Today, I saw Palmer, Brice, Hamilton, and Hayden heading over to the new McCarren Park ice skating rink to play mid-work day, re-purposed hockey using umbrellas as sticks and an old vegan donut as a puck. So I stepped onto the ice with my Jason mask and asked to be goalie; when they all nasally said “sherrrr deeeeed” in unison, I took off a skate and decapitated them. End of story.
This is fucking pathetic: Hipsters who moved to Bushwick a few years ago complaining about hipsters moving in today. Don’t you just wanna smack all of them for being such clueless, out-of-place, gentrifying ignorant shits? This picture from the NY Post is of the rooftop of a new building that the hipsters of yesteryear (2009 LOL) are complaining about. Helllllllo???? You are to blame for any thing that worsened from when you moved in up until to today you fucking morons. Remember when you first went to Roberta’s Beard Hair Pizza Parlor? Remember that first talentless art gallery you went to? Remember your first $4.00 latte you had in Bushwick? Well that’s when it all started you filthy hipster fucking hypocrites. Just look at those two kidults on the rooftop see-saw of their $3000 parentally paid-for apartment; have you ever seen something more sickening? He’s pretty much posing for this article saying “yep, I’ll be enjoying my Peter-Pan lifestyle for as long as Daddy let’s me!!”.
“CastleBraid is stacked with amenities designed to appeal to the aspiring hipsters — including a recording studio, a wood shop, a screening room, a gym, a game room and even a digital-media lab.”
How are you supposed to use all those amenities when you have to go to work? Oh wait, silly me and my rhetorical questions. I guess the gym is for dodge ball, duck duck goose tournaments, and storage. And there just has to be a wood shop, you know, for that hipster who only 3 years ago was selling video games at a Game Stop in a mall in Wisconsin and is now a bearded urban 120lb North Brooklyn lumberjack.
God I hate these people. Just try to come down and gentrify still-normal Southern Brooklyn; I’ll fucking run your bearded, Woody Allen glasses-wearing, foie gras infused-cupcake eating ass over with a steam roller.
Here’s a hipster from Australia – a place that’s been heavily infested with hipsters over the past several years. She claims to be a “performer/craftivist” who knits out of her vagina. Watch the nasty video and then let’s see what Arty the Seal has to say about it.
You nasty hipster bitch! Anything for attention with you people. This is NOT art. Everything with you talentless lemmings is ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART. You are knitting – something millions of women have done forever, but you keep the wool in your pussy instead of a basket next to you. Then you whimsically ramble on for 2 minutes and 50 seconds about it; trying to shape it into some deep philosophical act but in the end its just you being gross for attention. I don’t know what’s worse: the person doing the meaningless and pathetic “art” or the audience of hipster fucks who stand there having wine and cheese pretending to understand it and be trendy. It’s a sad world we live in where complete failures who are usually supported by their parents end up in our once normal, affordable, truly cultural cities full of real people and destroy it with their “whimsy and quirkiness“. Keep your nasty “craftivist” (<– another made up hipster title) twat in Australia and don’t even think about coming to that magical place full of vibrant creative types you’ve been reading about called Brooklyn.
Today, I thought I saw a pilgrim from the Mayflower wandering around Brooklyn but it was actually Quaid who dresses like that all year long for attention who decided not to go back to the Midwest for Thanksgiving. So I stapled his fruit roll-up limbs to a wall and began firing 20lb rock hard frozen turkeys at him with my giant slingshot. End of story.
Yep it’s that time of the year again: the long 4 day Thanksgiving weekend. This is when it seems like almost all of the useless, rent-raising, costume-wearing, out-of-place, pseudo-creatives vanish back to their cul-de-sacs and one-horse towns. It’s where they will exaggerate to their enabling parents and family members that did not pioneer and discover Brooklyn about how well creative jobs are doing; how great their art projects are coming along; how successful their fusion food and craft businesses are; and how their “nabes” are changing for the
whiter better since more and more “vibrant, cultured visionaries” moved in. This is also a time of year along with Christmas time where after telling their families how amazing they are doing in Brooklyn, they can also recharge their parentally-issued credit cards and bank accounts for another year of funemployment, leisure, and art art art art! This happens to be a great time if you are a burglar – most likely these clueless hipsters have left their doors and windows unlocked because they believe in the good nature of people and the good vibes and karma of the “nabe”.
