Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Ian and Harrison, the transplanted, lo mein-limbed beardos skipping their parents’ expired credit cards like rocks along the kayakable Gowanus Canal as a U-Haul was being unloaded into their new toxic superfund site waterfront property. So I jumped in a forklift and simultaneously rammed them through their communion wafer-thin chests. End of story.

38 thoughts on “Today’s hipster beating.

  1. I love a good beating in the morning!

    • Lo mein-limbed just rolls off the tongue.

    • “I love a good beating in the morning!”

      Heh, that can be interpreted in a couple of ways. This was more of a quirky new take on the classic meat on a stick – how to prepare Josh-kebabs. Hold the BBQ sauce.

    • The only problem with a hipster beating is it agitates the stench from the clothes and makes the bedbugs and lice jump off, maybe onto you.

  2. If I were to start a “brooklyn-based” band I would name it “The Kayakable Gowanus Canal”. Not to be ironic or kewl but in hopes it would encourage even more try-hards to spash around in there.

  3. A beating a day keeps the hipsters away.

    • If the mass transit is hipster infested, can I pray that Death Wish’s Paul Benjamin makes a comeback??

    • And, as usual, the following poorly constructed sentences sum up the whole flimsy ‘article’.

      “Mass transit is a stage and a public space. It hosts events that thousands of people look forward to every year. Like the no pants subway ride.”

      Subtracting further, the words “…is a stage…” reflect the hipster writer’s blind enthusiasms in totality.

    • http://utopianist.com/

      Utopianist: Brian Merchant’s blog. (What’s with the “ist”s? Broadist, Utopianist…)
      More great literature from a great writer.

  4. Communion wafer thin chests, LOL!!!!

  5. “She likes the taste of communion wafers” – Said by real Brooklynite

    Is as strong as a communion wafer – Bearded stick transplant discovering whimsical East Billy

    • Anybody using the word “curate” in an incorrect context should be beaten to death with a pallet of Merriam-Webster Dictionaries. More artsy-fartsy hijacking of the English language by pretentious shitcan connoisseur William Like,Yah-fire wannabes.

      • Hipsters haven’t used the word “curate” in a correct context in YEARS. At this point I doubt they even know the correct context anymore.

    • Their unoriginality is staggering. Here’s yet ANOTHER Black Label:
      http://www.unionmadegoods.com/Filson_Black_Label_Mens.html

      Why do they think EVERYTHING has to be named Black Label in order to be edgy and cool? What is their obsession with calling everything Black Label? I wonder how those Black Label bike douches feel about a high end retailer co-opting their name, which they co-opted from another high end retailer(Ralph Lauren Black Label) which they co-opted from a brand of whisky, etc., etc.

      • Will beard oil be the next “Black Label” productioncurated at discerning neckbeard emporia throughout GreenBushBurgParkClinVille?

      • A Google search for Black Label turned up 164,000,000 results. Everything from the obvious things like the beer and whisky, to clothing lines, investment banking group(the Man that hipsters love to hate!), luggage manufacturers. There are even nail salons and spas called Black Label. How cool can anyone be when literally everyone under the sun names absolutely anything Black Label?

        There’s even a Black Label wedding photographer: http://blacklabeleventfilms.com/packages/ Oh excuse me, they’re not wedding photographers, they’re wedding cinematographers. This is what you do with an MFA in Film Theory I guess.

    • This is why I will NEVER NEVER NEVER wear any clothes with words on them. I mean, I see guys walking around with “Jack and Jones” all the time. Who the fuck are Jack and Jones? Are they paying you to promote their clothing line? If not, why are you advertising them? Did you at least get it for free?

      The Fashion Industrial Complex (name coined by a previous poster on here – I forget his name) has created so many fantasy worlds for young and not so young people to indulge in and waste their money on crap that doesn’t do them any good. It’s just another worthless money-spinning career like organic food or quack medicine that people mistake for something useful.

