Smug transplant educates us on bodegas.

fernandez-bodegaAgree with me or not – but growing up in Brooklyn, we did not call every single grocery store, candy store, newsstand, or convenience store, a “bodega”. A bodega was strictly a store run usually by Puerto Ricans or some kind of Hispanic nationality in neighborhoods like Sunset Park and Bushwick, etc,  that has the yellow sign (lots of times with the family name on it); plantains, mangos, and avocados in crates on display; predominantly Goya products on the shelf; a cat roaming around; and the front glass plastered with Newport, Marlboro and malt liquor signs. Sorry, but a store run by Arabs, Koreans, or any other is simply not a bodega if you ask me.

Link: Thrillest.com – 24 signs your Bodega sucks.

Now, read this list of complaints made by some smug fucking hipster jack-ass transplant who thinks every store is a bodega and needs to be perfect for his out-of-state, upper-middle class, culdesacian ass. Here are some of his more nonsensical complaints:

They don’t give you a sleeve with your coffee. This is just plain wrong. – Aww, I’m so sorry you poor little fucking baby. Go back to your 7 – 11 back in Michigan and put 5 sleeves on your fucking coffee.

They don’t even have one craft beer. Seriously, have you seen the selection at some of the places these days? Are you kidding you wanna-be beer connoisseur? No craft beer is a game changer for you, you smug fuck? I hope some thug cracks a 40 of OE over your head next time a place doesn’t have “craft beer”.

They don’t take credit cards, and their ATM charges $3 or more. – Don’t you mean they don’t take Daddy’s credit card?

They don’t sell any two-ply toilet paper. We’re not barbarians. – That’s right you’re not; you’re elitist, spoiled, Brooklyn-ruining hipster fucks. Who would complain about not having two-ply toilet paper when they have to take the biggest shit of their lives?

JUST GET FUCK OUT OF NYC ALREADY YOU PAMPERED WANNA-BE URBAN HIPSTER FUCKS!!!! YOU ARE BEYOND USELESS.

 

 

 

 

 

The Oregon Trustfundless Bandit is Caught!

police-sketch

Looks like “Thaddeus’s” trust fund ran out and apparently so did his luck at getting away with robbing hipster clothing stores like American Apparel and Urban Outfitters in Oregon. Police say when they found him he was wearing manly purple leg warmers. Well, at least that’s one less useless kidult who won’t be coming to Brooklyn.

Link: NY Daily News – Oregon police arrest fedora-wearing hipster bandit.

What the fuck is happening to the male society???

image

This is completely draining. It’s just far beyond sad and beyond repair – unless of course we eliminate all hipsters. Just look at this carbon copied sheep saying “I would breast feed if I could.”

You can literally take this off-the-assembly-line rent-raiser and place him in multiple settings like: behind a coffee shop counter; on stage in a dive bar behind a Casio keyboard playing in some never to be known indie band; an i-Phone commercial; etc. We’ve seriously got to take back our cities and country from these estrogenized faux-lumberjacks.

:::whisper::: Shh..Silent reading party dayuuuuude!!!

There was the ridiculous silent dinner last year for ‘disciplined’ hipster foodie douches; now there’s Silent Reading Parties!

silent-reading

So zany, odd and quirky, maaaaaaaaan! Like, like, like let’s leave our quiet apartments to go read and not socialize in a bar! It’s like like like going to be sooooo opposite deeeeeeed! It’ll be tough and challenging but we’ve been in Brooklyn for a long 4 years and we can do this! We’re the real thing! Oh, I know what else we can do! Add a harpist!!! Nobody will out-zany us!!!!

Link: USA Today – Silent Reading Party; reading allowed, not aloud.

But why a have a silent party with other people? Why not just read quietly in a bedroom? Burns explains that her motivation was twofold: “I often wished I could marry my social life with my desire to keep reading whatever I’m reading. If it weren’t weird, I would just invite friends over to just read and drink at my house, but that never really happens.” A silent reading party is a way to have the best of both worlds—friends, and the hobby that unites them. “It removes all of the pressure of a regular party and encourages non-verbal socializing.”

HUH? Can that paragraph be any more contradicting? These interlopers just mumble anything that they think sounds ‘smart’ but when you actually break it down they sound like complete attention starved phony fucks. They sit around and simply try to think of things that “have never been done” for the sake of it – no matter how childish or impractical. And that’s the true definition of try-hard, kidult, rent-raising, Brooklyn-ruining hipster.

Yarn Bombing? Get the fuck outta here.

Watch as “London” who is somehow able to survive in the most expensive place on earth as a “crochet artist” uses her infinite leisure time to “yarn bomb” her favorite train – the L. People are bustling around, trying to go home or work and London is just silently yelling LOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEE on her whimsical Brooklyn playdate. Yes, this is what Culdesacian hipsters do with their $100,000 art school educations. Notice how she says she made all those pieces for other uses like hats and scarfs but never ended up using them yet they are all exact perfect fit for a train pole? Yeah, she didn’t premeditate this AT ALL. And if we all close our eyes and focus all our energy really hard - then it will rain cupcakes and magical rainbows and unicorns will appear too! Hooray for London!!! She made it to Nieuw Breuckelen!!!!

 

Block of wood with hole: $65.00

Canadiano_MapleSome hipsters up in Canada, where they probably say “like, eyyy duuuude” instead of “like, yaaaa duuuude” have found yet another way to play woodshop while incorporating it with the beverage they’ve destroyed: coffee. Yes, you can now own your very own block of wood with a hole in the middle for only $65! Yes Parker, Sallinger, Hudson, and Langston have come together with their 16 + combined years of liberal art school education to bring you this whimsical coffee filter. Look at this video from their site – its come to the point where hipsters simply make fun of themselves because there is no escape from the ridicule anymore, yet they still in the back of their dirty skulls believe they are discovering things and helping the world.

 

 

 

 

Link: The Canadiano – a block of wood with a hole.

CitiBike program failing as predicted; needs millions to bail out.

citibikehipsterHow stupid can this city be? Didn’t they notice how empty all the unnecessary bike lanes were prior to the CitiBike program? You can stand in one of the hundreds of bike lanes for up to an hour sometimes without seeing one bike. Wasn’t that the ultimate indicator that we don’t need these unused, space-wasting, bike rack monstrosities all over the place? Well I’m glad to see one of Bloomberg’s babies failing. I saw this one failing from the day it was announced.

Link: NY Post – Citibike’s in the RED

 

citibikehipster2I hate when left wing hips/yups try to convince politicians to implement programs for this city and country that work in socialist European countries 1/20th of our size and population. Some things will just never work here like they work in Sweden, Denmark or The Netherlands. Now of course, backers of the Citibike program are looking for taxpayer bailouts for this “LOOOK AT MEEEE” program. Fuck that shit! You are not using my tax dollars so some playcationing fauxhemian can rent a bike to go to Whole Foods to buy locally-sourced hydroponic arugala and cage-free chicken stock.

 

 

citibikesnowAnd lastly, didn’t the city realize that we actually have WINTER here in the Northeast? That you can’t really ride a bike comfortably when you factor in the wind once the temperature goes below 40 degrees? That we get SNOWSTORMS? That plows pile snow up along the same side walks as these ugly bikes are parked? That in that snow is WATER along with corrosive salt and chemicals that will probably damage the bikes as they sit buried for days or weeks at a time?