Today, I saw Harrison the 32 year old, umbilical cord-shaped, Ulysses S. Grant bearded, 2 year Brooklyn veteran celebrating with other gentrifiers for his promotion from ‘guy-who-rolls-up-electrical-cords-after-a-rock-show-in-a-dive-bar’ to bartender. So I doused him with Bacardi 151 and rubbed his No. 2 pencil arms together to cause friction and set him on fire. End of story.
TORONTO – another city infiltrated by hipster shitrags. Look this fucking incredible douchebag leprechaun hipster who deserves to be beaten with box of Lucky Charms filled with cement. He didn’t want to move his bag off an empty seat so a woman could sit down. This pussy surely never was told NO growing up and got whatever he wanted by throwing tantrums. I’m quite sure of this. I’m also quite sure that if the woman had been 95 years old, pregnant, and on crutches – he would have acted the same way. I think I’m going to have to go up to Toronto and hunt this attention-starved piece of shit down and throw him a beatin’.
Some “Brooklyn-BASED” (God, I hate that word) artist, yep another A R T I S T named Gilf! has spent a day walking barefoot through NYC to raise awareness for people that don’t have shoes. But let’s face it – we know who she is really raising awareness for – HERSELF. Instead of making a video of her making shoes for others, donating shoes for others, or organizing something to get shoes for people, she makes a video of her walking barefoot through urine, sidewalk gum, rat hair and roach particles. This is just another one of those people splattering their paint and wheat paste and shapes on city walls – so played out already. Get a fucking job bitch. Our city and streets are over-saturated with fly-over state fauxhemian art art art art art art art art art art art. Here is one of her projects:
Hysterical if you ask me; she puts a GENTRIFICATION IS PROGRESS banner around the 5 Pointz building after it was painted white and announced that it was being sold to make condos or whatever. How ironic that a person who most likely transplanted to NYC, and has been probably constantly been moving to and living in “up and coming” areas of North Brooklyn and Queens, and being part of the gentrification process herself would put a banner up like this. YOU SHOULD MAKE A BILLBOARD WITH YOUR FUCKING FACE ON IT THAT SAYS GENTRIFICATION IN PROGRESS. Fuck! I hate these hypocrite hipster fucks so much.
Let hear what Arty the Seal has to say about this:
Translation: This is not art – at all. These are simply worthless and talentless transient hipster beardos (along with the try hard audience) begging to be edgy and raw but not succeeding. These are just dirty and disgusting, liberal art school, suburban rejects who have no other choice but to look identical to each other as they vacuum and dissolve Brooklyn’s real charm and identity. Can you imagine being on your knees with your finger up some filthy fucking beardo’s ass for hours and the climax of your fame for it is being destroyed on diehipster.com? Thanks to hipsters and their never-ending attempts at ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART – real art is dead.
So yesterday – overheard in Greenpoint – I swear.
Approximately 28 year old, Olive Oyl-physiqued, helium-voiced, transplant says to some Molly in the most infinite leisure time tone:
“Yah, soooo I found this sweet $1,800 a month 1 BR in, in, uhhm, “Gonowus”??? I think? It’s like, umm, North East from here [Greenpoint] with no trains. They mentioned it’s like a super fund site. But yah……… yah.”
You can’t make this fucking shit up. I felt like snapping every one of his coffee stirrer bones in half.
Today, I saw red bearded, Triple-AAA battery limbed Tristan loudly proclaim in a bar full of part-time vegans and 38 year old skate boarding baristas that he’s FROM Brooklyn. So I had no other choice but to beat him with a 2 X 4 for so long that all that was left in my hand was was a toothpick. End of story.
This hipster beardo jerkoff just might be the king of infinite leisure time – more than any other hipster we’ve ever seen. (And boy, do they have a lot of leisure time) Watch as this lice chauffer runs around Manhattan slapping [mostly] real New Yorkers high-five as they try to hail cabs and get on with their day and JOBS!!! Oh Kyle, you’re so zany and quirky! Yes, I know, these people who are on their way to places and are not jumping around like toddlers in a hipster uniform are very strange and need to lighten up on responsibility and follow in your footsteps, right Kyle? But you know what Kyle? I actually want you to continue doing this as much as I hate it because you are increasing the chance of you getting flattened by a bus or truck. Enjoy your playcation in New York you fucking bearded pile of shit.
Another pic sent in by http://instagram.com/EddieGoing.
Yes Zelda, it’s deep. Deep performance art that the average visionless, uncultured, knuckle-dragging native NYer can’t see or understand. Only your transplanted fellow millennial peers from liberal art schools in Oregon and Wisconsin can understand your art and your statement. Zelda, it must feel good that you can stand upside down in a diseased garbage can for your much-needed attention while your $2400 studio rent in Bushwick is being payed for by Mommy and Daddy VanNasalthroop. Congrats Zelda, you win the September 2014 “LOOOOOK AT MEEEEEE” Award. Yes, we see you.
Today, I saw Evan & Hayden walking to the gentrification gluten-free muffin shop in Bed-Stuy for a quick $16 breakfast before a long and hard day of being “creative”. So I gave them a much needed bath by Krazy Gluing their foreheads to the curb and and running them over with a street sweeper. End of story.