This Week’s i-Stole Report

mugger-63571228It’s been a while since I posted some North Brooklyn i-Stole reports from the Brooklyn Paper. This week had some gems of clueless culdesacians getting their shit jacked. When will they learn they aren’t in an Iowan Dairy Queen parking lot any more? Here we go:


A thief walked into a Bedford Avenue restaurant on March 28 and stole $20 in cash from the tip jar, police reported.

The manager of the eatery between N. Sixth and N. Seventh streets said the thief came in at 9:30 pm, grabbed the cash, and skedaddled.

The manager chased the rapscallion and caught up to him at Metropolitan and Union avenues, where the bandit flashed a knife, prompting the boss to give up his pursuit, cops said.

Like a kid stealing a cookie from the cookie jar while his Mom isn’t look; except I’m pretty sure thief looked straight into Caleb the counterboy’s face and took the money.


A prowler crept into a N. Seventh Street home on March 28 and stole a purse off of a kitchen table while the victim was sleeping and her boyfriend was watching TV, according to cops.

The victim’s boyfriend reported he was watching television in the living room of the home between Kent and White avenues at 11 pm when he heard a noise in the kitchen.

He went to investigate and found his girlfriend’s bag — which held her hat, credit card, and books — missing.

These people fucking amaze me! Two of them home – one sleeping and the other awake watching TV with the FUCKING FRONT DOOR UNLOCKED AT 11pm!!! How stupid can you be??? Oh yeah well, look who we’re talking about.


A pair of scoundrels stole a laptop out of Franklin Street store when the clerk was distracted on March 29, officers said.

The victim told police she was working at the store between Milton Street and Greenpoint Avenue at 9:55 am when two lowlifes came in.

While the clerk was helping someone else, the jerks grabbed the laptop off of the counter, put it in a duffel bag, and ran out, a report shows.

One Macbook – comin’ right up!


A burglar stole $23,000 in cash out of a N. Sixth Street cash machine on March 23, according to authorities.

The manager of a business center between Berry and Wythe avenues stated that he went into work at 1 pm and found the dollar dispenser damaged and all the money gone.

Cha-ching! Homey got paid! It’s ok though – Mason’s daddy will fill that machine back up in no time straight from the Bank Of Minnesota.


A lowlife cyclist snatched an iPhone out of a woman’s hand as she was walking down Olive Street on March 27, police said.

The 33-year-old victim said she was walking at Devoe Street at 8:45 pm when the bandit rode up behind her, grabbed the device, and kept riding.

The woman used an app to track the phone to Stagg Walk, but then the signal was lost, according to authorities.

LOL  I can just picture this Molly screeching into her iPhone back to a suburb in Cupcake County, Oregon about how great the magical land of Nieuw Breuckelen is when: Whoooosh! Vrroooooom! Later!


Two stealth bandits walked into a fancy clothing store on Grand Street on March 28 and walked out with a number of high-end items, cops said.

The manager of the store between Roebling and Havemeyer Streets said the devious duo came in at 6:50 pm, grabbed a designer jacket and three sweaters, and left without paying. Together, the items were worth $1,021, a report shows.

Two stealth bandits??? I don’t believe you need be be stealthy at all when trying to rob these naive interlopers. Just walk in and grab what you need!


The i-Stole Report

mugger-63571228Here is this week’s i-Stole report courtesy of The Brooklyn Paper where we celebrate the thefts, robberies and beatings of idiotic and naïve hipsters and yupsters who don’t realize they are in a big bad city and still think they are in Minnesconsin.


Close your window you dumb bitch.

A crook got into a woman’s Lincoln Place apartment and swiped a bunch of goods — including a bottle of whiskey — sometime between July 28 and July 29.

The victim told police that she left her residence between Fifth and Sixth avenues at 9:30 pm on July 28 to go to a nearby bar and returned at about 1 am and went straight to bed.

When the woman awoke that morning she noticed that her MacBook computer, her mandolin case, $5 in quarters, sunglasses, a flower plant, and the bottle of booze, were missing. The woman told cops that she left her bedroom window open when she left her apartment, and noticed a hand smudge on the window possibly left by the perp, according to a police report.


Man on playcation works from 9am – 2pm

A bandit burglarized a man’s Fifth Avenue apartment and made off with more than $5,400 worth of electronics on July 29.

The 27-year-old victim told police that he left his abode between Lincoln Place and St. Johns Place to go to work at 9 am and when he retuned at 2 pm his iPad, $10, MacBook Pro laptop, and three camera lenses, were missing.


A beating of pure principle.

Police arrested a pair of perps who they say attacked two men as they came out of the Lorimer Street L train subway stop on July 24.The victims told police they were walking up the steps from the stop at the corner of Metropolitan Avenue at 1:29 am when a 25-year-old man and 34-year-old man pushed them, punched them in the face, threw a water bottle at them, and tore their shirts, leaving one victim with a broken nose and the other with bruises and scratches.

Gimme that phone Hayden!

