Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Palmer the Virginia Slim 120-armed urban cupcakeologist heading over to the Greenpoint 30 and over hide and seek tournament for creative types who are helping improve Brooklyn. So being that I didn’t have any of my hipster beating weapons on me I ripped a stop sign out of the ground and bashed him across his bearded inbred Spin Doctor face. End of story.

61 thoughts on “Today’s hipster beating.

  1. Wait! I love cupcakes! What’s the problem with them? Have they become an hipster staple?

    • yep

    • yep they’ve claimed even cupcakes for their own. Is there anything sacred to these people?

      • Nope. Its about time for a complete list on “Things ruined by hipsters”. Might be a mammoth task, but worth doing. It could be useful to treat honking hipsters in online discussions to prove them how “original” they really are.
        Greetings from a severely pissed off vegan dumpstering tattooist…

        • youre obviously a hipster as you cannot even string a coherent sentence together.

          things ruined by hipsters:

          democrat party

          • Other things ruined by hipsters:

            jobs (they turned them all into unpaid internships)
            gardening (it’s now called “urban farming”)

          • college
            the internet
            the english language

          • talking: Nasally “like yah, like it’s sew rilly kewel. Ohh yerrr sew MEEEEANNN, haterrrss” with vocal fry, of course
            names, i.e. Josh, Molly, Megan, Kyle, Caleb etc.

          • antiques
            vintage clothing

            What pisses me off the most is having to wait until the hipsters get bored and latch on to something else to contaminate before we can reclaim these things.

          • Ceasing their involuntary body functions would be a good place to, like yah, start. Breathing is, like, soooooo repetitive, maaaaan.

          • They really ruined bowling. What was once (and still is, depending on where you go) a cheap night out, has turned into a pretentious organically-sourced sliders and sauteed kale experience.

            The same for baseball. While they (thankfully) steer clear of hockey, hoops and the NFL, for some reason (maybe it’s the old-timey nature of it) they love baseball. In Toronto, tongue-dispenser limbed shit-bird beardos tend to favor 80s Blue Jay caps (it’s like retro, yaaa) while minorities and non-hipsters generally wear the current logo.

            I’d give Bon Iver a pass, because he’s successful and well-known – something the majority of crap hipster bands aspire to but will never be.

          • clothes
            younger folk
            any kind of facial hair (I’m personally more self-conscience when I skip shaving for a bit)
            subway rides
            sitting down in public parks
            ALL culture…pushed the real shit further down underground

          • Nope. English is not my native language (plus i’m ill and on some nasty painkillers if that might explain). I’m from germany where we also have hipster infestations in our big cities and i have more often than enough to deal with those twats occupationally.
            Dumpster diving because low apprentice income, vegan for health but not for a fucking holier-than-thou ego.

          • well its DIE hipster, as in ‘lets kill the hipsters, like now, like yah’. the name of this site is not Deutsch.

        • For a complete list, just grab any dictionary – that’s the list. If you can find a printed one. That’s another thing they’ve ruined.

  2. Wait! I like the Sin Doctors! Now Bon Iver, that’s a horrible hipster hero.

    • Wait! I like Bon Iver! Now Black Moth Super Rainbow, that is truly the depths of cultural degeneracy.

    • Yr just mad because a hipster made fun of you for liking the spin doctors. got news for ya: they suck!

    • Bon Iver pitches non-local whiskey – so OVER! My kazoolaphone L Train band would never accept money from a large whiskey company if they offered it!

  3. Hipster Alert: There was a guy sitting at my stage a minute ago with black framed glasses and a twee moustache who was impressed I danced to Type O Negative, who were not obscure or ironic imo. I got excited to shake him down for thousands but he said hes from Albuquerque! Now I feel bad for this genuinely sweet kid who is just doing Williamsburg fashion from 2006. Fuck those stunters who started this shit

    • I am not smart enough to really understand what you just said, but…. that was really funny.

    • Don’t knock it down so fast – there’s a LOT of very high tech (translated: Daddy $$$) in Albuquerque.

  4. The plain old Betty Crocker cupcakes with sprinkles on them that your grandma used to make are not hipster. The twee little mini-cupcakes with frosting made with imported Valhola chocolate – cupcakes so pretentious they need their own special bakery because they’re too special to associate with plain old bread or doughnuts – those are hipster cupcakes.

    • Awesome :) We have several pretentious cupcake shops here in New Orleans – all I can say is the donut shop owned by retired cops has far superior pastry fare!

  5. Oh, excuse me, I mean Valrhona chocolate. God forbid I misspell the name of trendy French chocolate.

  6. What’s wrong with Bon Iver? Didn’t he stay in the sticks? I think he did.

    • Im with you on this one, bro. I say we mark our territory on Bon Iver and keep the hipsters out.

  7. You should have used your Louisville Slugger. You’re making good contact lately. I scored the last beating a sacrifice.

  8. Why you guys playing on the internet? Pack your bags and get the heck out cuz my hipster friends and i are moving in, driving you out of yr homes. Rent paid by our parents, of course. now hurry up!

  9. OK, here’s a problem,…,I’m dating a guy in his late 50′s. It’s pretty serious. He has a married daughter who lives in Austin. I’ve never met her. Today he proudly told me he’s a grandfather. Well, I was very happy for him. Then he tells me the kid was named Quin (one n only) and showed me a picture of Quin in some sort of hammock type thing, because his daughter and her husband “don’t believe in regular cribs.”

    I smiled, but ” SHIT!! CRAP!! HIPSTER ALERT!!!!” was going off in my head.

    • That event just rated a -100 on my Give-A-Fuck-O-Meter.

      Enough to make your skin crawl.

    • Add this to the list of things hiptards ruin for the rest of us. I could enter this contest but wouldn’t because I don’t care one way or the other about people looking at my beard. These jerks spend hours a day grooming their ego displays, styling them into whimsical shapes. I wash and brush mine daily then forget about it unless I zip it up in my jacket. They act like women at a 50s beauty parlor.

  10. Hey, DH, I realize this guy isn’t in Brooklyn, but are you up for a contract hipster beating of a self-described trust fund brat who cloned his border collie twice and now pays about $2000 in fines for letting his clones run amok?

    And for all of the hipster apologists lurking on the sidelines, this is why we hate you. It’s because everything is about you and only you. Who the hell cares about the public welfare when you can just buy your way out of trouble? Your mantra with every stupid stunt after entitled action is “But I just wanted to have FUUUUUUUUUN! Why are you so MEAN?”, and not once do you ask “will my acting out make me look more like a dick with ears than usual?” This is why you were hated back in Dogfelcher Falls, and it’s why you’re hated once you move to Brooklyn or Austin or Portland to “be with people just like me!”

    • It would serve this dickless wonder right if his canine bullies were torn apart by a legally leashed red nosed pit bull. I’ll bet he wouldn’t care that the poor pit spent his life with a rope around HIS neck. Maybe if the city won’t go after him PETA could jump on him for letting his thugs harass wildlife.

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