Fauxhemian Rhapsody – Quinn

This is my real life
This isn’t fantasy
Bought a new condo
To escape from the “townies”
Coke and Pad Thai, my jeans are so tight; can’t breathe.
I’m not a poor boy, I just appear to be
Because I’m a lazy bum, nasal tone, always high, skin that glows.
Even if my art sucks – doesn’t really matter to me, to me.

Mama, I’m not a man
He smashed a brick over my head
“End of story” is what he said.
Mama, Brooklyn life is fun
But now I need your 401 K.
Mama, yahhhh-aaa-ahhh
You’re so mean, I’m gonna cry,
If my rent checks not here this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on
There’s always Western Union.

Its late, I should go home
I’ll take the L that should be fine
Don’t have to be at work at nine
Goodbye, everybody
We’re children of the corn
Gotta go and pick out tomorrow’s hipster uniform.
Mama, yahhhhhaaaa,
I don’t want to lie,
I wear thick frames but I don’t need glasses at all.

I’m just a little stick figure of a man,
I’m a douche, I’m a douche!
Nine dollar rooftop mangos.
Brown people sightings,
very, very fright’ning me.
Artisanal Mayo! Artisanal Mayo!
Artisanal Mayo I need a smoke.
And some co-o-o-oke.
I’m just a rich boy who talks very nasally.
He’s acts like a poor boy but is from a rich family.
His music and art are a monstrosity.
Easy Bake – Oven Cake.
He bakes cupcakes.
Bushpointburg! No! How high will rents go.
(What a joke) Bushpointburg! No! How high will rents go.
(What a joke) Bushpointburg! No! How high will rents go.
(What a joke) How high will rents go.
(What a joke) How high will rents go.(What a joke)
Like yah yah yah yah yah yah yah!
Soy vente latte – Soy vente latte
Soy vente latte, make mine to go.
Bearded fucks; always feel like lice is jumping on me, on me
Look at meeeeeeeee!

So you think you love Brooklyn but that is a lie.
When is this whole hipster thing gonna die?
Oh, Caleb, can’t do this to me, Caleb,
You just gotta get out,
just get the fuck outta here.

Nothing really matters, Anyone can see.
It’s all just about: LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Any way the beard blows.

58 thoughts on “Fauxhemian Rhapsody – Quinn

  1. As if any hipsters would genuinely appreciate Queen. Everything’s an ironic circlejerk of insincerity and psuedo-creativity.

  2. This is the bomb. This needs to be animated, acted out or something its genius.

  3. effing brilliant. Needs to go wide.

  4. Exquisite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Fucking amazing.

    • I especially love the “get the fuck outta here” nod to real Brooklyn near the end.

      • ‘my jeans are so tight, can’t breathe’
        Instanty Classic!
        I just moved to W. 16th and 8th in Manhattan, next door to the Grey Dog (like ya! hipster fukin joint). L train on the corner (EASY stop from BKLYN). I’m thinking of taking pics and sending you guys a story. Tight jean fuks all the time and hand-roll cigs on my stoop……….they’re moving over to Manhattan and already on my nerves!
        Great site, have been looking at it for some time, but haven’t had the urge to sign in til now.

        • That’s a shame. I’d hoped Manhattan would be too expensive for them. There goes the island…

  6. Best one yet, LMAO

    • Holy shit! Is there a tribute band that could do this?

      • The DH All-Stars. DH could set up next to hipsters at various subway stations and drown out their kazoo “art” with his own renditions of “Stayin Alive” and “Fauxhemian Rhapsody” Someone could film to witness all the great butt hurt. “Is he talking about MEEE?”

  7. Oh Sweet Baby Jesus! My head hurts from laughing so hard. I need to take a breather and read that again.

  8. This is the best one so far!
    “OOOHHH, Caleb!”

  9. ROFL this needs a vocal cover for Youtube or something! This is the best one yet XD

  10. off topic,but
    have you heard about
    the ostrich pillow on kickstarter?
    yipes!
    just when you thought you’d
    heard it all.

  11. Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

    • Very deep and pithy. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

      Sent from this thingy with all the lettered buttons on it.

  12. Very good!

    Man, I’d hate to have to be the one to sing it. That is no easy tune to carry, even done badly LOL There’s a reason that song doesn’t have numerous amounts of covers by even known talents. So the other option is to put the Danny DeVito to it or something and yahhhh, i gotta go….

  13. Laughed so hard I think I’m gonna need a truss. :)

  14. Ha….Sensational!
    Thank you..
    Really loved this bit:
    “I’m just a little stick figure of a man,
    I’m a douche, I’m a douche!
    Nine dollar rooftop mangos.
    Brown people sightings,
    very, very fright’ning me.
    Artisanal Mayo! Artisanal Mayo!”

  15. DH, I am crying. This is your best!

    But the ultimate compliment is that i sent it to my hipster sister and the reply was, “This is not funny”.

  16. I’m just a rich boy who talks very nasally.
    He’s acts like a poor boy but is from a rich family.
    His music and art are a monstrosity.

    Absolutely perfect! You are really hitting your stride!

  17. Great job! My day will be complete when I finish administering a hipster beatdown during lunch here in San Fransicko!

  18. Priceless. Shared it on my FB page. Hope it goes viral!

  19. “Because I’m a lazy bum, nasal tone, always high, skin that glows.
    Even if my art sucks – doesn’t really matter to me, to me.”

    HAHAHA. And it just gets better from there.

    • Every time I sing along with it, my favorite part changes!

