dashboard. Your Brooklyn cred will go unchallenged when your passengers have to push shattered glass off their seats to get a lift to their loft apartments.

Of course there is no stereo anymore, so you can listen to all your newly emerging, obscure, independent music right from your MacBook on the way to your favorite foreign film cinema. How convenient is that? Everyone will know how fervently you reject consumerism when you never have to lock your doors, because everything worth stealing has already been stolen, and the most expensive window is already broken. Your vintage combat boots and thrift store plaid shirts will look even cooler when they are accentuated by cigarette burns that cover every inch of the upholstery. You can tell people they all came from American Spirit cigarettes.

You know you are too cool for the lame “mainstream” brand-new cars available in this price range. This 15-year old Pontiac has a burnt orange finish that nobody has ever seen before or even wanted! The exterior is marred by so many scratches and minor accident damage that no one else will ever have anything like it again. Think of how ironic it will be when your tailpipe is held on by a shoestring. A Doc Martin shoestring. Plus, there is so much dirt in the trunk you can get started on your own traveling organic garden.

So put down your micro-brew, button up your skinny jeans and head over to Bushwick. Get this car before everyone figures out how cool it really is.

ps – I am including a picture of the guy who stole your stereo, so if you see him, you can thank him for the unique appearance he brought to the interior.

Location: Brooklyn