A great beardo rant.

beardo1Here is an amazing rant against bearded hipsters by a woman who really loves beards, but only when the beard is on a real man and not your standard issue, helium-voiced, Nancy Reagan physiqued, funemployed, culture vulture - basically every transplanted male in North Brooklyn.

LinkThe Nicki Daniels Interview – Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters 

 

Dear Bearded Hipsters,

YOU GUYS ARE RUINING MY BEARD FETISH.  Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve loved a man with a beard. To me, they meant strength, power, MANLINESS. Someone who could protect me. Unfortunately, you guys have turned it into a fashion statement. The beard has turned into the padded bra of masculinity. Sure it looks sexy, but whatcha got under there? There’s a whole generation running around looking like lumberjacks, and most of you can’t change a fucking tire.

Look, I get it. I really do. I understand the motivation behind your beardedness. In fact, I even pity you. Thousands of years of evolution priming you guys to kill stuff, and chase stuff, and fuck stuff….and now what? You’re stuck at a desk all day. No battles to fight. No wars to wage. So you assert your masculinity the only way you know how. You brew beer. You grow some hair on your face. I’ve seen you, hipsters, sitting in downtown eateries, with your rock chick girlfriends, dipping your truffle fries, trying not to get the aioli in your mustache. I’ve seen the quiet desperation in your eyes. I know you’re screaming into the void.

But I still hate you for it. You’re confusing me. It’s now on me to suss out who is the real man and who is the poseur. Sadly, I fear most of you are the latter. Before this explosion of whiskers on trendy men everywhere, if I saw a bearded man it was safe to assume certain things about him. Like, he probably owned a hammer. Or washed his hair with a bar of Irish Spring. His beard was probably scented with motor oil and probably had remnants of last night’s chili in it.

But you vegan nancyboys are a different breed altogether. You have your mountain man scruff, but you maintain it. You groom it. With products. A quick google search of “beard grooming products” turns up literally thousands of articles explaining how to have the most lustrous beard possible. Take this one from Philadelphia Magazine, where they tested TWENTY DIFFERENT VARIETIES of beard oil. The result of this intrepid testing?

“I’m talking softer, more manageable whiskers that hold their shape better and smell nice, besides. Doesn’t sound so bad put that way, does it?”

Yes. Yes it does, you GIANT PUSSY. Am I reading “Cosmo”? What the fuck is going on here? Betty White has bigger balls than you. Look, I know I sound harsh, but I’m actually trying to rein myself in. A beard is meant to keep your face warm. Seriously, that’s it. You guys had your warm beards so you could go out and hunt us food, and we had our boobies with warm milk to feed the young’uns. That’s why I love beards. It is a natural, physiological response. I want a man who can keep me safe. How did it all get so twisted?

I don’t want to go back to Cro-Magnon days. I’m glad we have more gender equality and I like not having to worry about being eaten by larger creatures. But I am calling for a moratorium on the hipster beard. I demand that you reach for a razor if any of the following are true:

Your beard is accompanied by a bowtie or horn-rimmed eyeglasses. Why on earth do you want to look like Sigmund Freud? At least he could blame this strange look on his massive cocaine problem. Sometimes a cigar is just a douchebag.

You grew a beard to be “ironic”. But you don’t exactly understand what “ironic” means, or why having a beard would be ironic if you did.

You take time off from your entry-level graphic design job only to attend South by Southwest, take your French Bulldog to the vet, or lie on your futon and weep.

You do not know what an Allen wrench is, but can explain, in detail, the difference between a macchiato and an Americano.

There is an existing Instagram photo of you wearing a knit beanie and chewing on a stalk of wheat.

How’d you do, boys? Better go get your moisturizing shave gel. It’s time to stop playing at being a man. But don’t throw all those perfectly good whiskers in the trash. Give them to your upcycling, DIY girlfriend and let her decoupage some photo frames, or something. But please, just get rid of it. Another trend will soon come along to occupy your technology-addled attention span. And me? I have some beard-ogling to get back to.

Thanks in advance, Nicki

55 thoughts on “A great beardo rant.

  1. Hipsters are totally like, the good guys here! We’re bringing culture and diversity to you smelly immigrants! Like, you guys should totally join us instead of being jealous of our success and uniqueness.

    The whole world embraces hipster culture and loves us, even you browns!

    Love us or suffer forever, guys.

  2. “Your beard is accompanied by a bowtie or horn-rimed eyeglasses.”

    Brilliant!

    Thanks, Nicki. You said it all.

  3. My favorite quote- “sometimes a cigar is just a douchebag”

    And the thought of a beardo “weeping on his futon” is going to have me laughing my ass off all day.

    Thanks- that was awesome

    • More like French poofters. That shit’s weird but it’s not really hispters. It’s too well coordinated and they’ve got muscles. They actually put effort into it. Matthew Barney has a lot to answer for though.

