Fuck you and your fucking chickens Hannah.

In parts of Brooklyn like Sheepshead Bay or places in Queens like Breezy Point and Rockaway - where people’s homes and businesses are destroyed and/or still flooded; as people have no clothes, food, electricity, water, etc - Hannah the hipster/yupster transplant from Washington State has a massive dilemma: Where will she find a place to live in a “kewl nabe” that’s still acceptable by her smug transplant hipster friends AND a place that will have room for her quirkily named chickens? You poor thing Hannah – working so hard and diligently with New Brooklyn real estate agents to accommodate your needs.

How fucking self-entitled and pathetic do you have to be knowing you are about to give a story – a type of story that’s been run a hundred times if not more, just with slightly different names and neighborhoods - to the New Yup Times, one of the largest publications in the world – and that it will probably be angrily read by people who are really suffering or by people who know others that are suffering. Fuck you and your chickens and your cage-free, organic, cruelty-free fucking eggs. If I were to fry up two eggs from a styrofoam container from an evil supermarket like Key Food – you wouldn’t know the difference you fraud. Why do these hayseeds from the middle of nowhere insist on coming here and farming in Brooklyn? Because some nasally fuck named Ian or Zachary that you went to liberal arts school with told you the coffee is good here? Because you read a blog about a cupcake revolution happening here? Because you want to make your horrible art that nobody with ever know about with other trustfunded kidults?

Yeah I get it: Their home in Red Hook has flooded and cannot be lived in for now or maybe never. But using the word “displaced” just doesn’t seem to fit these people. It’s more of an inconvenience if you ask me. If you still have an office to sleep in or friends and family to stay with while you search for a new place in the most expensive parts of Brooklyn that will accommodate your fucking chickens and has a kitchen good enough so you can continue your Quarterly Recipe Publication (wtf?) while you get interviewed by the Times, well,  then you are just asking for people to hate on you. I would bet a million dollars that right now if they were offered a decent one bedroom with no chicken coop or garden; that’s not near any organic food store, in a neighborhood like Bensonhurst, Marine Park, Dyker, or Gravesend – basically where normal Brooklynites live – they would refuse it. And that’s just the way I like it. Go back to your farms you out-of-place, annoying, wanna-be Brooklynites.

Link: The New Yup Times – Hannah and her chickens.

154 thoughts on “Fuck you and your fucking chickens Hannah.

  1. Just when I think I can’t hate these fucking poseur hipster mutherfuckers any more than I do, there’s always one more that just makes me! What a fucking dumb piece of shit Hannah is. Go the fuck back to your flyover state and do the rest of Brooklyn a favor.

    • New Yawkers are SUFFERING, people!
      And instead of helping them, I’m jacking off on a hipster-hate site.
      For the VICTIMS!

      • So what the fuck are you doing, Needy? You’re on the same website with multiple posts, more in fact than some of the people you’re insulting for doing the same thing you are. Weak, lame and childish.

    • Washington State is hardly flyover–hello, Seattle! But she’s a twit who abandoned her own chickens and now expects to find a place to accommodate them?

  2. Fuck that bitch.

  3. What’s your fucking problem? Red Hook got hit hard and she lost her house too. Who gives a shit if she has chickens for pets instead of a dog or a cat. This makes her somehow unworthy of sympathy? Why are you such as asshole? Complain about the New York Times if you think her particular story of loss and destruction isn’t worthy of coverage. It’s not her fault. You’re an asshole.

    • Not unworthy of sympathy, just worthy of hipster bashing. Her background is hilarious:

      “I’m a professional baker and bartender, living in Brooklyn, New York, where I keep chickens and grow vegetables on my rooftop. I studied painting at The Rhode Island School of Design (RISD), and grew up in rural Washington State.”

      All that is missing is documentary film maker/photographer and captain of the local kickball team. It was like she was created in a test tube from a hipster laboratory.

      • “I’m a professional baker and bartender, living in Brooklyn, New York, where I keep chickens and grow vegetables on my rooftop. I studied painting at The Rhode Island School of Design (RISD), and grew up in rural Washington State.”

        Hipster much?

        I fail to see how any native New Yorker could ever feel the least bit sorry for this flyover Megan

      • Don’t worry, I’m surre some part-time pro film documentarian will hit up Hannah & Hiroshi to make a heroic film about their epic struggle.

        • Wait until Special Edd gets out of the psych ward.

          • AH of course. Veggies on the roof. As a super of a building I know what that leads to. ME cleaning up all the mess every week or so after the wind blows all the veggie and flower pots with soil off the roof and into the sidewalk and hoping it doesnt hit someone

      • Brilliant – created in a test tube from a hipster laboratory. well done.

