Today, I saw a Converse-clad pool cue with a Pringle Man moustache named Xander who was selling hand-painted artisanal pumpkins on the train as hundreds of hipster hating real Brooklynites were going to real jobs. So I snatched his murse, took out one of his Daddy’s credit cards and sliced his fucking head off with it. End of story.
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Perfect start for the week! Thanks, DH.
Then I carved his head into a Zack O’Lantern and illuminated it with a hancrafted candle made from locally produced, organic French bulldog earwax.
Lol @ Zack o lantern
If I run over one with my car does that make him a “Car Zack”?
Zack O’Lantern is awesome! I guess candy corn in Niew Breukelein should be called caleb corn
I like this idea of hipster jack o lanterns. The fun part is all the things you can do with a pumpkin after Halloween’s over. A 12g comes to mind.
Why not also get into pinanta’s, – hipster versions? Pin the tail on the hipster? Bobbing for hipsters?
Using a hipster as a pinata = good
Bobbing for hipsters = bad (you wouldn’t want to touch one let alone put your mouth on one)
Would using grappling hooks be O.K.?
Dynamite. They float to the surface after the blast.
Nahhh. Harpoons. Goes with the beards.
In keeping with the Halloween theme, here’s hipster candy from a place called Papa Bubble on Broome St. 15 dollar lollipops and 25 bucks for 60 grams (gotta love the metric weight like they’re selling blow). Not the Brooklyn candy.
http://www.papabubbleny.com/candies.php
And the yelp reviews:
http://www.yelp.com/biz/papabubble-new-york
I checked out that candy website and it really looks disgusting. Also a poor job of graphics etc.-in keeping with hipster syle”art” always a totally half assed job.
No problem concealing a straight pin in one of those overpriced pieces of shit.
They already did. In a random piece. Yelp?
I’ve never had a real good grasp of the true meaning of irony (an english teacher friend says it’s saying something when you mean the opposite), so maybe someone can help me out here. Is a candy toothbrush real irony, or hipster irony?
Your teacher friend is correct. Irony also is an adjective used to describe the taste in Montgomery’s mouth after DH flosses his teeth with a piece of rebar.
Bender does a decent job describing irony:
http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=a2krXq8fw90&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Da2krXq8fw90
His mouth would be filled with iron-y… and a quart of his own, anemic blood.
I remember those fruit candies from childhood. My grandparents gave us those all the time and we hated the way they tasted.
We always got pillow candy at Christmas, my grandparents got them for us, too. I had a big sweet tooth and would eat just about anything with sugar in it, but not pillow candy. It’s disgusting, even for me–and I was a kid who would’ve eaten candy all day long if I had been allowed. Pillow candy should be wiped off the face of the planet. I don’t care how artisanal and ye olde fashioned these artistic candymakers say it is, there is no way to make that sh*t taste good!
Check out Evan’s review…note the use of ‘artisanal’ :
“Neat-o bambito. I am not a sweets person, but this place…this place could just make me into one.”
– Translation: I’ll keep coming here if all my hipster friends do too.
“Artisinal (meaning made by hand and in small batches) candy-making takes place in this minimalist Little Italy shop with its sleek, lowercase-lettered storefront. A recent Saturday visit turned up lollipop making (so cool!), and a very small tongs to grab some of the samples they have available for tasting (chili mango and soda were two of my favorites).”
– This was the highlight of my urban exploring sesh that weekend…LIKE YAH!
“Assorted candies come in small and large packages, and this is not your average candy store, so the prices are a bit more than you might expect, but for that special occasion or special someone, I say the prices are worth it. ”
– I (well, my parents) may be paying $20 for a lollipop, but it’s ‘artisanal’ so doing this makes me better than you.
“They also do super-fun, edible and wearable candy rings, which purportedly are also sold at Bergdorf Goodman.”
– My Meghan will be impressed with this $55 ring pop, and it’s not like I’m paying for it anyways…thanks Dad!
