Don’t ever compare a real human to a hipster.

The website Brooklyn Based – keyword:based, meaning just camping out for now – recently put out an article about Frederick Cook, a physician and explorer who claims he was the first to reach the North Pole. Was he the first? Did he even reach it at all? Who knows, but I’m sure he got closer than 99.9 % of the world’s population. This isn’t the point of my post though.

fredcookYou see, Frederick Cook lived in Bushwick, Brooklyn for some time so BrooklynBased does a follow-up article simply to say that Frederick Cook would be accepted today in Bushwick because of how he looks in a picture from the late-1800′s; also that because he reminds them of the fucking red bearded Mast Brothers, he could get away with living in Bushwick today. Are you kidding me??? He doesn’t look very Puerto Rican to me. You’re comparing a very educated man – a true explorer who reached the North Pole over a hundred years ago with the little resources he had as opposed to today - to a couple of hipsters from Iowa in costume who make $10 chocolate bars on their little Brooklyn gentrification expedition? It’s as if you’re saying Frederick Cook is copying the average Brooklyn hipster; how stupid can you be? There’s a huge difference here; there was no pre-planning of what society looked like back then – it just HAPPENED. Beards and moustaches were everywhere just like RED means STOP; today the norm is shaving through-out society – society does not equal just what’s happening in Bushpointburg. It wasn’t done ironically or for attention; also the clothing was the way it was as well – it just simply progressed into what it was, based on what material and resources they had. Fast-forward to today and you have a couple of zipcodes of try-hards wearing every costume ranging from the late-1800′s to early 1990′s grunge – all begging for attention. Today, every time you see some bearded lemming from Flyoverlandia roaming the streets of Brooklyn, he is just trying to fit in with the other members of his pussy posse – just like a 13 year old in school only we’re talking about people 25 – 40 years old.


Maybe all ‘brooklyn-based’ bearded hipsters should read that BrooklynBased article and say to themselves – “Damn, I really am an unoriginal, out-of-place, try-hard douche“. Get it through your heads, people at Brooklyn-Based: nobody is copying hipsters – it’s the other way around.

Link: Brooklyn-Based – Polar Explorer or Mast Brother???

96 thoughts on “Don’t ever compare a real human to a hipster.

  1. These Hipsters really get on my nerves. God there desperate for hip

  2. Ask one of them to take the same passage of exploration…… Like yah! That’s like too hard and complicated.

    • Oh, you had one, with two dweebs who were making noises about making a trip to the Congo to investigate stories of a living dinosaur in the jungles there. Now, never mind that any number of experts have pointed out that the dinosaur stories are just that: contrary to popular opinion, the current conditions in the Congo have only existed for about maybe 10 million years, making you wonder where those dinosaurs were living before the Congo became their current refuge. The real punchline is that, in lieu of getting real financing to make this happen from people who believe they’ll find something, they set up a Kickstarter campaign. This way, if they don’t get the money, they can cry that the scientific establishment is out to get them, and if they do, they can blow it all on plans for an air gun intended to get DNA samples instead of actually doing it.

      • “the current conditions in the Congo have only existed for about maybe 10 million years, making you wonder where those dinosaurs were living before the Congo became their current refuge.”

        Uh,huh,huh,huh, they moved to GreenBushBurg until things mellowed out in the Congo, man. Yah, we, like, read about it in a highly respected sci-fi graphic novel. The dude who drew the artwork told us that they wouldn’t get involved with the gig if it wasn’t, like, uh, true. Okay? Haters.

    • The L doesn’t go that far.

  3. They look like they work at an Amish bakery.If people like this are so obsessed with their country roots and their country ways, why don’t they just STAY in the country? Iowa, Idaho, Minnesota, whatever. If you love it all so much, stop trying to shove it down the throats of New Yorkers and just stay on your damn farm.

    • True. They leave to escape the sameness and “lameness” of the ‘burbs, where everything is the same….and go to Brooklyn, change their identity so they can look like everyone else.

      Reminds me of a poster i once had. It was a close-up of a single snowflake and the caption read, “THAT’S RIGHT. YOU’RE UNIQUE. JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE”.

