Today’s holiday hipster beating.

Today, I saw Casper and Jasper sitting on their sweet Schwinns drinking $4.00 tea made from repurposed, locally-sourced rainwater; trading tofurkey recipes for tonight’s communal artist’s banquet in a contemporary former sardine can factory in south west Greenpoint. So I took my rock-solid frozen 22lb turkey and beat the shit out of those mother fuckin’ cocksuckers. End of story.

27 thoughts on “Today’s holiday hipster beating.

  1. I applaud your efficiency on this Thanksgiving: that 22lb turkey deserves a medal for its role in curbing the hipster population and feeding your friends and family.

    Happy Thanksgiving.

    • “…curbing the hipster population and feeding your friends and family.” Multitasking – i like it!

  2. Afterward you should’ve gone home and watched March of the Wooden Soldiers. Non Ironically of course. Have a great Thanksgiving DH!

  3. I hope your frozen turkey was cruelty filled and not free range. Thank you for the awesome Thankgiving hipster beating.

  4. Today is the day of hipster butthurt, as they go back to their families in flyoverland and get grilled by their family members about “why don’t you have a job?” and “you look like a fuckin’ bum – shave that beard!”

    Methinks that the hipsters would rather be beaten, rather than shamed by their families.

    • and they are being grilled by their family members at 39-years-old.

    • You kidding? Their families are probably scam artists to begin with. Examples: finance, medical, political, old ass money, ect. Ya catch my drift yo?

      • I actually know a hipster who fits ALL stereotypes. Lives free in Manhattan too. You know what his dad does? A fucking real life arms dealer! Can you believe that? Talk about blood money yo. Happy banksgiving!!!! Psych.

    • Oh please, these are the kids who were raised by their parents to feel good about themselves and what they do no matter what.

      Here’s a Thanksgiving conversation in Culdesacville, Iowa:

      Caleb: Hi mom and dad!
      Enabling parents: Hi son, look at you, all grown up with a mustache! How’s your part time cupcake apprenticeship going, and that finger painted mural of Mickey Mouse you were working on?
      Caleb: Going great! Just keep those trust fund checks coming!
      Enabling parents: We will! You know we’re always proud of you, no matter what you do, as long as you feel good about it! You’re doing great things out there in Brooklyn, helping make that scary ghetto a nice neighborhood!

  5. First, Happy Thanksgiving. Nice to have a day off, as it were.

    Second, as a Thanksgiving gift…here’s a 21 year old turkey probably weighing in
    at 90lbs…

    cat piss man says,”cooked food is eating death, and i eat life….”

    Um, Chris? A bell paper that is plucked off the stem is no longer getting nutrients from the roots. In other words, it
    is dead.

    “…I feel like I’m gaining more muscle…I am getting younger…”

    Erm…yeahhh…about that muscle part…I think the physique pretty much says everything about how wrong he is…and
    the getting younger part…again…NO ONE IS GETTING YOUNGER FROM THE MINUTE THEY TAKE THEIR FIRST BREATH…

    “…i’ve got a metal project that makes fun of the metal scene….but we love metal, so….”

    When I hear vegans talk, all I swear all I actually hear is,”I AM SO FUCKING STUPID. I AM SO FUCKING STUPID. I AM SO FUCKING STUPID.”

    I bet it SUCKS to be a vegan on Thanksgivingn day roflmao.

    • “Eating cooked food is eating death” said by a boy smoking a cigarette. Great hopped-up bald headed Jesus!

    • Man what a retard. Vegan or omnivore, you just cant gain muscle on a fucking fixie.

      But please dont paint vegans with the same brush as hipsters – veganism is just another thing they are raping for their honking purposes, like tattoos, DIY and art.

      Maybe check out these vegans who have nothing in common with the q-tip men: http://www.veganfitness.net/viewtopic.php?t=723

  6. oops, sorry

    • (Change https:// to http:// and it embeds properly.)

      Meet Hippy Pop, Iggy’s lesser known illegitimate third cousin from the suburbs of Buttcrack Iowa.

      • Not only does is everybody a DJ, everybody has a record label too.
        He said he was going through hard times. Which usually means the parents are cutting him off, saying “son, you can’t live like this for the rest of your life. Playtime is over, and your mother and I are getting ready to downsize the McMansion and retire to Florida.”

      • “I’m all into healthy living, I’m a raw vegan, I don’t eat anything cooked because you’re eating death instead of eating life” … And all the while, he’s waving a fucking cigarette around.

        Now THAT is irony, and it’s not even intentional.

        • Says he’s “gaining muscle”. hahahahhahaa! What muscle??? Why do these raw vegans all look like Holocaust victims?

          • Not only that. Almost every vegetarian or vegan I know is either a chain smoker or a pothead. Plus it only works if you live near a bunch of health food shops and/or you have lots of time to cook. My biggest problem with going veggie is when I travel or visit the folks. When my family cook, say a chicken or beef stew, I’m not going to ask them to do me the vegan option.
            Besides (drumroll) ANIMALS EAT ANIMALS. Ever see how a cute pussycat tortures a live mouse to death before eating it? Or watch a bunch of komodo dragons feast on a live cow sometime. It’ll change your mind about cute animals forever.

          • “Almost every vegetarian or vegan I know is either a chain smoker or a pothead.”

            Funny that you mention that. I knew somebody who was forever preaching about the evils of cigarettes but was also the biggest pothead around. But as he also weighs 300 lbs, maybe he’s scarfing down the brownies instead of smoking it.

          • “Besides (drumroll) ANIMALS EAT ANIMALS.”

            You just knew there would be a song for that statement.

      • “I like humbling experiences”. No kidding. This is one of them, fuck-bag.

        And he “likes to make fun of metal, but in a good way because he ‘loves’ metal”. Ever wonder why you don’t see r&b bands, classical musicians, reggae groups, rappers, metalheads – making fun of the style of music they play? Because they enjoy it and not in an ironic posturing phony baloney way. Affected idiot lovechild of Frodo and Tommy Lee. Sickening.

      • Gaaahhhh! At first I thought he was an ugly topless woman.

      • No, I don’t think so, but thanks for taking it into your hands. Unless clicking on a secured link is somehow damaging or difficult….?

  7. DH, great beating, but where did you find 2 hipster fuckshits on Thanksgiving? Did you take a day trip to some cul-de-sac in Des Moines just for this beating?

    • Casper and Jasper were the two skewer stick legged losers who cashed in the airline tickets their parents sent in order to feast on overpriced organic, gluten-free dumpster salvaged treats at Traif. They shoulda went home.

  8. love it!

  9. aaaag

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