Happy Thanksgiving; enjoy the empty streets.

Yes it’s that time of the year again for us normal people to enjoy our once normal neighborhoods as the transient nomadic tribes of culture vultures head back to maw and paw for the long weekend. This happens every year; the earth-conscious hipsters take solar-powered jet planes back to their home states to let their parents, aunts and uncles and friends know just how amazing Brooklyn is and how they’ve helped bring much needed culture to this bland borough. They’ll share their stories of how their art hung in a make-shift art gallery converted from a flat fixed shop for a weekend; how their band actually secured the Bedford Avenue train platform for 3 hours on a Saturday night for a gig; how they grew heirloom radishes on the roof of an insecticide factory in North East Lower Bushwick and got written up in the New York Times. They will also pitch new ideas to their parents for additional loans to open businesses like a bacon-infused venison meatball store, or create an app that locates recently filled dumpsters to dive into to bring local and sustainable groceries back to their $2000 a month apartments for communal dinners. So enjoy these next 4 days because on Monday the beards will be back in full force ready to teach us what New York is all about. Like YAH!


36 thoughts on “Happy Thanksgiving; enjoy the empty streets.

  1. LOL!!! I just made a long post in the New Yup Times thread about how great it is to have them gone for a few days. It truly will be a pleasure to go grab a beer with some friends Friday night and not have to see and hear the honking soy boys

    • LOL copy and paste it into this post! It speaks so much truth.

      • Here it is:

        The mass holiday exodus of nasally honking bearded sticks is well underway; Calebs, Megans, Parkers, and Zooeys galore flocking to JFK and LaGuardia, for the flight back home. Gonna be a pleasure the next few days to see the city flash back a bit to the pre hipster days where you could ride the train, go for a beer with some friends, or just walk around the block without seeking some cul-de-zack beta male smugly holding a $5 coffee while kazooing about the vintage hand cranked record player he just bought with his gentrification allowance.

        My hope is that a bunch of them get rejected in their Thanksgiving table pleas for additional funding to hang around in a city where they don’t belong & play creative type all day.

        Maybe as enabling mommy who rewarded every full diaper as a brilliant creation begins to yet again reach for her checkbook, grandpa (who worked for every dollar he ever earned) will stop her, turn to little 34 year old baby Harper, and say;

        Grandpa: “grandson, remember 2 years ago when you begged your mother at this very table to pay for your move to Brooklyn? When you promised that you would accomplish (insert 4 or 5 promises) or you’d come back to the suburbs of Des Moines without argument? Well, I took the liberty that night of writing down every promise you made that day…shall I start reading?

        Harper: “well, like yah,..uhh, you KNOW we had a huge hurricane – that set back all my plans”

        Grandpa: “that was 2 weeks ago – what about the 2 years prior to this October 29th?”

        Harper: “Why are you being so mean to me? Like, I was working on developing a business. Door to door cupcake sales. And a rooftop lemonade stand”

        Grandpa: (laughing): “boy, that’s not a business, that’s an invitation to a daily beating. Now what would a working class person want with an $8 cupcake?”

        Harper: (rolls eyes) “Like yah – I live in Williamsburg – hello!; it’s harrrrrdly working class. In fact, I don’t even know anyone with a job”

        Grandpa: ‘Sounds like a bunch of lazy bastards wasting oxygen while wasting good rent money.”

        Harper: “Well, they are all enlightened and creative – I was going to bring all of them into my new business. But I was robbed of the startup money. By a terrible man with one of those hideous New York accents”

        Grandpa (looking extremely skeptical): “You got jacked when you went to Brownsville to look for a coke dealer, didn’t you?”

        Harper: “What! How the hell did you kno….I mean, that’s ridiculous”

        Grandpa: “When you were high, you mistakenly emailed me a link to your Facebook where you were whining about it happening the last time you went to ‘score’”

        Harper: “Hey, mahhhhhnnnn – like you have like no right to invade my privacy like that! Mommy!!!”

        Mommy: “Poor Harper, my baby – what will it take to make you smile again?”

        Harper: “Well, (sniffle). like yah, a check for $40,000 so I can have to peace to create my art without financial pressure would help….I guess (sniffle)”

        Mommy: “I’m getting my checkbook right now. Poor baby! I can see you need to be in Brooklyn”

        Harper: “Mother……i AM Brooklyn”

        Grandpa: “That’s it!!!! You are getting no check you snarky little fuck! That is my money anyway; I support both of you. I know you’re my daughter but I’ve had enough – If I get any angrier, I will throw you out of my house and sell it. Harper, listen very carefully – You will NEVER see Brooklyn again. Now go to your room – we have a busy day ahead of us. Tomorrow I am dragging you to every business in town where you will BEG for a job. And you will start by shaving that ridiculous red pubic beard.”


        Mommy: “Please dad, not the house! Harper, I think you better go to your room”

        Grandpa: “Oh, Harper – I forgot to tell you. There’s no wifi here. But I have a computer I keep locked up when I’m not home, and tonight I will update your facebook page so the people in Brooklyn will see it. Status = back in the midwest where I belong. The big city is too much for me. I’m a child of the corn”

        Harper: “Like yah, you don’t even know my password”

        Grandpa: “Well you are wearing a Pabst Blue Ribbon t-shirt, a Pabst Blue Ribbon hat, and have a cupcake tattoo with ‘PBR’ in the center. I’m gonna try PBR.”

