Lewis/Clark, Abbott/Costello, Laurel/Hardy, Martin/Lewis, Lennon/McCartney, Jagger/Richards. Were these great duos introduced to each other like two snot-nosed, zero-life experience toddlers? Or what about yourself: How have you met people in your life?
What kind of Romper Room, Candy Land, kidults on anti-depressants bullshit is this? Even though these posters go back a couple of years – what difference does it make? It’s all relevant. Let me guess; this would be classified as like, like, like interactive art? Like yah! I like got it! ART ART ART! Meeting new people in the new “nabe”! YAH!
I can just imagine seeing two transient ‘Brooklyn-based’ pioneers stopping to interact with this fucking poster. First Harrison – on his way back from the organic market – with a $48.00 bag of hydroponic rooftop shallots and a roasted quail, Spin Doctor beard, condom width jeans, and 1928 tap dancing shoes stopping to take a picture for his one of a kind street art blog. Then placing his beard stroking hand on it and slowly turning around to see who is looking. Then, whadduya know – here comes offbeat Ursula; the 18 month Brooklyn veteran cruising down the street on her rusty Schwinn (just not in the bike lane she fought for) in her clay stained granny dress from her pottery making hobby job; gleaming and glowing because just as she finished making her last hand-crafted ashtray for the day she heard the mailman delivering her monthly gentrification allowance in the hallway. She sees Harrison with his hand on the poster and sees this as a narcissistic opportunity to be seen doing something zany in public. Harrison swings his greasy hair over a portion of his unique thick framed glasses to make it seem like he doesn’t see Ursula coming. Suddenly a hand with a never before seen black star tattoo on the wrist appears beside his; a connection is made. They are no longer strangers in this theme park Brooklyn they temporarily call home. After a few minutes, they realize they actually both live on the same street in buildings they recently chased a few hard-working families out of by naively paying triple the rent that the apartment is actually worth simply to be able to nasally honk out their zipcodes to other transplants. Now they sit like zombies in pretentious cafes all day – staring at their Macs; whimsically eat ethnic fusion food from food trucks run by skeletal hayseeds; and take magical expeditions and tours of mysterious neighborhoods that have been inhabited by normal people for a couple hundred years that must evacuate soon to make way for urban fucking farming fingerpainting bitch asses.
This poster really is a good example of how these try-hard invaders are in suspended childhood.
Couldn’t have said it any better myself.
Same here. Nice description in narrative; strong rhetoric.
Well put. And you didn’t have to major in post post modern semiotic literature art irony to say it right!
wow that NY Times article made me sick! “no self respecting new yorker visits the statue of liberty” GTF outta here! how about those of use whose grandparents emigrated from other countries?
OMFG…. as someone who was sworn in as a citizen here in NY in the 90′s, that statue means the world to me… how dare these assholes dismiss it like that!???? FUCK THEM. Seriously, fuck them up the ass with a blow torch. That statue, even though it was a gift from the French over a century ago, still symbolizes a **fuckton** of sacrifice and hard work of generations past and present who STRIVE to make it in this country and city. What do these assholes know of any of these things?????? :::RAGE!!!:::
seriously….i am done with the NY Times for publishing garbage like this.
Just change “Maximum Security Prison” to “Maximum Security Adult Romper Room” (and cardboard tube fights instead of actual wrestling) and it’s accurate.
A “self respecting New Yorker” to the NYT is a snot nosed transplant just like 95.99% of their staff. I could barely even get past the photo at that link. So fine, when you go to the Statue of Liberty you won’t be surrounded by pretentious sorts of people there pictured. I mean, look at them. Keep. Them. Away.
Then there’s this: “Next came the storefront churches of East New York, a garage sale that included baby strollers, television remotes and an empty fish tank in Ozone Park, and, nearby, a stop at a combination bar-bowling alley.” That’s supposed to be exotic? Are these people perennially on some kind of vacation or walking tour through life inside their minds?
“Are these people perennially on some kind of vacation or walking tour through life inside their minds?”
Yes I really believe they are. I also believe that they narrate all of their lame adventures inside thier heads in a very pretentious version of an Edward Murrow voice, like them walking past a combination bar bowling alley (outside of a few dry counties in the south don’t ALL bowling alleys have bars??) is the single most important sociological experiment in the history of mankind. I also believe this is why they document every single thing they do. Because they honestly believe that they will be the sole source of information for future generations to learn about “our” (hipsters’) culture in this time and place in history. If they don’t snap a pic of everything they overpay to eat and put an old timey filter on it and post it on their blog that only their mom and sister-in-law reads and take a video of Caleb and Zebediah’s quirkey steam-punkish mid-afternoon unicycle joust and write a terrible poem about the correlation between the number of PBRs they drank and the number of joshes they bagged, then how will future humans know how cool they were?
Because, you know, they’re so advanced and everything. That’s why the people in our time don’t get them. The people of the future wil be amazed at how progressively retro and aggressively casual they all were.
Delusion is more like it. We had the real Brooklyn experience – being raised there, and having the city mould us into what we are today.
This delusion is an interpretation of what they think urban life is. When i was a kid people were constantly cleaning graffiti off walls and trains. Now it’s cool to eat an expensive dinner in a graffiti covered crack house.
All the mothers on my block were constantly sweeping or hosing off the sidewalks. these a*8holes love trash.
Their idea of life in Brooklyn came from watching “Welcome Back Kotter” and Saturday Night Fever”.
“Any self-respecting New Yorker doesn’t go to the Statue of Liberty,” said Adam Olson, 29, a graphic designer from Williamsburg, who participated in his second walk on Sunday. This, he said, was the only sightseeing suitable for a local. WHAT AN ASSHOLE.
Well, if he’s such a local, then why is he participating in this zany whimsical tour? As someone who was born here and lived here most of my life, I’ve walked and worked in and around most of those places and never needed a zany tour. Nor did I feel the need to contact the NYT to do an article about it.
I wonder how long he’s been considering himself a local. From all the way back in 2008 the minute he parked his U-Haul that he drove in from Flyoverlandia?
C’mon ..you really can’t compare a skyscraper sized-copper statue/engineering marvel that is a beacon of freedom to the entire planet with getting a ride in a shopping cart in a gritty ethnic neighborhood. The shopping cart is wayyyyy cooler like yah!
