Move over Mast Bros; There’s a new $10 chocolate bar in town.

Let the artisanal, local, sustainable, organic, hand-crafted, cruelty-free, post-modern chocolate wars begin!

Link: The L Magazine – Bushwick is getting a Chocolate Factory.

Looks like the Mast Bros. are in for a little competition; a competition to see who can find the most idiots willing to pay $10 for a chocolate bar. A company called Fine and Raw is opening a 2500 sq ft chocolate factory in Nieuw Bozwick which will also host walking tours. This must make the gritty, hard-core Brooklyn (by way of suburbia Iowa) red-bearded Mast Bros. very upset. How dare someone else be whimsical in the magical land of Nieuw Breukelen! This must be settled!

 

They can have a Ye Olde Joust on Bedford Ave except the horses will be replaced by penny farthings and the lances replaced by wooden chocolate mixing spoons. Or they can have a filthy red beard growing competition – nah, that’s not fair, the Mast Bros would win easily. They can have a Super-Fund site schooner relay race; they would start in the pristine waters of the Newtown Creek and sail down Ye Olde East River to the glistening fecal sludge waters of the Gowanus Canal where they would hire real men to load the boat with 100lb sacks of imported organic fair trade cacao beans and then sail back to the Newtown Creek. Or possibly even see who can shoot a cage free quail with chocolate covered raisins out of a musket. The winner of these competitions gets to claim their turf.

But seriously – as each day passes, the gentrification of Brooklyn gets more and more ridiculous, doesn’t it? How far can all this artisanal bullshit and rent-raising and pussification and ART ART ART ART ART go? Just when you think you’ve seen and heard it all, another insanely irritating article about some hipster bullshit comes out. It just never ends! Fuck these out-of-place people already!

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102 Responses to Move over Mast Bros; There’s a new $10 chocolate bar in town.

  1. FUWI says:

    Be careful. Jen is probably on her broom and headed over right now to complain to you for offending her feelings about your ‘beatings’.

    “That being said I do need to ignore and laugh it away. In the end I think people could deal with their frustration in more constructive ways. That website is a testament for a worldview going backwards to shit. As far as anonymity – I don’t really believe in it. It just gives him and commenters to say shameful things they would otherwise never say.
    Using anonymity to protect privacy in certain circumstances is understandable. To use it to create a platform for hate and intolerance is cowardly.”

    Remember…hipsters see anonymity as an act of cowardice. That is more revealing of a true oppressor than any other quality in the world.

    Anonymity is one of the greatest freedoms we’ve ever been given. It’s why when we vote in the booth, who pulled the lever cannot be deduced. The real artist can handle the critique of the anonymous. The tempermental child cannot. They want to be able to point at a target and send someone to destroy it so it never hurts their feelings again. It’s conformity through group shame, nothing more.

    People who disagree with anonymity are people who do not understand their own nature, nevermind the nature of other human beings. They are monstrosities of a certain type and certainly have the potential lurking just under the surface to strike real, not imagined, terror into the lives of others and in large numbers. The upper-crust Germans who embraced the Nazi’s at martini parties thought of themselves as good people. They were the ‘new’ culture, had money, lived in nice neighborhoods, believed in purity…mocked and detested the culture of non-whites….yeah.

    • I totally agree with you about dancing. When I was growing up, every club you went to was full of young people dancing and swinging their bootys. Of course, I grew up in the age of Saturday Night Fever and Disco when dancing was normal and kids were fitter and more athletic than they are now.

      Then came the 90s and Techno and suddenly you couldn’t tolerate the music without taking a extacy pill. (Thankfully, I was getting a bit older so it didn’t matter too much to me by then). But it was enough to give Adolf Giuliani an excuse to shut down all the good clubs, followed by the smoking ban and Heinrich Bloomberg outlawing dancing entirely.

      Enter the discovery of pedophilia in the late 90s and suddenly every cool youth activity got curtailed because there were pedophiles lurking in the bushes everywhere. Mothers stopped their kids playing sports and threatened to call Amnesty International on their schools if pweshious was forced to play football. If the kids got bullied, mom called Jacoby and Meyers. Result, doughy fat young people everywhere who can’t lift anything heavier than a helium balloon off the ground and who get beaten up by 4 year old girls.