I can see it now back in Nebraskohiossipi: Aunt Mildred passes the cranberry sauce to Ethan her bearded turkey baster-shaped nephew visiting from Gowanus, Brooklyn. She asks “how is your urban farming doing Ethan? He says “like yah, it’s going sooooo well Aunt Mildred. The soil along the canal is like, amazing; my urban organic radishes are the size of footballs.” Aunt Mildred says “maybe it’s because I’ve read the soil is toxic from being industrial for so many years?” Ethan says “like, yah… but like, no…that’s just a myth; the ‘nabe’ of Gowanus has been home to artists and farmers like myself for over a century according to my buddy Quinn who rents kayaks at the canal. He’s been in Brooklyn since 2007 so he knows”.
Anyway my natives, immigrants, and normal assimilated transplants who live in infested areas – enjoy the next four days of peace and some-what normal streets. Happy Thanksgiving.
The Steamed Milker Band - Take the money from Mom This here's a story 'bout Billyburg Josh and Molly Sue Two middle aged hipsters - moved to Brooklyn to be cool They sit around the loft, eat kale, and watch Youtube And here's what happened when their parents cut them loose They headed down to, ooh, old El Bushwick That's where they ran into other fake Beatniks Billyburg Josh, has the physique of a broomstick Molly Sue got some money from mom Go on take the money from mom Go on take the money from mom Go on take the money from mom Go on take the money from mom Billyburg Zack suffers from nasalitis You know he's an artist - but needs a lot of practice He ain't gonna let nobody know he's useless He makes his livin' off selling moustache waxes. Molly Sue - like, yah - she's molding clay. Billyburg Josh is straight - but passes for gay. They got Mom's money, hey You know they got their way They still running from the hipster beater 'til this day Singin', go on take the money from mom. Go on take the money from mom Go on take the money from mom Go on take the money from mom Go on take the money from mom Go on take the money from mom Go on take the money from mom
Today, I saw Ace, the 29 year old, Gorton’s Fisherman bearded skateboarder turned Ye Olde Brooklyn Blacksmith from Nebraska walking through Park Slope in his Upper Middle Class homeless costume. So I went to Ace Hardware, bought a nail gun and fastened him to the center lane of the BQE. End of story.
Today, I heard Terence the 32 year old fluorescent lightbulb-legged gentrifier say he was going to start pogo-sticking to his apprentice cupcake icing job to reduce his carbon footprint. So I left my Timberland footprint on his sunken-in, inbred, red bearded face. End of story.
Time to make the artisanal, hand-crafted, biodegradable, cruelty-free, locally-sourced, organically-curated, sustainable, cage-free fucking donuts bitches!
Hahaaaa! I’m so happy because this week a Dunkin’ Donuts opened up on Bedford Avenue smack in the middle of hipster central. Rebel and ‘freelance photographer’ Abby Ross said “it’s awful” as she sat on the DD bench drinking a cup of ka-fee from a hipster ka-fee shop. She also said about her ka-fee that “It’s better and it’s local, I like the small guys.” Oh please shut the fuck up ‘Abby’ you gentrifying lemming - you probably arrived here 4 years ago from Nebraska living out your “Friends” or “Sex and the City” fantasy as you “freelance” yet some how live in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in America.
Yeah yeah, hipsters say they hate corporations – except of course Apple, Converse, Rayban, and whatever airline flew them into New York from their home state. These people are complaining about something they started – soooo ironic deeeeeeeeed! Don’t they know that before they came and ruined Brooklyn there were small stores run by local people? That’s right you stupid fucks – you didn’t invent ‘local’! I really hope this is the beginning of a trend and more uncool stores keep opening and ruining their playcations. When are these kidults going to get it; where ever they go - the rents go up, the condos get built, the chains move in: but its always the hipster that starts the cycle. Always.
[lyrics begin at 00:42) <intro>I am Iowa man! Has he a rooftop hive? Can he see with shades all the time? Can he play kickball? Why is he an attention-whore? Does he eat gluten-free bread? Has he lice within his head? Will he comb his hair? With no job, why should he care? He - rides - his Big Wheel Around McCarren Park kickball field Infinite - leisure time To make childish art and nasally whine. Natives don't want him, We put a scare in his world Waiting for rent checks, That he'll use to buy hurl Now 12 noon is here Iowa Man will have a beer Vengeance from the "nabe" From the people he displaced Natives don't want him, They just want him dead Nobody helps him, Except Mom in the Midwest <solo> Heavy pipes of lead Crashing down upon his head The Hipster Beater stole his Schwinn Iowa Man ruined Brooklynnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!