    • You could’ve stopped at “Who gives a shit”. We don’t. Run along now. You don’t want to be late for your snorkeling/underwater Lincoln Log crafts class in the Gowanus.

    • Well said. No one deserves to lose their home hipster retard or not.

  4. Here’s ms. Chicken herself selling some cupcakes!
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/hardheartedhannah/2649134591/in/photostream/

    From her website at http://www.sweetsandbitters.com/about/:
    “I’m a professional baker and bartender, living in Brooklyn, New York, where I keep chickens and grow vegetables on my rooftop. I studied painting at The Rhode Island School of Design (RISD), and grew up in rural Washington State.”

    So she’s a painter, grows shit on her rooftop AND sells cupcakes in addition to raising chickens in Brooklyn?! This chick is a combination of so many hipster stereotypes it’s almost too much to believe it’s a coincidence. She HAS to be doing this on purpose. No one can be this much of a hipster fucktard and not know that they are.

    Along with her little artsy cookbook that she funded with Kickstarter. It’s almost too much to bear…

    • LOL

    • We have the female winner of “You know you’re a hipster…” contest. I wonder what her male counter-part would be. Probably exactly the same except with a slight dash of testosterone.

    • “I’m a professional baker and bartender……”

      Riiiiiiight……
      2 ‘occupations’ you can be ‘professional’ at and not be ‘licensed’ to do so.

      I’d have to say she is certainly alpha female among the hipster elite.

      • Does she have a food handler’s license?

        Maybe someone can report her to 311 ?

      • I would never refer to myself as a “professional” bartender, (bartender alone suffices), but tread lightly. Not all of us bartenders grow vegetables on our rooftops or rummage through dumpsters for clothing. It’s a job that has its ups and downsides like any other and can even lead to such non-hipster things as supporting a family, owning a home or business if done rightly.

    • I saw her photo stream showing the cupcakes being prepared in her apartment. Here it’s illegal to produce food for sale in a residence and they will shut you down. Can’t a complaint be filed with the Health Department using her own photos as proof? You know, irony.

    • How to Wash Dishes – by Hannah the Chicken Lady.

      How to Dice Onions – by Hannah the Chicken Lady.

      How to Shake or Stir Cocktails – by Hannah the Chicken Lady.

      Coming soon:
      How to Walk and Chew Gum at the Same Time – by Hannah the Chicken Lady.

    • @Paul Abruzzo: I disagree. I see nothing about her having a personal line of hand made jewelry, film project, or a band so without that trifecta you can safely dismiss all the other markers as coincidence.

      • I forgot about the band! She needs two guys in trucker caps who can’t play keyboards, having keyboards making digital farts to make that dream a reality.

    • That is a walking, cycling clusterf***.

    • Hey my name is Sandy, i’m thinking after reading your post, I may have hit her apartment on purpose. Hurricane Sandy

    • Hannah wants us to know she went to RISD (yearly tuition: 60K) and establishes her hipster bona fides by humbly using her degree to mix drinks and play farmer in NYC.

      Any parent would be proud.

    • Foodies on food stamps –  what’s a down and out hipster to do ?  Allow me to force a 5 pound block of cheese up into your refined palate you fucking douchebucket

    • “…her house in the neighborhood of Hampden.” Humungusly large clue. That place should be carpet-bombed. The sad part is that REAL working people who’ve been laid off can’t qualify or won’t apply because of pond scum like this.

      • They are all such perfect fucking xerox copies, ( sorry, insta-copies ), of their hippy parents. Their angst and obsession over turning 30; their need to demand federal safety nets set up for the (truly) poor and starving (like, you knowww, the kind that can’t ‘go home’ because, like, they don’t have one to begin with ) also be available to themselves even though they went to COLLEGE; the pretend protests ( which, sadly, they actually do WORSE than their parents did ); their demand that Utopia is a real possibility ( no, it’s not..never has been, never will be ) and you can make it happen just by ‘living it’ (overall, communes were a total failure ); the fixation with food and the word ‘natural’; and finally, how it all exposes the total fragility of what they claim to believe in as being easy to break as brittle glass. Their rhetoric may go unchallenged in the cafe’s and might read well from blog to blog, but the pragmatic realities of Life and human nature continually remind them, and increases the volume of their frustration, that make-believe may be fun, but it’s actually useful if it inspires you to grow the fuck up and work/change the system from within. Not stand outside the citadel throwing cupcakes at the parapets. That’s never worked.

        • It’s their underdog fetish that really does it for me. The way we’ve all got to stop what we’re doing and listen to them, just because they never went through the phase of realising, “Hey, Holden Caulfield was kind of a douche and not a role model at all.”