“PS – This hard candy is WAY better than Madonna’s album of the same title.”
– I experminented with men in high school.
I don’t know what I would do without Die Hipster. I live in the Bywater, New Orleans and have been here since way before they invaded us. The Pringle mustaches are everywhere-and they even tried to turn an abandoned property into an adult ball pit! We really need help down here!
I always stayed in Bywater when in New Orleans. I heard the Mazant Guest House closed.
Any recommendations ?
Jennifer,
Houston has an incredibly small hipster population if the crescent city gets completely overrun with kazoolaphones and mustache wax.
I wouldn’t go past Houston though, Austin is infested
As if you don’t have enough problems with the climate and your police force.
Argh don’t let them take over New Orleans! Start smashing heads with a French horn. Also, send us some beignets and Abita.
And don’t forget the hot boudin!
They’ve invaded Jefferson Parish too… the Whole Foods on Vets has become infested (I thought I was safe by staying away from Magazine Street, but alas…) and last weekend I found myself stuck in line behind some freak wearing mismatched Converse low-tops at the movie theater in Elmwood.
Ball pit. After the initial first jump in you make your way to the exit and you probably never do it ever again. Thats what I’d expect from a healthy adult.
Hipsters: the fun never ends unless Mommy and Daddy’s money runs out.
Chicken wars !!!
http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/brooklyn/peck-park-slope-hens-stay-garden-volunteers-article-1.1188951
Fried chicken, anyone?
http://www.nydailynews.com/neighbors-upset-additional-chickens-urban-coop-article-1.1188111
At the bottom is a pic of the 25 year old localurbansustainable dipshit raising these chickens in the middle of a city.
So…can we presume that this year’s top Halloween costume is “Dexter”? Or is he getting ready to demonstrate ART ART ART by turning that chicken into a sock puppet? “First, your hand goes in here, and make sure you put on lots of sriracha sauce before you slide it in. Otherwise, it won’t crow for you when you tickle its spleen…”
You know you’ve gone WAYYY overboard, hipster-wise when other hipsters start hating on you.
When I lived in the Poconos my hippy/hipster landlord (who lived next door) decided that chickens are whimsical and she should put a chicken coop between our properties. They do smell, they are noisy and they do attract rodents. On top of that they are almost as stupid as people who think chickens are whimsical, and when a hawk started trying to make quick work of the chickens she actually accused me of running over one of her birds (yes, the fact I don’t eat organic, I shave my legs and I’m not a total bitch about everything means I’m a monster who’d kill her pet while backing out of the driveway and keep going). I moved back to NY to escape the chickens, and now they are just following me.
Urban chickens are stupid on many levels but who can be against a creature that poops out free food…..on a farm? Key word being on a farm. : )
Someone who knows Photoshop should superimpose a large KFC bucket over the shitty bird.
I would douse them with Frank’s Red Hot if this was in my neighborhood. Raising chickens is a filthy practice and certainly not one that an urban resident should have to put up with. His neighbors should take up crossbow shooting, an equally ironic hobby for urban life.
And the cluck-fuckery never ends! The article states that the coop is elevated. Look at the picture. It’s on the ground! Also chickens walk in their own shit and Foghorn Leggings is holding his status symbol by it’s excrement covered foot, barehanded! Happy Histoplasmosis Hiptard!
LOL hard @ “Foghorn Leggings”, Riff!!
It is way, way cheaper to buy eggs from people who know something about chicken farming than it is to go to all of the freaking crazy expense and learning curves of raising them yourself. Jackasses, the whole lot of ‘em. If they spent even a tenth of the time studying medicine in their free time as they do whimiscial bullshit they’d be a helluva lot more valuable to their communities than being ‘urban farmers’ ( an ultra oxymoron if I ever heard one ).
This.
“Entrepreneur” and “urban pioneer” MY ASS. They’re Peter Pansters who don’t want to grow up, plain and simple.
