Yarn Bombing? Get the fuck outta here.

Watch as “London” who is somehow able to survive in the most expensive place on earth as a “crochet artist” uses her infinite leisure time to “yarn bomb” her favorite train – the L. People are bustling around, trying to go home or work and London is just silently yelling LOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEE on her whimsical Brooklyn playdate. Yes, this is what Culdesacian hipsters do with their $100,000 art school educations. Notice how she says she made all those pieces for other uses like hats and scarfs but never ended up using them yet they are all exact perfect fit for a train pole? Yeah, she didn’t premeditate this AT ALL. And if we all close our eyes and focus all our energy really hard - then it will rain cupcakes and magical rainbows and unicorns will appear too! Hooray for London!!! She made it to Nieuw Breuckelen!!!!

 

Block of wood with hole: $65.00

Canadiano_MapleSome hipsters up in Canada, where they probably say “like, eyyy duuuude” instead of “like, yaaaa duuuude” have found yet another way to play woodshop while incorporating it with the beverage they’ve destroyed: coffee. Yes, you can now own your very own block of wood with a hole in the middle for only $65! Yes Parker, Sallinger, Hudson, and Langston have come together with their 16 + combined years of liberal art school education to bring you this whimsical coffee filter. Look at this video from their site – its come to the point where hipsters simply make fun of themselves because there is no escape from the ridicule anymore, yet they still in the back of their dirty skulls believe they are discovering things and helping the world.

 

 

 

 

Link: The Canadiano – a block of wood with a hole.

CitiBike program failing as predicted; needs millions to bail out.

citibikehipsterHow stupid can this city be? Didn’t they notice how empty all the unnecessary bike lanes were prior to the CitiBike program? You can stand in one of the hundreds of bike lanes for up to an hour sometimes without seeing one bike. Wasn’t that the ultimate indicator that we don’t need these unused, space-wasting, bike rack monstrosities all over the place? Well I’m glad to see one of Bloomberg’s babies failing. I saw this one failing from the day it was announced.

Link: NY Post – Citibike’s in the RED

 

citibikehipster2I hate when left wing hips/yups try to convince politicians to implement programs for this city and country that work in socialist European countries 1/20th of our size and population. Some things will just never work here like they work in Sweden, Denmark or The Netherlands. Now of course, backers of the Citibike program are looking for taxpayer bailouts for this “LOOOK AT MEEEE” program. Fuck that shit! You are not using my tax dollars so some playcationing fauxhemian can rent a bike to go to Whole Foods to buy locally-sourced hydroponic arugala and cage-free chicken stock.

 

 

citibikesnowAnd lastly, didn’t the city realize that we actually have WINTER here in the Northeast? That you can’t really ride a bike comfortably when you factor in the wind once the temperature goes below 40 degrees? That we get SNOWSTORMS? That plows pile snow up along the same side walks as these ugly bikes are parked? That in that snow is WATER along with corrosive salt and chemicals that will probably damage the bikes as they sit buried for days or weeks at a time?

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Homogenizing Harrison deciding which parentally issued credit card to use to pay for his “Save Brooklyn” tattoo that was inked onto his popsicle stick wrist. So I placed a GPS tag on his Iditarod dog sledding hat and later tracked him down to Roberta’s $16 beard hair and cigarette ash pizza slice shop and beat him into a paralyzed beardo with his own iPad. End of story. 

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Keegan, Wagner, Ward and Caleb celebrating 3 years in the magical land of Nieuw Breuckelen over some $9.00 happy hour craft ales at the Newtown Creek yacht club. So I dressed up like the Pringle’s man to make them feel comfortable and said “I’ll be your new bartender” as I took the soda gun hose and simultaneously strangled their toilet paper tube necks. End of story.

Barista arrives in 2008; is now Greenpoint expert.