      And that’s before mobile phones and facialbook.

  2. PBR=Urine says:

    That picture of those bearded twats always cracks me up. The dipshit on the right looks like he’s trying to imitate Admiral Farragut. “Damn the pedestrians, full speed ahead” (on his fixie)

  3. sally says:

    I have one word for these dipshits, Hershey.

  4. Pat I says:

    “Daniel worked as a raw chef in the high desert of Arizona and perfected the art of chocolate back in New York. A sprinkle of adventure and creativity guided Daniel through his dreams and the ancient mysteries of cacao. He brought raw chocolate to life in a notorious Brooklyn loft. FINE & RAW was immediately alive, enlightened and intoxicating…”

    No…no hipsters here, Jen…move along….nothing to see.

    I hate to tell ya guys, but there’s no competition here. The beardos make chocolate from beans. this
    artisanal wannabe is making chocolates.

    There are many chocolatiers in NYC – people who have dedicated many, many years to this craft. People like this Joshie annoys me because he’s so flippant and such a rebel.

    In this economy, who gives up a job as a financial analyst to play around with chocolate.

    Finally – Is “notorious” going to be the next hipster buzzword?

    • The Robespierre Of the Jet Set says:

      There is no “high desert” in AZ where a “raw chef” would be in demand. Sedona & Flagstaff are both at altitude, but neither are technically in the desert. That leaves PHX, so while 600′ above sea level may be considered by a Billyburger to be high-altitude, to Westerners it’s just sunbleached flatlands where nobody in their right mind ever would have thought of settling.

      “But ‘high desert’ just sounds so … LEGENDARY!”

    • sledgehammer says:

      The About section on their site leaves more questions than answers:
      Did he really “quit” his job as financial analyst or was he fired?
      Hipsters are notorious liars about everything about their lives, so was he really a financial analyst? Or did he just work at a bank?
      And if he’s not lying and actually was a financial analyst, then Wall Street money bankrolled his business. OCCUPY!
      How long did it take him to “perfect the art of chocolate”? A month or two in a notorious Brooklyn loft? Why is a Brooklyn loft “notorious”?

      At least he’s not doing stupid shit like shit like shipping cacao beans by schooner and having ditzy tourguides telling tourists there might be a beard hair or three in the chocolate…Yet.

    • Pseudo Hipster says:

      “Finally – Is “notorious” going to be the next hipster buzzword?”

      Biggie Smalls was “notorious” before it was cool. 8-)

  5. FUWI says:

    Yes, right along with ‘scandalous’.

    This Thursday, our Scandal-making, Notorious Bastards of Organic Gore will be presenting their new film,”Hell on a Hot Soy Cupcake”. For the appearance of credibility, it will be rated R. Tickets are $72 and include a FREE soy cupcake!

  6. FUWI says:

    For those that think all the hipsters are dumbasses in their 20′s, here are the oldsters, well over the age of 30…

    http://www.fineandraw.com/sites/default/files/P1040955.jpeg

  7. Jimmydareshipsters says:

    I was at McDs this morning trying to eat my bacon egg and cheese biscuit when I am interrupted by the annoying sound of honk filled whining. I look over and there is a precious little Zoe: bangs, big glasses, cankles. Next to her sits her beta male Ethan wearing a stocking cap, inside. Across the way sits Zoe’s poor beleaguered dad. I can easily tell he holds down a real job. Apparently he has decided to by our darling cacnklesarus a car. She’s honking on and on. “It can’t just be a normal honk car to get from honk place to place. It needs to make a statement about ME.”

    • The Robespierre Of the Jet Set says:

      Ouch. Poor bastard.

    • GioNYC says:

      “little Zoe: bangs, big glasses, cankles.” I actually seen one of them in Brooklyn on the bus she had a Betty Boop Outfit on with horrible tatoos and it was not even Halloween yet. Like 8am in the morning on a work day. I almost wanted to just shove her thick framed glasses down her throat.