      • I had one of those funny motivational posters with a line of forks, all but one are neat, well made and pristine with the one being all fucked up and bent out of shape with the caption: “Just because you are unique does not mean you are useful”

  4. As someone born and raised in Brooklyn, I am PSYCHED that an original North Pole explorer lived in the borough. Back in the day, polar exploration was gosh-darn tough, and the fact that someone that brave/crazy lived in Brooklyn (maybe to get himself tougher for the frozen north?) is a wonderful source of inspiration. Maybe not to the status of Gil Hodges, but still impressive.

    These fools don’t realize that wearing an explorer’s clothes doesn’t make you an adventurer (kinda like when Banana republic used to sell the Indiana Jones look to yuppies). If Dr. Cook could have magically gotten ahold of one of today’s arctic parkas (or any modern cold weather survival technology), he sure would have used it. Cook might’ve been seeking attention, but damn, he was much more serious about it than, say, the pitiable Masts. (I can here Cook’s ghost saying to the M. Bros., “Young men, I would’ve killed ten of you for a chocolate bar when we were at the Arctic Circle…”)

    And this just came to mind: Cook was a doctor! A graduate of Columbia, and a genuine M.D! Can any of these hiptards claim to have had the drive, will and intellectual rigor to have achieved something like that? No.

    • The absolute point to note is that when these explorers got back home, you didn’t see them wearing that exploration gear in public, and they sure as hell didn’t need to carry packs full of rock hammers and dried meat through the streets of New York, hoping desperately that someone would ask them about it. No, that’s the province of the tryhard, and that’s right up there with the older yuppies who buy full leathers for their brand new Harley. Why become a noted motorcyclist based on skill and experience, when you can sit at a Starbucks in that brand new leather jacket and pray that girls young enough to be your granddaughter will ask for a ride?

      • Hey Leroy! Remember J. Peterman? I actually saw a guy on the F train wearing the duster from their catalog. What a tool. The guy walked on the train and had to get off at the next stop because a people were pointing at him and laughing.

        Here’s a classic example:

        The catalog is not nearly as pretentious or unintenionally funny as it once was. The prices have fallen to chain department store levels.

        But these guys were definitely ahead of the hipster trend. I’d love to see DH do a parody using hipsters.

        • There aren’t any 22Wx26L pants listed. That, right there, shuts out the Hummus O’Bedbug set. Children’s Place should have their sizes.

        • I admit that I wear a duster, but that’s because for all of the jokes about albino hipsters, I really am albino. At least, enough of one that I nearly burst into flames in the summer. That said, I love the responses to the guys who wear one because they think they’ll be mistaken for gunfighters. Time to sing “The Dream of the 1890s is Alive In Portland,” anyone?

          • Man, you’re unbelievable today. Great imagery and hilarious references.

          • I didn’t mean to make a joke, Leroy. I liken it to walking into a sporting goods store and buying it versus some hipster smegma wearing one on the train like he’s readying for a gun fight at the “I’m Not OK Corral”.

          • Also known as The I’m OK, You’re OK corral.

            Many male hipsters try to butch themselves up just to get somewhere close to ‘normalized’. But they have to be very selective as a real wrangler might feel mocked and leave poor little Caleb hanging by his neck from the end of a bullwhip. Just sayin’….

      • They’re called Rubbies (Rich Urban Bikers). You see these clowns at the motorcycle shows with their “custom” Harleys (done at the factory) with only 15-20 miles on it. All from being unloaded and loaded on to the trailer.

        • And BTW, I wish the Hell’s Angels, Mongols, et al, would stomp the shit out of the OWS’rs for stealing the term “One Percenter.” It was the outlaw bikers who first referred to themselves as such.

          • I would give ANYTHING for the HA’s or Outlaws to merely patrol the roads for all these Sons of Anarchy wannabe’s INFESTING everything. These douche’s are even making their own cuts!! I’ve seen some total wab’s around here and let me tell you, if they ever do head out West, they are in for a royal fuck up at the first pit stop. They’re just.dumb.enough to think,”Oh look! Bikers like us! See?”, and then get themselves stomped and their bikes hiked out.

