The all new i-Stole 5 has arrived!

The NY Post reports on the huge spike in Apple product thefts in Manhattan over the last year. Before we go any further let me say that I’ve owned two i-Phones over the last 3 or 4 years – let’s face it, they are amazing gadgets; hipster defenders on this site love claiming that because you own an i-Phone you are a hipster. That’s such a weak argument; I’ve seen 75 year old grandmas with i-Phones. What makes somebody a hipster is if they have an i-Phone while they are wearing a scarf in 85 degree weather, sausage casing jeans, the physique of the Sea Hag from Popeye, and pay $4.85 for a coffee.

Link: NY POST – Blame Apple for crime spike.

The post article says: “It happens in areas where you have affluent people who can afford these products — Midtown, Greenwich Village — and hipsters are among the targets,” the source [law enforcement official] said.

HAHAHAHAHA! “Hipsters” are among the targets? So now law enforcement officials are seeing these imaginary creatures? Wow, there must be something hallucinogenic in our water because if you went up to practically any Caleb, Molly, Zoey, or Zach in North Brooklyn or the East Village and asked what a hipster was they would shrug their popsicle stick shoulders and nasally honk “I have no idearrrrrrrr”. And can you believe it? The other day when the i-Phone 5 was released, the city had police protection at every Apple store! What a waste of resources. Why the fuck should a bunch of idiots that are camping out all day for a phone get protection?

Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said: “Individuals alert to their surroundings are less likely to become victims of thefts of iPhones and other hand-held device.”

Yeah but these kidults of the corn that have recently arrived for their playcations here in NYC still think they are hanging out in front of some strip mall back in Culdesacia, USA where everything is safe and sound. They also like to stand or sit near the train doors with the i-Pads, Pods, and Phones in full display for an easy grab. How about the ones that walk around Bushwick at 2am; drunk and high on booze, drugs and ART ART ART – blasting their favorite Macbook and Casio keyboard bands through their headphones and then WHAM – they get punched in the face and have their i-Shit jacked. That’s when they really really need the police. But when they want to have Obama rallies and OWS gatherings and block streets with their signs and tubas, bongos and banjos - the cops are bad and wrong for taking any kind of action.

All in all, Christmas has come early for a whole bunch of thieves this year.

62 thoughts on “The all new i-Stole 5 has arrived!

  1. You know the sad part? They’d be just as likely to be jacked back in Dogfelcher Falls, too. The difference is that in New York, the mayor expects the police to take care of the playcationers, because without them, the whole real estate boom in Brooklyn ends right then and there. Back in Wisconsin, one of them honking “But that big bad man took my toy!”, the first thing the cop would ask is “And what were you doing when you had it stolen?”

    “Uhhh…I was prancing through the mall parking lot…”

    “Were you watching your surroundings?”

    “Uhhhhh…yah, well, I was watching a video…”

    “So you didn’t see who stole it.”

    “Well, it was dark…look, just find it! I need my bankie! Get it or I’m telling my Dad!”

    And I wish I were kidding about this. That’s pretty much verbatim for a little interlude I heard a couple of years back with a scarecrow who left his bike unlocked at a Half Price Books, and came out two hours later to find it gone. Naturally, it was the cop’s fault that someone walked off with it.

  2. I’ve seen the attitude that the children of the corn have towards any authority that doesn’t wear Buddy Holly glasses. They will just nasally honk “like yah, the NYPD are just a bunch of ignorant locals who are jealous of our youth and uncomfortable around creative people. I’m a South Williamsburg based graphic designer and I see the way the meatheads with badges look at me with anger.” Can you imagine how annoying it has to be for cops to get stuck having to babysit these kidults, just because they have zero street smarts and are walking vics? I’m sure they’d rather be addressing real crime and assisting real victims instead of hearing Parker honking that his fixie was stolen – yes he didn’t lock it up when he went into Ironic Ethan’s Soy Latte Collective, but he was only going to be 2 minutes. What, Monroe was sitting on the C with his mac book in his lap and it got snatched as the doors closed? “well that’s not fair AT ALL”. Harrison got smacked cause he was taking photos of guys hanging on the corner in front of the bodega at 3am? “That was very mean – I just wanted to post it on my urban adventure blog”. And so the cops have to roll deep in gentrified neighborhoods to protect the trust fund money train.

    Listen hipsters, we get it – you aren’t hipsters, there’s no such thing, etc. etc. But if you cared half as much about New York as you pretend to, why don’t you prove it by doing something that would give the city what it most needs; 1) lowering the demand for apartments in once non-gentrified areas, and 2) allowing the cops to focus on helping people who deal with real crime.

    How can you do this? It’s simple – just go home already.