That comment to me is infuriating. My great grandparents came to America (and NY) in 1925, My parents born if 1940 and 45 and I spent a good number of years being a tour guide to the Statue of Liberty,
That is one amazing statue. I also took people to Ellis Island when it opened up. I was never bored by both of these amazing places, Between the two, the only word I can come up with is respect. Most people think of the statue and what she represents and have a feeling of pride, knowing this amazing piece of art should sum up what your homeland is about. Not our Adam. Adam thinks shitty shit spots are cool. Adam is bored. Adam will guaranteed be married to a Lindsay in a few years and have 3 kids and a house in the slope. He will rally for the bike lanes and will rally against bars not being toddler friendly. He will love the diversity of his little Josh’s school but not invite the Arabic kids to Josh’s birthday party, He likes them but doesn’t want to rock the boat. Lindsay cannot drink chardonnay with Mohamed’s Mom. Mohamed’s mom does not drink. Josh’s mom does not stop drinking…oh shit.. I have a story to go write,,,,!
You know what’s funny? I always try and test the stereotypes on this site just to make sure, and I’m never disappointed! A quick internet search yields us
“Adam K. Olson – New York _BASED_ Graphic Designer”
Linked in says … guess… guess where he went to school before moving here….
Michigan State!
But go on and keep respecting yourself Adam!
LOL!!!! Good work!
I wonder if he actually said ‘organic metal’ with a straight face ( in reference to the whole foods shopping cart ).
To quote Bugs Bunny: “What a MAROON!!
Adam Olson, ‘graphic designer from Williamsburg’.
They’ve really got to stop using ‘from’ when they mean ‘transplant pretending to be a New Yorker while staycationing in Niew Breukelein and interning part time’
If you went to elementary school out here, or were in scouts, you get to go to all the landmark places young, so I feel okay about not having gone back now that I’m old… sept the Museum of Natural History, its free, and sitting under a giant plastic whale is timeless fun.
OMG! That was totally me! OMG I’m famous!
Mark Triant, 29, found an abandoned Whole Foods shopping cart on the curb along the Bowery. “It’s all organic metal,” he said.
the fuck does that mean
i wish these assholes would take a detour through brownsville at night!!
I know you’re talking about Brownsville in Brooklyn, but it would also be perfectly acceptable to drop them off in Brownsville, Texas. One quirky/zany adventure over the border into matamoros and they’re propert of the Gulf Cartel. The Gulf Cartel will do things to them that would make the hipster beater seem downright humane.
I’d have a welcome reception committee waiting for them if they landed in Anacostia. Featuring a swim in the Anacostia River after the ironic iconic mugging. Day or night.
Brownsville, TX Hipster Beating:
Today I saw Austin from Austin locking up his tall bike to a mailbox with a U-lock. I thought about doing something clever to him… but I’m a Mexican drug trafficker, and I don’t have time for that shit so I just shot a grenade at him and then stapled his arms to the outside of a piggly wiggly and mounted his head on top of my Camaro. Fin de la historia.
The article said they walked through East New York….. I’m surprised they didn’t get robbed at the least.
I don’t think there are any actual bad neighborhoods left in the city. The takeover is nearly complete. Nothing will stop them until the entire city — including Staten Island – becomes a huge, open-air, car-free, outdoor yoga, and cruelty free, artisinal, local organic grazing pen for bearded, tattooed, stupid hat wearing clueless transplants.
I feel for you and other natives. From an outsider’s standpoint it looks like they (Bloomberg or more specifically, the big money behind him) are doing everything in their power to wipe out any and all traces of authentic NYC culture and send it all down the memory hole. If I were wearing my “Tinfoil Hat”, I would say NYC is a “Test Run” for what they want to do to the rest of America’s cities (one big strip mall) and people (turn them into fanatical consumers and statists, i.e. hipsters). It’s like some bizarre twist on “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”.
It was pretty bad news, imho, when it broke that JP Morgan ‘donated’ millions of dollars to the NYPD, under Bloomie’s sanitizing watch. When a private corp like that starts buying the cops with such wholesale arrogance, look out!
So much for ‘Mean Streets’…now it will be “100% Organic Streets”
That definitely IS bad news. Damn.
It means he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I could be wrong, but if my memory (middle & high school science class) is correct, organic refers to carbon based which means it’s ultimately derived from plant or animal matter.
Ha, I read that name as ” Mark Taint”.
Brings to mind that old saying, something about wise men keeping their thoughts to themselves while fools speak all that is on their mind. Sounds like there are a bunch of fools walking around NYC these days, especially on this walking tour.
“spin doctor beards”….”skeletal hayseeds”…” fucking farming fingerpainting bitch asses.”…
another DH classic rant
Haha – yes! And “1928 tapdance shoes” made me laugh, too. This is fantastic. Not a Brooklynite, but born and raised in Manhattan, now Queens…should I tell you all I lived in Brooklyn for 2 years? Haha. Native all the way.
http://replacementhipsters.tumblr.com/
“Replacement Hipsters is a picture blog featuring snapshots of elderly people with their fashion sense born of a genuine “I could care less what you think” attitude that younger people pay to have dictated to them. And there’s nothing more fashionable than a genuine attitude.”
Ah, a generation raised to behave with self-respect, self-restraint, and actual manners while in public. Also raised to consider their appearance to the best of their ability.
I dig the old dudes canes and walking sticks. They are great tools for creating distance from others as well. I would love to see a pic of an old man or woman very subtley sticking their end of their cane into some fixie spokes or in front of the toes of some trustafarian douche.
“Oh, sorry Sonny. Didn’t mean for you to break your fall with your teeth.”
Hi FUWI, I’m an old fart who walks with a rib cage high sourwood walking staff that has saved me from muggings and general disrespect in my genteel old age. When street punks notice that the graybeard carrys the stick but doesn’t lean on it they look for less dangerous game. Smart boys, the stick weighs 2lbs and is hard as woodpecker lips.
INFLICT H.B.H. AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY!
I’m happy to hear that 4finger. Though it may not have been all that long ago, but seems like it, I saw a pretty mature guy use a staff, ( sharpen one end and you get a spear, for FREE lol ), with deadly accuracy and speed. Nothing fancy but very realistic actually. It was very impressive. The old walking sticks, a bit shorter like canes, back in the 1800′s I think served dual/duel purposes as well for gentlemen. I’m glad you’ve got it to use, but would rather hope you go on about your life with no interruptions from thugs and wannabe’s. Age and experience have a way of besting those who make too many assumptions on appearance alone.
Some of the better 18th century canes featured a blade of several inches more than a foot, either inside the cane or spring-loaded out the bottom. Great fun at parries, if you get my drift…
Hi, my favorite personal defense weapon from that era was like a sword cane but had a fabric and rubber rod inside. It would have had the impact of a sjambok.