            I partly blame the HA’s for some of this though, given they’ve gone so corporate and allow harley davidson to just about rip off their colors ( for a nice sum ). And you’d better not, nevermind the potential for violence, infringe on that H.A. copyright in any way or their lawyers will be the ones stomping you lol

            I saw a guy who bought a softail and he spent the first seven months riding around the block before he finally found some daddy type to ride wtih him. He’s actually start it up every day and sit on it while it idled, revving it (wtf is wrong with these dudes? lol ) No idea wtf is going on there, don’t wanna know, but found it incredibly amusing. I can’t help but wonder how many of the new accidents on the road related to these wannabe badasses are actually purposeful. I hope many of them are.

    • My fantasy (other than the one involving clowns, drunken midgets and Marianne Faithful)
      is to have so much disposable income that i could spend millions antagonizing the living shit out of these sockpuppets…just luach a relentless, vicious ad campaign against them.

      One of my PSAs would show a group of themvsitting in the snow, around their Brooklyn based dog sled (pulled by Vietnamese pot bellied pigs) pounding on their laptops. The sled is loaded down with an espresso machine, ukeleles, vintage guitars, action figures and lunch boxes and fixies. A banner, pinned to the side that reads, ” VERMONT OR BUST”

      They all throw their hands up in a “what the fuck?!” gesture with the one whining, “NO WIFI!??! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS – THE NORTH POLE?”
      Then you hear a growling The hipster look to their left and see a bunch of Polar bears
      bearing their teeth. They charge.

      The douchebags run except one who stumbles backward pointing his i-phone at the charging bears.

      The view point changes to that of the camera showing the bear mouth and teeth. A scream is heard and blood splatters on the screen.

      • I like the idea, but this still falls into the issue where the targets would think you were talking about someone else. That’s why DH keeps getting the “I want a definition of a hipster” bleatings, because the worst offenders all use “hipster” to describe anyone not as, like, original and creative as they are, you know? Now, if you had those unlimited funds and you wanted to offer a bounty on hipster pelts, THAT would get through. It’s like the butthurt aimed at restaurants and bars that specifically state that hipsters aren’t welcome: if they aren’t hipsters, then why are they so offended that other try-hards can’t get in?

  5. I hope the beardos wear those beard nets like the Kosher butchers do… unless hipsters really like beard hair in their artisan chocolates…

    • Mast Bros. couldn’t charge ten bucks a bar if it wasn’t red beard hair-infused. That would be unethical.That’s the secret ingredient added to the remelted Hershey bars their mom delivers in the back of her Volvo station wagon.

    • Somewhere on Yelp, there’s a review of the Masturbation bros. One reviewer described getting a beard hair in her chocolate and the Meghan tour guide seemed visibly drunk. Still, it was a totes deck, once in a lifetime experience.

      Actually, you can divide the reviewers into 2 categories, hipsters aka coke addicts and non hipsters aka non coke addicts. Go search for the article (I don’t feel like it right now) and see what I mean.

  6. These hipster-tards wouldn’t traverse to the North Bronx, nevermind the North Pole. Their iCrap wouldn’t work past Montreal so they’d never even bother.

  7. Thank the baby Jesus there is someone else out there who feels the way I do about these mutts.

  8. My friend, who we’ll call jb, currently owns Cooks old house in Bushwick. Its right by the KFC. Its called Cooks Mansion. I did the locks for one of the doors. It was weird because the old doors were so thick. Is pretty cool. You guys should look up the history.

  9. there’s not a good sense of tone in the writing but it sounds sarcastic to me. like, “bushwick is so ridiculous you can’t tell the difference between a white kid in 2012 and a guy in the early 1900′s”. This is questionable since it is on that website but at the same time, it seems like the author is trying to avoid the criticism with “And well, what more is there to say?”.

  10. Comments are still open. I’m on it

  11. The whole reason hipsters do nothing but appropriate the lifestyles, artifacts and styles of previous eras and other cultures is because they have no culture to call their own, or at least none that they take pride in.

    I hate to generalize too much, but where a lot of us here come from some type of identifiable ethnic background — like Irish, Italian, Jewish, Puerto Rican, Chinese, Russian, African-American, etc. — most of these hipster types are the kinds of people who are just “American,” with no sense of their roots or where they come from, raised in bland, WASPy suburbs eating mom’s Rice Krispie treats. So it’s little wonder that their idea of being cultured is to lift whatever seems “cool” from other cultures and eras and then turn it into “organic, indie vomit” as those two brilliant anti-hipster poets in that video a while back put it.

