Not only are hipsters gentrifiers, rent raisers, interlopers, transients, homogenizers and pussifiers – they are now wanna-be terrorists. Atleast that’s what I’m gathering from today’s NY Post cover – unless its the Post telling hipsters to surrender to real NYers and get the fuck out of our city already. I dare the beardos that they possibly catch to say this was ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART.
A long, long four years ago, Catey Shaw moved to Brooklyn from Virginia. The rest is history. She came to do something zany and out-of-the-box that many young people rarely try these days: go to art school. Well, after 4 back breaking years in the ‘hood - filled with boutiques, pretentious fusion food, and $7.00 lattes – she’s decided to release a song that encompasses the life and struggles of what she and so many of her glow-in-the-sun, faux-artsy, nasally uptick-voiced, parentally-subsidized friends are, called: “Brooklyn Girls”. This is a smack in the face to the HBO show “Girls” which really describes what real Brooklyn girls are all about.
Thanks for keeping it real Catey; when this video goes global, the world will finally see what ALL of Brooklyn is like: street art, L train rides, and paid black female extras that dance and sing on the stoops of $2000 1-bedroom apartment buildings with white art school girls. BK ALL DAY BABY!
Here are the lyrics:
When they walk in, they rule the world
Tough and pretty, break the rules
Brooklyn girls (x 4)
Jay-Z bumps in our headphones
Drinks on top of the brownstones
Get it on in the bathroom stall
Sunset girls acting prissy
Won’t get far in the city
We will freeze up your popsicle
‘Cuz we play rough and gritty
They all wanna catch our kitty
And there’s no use denyin’
That tonight we run the island
Wait for the L train
Bedford to Broadway…
Hipsters are now putting flowers in their hipster beards. Ok, this is straight up gay. And I’m not knocking gays; I’m knocking straight males who aren’t acting like men but rather like soft pussies and emasculating society. I know gay men who are 20 X manlier than the average hipster. But I guess when you don’t actually work – having a messy beard, sleeve and neck tattoos, and wear costumes – you have time to insert fucking flowers into your facial flea circus and be an attention-starved pussy searching for ‘looks’ from the general public. The only upside to this latest “LOOK AT ME” trend is that a swarm of pollinating bees might attack one of these Logans’ or Calebs’ faces.
All the recent storms and rain reminded me of these video from a few years back – The Brooklyn Tornado Dayuuuudes. It’s quite clear these playcationing cockrags were exported from their suburban college campuses and shipped directly into their new parentally paid for Brooklyn apartments. I still wonder why they’re so shocked to see severe weather; isn’t this pretty normal in the Midwest? Like, like, like deeeeeeeeeed! Like Oh my God deeeeeeed! Holy shit deeeeeeeeed!
Meet, you guessed it – Zack! From, you guessed it – Ohio! Because it’s a myth that people with names like Zack, Caleb, Logan, and Mason come to Brooklyn from places like Ohio, Wisconsin, and Michigan for zany gentrification fun. Yeah, I was just making that up all these years. Anyway as I type this, he has collected over $16,000 on Kickstarter, with 25 fucking days to go, to make potato salad but all he asked for was $10. The tech website C-NET and a local news station somehow found out about what they probably thought was a joke and posted it and it went viral with douchebags who pledged money calling this “epic’ and “legendary”. Look at Zack now: looks pretty normal and non-hipsterish if you ask me. But you just wait. I’d say there is about a 70% chance Zacky comes to the Holy Land of Bushpointburg to open an artisanal specialty potato salad shop - (probably with a quirky name like: P.S. I Love You) and transforms himself into an overly-tattooed, rolled-up jeans wearing, Cap’n Crunch moustached hipster fuck. Bets anyone? Bets?
Yes folks. The pseudo-eccentric, attention-starved hipster Matthew Silver - who is worth less than the sidewalk gum he performs on - is back. Instead of staying across the street at his usual spot where he displays his ability to do absolutely nothing, he ran into Whole Foods and Forever 21 in Union Square to unleash his amazing power of “spreading love” on people just trying to get through their day of work or shopping. My God, what an annoying, tired, boring, try-hard. Matthew, just give it up; take a shower and shave and go to work. You need to stop thinking you are going to go down in NYC History as some unforgettable act that helped change society. Grow the fuck up already.