          They spend all that time protesting for or with people who are actually suffering, but it never dawns on them that those people would jump at the chance to rise in the world, if they could only have such a chance. That being vaguely disillusioned, because you felt like being a rebel when you woke up this morning, doesn’t put you in the same category as those who’ve struggled just to stay alive.

          I have never encountered a group of people who went so far out of their way to be depressed when they had nothing to be depressed about. Even the emos were a) tongue in cheek about it and b) mostly 14 years old.

          Hipsters talk about the mainstream exactly the way you might talk about an ex that you’ve “totally got over”… after she got sick of you lying around getting wasted all day. They talk about it with about the same regularity, too. Especially after enough drinks.

  5. My sister found a chicken in her neighborhood in Queens a few years back. She took it in for a few weeks, and then realized an apartment isn’t a home for chickens, so brought it to some place upstate. You know: upstate, a place with farms. Hurricane or not, there are pets and there are animals who don’t belong in the city.

  6. “…there are animals who don’t belong in the city.”

    That also applies to praying mantis-physiqued lice farms with legs.

  7. Ok, I am a little bit confused about something. The restaurant that owns the extra lot, which was not being used for anything apart from housing chickens, is relying on “Restore Red Hook” to get their business back up in running. Fine. Why, however, is selling the extra lot that was used for f*** all considered a last resort?! Shouldn’t they be selling that and using the $$$ to keep the business afloat instead of relying on handouts?

    Please correct me if I have misunderstood something here.

    Cheers.

    • Why do anything yourself when you can get it from the Gummint? Remember, this is coming from a fine dining establishment that values a chicken coop/rat farm over developing the rubbish dump next door to them. Deviant muppets…

      • I don’t think it’s a government program, and if it was, it would probably be means tested as it should be.
        Heres the thing:
        They didn’t bother with insurance, so they ought to be 100% responsible for reopening. If they had insurance and it was not paid out, then, fine, help them. But these people purposely didn’t pay for coverage! They need to sell the lot if they want to open.

  8. “Why do these hayseeds from the middle of nowhere insist on coming here and farming in Brooklyn?”

    Because upstate and eastern Long Island aren’t cool man. Farming is only cool if you farm in cool places. Forget wanting to simply grow food. You need to grow food where its cool.

    You can grow uncool, unhip carrots on an actual farm…..but why would you when Brooklyn exists.

    • Sadly, the reason they do this in Brooklyn is because they can get the attention they so desperately crave here. The fact that this was in the New York Times proves it. And that’s another problem with hipsters that’s commonly discussed on this site (long time reader/lurker infrequent commentator)…they rarely do anything that’s selfless. At the end of the day, no matter what hipsters do, it’s all to project their egos and elitist attitudes onto others.

      People have been growing vegetables on rooftops for decades in New York, but when the hipsters do it…suddenly it’s a new phenomenon and all of the publications that have fallen to the yups fawn over them like they’re truly on the cutting edge.

      Really, they could raise chickens, pigs, and grow vegetables where there’s actually space available upstate or far away in flyoverlandia where there is actually affordable farmland…but the chances that they would just give up shortly after getting shown up by real farmers who do it for a living for AGES is very high.

      • Well said- the “hipster optics” on a real farm are not adequate to feed the press needs of these fake fucks- and real farmers don’t name their chickens so they can blog about them and impress their friends. The Times should be humiliated for printing such shite and the writer probably came from Illi-noise and went to RISD with the chicken princess. This enrages me beyond the need to just vent- wouldn’t it be nice if every displaced new yorker struck by true tragedy had a little Times exposé to help them find a roof, heat and clean running water to call their own again. Fuck yourself Hannah and your fashionable search to house your fucking chickens.

        • There’s a term for it: “hobby farms”. Privileged people who have no desire to work for a living, move just outside the city, keep chickens and cows as pets and name them. Then, when they realize this isn’t sustainable – in the original “does it make money, or does it cost an arm and a leg?” sense of the term – they close up shop.

          This article is truly unbelievable. Was looking for the green logo of The Onion and it was the goddamn NYT?

          If this Hannah isn’t in a roller derby league, she has to join ASAP in order to up her “creative and unique” quotient…

          • Ugh, Roller derby leagues. When they started popping up again in the late 90′s and I saw otherwise generally reasonable adults beginning to join them, I pretty much threw up my hands. Between that and the return of bubble gum pop boy bands, I knew the Apocalypse had arrived and we were all f’d.

