Today, I saw Colby, 28 and Tanner, 30 having a gentrification play-date sleepover on the rooftop of their $2500 studio they scored in Bed-Stuy. So I pissed on their virtual campfire i-Phone app; zipped them up in their free-trade biodegradable sleeping bags and beat them unconscious with a Direct TV satellite dish. End of story.
It’s been brought to my attention that one of the 198,244 unique, local, sustainable artists of Bushpointburg has a must-have item up for sale on Craigslist - a true piece of carefully hand-crafted art/furniture for your overpriced ”kewel zip-code” apartment. It’s a ladder with two board. Like, yah.
Did I mention it’s “upcycled”?? What the fuck is upcycled? It’s just another catch-phrase made by the hipster crowd of transient kale eating fucks to make their meaningless art and hobbies sound better. Upcycled is simply another word for “made”. God I hate these people. I think I’m going to respond to this parentally funded artisté and tell him I need this delivered to me at the Coney Island projects tonight at 1 am.
As I was scrolling through this list of “Only Famous in New York” people, I was praying that Matthew Silver the fraudulent, wanna-be loony person would not show up – and he didn’t. Why? Because like I said he’s a fucking fraud – a transient hipster piece of attention-starved shit. Sorry Matthew, I guess you’ll have to keep screaming in Union Square in your soiled green Speedo waving a rubber chicken around for another decade before you get “noticed”. Get a job. Oh, and I know you are reading this and very upset you didn’t make the list. I know this would have been a milestone in your amazing career. You are nothing but another try-hard hipster in a long line of try-hard hipsters who are taking up precious space in Brooklyn.
Recently I posted about a woman who literally dropped everything and moved to France on a kale crusade. I really don’t have the energy to rant about this one – so just read this N.Y. Times piece about hipsters ruining Paris. What can’t these bastards ruin? When will it end?
Today, as I was pissing on an urban, sustainable, hipster radish garden in Nieuw Bozwik, I saw Baker typing up a raving Yelp review of a tofurkey panini he had at Sawyer’s “Real NY” Deli that still has the ‘Hector’s Auto Repair Shop’ sign in front. So I dragged him by his windshield wiper arms to an A & S Pork Store in actual Brooklyn and ran his bearded Spin Doctor face through the cold cut slicer. End of story.
Zany Zane, a previous winner of the “LOOOOOK AT MEEEE” award is back for more attention. I wonder what it’s like to go through life being nothing more than a punchable hipster fuck who poses for beard pictures? Check out the nasty video of him at the bottom eating French fries out of his disgusting pigeon shit nest. I can just picture this attention-starved jerkoff putting on a show in the Bedford Ave L train station, surrounded by a bunch of kazoo-voiced, bearded, recent arrivals from Flyoverlandia who aspire to be like him one day thinking “Brooklyn is so kewel” as they head to their assistant creative skate board repairman jobs in a gritty, abandoned and converted poultry slaughter house in Bushwick. Hey Zane…keep growing that beard so I can hunt you down and asphyxiate you with it.
No he didn’t steal a Macbook. It seems this hipster needed his fix of local, sustainable, organic fruit no matter what. After using his last $3200 of his trust fund to pay this month’s rent for an amazing studio in an “up and coming naaaaaaaabe” without kitchen and a community bathroom in the hallway, he had no other choice but to steal an apple from a Greenpoint fruit store. When confronted, he choked the employee who caught him and bit his ear. This is an unbelievable amount of strength for a hipster to possess; normally they have trouble carrying a bag of locally-sourced popcorn or cruelty-free cotton balls up one flight of stairs.
Today, for election day, I saw Terence the tattooed fishing rod wearing an ironic Ed Koch for Mayor shirt even though he was a 7 year old Play-Doh sculptor in Wisconsin back then. So I flung an ax into his communion wafer chest and asked him – “How am I doin’?”. End of story.
Every year, the day after Halloween I have the same thought. The thought is: what if I put on a ball-crushing skinny jeans; Buddy Holly glasses; a fake beard; filthy Converse sneakers and a scarf and walked around Bushpointburg all day on Halloween? For me, this would be absolutely wearing a costume because IT IS A FUCKING COSTUME! Yet not one piece if shit hipster I would pass would think twice. Isn’t that insane? Isn’t it absolutely crazy that you could transform yourself into a ridiculous looking lemming – go to a neighborhood and not look weird? These spoiled fucks are in costume all year long. Every day is Halloween to them. Now what I mentioned is just your standard annoying hipster uniform – then you have the people that walk around, daily, like emaciated lumberjacks; Civil War Re-enactors; failed rock stars; the Pringles man; Amish windmill builders; 1912 paperboys; 1960′s librarians; tattooed fishing rods; and penny farthing salesmen. Did I leave anything out? Why oh why did this plague have to come to Brooklyn??? WHYYYYY?