Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Terrence the Vienna sausage-limbed, funemployed redbeard walking to his $3,200 apartment to eat locally sourced cupcakes and style his hair to look like he just woke up for tonight’s community vote on chicken coops in the ‘nabe’. So I slipped on my brass knuckles and fired myself out of a cannon fist first right into the back of his skull. End of story.

30 thoughts on “Today’s hipster beating.

  1. Love it! LOL

  2. Rules of thumb.

    A hipster males’s bicep is the same width as his girlfriends wrist.

    • Only if she’s anorexic.

    • …and a hipster’s girlfriend’s cankle is thicker than his neck. I would have said torso, but these Grover-shaped mutants always seem to have a micro-brew-belly that sags from their Holocaust victim frames.

    • I’m a petite chick but have considerable more muscle mass and tone than 99.9% of the Grovers I see slumping around in the subway. There is NOTHING appealing about their pasty, doughy physiques (or lack thereof) and scraggly licebeards/hair. These are not men!

  3. I like the cannon ending.

    Why can’t these morons spend some of their not-so-valuable free time visiting abandoned elderly people or helping their disabled neighbors ( if they have any )? Their value systems are so f’d up it’s unbelievable.

  4. You don’t even need to put that much energy or force into a hipster beating… just look at them with rage that you feel for them and they will crumble into their own fear.

    • ….but of course, smashing their skulls with brass knuckles and then dragging their jaws across the pavement before setting them on fire and tossing them into truck traffic is much more fun.

  5. “That’s gonna leave a mark.”

  6. I wish nothing more in this world than the annihilation of all hipsters. Maybe some kind of mass outbreak of a new disease? Hipster Flu?

    • “Maybe some kind of mass outbreak of a new disease? Hipster Flu?”

      The cure is always at hand. It’s called stark reality. This moment of clarity occurs when the parents finally wisen up and stop sending checks. It smacks them in their smug faces hard enough to knock the lice out of their red bearded heads. It’s easy to diagnose the symptoms: panic among the members of a clique, ads on Craigslist for anyone willing to sublet/take on a lease for an overpriced walk-in closet located on Metropolitan Ave., followed by mass plastering of flyers on walls and light poles advertising all kinds of crap for sale dirt cheap.

  7. “In a way, it’s fortunate that these eternal children and teen toddlers have nothing important to do and no important or even marginally productive jobs to go to. They wouldn’t know to do if they actually had to do something. Instead it’s get some food stamps for Whole Foods, an ObamaPhone! to update your Facebook page and a little dog that you and your SO of any gender can raise instead of a child. After all, it’s so much easier and cheaper to pick up dogshit for ten years that the costs of a college education for a real kid.”

    • Get me my gun…

    • The caption under the first photograph is “The hard-core unemployable”. The guy on the left is a total nobody. He might make a good captain of the Original Quirky Gowanus Canal Swim Team though. The chick’s tattoos are starting to fade and run already, but there’s still time for her to find a Wall Street sugar daddy to get knocked up by. That’s her only option besides going back to Minnehiowatucky. The douchebag on the right will never ever ever be employable. Fuck him for trying to ruin the Suicidal Tendencies logo too.

    • These are the whiniest bunch of brats I’ve ever heard of. They’re in the most energetic, most option available part of their lives and all they can do is wahhhhhhhh. Hey mo’fo’s, try being in the same situation in your 40′s and 50′s as OTHER unemployed people are. Try being 65 and crawling back out of a hole while all the benefits you WORKED FOR are hijacked by treacherous, self-interested politicians who will NEVER give a damn about much besides their own liftime medical care, frequent salary raises, vacations from high paid lobbyists, and still shots with babies. Wake the F up already. If you’re in your 20′s you have far more chances and far more hope than anyone older than you looking for work, so suck it up and get on with it.

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