Thank you FUWI, it’s mostly been used as a deterrant though I do know how to whip it around when the situation calls for it. I use my brain so I don’t have to use violence unless absolutely necessary. And I always heard the saying ” Youth and strength will never defeat old age and treachery”. Also when an apparent weak victim turns and stands his ground it’s kind of like a chipmunk going for your throat, what the fuck are you going to do?
These elderly people are a million times better put together than some slovenly hipster.
Not sure this Tumblr catalogue is not tinged with an Ironic Hipster subterfuge… All of shots are taken of elderly people in Inner city neighbourhoods of Dublin – Ireland, neighbourhoods that to a greater extend gentrified and a lesser extend hipstfested. Still nice to see some elderly elegance in the Fair City.
They are elegant indeed. I’m glad I’ll be long gone by the time the crops of hipster freaks live that long.
Place one interloping douchebag’s hand here and the other nasal honking shitbag’s hand there. Now I will firmly and rapidly place my fist into their jaws. Let’s add some red to this work of art.
I have one phrase for you: “contact-sensitive adhesive”. Print the poster on Tyvek or some other material that doesn’t rip, and watch the fun. Watching one beardo desperately trying to multitask between crying about your punches, getting his hand free, and trying to post photos of the beating on Facebook…well, that’s entertaining enough. Watching two of them do that is like watching a chicken with its legs cut off: they flop around a lot, but don’t really go anywhere.
Place your penis here. Have stranger place penis here. Remove penii when you’re no longer strangers.
I think my head exploded when I saw the term ‘urban hike’
http://www.linkedin.com/in/triant
What the holy hell is a fucking “Solution Architect?
He’s an architect like George Costanza was an architect.
Time to play count the cliches with this article. See how many you can find:
http://www.salon.com/2012/01/16/escape_to_the_red_states/
“an occasional poet and part-time barista” and civil rights lawyer, move from Portland to “a red state” to become “volunteer farmers?”
This can’t be real. The author of the article, “is currently working on a manuscript of poems about grief” (!).
Oh, it’s real, all right. I’m just waiting for his Kickstarter campaign to finance his collection, because he’ll refuse to accept that there simply isn’t a market for shitty poetry.
it’s a publishing software company. Judging by this d*8che’s title, he’s probably a sales consultant. “Solutions Architect” is to this as “sandiwch artist” is to “counter help”.
Still – is this the picture you want posted – the third place shot of you from the Ming The
Merciless costume contest from a 1994 comic convention?
Doesn’t say much about your decision making skills.
lol he’s the “Jared” of sad poetry
Grief – “The Underrated Emotion”
“Alex Gallo-Brown’s essays have appeared in Bookslut, The Rumpus, The Brooklyn Rail, and The Collagist, among other publications.” What kind of bullshit rags are those? Never heard of them.
Bookslut has been around for a while, but it’s one of those sites that will take crap from anybody. It used to be quite the favorite among the people who worked for Borders for 15 years because they somehow thought it would give them an “in” with the publishing business. You know, like how working at a toy store in the action figure aisle makes you an authority on the movie merchandising industry. And a little tip from someone who used to write professionally but came to his senses and got the hell out before the crash: “among other publications” usually means “zines that put out maybe two issues before the editor/publisher disappeared, and which had a total non-contributor circulation of about 15.”
Leroy, you may remember my post a while back about our local Borders closing its doors.
I am happy to inform you that after almost a year, the property has been subdivided
into a Dunkin’ Donuts, pizza shop, dry cleaners and a Subways.
Oh good – a high-tech business park!
“After the conversation turns to politics, Mark expresses regret about John McCain’s recent electoral defeat, while Lindsay professes to liking Ron Paul. Neither has even heard of our favored choice, Dennis Kucinich.
We swerve away from political talk. After we discover Mark has suffered a recent death in his family, as I have in mine, we talk grief, loss and the protracted process of healing. After Lindsay reports she went to an inner-city public high school, as I did, we talk race, class and the supreme relativity of privilege. After we learn Mark loves photography, as does Jenne, we talk cameras, composition and the criticality of self-expression.”
i puked
Here’s an overinflated job title: Landscape Maintenance Systems Operator (i.e. mowing lawns) not that any Hiptard would get anywhere near one much less know how to operate it.
Yeah man, I know. My dealer calls himself a Psychoactive Cellulose Distribution Facilitator.
I love that part of the title of his thesis is “The Problem with Realism”. Pretty much sums it up.
2 MORE DAYS UNTIL I-APOCALYPSE
YOU CAN EXPECT LOTS AN LOTS OF NEW ENTRIES TO “THE I-STOLE REPORT” SECTION OF THIS BLOG IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE
This is all so predictable. I was LMAO when they mentioned that the victim was visiting from Sonoma, CA.
ONLY A FEW MORE HOURS UNTIL CHRISTMAS EVE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.
OH HOW I WISH I WAS A JUVENILE RIGHT NOW.
I AM WILLING TO BET EVEN THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOLERS ARE GOING TO GET IN ON THIS ACTION TOO.
NYC. DC.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE TO EVERYONE!!!!!
That’s a building in Bed-Stuy? Man, things have really changed. That gate works more like a staging spot for getting robbed than for protection. The whiny tenant is annoying to listen to.
Hey, it happens daily on the DC Metro (a.k.a. Congress’ toy train set), Metro cops hardly bother to take reports any more cuz it’s so routine. Unfortunately MPD is stuck with the whining marks and the futile paperwork. They’ll have to change the Word template from “iPhone 4″ to “iPhone 5″ tonight. Merry Christmas…
excellent rant. “condom width jeans”. sublime.
replacement hipsters was the bomb.
you nailed this one DH
The sign should have outlines of a fist and a bearded face. The caption should read, “DO NOT REMOVE FACE UNTIL BLUNT TRAUMA OCCURS”.
And there goes Bay Ridge…
http://www.brooklynpaper.com/stories/35/38/br_beergarden_2012_09_21_bk.html
That is probably the worst news I heard all year. Or all my life. Comment the hell out of that article!!!!!!!! Please! I just did.
Fuck Fuck Fuck!!!! Now I’m glad I’ve never eaten in Ho-Brah. They better stay the hell out of Bay Ridge.
Besides all your other great comments in the rant the one that rang a bell was that this @sshole hipsters do NOT ride their fixies in the bike lanes. Every time I’m downtown they are like a fucking infestation of locusts. They’re everywhere. Whenever I get the chance I ride up their ass and HONK REAL LOUD. Love to spook them.