      • linguini leg cracker says:

        I was at a bar in NE Minneapolis on Saturday night (October 6th) and half the crowd was hipsters and at least half the hipsters were wearing costumes already. Fucking overgrown attention starved children are EVERYWHERE.

    • 4finger Riff says:

      And the statement it makes is “My Daddy bought me this car!” If it was my daughter I’d show her where to buy a bus pass. My heart goes out to her guilt-manipulated father.

      • IMissTheOldNYC says:

        No, it’s her father’s fault for indulging this mess. I have no sympathy. My mom will beat my ass IN PUBLIC to this day if I talk slick and I am 36 years old. That’s why I am not a disrespectful worthless punk.

        • Jimmydareshipsters says:

          I give the father some slack. He was sticking to his gun. 4k and he had to approve the car. No matter how much whining he kept repeating 4 grand and I have to approve of the car.

          On a funny note the 140 pound pencil limbed Ethan never uttered a single word. He was clearly intimidated by the 220 working class father.

          • IMissTheOldNYC says:

            Nah, how about he tells her she gets a job and buys her own car. I been working since my teen years. Why? So that I could have money to buy and do stuff. End of story.

  8. Bobby says:

    Should have included the old-timey coat as an item in hipstersgame.com…

  9. The Robespierre Of the Jet Set says:

    ‘Notorious” is probably being used by hipsters in the same hyperbolic way they use “epic” and “legendary” – “epic” to describe any effort that took longer than 20 minutes to complete, “legendary” being anything that happened more than a week ago.

    What happened in that loft to make it “notorious”? Is it because of the neighborhood it’s located in? Were child labor laws violated there in the distant past? Was it a place where illicit hooch was warehoused during Prohibition? Was it formerly a factory where non-artisanal processed cheese spread was manufactured? Or is it just because it’s in Brooklyn, where everything that pre-dates an area’s hipster invasion is considered by them to be “notorious.” Which is it? Inquiring minds want to know.

  10. GioNYC says:

    Ha Ha..this is good because now the new Factory will offer free chocolate to take home by you taking the their tour. Plus if you end up buying factory direct it would be way more cheaper than paying a bullshit $10. Also the chocolate from the factory would be 10x as fresh.

  11. Hipster Crippler says:

    Fine and Raw? Isn’t that porn?

    • Joe Blow says:

      Correction: she’s not just an artist but a “fiber artist”

      • PBR=Urine says:

        Seriously. Mom’s done it for years, knitting us sweaters and scarves that we actually wore, for real & not ironically, when it was cold out and we wanted to stay warm. We also wore those green Sears parkas with the fake fur around the hood, also to stay warm.

  12. MD Burbs says:

    “We craft artisan confections using conscious ingredients…”
    Does that mean the beans are still awake and aware as they’re dumped into the macerator? I can just hear their little pathetic screams as they’re artisinally ground into a pulpy mass, begging for mercy all the way.
    Or are the confections made of artisans? Do they scream as they’re ground into an organic pulp?
    Jen, please help me; I’m so confused…

  13. jt says:

    Yesterday I saw a garden variety hipster flying down that hill on Everit St. in Brooklyn Heights on his Mary Poppins bike. Halfway down, he took out his Iphone to take video. All of a sudden he lost control and completely wiped out. What a moron..It was such glorious sight and you all would have loved it.

  14. Tom Ray says:

    Those two douchebags are nothing more than adults trick-or-treating as the Smith Brothers (of cough drop fame). Nice Edwardian jacket, you low-rent Richard Chamberlain stunt double! And the asshole on the left: is this the remake of American Gothic?

    Look at their faces! That is the expression they crafted for their photo. You know they rehearsed it, that’s what’s so agonizing about it.

    Listen, if I wanted to go into the chocolate business and make a fast killing selling candy for the same price as a diner meal, I too would set it up in north Brooklyn. Where else would people part with their money as readily as the hipster does? After all, he didn’t work for it; it came easy. If the slobs had to work for their money, maybe they’d think twice about actually racking up a candy bill.

    • The Robespierre Of the Jet Set says:

      Image. It’s an image that allows some dopes to justify forking over big bux for candy. It’s CANDY, numbskulls. IT’S JUST CANDY.

