:::whisper::: Shh..Silent reading party dayuuuuude!!!

There was the ridiculous silent dinner last year for ‘disciplined’ hipster foodie douches; now there’s Silent Reading Parties!

silent-reading

So zany, odd and quirky, maaaaaaaaan! Like, like, like let’s leave our quiet apartments to go read and not socialize in a bar! It’s like like like going to be sooooo opposite deeeeeeed! It’ll be tough and challenging but we’ve been in Brooklyn for a long 4 years and we can do this! We’re the real thing! Oh, I know what else we can do! Add a harpist!!! Nobody will out-zany us!!!!

Link: USA Today – Silent Reading Party; reading allowed, not aloud.

But why a have a silent party with other people? Why not just read quietly in a bedroom? Burns explains that her motivation was twofold: “I often wished I could marry my social life with my desire to keep reading whatever I’m reading. If it weren’t weird, I would just invite friends over to just read and drink at my house, but that never really happens.” A silent reading party is a way to have the best of both worlds—friends, and the hobby that unites them. “It removes all of the pressure of a regular party and encourages non-verbal socializing.”

HUH? Can that paragraph be any more contradicting? These interlopers just mumble anything that they think sounds ‘smart’ but when you actually break it down they sound like complete attention starved phony fucks. They sit around and simply try to think of things that “have never been done” for the sake of it – no matter how childish or impractical. And that’s the true definition of try-hard, kidult, rent-raising, Brooklyn-ruining hipster.

Yarn Bombing? Get the fuck outta here.

Watch as “London” who is somehow able to survive in the most expensive place on earth as a “crochet artist” uses her infinite leisure time to “yarn bomb” her favorite train – the L. People are bustling around, trying to go home or work and London is just silently yelling LOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEE on her whimsical Brooklyn playdate. Yes, this is what Culdesacian hipsters do with their $100,000 art school educations. Notice how she says she made all those pieces for other uses like hats and scarfs but never ended up using them yet they are all exact perfect fit for a train pole? Yeah, she didn’t premeditate this AT ALL. And if we all close our eyes and focus all our energy really hard - then it will rain cupcakes and magical rainbows and unicorns will appear too! Hooray for London!!! She made it to Nieuw Breuckelen!!!!

 

Block of wood with hole: $65.00

Canadiano_MapleSome hipsters up in Canada, where they probably say “like, eyyy duuuude” instead of “like, yaaaa duuuude” have found yet another way to play woodshop while incorporating it with the beverage they’ve destroyed: coffee. Yes, you can now own your very own block of wood with a hole in the middle for only $65! Yes Parker, Sallinger, Hudson, and Langston have come together with their 16 + combined years of liberal art school education to bring you this whimsical coffee filter. Look at this video from their site – its come to the point where hipsters simply make fun of themselves because there is no escape from the ridicule anymore, yet they still in the back of their dirty skulls believe they are discovering things and helping the world.

 

 

 

 

Link: The Canadiano – a block of wood with a hole.

CitiBike program failing as predicted; needs millions to bail out.

citibikehipsterHow stupid can this city be? Didn’t they notice how empty all the unnecessary bike lanes were prior to the CitiBike program? You can stand in one of the hundreds of bike lanes for up to an hour sometimes without seeing one bike. Wasn’t that the ultimate indicator that we don’t need these unused, space-wasting, bike rack monstrosities all over the place? Well I’m glad to see one of Bloomberg’s babies failing. I saw this one failing from the day it was announced.

Link: NY Post – Citibike’s in the RED

 

citibikehipster2I hate when left wing hips/yups try to convince politicians to implement programs for this city and country that work in socialist European countries 1/20th of our size and population. Some things will just never work here like they work in Sweden, Denmark or The Netherlands. Now of course, backers of the Citibike program are looking for taxpayer bailouts for this “LOOOK AT MEEEE” program. Fuck that shit! You are not using my tax dollars so some playcationing fauxhemian can rent a bike to go to Whole Foods to buy locally-sourced hydroponic arugala and cage-free chicken stock.

 

 

citibikesnowAnd lastly, didn’t the city realize that we actually have WINTER here in the Northeast? That you can’t really ride a bike comfortably when you factor in the wind once the temperature goes below 40 degrees? That we get SNOWSTORMS? That plows pile snow up along the same side walks as these ugly bikes are parked? That in that snow is WATER along with corrosive salt and chemicals that will probably damage the bikes as they sit buried for days or weeks at a time?

