Let the artisanal, local, sustainable, organic, hand-crafted, cruelty-free, post-modern chocolate wars begin!
Looks like the Mast Bros. are in for a little competition; a competition to see who can find the most idiots willing to pay $10 for a chocolate bar. A company called Fine and Raw is opening a 2500 sq ft chocolate factory in Nieuw Bozwick which will also host walking tours. This must make the gritty, hard-core Brooklyn (by way of suburbia Iowa) red-bearded Mast Bros. very upset. How dare someone else be whimsical in the magical land of Nieuw Breukelen! This must be settled!
They can have a Ye Olde Joust on Bedford Ave except the horses will be replaced by penny farthings and the lances replaced by wooden chocolate mixing spoons. Or they can have a filthy red beard growing competition – nah, that’s not fair, the Mast Bros would win easily. They can have a Super-Fund site schooner relay race; they would start in the pristine waters of the Newtown Creek and sail down Ye Olde East River to the glistening fecal sludge waters of the Gowanus Canal where they would hire real men to load the boat with 100lb sacks of imported organic fair trade cacao beans and then sail back to the Newtown Creek. Or possibly even see who can shoot a cage free quail with chocolate covered raisins out of a musket. The winner of these competitions gets to claim their turf.
But seriously – as each day passes, the gentrification of Brooklyn gets more and more ridiculous, doesn’t it? How far can all this artisanal bullshit and rent-raising and pussification and ART ART ART ART ART go? Just when you think you’ve seen and heard it all, another insanely irritating article about some hipster bullshit comes out. It just never ends! Fuck these out-of-place people already!