CitiBike program failing as predicted; needs millions to bail out.

citibikehipsterHow stupid can this city be? Didn’t they notice how empty all the unnecessary bike lanes were prior to the CitiBike program? You can stand in one of the hundreds of bike lanes for up to an hour sometimes without seeing one bike. Wasn’t that the ultimate indicator that we don’t need these unused, space-wasting, bike rack monstrosities all over the place? Well I’m glad to see one of Bloomberg’s babies failing. I saw this one failing from the day it was announced.

Link: NY Post – Citibike’s in the RED

 

citibikehipster2I hate when left wing hips/yups try to convince politicians to implement programs for this city and country that work in socialist European countries 1/20th of our size and population. Some things will just never work here like they work in Sweden, Denmark or The Netherlands. Now of course, backers of the Citibike program are looking for taxpayer bailouts for this “LOOOK AT MEEEE” program. Fuck that shit! You are not using my tax dollars so some playcationing fauxhemian can rent a bike to go to Whole Foods to buy locally-sourced hydroponic arugala and cage-free chicken stock.

 

 

citibikesnowAnd lastly, didn’t the city realize that we actually have WINTER here in the Northeast? That you can’t really ride a bike comfortably when you factor in the wind once the temperature goes below 40 degrees? That we get SNOWSTORMS? That plows pile snow up along the same side walks as these ugly bikes are parked? That in that snow is WATER along with corrosive salt and chemicals that will probably damage the bikes as they sit buried for days or weeks at a time?

Barista arrives in 2008; is now Greenpoint expert.

So a Molly (yep, another Molly), who arrived to Brooklyn a long, long 5 1/2 years ago in 2008, wrote a wayyyyy too long article about the complicated and excruciating life of a barista and her vast knowledge of Greenpoint – 5,606 words to be exact. Yes, 5,606 words about Greenpoint and only mentions the word “Polish” once. That is how self-centered and narcissistic these fucking transient hipsters are. Every single day, practically, they write articles about coffee, beer, food or the “current” neighborhood they live in as if they lifted a rock, or maybe a wooden board, OK let’s be realistic – we’re talking about hipster strength – a piece of loose leaf paper and discovered these things.

Link: TheAwl.com – Inside the Barista Class

I’m not writing this rant to knock people in the service industry; I’m writing about the supposedly “educated”, “creative”, and “talented” crowd who’ve been swarming into our cities for the last 10-15 years taking these jobs while they wait to be “discovered” and making these jobs seem whimsical. I’ve got news for you Zoey – if you’re selling 10 craft bracelets a month on Etsy while being a part-time kale ‘n egg brunch server - give it up and go back to Michigan. I’ve also got news for you Brent – if you’re over 25 and can only play smelly hipster dive bars or attract 8 people on the Bedford Ave L train platform – you ain’t getting discovered. Do you fucking hipsters ever wonder that maybe if you weren’t ADULTS with so many exposed tattoos, pierced noses and stretched earlobes, dirty and purposely messy hair that MAYBE, just MAYBE you’d be more presentable and get the jobs you really wanted?

baristahipster2

So Molly, if you’re reading this, next time you might want to consider mentioning a bit more, the families of various nationalities that have been in Greenpoint for the last 50 – 100 years that had to leave to make way for insufferable, whiny, playcationers like yourself who play with chemistry set coffee makers.

Unfinished, ugly hipster tables: Only $3000

Here is a classic example of a talentless, Brooklyn-ruining, hipster hobbyist who thinks they are some sort of world-renowned craftsman trying to push their worthless, amateurish shit created on their infinite leisure time Brooklyn playdate. Just look at these ugly, unfinished tables he is trying to sell for up to $3000. What a fucking joke these people are. However I actually can imagine some Hayden and Penelope inviting their smug hipster friends over for an organic dinner party and showing off this “unique” table. I can’t fucking stand these people. Get the fuck outta Brooklyn already!

Here is his whimsical “About” statement -

About Steffen

WHITE & WOOL is the collaborative effort of Steffen Ringelmann, a designer-maker with extensive carpentry and fabrication experience, and Sara Spieker, a skilled project and studio manager with over ten years of retail experience at a high level. The Brooklyn-based studio specializes in the design, restoration and styling of commercial and residential interiors, including bars, restaurants, educational environments, offices, studios, lofts and homes. Custom furniture design and fabrication is a specialty as well.
With a Master of Arts Degree in Contemporary Design from Sotheby’s Institute of Art, Ringelmann’s advanced knowledge of 20th century European & American design history deeply informs his current creative process. As both a practicioner and historian of painting, sculpture, graphic design and furniture design, Ringelmann’s approach to interior design is profoundly multidisciplinary, yet always cohesive. Together, Ringelmann and Spieker share a belief that interiors not only facilitate lifestyle, but inspire life more deeply. While many considerations go into the design and fabrication of an interior, White & Wool’s goal is in fact quite simple; to awaken our senses so we are present and engaged for life’s most special moments.

Link: CustomMade.com – $3000 ugly “hand crafted” tables.

unfinished-table

NY TIMES Gives Brooklyn its’ weekly handjob.