      What’s with Squinty, anyway? He’s wearing a cavalry shirt that’s about 2 sizes too small, and an apron that’s too narrow at the top to do the thing aprons are meant to do. Maybe it shows his personal dedication to leaving a reduced carbon footprint or something, but really, it just comes off as gimmicky. Just like their goddamned schooner – nothing more than a gimmick. And those glasses? Maybe he should have spent more school time in Hygiene class, learning about the dangers of Mast-urbation, instead of in Home Econ, trying to decode the mysteries of the double boiler.

      Anybody ever thought about pulling a Brooklyn Cacao Party-thing on the Mast Bros. tub when it docks at Gowanus to unload its precious cargo? Nobody in this gorup, I’m sure …

      • I believe competition is the thing that will destroy the Masturbation Bros. They’d better milk it while they still can.
        See, their whole business model is based on endless streams of people coming to New York, hearing about the $10 magical chocolate bars and trying just one. Bit like charging $30 to go up the Empire State building, there’ll always be enough gullible tourists and hipsters to keep a steady cash stream coming.
        Now, if somebody else opens up the same thing, they’ll lose business but still survive. Wait until the Flaming Moe’s recipe comes out and every corner store does the same thing and they’re history.

        • The Robespierre Of the Jet Set says:

          I’m waiting for the truth to come out about their chocolate. I’d be willing to bet that they bootleg big blocks of outdated Blommert’s wholesale chocolate into Brooklyn in unmarked semis in the morning hours, when no hipsters are awake – that schooner of theirs is strictly for show. Their army of oompa-loompas remelts the chocolate to take the bloom off, then to each hundredweight of melted chocolate they add a gallon of Texas Pete hot sauce and a couple of 5# sacks each of road salt and MSG, to give it that distinctive MastBros aroma, flavor and texture. Once it reaches the proper consistency, the choco-like slurry is poured into whimsically organic MastBros molds, where it is left to cool completely before being wrapped in what they represent to be locally-sourced and individually hand-printed artisto-artisinal work of Art, but is actually something they created on a MacBook and print out on a laser printer. They can pretend to be progressive nu-economy green enterpreneurs all they want, but it’s a certain thing that in their chests beat the hearts of a couple of capitalist pigs.

  15. laughoutloud says:

    Here he is making chocolate in his notorious loft. Gross.

    • MD Burbs says:

      Creepy. And what’s up with the “Himalayan sea salt”? Sea salt? From the Himilayas? WTF???

    • Eduardo Snapper says:

      “Your story has become tiresome. You may not touch my monkey.”
      For some reason this guy vaguely reminds me of SNL Dieter of “Sprockets” fame.

    • redQueen says:

      Nope, couldn’t do it – had to stop at “it’s ‘enrobed’” — you’re a fucking candymaker BRAH, get over yourself. I think a small business making candy is great, too bad you have to be freaking Bloomberg to afford a bar.

      All those raw, fair trade type ingredients are insanely expensive and for what? There’s no proof agave is superior to sugar, that Peruvian cocao is tastes better than cocoa or that these raw ingredients are healthier or that this giboney’s candy is worth $$ over Hershey or Cadbury or Russell Stover fer cryin out loud

      • You want to bet that behind the scenes, when nobody’s looking, they go out and buy Hershey’s in bulk? Then add some butt-chocolate for extra flavor and aroma and the occasional beard hair for that “artisinal” feel.
        The agave and Peruvian cacao are just for show, just like the Masturbation Bros.

        • Stacey Jw says:

          That reminds me of the South Park when Kyle and Cartman sell burgers, and the secret to their awesomeness is that Cartmen puts them in his pants. LOL

          • StirbHipster says:

            Could be the next hipster craze – upcycling body fluids to fart-isanal food ingredients. Imagine Megan praising her newest creation: “This delissshhhhiiss petit-fours is enrobed in carefully oak-barrel aged smegma whose earthy, salty aroma dances an elegant waltz with the sweet fairy-trade chocolate on your taste buds”.