The solution for urban chickens? Urban foxes! Not only will they kill chickens, they will kill every bird in the coop and only drag away one. I can imagine the city poultry fetishists holding chicken funerals for their poor misunderstood pet/status symbols and the fox relegated from endangered urban wildlife to vicious, murdering vermin.
Don’t worry – the non-existent rats and sustainable feral cats will get them soon enough.
You mean they haven’t elevated the worth of imaginary rats to that of human life yet?
I’m shocked by their sloth.
Personally, I prefer sloths. They don’t play kickball and throw up in the elevator of my building.
Even better- urban raccoons. They will put their little, humanlike hands in through the wire, and kill the chicken, and then eat it by pulling it out in bits and pieces. SUPER vicious and gross. few of these “urban” chicken keepers know about this. It is grisly.
Urban raccoons are nature’s comedians. Some of them have developed this neat trick where they can, as if by magic, make a funny looking foam hipster beard appear around their mouths. I’d like to see one of these little guys in each and every neckbeard apartment. They deserve a good home.
http://thebrooklynink.com/2012/10/08/48313-brooklyns-bees-behaving-badly/
again with the f*&!@king bees!
” He keeps hives all over New York—50 in all.” Holy shit! The guy’s a public menace!
Of course keeping chickens doesn’t attract rodents – why would throwing feed all over the ground outside lead to rodents coming to eat? No, couldn’t be!
Urban chicken farming and urban beekeeping – LIKE YAH, LIKE YAH
Our friends in Australia have a self-correcting system to keep down the urban chicken enthusiast population. Chicken feed attracts rodents. Rodents attract brown snakes, which are in the top ten list of the deadliest snakes on the planet. Corner or step on a brown snake, and you have maybe ten minutes before the venom stops your entire nervous system. Even better, anyone other than Steve Irwin stupid enough to try to make friends with one will likely be bitten on the face. I’m not a fan of introducing new invasive species to get rid of previously introduced invasive species, but it’s starting to sound awfully tempting.
Hipsters are an invasive species. Fight fire with fire, as the cliche goes.
Goodness, it’s like you New Yorkers are freaking helpless. The moment someone started “urban chicken farming” in my town the process to amend the city code was started and sure enough, the hipsters had their little farms shut down pronto. If you don’t regulate the hipsters out of business, they will tell other hipsters that your town is “hipster friendly” and it will become overrun.
“…they will tell other hipsters that your town is “hipster friendly” and it will become overrun.” Duh…
At least the venomous snakes don’t ride the subway in ironic fedoras and Chuck Taylor’s, honking nasally about all the “rilly, rilly kewl!” cultural artifacts that they “invented”, like photography, farming and music.
They keep to themselves… time to circumvent customs!!
Rats just love chicken shit! An urban pot farmer here composted chicken shit from his uncle’s farm in his back yard and they moved in to be close to this delicacy! This schmuck was actually thinking of switching to human waste! “It’ll be fine if you compost it long enough!”
There’s a reason real farmers BUY chicken shit from chicken farmers. It’s not because it’s hip LOL
I don’t understand the chicken thing though since they’re all vegans aren’t they? I thought vegans didn’t eat eggs. Or anything else that tastes good.
Nah, they’re not vegans. That only happens when their monthly parental subsidy is late and they’re forced to break out the emergency ramen and Fruit Loops. They are firm believers in the “bacon is like, yah, meat candy” theory.
On top of their nasty shitty cupcake obsession…
Funny bit about Portland hipsters:
http://bronanthebarbarian.com/2012/10/22/sign-up-for-class-at-the-peoples-republic-of-portland-university/
Excellent work there.
I’m surprised the card wasn’t declined.
That candy shop was selling in grams probably so that they could look European, and thus more cultured than they actually are.
Problem is when one of those creatures makes it across the pond and they realise that things aren’t the way ***they*** think it should be.
