Today, I saw 37 year old, quirky Quaid feeding quinoa to his urban quails. So I shot a flaming arrow into his fruit roll up neck which ignited his Merlin the Magician beard which incinerated his ugly, smug, vapid gentrification face. End of story.
Today, I saw Bryce and Caleb flailing their Ally McBeal arms and drowning in toxic fecal sludge after their canoe tipped over in the Gowanus Canal during their mid-week mid-work day paddling session. So I yelled “hold on guys, I’ll get help!” as I jumped in my car and drove away to L & B Pizzeria in real Brooklyn and enjoyed a couple of the best squares on earth. End of story.
Meet, you guessed it – Zack! From, you guessed it – Ohio! Because it’s a myth that people with names like Zack, Caleb, Logan, and Mason come to Brooklyn from places like Ohio, Wisconsin, and Michigan for zany gentrification fun. Yeah, I was just making that up all these years. Anyway as I type this, he has collected over $16,000 on Kickstarter, with 25 fucking days to go, to make potato salad but all he asked for was $10. The tech website C-NET and a local news station somehow found out about what they probably thought was a joke and posted it and it went viral with douchebags who pledged money calling this “epic’ and “legendary”. Look at Zack now: looks pretty normal and non-hipsterish if you ask me. But you just wait. I’d say there is about a 70% chance Zacky comes to the Holy Land of Bushpointburg to open an artisanal specialty potato salad shop – (probably with a quirky name like: P.S. I Love You) and transforms himself into an overly-tattooed, rolled-up jeans wearing, Cap’n Crunch moustached hipster fuck. Bets anyone? Bets?
Yes folks. The pseudo-eccentric, attention-starved hipster Matthew Silver – who is worth less than the sidewalk gum he performs on – is back. Instead of staying across the street at his usual spot where he displays his ability to do absolutely nothing, he ran into Whole Foods and Forever 21 in Union Square to unleash his amazing power of “spreading love” on people just trying to get through their day of work or shopping. My God, what an annoying, tired, boring, try-hard. Matthew, just give it up; take a shower and shave and go to work. You need to stop thinking you are going to go down in NYC History as some unforgettable act that helped change society. Grow the fuck up already.
Next some other “artist” tried to pass off renting a prison style room on AirBnb which they did not allow him to list. But guess who saw this as another LOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEEE opportunity? Yep – Matthew Silver! ART ART ART!!!
Finally the GOOD NEWS: Someone sent me this from Matthew’s Facebook page. Matthew got booed by the whole audience and rejected on America’s Got Talent. He gets XXX’d out by all the celebrity judges including Howard Stern who also told Matthew he is wasting taxpayer money after Matthew admitted he received a grant. Can you believe this pretend-zany space waster got a grant for what he does??? How many “kids” out there with real talent could actually use a grant and this smelly fuck gets one? So there you have it – proof that Matthew Silver has GOT NO TALENT and now we know how this talentless hipster makes money: parents and taxpayers. (Click on picture to enlarge)
Today, I saw Harrison the bearded, dog erection-armed “creative assistant” setting up his flea market table to sell lensless monocles for $125 each to other transplanted, parentally subsidized, Brooklyn-ruining hipster fucks. So I filled a pillow case with local, sustainable bocce balls and beat him into a coma. End of story.
This week’s “LOOOOK AT MEEEEEE” Awards go to a species of hipsters that’s been familiar to this site over the years: The Dumpster Diver Hipsters. Yes, these kind of hipsters live in gentrified $2400 – $4800 apartments; own plenty of the latest Apple products; own $1100 bicycles – all usually thanks to their parents – YET, they love to hang out near or inside of dumpsters and especially eat the food from them. Here’s an article and picture from Grub Street about a “Brooklyn-Based” (damn, I hate that word) Supper Club. Just look at those fucking attention-starved transplanted “foodies”. This was supposed to be a fund-raiser for some “cause”. I guarantee that “cause” was nothing more than some other meaningless, selfish hipster charity. In the end, it’s always about trying to show that “they can be poor and under-privileged too – when they want to be“.
Today, I saw Quaid, the red bearded pussification pioneer exploring Sunset Park and Bay Ridge to open up a peanut butter and jelly taco cafe to help lure in more fly swatter shaped fauxhemian transplants and “make things better” for us here in still-normal Brooklyn. So I dipped into my 4th of July fireworks stash and tied a case of whistling bottle rockets around his waist and launched him back to his cul-de-sac in Wisconsin. End of story.
A South African beer company has started an anti-hipster ad campaign to promote its beer. Ok so the jokes aren’t anything new but still – it’s good to see a corporation not jumping on the bandwagon to sell to hipsters like so many cellphone, liquor, car, and fast food companies do. Or, is this some genius reverse-psychology ad campaign to get these fucking sheep to drink that beer? Maybe! Let’s hope it really is true hate though, but I can actually picture two scenarios where hipsters actually would drink this:
1. Hayden (32, wearing jeans that Mick Jagger couldn’t even fit into, with a Duck Dynasty beard, Henry Kissinger thick framed glasses, and his grandfather’s 1949 Wisconsin High School tetherball team gym shirt) says: Yaaaa deeeeed, look at this beer company’s ads. I fucking hate hipsters too; they’re ruining it for everyone, everywhere. I am totally drinking this in support.
2. Hayden (same age and dressed same way): Deeeeed, I fucking hate the word hipster – what the fuck is a hipster maaaaan? It’s a made up word for people that don’t know how to have fun and stay ahead of the music and fashion curve. Yaahahahaha, let’s just drink it ironically and see what people say maaaaan. I totally want to be seen with this and be called a hipster – what the fuck is a hipster maaaaan.
Today, I saw Ward accidentally light his Salvador Dali moustache on fire as he lit his vintage 19th century Sherlock Holmes pipe that he bought for a mere $400 at the weekly played-out hipster taco and T-shirt flea market. So I quickly ran over with a fire extinguisher and slammed it over his fucking head. End of story.