Also, I just can’t believe these Midwest Morons are living by the Gowanus Canal. I mean, seriously? Some of you nitwits have kids. DO you have the slightest clue what you are doing to little Poindexter and Zoe’s insides?
You even considered eating at a place called “Ho’Brah Taco Joint”?
Time to resurrect the Red Line map, perhaps make it a permanent image on the home page.
Agreed!
I thought this part was written by the Onion. And a native NY’er is kowtowing to the tastes of Midwestern transplants? Does this bar owner know what kids do in the midwest? Hang out at the local convenience store, smoke weed & drink cheap beer, shoot at road signs and try to finger little Suzy in the cornfield. Wow – that’s something that the big city needs more of…
“A lot of different-looking people have been coming into the Kettle Black and they are definitely not from Bay Ridge,” said Casatelli. “We’re getting people from Nebraska, Ohio, California, and they were all wearing the hipster uniform.”
The indie-music loving youngsters Casatelli spoke with said they moved to Bay Ridge after getting priced out of Williamsburg and Park Slope — and the firefighter turned bar owner says he’s eager to welcome them with open arms.
“I think it’s great,” Casatelli said. “Bay Ridge needed to open its arms a bit. We’ve been a spaghetti and meatball and Irish bar neighborhood forever. Brooklyn’s always changing and there’s room for everybody.”
The Lockyard’s Midwest theme and mid-sized backyard may remind many Brooklyn transplants of home, he says.
Bullsh!t. I’ve lived in Bay Ridge for 25 years and it has more ethnic restaurants of more different nationalities than any neighborhood in the borough, including those above the line. Casatelli needs to get his head out of his butt and look around. Third Avenue alone has Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Thai, Indian, Polish, Russian, French, Italian, Greek, Turkish and a host of others.
And what’s wrong with spaghetti & meatballs and Irish bars anyway? Those are my 2 main food groups!
I look at teh bright side. Either he’s as much of an idiot as he presents himself in this article, and his little beer garden flops in six months. Either that or he’s an absolute genius: it’s a matter of getting the place packed with linguini-arms, closing the gates, and soaking them all down with pepper gas.
Um, I suspect he just decided to Hoover a bunch of cash from the hipsters while he can. He seems like a realist, and the marks are targeted.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, that pissed me off even more than the NY Times article… These fuckers truly are the human equivalent of bedbugs – the moment you catch sight of one of them, it’s all over. If they’re moving into Bay Ridge, then it’s only a matter of time before they’ve colonized Sunset Park and Gravesend too. I’m a non-native, but I couldn’t stand these people when I first started seeing them in the Northwest in the 90s, with their fucking “Look how cool and edgy and artistic and enlightened I am” attitudes. I find them even more intolerable on this side of the country because, combined with the condescension and pretense that irritated me even when I was a teenager and didn’t know there was a word for them, they’re also destroying traditional neighborhoods here, pricing out natives, immigrants and non-natives who actually have to fucking work for a living and actually assimilate instead of trying to change the place and make it more “cool.”
The whole reason these people embrace this “ironic” facade and all that fusion mumbo-jumbo is because they don’t have any fucking culture. The only “culture” they know is their white-picket-fence, cul-de-sac “Babbitt” reenactment of a childhood. I used feel jealous when my classmates talked about their family vacations and lived in big houses that my family couldn’t dream of affording, but looking back, I’m glad I came out of childhood with some of the “authenticity” these gentrifying little shits will never fucking have.
HAH! The only culture they really know is the one that comes back positive.
“The top shelf is where I put my muppets”. Unreal. An exercise in how to be a Kidult.
Nerd boys like this actually put out most of the action figure craptacular movies that infest your local Tenplex nowadays. They actually made a movie out of the Battleship game. What’s next “Slinky, the Metal Returns”?
What in the hell is that? Does this guy have a job? Will he ever bed a female human? Well, as long as he isn’t in the Midwest, I feel like I have done my job.
He probably has a job, or at least he gets one for six months or so in order to pay for his action figures. That’s about the time he quits for a “funemployment” vacation, figuring that he’s going to take his retirement in installments. Oh, it’s going to be a lot of fun in another ten years when he’s fifty, no employer wants to put up with his bullshit any more, and he discovers that his action figures are worth all of their weight in used toilet paper. (An old friend runs a vintage store in the Deep Ellum area of Dallas, and he constantly has dweebs trying to sell off their Star Wars action figures to him. They blow a gasket when he points out that they aren’t valuable because every Cat Piss Man and proto-hipster in the Nineties bought them up and hung onto them, and everybody’s selling and nobody’s buying these days.)
I’d say probably some type of Ruby-on-Rails code monkey. Obviously has some OCD/Asperger’s issues which can be useful in software development, but he’s not really intelligent or creative enough to be really scientific about it.
Most propellor heads that I know would never, ever consider a RoR guy or gal actually involved in ANY kind of s/w dev LOL Firmware? Check. They probably can at least to binary math. SWE? These are the C/C++, Java, Obj C, Lisp etc folks…they can swing comfortably between low level and high level design. Most high level web monkey’s are totally lost when they get seriously under the hood, and I’d consider a Ruby dude more of a scripter than a programmer. Scripting languages are not typically tools used for serious software dev because they weren’t built for it to begin with. Very front end user stuff….
What got me was his “wall of fame” the moment people walked into the apartment. The only people I’ve ever met who emphasized their appearances in the newspaper and on television, instead of just hiding it in an office or bedroom, were always diehard narcissists who had absolutely NOTHING to say of any import.
Astute observation and I noticed it as well. One of the papers appears to say “Flushing man is king of Simpsons collectibles.” That is the LAM attitutde these hipsters have, they want to be noticed, but this sort of “reporting” is just to make everyone feel better about themselves – “hey, at least I’m not this guy with the Simpsons collection.” Kind of like the show Hoarders. But as you know, the collection of mass market crap isn’t really an achievement, it is just trading money for something. Big deal. Real accomplishments are those like mine – “Hipster population in Fargo down 78%; Hipster population in Akron plummets as hero ships them to Brooklyn; Omaha hipster population plunges thanks to Chicago based business.” If you guys can come up with $3 million to cover my retainer plus my $2000 an hour fee, I will gladly bring my talents to Brooklyn and start moving the hipster herd down to Baltimore or Asheville.