In this week’s NY Times Brooklyn handjob you’ll read about people named Dickerman and Cade and others whose ages range from 25-50 hanging out in a Victorian Kidult “Communal” Club house. Why? Because Brooklyn is a kewelllllll brand deeeeeeeed!

Link: NY Times – Brooklyn Communal Cool: The Brand

Living in a giant hamster wheel is not art.

Who can move to any city and label themselves “artists”? Who has subsidization to live in any apartment at any price at any given moment? Who can make up whimsical theories to explain their idiotic attempts at art? Who has the infinite leisure time to live in a giant hamster wheel for 10 straight days and wallow in their own piss, shit and hipster body odor and call it “performance art”?

Who? THESE MOTHER FUCKERS DO:

Link: BrooklynPaper – Pretend artists to live inside hamster wheel for 10 days.

hamsterwheel

Spike Lee crushes hipsters during speech.

spikeleeThe other day, Spike Lee gave a speech at Pratt and somebody asked for his thoughts on gentrification; he went off on a 7 minute rant on hipsters. Although he mentions “white people”, it’s not racist as the average defensive hipster/yupster would immediately nasally shriek. I’m sure the first reaction by a hipster or out of town gentrifier to Spike’s rant is “he’s racist”. He isn’t. He is specifically talking about hipsters; smug wannabe creative-type, gentrifying hipsters and yupsters who are trying to live upper class lives in working class neighborhoods. Sure New York is always changing – but this last decade’s hipster invasion has made the change too drastic; unfair to normal working families and young natives trying to live and work in the places they grew up; this does not just mean “black neighborhoods”. Plenty of hipsters still have parental financial support well into their 30′s and are using those funds to further keep rents high and raise rents in the new neighborhoods they “pioneer” into.

 You can bet anything that Spike wouldn’t say a word about Jewish, Russian, Italian, Polish, Irish or any other “white” people across Brooklyn because those people, generational or newly arrived immigrants, do not act anywhere remotely near the way a hipster does. His rant was merely saying “if you come here, have respect.”
Here are links to the story and a transcript of his rant below:

Link: NY Mag – Spike Lee’s Amazing Rant Against Gentrification

Link: NY Daily News – Filmmaker Spike Lee mouths off about Brooklyn Gentrification

 

Here’s the thing: I grew up here in Fort Greene. I grew up here in New York. It’s changed. And why does it take an influx of white New Yorkers in the south Bronx, in Harlem, in Bed Stuy, in Crown Heights for the facilities to get better? The garbage wasn’t picked up every motherfuckin’ day when I was living in 165 Washington Park. P.S. 20 was not good. P.S. 11. Rothschild 294. The police weren’t around. When you see white mothers pushing their babies in strollers, three o’clock in the morning on 125th Street, that must tell you something.

[Audience member: And I don’t dispute that … ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And even more. Let me kill you some more.

[Audience member: Can I talk about something?]

Not yet.

Then comes the motherfuckin’ Christopher Columbus Syndrome. You can’t discover this! We been here. You just can’t come and bogart. There were brothers playing motherfuckin’ African drums in Mount Morris Park for 40 years and now they can’t do it anymore because the new inhabitants said the drums are loud. My father’s a great jazz musician. He bought a house in nineteen-motherfuckin’-sixty-eight, and the motherfuckin’ people moved in last year and called the cops on my father. He’s not — he doesn’t even play electric bass! It’s acoustic! We bought the motherfuckin’ house in nineteen-sixty-motherfuckin’-eight and now you call the cops? In 2013? Get the fuck outta here!

Nah. You can’t do that. You can’t just come in the neighborhood and start bogarting and say, like you’re motherfuckin’ Columbus and kill off the Native Americans. Or what they do in Brazil, what they did to the indigenous people. You have to come with respect. There’s a code. There’s people.

You can’t just — here’s another thing: When Michael Jackson died they wanted to have a party for him in motherfuckin’ Fort Greene Park and all of a sudden the white people in Fort Greene said, “Wait a minute! We can’t have black people having a party for Michael Jackson to celebrate his life. Who’s coming to the neighborhood? They’re gonna leave lots of garbage.” Garbage? Have you seen Fort Greene Park in the morning? It’s like the motherfuckin’ Westminster Dog Show. There’s 20,000 dogs running around. Whoa. So we had to move it to Prospect Park!

I mean, they just move in the neighborhood. You just can’t come in the neighborhood. I’m for democracy and letting everybody live but you gotta have some respect. You can’t just come in when people have a culture that’s been laid down for generations and you come in and now shit gotta change because you’re here? Get the fuck outta here. Can’t do that!

And then! [to audience member] Whoa whoa whoa. And then! So you’re talking about the people’s property change? But what about the people who are renting? They can’t afford it anymore! You can’t afford it. People want live in Fort Greene. People wanna live in Clinton Hill. The Lower East Side, they move to Williamsburg, they can’t even afford fuckin’, motherfuckin’ Williamsburg now because of motherfuckin’ hipsters. What do they call Bushwick now? What’s the word? [Audience: East Williamsburg]

That’s another thing: Motherfuckin’… These real estate motherfuckers are changing names! Stuyvestant Heights? 110th to 125th, there’s another name for Harlem. What is it? What? What is it? No, no, not Morningside Heights. There’s a new one. [Audience: SpaHa] What the fuck is that? How you changin’ names?