      • In the end I’m not sure who’s worse: the hipsters or the hipster-enablers like the NYT. In my neighborhood (I live in Chicago) there’s a lot of Chinese immigrant families. Probably close to half of them have some kind of little vegetable garden and a few have some chickens. I have never once seen a non-white person interviewed for “urban farming.” And if they tried, I’m sure the Chinese guy would have no idea why someone was interested in the fact that he was growing vegetables. It’s really not that exciting, unless of course you have a liberal arts degree, in which case growing vegetables becomes an Important Statement on our Relationship with the Earth and something about Urbanism, etc…

        • Somebody with a Fine Arts degree and refolds jeans at Old Navy won’t get a write up in the New York “All the poop we deem fit to print” Times. Working at Old Navy and being a full-time swineherd, living in a fourth floor walk-up studio apartment in Fort Greene, will.

          • When I was a kid, I remember reading a “Mad” magazine bit about a competition between school kids for the most inventive excuses, and in the listing for “Best Excuse for Being Tardy” was a kid stating “Well, after I fed the chickens, milked the cows, and slopped the pigs, I was late because the elevator in our apartment building was out of order.” I never thought I’d see a situation where this excuse could actually be true.

        • This.

        • Exactly. Growing up as an Italian in Queens, my mother used to grow tomatoes, had a fig tree, an apple tree and a grape vine that ran alongside the side of our garage in what must have been 50 sq ft. of dirt! Along with countless flower pots growing basil which she would freeze to preserve. It was never special…it’s just what people did. It wasn’t enough to live off of, but enough to augment the food she bought.

          I can’t believe that these hipsters come here, do something that everyone else has been doing for decades then try to act like they discovered it.

          Then again that’s the entire hipster ethos.

        • Good point- being white and privileged in America entitles you to make an academic statement by, on a whim, trying to live as others been living for generations….oh so respectful of everyone- everyone who reads their blog and feeds their illusion of how ‘real’ they’re keeping it- blah blah fucking blah

        • The New York Hipster Times is definitely worse. Growing up in Spanish Harlem my mother used to plant tomatoes out on the fire escape, where’s our LOOK-AT-US-WE’RE-SO-QUIRKY style feature?

          But wait! Then there’s this:

          “The four she currently has — Chicki Minaj, Hillary Chicken, Black Betty and Salt Hen Peppa, who is also called Cookie Dough — were born in New Jersey in May. ”

          ‘Born’? Um.. chickens are hatched, not born. What the hell is wrong with these people?

      • ultimately, you are correct. there are plenty of farms here in upstate, and old style towns that are economically strapped that could do with revival.
        however, it would require real revival with serious farm work not the performance art of a few birds and some potted tomato plants.
        you’re right, where is the glory in coming upstate to grow corn? they can do that back in iowa and no-one would care.

        • Melodian, Stephonica, Cankleen, Zoe-Astria, The Esophagus Twins (Canstanzya and Lubyanka) ,after arriving in Java, New York in their Beverly Hillbillies-inspired vintage truck, where they plan to open a female empowered, sustainable organic hummus plantation/music venue. “We chose to colonize Java because, like, it’s like, sooooo kewl to live in a town named after a street in Greenpoint? Yah……how, like…..um………..I mean………….I don’t know…..is there, like, an L train station here?”

          http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff149/SfanGoch/dtcommonstreamsStreamServer.jpg

          • the phrase “over the falls in a barrell comes to mind” in this instance. like yah it was so fun to garner attention for border issues

    • For the “Look At Me” factor.

      • The ‘Look At Me’ factor. I’m calling that LAM now lol

        It is particularly acute in those hipsters that are involved in acting. It’s always been true that people who go into acting want, on some level, to be looked at else they’d stay put in the shower. But I’ve never, ever seen a really pervasive sense of entitlement to BE looked at simply for breathing as I have with hipsters. “I’m here. Where’s my starring role? Am I reading with De Niro? Sigourney Weaver? How many lines do I have? What do you MEAN i’m too young for this role?! Don’t you know ANYTHING?! There’s NO SUCH THING as ‘too young’! I don’t understand, I’m like 23 and OF COURSE I can play a divorced, recovering addict who’s been in the civil service for seventeen years! I know all about that stuff! I can’t believe you won’t even let me read! What do you MEAN?! I’m gonna call my agent! (runs away in tears)”.

        Hipster entitlement: because we breathe, you should hire us.

        • “because we breathe, you should hire us”

          A sustained artisanally applied beating will:

          1. stop any further waste of oxygen
          2. reduce their carbon cankeleprint
          3. provide limitless entertainment on this site.

        • I’d abbreviate it as LAMe, but that’s just me trying to get attention. (Look at ME, instead!) ;)

    • More accurately, farming isn’t cool unless you can be SEEN DOING IT.

      It is to this end that these fucks till the earth in bright orange aprons, purple clogs and pink scarves in July.

