Today, I saw Xander, the shish-kebab skewer-armed cupcakeologist from Wiscossota whose teeth I knocked out last week, heading to a “Bushwick-based” artisanal performance art dentist. So I put a “We moved to Bensonhurst” sign on the front door and when Xander arrived I duct taped him to the dentist chair and beat his bearded face with an aged and hardened sopressata. End of story.
Here’s an article that has compiled just about every time the New Yup Times has stroked Brooklyn’s cock. Before the hipsters and yupsters discovered Brooklyn, the NYT probably had not mentioned the borough since the Dodgers won the World Series in 1955. But now, with a blend of boring and predictable writers at the Times with ties to hip/yup Nieuw Breuckelen, and an endless supply of beardos, faux foodies and overnight artists, they have plenty to write about. And these are just articles that compare other places to Brooklyn; there were plenty of others written about it’s magical rooftop gardens, pretentious art galleries opening in working class neighborhoods, and artisanal bike lanes.
Today I heard Logan the Pringle Man costume wearing, transplanted gentrification bartender nasally giggle as he talked about his new ironic cocktail called the “Ebola” – made from locally-sourced W. African rum; mango juice from an authentic Bushwick bodega; sprinkled with Fruity Pebbles and poured over an old-timey artisanally hand-chisled chunk of ice in a laboratory beaker. So I lodged a meat hook through his communion wafer chest, covered him in bird seed and hung him from the Williamsburg bridge as a flock of pigeons pecked him to death. End of story.
SAN FRANCISCO – So we have a ‘Conner’, a ‘Josh’, and a guy in a ‘Rhode Island Wanderers’ shirt reserving a soccer field that probably has never been reserved in its’ existence. Hysterical! You can’t make it up. These entitled suburban wuss transplants simply don’t know the unwritten rules of urban settings yet are so desperate to be “urban”. They don’t know that you just have to call next and wait your turn. Just like Mommy used to reserve Chuck E Cheese for their 3rd through 21st birthdays back in Michigan and Rhode Island, they don’t know any better.
As sad as this might sound – and I really hate to say it – but these guys are pioneers. They are currently taking beatings – both verbal and physical in some cases – as they swoop into places you’d never thought you’d see them and pave the way for the little Colbys, Calebs, Tanners, Gwynns, Astors, and Zanes of the future.
Not only have these artisanal dildos hijacked our once affordable apartments; our roadways with their stupid fucking bicycles; our coffee; our groceries; our bars; they are now trying to take away little soccer fields and school yards from kids and working-class people. Too bad this video didn’t end with Conner and Josh’s head being used for penalty kicks. I love at the very end: “What’s up Conner, I’m Josh”. LOLLLL. The names! The names! And, it shows that they don’t even know each other. One of them probably found a field on Google Maps and then set up a play date through a site like meetup.com for recent arrivals to SF. Fucking bitches!!!
Thanks to http://instagram.com/EddieGoing again for sending in these pics of attention-starved interlopers. The hipster calendar say its October 31st in every box for 12 pages. You see, when you have no real job and no where to be, it can be Halloween any day of the year – unfortunately. Hipsters have proven this to us for the last 10 – 15 years here in this once great city. They ironically dress as rock stars, farmers, depression-era paper boys, Amish people, and homeless people all while actually being bland middle to upper-middle class nobodies from fly-over states who feel they are allowed to unleash their talentless selves on us upon their arrival to NYC. When will it end? When will the hipster finally die and leave us alone?
Today, I saw brothers Ludlow and Stanton scouting Central Upper Bushwick with their enabling Minnesotan parents for a storefront to sell artisanal ant farms with a rooftop cruelty-free porridge cafe. So I hung them by their Salvador Dali moustaches from under the Brooklyn Queens Expressway overpass; hauled in a truck load of rocks and had myself and a bunch of other native Brooklynites stone them half to death. End of story.
TORONTO – another city infiltrated by hipster shitrags. Look this fucking incredible douchebag leprechaun hipster who deserves to be beaten with box of Lucky Charms filled with cement. He didn’t want to move his bag off an empty seat so a woman could sit down. This pussy surely never was told NO growing up and got whatever he wanted by throwing tantrums. I’m quite sure of this. I’m also quite sure that if the woman had been 95 years old, pregnant, and on crutches – he would have acted the same way. I think I’m going to have to go up to Toronto and hunt this attention-starved piece of shit down and throw him a beatin’.
Some “Brooklyn-BASED” (God, I hate that word) artist, yep another A R T I S T named Gilf! has spent a day walking barefoot through NYC to raise awareness for people that don’t have shoes. But let’s face it – we know who she is really raising awareness for – HERSELF. Instead of making a video of her making shoes for others, donating shoes for others, or organizing something to get shoes for people, she makes a video of her walking barefoot through urine, sidewalk gum, rat hair and roach particles. This is just another one of those people splattering their paint and wheat paste and shapes on city walls – so played out already. Get a fucking job bitch. Our city and streets are over-saturated with fly-over state fauxhemian art art art art art art art art art art art. Here is one of her projects:
Hysterical if you ask me; she puts a GENTRIFICATION IS PROGRESS banner around the 5 Pointz building after it was painted white and announced that it was being sold to make condos or whatever. How ironic that a person who most likely transplanted to NYC, and has been probably constantly been moving to and living in “up and coming” areas of North Brooklyn and Queens, and being part of the gentrification process herself would put a banner up like this. YOU SHOULD MAKE A BILLBOARD WITH YOUR FUCKING FACE ON IT THAT SAYS GENTRIFICATION IN PROGRESS. Fuck! I hate these hypocrite hipster fucks so much.
This hipster beardo jerkoff just might be the king of infinite leisure time – more than any other hipster we’ve ever seen. (And boy, do they have a lot of leisure time) Watch as this lice chauffer runs around Manhattan slapping [mostly] real New Yorkers high-five as they try to hail cabs and get on with their day and JOBS!!! Oh Kyle, you’re so zany and quirky! Yes, I know, these people who are on their way to places and are not jumping around like toddlers in a hipster uniform are very strange and need to lighten up on responsibility and follow in your footsteps, right Kyle? But you know what Kyle? I actually want you to continue doing this as much as I hate it because you are increasing the chance of you getting flattened by a bus or truck. Enjoy your playcation in New York you fucking bearded pile of shit.