      If you want to see weird, look up “living dolls” on youtube. Makes that stuff look like Little House on the Prairie.

    • What artists! I’ll bet their parents are proud that all the money they “spent” on a liberal arts degree went toward something useful.

  4. Cable gave them their own Cooking Channel (which oddly enough, is comprised of Foodtruck shows, review shows, competitions and Warby Parker Food bloggers comenting on different restaurants.

    Now we have the Esquire Channel – the ultimate beta male entertainment spot. The shows are about “guy stuff” – “Brew Dogs”, which is about craft brewing, mixology, tattooes, tailors and the funniest one – “White Collar Brawlers” – a show that puts hipsters in a boxing gym with a trainer so they can eventually get in the ring with another beta male social media intern..

  5. I’m very glad to see this. I have sported a beard for a very long time. Then these assholes came along. I’m like the Michael Bolton character in Office Space. Why should I change when they are the ones who suck? I’m a beard lifer, they are just going through a phase.

  6. Thank you for this repost. I am now following this amazing blog.

    • Thanks : )  and let me know any other hipster rants you post and I’ll be sure to repost them. 

      • If you haven’t checked out the comments on the original post, they are PURE GOLD.

        • I did. There are so many though I couldn’t get though all of them. However I did see many butthurt beardos trying to justify themselves or secretly behind the Internet say they are the type you like when most likely they are like the guy I pictured above.

          • 661 comments! Haha if that’s not proof of just how much these little shits can’t stand to be publicly disagreed with then I don’t know what it is. You’d think she wrote it in Reuters or something with that many comments.

          • Ha! The comments are just like reading Yelp. The latest ones must have just read this site (and I think our alphabet bomber wrote a ton of them). Either total butthurt or total agreement. Nothing in between. Love it. Thank you Nikki. You’re awesome.

    • I love you, Nicki!

    • Thank you Nicki, for confirming that women want real men, not kazoo-honking breadstick boys.

      Your rant was classic and spot-on.

  7. That’s all that type, man or woman, urban or suburban is about is wearing a costume. They have no identity, no integrity, can’t or won’t think for themselves. Even five years ago though, the girls who were like that were at least hot but now after college they start to go downhill fast between the tats and the laziness and not keeping themselves up the way they used to.

    Hipsters are exposing people for who they are by forcing us to choose sides against them and their bullshit, and exposing divisions between all of us that we either didn’t know or didn’t want to admit existed. Kind of ironic considering they all constantly talk about “bringing people together, mannnn, because, like, we’re all human beings deeeeed”.

    • It seems to be hilarious unintended consequences. By turning all the men into “LOOK AT MEEEEE!!” try-hards, they alienate the real women who want a guy who can actually change a tire, punch an assailant in the face, and face up to the tribulations of everyday living.

      Watching that entire trend crash and burn will be so completely fantastic, I’ll burn a hipster effigy and have a big ‘ol party when it reaches its pathetic conclusion.

      • Just wait until those trust funds crash and burn. No men with useful skills or body strength to look after them. Or themselves for that matter. And mom and pop’s house will be repossessed. Expect to see tent cities going up outside Brooklyn with these losers in them. Best part, De Blasio’s police ain’t going to care if they get beaten up or killed. It’ll be the golden age for Hipster Beaters everywhere.

        http://www.upworthy.com/theres-one-huge-problem-in-google-and-facebooks-back-yard

        • Silicon Valley’s biggest problem is they think they know better than everybody else about every single fucking thing in the world. They may be unrivaled when it comes to tech but when it comes to real problems in the real world… well they don’t know shit, and they need to stop thinking they do.

          Stop manufacturing overseas and look how fast those problems get much smaller and easier to manage. They won’t ever do that though or anything else that makes them confront the fact that THEY contribute to the problem and have benefited from it, even before they ever made it to Silicon Valley.

          Meanwhile, we’re the ones who have to deal with all of the fallout from the fact that they can’t and won’t ever confront all of their fucking issues and see their complete existence.

          • Of course they know everything. Wait till the app comes out to save the rain forest and end world hunger. Oh, and it only runs on, like, the latest Apple products but, like, everyone in the turd world has one of them.

          • There is a major social media bubble about to pop and so many Silicon Valley (and Alley, over here) investors and business dimwits and marketers refuse to see it. That is why I stick to software and web applications: the tools, methods and objectives may change over the years, but there will always be a need for it.

    • I’m old enough to remember the hippie chicks who you still met in the 70s, 80s and early 90s. No matter how weird they were or how they dressed they were always pretty hot underneath. It’s because they knew deep down that they weren’t going to be hot forever and that they had to get a rich man before the biological clock ran out.
      For some reason, that doesn’t seem to be a priority anymore. I guess Mollie and Emily expect to reach their Sex and the City phase before settling down with a husband. Remember 40 is the new 20 and the clock starts ticking at 50. Don’tcha love them Self Help guides?