      Had the misfortune of being on the L earlier, and this fucking bearded asshole at 3rd Ave is flying down the platform on a skateboard. The fact that there were a few elderly people standing there that could not possibly get out of Mason’s way in time if he lost control was of no importance to this ironic matchstick. God I fucking hate the L so damn much. Just crammed with mediocre Midwest kidults – and a few unfortunate regular people who have to endure the daily Halloween parade in that fucking train.

  20. Another classic!

  21. Jennifer, hipster bitch, has her own website
    Jennifer, hipster bitch, comments through the night
    On a website owned by others
    While defended by her brother
    What’s your problem, Jennifer you bitch

    Jennifer, hipster bitch, rides a fixie bike
    Jennifer, hipster bitch, tweets the things she likes
    Is she a hiptard, yes I think so
    And pretentious, that and more so
    Why the butt hurt, Jennifer you bitch

    I’m thinking of what it would be like if she shut it
    You know just lately this dippy bitch she came along
    And I’d liketo try and somehow shut her mouth

    Jennifer, hipster bitch, go the fuck away
    Jennifer, hipster bitch,find a job that pays
    Do I like her, no I don’t, sir
    Would you smack her, yes I would, sir
    Go away now Jennifer you bitch
    Jennifer, hipster bitch, Jennifer, hipster bitch, Jennifer, hipster bitch

    Hey DH, notice I’m complying with your requested moratorium on the word “cunt” by changing it to bitch. She’ll probably complain anyway but nothing seems to please her. Shame, it scanned better before editing.

  22. I laughed so hard the tears were rolling down my cheeks.Yes, those cheeks.

  23. These are fucking genius.

  24. Haha, you’re a townie and you know it.

    • Hipsters always let you know when you’ve hit the bullseye. A lazy, reflex insult connotes HBH.

  25. No word identifies a grown white man as a boring, inane, unoriginal hipster more than the use of the word ‘townie’. I think ‘Ned’ is a regular poster just goofing off, like Sustainable Steven, not that any of it matters all that much. Anyway, I’m looking forward to more song satire at hipster expense from DH.

    And there’s a moratorium on the WORD ‘cunt’ now? Because a hipster witch requested it? I don’t buy that for a f-ing minute and if it’s no different than saying DH built this site to be a target for gentrification LOL Now THAT would, indeed, be irony rofl

    Oh yeah, slipped my mind who mentioned forwarding it to their hipster sister and her response but that had me cracking up. I have heard hipster guys pop that response off before and with a whine that made me so ashamed for their fathers that you just yell,”Are you fucking serious you simpering little worm?!! You’re 30 freaking years old, supposedly have a dick, and are actually WHINING about the fact your girlfriend enjoys looking at more muscular guys than you? THEN STOP CRYING, LIFT WEIGHTS, AND LEARN HOW TO SATISFY YOUR WOMAN INSTEAD OF ACTING LIKE A HOMELY BOY THAT’S NEVER BEEN FELT UP BEFORE!!! She’s a woman you dork, not your Maw-meeeee. And if you ever figure THAT out, then learn how to wear the waistband of your girlfriends jeans AT LEAST around your WAIST, Dipshit.” Some of them even want to use the work place now as their own personal support group as if they all come to work to hear some whiny bitch with testicles snivel about how there’s no ‘culture’ in the company culture. Argh. We need, at least, legal smacking sticks because Logic just ain’t reachin’ ‘em.

    • ^haha, you’re all bent out of shape and crazy.

    • FUWI, ease back, DH was the one who asked us to back off on the gratuitous insults and concentrate on issues. I disagree, but I believe in respecting one’s host, something Ned should learn but never will.

      • This WHOLE site is insults. How delusional are you people?

      • Well I figure it like this: with all the material out there to put hipsters to shame like bullshit organic local stuff, unused bike lanes, ridiculous clothing, “lookatme-itis”, made up slacker work titles, pretension, etc etc etc etc. – I see no reason to stoop to sounding like a woman hater. This isn’t an all around hating and complaining site; or a tell us your life story site; or a racist site. It was started in hopes of making sure hipsters dont creep into still my normal parts of Brooklyn. End of story.

  26. LOL @ “Fauxhemian Rhapsody”. Once again DH you deliver the goods.

  27. This is better than anything Drew & The Medicinal Pen, Ian Kickstarter, Teeth Mountain, or the countless number of shitty fuckbags making noise in Niuew Bruekleinn could ever pull off. You know that the butthurt is stinging strong with all the yupster shitsticks that follow your page everyday. This is great. Listen, you whimiscal, parentally-funded fruitcakes… We are laughing at you more and more everyday.

  28. Fantastic. Best thing ever.

  29. Brilliant! Absolutely Brilliant.

    Surely a Hipster’s favourite Queen song would be Bicycle “I want to ride it where i like”

  30. “I’m just a rich boy who talks very nasally.”
    thank you. this is hilarious.
    it’s the honking that annoys me the most.

  31. Holy shit this was great! Keep it up DH

  32. “I’m a douche! I’m a douche!
    Nine dollar rooftop mangoes”

    HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! This is just the best!!!!!

  33. God this is so brilliant.

  34. How many times can people say “brilliant!”? Well,add me to the list. F’ing insanely clever….

  35. I’m in love with this post.
    And my car, but only because I actually like Queen with no irony.

  36. Full video tila tequila lesbian sex tape
    howling in a person’s shower.

  37. Today, I went to the beachfront with my children.
    I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She placed the shell to her ear and screamed.
    There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back!
    LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!

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