    • A lot of it also comes down to being safe. That is, the whole insane hipster push toward “vintage” comes from knowing that it’s already been done, it’s been accepted, and bringing it back will be accepted as “ironic”. Whether it’s poodle skirts or disco jackets, as laughable as they were, they’re still fashion trends that were accceptable at one time. There’s no talk about leading the pack, and creating fashions and styles so interesting and usable that the rest of the world follows. That’s because the problem with being ahead of the curve risks being laughed at, and most hipsters got enough laughter in high school when the anime club was giving them swirlies in gym class.

      • So much of fashion is in how you wear thing, and not what you wear. Many fashion-forward folks are confused for hipsters, but there is a big difference between the two in that the former genuinely don’t care if others like their outfits and wear what they feel looks good on them, while the latter constantly seeks validation from others and tries too hard to craft a self imposed image (when in reality that type of thing happens naturally). The former ends up having their looks replicated on the runway and in magazines like “Vogue” and “Harper’s Bazzar” (NOT circle jerk mags like “Nylon”) and the latter gets mocked here.

        • That’s very true. A truly fashionable person will pick out clothes that go with their coloring, body type and so forth, while hipsters just go for whatever will get attention and can be considered ironic, but they’re never truly innovative, and the reason they’re usually easy to spot is because they wear idiotic crap that doesn’t look right on anyone.

  12. Those chocolate pricks take themselves so seriously. They try to uphold an image of being really cutting edge and important. But they make fucking chocolate.

    • I hate the thought of these try hards out there shooting guns or bows. It is so very dangerous, because you know they aren’t properly prepared or trained. I doubt they know the difference between rifles and shotguns. It is a fad for them, something they do half assed (like everything else they do), but this time they have deadly weapons.

      I hate to think of those fools out there hurting someone like my Dad, who has been hunting for 65 years. Thankfully, those hipster pieces of shit won’t be found in the middle of nowhere at 4am, so I guess he is safe. I bet they either walk the perimeter of a state park, so everyone can see them, or go to a “pay to shoot” ranch where they are guaranteed an an easy to kill deer, for a price. Real hunting? I don’t think so.

      Hunting is a lot harder than they realize, so I think this will be a short lived fad. In the meantime, they can pretend to be “bad asses”, which shows their ignorance even more, as most ethical hunters don’t see themselves like that.

      • Back in the 80′s I went hunting for my first and last time. My friend’s family owned a ton of land about 50 miles from Harrisburg, PA. I was officially adopted by them when we were in school together. More often than not, my visits usually involved teaching me how to shoot.

        After several years of nagging I finally gave in and went hunting with them. The ritual is common to most hunters: get up before dawn, strong coffee, check the gear, load the trucks and lots of strong black coffee.

        We were waiting around and Chris, my friend, stated that they were waiting for Michael -his brother-in-law..a yuppie douche from Harrisburg.

        Michael shows up – an hour late – dressed like he had just returned from an LL Bean photo shoot and sporting a gun that from what i was told cost around 6K and was bought especially for the occasion – which was his first time as well.

        i had the honor of shooting grandpop’s gun. We spotted a Buck and they told me it was mine. I aimed…but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill it. I just didn’t have the heart. YD looks at me like with disgust.

        So yuppie douche takes it. Shoots, the gun kicks back, nails him in the cheek…and somehow the fucker nailed it.

        He’s whooping it up. We run down, take some photos of him holding the deer’s head….
        And then he starts to walk back to the stand.

        Grandpop blows a gasket and says, “where the fuck are you goin’?”
        YD replies, “back to the stand. It’s your turn now, right?”

        This guy just shot a buck and he was just going to leave it there. To rot .So the three of them physically drag him back and chris says, ” It’s a goddamn sin to leave that animal there. This isn’t a fucking arcade game You shot it you clean it”. and hands him a knife.