  9. Dont forget, their new home must be within “biking distance” LOLOL. Of course it does.

  10. I wish Sandy had blown her and her chickens back to Wenatchee or Spokane or wherever she came from. “Rural Washington State” is code for Eastern Washington, which is basically the arid, semi-desert, agricultural redneck half of the state that occasionally threatens to break off and become its own state, but unfortunately never goes through with it.

  11. I have no problem hating her for all the massive stereotypes she fits perfectly into. But I will say that any hipster who is dealing with the mess like the other new yorkers and not just getting a plane or train ride back to Indiana deserves a break. It doesn’t mean I like hipsters, it means some of them are dealing with the problem like everyone else and in many cases, helping others. Respect to them.

    • Hats off to any hipster who is donating their cruelty free eggs instead of posing for the new yup times

    • They’re NOT dealing with the mess like the other new yorkers [sic] – they’re prancing around squealing like somebody nailed one of their feet to the floor and set them on fire. Do REAL New Yorkers go looking for a place that allows chickens, or are they more in the market for some place that has four walls and a roof, and heat and clean running water? OOO – I got my picture in the NYT (Newe Yorke Tymes bird cage liner) – now everyone can see how quirky and zany I am and will clamor to have me and my lice-infested rat-magnet menagerie come and rent their apartment.

      • “…they’re prancing around squealing like somebody nailed one of their feet to the floor and set them on fire.”

        Thanks for the idea. I’m adding that to the “Fun Activities” list. I was going to settle for setting up mace traps in McCarren Park.

    • while i admire your willingness to give people a shot to prove themselves under fire, with respect, i disagree.
      they’re just creating fabulous stories to tell their friends on the west coast or back in culdesacia. “i lived in new york before sandy. it was so cool then. i was going to stay, but after the city was rebuilt it wasn’t the same.

      my suggestion to the displaced chicken owing hipsters: jewish penicillin.

  12. You have no choice but to take Hannah from Washington! We were desperate to kick her hipster butt out of Seattle, and we aren’t taking her back!

    • She’s not from Seattle. She’s from “rural Washington,” so I’m guessing somewhere around Wenatchee, Yakima or Walla Walla. But she’s definitely not from Seattle, which of course has plenty of problems of its own with hipster transplants ruining the city and erasing its culture. I’m just counting down the days until Dick’s starts using organic, cruelty-free beef and Ivar’s makes its clam chowder with soy milk.

      • The day Dick’s starts in with the cruelty-free beef is the day I jump off the Fremont Bridge. And yes, the beard farming here has grown to epidemic proportions, Walking around Fremont, Capitol Hill, or Ballard is like going through some kind of hipster zombie movie.

        • Lozllolzlol.

        • Fuck… I remember when Capitol Hill was the gay district and Ballard was the Scandinavian neighborhood. More like body snatchers than zombies, except they take over whole neighborhoods.

          What pisses me off the most is that Seattle gets the same treatment as Brooklyn in the media, as though the hipster bullshit is emblematic of the local culture, when real Seattleites have way more in common with real New Yorkers than with those assholes in Williamsburg. You can always read about artisanal this or locally sourced that, but you’ll never hear about Dick’s, the salmon run at the Ballard Locks, “Almost Live!” or any of the other stuff that real Seattleites grow up on.

    • A freak show. The guy in front grooms his nose hairs, so the lice can live there.

      • Those ear plugs are SO freaking nasty. I didn’t even like them on my friends uncle in the 90′s, who I nearly worshipped. They get worse over time, too imho.

        What’s with the Dali stache? “If I LOOK Dali, I might be mistaken for having his genius too!” mwah hahahahaha….hipster genius, more like, which is to say,”None at all.”

  13. Pardon me if someone already suggested it, but, can’t she slaughter the chickens and donate the meat to needy people? would that bring her enough attention.

  14. So NYT caters to this “new” leisure class for obvious reasons: $$$$. Landlords, RE agents, overpriced food establishments, ect, ect. The loot that these folks bring is staggering. These folks are not ashamed about their class superiority, intellectual and racism, and every other hypocritical dirty word you can muster. Really folks, we have been beaten, again, by “the man”. And its been like this for eons. So mister Die Hipster, you are our working class hero.