And we had the crystal ball, motherfuckin’ Do the Right Thing with John Savage’s character, when he rolled his bike over Buggin’ Out’s sneaker. I wrote that script in 1988. He was the first one. How you walking around Brooklyn with a Larry Bird jersey on? You can’t do that. Not in Bed Stuy.

So, look, you might say, “Well, there’s more police protection. The public schools are better.” Why are the public schools better? First of all, everybody can’t afford — even if you have money it’s still hard to get your kids into private school. Everybody wants to go to Saint Ann’s — you can’t get into Saint Ann’s. You can’t get into Friends. What’s the other one? In Brooklyn Heights. Packer. If you can’t get your child into there … It’s crazy. There’s a business now where people — you pay — people don’t even have kids yet and they’re taking this course about how to get your kid into private school. I’m not lying! If you can’t get your kid into private school and you’re white here, what’s the next best thing? All right, now we’re gonna go to public schools.

So, why did it take this great influx of white people to get the schools better? Why’s there more police protection in Bed Stuy and Harlem now? Why’s the garbage getting picked up more regularly? We been here!

All right, go ahead. Let’s see you come back to that.

Hipster transplants getting beard implants; only $8500.

Where do I begin? I can’t take these out-of-place pod people anymore! Go back to your fucking hometowns and do your beard, art and coffee thing over there! See how they like it – you hipster fucks were never meant to come and homogenize and pussify the great borough of Brooklyn. First let me say that this was the most emailed story to me in the history of my website. Between 10:30am yesterday until this morning 63 people sent me this story. The other day when I did the Beard Font post I wrote: “How many beard stories can there be? It is SO – FUCKING – PLAYED – OUT. Beard art, beard contests, beard oil and now a Beard Font for you to type in?”

Can you believe just 3 days later there is a viral story about Bushpointburg stubble-challenged hipsters getting beard transplants/implants?

beard transplant

How fucking big of a desperate attention-needing douchebag fuck do you need to be to have this procedure? If you can’t grow a beard it wasn’t meant to be. But no – Tristan, Sallinger, Harrison and Brent – who have the combined body mass and strength of Nancy Reagan and Estelle Getty - will stop at nothing to “fit in” during their kidult playcation in Brooklyn. It’s just a phone call away to Mommy for a quick wire transfer of $8,500. Somebody should stand in front of one of these doctor’s offices and greet the wannabe beardo as he walks out with a big cardboard sign that says PUSSY in big bold letters. Isn’t it going to be strange when Hayden shows up to kickball practice, or artisanal pickling class, or to his local gentrification craft ale watering hole and his bearded buddies see his beard when they already knew his inbred emaciated face was incapable of growing hair?

The beard is now a symbol of the effeminate Brooklyn hipster. Not gay, but straight and effeminate. I cringe whenever I see these rent-raising faux lumberjack beardos; and now there will be even more of them?? It blows my mind how Brooklyn’s image has turned from a kind of tough yet loved & forgiving place and melting pot for the world into a place known for adult crafts; over priced and over-hyped food; rooftop kale gardens; $10 latte sipping; and horrific art galleries. Here are some links to this nauseating story; the NY Post comments section is gold and full of some good old hipster hate.

NY Post: Hipster wannabes get facial hair transplants.

DNAinfo.com: Facial Hair Transplants Growing Amid Hipster Beard Craze, Doctors Say

NYMag: Hipster Beard Transplants

Molly’s Bensonhurst Impromptu Asian Photo Shoot

A diehipster.com reader and Brooklynite Eddie Going (Instagram.com/EddieGoing & twitter.com/EddieGoing) caught these interlopers on the D Train in Bensonhurst on a safari most likely to Coney Island. He said he overheard part of their conversation being something about Brooklyn pizza not being “all the rage”. So I’m guessing the first pizza they ever ate was Ellio’s or Tombstone frozen pizza back in Milwaukee and then upon arrival to Nieuw Breuckelen they were directed to go to Roberta’s Gentrification Pizza Parlor which is in an abandoned auto body shop in Bushwick; then they finally ate in a real pizzeria in southern Brooklyn and thought we were the imitators. I get so irritated when I see these people below the line.

So what does this 1950′s librarian glasses wearing, doughy Molly do? She begins photographing the Asian specimens on her expedition into uncharted parts of Brooklyn. “Like, yaaaaaaah – I’ll call this piece ‘Human in Natural Habitat’ “, she probably said to herself.

2014-02-24 08.02.48

Screenshot_2014-02-24-07-59-242014-02-24 08.00.47

The Beard Font? Come on already you fucking try-hards!

How many beard stories can there be? It is SO – FUCKING – PLAYED – OUT. Beard art, beard contests, beard oil and now a Beard Font for you to type in? What an embarrassment a good part of this generation of 25-45 year olds has been to history and humanity.

Link: Designboom.com – Attention-starved ass shaves alphabet into face.

beardfont