Arty the Seal says…

artythesealIt’s time to visit the NY Aquarium in beautiful Coney Island and bark with Arty the Seal about a woman who vomits colored milk and thinks she’s an artist for doing so. Link: Daily Mail – Vomit “Artist”.



Arty says..

Everything is ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART  nowadays. This is not ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART you talentless try-hard! You are the most insignificant, worthless, wanna-be artist to hit the scene since the beginning of the Brooklyn hipster infestation. You are not “pushing boundaries” or “cutting edge” - you are simply doing what it appears you are doing: vomiting milk. You are making patterns on a canvas that any 2 year old, monkey or human, can do by just spitting the milk directly from your mouth; or even pouring it right out of the glass; OR EVEN USING REAL FUCKING PAINT YOU FUCKING ATTENTION-STARVED BITCH! But noooooo – you must vomit it for the LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE factor! I fucking hate people like you that get their 15 minutes for doing absolutely nothing. You are simply just another turd in the long line of turds that claim “anything can be art”.  People like you are dumbing art down to dirt. I can just imagine a room full of wine and cheese poseurs watching you “perform” your talentless act of vomiting; all pretending to be part of some intellectual gathering of some sort – but all are actually complete nobodies trying to fool the person next to them. What a sick bunch of try-hards.

Arty the Seal: On vaginal knitting.


Here’s a hipster from Australia – a place that’s been heavily infested with hipsters over the past several years. She claims to be a “performer/craftivist” who knits out of her vagina. Watch the nasty video and then let’s see what Arty the Seal has to say about it.


You nasty hipster bitch! Anything for attention with you people. This is NOT art. Everything with you talentless lemmings is ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART. You are knitting – something millions of women have done forever, but you keep the wool in your pussy instead of a basket next to you. Then you whimsically ramble on for 2 minutes and 50 seconds about it; trying to shape it into some deep philosophical act but in the end its just you being gross for attention. I don’t know what’s worse: the person doing the meaningless and pathetic “art” or the audience of hipster fucks who stand there having wine and cheese pretending to understand it and be trendy. It’s a sad world we live in where complete failures who are usually supported by their parents end up in our once normal, affordable, truly cultural cities full of real people and destroy it with their “whimsy and quirkiness“. Keep your nasty “craftivist” (<– another made up hipster title) twat in Australia and don’t even think about coming to that magical place full of vibrant creative types you’ve been reading about called Brooklyn.

Arty the Seal says….

Now let’s hear what Arty the Seal has to say about this.

Translation: Ok, I’ll give you this much, you have a hot body, but let’s get down to business. You fucking homogenizing hipsters think everything you do and see is ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART. This is not art; this is a woman who back in Culdesacia, Michigan was told she was amazing in her 4th grade play and now thinks bathing in milk in a filthy backyard in Bushwick while babbling meaningless ‘deep’ words is art. It’s not – you are simply a talentless gentrifier. Oh, you’re so gritty but you’re not. And to be honest, I don’t know who I hate more – the ‘artist’ or the lemming audience who is pretending to understand the meaning of it all that us uncultured Brooklyn natives can’t grasp because we didn’t go to some flyover state liberal art school. What a bunch of pathetic Brooklyn-ruining pieces of shit. You are not artists – not one of you. You are space-wasting, rent-raising, cool-hunting, Brooklyn-pussifying, frauds.

Arty the Seal says…


Yet another irritating and pointless Kickstarter campaign has been launched; this time by Howard (the female) and Bland (the kazoo-voiced male) to install art chairs attached to all the scaffolding around the city. Let’s hear what Art the Seal has to say about this:


TRANSLATION: This is not ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART you infinite leisure time interlopers. This is absolutely stupid and even potentially dangerous. What kind of real New Yorker (human or seal) has the time or desire to sit on a chair attached to a scaffold in the middle of the day??? We don’t. The only people that would are staycationing Calebs, Harrisons, Quinns, Mollys and Megans as they stroll from latte shop to gallery to overpriced boutique without anything to do during normal working hours or on break during their ‘creative jobs’. This is not art. If I simply dumped a couple of old chairs that I didn’t want anymore near a scaffold – would anyone say “hey look, it’s art!” NO! Because it’s not. Just listen to that video as they talk about this project with such importance as if they are going to restructure the entire subway system. The sense of entitlement is sickening; they want to change how we look at our city. THEY WANT TO CHANGE IT FOR US! THEY THINK THEY KNOW WHAT WE WANT! Just listen to them. And for pledging $5.00 you get a virtual hug! These perpetual and ceaseless kidults make me so sick with their projects and mentalities. Please go back to your one-horse towns and play with art over there. You have homogenized this city beyond belief already.

Arty the Seal Critiques.

Translation: This isn’t art you mother fucking hipster piece of shit. This is using a fad created by wanna-be urban lumberjacks on estrogen to appeal to those wanna-be urban lumberjacks on estrogen. This is the product of a gentrifier who has a lice beard and has been riding on the Obama bandwagon. There is no HOPE in piss beer. There is no PROGRESS after drinking it unless of course you are a fly-over land try-hard who has an all expense paid playcation in Nieuw Breukelen – the land of art and whimsy. People who consider this to be art have made-up job titles, pay $4.00 for coffee, wear scarfs in the summer, pay $100 for a bag of groceries and have cupcake fetishes. Please remove all your bullshit art from Brooklyn and bring it back to your hometowns and see if farmer Sam appreciates it.

Arty the Seal Critiques: “Art”

Welcome to a new segment called Arty the Seal Critiques: “Art”. This segment is dedicated to pointing out that everything is not ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART that these hipsters make although they think it is because it’s just way too easy to slap the word art on it and call yourself an artist. A fan and commenter ‘DIEHIPSTERSCUM’ was nice enough to make this graphic of Arty the Seal that you see to your left. I love it. I mean, I liked my shitty one I made the other day, but this one is much better. So basically Arty will tell you in a video what he thinks about the “so-called art” featured in the post and then I will translate it for you. By the way, Arty is a hipster hating seal that lives in the NY Aquarium in Coney Island – real Brooklyn. He barks like an alarm when he sees an out of place hipster who has crossed the red line into southern Brooklyn and is wearing a ski hat and scarf in 85 degree weather on the boardwalk.

Link: The Brooklyn Paper – Under the Muck.

Today Arty the Seal critiques a “team of artists” who have “unleashed a fleet of remote controlled toy mini-boats” into the Newtown Creek equipped with underwater cameras to record the toxic sludge and human waste that lie beneath. You’re probably wondering – where’s the art? Hipsters sure do have a fascination with toxic creeks and canals in Brooklyn, don’t they? They eat, drink and play right along them (Gowanus and Newtown) all the time. So let’s hear what Arty has to say.


You stupid fucking Megans. This is not art! I repeat, THIS IS NOT ART ART ART ART ART. This is a junior high school science project at best. I know when your airplane from Wisconsin landed in JFK a couple years ago you delusionally heard the flight attendant announce “you may now unfasten your seatbelts and call yourself a Brooklyn artist” but wake the fuck up you frauds. Stop pointing at everything and pretending you have some keen artistic eye. You suck walrus cock. I should bitch flipper slap you. How can you display a video of toxic sludge and human shit in an art gallery and not realize that you are a fucking try-hard. REMEMBER! ITS NOT ART!