        This asshole must have thrown up 3 times. Finally out of frustration my friend finished the job and made this guy drag the buck up to the truck by himself

        when we got home I was sitting with my friend in basement in the barn, helping him put some gear away.

        I said jokingly, “well i guess your grandpop lost all respect for me”
        He looks at me, confused. “why?”

        “i didn’t take the shot”

        Chris laughed and said, “well I wouldn’t be surprised if he respects you even more”. Taking a shot is easy. Everything else is the hard part. It’s more personal…up close, ya know. No shame in respecting the animal”.

        and safety aside – this is what I fear about these bearded tailpipes. they’re gonna embrace all the trappings and not follow up.

    • Al- you still in Eugene? I live there now, but am a lucky enough to see mostly normal people. I guess the filthy hipsters and pseudo hippies don’t like boring working neighborhoods :-)

      • Not anymore, I just lived there as a teenager. There were always plenty of normal people, but tons of hippies stinking of BO and patchouli as well, including ones who would panhandle and then curse at you if you didn’t give them money. Seattleites sometimes call it “Hippieville,” lol.

        • I remember the time somebody in an ambulance nearly died because it was blocked by a bunch of Critical Mass bikers. Then they had all the supporters on the TV news defending it. Stupid fucks.

    • I will never forget the story I heard in a hunting camp upstate many years back about a stupid bastard who not only shot a pony that was tied up in a farmer’s yard, and then tried to register it at a tagging station. Just couldn’t understand why he got arrested. I can see these fucking hipster Nimrods doing that stupidity all over again.

      With a little luck Stacey, they’ll be blasting away at each other, cuz the dumb shits always are letting fly at any and all noises. This will be later in the day, after they rise at the crack of noon and feast on a three hour long artisinal organic brunch.

  13. Prior to the invention of the safety razor men grew beards not because it was kewl, quirky or whimsical but because shaving esp. shaving at home was a painful blood-letting experience. Even getting a straight edges razor shave at a barber had its pitfalls.

    Men grew beards back then due to convenience not for the “look at meeeeee!” factor.

    Fucking hipsters fuck the fuck off!

    • Fuckin A !!

    • Diehipster approves this message.

    • Erm, yeahh, not totally quite right.

      ‘Getting an edge’ wasn’t difficult for anyone, male or female, because most people had been using the knife for quite some time. To say it was a common tool is a massive understatement. Maintenance was not an issue. Beware the cowboy films. They’re as off as anything else HW pukes out.

      Many beards were grown because a *good* knife could be expensive, yes, but the demand for perfect hygiene simpy wasn’t in demand. The achievable unreality and illusion of ‘perfection’ of body/face is something that is a pretty recent fixation actually.

      Look at the faces of men who cleared the forests of this country. They’re not bearded because they didn’t have sharp edged blades anywhere. It was a few reasons but not the least of which was as an aid to repel biting insects, cause, you know, that Nature stuff sure can be bitey…and getting a hold of water beyond cooking and drinking…sorta fell down on the priority list.

      Cook was a doctor. That already precludes him from being any sort of hipster grand-dad because it indicates he gave a damn about someone and something besides himself.

      The hipsters constant flip-flop between posturing and sweating must fatigue the hell out of them. I think they need a nice, long rest in some backcountry sanitarium somewhere that has no sharp edges anywhere.

  14. Zany Brooklyn couple break up through quirky song on YouTube

    • I could only take 48 seconds. WTF was that, Dracula and Vampira?

    • This is horrible.

    • Un fucking real. And apparently this douche is getting the attention he craved because it was on 1010WINS this morning. As soon as I heard ‘Brooklyn musician makes Youtube video’, I knew it just had to be some pretend creative type, Williamsburg BASED. And how the fuck is that guy only 30 years old? He looks almost 50; must be some really poor quality cocaine his parents allowance is paying for. Of course quirky ethnic girlfriend as hipster fashion accessory.

      So quirky – so hip – so Brooklyn! LIKE YAH!!!!

    • freaking hell???

      I’m glad Lux didn’t live to see this shit. Pardon me while I go fire up “Garbage Man”

    • Why is she dressed like she’s in a marching band?

    • Jeez… It’s like something straight out of “Portlandia.” I almost want to think they ripped this off from Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein.

