Today’s hipster beating.

hipsterapp2Today, I saw a 39 year old, fly swatter shaped, bearded transplant long boarding to the over priced farmers market to buy kale that was sustainably delivered by Schwinn from Iowa. So as he rolled by, I cast my fishing rod; hooked him by his protruding Adam’s apple; reeled him in and beat the organic shit out of him with my trusty Louisville Slugger. End of story.

52 thoughts on “Today’s hipster beating.

  1. Season’s beatings, Hayden!

  2. Sent from my Verizon Wireless Smartphone

  3. There are hipsters in South Brooklyn now.

    They have crossed the line.

  4. The best part about a hipster beating with a Louisville Slugger is that you don’t have to worry about making contact with the “Louisville Slugger” label and shattering the bat. Hell, you can even glance an Ethan riding by on a unicycle with the bat handle and watch him fly into the gutter.

  5. In other developments, General Mills is recognizing the economic value of hipsters, particularly the ones who go back home:

    Yes, because the best way to sell a product that sane parents won’t give their kids is to sell it to adults who refuse to grow up. Watching the runs at Target for Frankenberry and Count Chocula at Halloween, they obviously know their market.

  6. Last weekend I went out with some friends to a small club night in Brooklyn that was playing some great rock/metal music. During the course of the night 5 tryhards came skipping in, bought some PBRs and started to “spazz dance” along to one of the songs… They were clearly so out of place and they were doing their best to make it FUN!! FUN!! FUN!!! , LIKE YAH!! And whereas I would normally not do anything or say anything to anyone trying to have a good time in a new environment, seeing them playing around like twats like that seemed so disrespectful to us regulars, I finally said something to them and pretty much told them to get the F out. Which they did, reluctantly, but not before one of them nasally whined “Why are you so MEAAAAN?”. That did it for me. Fucking asswipes didn’t even stand up for themselves. Had they done that, I would have given them at least some small amount of respect. But whatever. Fuck them.

    • Good for you for directly confronting them, that is what it takes to let them know that they are interloping and not welcome. To many people just look the other way and ignore these out of place hipsters and they think in their minds that it’s ok to act like a spaz with no recourse. I flat out tell them they look and act like retarded assholes and to get the fuck out! If more and more people would step up and straight up tell them then it might let these hipsters that real hard working people are sick of their act.

    • That’s good. I’ve been seeing some of their ugly faces on Grindr lately, and I tell them flat out I don’t do hipsters when they try to chat me up.

      • I honestly think they would self-implode if they were to ever have sex with a *real* man or woman. They are so accustomed to spooning and crying after their vanilla version of love-making that being railed by a real, hard-working, flesh and blood human being (with more muscle mass than them) would absolutely destroy their world.

  7. On 4 lbs test…….

  8. was the Louisville Slugger locally sourced?

  9. Marvin Miller may not have gotten into Cooperstown, but DH should for batting 1.000 this week. ESPN should have this beating on “Baseball Tonight.”

  10. Burlington vermont is swarming with these retards, rent is rediculous now, the jobs are gone. I blame them. Get these idiots out of my state.

    • I love your state–and mine too–, but these assholes need to return home to contaminate their own native land. Elevate the rents in Indiana and Missouri instead.

  11. I like a good old wood bat just for the overall feel and density. So you break a few here and there. It’s not a perfect world. And, they work fantastic on iCrapples. Some of the fanboys got their phones shoved so far up their own asses now, they all sound like Siri when they talk.

    • Carrie Bradshaw references? Check!
      This article deserves its own post.

      • I know that block.

        602 West 140th street.

        Read the comments section, they let her have it.

    • Here we go again. Shitty writers THAT WENT TO UNIVERSITY, writing shitty articles with shitty, junior high school grammar mistakes.

      “After I got accepted to grad school in NYC, I made plans to live with one of my best friends from high school and college who was going to grad school at Columbia.”

      This is her ‘professional, final edit’ article? If I owned the company she submitted to, I would’ve fired the editor by now for being stupid enough to let her story go to print with so little draft revision. This is her best professional work? Pathetic. She opens the entire thing with one bumbled mistake after the next. Oh, I’m sorry. It’s the reader’s job to ignore your mistakes and just know what you meant, right?

      To quote a master,”The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between the lightening and the lightening bug.” (Mark Twain)

      • Don’t be so hard on her. She’s going for her dual MS in Journalism and Social Studies.

      • Agreed. That article really is terrible. There are even words straight up missing. Grad school at Columbia?? Must not be that big of a deal!

    • Haaahaaa they took down the original article because people let her have it. Real New Yorkers = 1, Clueless “loook at meeeeee” Cracker Bitch = 0

  12. Any true beatdown artist would know that the bat of choice is an Easton Aluminum Fungo-Much faster speed and a sweet spot that has a nice sound when you connect solidly

  13. From the article DieHipsterScum linked to:
    ” Do you think it’s cute when 4-year-olds opine about Damien Hirst and demand heirloom tomatoes?”

    Anybody who thinks it’s cute should be plagued with boils on the ass, scurvy, the clap, leprosy, ringworm and acne. All at once. And then they should die.

    • Nah, they should not die. They should be kept alive as long as possible to suffer all those inflictions for a looooong time, preferably while their hellspawn passive-aggresively spit at them.

  14. Really, that article about hipster brats is puke-inducing. It’s enough to make you think King Herod had the right idea.

    • “This lip balm leaves a soft matte finish while hydrating and healing dry, chapped lips.”
      So does dog shit. And you won’t want to lick your lips.

      “This listing is for one .15oz Root Beer Lip Balm.
      “Ingredients: Coconut Oil, Beeswax, Sweet Almond Oil, Avacado Oil”
      OK, so where’s the Root Beer????

      • “OK, so where’s the Root Beer????”

        In the pillow case Sean Penn will use to beat the creator of manly man lip balm with. Blanket party, anyone?

  15. I hadn’t been to Williamsburg in quite some time. I wound up there briefly on Sunday.
    I vomited.

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