Barista arrives in 2008; is now Greenpoint expert.

So a Molly (yep, another Molly), who arrived to Brooklyn a long, long 5 1/2 years ago in 2008, wrote a wayyyyy too long article about the complicated and excruciating life of a barista and her vast knowledge of Greenpoint – 5,606 words to be exact. Yes, 5,606 words about Greenpoint and only mentions the word “Polish” once. That is how self-centered and narcissistic these fucking transient hipsters are. Every single day, practically, they write articles about coffee, beer, food or the “current” neighborhood they live in as if they lifted a rock, or maybe a wooden board, OK let’s be realistic – we’re talking about hipster strength – a piece of loose leaf paper and discovered these things.

Link: TheAwl.com – Inside the Barista Class

I’m not writing this rant to knock people in the service industry; I’m writing about the supposedly “educated”, “creative”, and “talented” crowd who’ve been swarming into our cities for the last 10-15 years taking these jobs while they wait to be “discovered” and making these jobs seem whimsical. I’ve got news for you Zoey – if you’re selling 10 craft bracelets a month on Etsy while being a part-time kale ‘n egg brunch server - give it up and go back to Michigan. I’ve also got news for you Brent – if you’re over 25 and can only play smelly hipster dive bars or attract 8 people on the Bedford Ave L train platform – you ain’t getting discovered. Do you fucking hipsters ever wonder that maybe if you weren’t ADULTS with so many exposed tattoos, pierced noses and stretched earlobes, dirty and purposely messy hair that MAYBE, just MAYBE you’d be more presentable and get the jobs you really wanted?

baristahipster2

So Molly, if you’re reading this, next time you might want to consider mentioning a bit more, the families of various nationalities that have been in Greenpoint for the last 50 – 100 years that had to leave to make way for insufferable, whiny, playcationers like yourself who play with chemistry set coffee makers.

Unfinished, ugly hipster tables: Only $3000

Here is a classic example of a talentless, Brooklyn-ruining, hipster hobbyist who thinks they are some sort of world-renowned craftsman trying to push their worthless, amateurish shit created on their infinite leisure time Brooklyn playdate. Just look at these ugly, unfinished tables he is trying to sell for up to $3000. What a fucking joke these people are. However I actually can imagine some Hayden and Penelope inviting their smug hipster friends over for an organic dinner party and showing off this “unique” table. I can’t fucking stand these people. Get the fuck outta Brooklyn already!

Here is his whimsical “About” statement -

About Steffen

WHITE & WOOL is the collaborative effort of Steffen Ringelmann, a designer-maker with extensive carpentry and fabrication experience, and Sara Spieker, a skilled project and studio manager with over ten years of retail experience at a high level. The Brooklyn-based studio specializes in the design, restoration and styling of commercial and residential interiors, including bars, restaurants, educational environments, offices, studios, lofts and homes. Custom furniture design and fabrication is a specialty as well.
With a Master of Arts Degree in Contemporary Design from Sotheby’s Institute of Art, Ringelmann’s advanced knowledge of 20th century European & American design history deeply informs his current creative process. As both a practicioner and historian of painting, sculpture, graphic design and furniture design, Ringelmann’s approach to interior design is profoundly multidisciplinary, yet always cohesive. Together, Ringelmann and Spieker share a belief that interiors not only facilitate lifestyle, but inspire life more deeply. While many considerations go into the design and fabrication of an interior, White & Wool’s goal is in fact quite simple; to awaken our senses so we are present and engaged for life’s most special moments.

Link: CustomMade.com – $3000 ugly “hand crafted” tables.

unfinished-table

NY TIMES Gives Brooklyn its’ weekly handjob.

In this week’s NY Times Brooklyn handjob you’ll read about people named Dickerman and Cade and others whose ages range from 25-50 hanging out in a Victorian Kidult “Communal” Club house. Why? Because Brooklyn is a kewelllllll brand deeeeeeeed!

Link: NY Times – Brooklyn Communal Cool: The Brand

Living in a giant hamster wheel is not art.

Who can move to any city and label themselves “artists”? Who has subsidization to live in any apartment at any price at any given moment? Who can make up whimsical theories to explain their idiotic attempts at art? Who has the infinite leisure time to live in a giant hamster wheel for 10 straight days and wallow in their own piss, shit and hipster body odor and call it “performance art”?

Who? THESE MOTHER FUCKERS DO:

Link: BrooklynPaper – Pretend artists to live inside hamster wheel for 10 days.

hamsterwheel