“Megan” will make you an adult – only $175.

A reader sent in this picture she took. I was thinking this was a joke. But I’m 99% sure it’s not and I’m 100% sure 20 something and 30 something year old kidult Calebs and Morgans are signing up for this. She probably even has one of those card swipe i-Phone attachment things to swipe Mommy’s Midwest MasterCard when the “children” arrive.

What the fuck has happened to our Brooklyn? It’s now just one big soy-based, homogenized Romper Room; a giant day-care center for spoiled, transient, attention-seeking Midwest mall rats-turned-artists overnight. So head on over to “East Williamsburg” and DO IT!

howtobeanadult

 

Greenpoint gets a couple of ass lickings.

greenpoint-signCheck out these recent gentrification cheerleading articles about Greenpoint. Ask any real New Yorker who are the locals of Greenpoint and you’ll hear: Polish, Irish, Latino. But ask a recently arrived 40 year old skate boarding beardo or a latte slurping Zooey and they’ll tell you otherwise, I’m sure.

 

CNTraveler.com – How to Eat and Shop like a local in Brooklyn’s hottest neighborhood. : Yep Erin Wylie – you sure pegged how the locals eat and shop. Let us know the next time Conde Nast is going to fly you in for another spot on review.

 

Business Insider – 25 Best Neighborhoods For Young People in the US: Greenpoint wins as #1 !!! Why you ask? Simply because:

Home of Lena Dunham’s character on the HBO show “Girls,” Greenpoint is slightly safer and cheaper than neighboring Williamsburg. There are a few parks and a whole lot of young people, making this Brooklyn neighborhood a fun place to shop, drink, and eat.

The median rent in Greenpoint is $1,157 with residents averaging a median income of $31,703. 14% of residents are 25 to 34 years old.

The median income is $31, 703 for 25 – 34 year olds? Don’t forget the unlimited amount of money they can ask their parents for back in Culdesacia for FUN BROOKLYN ACTIVITIES!!!

The people that write and publish these articles are so fucking clueless. And for more idiocy and especially hypocrisy - check out http://www.greenpointers.com where one day they’ll protest Greenpoint waterfront re-zoning and tall apartments for the rich and then the next day they’ll rave about a $10 latte shop which we all know is the precursor for hyper-gentrification. Finally, they just completely cave in and allow the very same development group they oppose to be a sponsor for their website! HAHAHAHAHA – Now that’s caring for the “naaaaaaabe“.

Happy Easter Brooklyn.

Happy Easter to everyone except the transient, space-wasting, rent-raising hipsters.

By the way, you know how Easter Egg hunts are made for children? Well, a group of 20 and 30 somethings (probably 40 somethings as well) over in Bushpointburg had a boozy Easter egg hunt for themselves where eggs with prizes were hidden among a bunch of the local hipster bars. These kidults simply have no shame or simply don’t know any better being raised spoiled and never being told “NO” by Mom and Dad.

Meanwhile, some of the actual local kids probably witnessed Thaddeus and Morgan running around drunk with plastic eggs and asked “Mommy, why is the smelly bearded man and hairy legged woman in a potato sack dress playing with Easter Eggs and throwing up on the sidewalk?”

LinkBrooklyn Paper: Grand Street hosts Easter egg hunt for adults.

Subway system loses amazing performer.

Remember this “quirky” stick figure fuck?

 

Well here he is again. Notice how he goes from “try-hard mentally disturbed” person to letting the visiting relatives from Indiana who came to see their hipsters know that they have to position themselves a certain way so the police don’t come and disrupt his incredible act? [around 3:21 in the video]

 

And finally “Kalan” (these fuckin names!) is arrested the other day.  – www.gothamist.com

Hey, they asked him to leave – he refused because of some 1050.6 Rule of Conduct law. But YOU SUCK! You don’t deserve to blow your kazoo and harmonica while playing with your puppets and disturbing the public “Kalan”. Just another spoiled, parentally subsidized Cul-de-sacian on a NYC play date. Listen to him at 12:00 saying “You broke my suitcase, you broke it, you broke my, like, income.” BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA  Sure “Kalan”! Sure! You survive in the most expensive place on Earth with that astonishing act of yours? These hipster fucks are the biggest joke that ever happened to this city. But – the jokes on us. It’s at our expense.

 

 

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Trevor with his strapped on vintage guitar heading from “I’ll never actually be a real musician” band practice to his “Thanks Mom and Dad for paying my $2450 a month Bushwick rent this year” apartment. So I grabbed the guitar and put his head under the steel strings against the fret board and tightened all the pegs until his face sliced into seven pieces like a hard boiled egg. End of story.

Smug transplant educates us on bodegas.

fernandez-bodegaAgree with me or not – but growing up in Brooklyn, we did not call every single grocery store, candy store, newsstand, or convenience store, a “bodega”. A bodega was strictly a store run usually by Puerto Ricans or some kind of Hispanic nationality in neighborhoods like Sunset Park and Bushwick, etc,  that has the yellow sign (lots of times with the family name on it); plantains, mangos, and avocados in crates on display; predominantly Goya products on the shelf; a cat roaming around; and the front glass plastered with Newport, Marlboro and malt liquor signs. Sorry, but a store run by Arabs, Koreans, or any other is simply not a bodega if you ask me.

Link: Thrillest.com – 24 signs your Bodega sucks.

Now, read this list of complaints made by some smug fucking hipster jack-ass transplant who thinks every store is a bodega and needs to be perfect for his out-of-state, upper-middle class, culdesacian ass. Here are some of his more nonsensical complaints:

They don’t give you a sleeve with your coffee. This is just plain wrong. – Aww, I’m so sorry you poor little fucking baby. Go back to your 7 – 11 back in Michigan and put 5 sleeves on your fucking coffee.

They don’t even have one craft beer. Seriously, have you seen the selection at some of the places these days? Are you kidding you wanna-be beer connoisseur? No craft beer is a game changer for you, you smug fuck? I hope some thug cracks a 40 of OE over your head next time a place doesn’t have “craft beer”.

They don’t take credit cards, and their ATM charges $3 or more. – Don’t you mean they don’t take Daddy’s credit card?

They don’t sell any two-ply toilet paper. We’re not barbarians. – That’s right you’re not; you’re elitist, spoiled, Brooklyn-ruining hipster fucks. Who would complain about not having two-ply toilet paper when they have to take the biggest shit of their lives?

JUST GET FUCK OUT OF NYC ALREADY YOU PAMPERED WANNA-BE URBAN HIPSTER FUCKS!!!! YOU ARE BEYOND USELESS.

 

 

 

 

 

The Oregon Trustfundless Bandit is Caught!

police-sketch

Looks like “Thaddeus’s” trust fund ran out and apparently so did his luck at getting away with robbing hipster clothing stores like American Apparel and Urban Outfitters in Oregon. Police say when they found him he was wearing manly purple leg warmers. Well, at least that’s one less useless kidult who won’t be coming to Brooklyn.

Link: NY Daily News – Oregon police arrest fedora-wearing hipster bandit.