A man was charged with robbery for allegedly stealing a guy’s iPhone on Jackson Street on July 25.

The victim told police that he was at the corner of Meeker Avenue at 12:15 pm when the robber grabbed him from behind and snatched the cellphone out of his hand. When the robber ran off, the victim flagged down a police car.The cop canvassed the area and found the alleged robber at the intersection of Metropolitan and Manhattan avenues. The 21-year-old suspect struggled and ran away, but the cops found him hiding nearby. One officer suffered minor injuries in the scuffle.

Disco Dollars

Someone broke into the safe of a nightclub on Berry Street and got away with $8,000 in cash on early in the morning of July 29.

The owner of the bar between N. 11th and N. 12th streets told police that someone stole the cash sometime between 4:30 am and 6:30 am. Police interviewed one of the employees who said he saw the door to the office wide open at 6:30 am. Several employees have keys to the office and the business.



The all new i-Stole 5 has arrived!

The NY Post reports on the huge spike in Apple product thefts in Manhattan over the last year. Before we go any further let me say that I’ve owned two i-Phones over the last 3 or 4 years – let’s face it, they are amazing gadgets; hipster defenders on this site love claiming that because you own an i-Phone you are a hipster. That’s such a weak argument; I’ve seen 75 year old grandmas with i-Phones. What makes somebody a hipster is if they have an i-Phone while they are wearing a scarf in 85 degree weather, sausage casing jeans, the physique of the Sea Hag from Popeye, and pay $4.85 for a coffee.

Link: NY POST – Blame Apple for crime spike.

The post article says: “It happens in areas where you have affluent people who can afford these products — Midtown, Greenwich Village — and hipsters are among the targets,” the source [law enforcement official] said.

HAHAHAHAHA! “Hipsters” are among the targets? So now law enforcement officials are seeing these imaginary creatures? Wow, there must be something hallucinogenic in our water because if you went up to practically any Caleb, Molly, Zoey, or Zach in North Brooklyn or the East Village and asked what a hipster was they would shrug their popsicle stick shoulders and nasally honk “I have no idearrrrrrrr”. And can you believe it? The other day when the i-Phone 5 was released, the city had police protection at every Apple store! What a waste of resources. Why the fuck should a bunch of idiots that are camping out all day for a phone get protection?

Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said: “Individuals alert to their surroundings are less likely to become victims of thefts of iPhones and other hand-held device.”

Yeah but these kidults of the corn that have recently arrived for their playcations here in NYC still think they are hanging out in front of some strip mall back in Culdesacia, USA where everything is safe and sound. They also like to stand or sit near the train doors with the i-Pads, Pods, and Phones in full display for an easy grab. How about the ones that walk around Bushwick at 2am; drunk and high on booze, drugs and ART ART ART – blasting their favorite Macbook and Casio keyboard bands through their headphones and then WHAM – they get punched in the face and have their i-Shit jacked. That’s when they really really need the police. But when they want to have Obama rallies and OWS gatherings and block streets with their signs and tubas, bongos and banjos - the cops are bad and wrong for taking any kind of action.

All in all, Christmas has come early for a whole bunch of thieves this year.

This week’s i-Stole Report.

Here is this week’s North Brooklyn i-Stole report taken from The Brooklyn Paper. You ain’t in Wiscossota any more Joshy.

A thug mugged a Josh on Manhattan Avenue on Dec. 18. The Josh said he was near Greenpoint Avenue at around 3 am when the perp confronted him, demanding his money, credit cards, and coat. The Josh complied, but the punk punched him anyway before fleeing.


A thief stole two laptops from a Megan’s car that was parked on Berry Street on Dec. 29.

The Megan parked her car near N. 12th Street at around 6:30 pm, and returned the next morning to find that her vehicle’s rear window had been shattered and that her laptops had been nabbed.


A crook stole a Zoey’s iPhone on Union Avenue on Dec. 23.

The Zoey was talking on her phone near Metropolitan Avenue at around 4 pm, when the perp snagged the phone from her hand and fled.


A hungry burglar broke into a S. Sixth Street nouveau barbecue joint on Dec. 24, where he cracked a safe and stole $880.

The Harrison locked up his restaurant at 6 am, but when he returned a few hours later, he saw the safe was open and his cash was gone


A thief stole a bag, iPod, camera, and keys from a car parked on Meserole Street on Dec. 21.

The Ethan left his vehicle near Manhattan Avenue at 12:45 pm. He returned at 2 pm, but it was already too late: his driver’s side window had been smashed and his stuff was already missing.


A thief stole two guitars from a car parked on S. Fifth Street.

The Caleb parked near Kent Avenue at 9 pm on Dec. 17 and didn’t return for more than 24 hours — giving the thief plenty of time to break the driver’s side window and take the music makers.


A thief stole an iPhone from a Molly on Union Avenue on Dec. 23.

The victim was nearing Metropolitan Avenue at 4 pm when the perp grabbed the phone out of her hand and ran away.


This week’s i-Stole report.