  15. “I like this photo, because it’s like he could live in Bushwick now,” she wrote about the image on the left. I instantly went looking for the Mast Brothers publicity shot on the right.

    But the Masturbation Bros. would never have been able to live in Bushwick back then.

    • A customer in a saloon was almost beaten to death, with an oyster knife, because he wanted extra butter in his oyster stew:

      15 September 1877
      ALL ABOUT A STEW–Oysters That Did Not Have Enough Butter With Them
      What Came of a Request for More Butter-Deadly Sunday Morning Affray in a Saloon
      Stabbed with a Knife and Bitten by a Dog-Alleged Bad Record of Assailant
      The oyster saloon of Adam CHRISTMAN, No. 416 Broadway, E.D.. was the scene
      of a brutal affray at a few minutes after one0′clock yesterday morning. It
      appears that two employees of SCHULZ’ bakery, one of them John GRAHAM, the
      brother-in-law of the foreman of the bakery, and a resident of 53 Harrison
      avenue, visited the saloon and ordered stews. CHRISTMAN, the proprietor,
      was behind the counter, and under his direction the oysters were in a short
      time placed before the visitors. GRAHAM, thinking that the amount of butter
      in his stew was insufficient, added to it the piece that the waiter had
      provided for the crackers, and then called for more. CHRISTMAN, however,
      and on GRAHAM expostulating with him positively refusal to accede to the
      latter’s demand. “Well,” exclaimed GRAHAM, “if I can’t have more butter I
      won’t take the stew,” and suiting the action to the words angrily dashed his
      oyster dish down upon the counter. The dish broke into fragments, and its
      contents spattered in very direction.
      The proprietor, CHRISTMAN, is an excitable, quarrelsome German, and it
      scarcely required the breaking of his crockery to arouse his passionate
      nature to a dangerous degree. Catching up a long oyster knife he struck
      GRAHAM two powerful blows on the head with it, at the same time hitting his
      victim with his left fist, while a black spitz do belonging on the premises
      fastened its teeth first in the left and then in the right leg of GRAHAM.
      Then GRAHAM was PERMITTED TO CRAWL OUT of the saloon, and with the
      assistance of his friend reached his home where Dr. SMITH attended to him.
      A citizen of No. 468 Broadway, NAMED John GRADY, heard of the affray and
      carried his information tot he Thirteenth Precinct Stationhouse.
      Sergeant-in-command BARWICK at once placed Sergeant LEAVEY, Roundsman
      CORNELL and the reserve force on the case, and CHRISTMAN was found, secreted
      in a closet in his house, and arrested. He gave his age as fifty.
      At first it was thought that GRAHAM, who is only twenty-five years of age,
      was not dangerously injured, but this morning his condition was reported to
      be so critical that Police Surgeon MURPHY was directed to give him a careful
      Acting Captain BARWICK says, that while from all accounts GRAHAM is a
      hard-working and law-abiding man, the prisoner CHRISTMAN, on the other hand,
      bears a bad reputation. Fifteen years ago, according to BARWICK, CHRISTMAN
      shot a peddler, but no complaint was ever made and the case was hushed up.
      The peddler is now dead. CHRISTMAN next served four years for committing
      mayhem, having bitten a man in the nose, and was subsequently arrested in
      connection with a clubbing case.
      The prisoner was this morning committed to jail for examination.

      Imagine what would’ve happened if some brewery dray driver found a red beard hair in his Mast Bros. handcrafted 25 cent brick of gourmet chocolate.

    • There’s a good book called “Paradise Alley” by Kevin Baker. It’s a fictional account of life in Five Points. The filth, terror and hardship one had to endure back then was nothing short of incredible.

      One of my favorite passages dealt with a bum who stumbles into a saloon. The cheapest rotgut they had – which could cause blindness – came out of a tube. You got to drink a certain amount of time based on how much you paid. Everyone used the same tube.

      Of course then there’s the highly underrated “Gangs of New York”. I’d love to see Caleb dressed like Bill The butcher in a leather skull cap, wielding a fucking ice cream scoop and yelling, “WHAT’S IT GONNA BE BOYS – ORGANIC BANANA LAVENDAR FUDGE

      • Based on William Poole, Bowery Boys gang member, bare-knuckle brawler in addition to butcher.

