Today, I saw Harrison waving his turkey baster arm to hail a cab to go from an East Village art gallery to a Bushwick rooftop performance art turnip farm. So I carjacked a taxi; picked Harrison up; strangled him with the seatbelt and sent the car into the Newtown Creek which was later discovered by the Greenpoint bearded snorkelers club. End of story.
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As stated by Bklyn born and raised girl yesterday – “and the second i see something in a store with the label “brooklyn”, 9 out of 10 times it is hipster produced, not authentic…buying something with the “Brooklyn” label produced by a hipster is the same as going to chinatown and buying a fake gucci bag. FAKE”
https://www.oldebrooklynlantern.com/?uid=E30A98E7133B82CC1D516C72C159E25C
LMFAO, the name Brooklyn is being reduced to nothing but a marketing tool.
Just the thing to carry with you on those foggy nights, walkind down Bedford Ave. to your Daughters of the revolution meeting.
Or, while sitting around with your nine roommates telling ghost bike stories after you ignored the final cutoff notice from Con Ed.
I can just expect some Josh to hop on his fixie with his Brooklyn lantern and ride down the streets of Upper East StyShwickBurg while honking “THE GUIDOS ARE COMING!!! THE GUIDOS ARE COMING!!”
Shit, a pilot bike with navigation lights mounted on port and starboard to assist the Mast Bros. cacao bean scow when it docks at Grand Street Pier.
One if by land (http://storyboard.tumblr.com/post/33156469853/beardwatching-in-brooklyn-grandpa#beardwatching-in-brooklyn) or two if by sea (http://vimeo.com/13664547).
You can’t make this shit up:
http://homsher.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/wpid-2012-04-08_21-11-56_498.jpg
Probably uses whale oil for authenticity.
Aiming point for a semi…
“ONE IF BY WORK TRUCK, TWO IF BY SUBWAY!
Say, you might have something there. Instead of spending all that money for those solar powered hazard lights contractors set up during road work, use an auger to screw pipe cleaner-framed BFA recipients into the ground at 25 foot intervals and attach olive oil (because it’s organic and sustainable) fueled lanterns around their necks. Literature degrees for any language qualifies one to be pressed into service as a track signal on the LIRR and Metro North. Track signal duty requires three lanterns; although, that could pose stress overload problems for Zach pretzel stick-like bone structure.
http://museumsatnight.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/mary-rose-lantern.jpg?w=500
Complete with ye-olde cruelty-free LED lamps.
Manufactured by Fair Trade Foxconn.
I don’t know about that cruelty-free business. That sort of defeats the purpose. I was thinking more like high intensity xenon lamps, such as the ones used as searchlight on M60 tanks.
https://www.oldebrooklynlantern.com/?uid=E30A98E7133B82CC1D516C72C159E25C
LMFAO, the name Brooklyn is being reduced to nothing but a marketing tool.
That crap has been on the “gone for good” discount closeout market in at least two places this month alone. Waste of Chinese factory space.
As black women buy hair shaved off the heads of women in India, I propose Ye Olde Breuklein Artisanal Beard Shearing Co. Hipster beardos could shave off their beards to provide them to facial-hair-challenged muslims in the Middle East. I smell profit (and beard cheese)!
The Far East might be a better bet. I’ve yet to run into an Asian who can get the Grizzly Adams look down pat.
http://www.hipstersgame.com
Snorkler’s club…work of pure genius. Love this blog!
http://brooklynpaper.com/stories/35/42/dtg_gowanusmudballs_2012_10_19_bk.html
Is there any technical data to back up this endeavor to clean up the Gowanus? Because I didn’t read anything about scientists – just collectives and activists.
What do you think the the James Neckbeard artisanal food artists are using to fabricate Mississippi Mud Pie with at all the ski cap luncheonettes? Gen-oo-wine Gowanus mudballs. Oh, and they’re organic, in a fatally toxic kind of way.
http://www.harborestuary.org/watersweshare/pdfs/CRP/2_Existing_Conditions.pdf, section 2.3.8.
Also http://www.epa.gov/oerrpage/superfund/sites/query/queryhtm/nplfin1.htm, Gowanus Canal NYN000206222 03/04/2010; and http://cumulis.epa.gov/supercpad/cursites/csitinfo.cfm?id=0206222
Good enough? Now go for a swim…
“But some residents fear microbes would do little to clean a waterway that’s flooded with raw sewage during storms and is so dirty it actually has gonorrhea.”
““But some residents fear microbes would do little to clean a waterway that’s flooded with raw sewage during storms and is so dirty it actually has gonorrhea.””