      Sorry, but when I buy clothes, I choose things that keep me warm with no fucking advertising banner. I’m OK with a tiny label – I believe in credit where it’s due. I just won’t use my body as an advertising banner for some company’s logo.

      • True. All it takes is putting a few words on a pair of jeans or a t-shirt, and Presto! you have a brand (aka fantasy world). It can say something like Exclusive Gowanus Kayak Swim and Country Club Team 1000 with some graphic-designy logo on a t-shirt that costs $1.50/unit. Market them as handmade, organic, cruelty-free and artisanal, sell them out of an ironic Silverstream trailer for $200 and the idiots will line up around the block to buy it.

        I won’t wear anything with a big label on it either. If they want me to be a walking billboard for a trendy t-shirt and jeans brand, they’ll have to pay me.

  6. http://www.grownyc.org/bensonhurstgreenmarket

    Just letting everyone know that this weekend marks the end of the 2012 season for the Bensonhurst Green Market.

    From the bio of the ‘manager’:

    “Growing up spending weekends on the family farm in Brazil, Ana Paula Paglione developed a passion for fresh, seasonal, and sustainably grown food. In her professional life, she has created green educational programs and currently works for a green building materials company. Ana is thrilled to join the greenmarket family where she combines her love of small farms with her commitment to supporting the burgeoning local food movement. She lives in Bay Ridge and if you ask her, she’ll tell you why it’s Brooklyn’s best kept secret.”

    The invasion is here. They have crossed the line.

    • Even worse is the picture someone sent me of the old Haagen Daaz place on 77th and 3rd that’s going to be an “artisnal” vegan Ice Cream shop. In the winter no less. It was a few weeks ago but I forgot about it with all the chaos. I will say one thing though. With all of the displaced Real New Yorkers taking up the apartments and staying with friends and family in real Brooklyn for who knows how long that invasion has been pushed back before it gains traction. Nothing to see here hipsters move along!

    • First thing I see on their page:

      Donate – Help us grow.
      Sign Up – Get updates.
      Volunteer – Grow with us.

      Should read:

      Donate – Because we feel the world owes us a living because our moms said so.
      Sign Up – For the Look at Meeeeeeeee factor.
      Volunteer – Because we’re too cheap to pay actual workers. You will be paid in Look at Meeeeee bucks.

  7. Speaking of Ian(s)…

    So now the resident pontificating hipster is also a poli-sci AND military logistics expert.

    Terrific.

    Another douche who thinks Anonymous are heros instead of the anti-West instigators that they are.

    Just for good measure, he ends by leading you through heart surgery and mediation. What
    more could any of us ask for?

    Thankfully, he’s only ever going to have the power to play with his hair.

  8. The Daily News today asked people on the street what their favorite Thanksgiving memory was. One woman said “the time me & my vegan friends celebrated Thanksgiving at a turkey farm and had tofu instead of turkey.” I’d like Flex Wheeler to grab her by her pasty chicken legs, make a wish and snap her like a wishbone. End of Thanksgiving story.

    • And here they are on Black Friday

      Here’s the uploader’s description:
      “So guys, this video captures some of the insanity, but it does not capture it all. You cannot see the the hundreds of people waiitng around the corners of our store banging madly at the windows. You cannot really see the multitudes waiting in front of Old Navy, but not to get into Old Navy, but to get into our store. You cannot see the line barricades and fixtures come crashing down as people run into our store. You cannot see the ornament x-mas streets booming to the floor either and hear the crashes of ornaments breaking. You cannot hear them chanting “We love urban!” Again, this only captures some of the madness. THe first two hours all we heard was crash, boom, bang. Trying to the control the cashwrap line was intense, since there was no line and the whole back of the store consisted of people pushing almost trampling me, to pay. I wish I had video of that also. People were climbing on top of our displays, cabinets etc. Seriously people, we need to get our priorities straight”

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