That reminds me of a guy I know who still, twenty years later, makes note in public that the LA Times referred to him as “the world’s leading Trekspert” because of his obsessive knowledge of Star Trek. Well, he still calls himself that. Everyone else calls him “the Al Bundy of fandom”.
I think it’s worth distinguish genuine eccentrics from hipster attention seekers. Some people who obsessively collect things or immerse themselves in offbeat topics are people with Asperger’s syndrome, etc.
Ohhh you are so right. He might not be a hipster, just someone who obsessively collects things (dealing w/ Asperger’s Syndrome)…very true…hipster pad would be more filthy perhaps, with more ‘nods’ to every era they rob from (psychedelica, 70′s, all things vintage and or handmade blabla)
The toy guy in Williamsburg strikes me as more of a hipster, but the Star Trek expert sounds more like someone with an autism-spectrum disorder such as Asperger’s. I can’t say for certain – it’s just a guess.
Right, I don’t think he’s precisely a hipster. Battlestar Galactica, for example, is not at all cool, even in an ironic way. Neither is Star Wars. This guy is certainly just as annoying as a hipster, but he’s more of an anal-retentive geek who fills the hole in his soul in with action figures, and probably read that Brooklyn was the place to be if you need an ego boost (obviously not in so many words) on some web design blog.
Hey, easy now… I live in Baltimore. We have enough of a hard time keeping all our bearded fucksticks corralled into Hampden, Charles Village and Federal Hill; we don’t need any more Carrol County imports who wear flannel shirts in August, and try to act like extras from “The Wire” as they buy shitty $12 banh mi sandwiches from some frumpy white Meghan’s food truck.
No thsnks. We get enough of those dicks every four years.
Gumby just listed himself with every crackhead burglar in the world. Brilliant…
I wonder how his roommates feel about this douchebag taking over their entire apartment starting with the entryway ME ME ME Wall Of Narcissism and then with all his toys?
That nasally voiced jerkoff needs to be punched in the face over and over and over til he packs it in and goes home. Home, as in his mom’s house in Pennsylhiowasota.
They’ll put up with it so long as the rent checks clear and he doesn’t spread his shit all over the entire apartment. The moment he comes to them and mumbles “um, yeah, I was hoping you could spot me for my share of the rent? ‘cuz, like, I came across this mint-on-card figure that was only released in Japan? And if I didn’t get it, it was going to be sold to some little kid?”, his ass is out of there. (As it is, I suspect he’ll last about as long as a proto-hipster roommate I had back in the Eighties, whose idea of taking care of groceries was eating everything in the apartment, and then purchasing things from Whole Foods that only he’d eat and claiming “I’m putting in my share.”)
Your proto hipster roommate sounds awful familiar. I posted months ago about an indirect, from me, situation of an old hipster f-ing over a disabled veteran we knew. He’d do the same shit. He’d eat all vets pricey meats and foods and replace it with a few ‘organic’ veggies and a can of beans, maybe some thin, cheap pork chops all while busting up the cookware that wasn’t his. 50 year old skater, maker faire ‘star’, into the IRS for thousands in unpaid taxes ( which he blamed on his former employer for ‘not reminding him’ to pay his taxes even though most adult subcontractors understand that’s part of the being a subcontractor ), into his ex-girlfriends daddy for 5g’s, his brother for 3G’s to rescue him from homelessness in Hawaii and get him back to the mainland ( who he refused to pay because,”…it’s not like he needs the money that bad anyway.” ), and couldn’t hold a job because within 2 months he was already telling the owners and his bosses that he knew how to do everything and they should listen to HIM if they wanted their business to ‘get better’ etc etc etc before also suddenly erupting as a suicidal alcoholic and expecting the disabled guy to contend with his shit, and then finally busting the lease and leaving our vet friend holding the bag on a lease with 10 more months to it. Douchebag loser candy ass who never stayed in one place for long. By the time he left, the vet had lost 20lbs from the stress of living with him, not to mention their own ghosts and health issues being battled which homeboy was well aware of before moving in and had promised,”I’ll totally be helpful. I can do a lot. It’ll be great!” Dude’s just a psycho, stray dog always looking for a person to burn while he ‘invents’ things like already invented toy robots that he puts extra lights on to put himself in the maker faire booth and do videos of himself on YT. Douche with a capitol D. Too bad there’s no way to get your old roomy together with this guy so they could collide in a murder-suicide scene.
I’m guessing that the disabled veteran of your narrative is a combat veteran, but even if he didn’t see combat, God bless him. It really makes my blood boil to think that this man had most likely put his life on the line (and suffered grieviously for it) just so that he could be fucked over by Maker Fairy exercising his so-called “right”:to be a douchebag.
Damn. This guy sounds like my brother-in-law. In my BiL’s case, he literally tried to go the murder/suicide route: when my sister cut him off and filed for divorce after supporting him and his little games for 17 years, he came to the house with a gun to take his family with him. He couldn’t even do that right, and shot himself on their bed the moment he heard police sirens.
Gotta love the name of his roommate Ezra. How typical!
He probably thinks the height of humor is to refer to himself as “Better Than Ezra”.
He sounds like a hipster Mr. Rogers. And I gather that he and Ezra are a couple, since there’s only one bed/bedroom in the place.
I give him props for having a Billy Joel “The Stranger” poster…but that’s it.
What’s his address? someone call “Horders Buried Alive”
How much do you want to bet he never has gotten laid….”like…yea…never”
I’m always fascinated by what people read. I was scanning some of the titles of Jeremy’s books (“the ones without the cartoons”) and as I expected they’re mostly screeds by Michael Moore and Bill Maher with generous helpings of America-bashing propaganda in between.
Oh this is news…5th Ave. in Park Slope is over saturated with over 150 restaurants and bars….
http://www.dailyslope.com/2012/01/20/fifth-avenue-in-park-slope-is-supersaturated-with-more-than-150-bars-and-restaurants/
For what it’s worth, as a business restaurants have the highest failure rate and a very low profit margin. And this is true with people who know what the fuck they’re doing much less Dylan the Dabbling Dilletante.
Ehhh. A decently run restaurant has good profit margin. My dad gets consulted every now and then about people wanting to start pizza shops. The first mistake most people make is that they don’t do their homework, check out the competition and buy almost everything portioned out and pre-made. Pizza dough is cheap to make. Instead of buying cleaned and portioned chicken breast for 3.99 a lb (one idiot actually bought 4 packs from the local supermarket) when a chicken costs .39 cents a pound – you get two breasts, thighs, wings and a carcass for stock and soup.
