Today, I saw Mason the fly-weight fauxhemian, red bearded, ChapStick-armed, hardcore drug dealer of ‘The Shwick’ selling dime bags of kale to other organic sustainable interlopers during their 2 1/2 year gentrification playcations in Brooklyn. So I filled his Breuckelen Industries murse with dynamite and gun powder that leaked a long Wile E Coyote style trail back to his $3800 studio that I lit and blew his 106lb MichiWiscOhian body to pieces. End of story.
I can only wish the headline of this post was true. But over the weekend, a ‘dust devil’ appeared on a baseball field at McCarren Park – home of the infinite leisure time hipster. So this Grover-voiced and Grover-physiqued hipster whipped out his phone and caught it on video. Notice the video he uploaded to YouTube is titled “Dirtbag Hipster Twister” as if he hates hipsters. Yet this is him:
Now, you tell me he doesn’t sound like Grover?
Here is a shining example someone sent me from Reddit.com of a whining, out-of-place, transient hipster fuck. Now, I’m not saying I 100% approve of people getting drunk, stoned and being noisy in front of my home – but for some reason, I’ve managed to avoid that during my life-long existence in Brooklyn. Hipsters seem to delusionally think that wherever they go in search of that gritty, artsy urban experience, that everything and everyone will conform to them. Then they go to online forums for advice from other interlopers like themselves. Here is Linus’s Bushwick complaint:
I just moved to Bushwick from Sunset Park about a week ago. I’m living off of the Gates Ave J on Bushwick Avenue.
I know the neighborhood is relatively safe, with the application of some common street smarts and I also understand that it’s rapidly changing. Last night I had a bit of an issue though and was looking for some feedback/advice.
Last night when I got home from work there were two guys hanging out on the stoop. At first I thought nothing of it, but as the night went on they were still there, smoking weed, drinking and soliciting those walking by for money.
Around 1AM one of my neighbors came out and asked the guys to leave because they were making too much noise and didn’t live in the building. The guys surrounded my neighbor and intimidated him until he walked away and went inside. They then went back to the stoop and continued.
This made me feel extremely uncomfortable, as I thought they may have been casing the apartment building, or that there would have been some violence outside.
My question is, does this happen often in the neighborhood? What should I do if it happens again? Do I have the right to call the local precinct and have them deal with it?
This week’s LOOOOK AT MEEEEE award goes to these two hard working welders from Iron Worker’s Union Local 40. Photo sent in by contributor @eddiegoing on Instagram.
Thanks to the person who snapped this picture and sent it in. By now, you’ve probably heard that Austin is another city that has been infiltrated by the hipster plague. And here we see a typical transplanted lemming in his flood jeans, plaid shirt, thick frames and child molester moustache sucking on his PBR as his enabling parents stop by to check up on their talentless tampon and most likely to replenish his bank account for another year of gentrification and homogenization. I can only imagine how many times this “scene” has taken place here in Brooklyn.
Today, I saw “creative-types” Lockett, Baylor and Emerson sewing summer scarfs in McCarren Park while sipping on some estrogen-infused kale smoothies. So I pulled down their Laurel and Hardy derby hats over their eyes and rammed their crochet needles into their jugulars. End of story.
Ok, I have to give this beta-male Caleb-looking beardo motherfucker a slight pass for being able to parody his and his entire network of transient cockrag hipster’s temporary Brooklyn lives – it still doesn’t negate the fact that these try-hards are incredibly corny, out-of-place and have made Brooklyn unlivable for so many normal natives and immigrant families; I still hate hipsters and wish the hipster invasion never happened. But it is what it is, and this is a pretty good response to the sickening and inaccurate video released by Virginia transplant and 4 year Brooklyn resident Catey Shaw a couple of weeks ago. Take it away Caleb!
Well, over in LIC it looks like Sawyer, the bearded, cat whisker-limbed, out-of-place, temporary New Yorker has resorted to his old huffing and puffing strategy from when he was a spoiled little boy back in Cul-de-Sacia, USA. He threw a fit over not being able to board a bus in between it’s scheduled stops; so he stood in front, blocking it, with the mentality of “If I can’t take this bus – nobody can!”. Just like when Mommy said “Sawyer, Zach’s Chuck E Cheese birthday party is over, we have to go home now” or when Mommy gave cousin Candace who was visiting for the holidays once, the last Rice Krispy treat. These kind of situations put the average self-important, smug hipsters into nasal rage. I’m glad this video ended with Sawyer being denied and walking away with his murse and dragging his next ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART project behind him. Pack it up Sawyer, this city isn’t for you, bitch.
This just sent me into a violent rage! There will be plenty of hipster beatings tonight after I get liquored up. Look at this fucking hipster romper room kidult bullshit! Cup cake tattoos! Flower beards! AND NOW YARN BIKES! Take this fucking shit back to your fly-over state suburban cul-de-sacs you fucking bitches! If I ever see the flower bearded, scallion-armed, latte foam happy face making Caleb that rides this fucking thing I’m going clothesline him so hard that his Adam’s Apple is going to come out of his eye socket.