Today’s hipster beating.

Today, at the healthy Whole Foods built near the toxic Gowanus canal, I was spraying the organic overpriced vegetables with pesticide and I overheard Gunner and Xander in the next aisle discussing beard waxing techniques. So I pushed over the entire aisle divider/shelf full of $18 sustainable pickles in mason jars and crushed their mozzarella stick shaped bodies. End of story.

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw 36 year old red bearded Tristan unicycling to xylophone refurbishing class at the Wisconsin Liberal Arts Academy Annex in Upper Nieuw Bozwick. So I body slammed him face first and played the entire album of Black Sabbath’s Paranoid on his spinal cord like a xylophone with two sledgehammers. End of story.

Smug transplant educates us on bodegas.

fernandez-bodegaAgree with me or not – but growing up in Brooklyn, we did not call every single grocery store, candy store, newsstand, or convenience store, a “bodega”. A bodega was strictly a store run usually by Puerto Ricans or some kind of Hispanic nationality in neighborhoods like Sunset Park and Bushwick, etc,  that has the yellow sign (lots of times with the family name on it); plantains, mangos, and avocados in crates on display; predominantly Goya products on the shelf; a cat roaming around; and the front glass plastered with Newport, Marlboro and malt liquor signs. Sorry, but a store run by Arabs, Koreans, or any other is simply not a bodega if you ask me.

Link: Thrillest.com – 24 signs your Bodega sucks.

Now, read this list of complaints made by some smug fucking hipster jack-ass transplant who thinks every store is a bodega and needs to be perfect for his out-of-state, upper-middle class, culdesacian ass. Here are some of his more nonsensical complaints:

They don’t give you a sleeve with your coffee. This is just plain wrong. – Aww, I’m so sorry you poor little fucking baby. Go back to your 7 – 11 back in Michigan and put 5 sleeves on your fucking coffee.

They don’t even have one craft beer. Seriously, have you seen the selection at some of the places these days? Are you kidding you wanna-be beer connoisseur? No craft beer is a game changer for you, you smug fuck? I hope some thug cracks a 40 of OE over your head next time a place doesn’t have “craft beer”.

They don’t take credit cards, and their ATM charges $3 or more. – Don’t you mean they don’t take Daddy’s credit card?

They don’t sell any two-ply toilet paper. We’re not barbarians. – That’s right you’re not; you’re elitist, spoiled, Brooklyn-ruining hipster fucks. Who would complain about not having two-ply toilet paper when they have to take the biggest shit of their lives?

JUST GET FUCK OUT OF NYC ALREADY YOU PAMPERED WANNA-BE URBAN HIPSTER FUCKS!!!! YOU ARE BEYOND USELESS.

 

 

 

 

 

The Oregon Trustfundless Bandit is Caught!

police-sketch

Looks like “Thaddeus’s” trust fund ran out and apparently so did his luck at getting away with robbing hipster clothing stores like American Apparel and Urban Outfitters in Oregon. Police say when they found him he was wearing manly purple leg warmers. Well, at least that’s one less useless kidult who won’t be coming to Brooklyn.

Link: NY Daily News – Oregon police arrest fedora-wearing hipster bandit.

What the fuck is happening to the male society???

image

This is completely draining. It’s just far beyond sad and beyond repair – unless of course we eliminate all hipsters. Just look at this carbon copied sheep saying “I would breast feed if I could.”

You can literally take this off-the-assembly-line rent-raiser and place him in multiple settings like: behind a coffee shop counter; on stage in a dive bar behind a Casio keyboard playing in some never to be known indie band; an i-Phone commercial; etc. We’ve seriously got to take back our cities and country from these estrogenized faux-lumberjacks.

This Week’s i-Stole Report

mugger-63571228It’s been a while since I posted some North Brooklyn i-Stole reports from the Brooklyn Paper. This week had some gems of clueless culdesacians getting their shit jacked. When will they learn they aren’t in an Iowan Dairy Queen parking lot any more? Here we go:

 

A thief walked into a Bedford Avenue restaurant on March 28 and stole $20 in cash from the tip jar, police reported.

The manager of the eatery between N. Sixth and N. Seventh streets said the thief came in at 9:30 pm, grabbed the cash, and skedaddled.

The manager chased the rapscallion and caught up to him at Metropolitan and Union avenues, where the bandit flashed a knife, prompting the boss to give up his pursuit, cops said.

Like a kid stealing a cookie from the cookie jar while his Mom isn’t look; except I’m pretty sure thief looked straight into Caleb the counterboy’s face and took the money.

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A prowler crept into a N. Seventh Street home on March 28 and stole a purse off of a kitchen table while the victim was sleeping and her boyfriend was watching TV, according to cops.

The victim’s boyfriend reported he was watching television in the living room of the home between Kent and White avenues at 11 pm when he heard a noise in the kitchen.

He went to investigate and found his girlfriend’s bag — which held her hat, credit card, and books — missing.

These people fucking amaze me! Two of them home – one sleeping and the other awake watching TV with the FUCKING FRONT DOOR UNLOCKED AT 11pm!!! How stupid can you be??? Oh yeah well, look who we’re talking about.

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A pair of scoundrels stole a laptop out of Franklin Street store when the clerk was distracted on March 29, officers said.

The victim told police she was working at the store between Milton Street and Greenpoint Avenue at 9:55 am when two lowlifes came in.

While the clerk was helping someone else, the jerks grabbed the laptop off of the counter, put it in a duffel bag, and ran out, a report shows.

One Macbook – comin’ right up!

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A burglar stole $23,000 in cash out of a N. Sixth Street cash machine on March 23, according to authorities.

The manager of a business center between Berry and Wythe avenues stated that he went into work at 1 pm and found the dollar dispenser damaged and all the money gone.

Cha-ching! Homey got paid! It’s ok though – Mason’s daddy will fill that machine back up in no time straight from the Bank Of Minnesota.

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A lowlife cyclist snatched an iPhone out of a woman’s hand as she was walking down Olive Street on March 27, police said.

The 33-year-old victim said she was walking at Devoe Street at 8:45 pm when the bandit rode up behind her, grabbed the device, and kept riding.

The woman used an app to track the phone to Stagg Walk, but then the signal was lost, according to authorities.

LOL  I can just picture this Molly screeching into her iPhone back to a suburb in Cupcake County, Oregon about how great the magical land of Nieuw Breuckelen is when: Whoooosh! Vrroooooom! Later!

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Two stealth bandits walked into a fancy clothing store on Grand Street on March 28 and walked out with a number of high-end items, cops said.

The manager of the store between Roebling and Havemeyer Streets said the devious duo came in at 6:50 pm, grabbed a designer jacket and three sweaters, and left without paying. Together, the items were worth $1,021, a report shows.

Two stealth bandits??? I don’t believe you need be be stealthy at all when trying to rob these naive interlopers. Just walk in and grab what you need!