It’s been brought to my attention that one of the 198,244 unique, local, sustainable artists of Bushpointburg has a must-have item up for sale on Craigslist - a true piece of carefully hand-crafted art/furniture for your overpriced ”kewel zip-code” apartment. It’s a ladder with two board. Like, yah.
Did I mention it’s “upcycled”?? What the fuck is upcycled? It’s just another catch-phrase made by the hipster crowd of transient kale eating fucks to make their meaningless art and hobbies sound better. Upcycled is simply another word for “made”. God I hate these people. I think I’m going to respond to this parentally funded artisté and tell him I need this delivered to me at the Coney Island projects tonight at 1 am.
As I was scrolling through this list of “Only Famous in New York” people, I was praying that Matthew Silver the fraudulent, wanna-be loony person would not show up – and he didn’t. Why? Because like I said he’s a fucking fraud – a transient hipster piece of attention-starved shit. Sorry Matthew, I guess you’ll have to keep screaming in Union Square in your soiled green Speedo waving a rubber chicken around for another decade before you get “noticed”. Get a job. Oh, and I know you are reading this and very upset you didn’t make the list. I know this would have been a milestone in your amazing career. You are nothing but another try-hard hipster in a long line of try-hard hipsters who are taking up precious space in Brooklyn.
Recently I posted about a woman who literally dropped everything and moved to France on a kale crusade. I really don’t have the energy to rant about this one – so just read this N.Y. Times piece about hipsters ruining Paris. What can’t these bastards ruin? When will it end?
Zany Zane, a previous winner of the “LOOOOOK AT MEEEE” award is back for more attention. I wonder what it’s like to go through life being nothing more than a punchable hipster fuck who poses for beard pictures? Check out the nasty video of him at the bottom eating French fries out of his disgusting pigeon shit nest. I can just picture this attention-starved jerkoff putting on a show in the Bedford Ave L train station, surrounded by a bunch of kazoo-voiced, bearded, recent arrivals from Flyoverlandia who aspire to be like him one day thinking “Brooklyn is so kewel” as they head to their assistant creative skate board repairman jobs in a gritty, abandoned and converted poultry slaughter house in Bushwick. Hey Zane…keep growing that beard so I can hunt you down and asphyxiate you with it.
No he didn’t steal a Macbook. It seems this hipster needed his fix of local, sustainable, organic fruit no matter what. After using his last $3200 of his trust fund to pay this month’s rent for an amazing studio in an “up and coming naaaaaaaabe” without kitchen and a community bathroom in the hallway, he had no other choice but to steal an apple from a Greenpoint fruit store. When confronted, he choked the employee who caught him and bit his ear. This is an unbelievable amount of strength for a hipster to possess; normally they have trouble carrying a bag of locally-sourced popcorn or cruelty-free cotton balls up one flight of stairs.
Every year, the day after Halloween I have the same thought. The thought is: what if I put on a ball-crushing skinny jeans; Buddy Holly glasses; a fake beard; filthy Converse sneakers and a scarf and walked around Bushpointburg all day on Halloween? For me, this would be absolutely wearing a costume because IT IS A FUCKING COSTUME! Yet not one piece if shit hipster I would pass would think twice. Isn’t that insane? Isn’t it absolutely crazy that you could transform yourself into a ridiculous looking lemming – go to a neighborhood and not look weird? These spoiled fucks are in costume all year long. Every day is Halloween to them. Now what I mentioned is just your standard annoying hipster uniform – then you have the people that walk around, daily, like emaciated lumberjacks; Civil War Re-enactors; failed rock stars; the Pringles man; Amish windmill builders; 1912 paperboys; 1960′s librarians; tattooed fishing rods; and penny farthing salesmen. Did I leave anything out? Why oh why did this plague have to come to Brooklyn??? WHYYYYY?
Thanks to the few people that sent this list to me of “quirky” and “zany” hipster baby names which will give me an endless supply of names to incorporate into the hipster beating section of this site. So be ready ‘Cormac’, ‘Kale’ (yes, Kale!), ‘Watson’, and ‘Edison’ – the hipster beater is coming to get you. The precious snowflakes on that list will be coming to a city near you soon to further continue the hyper gentrification that their parents are doing right now. Soon, Everly and Prue and Miller and Hudson will be opening a goat farm record store art supply café around the corner from where you will be packing your furniture into a U-Haul because your rent just tripled thanks to the smug nasal brigade coming to check “the nabe” out for a couple of years. Fucking disgusting!
The stencil man, Banksy, has committed a very big sin. He’s has trespassed below the diehipster line to do one of his stencil “art pieces”. This is on Stillwell and Neptune in Coney Island. Great, now 100′s of hipster lemming fucks from his audience are going to come down to still-normal Brooklyn and discover a new area to ruin with their organic homogenized infinite leisure time existences. But I already took care of the problem; so come on down you stupid fucks, with your cameras Mommy bought you. And yes, this is real:
Here are a few links sent over to me recently about the people plaguing our cities and culture:
Yahoo News – Stencil sensation Banksy doesn’t like the way we re-built One World Trade Center; gets op-ed rejected by NY Times. Why doesn’t he just take his stencils and hipster audience and leave the country?
The Atlantic – Evolution of boys names in America since 1960; notice the Jacobs, Joshes, Tylers, Ethans, Logans, Calebs that began trending in the hipster breeding ground of the Midwest since the 1980′s – and people wonder why we always make fun of those names.
Papermag.com – The owner of papermag.com says if she sees: “one more white, bearded, tattooed, apron-clad, work-booted hipster standing behind the counter of a shop selling pork bellies, small-batch gin, organic barber shop products or old-school, authentic, artisanal, heritage, sustainable, distressed-looking anything”, she swears she will throw up.