Like, Yaaah. The Secret Watertower Speakeasy.

watertowerspeakeasyI simply can’t believe the lengths these fucking hipster cockrags will go to be zany whimsical pieces of shit. A few months ago some try-hard 1920′s re-enacting douches converted an abandoned water tower in Chelsea into a whiskey-only secret speakeasy that was by invite only. You had to be randomly given a pocketwatch in the street (or something kooky and insanely awesome like that) to be invited. It was SUCH A BIG SECRET, yet they told the NY Times, Animal NY, The Atlantic, and The New Yorker according to their website that of course has the extremely played out handlebar moustache as its logo and plenty of pictures to keep the secretiveness of this self-absorbed project, well you know, not secret; because in the end, it always always always going to be about “LOOOOOK AT MEEEEEE”!!! How, after all this evidence is out there, are these try-hards not being arrested? The names of the people who ran it are all on the website; there’s tons of pictures and even this video below. Now, you can bet, if any of those Linuses, Maxwells, Zooeys, Auroras, or Calebs got asbestos poisoning from those paint chips in the hallway, or if that watertower came crashing down, or a fire started by having an abundance of candles and whiskey in a wooden water tower – and any of those “precious creative types” got injured or killed – Mommy and Daddy back in Culdesacia, WiscoPennsylKotahio would be suing everybody in this city for not watching after their fully grown adult children. I FUCKING CAN’T STAND THESE HOMOGENIZING PIECES OF HIPSTER SHIT ALREADY! Speakeasy in a Chelsea Watertower.

The video is not embedding so watch it here:

74 thoughts on “Like, Yaaah. The Secret Watertower Speakeasy.

  1. Better to have a whiskey “speakeasy” in an abandoned septic tank or underground gasoline storage tank….

    • Pontificator, don’t forget that lit match, attempting to light a Virginia Slim to ignite those remaining gas tank fumes. I’d like to add that I feel that it would also be a public service to dump a potato sack of (fellow) cockroaches into the “space” along with 400 microbrewery beers so they get too sloshed to climb back out. I don’t think any will be missed enough to end up on the usual tofu extract milk carton.

    • I can think of things I would like to do to that watertower. Here’s one suggestion (minus the choppers and the fire dept).

  2. I could only get so far in the vid until i heard that fuckin dweeb with the handlebar on his cell phone use the word “hightail.” Then I could only fast forward and watch 1 second snippets. I am eating breakfast after all. Don’t want to vomit.

    I’m sorry, this is the last fucking straw for me. I think it’s time to spring Anthony Gaspipe Casso from Jail and let him get his aggressions out on these people who have taken over his beloved boro of Brooklyn.

    Fuck these assholes with their speakeasy’s and artisinal whisky, and their unoriginal “music” and clothes and everything else. When civil war hits, I now know who my first targets are.

    • Yeah, I myself couldn’t get much beyond “hightail” I also noticed how they had pictures of themselves wearing equipment, such as a two-way radio and the torch (flashlight) on the head.

    • We need uniforms for The Uncivil war: Wife-beater tees, dungarees w/o holes, $25 sensible sneakers and a sprig of parsley to bludgeon them with. BTW, I also can only watch all these hipster videos in tiny packets. I have to take a little walk and extra BP meds. They are defecating hip upon my wonderful Bay Ridge now.

  3. Balls. Across. The. Nose.

  4. So how the fuck did they do it? The ‘fair share’ tax brigade should fuck this shit up! You can’t sneeze in the city without being taxed. And these fucks inform the papers? Something ain’t stirring the cool aid!

  5. “Actually, urban exploration is just a small part of what we do,” says the mustachioed and articulate Austin. He and Benedetto call it “transgressive placemaking,” a term they feel indicates a more complex, curated experience, as opposed to what Benedetto describes as the simpler act of “surveyance.”

    Transgressive Placemaking- that’s my job too!

  6. ‘Curated’…no.

  7. Where’s the Gemini Lounge when you need it the most?

  8. Another funny thing is this Gupta in his red down vest who somehow made it through the entrance door and then you see him standing backed against the wall in disbelief for the rest of the night — maybe he can’t even drink alcohol, but Thelma from S Dakota brought him along as proof of her kuwel cosmopolitan attitude.

  9. “Everything we’re doing tonight is illegal.”

    The bearded shithead thinks he’s super kewl and risky. When are the cops going to clamp down on these fuckers and raid the place.

  10. Why not just use the water tower for its original purpose and fill it with water while those beardos are drinking their artisanal whiskey?