I had the same problem whenever I traveled to those places: they try to show off by having a different word for everything.
Yeah, you wake ‘em up in the middle of the night and they speak English like everyone else!
Why can’t they do like on the old Mission:Impossible TV show and speak English with a foreign sounding accent? Oh, scratch that. They do.
Oh, like during a raid?
I was talking about overseas, not during an ICEcapade extravaganza in Arizona.
Hence the long used term for Joe and Jane Kansas tourists abroad: “Ugly American”.
I’d love to read a hipster beating including their latest rage: Those fucking tower platform shoes ravers wore in the 90′s.
http://www.thisisjanewayne.com/news/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Moonspoon-Saloon-X-Buffalo-800×561.jpg
http://www.thisisjanewayne.com/news/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/6a00e5508e95a98833014e8b3cb1db970d-700wi-533×800.jpg
Now even more ugly than back in the days…
I see Stevie has a new look (sorry Stevie but the lack of breasts are a dead giveaway).
Looks like he’s been hittin’ the gym…
http://sanfrancisco.grubstreet.com/2012/10/coi-magnus-nilsson-faviken-dinner-patterson-slideshow.html#photo=1
This is the sh*t that sends me over the edge. Look at pic 4 (or is it 5?). A week’s wages for pine tree branches on a plate.
Oh and here’s another ironicretro 80′s piece of shite on a plate:
http://chicago.grubstreet.com/2012/10/slideshow_el-ideas-80s-week.html#photo=9×00010
I didn’t get past the first pic – looks like poop. Jeez…
OK, is that the customer’s leftovers, just before a trip to the dishwasher or is that the actual food?
(Hint: no need to answer that question).
Oysters with pine tree needles, blecch. And they’re serving turnips under composting leaves, too–salmonella, e-coli, hepatitis and tetanus on a plate. I couldn’t go any further, had to stop there.
That little food for that much money. I swear, affluent people are gerbils on treadmills!
Paging Euell Gibbons!
The proto-hipster, “Stalking the Wild Asparagus”.
AWWWWWWWWW#GGGGGGH!!! ONLY IN BROOKLYN!
http://brooklynpaper.com/stories/35/43/all_atomicsurvivors_2012_10_26_bk.html
There’s another one…
https://gawker.com/5954114/nyc+based-soup-chain-offers-free-cup-of-soup-personal-service-from-a-cunt-named-mary
hi faggots,
I grew up on LI, lived for a total of 3 years in NYC and moved away for many years.
WHY DO YOU DUMBFUCKS LIVE IN THIS PLACE?
it is a DIRTY SHITHOLE. There are NO ADVANTAGES. The people completely suck and they are here because they saw some stupid movie about how cool it is to live in NYC. These are the stupid shits you talk about on this site. Jokes on you, fuckers! NYC FUCKING SUCKS.
Hi Stevie! We missed you.
oh ya, ‘Stevie’ is the only person in the whole fucking world who came to the conclusion that NYC IS A MASSIVE SCAM. Stay stupid friends.
What a fucking skell. The least Ned could’ve done was to ixnay the caps and overdone cursing. Also, anybody growing up on the Island (Brooklyn, Queens and all points east) would refer to the “City”, not “NYC”. That’s what an out-of-town flyover scumbag would call it. He couldn’t even get that right. How inauthentic. Even the new moniker sucks. Like a real, live self-hating neckbeard.
The caps and non-contextual cursing for no apparent reason are part of his particular style of posting for all of his less than stupid alter-egos.
haha, this is hilarious. I stopped calling it ‘The City’ when I actually left and found out THERE ARE OTHER PLACES ASIDE FROM NEW YORK CITY. So I specific NEW YORK City, rather than just ‘The City’- because there are other cities. Did you know that? it’s true. You can even validate this fairly easy with a relatively cheap plane ticket. Of course wherever you go you will claim the place is filled with crazy people- and to you they probably seem that way because NY viewpoints only make sense in a few miles radius- and even that’s negligible. The women here are impossibly stuck up, annoying, and USED. This place is a whorehouse.
did you morons know that you can actually get a round trip plane ticket from Phoenix to NYC for about $150. It’s not much more than a ride on the LIRR these days. Wake the fuck up idiots.