    • What’s irritating is when these artisanal windsocks come home to the ‘burbs the holidays for their annual staycation fundraiser/ PBS style-Beg-athon (SEE? I wrote the dedication! I am sooo making progress on my book! I need 75K for more research!”)

      Not only do they sneer and look down on normal people and generally conduct themselves with the civility of a (locally sourced) baboon in heat, but they expect the same
      fawning attention they get back in the big ol’ city.

      Imagine the shock (and amusement, on my part) when everyone – from the infants, the pizza guy to the mall security guards laugh at them and tell the to go perform an impossible s*xual act.

      So last Christmas season I’m out doing some shopping. My car is parked about 20 feet away from an Apple Store which resembled a Tokyo subway car at rush hour.

      Beardo and his squeeze – whose body type could only be described as “Smithfield ham” -wearing Santa caps 32 foot long scarves, skipped out of the Apple store. Each one had several Apple bags and boxes in tow. The walked up to what i assume was Daddy’s Lexus RX330 and unceremoniously dumped the stuff in the back seat. They walk off.

      I’m still in the car, speaking to my wife about the gift list when a mini van pulls up behind Beardo’s Lexus. Another beardo gets out, looks in the back seat, takes all the Apple stuff and quietly leaves.

      Beardo and canklestein return. They notice they’re stuff is gone. The commotion and demand for attention made Ruprecht the Monkey boy’s antics appear restrained by comparison.

      I get out and walk toward them. This is not a show to be missed.

      They run into the Apple store. The manager calls the cops. They show up and start asking questions. Apparently two new laptops were among the things stolen.

      The cop asked, “did you lock you car?


      In loud whiny voices,They proceeded to tell the officer that they left the car UNLOCKED with a ton of expensive stuff in the backseat because THEY ONLY HAD TO LEAVE FOR A FEW MINUTES. WHAT DO WE DO?

      The cop, having heard enough to make his ears bleed, cut them off and told them, “go buy more stuff and go home”.

      • I love a story with a happy ending.

        The cops hear this same story over and over, in different forms – the hipsters that threw their new I-products into the back seat of their car, where it’s in plain view of everyone walking by, the hipster that gets his shit jacked while strolling in Brooklyn in a daze, the Megan that leaves her Mac Book sitting on the table at Starbucks to stand on the bathroom line and comes back – shocked to see it gone, the Caleb mesmerized by his iphone game on the A train at 3am who gets it snatched as the doors close. They all have the same thing in common; complete lack of street smarts/awareness and the attitude that you don’t protect your valuable shit when you’ve never had to work to earn it.

        • We need to invent a lanyard – artisanally made and locally sourced, of course – that attaches the phone to their necks.

          You can visualize the rest.

      • Beautiful. Beardo on Beardo crime makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Why can’t these people win the Darwin Awards? They’ve already proven themselves to be stupid enough.

        • The Darwin Awards disqualify anyone who is professional prey. No challenge whatsoever for predators; hips are like hors d’ouvers to any life form more advanced than pond slime.

          • Point taken. Also +1 for:
            ” hips are like hors d’ouvers to any life form more advanced than pond slime. ”

            I have to use that one. :-)

    • i know these fucks are suburban nitwits. They’re not rural folk. When the vast majority of households out in the country, where there’s not exactly a glut of humans wandering around except during planting or sowing seasons, are smart enough to have, at the very least, a loaded shotgun for anyone dumb enough to risk dieing of a sucking chest wound, and you compare that to the hipster who chooses to walk around any are of NYC at night stoned out of their pointy little heads; that’s all the evidence I need to know they’re dumber than dirt and grew up near a white picket fence.

      The arrogance on their part that they should not have to exercise caution as everyone else does, is beyond astoundingly sad to me. Of course, I think about how it will probably kill them prematurely and then I’m suddenly quite happy. Maybe there really is an upside to their stupidity.

  3. The thieves must get a kick out of the pictures on the stolen Iphones – “yo, check this out. They playing kickball! We haven’t played that since the 4th grade”

  4. L train this morning: Josh is with Megan the canklesaurus. They both have red hair. Josh has gross long curly hair ala Weird Al, a nasty beard, thickest glasses I’ve seen in a while, the physique of Jack Skellington, a cruddy hoody with cat hairs on it, shitty old Red Converses.
    Megan coos to him how good he looks, “very stylish” this morning. Me, I’m watching with the same
    horror as seeing a train wreck in motion…When Josh opens his mouth to speak, he’s got that
    incredible gay sounding beta voice that usually comes out of drag queens or pansies. By comparison, Megan’s voice is ten times more masculine. True story…what the hell is it with these people?