Considering that a large number of Hummuses and Chloes are waking Petri dishes, it’s a standoff.
Can yo imagine a bunch of 18 ga. wire physiqued beardos trying to throw mudballs? They’ll have the cleanest 6 inches of shoreline in Brooklyn.
LOL!!!
There’s SOME technical data, mostly involving efforts to clean up the Hudson’s PCB load using bacteria, but I’ve got to side with the EPA on this. Those mud balls aren’t going to do shit against heavy metals, and changes in water currents in the Gowanus will shift sediments and expose trapped heavy metal deposits to surface waters. They just simply have to be dredged out, and that’s why the EPA is still evaluating what will leach out into the East River in the process. (Compared to the condition it was in during the Seventies, the East River is insanely clean. However, you still don’t want to go swimming in it.)
You know, that’s something that our activists haven’t considered. Right now, applying those mudballs would mean, at best, that the heavy metals and coal tar would be sequestered in the sediments on the bottom, under a thin layer of cleaner sediment. The more activity moving water around the canal, from houseboats to kayaking expeditions, the more that moving water shifts sediments, causing more heavy metal deposits to be exposed and spread through the water. Even worse, what about the sediments collecting on kayaks and houseboats, drying up and blowing away to poison people further away from the canal? Wouldn’t it be just typical that increased hipster activity on the Gowanus increased the risk to everyone else, all so they can play in the mud?
Do you think that these fuckups actually think about the repercussions resulting from their need to attract attention? They spend every waking moment thinking of new ways to act like five year olds. They even get married while rowing in the Gowanus:
http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff149/SfanGoch/gowanuswedding2copy.jpg
The same exact thought regarding sediment went through my mind. There’s a lot of unknown cr*p that’s been buried there for years is condensed and undisturbed and ready to be PROPERLY cleaned up by those who know what they’re doing. Lord know what sort of hellspawn these hipsters will release with their little experiment. All we need is the Cankle from The Black Lagoon running around Brooklyn.
Oh and you have to love how the enlightened masses always come up with a quirky, simple solution – to thumb their noses at the experts: “SEE!?!? MUD BALLS!?! YOU WANT TO SPEND MILLIONS AND THE SOLUTION IS AT HOME DEPOT FOR 30 BUCKS!! NYAH NYAH!!
surrrre. Go ahead. I’ll stand here and watch – from Long Island City.
A few days ago some guy dove off a space capsule in the earth’s upper atmosphere in free fall. There’s no doubt that a lot of scientific research, specialized equipment, rigorous physical training and planning went into the event. I thank him for his endeavor. Hopefully some hipsters will look at the article and attempt jumping off the Empire state using a Tyvek suit, vintage welding goggles, a cape and a recycled laudry bag for a chute.
And when they hit the sidewalk, Artie the seal can waddle up to the bloody stain and yell “ART ART ART!!”.
If hipsters jumped from space…
http://imgur.com/gallery/E00nl
….this is what it would be like.
If hipsters jumped from space…
It would be called “air pollution.”
Give that man a cigar!!
For the hipster idiots, long-term planning consists of “What’s for lunch?” At 5 p.m. And if they dropped an enzyme/bacteria cocktail into the canal, it would either be more food for the mess that lives there or would mutate into something worse to contaminate water and land alike. (http://www.the-scientist.com/?articles.view/articleNo/32840/title/A-Parasite-s-Parasites/)
My dog has more technical smarts than 50 of them.
Did you read some of those comments from idiotic hipsters? My god, Liberal Arts degrees with a self-righteous holier than thou attitude should be illegal and punishable by death. I’ve seen and even been a part of that project as a college internship. The canal wasn’t dismissed, they were working out several plans and several backups along with choosing the process with the least amount of damage to the surrounding areas. The budget was also a factor.
The funny thing is that NYC, DEP and EPA have been working on ways to clean up the Gowanus and Newtown Creek. In fact construction has already begun on various machinery and the plans are already under way.
The reason it took so long was that they had to figure out what to do with the sewage and how the process would affect other areas. Then these fucks come along thinking their quickly thought up plan will save the fucking day.
Upon finding Harrison, all the beardos strangled themselves in taxis and drove them into Newton Creek to be ironic.
It’s the sequel.
DH…this site has been on fire!
But yeah, I had a story to tell (of sorts) inspired by last night.
I’m a transplant from a suburban area of Western Pa (the state y’all love to rip on)…LOL, and I’ve been living in Brooklyn and New York for two months now. Grew up in a fairly well to do family but roughed it on my own since I was 17. Graduated college and moved to New York to work and meet new friends.