Hold on, here – “Uncle Moe’s Burrito Shop”? Gone? Impossible. Uncle Moe learned everything he knows about burritos from eating at “Burritos Bigger Than Your Head” in Madison, Wisconsin while in college, three nights a week, after all the bars closed.
I’m sure he’s just remodeling the joint. Maybe he’ll give it a name that says friendly, all-American cooking, something that tells people that they can go there to have a nice, relaxing time. Like “Madman Moe’s Pressure Cooker.”
hey hey HEY!!!!
Shallots are tasty with Pork Chops!
True Story.
So are snails. STFU.
Tours of mysterious neighborhoods? These people really believe they are discovering, pioneering, discovering… etc. the lives of millions of people. This hipster infestation is going to be a problem for a long time. The problem is most of them stay a few years and then go back to flyoverlandia and share their “discoveries” and then a new wave of attention starved nasally voiced twits arrives. Each one of them lives as if the world revolves around them… thus they will always be writting and sharing about their discoveries in this place we love. It makes great fodder for this blog. But we must act now! Enforce the red line, daily hipster beatings whatever it takes. Because to be quite honest they are making me sick. And you are right the New York Slimes is not making it any better.Something has to be done!
Mysterious neighborhoods?!? Like what – Avenue X?
Don’t laugh. I’ve seen them riding their bikes down Avenue U a few times. And I’m almost positive a few have moved in to this area. Ugh.
I saw a bunch of them walking down Highlawn a couple weeks ago and spotted one at the Kings Hwy N station. Slowly but surely, they’re creeping in. This place is one Tumblr blog post away from full-scale colonization.
These cultural graverobbers will probably venture into Crown heights and expect to see
Robbie Benson and Rod Steiger walking to the local authentic jewish deli.
Do you mean Robby Benson, the 70′s teenage heart throb who married that chick from Meatloaf?
He lives in the South now, nowhere near California or NY.
We should run “mysterious neighborhood” tours of Williamsburg and the other festering Hipster warrens with the most intrusive,and pushiest tour guides that we could find.
I saw the map, and have an even more quirky and excellent route for them: the Belt Parkway to JFK. be sure to stay in the pedestrian lanes – those white lines over there. And be sure to take the tour at night, and wear black jeans.
I realize that a lot of you Brooklynites love your borough and what it was, but it may come to a point that you have to cut and run. Normally we Bronxites wouldn’t suggest this, but you should think about the Bronx, my life long home. They tried moving in to 3RD ave, but it was a failure. The Kidults are still way too afraid to visit the rest of our borough and we like it that way. We have the most park land of any borough, we are on the mainland and are still chock full of crappy old bars. Our daily lives have not been turned in to perpetual art. ART ART ART! Just a thought my NYC OUTER BOROUGH BRETHREN. Good luck with Brooklyn and if you do decide to migrate just sneak out of in the middle of the night and don’t spill the beans about how kick ass the Bronx is.
Isaac, I’ve got to back all of the real Brooklynites here. Cutting and running just means the vermin follow. The only option is to keep fighting, until the beardos decide that someplace else is the kewl new nabe (i.e., it finally sinks in that people are laughing at them the same way they laughed at them back in high school) and move there. Or, to put it another way, Portland used to be a decent city. Back then, what we’d now call hipsters only took up a few small areas. Since nobody stood up, now look at the fucking place: by the time they’re done and move on, they’ll have destroyed everything that made Portland interesting or liveable in the first place, and leave the few survivors to clean up the mess.
Stay stong man! The Bronx has your back!
Don’t forget Seattle, which used to be a sleazy, blue-collar port town. We used to make fun of the “hippies” in Eugene, and now they’ve just about overrun the place.
I appreciate the sentiment, but not gonna happen. I prefer to stay in Bklyn and torment non-natives systematically. They may not move, but at least they will fkn recognize one by one that natives hate them, that they will NEVER be one of us, and that with them around, stick up kids will never run out of food. We may not get them to leave, but we can make their lives very miserable.
How about forming a native citizen collective, with very strict membership rules, who has the occasional ‘game’ night too? Instead of pretending to be five year olds with cardboard tube faggotry, you could play adult games like “time to scare the hipsters”. You can pretend to be 13 too, but tack on to that the idea it’s Halloween every time and mischief is the spirit of the evening. The downside is your group may have to enjoy its activities between 2 and 4 am OR before noon anytime ( since most hipsters don’t wake up before then ). Study a little psychological warfare, and away you go. Or, adopt befriending the elderly and making sure you drag them into every ‘kewl’ club, cafe, ART galllery, open mic, local band show, etc etc that you can. I’m telling ya, hipsters are terrified of the elderly because they’re an immediate visual reminder that no one gets to be a youth forever. Even teach some of the uber-kewl band names and shit like that to the old folks and make sure the hipsters can overhear granny talking about how great Animal Collective is and she refuses to take down her posters of Jack White and she can’t wait to move into ‘north’ brooklyn with all her elderly friends and start riding their wheelie carts everywhere LOL Maybe they could even demand ‘denture friendly’ food on the menus. If they go along with you, make sure you compensate them well later on with some really good Italian food, or whatever it is they want. Take lots of pics of horrified hipster faces.
Good idea, BUT we have to work around the non-stop police presence. Last night I was walking my pit bull and the same cop car circled me three times on Kent Avenue because I can pass for Hispanic. When I walked my dog back home, another cop car circled me twice around Grand Street. If you look ethnic, you will automatically be profiled. Why do you think there is a rise in stop and frisk? They want to create a safe, rich utopia for whites or non-threatening others (i.e. Asian, Indian, etc.). We have lost our city to transplants. In another ten years, NYC will be unrecognizable. We have no flavor anymore. Remember stores like Uniques and Canal Jeans back in the 1980′s and 1990′s? Make room for H&M and Forever 21. I kid you not when I tell you that the last thing I think about at night is how great NYC was before the year 2000. I live in Wburg and 95% of the people are not native New Yorkers. When the fuck did we lose all these neighborhoods to transplants? I feel like I am in a bad episode of Twilight Zone.
That’s a good point. Hmm, well…do the cops harass city workers much? Guys dressed as construction workers? Mocked up uniforms of some service type industry, ( with the exception of a cop outfit, of course…they probably don’t like that lol ).?
Round the clock police surveillance. Geez. They’re choosing not just a staycation, but one in a prison of sorts then.
“I know!! Let’s go live where the police watch us 24/7!!”
“Yayyyyyyy!!”