        • I gotta tell ya…I love movies and books about that era.

          • Then you gotta read Low Life by Luc Sante.

          • Best book about the era. Luc Sante creates an atmosphere of familiarity. Reading through it makes you feel like you know the people.

          • All three are required reading for anyone who really loves NYC. Any of Kevin Baker’s New York Trilogy is an excellent book (“Dreamland”, “Paradise Alley”, and “Strivers’ Row”.

    • This was bound to happen. But what pictures CAN NOT show you about hunting is the following:

      1) stuck up snot rags often wind up in hunting accidents
      2) stuck up snot rags often wind up with vehicles that stink perpetually of skunk
      3) hunters are very unforgiving of stupidity in regards to tool use, land use policies, intrusion, any other common sense topic one could think of
      4) morons who watch hunting shows and think they reflect actual hunting always reveal themselves and are well despised
      5) fauxhemians of any type may find themselves stranded and walking in circles for days, all their gear gone and that will probably include the icrapples

      I really could go on here, but will trust that any hipster or wanna-be hunter who may come across this will take the caution to heart. I am not kidding with you zero. These are guns that very experienced men carry. This ain’t the time you shot your granpa’s 16g shot once on the farm and you are not the people to replace these men and women. (And yeah, a couple of the best hunters I know also happen to be women, but they’re not 24 yr old Megans in pink camo, I guarantee you that ).

      Near future….be prepared to hear about these idiots blowing each others heads off. It will be a sad, cautionary tale, I’m sure.

  16. Yeah, let’s reconnect with nature! Nature is kewl. Why the fuck are you all in Brooklyn, then? Go back to Iowa and shoot real animals. I’ll believe they are sincere when I see them wearing rat pelts.

  17. Frederick Cook is fucking handsome, and brave, and he was also a doctor, and he’s from NY…. Normally I want to strangle guys with beards who would ride penny farthing but this seems okay.

  18. Perhaps it’s as simple as “Cook owned, hipsters rent”

  19. How many people saw the black & white photo of Cook and said “jeez, another f*cking try hard urban fish farmer” A pleasant surprise to see he was an explorer, doctor and all-around unique New Yorker

  20. Congratulations hipsters, you’ve got the grooming standards of people who lived 120 years ago. Of course, for them it wasn’t done to be unique, it was just the world they lived in. What the fuck is your excuse beardos?

    • Hipsters just love trying to live as it was 120 years ago (+ Internet). The men love the beards and filth from never bathing, the women love having babies at home with uneducated “midwives”, and growing their body hair out.
      I hope they continue the home birth trend, as it leads to many Darwin awards.

      • LOL!!

        Didn’t you know that hospital births are a conspiracy invented by scary dudes who are all like, about the bottom line, mannnn? Dude, listen…it’s nawt nature-uhl for women to have babies in hospitals. It’s not authentic or organic. We NEED organic babies!!!

        Hospitals?! Didn’t you ever see that old movie COMA?!! That’s nawt a story dude. It’s just BASED on one. See, they want women having babies in hospitals so they can scrape their DNA off and grow it in a lab to make future soldiers and journalists. That’s why so many of these guido’s and rural ‘tards REJECT organic shit. It’s because they’re not organic!

        [/end hipster stupidity]

        • I don’t think that’s actually the arguement though. Apart from what was her face….baby Ajax, who was born in a ‘MUSEUM’, I wasn’t aware it was a hipster thing to have home births. I support this, with an educated midwife or nurse on hand. Haven’t you ever heard of NOSOCOMIAL infection, or the drastic rate of unessecary c-sections, supposedly especially on Wednesdays–golf days for MDs, or women being so doped up on meds that they can’t push properly, and more unessecary c-sections? You men are seriously blathering on just now–do a little looking around for more info, will you?

          • I seem to recall hippies doing the same home birth thing, with little or no educated assistance. I don’t recall seeing a trend, but I was busy in a war at the time…

          • A medically trained professional is helpful in modern times, although women have been doing the most natural thing in the world, for lets see, millions of years. It doesn’t make you a hippie or a hipster to want to do it in a private manner without one million opinions involved, *eyeroll*. What is it that you recall exactly, how do you know about “little or no educational assistance”, LOL.

