Today’s hipster beating.

Today, while I was flossing Colby’s teeth with barbed wire for exploring Coney Island with his Polaroid camera, I saw Cameron the crusty, down on his luck, smelly-dreadlocked, pseudo freight train hobo sitting there with his malnourished pitbull and $3500 worth of tattoos asking for a few bucks to get home. So I dipped a stray cat in Peter Luger’s sauce; taped it to Cameron’s back and let the dog do today’s hipster beating. End of story.

37 thoughts on “Today’s hipster beating.

  1. That poor dog!

  2. I like happy endings.

  3. Good one!!!

  4. Sir, you were on my subway last night weren’t you? First, Cameron and his dog got on the northbound “C” train around Jay St./Metrotech, and a few stops later some delightful and whimsical type got on with a plastic didgeridoo! It’s getting so that I can’t leave my apartment….

  5. Aw, what did the cat do to deserve such a fate? Couldn’t you have found a rat instead?

  6. I am very offended by this post.

    1) was it necessary to abuse the cat?

    2) how do we know that Cameron did’nt show off his awesome cool dog bites and scratches on his tumblr blog and claim they were self-inflicted?

  7. LMFAO!!!

  8. The Peter Luger’s Steak Sauce was the best part.

  9. How about just tie him down, prone, pants pulled down, to let all vermin eat his flesh while he starves and dehydrates and any sexually deviant anally rape him?

    Does anyone object to that?

  10. $3,500 worth of tatoos is the ONE hipster accesory that they cannot sell on craigslist, etsy, or anywhere else when their trust funds dry up.
    Thank god.
    I do expect to see a lot of folks trying to sell their filthy blonde dreds to the wig shops though in the next few years.

    • You haven’t been on Etsy lately, have you? You have dipshits trying to sell any tissue or bodily fluid they can find, all in the name of ART ART ART ART.

      • Edgy and quirky new twist on classic iCrap cases Limited edition, custom handcrafted by my girlfriend Ilse Kochteaseme from supple, locally produced chest skin with whimsical tribal art motif. Contact Cameron @ Mug’s Ale House after 7 P.M.

        • LJ — I don’t look at etsy really ever. I do not douobt a thing you say though. These people are disgusting. I can’t imagine how much worse it will get. Remember that chick that peed in her spaghetti-ohs? That’s how she tried to raise money when things were going well. I don’t want to think about what she’ll try when things get really bad for her.

          Joe — I’m pretty sure Cameron’s business card lists the phone numbers for four trendy bars but not his own. Since he spends half of his days chasing the scary kids who steal his brand new phone every morning and the other half crying about it into his Shiner Bach he knows that is the only way people will ever be able to reach him.

          • Oh, shit. Don’t tell me that Shiner Bock has made it up there, too. (The stuff used to be a big deal when it only had one brewery and it was practically the official beer of the University of Texas. However, that was back twenty years or more ago, before it was bought out and sold as the Austin equivalent of Pabst.)

          • I don’t know if they actually have it in NYC but we do have it in Minneapolis now.
            Also, I may have told you this before but one of the really hipsterfied bars in the gentrified playground now known as the NE MPLS Arts District (ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART) has also been selling Lone Star tall boys for about a year now. I have never seen it anywhere else in Minnesota. My guess is that the cankle queen who owns that bar drank it at SXSW one year and thought to herself that “the sheepish art fucks back home would drink this shit like PBR…”

    • And of course, all the listed establishments are in Hampden and Fells Point.

      Living in Roland Park, I periodically fire up the ol’ 465hp (thanks to aftermarket mods) SRT8 Jeep and cruise down 36th St., looking for pretentious, cute-sy, quirky and zany Caleb’s and Molly’s who might make a wonderful new piece of art/hood ornament. Fortunately with their ball-crushing jeans and frumpy granny-dresses (respectively), none of them can run very fast. They make such sad faces before getting embedded in my grill. :(

      Fucking pieces of shit…

  11. Best beating ever: it reinforces the supremacy of real Brooklyn (Peter Luger’s, preserving Coney Island), feeds an emaciated dog (PETA would approve!), promotes good (albeit a tad harsh) dental hygeine, saves a stray cat from a life of misery (and the neighbors from a stray cat), and gently reminds hipsters not to spend so much on tatoos. Well done!

    • Works for me. I’m honestly amazed that more places, particularly bookstores, aren’t putting up similar signs. Even Cat Piss Men eventually buy something.

  12. The poor kitty! I love cats more than I hate hipster jackasses.

  13. An excellent hipster beating!
    Work smarter — not harder, I say.

  14. I don’t agree with the use of the cat for two reasons. First, I love cats and would never wish harm upon the street kitties in this neighborhood. Second, it’s a well-known fact that cats, when left with no alternative food source, will eat people. I think just locking Cameron in a room, letting him die on his own and then feeding him to the cat and the dog would be far more humane.

  15. NOOOOOOO

    been reading this amazing site for a long time and secretly dreading the day my name would be used in a Die Hipster post.

    My secret shame…

  16. I know this won’t earn my any friends, but I don’t think this fits with the image of hard-working normal people who just want these scene kids to grow up. Which I agree with. But I’m out-of-touch enough to be Christian, and Christ said to love your enemies and pray for those who hate you. I’m not saying that you have to believe in something like that, but I think it would be better to hope they’ll change their lives from their misfortune than kick than while they’re down. And I know this might not be serious, but I think the idea isn’t right.

    • Kick them while they’re down? How are they down? They don’t work for the money they spend and the powers that be protect and encourage their invasion because of that money. Misfortune? Yep, you are out of touch. We don’t come to your church and beat hipsters, don’t come to this site and preach Jesus.

    • HERRO STEVIE!!!!!

      Verily I say to thee, thou art pathetic.
      Hipsterminator 69:69

    • “I’m not saying that you have to believe in something like that, but I think it would be better to hope they’ll change their lives from their misfortune than kick than while they’re down.”

      Ever heard of something called Tough Love? It’s just that some people need a little more Size 10 1/2 “loving” than most.

      • The steel-tipped variety are especially persuasive.

        • There’s also Seattle Smallpox: a condition caused by being stomped in the face by a pair of spiked lumberjack boots. This of course dates back to the days when Seattle was the center of the lumber industry rather than the hipster spawning ground it has become.

        • With a spike in the toe.

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