Hurricane Hipster Beating.

Today, I saw Brody Beardington and Yokosakimoto Smith (his CEO Dad banged a Japanese chick on a business trip) playing in the hurricane floods like attention-starved children knowing they can be transported back to their suburban cul-de-sacs in 24 hours if things got too bad in Nieuw Breukelen. So I put on my scuba gear, swam near them and yelled “MARCO!”; when they yelled back “POLO!” I burst out of the water with my polo mallet and beat them into paraplegics so they can now roll down Bedford Ave in their fixed gear wheelchairs. End of story.

55 thoughts on “Hurricane Hipster Beating.

  1. I hope all the real, normal New Yorkers are good and that the recovery moves swiftly. Long Island is a mess too.

    I hope the VanBeardsdales in the photo are talking about relocating their little network to some other kewl zip codes that don’t intrude so rudely on their artistic endeavors. I recommend Little Rock: it’s cheap, landlocked, and familiar to most of their kind.

  2. Is there anyway I can view this page in cruelty-free HTML?

  3. Dear Brooklyn:

    We are so sorry for what you’re dealing with right now. It’s going to be a long haul, and we will send volunteers and raise money.

    Anyway, thank you for the hipsters you lent to us to help with “the rebuilding.”

    They didn’t do much of it, but I think you need them more than we do now. Please take them back.

  4. At first glance I thought they were wearing scuba suits but no, they are swimming in a toxic soup dressed in cloth coveralls! And the snorkel means he’s putting his head under water letting raw sewage into his ears! Is there ANY common sense in their world?

    • Please don’t suggest that they stop. This is a DH dream come true.

    • “And the snorkel means he’s putting his head under water letting raw sewage into his ears! Is there ANY common sense in their world?”

      none at all.

    • And what’s the problem with water laced with raw sewage getting in his ears? Considering he spends the rest of his life with his head jammed up his own ass, you’d think he’d enjoy the diluted situation.

  5. “caleb, do you have power? i need you to update my blog asap, i’m like standing in it dude…i know…like yah!” yoko looks like he’s already about to pass some c diff-laden gas.

  6. Even the wrath of Mother Nature cannot scare off the neediest of attention whores.

  7. The beardo on the left is easily pushing 40 plus.

  8. These idiots dont even realize how dirty and diseased that water is.

    • Thats what I was thinking, I dont even like stepping in puddles because they smell like ass (which I’m guessing is a fine blend of hobo/dog piss and garbage run-off).

  9. Slob on the left probably thinks his John Brown beard elevates his importance.

  10. I saw that picture on CNN and thought of this site.

    • Probably the best comment on that article was from the pigfucker who was crying over how the news was too busy worrying about the Jersey Shore than about the absolute destruction of the galleries. ‘cuz, after all, NOTHING is more important than some self-important asshole’s sharing of how ART ART ART is our collective heritage, and how it’s an absolute atrocity that CNN and the Big Three networks don’t start a telethon to deal with this cultural defenestration instead of worrying about, you know, people dying and stuff.

    • Did anyone expect anything less ?

    • Cool…Maybe we can outsource the Mast Bros. and that beard oil company…And all their chocolate and beard oil will come back with lead and melamine.

  11. The silver lining to this picture is that there’s probably all kinds of piss, shit and toxic chemicals in that water that those Messrs. Beardington and Smith will get all over themselves.

  12. Another silver lining was Bloomie’s ASL interpreter, Lydia Callis. Especially because at the press conferences the Mayor sounded like he was on prozac and ambien the whole time.

  13. Meanwhile in Union Square:

  14. The beardo on the left looks scared/worried that his stupid ass “Art” was destroyed but can’t swim so his asian friend is helping him.

  15. Caleb and Sally Wong obviously never took a microbiology class. They were too busy with their creative writing, Sanskrit and Minority Women’s Studies degrees while attending Denison University (or Antioch College).

    Fuck both of them . I hope they get typhus.

    • I’d be happy with cholera. Or tetanus, the first time they step on rusty metal while in flipflops.

  16. Hope everyone made it through ok. Lots of good people in Gerritsen Beach, the Rockaways, Breezy Point, Staten Island, Long Beach, and Coney Island are suffering along with plenty of others. Real New Yorkers ain’t got no glass jaw, and will fight through the tough times ahead and be just fine. This would be a good time for the staycationing Calebs to take a hard look at themselves and realize they don’t belong here. It’s really time for you to go now; playtime is over.

    Hope Transplant Ally made it through in good shape – guys like him are legit, and make this city better when they move here.

    • I have the same sentiments. I can only hope that Transplanted Ally is just so busy trying to help real folks that he doesn’t have time for an update. I wouldn’t expect anything else from him, and I figure that he and his buddies won’t stop until they’ve checked the whole of the city to make sure that nobody else needs assistance. And THEN he’ll tell us about the mewling pukes calling 911 because their Web access went out.

  17. The only bigger JACKASS in NYC than any Caleb or Molly is Mayor Bloomberg, who refuses deployment of national guard troops because they carry guns.

    WHO FUCKING VOTED FOR THIS CLOWN, ANYWAY? WHAT AN EMASCULATED PUSSY SAD-ASSED EXCUSE FOR A “MAN”!

  18. While New Yorkers and Jerseyites shiver in the cold your leftist union overlords have deemed the non-union utility workers from Southern states to be ‘scabs’ and have told them not to work in areas of NYC and NJ.

    Never let a crisis go to waste.

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