    • Not just for $$$$. They’re also useful for squelching out any kind of “Liberal” protest against Wall street or vested interests. For instance, I know plenty of people involved in real political movements involving freedom and human rights activism. It’s bad enough thaty they have to deal with the press and watch what they say in case some tabloid journalist smears them with it. But their worst fear is hipsters.
      Look what happened with OWS. There were a small number of serious activists in there protesting real abuses by the banks. They were swamped by thousands of fucking idiots doing meditation circles, organic food and shitty bands. It was a wet dream for Fox. They didn’t need Rush or Beck. They just needed to go to Zucotti park with the cameras and it was like MTV’s Jackass times a million. Like a bunch of drunk, inbred relatives who show up at a wedding and wreck the party because they’re too stupid to do anything else. Result: nobody takes the real activists seriously. Nobody even wants to hear them and their message gets drowned out in a sea of organic turds. The billionaire bankers must have been jerking off to that shitfest like a bunch of bonobos.
      That’s why I’ve been saying “The Man” was behind that thing all along. No better way to drown out a serious movement in organic asshattery.

      • Exactly. Thats a technique they use. I was there with a mortgage chart sign. I look over and there was some chickenhead there topless who had body paint for a shirt and pippi-longstocking hair. You know what I am saying.

  15. This post pisses me off for a multitude of reasons.

    She is so worried about her dear pets now, but where was the concern when she locked them in their coop and left them to wait out a hurricane, basically unprotected and trapped? Seriously? Who treats their pets this way? And the people that rescued them- that was nice, but did she even appreciate that they took such a risk to save animals she basically left to die?

    The worst? The owners of the restaurant. They didn’t bother to *buy insurance*, like a responsible business owner would, and now they expect money from others? Really? Those funds should be used for people that need it, not irresponsible owners that profited from refusal to act like a business owner (buy insurance!). They even have a vacant lot, which has to be valuable! They ought to sell that before asking for a handout.

    I am *all for* helping people hit by disaster, whether it’s a storm or a recession. But I cannot stomach the irresponsibility of these hipsters, who demand help and hand outs at every turn. (other posters mentioned the SNAP use of hipsters) It is people like THESE ONES that are used as an example of why we shouldn’t have food stamps, or other assistance programs. They ruin it for everyone else with their selfishness.

    • One of two things happened when it came to those chickens. Either she ran crying for higher ground the moment she heard the hurricane was going through, and only remembered the chickens when she realized she had extra time in the afternoon after she got up, or she went through the usual passive-aggressive routine of sighing “Well, I TRIED to find someone who’d let me take my chickens, but they wouldn’t let me keep them in my bedroom, so I had to leave them behind…”

    • On the Saturday after the storm, I took a walk to Dave’s Hardware Store on Smith Street to pick up some tools. On the way back home, I cut up Hoyt Street. As i approached State Street, I passed an artsy Meghan. She grabbed my shoulder and I wheeled around asking, “What’s your problem?” She said, “Oh, like I didn’t mean to startle you! My apartment was totally trashed during the storm and I, like lost everything.” Really. “So, where’s your apartment?” She replied, “It’s in that building”, pointing. The building looked familiar. It should. It’s the same fucking apartment complex I live in. She said that she lived on the sixth floor, facing State Street and that the wind blew her windows in, allowing the rain to “totally wreck everything”. There was no major or minor fucking damage to the place whatsoever; but, I decided to play along. “What do you need?”, as if I didn’t know what was coming. “Could you spare some money for a cup of coffee?” I pulled out a dollar; but she stopped me and said, “Uh, do you think that you can give me a couple of dollars?” “How much is a ‘couple’?” “I’d riiiiilly appreciate it if you could give me $15.” “Fifteen bucks, huh? That one expensive cup of coffee, Miss. Tell you what. I’ll give you the money if you do something for me.” She screwed her face up and asked me what I wanted. I told her she can either give me a blow job, or, let me splinter her shins with the ball peen hammer I just bought. She started yelling at me, calling me a pervert and degenerate and that I could keep my fucking “sick” money. She stormed down the block cursing. My pal Nat, the Mayor of Hoyt Street, was standing nearby, laughing his ass off. He said that she was pulling that scam for the better part of the morning. I spotted this skank couple hours ago, standing in the lobby of my building, as I was on the was to pick my kid up from school. She ducked down the hall and got on the elevator riiiiiily fast when she recognized me. I should visit the lameastic FB page that some of the quiffs living here set up and let them know about their neighbor.

      • Do it. I hope like hell that everyone starts comparing notes as to her sob stories and starts asking to see the damage to her apartment. $15? Either she’s got one hell of a heroin habit, or Mommy finally cut her off.

        • Update on the story:

          Scumbi and Pokey, the whiny fucking couple who operate the FB page, deleted my warning about this panhandling bitch not more than four minutes after I posted it earlier this morning. They’re probably still pissed at me for telling the owner of the building that they, and other urban Mr. and Ms. Greenskinnychickjeans funfarmers, tore out trees and shrubs out of the planters on the second floor terrace so they could plant sunflowers, arugala and other bullshit. Chlorine is considered a fertilizer, right?