    • These are the same useless gentrifying fucks that find Matthew Silver the Kidult quirky and creative.

    • I guess it’s better then cooing to Josh that he is “very stinky” this morning.

    • It’s so disgusting…truly. I’m tellin ya it’s a trend that needs to die already..the behavior the weirdness that whole irony bullshit…it’s all for attention.

  5. Hipsters are just soft weak targets that don’t fight back. Like taking candy from a baby. I don’t encourage theft because I hate thieves more than these douches with i-phones.

    • They’re also easy targets because they’re plain stupid. Let’s not forget that.

      • Seriously, the same old story yet they still walk around as if they are still in their little town. Is it that hard for them to grasp that New York isn’t quite the Disneyland that they were expecting?

    • Todd stop ego stroking yourself and get the fuck outa here

  6. Hipster Syllogism:
    Major Premise: All Hipsters have i-phones.
    Minor Premise: 75 year-old grandmother has an i-phone.
    Conclusion: 75 year-old grandmother is a hipster.

    Let’s apply that logic to other areas to test its veracity.

    Major Premise: All hipsters live on earth.
    Minor Premise: All hipster haters live on earth.
    Conclusion: All hipster haters are hipsters.

    How about this one?
    Major Premise: I would love to cross-check emaciated, concave-chested, scarf-wearing-in August, cruelty-free coffee drinking adult fingerpainters.
    Minor Premise: Many hipsters are emaciated, concave-chested, scarf-wearing-in August, cruelty-free coffee drinking adult fingerpainters are hipsters.
    Conclusion: I would love to cross-check many hipsters!

  7. Oops, forgot to edit my minor premise. Mea culpa.

  8. As much as I hate criminals…

    If you prance down the street vacuously staring at an iToy while wearing a scarf and a wool hat in the middle of summer you practically deserve being jumped.

    Victims by choice.

    These people are spoiled, obnoxious, repulsive disaffected arrested development fuckwads. I have no sympathy. NONE.

  9. Fuck’m they deserve to get jacked. Fuckin fools don’t know there’s a code to the streets out here, theres a reason why Jay Z said the streets are watchin.

    • And their uniforms and actions paint a gigantic bullseye on their back, even moreso than the tourist vics. The hipster persona just screams “PREY.”

  10. Hey all fans… notice there are almost 1000 followers to DH that’s an entire legion! Time to mobolize or at least celebrate! P.S. what ever happened to all the douchebag threats of shutting down this site. I guess they were wrong!

    • That’s all they were: threats. Idle, vague, passive-aggressive threats by big babies who had no other reason to shut it down other than “It’s making fun of me.” The nearly universal response from any real authority, if the hipster apologists actually followed through: “Tell it to the Marines.” The response from the Marines: “Fuck off, you little wuss. Oh, and wash your face. You’re so dirty that you look like you’re trying to grow a beard.”

    • They got mugged and lost their ipads.

    • Empty threats are just that – empty.

      Like the douchebag who sat at the drive-thru ATM with 4 cars behind him while he was fucking with his iToy – probably Twitting his pals that his monthly stipend from The Bank of Mom ‘n’ Dad was now on deposit, meaning Happy Hour was nigh. I got out of my car, which was Number 4, walked up on his sorry ass and started haranguing him about wasting the time of the people behind him. He screwed up his face and said that if I didn’t stop yelling at him, he’d call the cops. When I asked what for, he stuttered for a couple of seconds before saying ” Battery. For spitting on me. You’ve been yelling at me, and because of your yelling your spit has touched me.” I told him to call the police and see what THEY had to say about that, then let him know in no uncertain terms that if he were to carry on with his bullshit any longer I would be the one siccing the cops on HIM for battery, that being the unwanted contact of his blood on my person. “Unlike you, Waldo, I’m not fucking around, here. Scram.” And scram he did, post-haste.

      Empty threats. Talk is cheap. And internet threats are cowardly and pointless.

      • You know, it would have almost been worth it for Joshy to place a 911 call so that the cops could arrest him for filing a false complaint and abusing the system. Oh, to be a fly on the wall when they tossed his emaciated ass into a holding cell – I envision the scene in “Jaws” when Roy Scheider was throwing chum into the water to lure the shark.

      • Oh Robe buddy, you just put a smile on a face I thought might be set to ‘perpetual scowl’ for awhile. ^5..I’m glad he didn’t back talk you. Not because he would’ve been spitting teeth on the ground but the trivial annoyance it might’ve cause you. One day little birds like that have to realize when the hawk says he’s gonna break your beak, he’s not kidding and he’ll do it before you get to honk about cops or daddy’s lawyer.