Next some other “artist” tried to pass off renting a prison style room on AirBnb which they did not allow him to list. But guess who saw this as another LOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEEE opportunity? Yep – Matthew Silver! ART ART ART!!!
Finally the GOOD NEWS: Someone sent me this from Matthew’s Facebook page. Matthew got booed by the whole audience and rejected on America’s Got Talent. He gets XXX’d out by all the celebrity judges including Howard Stern who also told Matthew he is wasting taxpayer money after Matthew admitted he received a grant. Can you believe this pretend-zany space waster got a grant for what he does??? How many “kids” out there with real talent could actually use a grant and this smelly fuck gets one? So there you have it – proof that Matthew Silver has GOT NO TALENT and now we know how this talentless hipster makes money: parents and taxpayers. (Click on picture to enlarge)
A South African beer company has started an anti-hipster ad campaign to promote its beer. Ok so the jokes aren’t anything new but still – it’s good to see a corporation not jumping on the bandwagon to sell to hipsters like so many cellphone, liquor, car, and fast food companies do. Or, is this some genius reverse-psychology ad campaign to get these fucking sheep to drink that beer? Maybe! Let’s hope it really is true hate though, but I can actually picture two scenarios where hipsters actually would drink this:
1. Hayden (32, wearing jeans that Mick Jagger couldn’t even fit into, with a Duck Dynasty beard, Henry Kissinger thick framed glasses, and his grandfather’s 1949 Wisconsin High School tetherball team gym shirt) says: Yaaaa deeeeed, look at this beer company’s ads. I fucking hate hipsters too; they’re ruining it for everyone, everywhere. I am totally drinking this in support.
2. Hayden (same age and dressed same way): Deeeeed, I fucking hate the word hipster – what the fuck is a hipster maaaaan? It’s a made up word for people that don’t know how to have fun and stay ahead of the music and fashion curve. Yaahahahaha, let’s just drink it ironically and see what people say maaaaan. I totally want to be seen with this and be called a hipster – what the fuck is a hipster maaaaan.
This was sent to me the other day and made me laugh:
Been reading your site for years. I’m a native sick and tired of watching my neighborhood go to shit due to these entitled yuppie fucktwats. The other day I saw some Caleb-looking motherfucker wearing one of those Ohio ‘Home’ t-shirts and decided to make my own.
Had a few printed and would be glad to send you one.
Noooooooooo!!! STAY THE FUCK AWAY YOU FUCKING RENT RAISING INTERLOPERS. JUST STAY AWAY AND KEEP BEING ZANY AND IRONIC IN THE PLACES YOU ALREADY RUINED. FUCK!!!
So apparently June 11th was national pizza day or the birthday of pizza or something like that. Now had I known – yeah – maybe I’d purposely go to one of my favorite pizza joints like L&B in Brooklyn or NY Pizza Suprema on 8th Ave by the Garden solely because it was pizza recognition day. Or maybe even have a little pizza get together over somebodies house with a bunch of people, but probably not even that. BUT NOOO! NOT THESE KIDULTS! They have to:
Rent a warehouse and invite a 1000 Calebs and Felicitys; get a sponsor for the beer and pizza; assemble an entire team of do-nothing, funemployed dirt-bombs to create a master plan to order from EVERY PIZZERIA in Manhattan; don’t forget the ART ART ART ART ART (painting with tomato sauce, sculpting with pizza boxes, playing pizza nursery rhymes on a guitar); and of course – FILM IT ALLLLLLL FOR THE LOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEE FACTOR!!!!! YAAAAAAAY!!! WE DID ITTTTT!!!!
My favorite part is when these transplanted, privileged, mid to upper middle class, playcationing adults, living in the most expensive parts of NYC give SOME of the fresh pizza and especially all the leftovers to poor, hungry or homeless people. That was my favorite part by far. Just kidding; you won’t see that.
Oh, and the pseudo-circus ringmaster/wannabe Paul McCartney Sgt. Pepper moustached guy running the show might look familiar to you. That’s because he was behind another out-of-place, attention-starved hipster event that I posted here a while back: The 6-course L Train luncheon which is probably even more irritating than this pizza party.