This infuriates me to the point of distraction. On the 11:00 news last night, the anchor read a story about the new iPhone and how people have been camped outside for days just to have the privilege of being among the first to purchase one. I’m not sure how they did it, but they found a nerdy black guy to tout the amazing experience he was having meeting “really exciting people” during this campout.
Okay, I managed to not vomit during that segment of the story but what ensued literally caused me to see red. The anchor (either Chuck Scarborough or Shiba Russell – I forget which one) mentioned that in an effort to deter iPhone theft during this time, the powers that be were going to increase police presence at all 5 Apple Stores in Manhattan as well as at several Verizon and AT&T stores throughout the boroughs.
Who the fuck has the NYPD/City Hall in their pocket so that they can take police officers from their usual tours of duty to babysit these over-indulged, gentrifying shit stains? It’s not like these freeloading jizz-puddles pay taxes or even vote here. My guess is that the real estate industry is probably responsible for a large portion of this so that they can continue to stuff their wallets with the unsustainable rents for the average working stiff that these spoiled brats’ parents are willing to pay in order to further indulge and fund their precious darlings’ urban sleep away camp fantasies.
But enough is enough. At some point, don’t we have to take a stand and try to put a stop to this? I work in the investment banking industry and know all too well how money is the lubricant that greases the wheels. Perhaps I am looking in all the wrong places, but I am unable to find a grassroots group that is dedicated to anti-gentrification in New York. If something isn’t done soon, all of New York City’s cultural integrity will be decimated to Pinkberry, Chipotle, and Forever 21 stores. Does anyone know of any organization dedicated to anti-gentrification in NY that I can volunteer my time and resources to? Any guidance would be great appreciated.
BINGO! ENOUGH SAID!
That comment just warms my heart. New Yorkers looking out for each other. I don’t get up to the Bronx much in my day to day life, but the last time I did, I was so jealous at how normal it is up there. It felt like the old NYC I used to know.
I totally agree. My friends that live in the Bronx say I should move because I always complain how NYC has changed. I can’t because I am locked into my apartment/mortgage. I fear that eventually, they will change the Bronx too though. Once they completely take over Brooklyn and Queens. Think about it, if you said these cornballs would be living in Bed-Stuy 15 years ago, they would have laughed at you. Now they are moving to East New York?! What the fuck. I can’t take much more of this.
The Bronx is already going to the process of gentrification. Its going to take some timw. I live near mott haven i see calebs and zoes all the time no joke.
That comment warms my heart as well but it won’t matter. They will occupy the Bronx. In the beginning it’s never an onslaught. It’s always on or two at a time – the proverbial “foot in the door”.
We have them in the ‘burbs as well. I know hipsters hate the suburbs. But it appears that the ones that do move here do so for the sole purpose of making fun of the locals 24/7 and stirring the pot.
A year ago, ne of these sh*theels enrolled her son into our parochial school. Why?
Two days into the school year she complained to the principal about her son having to say morning prayers and the Pledge of Allegiance. Then it was the fact that little colotn could not keep up with the curriculum (my son gets an average of 60-90 minutes of homework per night) and demanded her son get more time for tests because he suffers from anxiety.
Now a year later Cankle-tron tackled the school menu. She won. No more fried foods. Low fat milk. No cookies. everything is veggie, chicken or whole grain (as in whole grain chicken nuggets). So at the PTA meeting she’s boasting on how well the menu is doing – 92% of the kids are eating their veggies – 86% love whole grain pizza, etc.
I spoke with one of the moms who works at the school. She said that unless the students
pack their lunches, they have to take everything on the menu. If they don’t like salads…they have to take them. So A LOT of food is getting thrown out.
The end is near though. Cafeteria sales are down 40%,
It’s the new horror series :When Hips Turn Yup.” Coming to a mall near you. Shoot me now…
When Hips Turn Yup..lmaoo. Except that most Hipster parents are in fact Yuppies. That’s what their hipster kids are “rebelling” against. How else could they afford their gentrification rents? At some point in time though, they revert back to their yuppie roots.
Is that NYT article for real? Everything about it reads like straight up satire. The guy in the shawl, kidults riding in a shopping cart made of “organic metal”…WHAT THE FUCK?!
The pictures were what got me. Between the balding dweeb in the running jacket and the dork on the far right with the sweatpants jodhpurs and the “ermagerd” expression on his face, who needs to visit the freak show at the circus?
What arrogance and smugness: is this “CSI: Williamsburg”?
C.S.I. Williamsburg, opening scene: Medical Examiner’s autopsy room.
Detective: “What have you got for me, Doc?”.
M.E. : “Male hipster, 5:11, 115 lbs, red beard, lens-less black horn rims, tat sleeves of cupcakes and PBR logo, girls jeans(and girls genes), ironic T-shirt, ratty Converse go- fasties. Gonna make I.D. difficult, he looks like every other hiptard in Billyburg.”.
Detective: ” No shit, Sherlock! No name? We’ll put it down as a Josh Doe. Cause of death?”.
M.E. : ” Multiple traumas possibly inflicted by multiple perps. There’s an IPhone shoved up his ass, worst case of H.B.H.* I’ve ever seen. He’s also been strangled with a fixie bike chain, beaten with a bunch of organic, locally sourced, rooftop grown leeks after having his thumbs cuffed to his 2in gauged earlobes. Oh yeah, the letters DH are burned into his forehead.”.
IPHONE RINGS, DETECTIVE ANSWERS.
Detective: ” Who’s calling?”.
Nasally female voice: ” OMG, Josh where are you? I’ve been waiting at Starbucks for hours an……”.
Detective: ” Mam, this is the police. I’m sorry to report that Josh is dead”.
Nasally female voice: ” OMG what happened?!!!”.
Detective: ” Looks like suicide to me , mam. Yeah definitely suicide.”.
END SCENE.
* Hipster butt hurt.
It wasn’t lupus.
If Josh is dead does that mean “I Killed Josh” was Josh?
Next Week on CSI Billyburg:
Will Mom win her $1,000,000,000,000 lawsuit against the city and get her pension fund back? Or will Joshes death simply go unnoticed by everyone in the entire world because they have better things to do and they just don’t care?
Will a cruelty-free steelworker be found in time to cut Lindsey out of that shopping cart? Or will she too have to sue for H.B.H. after being taken to a non-organic welding shop? Will she sue the mechanic in time before the Waaaaambulance arrives?
Find out Next Week – Same Time, Same Spot on the Dial.