      (The sad reality is those hippie chicks are now the moms of the Joshes and Meghans now that they’ve secured their Wall Street Capitalist Pig husbands they protested against).

      • Exactly, there used to be a level of hotness underneath all of the stuff on the surface but these days it’s like once they leave high school and especially college, they just completely stagnate and eventually rather than aging the right way, they try to stay looking like teen and early 20s girls and end up looking like shit.

      • Hipster mothers are the worst. They took really cool old fashioned names like Gemma and Sadie and turned then into something gross and disgusting. I have Italian great aunts named Gemma Sadie Sella ( short for Ursula ) Tessie and Elinor. Now these doosh nozzle bitched honk how kewl those names are. I’m glad most of these women are dead because they’d be horrified at how their names are being attached to whiny spoiled kale eating crotch nuggets that hang out in bars with their ugly mothers

  8. Wow, Nicki. You make me want not to grow a beard, but to sharpen my razor on a strop and go Sweeny Todd in Williamsburg and Bushwick just to make you happy.

  9. Off topic but hipster-related. There’s currently a bill in the PA Legislature to make it so people who have the police called for them when they OD or whatever don’t get arrested for having narcotics. It’s named after some piece of shit junkie dealers from the suburbs, and that’s of course who it’s for.

    Sob story after sob story has been written about these “victims” and their “struggles” and “battles”. Has there been even a single mention of the places these little shits cop their drugs and how it affects these places though? Nope. We don’t exist to them, except as places to buy their drugs. There are of course no shortage of articles detailing all of the crimes that happen where we live but never once a mention of why that crime is so prevalent these days or of who is buying the drugs that people are dealing.

    Fuck them.

    • I read a story one time about the drug dealing that goes on in the dorms in Harvard and Yale and the other upscale universities. Of course, since it’s rich people, the cops do nothing and let them do as they please. Yet a black man would get a life sentence for one tenth as much drugs.

      One law for the rich and one for the poor.

      • It’s got nothing to do with race. They give people of THEIR background every excuse in the world yet people of my background are made out to be trash and every other thing for the smallest offense, even if it’s simply a perceived one. We don’t exist to them as human beings.

      • Well Duh. You don’t know shit about fuck.

  10. Hipster ‘men’ and their beards. They look like vaginas

  11. Hipster beards are a total façade over-compensation for the actual balls they lack.

    • Everything they do is over-compensation. Their claims of being “artists” is over compensation for their lack of actual talent and their facade of being edgy or “hip” is overcompensation for the fact they are pretentious, boring and mundane in the extreme.

  12. Not only did Nicki hit a home run with that rant, she also hit another one out of the park with her “apology” followup (heheh) which is guaranteed to generate even more hipster butthurt.

  13. Hahaha, Did she ever hit the nail on the head. Good to know that there are still some women out there that want real men. Reading her rant first thing in the morning has just made my day. lol.

  14. Old, but here’s another great rant about hipsters (from a crazy man, but still hilarious):

  15. Alaska men wear REAL beards! I love this site. I a hipster ever showed his face in Anchorage, I’d slap his pasty face with a gutted salmon!

  16. Okay gonna deal with the points she made in the same order the author wrote them. First of all it is not a fashion statement, it takes nothing to grow a beard; that is if you are able. The clean shaven face takes way more effort and accessories to maintain. Second thousand of years of evolution has also primed all men from all races to “kill stuff, and chase stuff, and !@#$ stuff…:”; even those races whom can not even grow beards. Everyone screams into the void sometimes, all that living just to die stuff bothers all humans, maybe? Thirdly, what is the difference between saying a woman’s place is in the kitchen and a man’s place is under a car somewhere? Why don’t you just go make me a sandwich like you should? Besides if you do not own a car, what’s the point? Then we have the “beard grooming products. Open up a history book and you will see all kinds of photos of men in beards with some kind of treatment in them. Now these guys fought in The First World War all the way back to The Civil War is that not man enough? How could they fight without some kind of treatment in their long hair and long whiskers to keep it out of their eyes? Lastly you don’t have a beard or balls and can imagine what it’s like in the other shoes just as well as we can. Sounds to me like just another woman who wants to be understood but does not want to understand. Sorry you need someone else to make you feel safe. We don’t have to go back to Cro-Magnon days by growing beards cause remember not all men are able, even men whom can fix anything. So since not every body can grow beards then if you are able to grow a beard then more power to you. Also you mention Sigmund Freud, instead of penis envy can you say beard envy! Live a little stop shaving your legs and pits sometime.

Please comment but stay on topic and don't post like an incessant, excessive, obsessive moron. Thanks

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