        Harper: “nooo – they will all see it!!!. (crying for 20 mintues…)
        at least my life can’t get any worse…”

        Grandpa: “Oh, and one more thing. I rented half your room out, so you have to bunk with the tenant. In fact. you might know him – he travels through the country for his work, and says he spends a lot of time in North Brooklyn. Calls himself the ‘hipster beater’, whatever the hell that means.”

        Harper: “Oh nooooo, not again…”

        • Genius and hilarious


          PS-someone jog my memory. isn’t there a song by the group HELMET about hipster types being forced to go back home because they couldn’t hack NY???

  2. ^ Stupid 30 year old bitch comes to DC/VA and disrespects Arlington National Cemetery.
    Dont even bother watching the above video posted by a hipster defender of hers.


    ^ As usual, her daddy speaks to the media and tries to defend/rescue her out of this situation.
    30 fucking years old and her daddy is steal trying to defend her childish behavior.


  3. I live in a far-a-way place called Flagstaff for some reason we’ve been having a problem with hipsters lately. Here they love to bust out their experimental homemade beer and foist it apon us locals at every First Friday Art Walk and then tell us how good it is. Does this happen in NY? I for one, am not one to turn down free beer. But it always sucks! It’s always fucking horrible and for some reason there’s more and more of them. And the Crap “Craft” Brewers all have waxed-up handle-bar liphair. They’re even opening up shops and selling this shit!
    Please Diehipter guy, for the love of all that’s not fucked-up yet, what do we do?

    • Make diehipster.com stickers and plaster them where necessary. Should do the trick. Happy thanksgiving.

      • Shit, we could do the same here. Should be able to get blank stickers and print’em up. There are thousands of places deserving to be plastered with them. The new movie theater posterboards on Driggs, fer instance…….

    • You could dress up like a 19th century apothecary, triple filter your own pee with a twist of lime and hand some out to the hipsters and call it something like Dick’s Picks and watch as they joyously guzzle your creation. Home-brewed, sustainable and 100% recycled!

      • Now THAT is a great idea!

      • Dick’s Picks, LOL! Bottle it in mason jars with an occassional authentic pubic hair in it, (it’s a kewl twist on the worm in the tequila, get it??)put a $20 price on it. You won’t even need Kickstarter for it, it’ll take off on its own.

        • Lol! I fucking love this idea – the red beard being all smug while unknowingly sipping a local’s piss out of a mason jar. Hipsters were right; irony IS fun!

    • I live in Tempe, so I’m very well acquainted will hipsters. Sucks to hear that they’ve infiltrated Flagstaff! Your city has always been my favorite place to visit when the weather cools down. I personally know some hipster trash from high school that live there now. Best bet is to tell them like it is! If they have businesses give them fair and honest Yelp reviews; this is what is going on here in Phoenix. There is a local vegan mexican place called Tediberto’s, and they have very bad service and customer relations. Basically anyone who is not a downtown hipster regular can expect bad treatment and long, long wait times, plus the prices are high and they sell booze under the table. You can read about them on the New Times Phoenix website, they’ve actually written negative reviews about their bad business model. Hit em’ where it hurts, in their parent’s wallet!

  4. T H A N K YO U!!!!! My sentiments exactly. I get my city back.

    • Luckily, NOBODY is really FROM DC, so we should get the town back too (it should be essentially deserted, save for tourists). Now Baltimore, on the other hand…

  5. Happy Thanksgiving to you to DH and I hope you will have a safe one and keep on beating up on those beardo freaks.

  6. Thanks for the Thanksgiving gesture. The same to you and all the others who will enjoy a kazoo-free long weekend drinking cold beer–the kind that people have been enjoying for generations!

  7. Happy Hipster-free Thanksgiving everybody, enjoy it while you can!!

    Unfortunately, I won’t be hipster-free; my Precious Snowflake nephew will be here, back from his 5th year (still an undergrad) very expensive private college to A) most importantly, scoop up some more money for playtime back at school B) Constantly talk about himself and his useless major in Talking About Art. He’s not actually an artist, he just talks about it. C) Talk about how kewel and unique it is to be a MacBook DJ. Because NOBODY in FortBushSouthSlopeEastBurg has ever been a MacBook DJ. and D) lobby the grandparents for funds to go play “curator” at some sort of very expensive internship collective in Berlin, while saying that he can’t (won’t) work because he’s “too busy being involved with ART ART ART ART”, while asking for handouts.

    It’s the same thing every holiday. He repeats himself over and over so many times I’m wondering if he’s had a traumatic brain injury.

  8. I thought I’d escape hispters by turning on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. To my disgust there was this float made by a “Brooklyn artist” who I believe is called Kaws. It looked like a clown laying down with its hands over its eyes. The hands had “Xs” on them and the eyes were also “Xs”

    HHere’s a picture of it


  9. Happy Thanksgiving to all here; kick a hipster for Christ.

  10. Hope all my New Yorkers had a great Thanksgiving!

    It’s always great when the transplants run home to mumsy and dadsy for the holidays.

  11. We all know about the hipsters’ propensity to film everything that moves, well here’s one that I think you’ll find very gratifying. Enjoy

    • There’s a lot of “That’s not funny AT ALL” and “I don’t get it” in the comments.

  12. Not for nothin’, bacon-infused venison meatballs sounds awesome. Otherwise, ditto.

  13. You New Yorkers are lucky – here in Richmond, where most of our hipsters are college students or are still pretending to be college students, they stay put during the holidays, because of irony or whatever they want to call it.

Comments are closed.