Phoenix sucks fucking donkey dick so of course you would want to go there.
Beginning a comment with a lower case haha just like um, er,…….Burbs help me out here, who am I thinking of?
I have literally had a non-stop headache ever since I got here. Do any of you notice that the air here is equivalent to sucking on an exhaust pipe? There IS CONSTANT TRAFFIC EVERY PLACE YOU GO. This place is not fit for human habitation. It’s not: sexy. It’s not: cool. It’s not: filled with opportunities. It is: unhealthy. It is: annoying. It is: overpriced.
I like the little parks here and there which consist of a pathetic half-dead bunch of plants stuck in some pavement. YAY, NATURE!!!!!
NYC parks… now featuring,
crying babies sticking dirty things in their mouths
friendly neighborhood Muslim terrorist
girls with genital warts- “oh and what do you do for a living???”
DOGSHIT.
congrats NYers, you are living in the BEST OF ALL POSSIBLE WORLDS.
dumbfucks.
You’re a useless loser, Ned/Stevie. End of story.
no fucking clue who Ned or Stevie is but they sound smart.
fact is idiots, YOU ARE THE LOSERS WHO BOUGHT INTO THIS STUPID PLACE. Now they’re flooding it with a whole new species of retard, and now you’re complaining?
you should have moved out years ago.
the rich people just want to stick all their worker drones into little spaces so they dont shit on all the nice areas. that’s you, the worker drone- the ones dumb enough to believe all this dumb hype that this place is actually DESIREABLE, when really it is a system devised many years ago by very rich people to create a permanent working class. That’s you. You’re not a winner. You’re a dupe. The Rockefellers, Carnegies, Mellons, etc. created all the things you think are ‘cool’.
You people are dumb.
I like living in the City and don’t drive. I find the suburbs beyond dull.
Elvis might want to rethink his theory. Plenty of rich powerful people live in the city.
yes, the rich powerful people are the ones who run this place you fucking moron. They create all these stupid diversions and illusions to get you to think it’s something other than a work camp. I don’t need a car where I live, it’s clean, affordable and generally nice.
hi friends!
make sure you are gay, enjoy aborting your children, working like crazy and when you feel bad, take drugs and go to see music!
feel a longing for a time when life was not complete shit? go take a visit to the beach or the local park and see some dogshit!
people were not meant to live like this, it’s totally unnatural.
Go have a nice meal at Outback and calm down you nut.
is that all you fucking do here? ‘go out to eat’… the only attraction in this stupid place is stuffing your face with overpriced, fatty, nasty food. then when youre done wash it down with a $10 beer! yay, this is NEW YORK BITCH! we’re having fun now!
oh shit, Im tired of ‘going out’ with my cool artistic friends! I need a NATURE FIX. Go to the park and gonna get some fucking nature.
Dude go holla at a fat girl. Maybe takebher out to a nice meal at Applebees.
id rather have a nice chubby girl then one of these damaged whores who live in NYC. What’s wrong with a little fat? A lot wrong with an HPV infection, psychology problems up the wazoo, 85 ex boyfriends, entitlement complex, abort your child, etc.
Are you defending us from trolls now, Needy?
How can we abort our children if we’re gay?
Im sure New Yorkers will find a way. Theyre smart like that.
Needy, you’re back! Over the butthurt yet?
So amusing to watch him/her/it have an argument. Truly psychotic.
Well fat girls need love to. Enjoy the burbs. You’re where you belong.
I’ve got no issues in confining people like you to the NYC, it’s when you try and ‘experience’ other cultures and start telling them what to do. You should stop doing that, NYC is an insane asylum, we don’t need the same rules in other places.