So a Molly (yep, another Molly), who arrived to Brooklyn a long, long 5 1/2 years ago in 2008, wrote a wayyyyy too long article about the complicated and excruciating life of a barista and her vast knowledge of Greenpoint – 5,606 words to be exact. Yes, 5,606 words about Greenpoint and only mentions the word “Polish” once. That is how self-centered and narcissistic these fucking transient hipsters are. Every single day, practically, they write articles about coffee, beer, food or the “current” neighborhood they live in as if they lifted a rock, or maybe a wooden board, OK let’s be realistic – we’re talking about hipster strength – a piece of loose leaf paper and discovered these things.

Link: TheAwl.com – Inside the Barista Class

I’m not writing this rant to knock people in the service industry; I’m writing about the supposedly “educated”, “creative”, and “talented” crowd who’ve been swarming into our cities for the last 10-15 years taking these jobs while they wait to be “discovered” and making these jobs seem whimsical. I’ve got news for you Zoey – if you’re selling 10 craft bracelets a month on Etsy while being a part-time kale ‘n egg brunch server - give it up and go back to Michigan. I’ve also got news for you Brent – if you’re over 25 and can only play smelly hipster dive bars or attract 8 people on the Bedford Ave L train platform – you ain’t getting discovered. Do you fucking hipsters ever wonder that maybe if you weren’t ADULTS with so many exposed tattoos, pierced noses and stretched earlobes, dirty and purposely messy hair that MAYBE, just MAYBE you’d be more presentable and get the jobs you really wanted?

baristahipster2

So Molly, if you’re reading this, next time you might want to consider mentioning a bit more, the families of various nationalities that have been in Greenpoint for the last 50 – 100 years that had to leave to make way for insufferable, whiny, playcationers like yourself who play with chemistry set coffee makers.

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Quaid the jockey whip-armed, rent-raising, monocle wearing, hipster piece of fucking shit chaining his rusty Schwinn to a normal Brooklynite’s front gate. So I dissolved him in a barrel of acid, poured him into a water balloon, drove to Wisconsin and threw it at his enabling Daddy’s face. End of story.

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Conrad the red bearded, oar-shaped, North Brooklyn Craft University certified, artisanal pig butcherer heading to Ye Olde Shoppe which is located on a block full of bodegas and 99 cents stores in Bushwick where he sells a package of locally cured bacon for $36.00. So I took his imported Sperm Whale bone handled hacksaw and sawed him into the gender puzzled puzzle he really is. End of story.

Unfinished, ugly hipster tables: Only $3000

Here is a classic example of a talentless, Brooklyn-ruining, hipster hobbyist who thinks they are some sort of world-renowned craftsman trying to push their worthless, amateurish shit created on their infinite leisure time Brooklyn playdate. Just look at these ugly, unfinished tables he is trying to sell for up to $3000. What a fucking joke these people are. However I actually can imagine some Hayden and Penelope inviting their smug hipster friends over for an organic dinner party and showing off this “unique” table. I can’t fucking stand these people. Get the fuck outta Brooklyn already!

Here is his whimsical “About” statement -

About Steffen

WHITE & WOOL is the collaborative effort of Steffen Ringelmann, a designer-maker with extensive carpentry and fabrication experience, and Sara Spieker, a skilled project and studio manager with over ten years of retail experience at a high level. The Brooklyn-based studio specializes in the design, restoration and styling of commercial and residential interiors, including bars, restaurants, educational environments, offices, studios, lofts and homes. Custom furniture design and fabrication is a specialty as well.
With a Master of Arts Degree in Contemporary Design from Sotheby’s Institute of Art, Ringelmann’s advanced knowledge of 20th century European & American design history deeply informs his current creative process. As both a practicioner and historian of painting, sculpture, graphic design and furniture design, Ringelmann’s approach to interior design is profoundly multidisciplinary, yet always cohesive. Together, Ringelmann and Spieker share a belief that interiors not only facilitate lifestyle, but inspire life more deeply. While many considerations go into the design and fabrication of an interior, White & Wool’s goal is in fact quite simple; to awaken our senses so we are present and engaged for life’s most special moments.

Link: CustomMade.com – $3000 ugly “hand crafted” tables.

unfinished-table