      • sledgehammer says:

        He’s a candymaker with a man bun. That accent sounds fake and affected, and the chocolate looks like turds. Oh well, at least he’ll be cutting into the Masturbation Bros. market for $10 artisinal hand crafted wrapped in artisanal paper by artisans shipped by schooner chocolate.

        I can’t wait for the next artisanal notorious scandalous man bun thick eyeglass lumberjack chocolate makers to jump on this trend. The market will implode/trust fund will dry up/short attention span run out, and hopefully they’ll all go away.

        • I know…It’s a classic economic bubble. Hipsters use their hipster money to make hipster products bought by hipster customers with their own hipster money, which they get from their rich mommies and daddies back home. The trouble is, without those monthly trust fund checks, there won’t be any customers dumb enough to pay $10 for a fucking bonbon, and the whole thing will collapse.

  16. FlushingRepresenter says:

    “We try and keep things as simple as possible. We’re going to use ka-kow powder, in its raw form (whatever that means), a beautiful virgin coconut oil from Malaysia, from the high deserts of Mexico we have our agave nectar. Lastly we use our Himalayan sea salt.”

    Oil from Malaysia.
    Agave nectar from the “high deserts” of Mexico.
    Sea salt from the Himalayas……

    That seems as simple as possible.

    • 4finger Riff says:

      Yeah, I’m going to buy a few tons of kosher salt, re-label it as Himalayan Yeti Salt and see how much the food snobs shell out for bragging rights. I’ll just print up some mandala motif exotic labels with a prominent “Free Tibet” sticker and a back story of rebel monks risking their lives to smuggle this delicacy past armed border guards in picturesque mountain passes and the tragically hip should line up in droves.

    • Tom Ray says:

      Of course. These two tools scour the earth looking for the most obscure ingredients. Please! It’s chocolate, not the cure for cancer.

    • Stacey Jw says:

      Actually, it seems to ME like those chocolate bars will have an enormous carbon footprint! Shipping food thousands of miles is usually fine, because it’s an issue of scale. Several tons of food shipped 5k miles is greener than a pound driven across several towns to a farmers market.

      • 4finger Riff says:

        Yes, just like a lot of other foods hipsters think of as “green”, mass produced and shipped thousands of miles using fossil fuel and phony organic certification. Just look at alfalfa sprouts. To be profitable alfalfa has to be pollinated by European bees that are trucked to the fields in trailers stacked with new lumber drilled for their nests and then trucked back out til next year. The wood is discarded and new wood used year after year.
        And wasn’t alfalfa introduced by European usurpers of native land as fodder for the earth hostile beef industry?

      • I remember reading somewhere where hipsters are actually INCREASING CO2 in the atmosphere by forcing working people (who previously walked 10 blocks) to drive 50 miles to work each day.
        Go figure.

      • Eduardo Snapper says:

        I want a pair of artisanal graphite-soled boots so I can leave a Size 10 1/2 carbon footprint imprinted on some Nasal Numpty’s backside.

  17. The Bearded Flea says:

    http://jomartchocolates.com

    2917 AVE R BROOKLYN
    Not Breukelyn.

  18. Tom Ray says:

    I still can’t get past the photo. I want to wield a sock full of pennies around their prententious gobs.

  19. Zach From Ohio says:

    [img]http://www.pornfail.com/images/pf-119.gif[/img]

  20. Boston Mike says:

    Those Mast brothers are suck fucking posers


    • Just look at them in this video as they unload their beans from New Jersey. Do you really believe they have the upper body strength to hoist the sails on that schooner?
      There was an article recently about one of them finally (after about 2 years) braving it to go to the Dominican Republic (with Mom, her lawyer and the Green Berets for protection no doubt) to meet the brown people who actually harvest their beans.

      • Uncool Person says:

        What absolute and pretentious crap! I wonder how much they are paying for this.

        • Uncool Person says:

          Of course, they had to film the whole friggin’ thing.

          • 4finger Riff says:

            Some one should film the real ships that transport their regular shipments and the factories that process the beans and the farm vehicles that work the fields. You can bet they won’t be old timey wind powered vessels or horse drawn wagons!

