Category Archives: Today's hipster beating.

Today, I saw a baguette-legged, parentally-enabled, Rolly Fingers-moustached hipster nasally shrieking into his phone for all to hear about his new concept of painting art on the yoga mats of the infinite leisure-time Megans of Williamsburg for only $125 per … Continue reading →

Today, as they left the flea market where they shopped during normal people working hours – I overheard 32 year old Walker tell 34 year old Hayden how he is trying to find a zany pair of 80′s vintage color-changing … Continue reading →

Today, I saw a funemployed, fedora-wearing, fruit roll-up physiqued fauxhemian using a typewriter in a gentrification cafe. So I artisanally removed his tonsils with a locally-sourced chainsaw. End of story.

Today, I saw Brody Beardington and Yokosakimoto Smith (his CEO Dad banged a Japanese chick on a business trip) playing in the hurricane floods like attention-starved children knowing they can be transported back to their suburban cul-de-sacs in 24 hours if things got too bad … Continue reading →

Today, I set up a fair trade, organic, locally-roasted coffee stand in Bushpointburg with a sign that said ‘Free cup if your name is Josh’. So when the line got 375 hipsters long, I cracked the first one in the … Continue reading →

Today, I saw a Converse-clad pool cue with a Pringle Man moustache named Xander who was selling hand-painted artisanal pumpkins on the train as hundreds of hipster hating real Brooklynites were going to real jobs. So I snatched his murse, … Continue reading →

Today, I saw Hamilton the churro-limbed barista understudy serenading Tabitha under the window of her $500,000 Bed-Stuy condo that she magically bought working so hard as a Whole Foods window display art production assistant. So I stapled his eyelids to … Continue reading →

Today, I saw Harrison waving his turkey baster arm to hail a cab to go from an East Village art gallery to a Bushwick rooftop performance art turnip farm. So I carjacked a taxi; picked Harrison up; strangled him with … Continue reading →

Today, I saw Logan the locavore taking a train that ran local to the “nabe’s” local rooftop garden to buy locally sourced vegetables. So I took him to the local junkyard and locally crushed him in a car compactor. End … Continue reading →

Today, I saw Chase with his bushy red beard, Henry Kissinger glasses, and incense stick legs ordering a six-foot escarole and artisanal mayo hero sandwich for the Kickball Championship awards ceremony where he would receive a trophy for striking out … Continue reading →