  11. It’s only kept secret from people with jobs and responsibilities. Well, until after the fact when all the blog posts come out.


  13. So let me get this straight. Hanging out on a roof top isn’t edgy enough? To make this unique you have to climb another 20 feet into an abandoned water tower? Now it’s news worthy. Fuck.

  14. I would have loved seeing these worthless asswipes try to pull this little suburban rich kid stunt in one of the squatter buildings on Ave C back in the 80s. That nasal bitch with his parentally-funded yupster uniform severely needs a real authentic NYC ass kicking. What a bunch of pretentious little fuckbags. If ever there was a just reason for police brutality this would be it.

  15. Just saw the video… Color me surprised that the band fucking sucks. What is it with hipsters producing music that either a) sounds terrible and amateurish; b) sounds like a karaoke party with a bunch of people on sedatives; or c) both?

  16. You know that these pretentious trust funders were all hanging out on the rooftop when nasalboy proposed how cool it would be to have a speakeasy in the water tower. Then they all nasally chimed in with their unoriginal ideas convincing each other how cool it would be. They only had access to that water tower because one of their parents pay for that insanely high rent in that area connected.

    These nasal bitches’ lame antics are so fucking played-out and predictable at this point. What we are seeing here are the hipsters-come-latey following the urban hipster guidebook. They drink whiskey, they have facial hair, they dress like my grandfather, but they are not men.

    There is absolutely nothing cool or original about these frauds, let alone rebellious or dangerous. What a fucking joke.

  17. Aren’t water towers where these pretentious cockrags used to gather to whine to each other about the “injustices” of Suburban McMansion Life when they were still living at home? “I’ll show them! I’m moving to Brooklyn to become a famous artist!” Now, they are smug, disrespectful 35-years-olds and still trying to live out some contrived “urban creative” lifestyle…. still sucking off the dole of their enabling parents.

  18. I propose a “Bleedeasy”… we hand out secret passes whimsically printed on parched paper tied to vintage skeleton keys to a “select” few. The “event” will take place in an edgy, gritty abandoned shack on the Gowanus. Once everyone arrives, we lock the door and…. well, you know what happens next. We’d also get paid nicely for the event (cash, credit cards, electronics) AND make the papers.

  19. Portland had one of these twatwaffles open a “secret” bar downtown — then, of course, he was on the front page of the local paper talking about it and posing for photos.

    “I want to be sought-after, not advertised,” says Knox, a former contractor (he largely designed and built the bar, including squaring the salvaged old-growth redwood with a chainsaw to make the tables). “I didn’t do any marketing,” he says. “There’s no signage. And I have the most arrogant belief that I built something good enough that people will just find it.”

    It has, of course, since closed. The average hipster attention span is about 18 months.

    • Never mind that they have no business sense. I’m sure pretty much every night was a “soft opening” for his kewl friends.

      :And I have the most arrogant belief that I built something good enough that people will just find it.”

      And that is a hipster in a nutshell. Arrogant enough to think the rules of hundreds of years of marketing don’t apply to him because he’s so smart and edgy.

  20. “They then climb through various obstacles (a fire escape, 12 flights of stairs, an extension ladder) until they finally step through a trap door into the bar” – My only hope is that they get boozed up in their precious little “secret” bar and fall hard on the way back down.

  21. How hard can it possibly be to find the location of that watertower?
    Once found, what to do? Cut it down? Fill it with water? Nerve gas?

    Oh, and that is the worst attempt at a Krakow Jewish ghetto Klezmer band I’ve ever heard.

  22. OMG, are you fing serious. I can’t believe these people think they are so, so hip and urbane, barf! I live in San Francisco and they have completely taken over the City with their b.s. driving up rents, completely destroying the mostly working class, largely Hispanic neighborhood of the Mission, barf again! Personally, I hope the water tower collapses under the weight of their egos, barf again.

  23. Oh ya, I forgot to mention that two mega high tech quadrillionaires, here in SF, just opened up a private club called “the battery”, barf. You join by invitation only BUT they do offer scholarships! The reason they do this is because they don’t want the entire club to be considered “exclusive” and they want to keep it real by having a diverse clientele from many socio-economic backgrounds, barf. In reality if you don’t have sleeve tattoos a fedora, moustache/beard, or a granny dress then you can’t get in. Oh ya, and if you don’t have an apple gadget then you are screwed, barf again.

    • That’s ok, all these fucks are getting a nice continuous dose of Fukushima radiation every day. should take care of the problem in about 10 years.