      • Shouldn’t have been so hard on the poor kid. All she wanted was a cup of coffee and a Mast Bros chocolate bar!

      • Cool story, bro.

    • they want bailouts just like the banks get, the auto manufacturers get, and the pro football teams get ( rebuilding or funding the building of football stadiums )…so they’re just modeling such requests on what we’ve all seen and know to be mistakes….i agree that insurance should have been bought….then the banks need to buy fail insurance and Big 3 need to buy fail insurance and etc etc so it doesn’t fall on taxpayers backs…i don’t mind my taxes going towards welfare but i DO mind it going towards funding private enterprises that fuck THEMSELVES into the dirt by hiring incompetent investors and CEO’s…

  16. Sorry for the rant, I’m also irked that with all the pets displaced by the storm, and shelters in dire need, THIS idiot gets press. I’m sure those that help homeless animals, strays, or families that cannot keep their beloved pets due to homelessness, are in need of publicity and the funds that it can bring. But no, some hipsters from across the country gets press due to her irresponsible actions. Great.

    (You know, I’m not against people having a chicken or two for food or fun, even in a city. I *am* against idiot hipsters doing it, as they always do things half assed, and expect others to pick up the pieces. I also just don’t get why they choose Brooklyn? There are plenty of other places where you can have all the things they want- a nice kitchen, room for chickens, and ability to bike to work. I live in Eugene now, and you can do all of that here, without causing any problems. I guess that’s the draw- having chickens in a small town, where its common, is just too common for them.)

    • Please refrain from mentioning other neighboorhoods to these useless pukes, lest they ‘discover” them!

      • There have been a handful of their type here in Eugene for a few years already, but I have no real fear of them multiplying. A slightly different tribe of freaks wouldn’t stand out enough in this open-air asylum. We’re so used to having so many of our own assorted *local* weirdos that hipsters don’t get the amount of attention they need to survive.

        • I’m afraid the dreadful Californians, mostly late 30′s, are moving into Eugene fairly steadily. For a long time Oregon has despised outsiders to the point it actually managed to keep many outsiders ‘out’. The Seattle youth explosion though, well…

          • A lot of my old Army buddies were/are engineers. Maybe I should call them up and see about building the Great Wall of Whiteaker, so they can be undisturbed among their fellow nuisances.

        • Incidentally, that’s why so many Portland hipsters move to Brooklyn and vice versa. If they don’t get the attention they crave, they stomp their widdle feet and tell everyone “Well, I’m going someplace where they’ll appreciate me!” Then, when they don’t get the attention in the new venue, they’ll whine “I’m going back! They recognized genius there!” Wash, rinse, repeat until Mom’s money runs out.

          • I used to enjoy Portland because at one point the weirdness was diverse and interesting. I could expect to see something new and unique from time to time. Hipsters don’t realize that uniformity, even if it’s uniformity that doesn’t conform to the majority culture’s ideals, is still boring. Or maybe that’s part of their shtick. Who knows (or cares)? I’m wasting far too much time trying to figure these jackasses out.

        • Ooh, there are other Eugene area hipsters haters? Great! I want to take you all to dinner, then crack a bubbly (Meghans head) to toast it.

          This town just doesn’t provide them endless hours of attention, as TOTD has rightly mentioned (open air asylums? LOL). they aren’t weird enough, or green enough, or unique enough to matter. DH says he sees lots of them, but the infestation is small compared to other cities.

  17. “Amazing, hilarious things will happen.”

    Well, yeah, you can be upbeat when you know that you can always return with your roost to Washington state. I know people from Gerritsen Beach who just want to know “What happened?” and “What the fuck is going to happen?” as in to them, their kids, and their neighbors.

    I hope Hanna and her ironic boyfriend find a nice place next to a KFC.

  18. ” Developing and implementing craft cocktail programs ” , Quote from her sweets and bitters website .. Please tell me she’s joking !

    • That would be “artisanal, locally-sourced, cruelty-free” craft cocktail programs.

      • She sure as hell wasn’t “cruelty free” when she left those chickens to drown! More like artisanally cruelty-filled. I hope those chickens poke her eyeballs out.

  19. I hope her left-to-die chickens are Hitchcock fans and go all “Birds” on her ass when she comes home one day from baking cruelty-free cupcakes or mixing free-range cosmopolitans.

  20. I’ll he’p those po’ chickens find a good home.

  21. I have 3 friends who are now homeless due to the storm, and I even offered to open my doors to them. However I would never open my doors to these fools because they have a place to go and can apparently afford to put money down on another apartment. Right now we’re busy having a fundraiser for friends who are displaced and don’t currently have the money to find another place.

