Today, I saw “creative-types” Lockett, Baylor and Emerson sewing summer scarfs in McCarren Park while sipping on some estrogen-infused kale smoothies. So I pulled down their Laurel and Hardy derby hats over their eyes and rammed their crochet needles into their jugulars. End of story.
Ok, I have to give this beta-male Caleb-looking beardo motherfucker a slight pass for being able to parody his and his entire network of transient cockrag hipster’s temporary Brooklyn lives – it still doesn’t negate the fact that these try-hards are incredibly corny, out-of-place and have made Brooklyn unlivable for so many normal natives and immigrant families; I still hate hipsters and wish the hipster invasion never happened. But it is what it is, and this is a pretty good response to the sickening and inaccurate video released by Virginia transplant and 4 year Brooklyn resident Catey Shaw a couple of weeks ago. Take it away Caleb!
Well, over in LIC it looks like Sawyer, the bearded, cat whisker-limbed, out-of-place, temporary New Yorker has resorted to his old huffing and puffing strategy from when he was a spoiled little boy back in Cul-de-Sacia, USA. He threw a fit over not being able to board a bus in between it’s scheduled stops; so he stood in front, blocking it, with the mentality of “If I can’t take this bus – nobody can!”. Just like when Mommy said “Sawyer, Zach’s Chuck E Cheese birthday party is over, we have to go home now” or when Mommy gave cousin Candace who was visiting for the holidays once, the last Rice Krispy treat. These kind of situations put the average self-important, smug hipsters into nasal rage. I’m glad this video ended with Sawyer being denied and walking away with his murse and dragging his next ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART project behind him. Pack it up Sawyer, this city isn’t for you, bitch.
This just sent me into a violent rage! There will be plenty of hipster beatings tonight after I get liquored up. Look at this fucking hipster romper room kidult bullshit! Cup cake tattoos! Flower beards! AND NOW YARN BIKES! Take this fucking shit back to your fly-over state suburban cul-de-sacs you fucking bitches! If I ever see the flower bearded, scallion-armed, latte foam happy face making Caleb that rides this fucking thing I’m going clothesline him so hard that his Adam’s Apple is going to come out of his eye socket.
Not only are hipsters gentrifiers, rent raisers, interlopers, transients, homogenizers and pussifiers – they are now wanna-be terrorists. Atleast that’s what I’m gathering from today’s NY Post cover – unless its the Post telling hipsters to surrender to real NYers and get the fuck out of our city already. I dare the beardos that they possibly catch to say this was ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART.
Today, I saw Buchanan riding his penny farthing along the Coney Island boardwalk in his jorts, bowtie and a triangular revolutionary war hat. So I stuck a kids toy shovel in the spokes; picked him up & slung his marionette-like body over my shoulder; rode to the top of the Wonder Wheel and leaped off, pile driving him through the roof of Ruby’s where I proceeded to have a knish and ice-cold beer. End of story.
A long, long four years ago, Catey Shaw moved to Brooklyn from Virginia. The rest is history. She came to do something zany and out-of-the-box that many young people rarely try these days: go to art school. Well, after 4 back breaking years in the ‘hood – filled with boutiques, pretentious fusion food, and $7.00 lattes – she’s decided to release a song that encompasses the life and struggles of what she and so many of her glow-in-the-sun, faux-artsy, nasally uptick-voiced, parentally-subsidized friends are, called: “Brooklyn Girls”. This is a smack in the face to the HBO show “Girls” which really describes what real Brooklyn girls are all about.
Thanks for keeping it real Catey; when this video goes global, the world will finally see what ALL of Brooklyn is like: street art, L train rides, and paid black female extras that dance and sing on the stoops of $2000 1-bedroom apartment buildings with white art school girls. BK ALL DAY BABY!
Here are the lyrics:
When they walk in, they rule the world
Tough and pretty, break the rules
Brooklyn girls (x 4)
Jay-Z bumps in our headphones
Drinks on top of the brownstones
Get it on in the bathroom stall
Sunset girls acting prissy
Won’t get far in the city
We will freeze up your popsicle
‘Cuz we play rough and gritty
They all wanna catch our kitty
And there’s no use denyin’
That tonight we run the island
Wait for the L train
Bedford to Broadway…
This is from exactly a year ago but I never saw it and it was just emailed to me. Check out this mismatched, multi-colored, attention-needing beardo getting tripped by a spectator as he tried to run along side a cyclist during the Tour de France. It’s safe to say he got his much needed attention. Hysterical.
Hipsters are now putting flowers in their hipster beards. Ok, this is straight up gay. And I’m not knocking gays; I’m knocking straight males who aren’t acting like men but rather like soft pussies and emasculating society. I know gay men who are 20 X manlier than the average hipster. But I guess when you don’t actually work – having a messy beard, sleeve and neck tattoos, and wear costumes – you have time to insert fucking flowers into your facial flea circus and be an attention-starved pussy searching for ‘looks’ from the general public. The only upside to this latest “LOOK AT ME” trend is that a swarm of pollinating bees might attack one of these Logans’ or Calebs’ faces.