    • I live in SF also and I hate seeing these nasaltrons on their whimsical urban backpacking sprees. I was not aware of The Battery until I saw your comment but I found the website and it is the most pretentious shit you’ve ever seen. So here it is.

  24. Yeah, I’ve got a “super secret”, “invitation-only”, ultra-hip artisanal bar for them… it’s at the bottom of the fucking Gowanus canal. And I cordially invite every mustache-waxing fuckstick north of Brooklyn Borough Hall to go there tonight.

    Fuck these vile, pretentious culture vampires.

  25. Read the “Atlantic” Article. They say the Actor Ed Norton was there???

    “Actor Ed Norton sipped a bourbon and amaro with bitters next to a union jet engine mechanic from Queens.”


    • They threw that in to show that .05% that showed up were celebrity and .05% were normal working class NYer. The other 99% were Culdesacian paternally subsidized transient try hards. And if it’s true – fuck Ed Norton – i now USED to like him.

    • If these assholes need to sit next to a jet engine mechanic from Queens because it’s so ‘exotic and incredibly edgy’ then they can go ride the fucking bus out to South Ozone Park.

      Which leads me to believe that they are making this shit up. No self-respecting mechanic from Queens would be caught dead hanging out with a bunch of nasally, tattooed beardos from Kansas playing the accordion.

  26. i didn’t know brooklyn was harking back to the thirties we don’t need speak easies any more alcohol is freely sold damn near every where now day”s damn penny farthing moron’s i hate the new generation of today lazy roust about’s

  27. Requirements to being approached and getting invited:

    your transportation has to be a bicycle.

    you have to wear skinny jeans.

    you have to sport a scarf or ascot around your neck.

    you must wear a ski hat during a 72 degree day.

    you have to wear thick-rimmed glasses.

    you must be a vegan.

    and ….

    Spend your daylight hours in coffee shops sitting near the highly visible front window so everyone walking by can see you with your Mac laptop pretending to look busy when in fact, you just spent 4 hours checking and rechecking your Facebook page. Welcome to North Brooklyn.

  28. In Law & Order: SVU “Wonderland Story”, a victim came from one of those water tower parties before she was raped. Excerpt:

    “Before leaving Sarah around 11, she gave her a pocket watch, which serves a pass to a super exclusive underground party. All Sarah had to do was give the watch to a man standing on a certain corner who would then lead her to the secret location. And of course, because all hipsters love Louis Carroll, the pocket watch is engraved with a passage from Alice in Wonderland, “Alice came to a fork in the road. ‘Which way do I take?’ she asked.”

    Wonderland… lol.Read more about the episode here (Warning: SPOILERS):

    • Yeah, Except the Meghans have no need to worry about being raped. Even perverts have standards. When is the last time you heard of 47yo Megz being kidnapped by some lonely pervert and held prisoner in a kiddy porn dungeon?

      Even perverts have standards.

  29. Like…. Yahhhhh.

  30. “In a quieter moment, one guest climbed the interior ladder to the top hatch so he could take in the view of the Empire State Building and the cubist jumble beyond. He drew in the night air, gazed at the scene in the human-sized diorama below, and began to cry.”

    Yeah, I want to cry everytime I think about how my once great and diverse city has been turned into banal and homogenized adult romper room infested with privileged whitebred interlopers. I want to cry when I see all the good, hard working families that has been forced to leave because these self-absorbed cockrags want to live their little pseudo-urban Peter Pan lifestyle in the neighborhoods they once lived.

    “Yes, it reminds me of that question in The Little Prince,” Austin adds, helping the crew clean and stow away evidence of their existence. “‘Why is the desert beautiful? The desert is beautiful because somewhere it hides a well.’”

    Really Nathan? I guess a lifetime of Adderall and everything being handed to you makes you an insufferable douchebag.

    • Insufferable is the perfect word for this piece of dogshit. My friends and I were exploring the abandoned spots in NYC in the 80′s as kids. Too bad there were no hipsters back then to charge admission to. This fuckin dweeb actually thinks he’s the first person to do this!!!

      • Right. We did that exploring when we were kids and we didn’t dress up in whimsical outfits and pretend we were renegade tour guides. with such a pompous sense of self-importance. We didn’t make a media spectacle out of it and act like we were “adventure creatives” opening the doors and showing the world the “magical hidden urban treasures that have long been long forgotten”. These pompous assrags ALWAYS try to make so much more of their average, mundane acts that in their mind think are worthy of endless praise and accolades from the “common people” of NYC. Sorry, Nathan Austin, but you are nothing more than a worthless shit stain on my city.