    The NYT would have done itself more of a service to cover someone who has children. I don’t feel too badly for someone who was likely collecting food stamps and living in Red Hook and probably had spent time kayaking doen the nasty Gowanus Canal. Like others said, she left those chickens to die pretty much, if she cared so much about them she would have taken them with her, like so many others did. But I guess since they were more for “fun” and the attention factor, she couldn’t have cared less.

    As an animal lover, I’m more disgusted than anything else. I also stopped bothering paying any attention to the media a long tima ago because of the poor writing out there (every twit nosed hipster is a writer or journalist these days) and the blatant bias they so clearly possess.

  22. Between this and the NYT story about the rich, trendy Manhattan-ites who must endure the horror of houseguests in the wake of the storm …

    Holy shit. I wish I could literally hate these people to death.

  23. I don’t think the hipster and their lavish lifestyle will actually be hampered by an austerity rammed down our collective throats.

  24. I can’t even tell you how much more respect I have for Gawker than the NYT

  25. She grew up on a farm, so I can see her being familiar and comfortable with chickens, but it burns me up she locked them up in their coop at sea level and left them. For pets she supposedly cares so much about, that is a shitty way to treat them.

  26. I hate her . With Passion. I read the article in its entirety…
    Asian (boy)friend , check
    iPhone , check
    Zany quirky artsy attitude, check
    Names her cage free organic items with stupid names , check
    (As i read the hen names i vomitted )
    Rooftop half assed farmer , check
    Sells cupcakes on a zany bicycle with cute carriage (Ugh…. ) , check
    Granny dress, check
    WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED TO JUDGE HER?
    Stop saying she deserves a second chance.

  27. They hope to find an apartment nearby, so Mr. Kumagai, 39, an artist and a graphic designer, can bike to his studio. And it must have a functional kitchen so Ms. Kirshner, who recently started a recipe publication, Sweets and Bitters Quarterly, can test recipes.

    JESUS FCKING CHRIST I CANT BELIEVE IM READING THIS

    • Because, in a city where portions of the area STILL DON’T HAVE POWER, she HAS to let the world know about her latest cocktail recipe.

  28. t-shirt:
    “I HATE YOU TO DEATH”
    (image of urkel glasses, scarf, and knitty cap underneath)

    or

    “HIPSTER? WHY YES, I DO FUCKING HATE YOU!!”

    I would happily wear either in their environment, just to relish their whining and sissy attempts at comebacks.

  29. If hate were action, Brooklyn would be cleaned up by now. I understand hipsters are responsible for rainy days, disappearing socks and the Mets. If only we could get rid of the hipsters, Brooklyn would be a paradise instead of a Democrat loser-borough.

  30. ““It smells like pot,” Mr. Kumagai said upon entering that apartment. The agent agreed.”

    Oh no… that pesky pot smell. Oh the humanity…

    • hmmm probably Mr. Kumagai didn’t pinch the roach off properly before going in, and like, huhuh, totally forgot about it. Started a pocket fire in his own jacket. Snork.

  31. Ah, but did anybody read the end of that article about the water quality assessment of the Gowanus Canal? Not that it’ll stop the kayaking or the houseboats, but at least now we have an explanation for some hipster behavior. Absorbing that much lead has to have an effect after a while.

    • You can’t blame their behavior because they have inner tube races in the Gowanus, Leroy. These mutants were fucked up before they decided to set up base camp in Brooklynland Amusement Park. I’m sure you’re familiar with the saturation point of substances. They absorbed so many toxins, living in tract housing communities built on top of chemical waste dumps, that it’s impossible for them to absorb any of the heavy metals and PCBs our wonderful “Venice in Brooklyn” offers. Too bad. I had an idea about herding the Necktardo Montalbans and donating them to the military for use as lume sticks in Afghanistan.

      • I’ve been on the East River my entire live and never, not once have I ever thought to dip in. It was a place for dead bodies, not for swimming or tubing [which is not a city thing to begin with].

        • “which is not a city thing to begin with”

          That’s why these meatless puppets engage in such “Great Mall of America”-watching the asphalt crack-cowpie hurling-Andy Hardy “Hey, like, let’s put on an exhibition in the old Radiac facility” bullshit. They’re not from the city, either.

  32. Just wanna say that the title of this post is just fucking great!

  33. tl;dr i bet u like balls u pompus hore cunt slut fuck bech hoar suck cocc tittee fagggut

  34. vehement artieneedy strikes again

    maybe just change your name to ‘kilroy’ and get it over with?

  35. I was really hoping if nothing else, Hurricane Sandy would serve as a wake up call to the Williamsburg hipster trash, or at least get some of them to move back home. Instead, it has only made them more obnoxious… how can these tools look themselves in the mirror each morning?

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