This is this week’s North Brooklyn i-Stole report taken directly from the Brooklyn Paper. Welcome to Brooklyn Megan, Josh, Toby, Caleb, Morgan, Zack, Molly, Ethan, Chloe, Zoey, and Hayden!


A man had his MacBook stolen on Broadway on Oct. 9. The victim told cops that he was between Havemeyer Street and Marcy Avenue and conversing online with his mother at 11:26 pm when a masked man approached and grabbed the laptop. After a brief struggle, the thief overpowered the man and got away with the computer, the visage of his mother still on the screen.


A crook snatched a laptop from a man at a pizza shop on Seventh Avenue Oct. 8. The 26-year-old victim told cops that he set down his MacBook laptop on a table at Smiling Pizza at Ninth Street at 9 pm, then walked away for two minutes. That was enough time for the crook to snatch his $1,400 computer — and then disappear.


A mugger stole an iPhone and more on Oct. 8 on Gates Avenue. The victim was near Washington Avenue at 7:20 pm when the thug walked towards the victim, punching him in the face and demanding, “Give me what you got! Don’t look at me!” The victim handed over his iPhone and $110.


A crook stole a wallet from a straphanger on the Q train on Oct. 7. The 28-year-old victim told cops that the subway was near Seventh Avenue at 5:20 pm, when a woman bumped into her. The victim didn’t notice anything — until she arrived at her destination about 40 minutes later and discovered that her wallet, along with the $25, credit cards and YMCA membership card inside, was gone.


A mugger stole a woman’s iPhone in her own building on S. Fifth Street on Oct. 7. The woman was entering her building between Bedford and Driggs avenues at about 5:23 pm when the thief pushed her into a hallway, displayed a pipe, and demanded, “Shut up, give me your money!” She gave up her wallet and her iPhone.


A thief stole a woman’s iPhone on Oct. 7 on Flatbush Avenue. The victim was talking on her device near Willoughby Street at 5:35 pm when the thug grabbed her from behind and threw her to the ground. The thief threatened, “B—h, if you try anything, I’ll punch you in the face!” He then snatched her iPhone and dashed off.


A scoundrel stole a fancy bike on Third Avenue on Oct. 6. The 23-year-old cyclist told cops that he parked and locked his $1,500 black and silver Giant bike near Eighth Street at 11 pm, then came back about an hour later and found it gone.


A teen thief snatched a fancy cellphone from a woman on Prospect Park West on Oct. 6 — but he didn’t get far, cops said. The 37-year-old victim told cops that she was texting while walking near 15th Street at 4 pm when the jerk snatched the iPhone from her hand — then ran away. Cops arrested a 13-year-old suspect the same day.

Two thugs stole a man’s phone on Berry Street on Oct. 6. The victim was heading to the Bedford Avenue train station at 6:35 am when he was approached by two early-bird-burglars. The thugs knocked him to the ground, and one took his phone and wallet, demanding, “Give me your money or I’m going to kill you. Don’t look at me!”


A robber got away with an iPhone on Marcy Avenue on Oct. 6. The victim had just exited the G train at Flushing Avenue at 9:31 pm when the thief swiftly snatched the iPhone and dashed away.


This week’s i-Stole report.

Here is this week’s i-Stole report from The Brooklyn Paper. Welcome to Brooklyn you filthy fucking naive urban pioneers!


Vanishing act

A thief swiped an iPod and, more important, three bottles of beer from Brooklyn Star on Lorimer Street on May 24.

Workers say that the booze hound must have entered the restaurant, which is at Conselyea Street, at around 3 pm, when the doors had been left open for a delivery.

Early break

A thief broke into a Havemeyer Street apartment on May 27 and stole the resident’s iPod.

The resident left his apartment between N. Eighth and N. Ninth streets at 8:30 am and returned at around 6 pm to find that his door had been pried open and that his iPod was gone.

Bike baddie

A thief swiped two bikes from the popular corner of Berry Street and N. Fifth Street overnight on May 24. One of the cycle’s owners noticed the crime at 3 pm the next day.

No Marcy

A perp tried to rob a man on Marcy Avenue on May 28 — but punched him in the face instead.

The victim told police that he was near Division Avenue at 10:50 pm, when the perp approached him and asked, “Give me your money, what you got.”

The man refused, so the perp punched him square in the jaw and ran away.

iPhone grab

A thief stole a man’s iPhone and credit card on Roebling Street on May 27.

The victim told police that he was near Metropolitan Street at 2:40 am, when the perp pushed him to the ground and grabbed his phone.

Third curd

A perp stole a laptop from a S. Third Street apartment on May 28.

The victim went to sleep at 9:30 pm, but when she awoke at 1 am, she saw that the window overlooking Havemeyer Street was open and her computer was missing.

Laptop lame

A thief stole two computers from a Roebling Street apartment on May 29.

The tenant told police that he left his apartment near S. First Street at 3 pm, but when he returned at 5:30 pm, he saw the front window was open and two computers were gone.