        • Exactly , that’s what we did when we were kids .

          However Josh and Zooey spent their childhoods in the Tahoe being driven from rythmic yoga to poetry to fair-play soccer to supervised play-overs ..

          At night they would sneek to the TV and watch NYPD shows and think oooh that’s so gritty and dirty and hardcore , when I grow up I want to be a part of it .

          now they have domesticated the city to the point that they can be a part , in a safe , responsible , New York Times aproved way of course !

          • In fairness, nobody lives in Tahoe anymore. It’s all expensive second house resorts for techy yupsters. It was decidedly blue collar; now it’s decidedly empty. While the hipsterification of places sucks, it’s much worse when said hipsters completely gut a community to the point where it’s actually nonexistent.

    • The desert is beautiful because the hipster fucks in this article would be dead in a few hours, since they’re too stupid to bring water with them. Lots of scarves and hats, though.

  31. If I hear the word in this video more time, my raison d’être will become the bludgeoning of one or more or these edumicated moroons with the thighbone of an ass in honorarium to “2001 a Odyssey’s opening sequence. How fascinating, the was, to meander about in, to be rudely reminded about when people actually had real jobs, making such a base item as sugar. We can now expect to pay 30% more for a flat with a view of the historically protected Domino signage. Like that is soooo kool!

    • Posting here does not recognize the greater than/less than symbols so the encapsulated word, space was automatically eliminated. Admin, please erase the above. I re-posted the full version below. Sorry.

  32. If I hear the word “space” in this video more time, my raison d’être will become the bludgeoning of one or more or these edumicated moroons with the thighbone of an ass in honorarium to “2001 a “Space” Odyssey’s opening sequence. How fascinating, the “space” was, to meander about in, to be rudely reminded about when people actually had real jobs, making such a base item as sugar. We can now expect to pay 30% more for a flat with a view of the historically protected Domino signage. Like that is soooo “spacey” kool! ***

    • I agree. I fucking hate when these assholes use the word “space” too. Oh, look at my “repurposed art space” etc…BARF!!!!

    • It’s totally fucking obvious that those people never had real jobs, the way they’re reacting to that Domino factory. Now, as a techie, I could see that place being interesting to explore, but only under the correct supervision and with permission. Why would anyone risk their life climbing into those rusted machines I can’t imagine. The stupid comments only betray the fact that they’re technically clueless. I imagine that Charlie Chaplin film where the other guy gets stuck in the gearwheels while Charlie eats his lunch. I wonder how the other hipsters would react if one of them got impaled on a rusty spike?

  33. N.D Austin, is a caricature of a hipster, ugh. Clearly, this ding bat loves the camera and totally digs the p.r. he is getting in the hope of getting rich, or rather richer! After 3 minutes I was so disgusted by N.D., what a trumped up, effected, self absorbed, gentrifying, crucifying urban pioneer, NOT! Apparently he thinks he has discovered “space” as a way of life, Both these trendoids clearly have a totally white bread expensive “collage” educations, probably in business majoring in media studies and marketing, what a couple of pretentious hipstercons! Oh ya, they scream look at us we have discovered the urban environment. All I can say is, barf!

  34. Just watched the rest of N.D. and Ida, that trumped up Austin jerk actually, said, he didn’t want to use the work gentrification when he came to neighborhoods, but how can you create a sense of place to the “new arrivals” are you shittin me, this dork IS gentrification and the new arrivals are him, so therefore, he is responsible as are the “new arrivals” destroying neighborhoods while they search for a sense of place, gag me with a spoon!!!!!

  35. It would be funny if a bunch of streetwise people held one of these and then robbed the hispters that showed up. Not that I would support such a thing. Or act upon it, or incite others to act. I would just laugh reading about it in the Daily News.

  36. why couldn’t they find N.D Austin dead in that girls handbag a week ago? I’m sure he would have fit.

  37. I watched a little of that video but I can’t stomach these two. Really the guy thinks he is so fucking great, he thinks HE is opening up people’s eyes with this transgressive whatever the fuck stupid shit he is saying. Its TRESPASSING you asshole. I hate so much hatred for these two twats its not healthy for me

  38. In the early 80s a friend of mine [another Manhattan native like myself] had access to an empty water tower on 14th Street. It had an incredible view at the top. But it was just for us. No one called the NYT, or NPR or anything. We never threw parties there or turned it into a club. We never broadcast it to the world to show how ‘edgy’ we were. It was just a quiet, interesting, out-of-the-way place to spend time.