          • I swear, some people here seem to have lost sight of what a hipster really even is.

          • Wait a second…just looked up baby Ajax again for old times’ sake, and…..*he has a tattoo of Ajax cleaner on his belly for corporate sponsorship* WOW! Remember how the dad was quoted saying “It’s an intelligence test–if they say the detergent instead of the greek god, then we know they’re an idiot”. Oh yeah.

          • Not only do I not know understand the details you are attempting to evangelize me about, here’s the most important point you should know about my ignorance: I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

            And, btw sweetie…every person I know, every single one of them, was born in a hospital. None of them are living off their parents nor borrow money from family or friends to ‘float’ them. None of them have any major health issues and many of them played or do play sports. They all know how to read and write and none are unemployed. None of them. Not one.

            Now THAT I give a fuck about.

    • It’s like trying on grandpa’s old WWII uniform. It’s a stage like Advanced Toddler that they’ll grow out of and move back to the Chicago burbs to spawn and start the lifecycle all over again.

  21. lol That’s right. And when THEY do it they won’t call it ‘raising a family’, they’ll call it ‘Life Recycling through Light and Love’ or ‘Organically Repopulating Humanity, One Fart Monkey at a time’.

  22. what the fuck is so wrong about staying in iowa? iowa’s not exactly what you’d call an unenlightened place. it ain’t kansas, north dakota, wyoming, nebraska, etc. if you get the idea. fags can get married. it’s actually very pretty. okay if you’re from mason city — just move to des moines or iowa city! nice cities. if their chocolate came from there, it would actually be cool instead of merely recherche. it would also be reasonable.

  23. Because the hipster is all about absorbed credibility. They brush past it, like wet paint on a wall, get some of it on their shirts and they feel instantly that they are experts on All Things That Matter. Which is usually something to do with clothes and music.

    Pretend there’s a drama student in some Iowa college right now. I suppose it’s put to them, but not forced really, that NYC or LA is where they better go if they want to ‘make it’, whatever the hell that means to a drama student. Even if they come back, like 99.99% of them will, with only a “i studied in NYC”, they get instant cred to teach back home to other wannabe’s. People fall for that shit and always have. You can see that in the back of any free circular in any town, anywhere in America. It’s an even better story if you toss in a few years on the stick as a hustler. Don’t forget the rehab stories either. Most of these people won’t think to check on the hipster’s fabricated fairy tale, which is just as well because boy would they be disappointed!!!

    IOW, none of that sounds as ‘kewl’ if it’s done in Des Moines, even though it is.

  24. I think it is time to review the classic tower of power ouvre, “What is Hip.”

    So you wanna jump out yo trick bag,
    Ease on into a hip bag.
    But you ain’t just exactly sure what’s hip.

    So you start to let your hair grow.
    Spent big bucks on your wardrobe.
    But somehow you know there’s much more to the trip.

    What is hip? Tell me tell me, if you think ya know.
    What is hip? And if you’re really hip, the passing years will show,
    You into a hip trip, maybe hipper than hip.
    But what is hip?

    So you became part of the new breed.
    Been smoking only the best weed.
    Hanging out with so-called hippest set.
    Been seen in all the right places,
    Seen with just the right faces.
    You should be satisfied,
    But still it ain’t quite right.

    What is hip? Tell me tell me if you think you know.
    What is hip? And if you’re really hip.
    The passing years would show,
    You into a hip trip, maybe hipper than hip.
    What is hip?
    Hipness is
    what it is!

    Hipness is
    what it is!

    Hipness is
    what it is!
    Sometimes hipness is what it ain’t!
    You done went and found you a guru,
    In an effort to find you a new you.
    And maybe even managed to raise your conscience level.

    As you’re striving to find the right road,
    There’s one thing you should know:
    What’s hip today might become passe’.
    What is hip? Tell me tell me if you think you know.
    What is hip? And if you’re really hip, the passing years would show
    That you into a hip trip. Maybe hipper than hip.
    Think about it y’all!

    Playing at Yoshi’s Jazz Club, Oakland, SF Bay Area on Feb 3,

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