            • I’m trying to imagine the massive eye-roll/face-palm done by the Dominicans who sold them their cocoa (sorry, fair trade cacao). If only they could read this. Attention cocoa-selling Dominicans. Feel free to charge 500% your normal price to these bearded gentlemen. They will pay it. Repeat, they will pay whatever you charge, so long as they believe they’ve traded fairly with (financially) poorer people and have a unique seafaring story to tell. The eradication of white guilt is built into their retail pricing. Laugh your way to the bank. Yo repito, reya mientras que ir al banco. Ditto to the stevedores who help them load/unload. Feel free to add whatever surcharges you deem appropriate.

              Touching on this – I’ll lay dollars to donuts that the poor (by our standards) Dominicans harvesting the cocoa are 100x happier than the upper middle class suckers buying and selling this stuff in Brooklyn. They work toward a goal rather than living through their purchases and style choices. I’d be willing to bet that they dance and celebrate earnestly rather than self-consciously and ironically. Stereotype maybe but I’ve traveled around Latin countries enough to see that “snark” is a cover for bitterness and loss of identity.

      • SwampYankee says:

        How the fuck did they afford the boat? To buy that they would have to charge like $10 a bar for chocolate……….hold on……”Whats that you say DH”, “really”….”for a single bar?”….. sorry folks…..now I know how they go the boat.

      • I had to click off at :28 when I heard ‘carbon footprint.’ Hit ‘play’ again and whaddya know? The friggin’ boat is handcrafted too. They probably farmed their own cotton and wove the canvas for the sails too. That’s fine but the Amish do this every day for the last, oh few hundred years or so and they are not annoying and attention-seeking.

      • PBR=Urine says:

        So the NYC Economic Development Corp & the Port Authority (one of the biggest money wasting, nepotism pits in the entire US) spent how much to let theses pretentious hipster douches have their dream of decreasing their carbon footprint?

      • sledgehammer says:

        The one in the stupid hat said “captaineering”. Captaineering? Those frauds have clearly never set foot on a boat in all of their midwest flyover-not-from-Brooklyn lives. They need to captaineer their sh*t back to Iowa.

      • MD Burbs says:

        One of the biggest challenges they had to overcome was getting all those bales of dope past customs…

  21. Stevie’s right. Look at the kind of women us townies have to settle for.

    She’s too smart to be a hipster, that’s for sure.

  22. FUWI says:

    These jackass hipsters are like all the rest of them doing ‘business’ by attracting customers who buy first and think later.. They’re like emotionally stunted boys with Mommy issues who grow up intimidated by women who think for themselves so they react by either aping some cartoonish version of masculinity, (annoying dude who spends a great deal of time trying to convince other guys he’s heterosexual even though the grown men don’t really give a fuck ), or they go the passive-aggressive, ‘quiet guy’ route ( who erupts in periodic tantrums of knitting, sulking, and whining aka beta males ). The MAST BROTHERS, boo yah…tough hombre costumes will be next. They’ll abandon those costumes as soon as they sense a shift in some other useless trend, like “,,,the Marlboro Man’s back in town.” LOL!! Black cowboy hats, pueblo ponchos, and a cigar clamped firmly between their teeth as their boot heels land on the city sidewalk with authority lol Maybe it actually is better they play Ye Olde Thymey Guye because when the males try to act macho it’s high comedy..

    Hipsters absolutely reek of Inferiority Complexes and their overboard compensation routines bred from their insecuirty are one of the symptoms that prove it. If anyone in their lives actually gave a damn about those two they’d simply say,”You look absurd.”.

  23. Just wondering if I caught the Mast chocolatte bros at Occupied Zucotti Square last year.
    http://youtu.be/cx2sQSpowHs

    Check :44 and 2:26.

  24. Leroy Jenkem says:

    To be honest, I’ve been waiting for someone to try moving into the Mast Brothers’ territory, and figured that the only reason why nobody else had done so was because of the money. Even if these two are getting their buddies to work for them for free, setting up a chocolatier facility ain’t cheap, so these two must have a hell of a lot of money coming from their folks to keep playing this game. If it were cheap or easy, you’d have as many chocolatiers in Nieu Breuklyn as you have half-assed, overpriced vintage clothing stores.

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