Today, I saw Wagner the smug, gentrifying, kale-eating fucking yup signing for a FedEx Tube delivery containing blue prints for his new condo building being built on a working class block in West Greenpoint Gardens. So I gave him a quick right cross to his sunken-in face; stuffed his marionette-shaped body into the FedEx tube with a few cups of gun powder and fired him like a Roman Candle over the Williamsburg, Manhattan, Brooklyn and Verrazano Bridges back to Wisconsin. End of story.
Look at this whiny, Q-tip limbed, entitled cyclist fuck with his standard-issue hipster beard & thick frames. Nobody will ever know, but I’m sure prior to the confrontation he was probably doing something to taunt and provoke the driver; trying to prove that cyclists should have more rights than cars. I can’t help laughing when reading this part of the article:
“He was making threats at me at this point in time, indicating that he had martial arts experience and could take me down,” says Hoey.”He did pull my hand into the car. I managed to free it, and in freeing it pulled some papers out from his passenger side seat and threw them on the sidewalk.”
Hoey said the motorist then tried to drive his vehicle into him, before getting out of his car and twisting Hoey’s arm behind his back.That’s when Hoey says a handful of witnesses pulled the motorist off of him, and police were called to investigate.
They call this twerp a “cyclist” but what I think he is 35 year old bike messenger who can’t do shit with his $100,000 liberal art school diploma. If you notice he has some sort of document tube sticking out his back pack and he drops his radio when the guy almost snaps his windshield wiper arm.
Check out this surveillance video from a deli in Williamsburg. It seems that the Brooklyn gentrification blogs that Zach, Caleb and Harrison read back in Whitepicketfencia, USA didn’t inform them to not make eye contact with real NY kids and to just keep your fucking mouth shut when buying your $14 six pack of craft ale dressed like the hacky-sack champion of Ohio. I think the funniest part of this video is how the music changes from that monotone slit-your-wrist hipster music to gangster rap the moment that kid jumps into the picture and cracks Zach in the jaw – then changes back to depressing hipster music when they leave. Hysterical.
Today, I saw 31 year old, celery-physiqued Tristan telling the mailman that just delivered his gentrification allowance check from Wisconsin that he could design him an artisanal, retro, rolling letter carrier made from sustainable Peruvian sheep’s wool and salvaged wood from a 1871 Gowanus Canal shipwreck with his unlimited amount of leisure time during his 27 month Brooklyn playcation. So I used his parent’s check to give him 1000 paper cuts and sealed him in a barrel of salt, lemon juice and vinegar & rolled him onto the Belt Parkway. End of story.
Today, I saw a ChapStick-limbed, Abraham Lincoln bearded, food truck ‘curator’ sipping his zany Sriracha sauce flavored latte. So I Krazy glued his eyelids to the curb and ran him over with a street sweeper. End of story.
Today, I saw Brody adjusting his fluorescent pink leg warmers before walking into a Wisconsin-themed coffee shop/adult craft center in Bushwick where he will sit all day with his MacBook pretending to be a playwright. So since he was cold, I wrapped him in a 28ft long, gasoline-soaked ‘hand-crafted’ scarf and used a vintage Zippo lighter to ignite him and turn him into a burnt matchstick. End of story.
Today, I saw Palmer, Brice, Hamilton, and Hayden heading over to the new McCarren Park ice skating rink to play mid-work day, re-purposed hockey using umbrellas as sticks and an old vegan donut as a puck. So I stepped onto the ice with my Jason mask and asked to be goalie; when they all nasally said “sherrrr deeeeed” in unison, I took off a skate and decapitated them. End of story.
Today, I thought I saw a pilgrim from the Mayflower wandering around Brooklyn but it was actually Quaid who dresses like that all year long for attention who decided not to go back to the Midwest for Thanksgiving. So I stapled his fruit roll-up limbs to a wall and began firing 20lb rock hard frozen turkeys at him with my giant slingshot. End of story.
Today, I saw Ace, the 29 year old, Gorton’s Fisherman bearded skateboarder turned Ye Olde Brooklyn Blacksmith from Nebraska walking through Park Slope in his Upper Middle Class homeless costume. So I went to Ace Hardware, bought a nail gun and fastened him to the center lane of the BQE. End of story.
Today, I heard Terence the 32 year old fluorescent lightbulb-legged gentrifier say he was going to start pogo-sticking to his apprentice cupcake icing job to reduce his carbon footprint. So I left my Timberland footprint on his sunken-in, inbred, red bearded face. End of story.