DH’s idas are 1/2 baked. Yours are not even 1/4 baked.
dude, yours are deep fried and barely even resemble rational thought anymore.
Having a hard time remembering which posting style goes with the right alias, pally?
Northside Ned says:
Dude go holla at a fat girl.
Elvis Preslestein says:
dude, yours are deep fried and barely even resemble rational thought anymore.
Gotta keep track of little things like that; otherwise, you get snagged. Like now, dude.
Not me.
Yes,you. Sincerely, Kaiser Soze.
personally I find most NYC girls to be too skinny. Most would refer to my preferred physique as ‘chubby’. I like big tits and big ass. You can keep the skinny boy-like heroin addict nutbobs. I’ll take the hot girls with the curves.
http://www.rightwingnews.com/graphics/notpalin.jpg
Just wait until the Whole Foods opens in Gowanus…..whats wrong with King Kullen??
http://thecaptainpower.blogspot.com/2012/10/nothing-is-more-important-than-your-hot.html
Nothing, if you happen to live out on The Island. You ain’t gonna see a hiptard pedaling his fixie to Valley Stream and back to Billburg for a tub of hummus spread.
In the few days since discovering this site I have noticed a few of you mention Bywater, the “totally chill nabe” in New Orleans.
At the risk of detracting from this site’s purpose as a “get this garbage out of Brooklyn” page, I’d like to share an observation.
First, it was 2007, i was 22, and barely out of college. I had an opportunity to make a few grand working on getting a political campaign started in Plaquemines parish outside of the city. I knew this chick that lived in bywater and arranged to stay with her and her roommates for the duration of my one month stay.
Well it turned out these people, and my friend were abject, FLAMING hipsters. Converse, hairy pitts, dreadlocks, drugs, the whole nine.
Sorry for being verbose. Long story short these chicks knew who i worked for. And there was a constant barrage of passive aggressive hipster/pseudo-communist (they “worked” for acorn) bullshit thrown my way when we were all sitting on the stoop of their rented shotgun swilling pbr. I was an oppressor, a tool, a blah blah conservative something.
Interestingly though, EACH ONE of these three harpies individually propositioned me for sex. Except my friend, who’s a major league lesbo.
So, on my last day, I nailed the mother loving hell out of the cute one who shaved her legs, and merrily made my way back to Philadelphia the next morning.
Interesting how these broads deep down prefer an Italian football player over an effete hipster oboist. Go figure.
“Interesting how these broads deep down prefer an Italian football player over an effete hipster oboist. Go figure.”
wow you just figured this out?
and they aren’t Hipsters, theyre Trustafarians from the sound of it.
This was 2007, and i hadnt been exposed to this level of subversiveness. Before i got engaged i tried it out a few more times. Sustained eye contact seems to be the key.
They prefer blowing “Cavalry Charge” on a beef bugle rather than fingering “Yankee Doodle Dandy” on a skin flute.
you know why these fags can’t leave NYC? they’re scared of guns. when they see them they scream like little girls and shit their pants.
Who is not scared of guns? Phoney.
But you’re real, Needy? Sincerely, Kaiser Soze.
GOT A PASTRAMI SANDWICH AT KATZ’S TODAY: 22 BUCKS MOTHERFUCKERS!
you can have NYC all to your fucking selves!
And noe the infants prepare for yet another dress up holiday, Halloween. Why should that day be any different? We this year we have an original idea: “curated cocktails,” by Ugly Rhino resident-mixologist Anna Perczak UGH, wonder how much they are
http://www.brooklynpaper.com/stories/35/41/24_halloweenforadults_2012_10_12_bk.html
In keeping with the Halloween spirit, razor blades should be placed in the drinks.
Here’s the answer: “…a late-night absinthe den.” Complete with wormwood. If they can’t afford absinthe, hipsters will settle for Sterno, I’m sure.