  11. I suspect it won’t be long before South Brooklyn subways and street gets special hipster Amber Alert signs. They won’t be electronic since they’ll all say the same thing 24/7:


  12. It doesnt matter where the f*ck you are. Whether in NYC or in the sticks of Indiana, if you’re a scrawny 5’1″ weakling that dresses like a fruit cake (or most women for that matter), and you’re waving around your iToy around hooligans, you WILL get bitch-slapped and robbed. Bottom line.

    It happened to me twice in Fort Greene while I was in High School in 1994 and 1996. But I was like 90 pounds back then. Nowadays, I strut around any hood with a very expensive camera setup hanging around my neck, while I play angry birds on my phone and no one has ever fucked with me, even when I’m rollin’ dolo. Why? Because I’m 6’3″, 230 and I don’t wear skinny jeans.

    F*ckin panzees.

  13. That’s funny NY cops blaming hipsters.

  14. Calling 911 will not fix the situation at hand. I give the NYPD all props. But you can’t cure stupidity. And we are talking about stupid hipsters. The only cure for that is more beatings.

  15. The evolution of the hippie video on youtube perfectly explained the characteristics that can be seen in a hipster:

    1) Beard of the caveman
    2) Arrogance of Socrates
    3) Irony of the beatnik
    4) Wealth of the yuppie
    5) Stink of the hippy

    Seriously, where the fuck are these motherfuckers known as hipsters coming from? It seems that they want to revive the awful fashion and pop culture of the 80s. Fuck that shit. An old friend of mine’s told me he went to visit the college we both graduated from and I was shocked to hear from him that nearly EVERY student is now dressed up like a hipster- skinny jeans, v necks, beards etc…. Fucking hell, when I went to college no one, and I mean NO ONE, dressed like these faggot motherfuckers.

    I miss the days, when people used dress up smart, when there used to be REAL hip hop and R&B music on MTV Base, real rock music and real bands, when there was none of this teenage hipster techno shit that we see everyday.


  16. Blaming Apple for a crime spike is about as lame as the UK media blaming “rich people” for chavs rioting and smashing storefronts.

  17. Dear Hipsters,

    You wanted a battle so here ya go gentrifiers….

    Best regards,
    The rest of us

  18. Actually, it was stated that when you don’t include these stolen iPhone reports crime is actually at a steady level. Leave it to the clueless asshole hipsters to create a new problem for us and law enforcement.

  19. Look at this crazy fucking video. Iphone users in NYC make me vomit.

  20. This just happened: a bartender here in Cincinnati said a Zooey asked ” Do you have anything cold?” and before she could answer the Zooey said ” Pinot Grigio, that’s red,right” then asked ” do you have a pbr? What does that taste like?” which dumbfounded the bartender. Whereupon a patron interjected ” It tastes like smirking hipsterism and latent shame!”

  21. IPhone 5 is nice. One thing i never got from these try hards, is they love google. So google has a browser called google chrome, and its an amazing smartphone browser that’s very innovative. Not really mainstreamed and highly functional on android os devices. If they are so anti consumer sheep, why is this free browser over looked?

    • I detest ware and platform wars almost as much as I dislike the people who have them so I’ll just say this…you should do a little more research on Google’s privacy policies. Does it win against FF for least bloated? Maybe. But one man’s bloat is another man’s ‘must have’. I think in some ways, at least as far as the PR goes, Google Inc *wants* to be percieved as concerned about privacy issues for users and do not want to be seen as a monolithic, over-arching giant like MS was in the 90′s but I also think shit in one hand and wish in the other and what do you have?

    • Because it sucks?

    • And because it’s been attempting to mainstream for two years plus on the desktop. Also, it makes your device an extension of Google. And it’s S L O W. It’s also a resource hog on any platform. Enjoy accidental stack smashing and buffer overflows? Get Chrome.
      [Getting more coffee now. The non-artisinal, unfair traded variety. Delicious.]

  22. DH wrote: ” [...] and pay $4.85 for a coffee.”

    I would pay $4.85 for a quality cup of Joe -way before drinking Maxwell House.

    And another thing, I do not want “fair traded” coffee – honestly, those are fightin words to Cubans. I would rather have unfairly traded coffee. The same thing goes for “non profit coffee”. I do not buy unprofitable products -i want coffee that was profited off of.

    As far as coffee labeled “organic”. Organic is going to be better quality then any Macwell House is, but, not every plantation follows protocols to be considered organic. Some products are phony. Coffee is an interesting plant. Definately learn to avoid bad beans.

    And if coffee is advertised “Artisianal” then it is probably a bad hipster brew that gives people headaches.

  23. And I live in the suburb of all suburbs. Your stuff will still get stolen out here (if you leave it out), so why do you expect it to be safe anywhere else?

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