Currently I work as a security guard.
The reason I can’t stand hipsters is not the way the dress or anything superficial…it’s their total lack of awareness of reality.
Last night, I had a big reality check. Between living from paycheck to paycheck and finding housing in Brooklyn between sublets to an actual apartment that I put down MY OWN money for..I was damn near homeless. Sure, I had money, but the money I deposited wasn’t available until the next morning. So, that led me with 12 hours to try to make do until that cleared and I was able to stay in a temporary spot.
I tried to sleep in Brower Park in Crown Heights. Yeah, it was like that. A cop pulled up to me and questioned me…asked if I had anything illegal on me, etc. I told him I had no place to go for the night and he left me alone.
I am now typing this from a hostel in Williamsburg. Yeah, near Roberta’s and that Fine & Raw Bs choclatier.
The point of this story is…these hipsters have no sense of reality whatsoever. No idea of struggle, no idea of what adversity is, no idea of the pitfalls of life at all. I have seen homeless people from all walks of life…and chances are walking around NYC…they have too. But something just doesn’t register in their head that the real world pulls no punches and offers NO handouts whatsoever. They’ve had everything handed to them. They’ve never worked hard in their lives. The reality of not having enough money to have a roof over their head, no food on the table, or no way to even afford the things they need doesn’t even click in their minds because they can always call Mom and Dad when things get testy. They supposedly are strapped for cash yet manage to party every night and get drunk and do drugs all the time and wear expensive designer digs. They move into neighborhoods of hard working native New Yorkers and don’t even say hi to them…some even go out of their way to avoid interacting with them because they aren’t like them at all. Even though they live in neighborhoods in Brooklyn with corner stores in walking distance, they’ll trek an extra 30-40 minutes to a pretentious and overpriced novelty store/restaurant/etc just to be surrounded by people like them. When I’m traveling to and from work, they seem to have all of the free time in the world to just walk around and do nothing. Do these people work? Do they know that we were just in a recession? Do they know that 20,000 kids are homeless on a nightly basis in this city? What kind of irrational and utterly nonsensical lifestyle are these fools living? It’s almost as if this city ain’t nothing to them but a quirky backdrop for their own little movie/TV show where they are the stars and everyone else are just extras.
I don’t hate them…I don’t wish harm on them. I just want them to grow the fuck up.
I feel for you brother. I know just what you’re saying; and, you said it all.
“Work and meet new friends”….sounds hipsterish, except for the security guard part.
I could never imagine hipsters working security at all. I had to take Anti-Terrorism courses, Fire Safety course and all of that.
One of the things that I learned in my short time doing it is how to approach people that may pose a threat with deadly force. In any situation when that might happen, I could imagine a hipster going on some long drawn out anti-violence tirade when the situation actually calls for…umm…shooting the person if the shit hits the fan (there’s a whole bunch of legalities and clauses and whatnot that we actually have to adhere to in order not to break the law and in order to protect people and property). As well, we have to actually cooperate with NYPD and FDNY if necessary.
I work in Times Square too…so one could only imagine the people and situations that might occur.
“It’s almost as if this city ain’t nothing to them but a quirky backdrop for their own little movie/TV show where they are the stars and everyone else are just extras.” You hit the nail right on the head. They’re still living in their school play. Hang in, buddy.
This the beardo version of “The Truman Show”.
Welcome from a yinzer trapped in NE Portland, aka Williamsburg West…..(Bethel Park here….), and I agree with you how the hipsters think life is a joke, and especially the struggle to survive – Pulp’s “Common People” comes to mind.
Beating to a pulp is more like it. Is it possible to offer beaten down cat poetry majors in both “Pulp” and “No Pulp” varieties?
AHHHH, i miss the days of taking the R train and only 3 minorities would get on at Union Street. Every morning I am now bombarded by 200 guys that look like Abraham Lincoln….
http://thecaptainpower.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-5-most-handsome-men-in-last-100.html
Now all we need is 200 guys who look like John Wilkes Boothe to level the playing field.
I literally laughed out loud!
According to this article: “Almost a third of homeowners expect their grown children or aging parents to eventually move in with them…” I guess when the expensive staycation is over that’s what they have to look forward to. I just hope they remember to include art studios in these new homes.
http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/personalfinance/2012/10/16/homes-grown-kids-aging-parents/1637565/
Don’t forget the kickball field in the back yard and the sustainable organic weed garden on the roof.