Today’s hipster beating.

Today, as Ironic Ian’s head was about to split open from my 10th consecutive DDT to the cold hard sidewalk, I saw Tristan the apron-clad, wax moustached, Northwest Bushwick cheese consultant heading to Ye Olde Shoppe to test the vintage scale he made at adult craft class. So I rammed a funnel in his mouth; poured a gallon of Liquid Drano down it and watched him shit his intestines into his teenage girls jeans. End of story.

19 thoughts on “Today’s hipster beating.

    • Female Matthew Silver alert – the owner of the artisan toast shop has gone over the line from “too whimsical for her own good” to “someone please get her some psychiatric help”.

  1. lol, perhaps the most grisly hipster demise yet!

  2. When is DH going to compile all these beautiful anecdotes into an illustrated children’s book?

  3. UUummm…cheese…

  4. Hipster Beatings: The Graphic Novel

    This needs to be made. Come on diehipster, at the very least get it into .pdf format or something. Perhaps someone from deviantart would be interested, some of those people are pretty talented.

    Also, you’ve upped your game on this one, its got a darker vibe than usual, heh.

  5. cheese consultant. nice, really nice. i think you may have gone too easy on Tris.

  6. A “LOOK AT MEEEEE!” moment gone awry, as the link below will show.

    Hackney Wick is an area that is crawling with hipsters and the like.

    Everybody is young at some point and does foolish things, myself being no exception.

    Messing about with heavy machinery and coming into contact with overhead wires that carry enough current to push a goods train is not one of them, however.

    I have been in that area on a number of occasions, and goods trains go through there quite often.

    It was only common sense then as it is now that you don’t climb on top of a goods train and, most of all, that you stay the *fuck* away from either the third rail or overhead wires. We have been told that from an early age, and National Rail does safety campaigns aimed at younger people.

    This incident really makes me wonder how stupid, entitled and oblivious to surroundings can you be?

    It would come as no surprise to me to find out that, Mummy and Daddy now plan to sue National Rail.

    • Hey, I was young too at one time and I also did loads of stupid things, a lot of which I’m ashamed of now. Climbing on a moving train with overhead wires was not one of them. (Dodging the conductor while riding without a ticket was as daring as I got. At least my life wasn’t in danger.)

      She sounds more like a drunken slag than a hipster. High heels – WTF???

      A spokeswoman said: “It is believed that the woman fell from the roof of a train and then came into contact with electricity from the overhead power lines. – NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!!

      I read another story a while back in a British paper of some party where they were chilling drinks with liquid nitrogen and some 15yo knocked one back and now needs her lungs replaced. Do they never read science books anymore?

      Then there was the hipster in the Lower East Side in 2002 who got on the roof during a thunderstorm. He was “Very Spiritual” and raised a metal staff to be at one with the Heavens. He got his wish and was killed by a bolt of lightning.

      What the fucking fuck is wrong with this generation?

      • “Then there was the hipster in the Lower East Side in 2002 who got on the roof during a thunderstorm. He was “Very Spiritual” and raised a metal staff to be at one with the Heavens. He got his wish and was killed by a bolt of lightning.”

        Oh – you mean like this?

      • Ugh…are you sure they don’t “herald” from Park Slope?!? They sound like the quintessential SEEP* family, which I can barely stomach to even look at.

        BUT: Can you imagine if their precious little Sissi got stuck in the sculpture?

        Boy would they be singing a different tune – namely in the form of a lawsuit for a sum dwarfing the piece’s value.

        What disgusting [so-called] people.

        *Self Entitled Elitist Prick

      • Ah, yes. It’s nice to see self-important narcissistic screaming about how anyone who dares criticize their lack of parenting skills is a child-hater is universal. Yes, sweethearts, your children are all special and brilliant, and once your money runs out and you can’t coddle them any more, they probably won’t have enough sense to come in out of the rain.

      • Don’t you love how no matter what, they’re never wrong and it’s always somebody else’s fault?

  7. Pre-game show for the Super Bowl showed the guy trying to get to the game attacked by hipster zombies…pretty much shows that no matter how “look at meeeeee” they are, they end up just following the leader.

    (Spraying them with a domestic beer that isn’t PBR will make them flee….)

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