    • Once upon a time, almost 30 years ago, I was at a party on the UWS with a bunch of rich kids, one of who’s moms owns a 2 storey penthouse, bigger than most suburban McMansions. A bunch of us went skinny dipping in the water tank on the roof. Of course, we were all drunk out of our brains, the water was fucking freezing and it was a sausage party in there except for one ugly chick that everyone scored with at some point (the good looking chicks stayed behind).

      A great time was had by all but I could never imagine making a video about it or doing a look at meeeeeee fest over it. It was just one of those crazy things you do once when you’re young and get over it afterwards. No funky bar or fedora hats, just booze and being ourselves. Certainly no imitation WW2 Great Escape with bad imitation Warsaw ghetto music.

      • You encapsulated that perfectly. You did a normal, growing-up kind of thing and didn’t try to pimp it out into a media “event’.

        These cockrags are so self-important it makes people want to punch them in the face, just on principle.

        You just know if they had actually been arrested for trespassing, they’d be crying and pissing their pants, nasally shrieking about their rights to explore “space” as a transgressive douchenozzle.

        • trangressive douchenozzle – Austin and Ida need matching T shirts

        • Did I mention that I was about 22 at the time?
          And that I never want to freeze my balls off like that again.
          And that NO FUCKING WAY would I do that now. (I had all but forgotten that party until I saw this post). I can’t even imagine recording it on video or photographing it even if I had a camera.

          Notice how all those Wanderlust dickweeds look like they’re 39 and up. I’m 51 and some of them look older than me. WTF?? What’s with fucking Cuthbert Calculus playing the accordion (google him)?

  39. check out A.D. Austin’s excursion into the domino’s asbestos ridden factor as they take their guinea pigs to seek out “place.”

    • I watched that and what kills me is in the other video the way he describes taking people in there and “allowing them to experience” different from a regular tour..what regular tour? can’t they arrest these people for trespassing now? There is plenty of evidence against them. You have to be caught in the act? They broke the law and are bragging about it all over town. If I owned these properties I would be pressing charges.

    • These parentally-funded, pseudo-urban interlopers from Culdesacia, USA ride into town on the Wonderbread Express to “educate” all us ignorant native NYers on the history and culture of the city. The same city that our fathers and grandfathers built and created and raised families in for generations. These asswipes exploit these working class relics and institutes to feed their own narcissistic drive as they contribute to the uber-gentrification that drove out the very people who gave this once diverse city its heart and soul. Fuck these frauds. Real NYers do not want or need Nathan’s self-indulgent “renegade tours “. We already know and have experienced our city and all its corners and wonders to its fullest. More than this pompous shitbag will ever know or feel.

  40. God this thing pissed me off . I think I could rant for hours on the pompous bullshit in that vid . What got to me the most is that it looks like a victory party ! and the conversations are like this .

    This place is soo kewl !! But weren’t there like a bunch of like rilly scarey homeless people living in this lot ??

    No it’s kewl now , Connor and Parker got their condo association to like rilly pressure the cops to like get them to like leave , they even had to like arrest some of them . so it’s like rilly safe now??

    Kewl !! Is Cambria still looking for a bigger place because remember that guy upstairs ???? Yu know the like rilly hostile guy that was always complaining when Aden would practice his harpsichord ?? He was always saying how he had to like get up at like 5 to do something like drywall or something , and he always wore those like yankee shirts and sweatpants eyuooo !! Well he like moved out , hooray !!

    Kewl ,and remember that grody little store across the street that only sold these like rilly cheap , crappy kid’s snowsuits and stuff , well it’s closed and Chandler is going to like open a rilly kewl Chai tea shop there , and even better remember the women that worked at like the cash ?? The one with the 4 kid’s that she like just like neglected cause she was always like in the store ?? And they were always like trying to steal Kensington’s longboard and stuff
    ???? I’m pretty sure she won’t be able to pay the new rent , so like maybe Morgan could get her place !!!

    Amazing!!!! Hey Cooper is teaching a like tight-rope walking class in the park tomorrow you should like come ???

    But weren’t there like these like rilly agressive like Spanish kids that play baseball there and they like said like get off our field and stuff ???

    No , it’s like rilly kewl now !! Josh and Meghahn got the city to like schedule times for the park ??? so they’re going to hold like these mom and baby yoga classes and stuff and they told us if those guys like hassle us just call the cops and they’ll take care of it you know??

    Wow that”s so Kewl !! This nabe just keeps getting kewler and kewler !!!

Please comment but stay on topic and don't post like an incessant, excessive, obsessive moron. Thanks

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s