C.S.I. WILLIAMSBURG. Opening scene: Gritty urban street scene, Billyburg. Bistros, cafes, hipster bars, lens-less eyeglasses and grubby beards abound. Several uniforms and plain clothes stand in front of a moving van across the front of which sprawls a human body tangled with the twisted remains of a unicycle.
Detective: “Well, Smitty what’s your take on this?”
Uniform: ” Pretty cut and dried, Caleb here tried to pass a mini-van on the left over the double-yellow and plowed right into 2 GUYS AND A TRUCK here.”
Detective: “Any chance he tried to signal or honk his retro claxton horn?”
Uniform: “Doubtful, witnesses say he was carrying two Whole Foods bags and tweeting on his iPhone while playing a kazoo.”
Detective: ” Well, at least he died during a public moment of whimsy. Huh! Would you look at that! There’s a bike lane he could have used to be both safe AND legal. Why didn’t he use it?”
Uniform: Yeh, you’d think after protesting and pushing the mayor into spending millions to install the damned things, you’d think they’d use them.”
Detective: ” I guess it’s just a case of hipster irony ”
END SCENE
This deserves a couple of actors and a video camera, then to YT for mass enjoyment. Please? lol
Thanks man, I just don’t have the skills or set-up. Anyway, my first choice for the detective would be the late, great Jerry Orbach. Now that he’s gone I guess Richard Belzer could fill those shoes with the proper Noo Yawk attitude.
Richard Belzer’s funny as hell. Did you catch him and Christopher Walken on Alex Jones channel? Here’s the link, if you’re interested:
Prepare to have your eyes crossed a bit LOL What’s almost stranger than Alex is his some of his fans very visceral and angry comments. There’s some vicious folks out there in ytland.
I love Walken almost indecently! He just doesn’t give a fuck about the part of his career that doesn’t mean anything: FAME. Also, did you know his ball-bouncingly funny SNL skit ” The Continental” was based on a real TV show in the 50s? A middle-aged Eurotrash gigolo seducing housewives through the camera POV. Almost as funny as the sendup!
No, but I’m glad you mentioned it. I haven’t seen that skit but I will look it up. It already sounds hilarious just imagining it. Walken’s got a deadpan ability that doesn’t make you feel like a moron after you’ve laughed at the joke.
“A little nonsense now and then…”.
This has to be one of the funniest AJ clips I saw after Belzer and Walken were on his show. I saw this one afterwards and laughed so hard it’s like someone squished my head under a truck and my brains were everywhere and my eyes were dangling out.
Sorry to clog up with the AJ vids. Think of it as trenches humor for those of you in the thick of it all.
I was unaware of this person before you hipped me to him. He is definitely out there where the buses don’t run. He should be leash-led to Williamsburg and set loose where the hiptards run free. The phrase ” Wolverine on Crack ” comes to mind.
“the marvel of Brooklyn bodegas”. Are you fucking serious??!! I didn’t know a grocery store was such a marvel. You’re going to tell me they don’t have local small mom and pop stores back in Wisconsetuckysota??
They used to – but they’ve mostly been renamed 7-11 or White Hen.
Growing up in Spanish Harlem we called it a ‘store’. “Hey! You goin’ to the store?” “Yeah. I’m goin’ to the store. Whaddya want?” The Puerto Ricans called it a ‘store’.
Where the hell did all this ‘bodega’ crap come from? It’s a fucking store!!
Wait for it…I heard these idiots referring to a 24 hr deli say “I am going to the market.” The MARKET? WHAT THE FUCK? Are we suddenly living in Europe? In NYC it is either deli, store and more recently bodega (I been hearing that since the 1990′s in LES when they were slinging out the back lol)…
You folks saw the bitch in the shopping cart right? Now I understand in her family compound she didn’t have the opportunity do such wacky things let alone step foot inside an actual grocery store. But past the age of 17, even then, you know the rest what I am going to say.
You mean this one? http://www.nytimes.com/imagepages/2012/09/17/nyregion/WALK3.html
Yeah, I caught that. Someone should have pushed that cart off the railing of the BQE with her in it. Instagram that, McGinley McCankles.
I missed the shopping cart picture the first time I saw the article. It just screams LOOK AT ME !
http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2012/09/17/nyregion/WALK3/WALK3-popup.jpg
I notice an ad for “Tailor Made Luxury African Safaris” on the top of the page.
Let me guess… African safaris now cater to hipsters, complete with organic elephant-shit pizzas shipped in from Robertas, washed down with Mast Bros chocolate.
Wow – her expression is beyond annoying. Maybe she was testing the Hipster Smugness Float before the Tournament of Roses Parade.
Like I said if you are doing this kind of crap sober and past the age of 18 then I am sorry to say that there something really fucking wrong with you.
They might as well have put Zoe and Josh in the hands so people would think it was just for them! Just like Brooklyn!
Baretta takes care of out of town hipsters, and dat’s da name of dat tune!
If nothing else, it’s worth watching to hear one of the best TV theme songs created ever in history.
Um……..im scared.is there a factory pumping these people out:
http://www.avclub.com/articles/candy-corn-oreos,84951/
Yes, out of the Oreo’s blogging team.
GAG GAG GAG………GAG! Candy corn was so far down on the Halloween Candy Desirability Scale that my brothers and I used ours as pea-shooter ammo! Stung like hell!
I forgot to mention that my first reaction to the ‘make friends with a stranger’ poster was that it’s a pretty good example of them not being able to really identify the difference between a stranger and someone you know. ‘remove hands when no longer strangers’.
My experience is that you don’t just ‘know’ somebody based on an exchange of information and the idea that you do is a disturbingly false sense of intimacy ( and probably why online dating fails so miserably for so many ). Telling someone your name, where you’re from, what coffee you like to drink, what car you drive, where you work etc etc, or vice versa, doesn’t make you ‘friends’ or even acquaintenances. You can know all that and still be strangers. It’s why kids are not to just walk off with some strange adult simply because he offers his name and a smile.
Real intimacy is based in the reality of shared experiences Over_Time. That can’t be had through a poster or a handshake, sorry hipsters.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Dirty-Old-1970s-New-York-City/108171812558551
These fucks would last a second.
“would NOT”
I love the “Impeach Lindsay” graffiti in the one photo.
We should do a photo by photo comparison with hipsters.
What a great site. I’d love to go back in time and drop off Caleb, with his nasally midwestern basement pussy voice, underneath that E125th DISCO sign and let the fun begin.
..or on a side street of Times Square so he can get pulled into a van and well…you know…
Yes, good call on Times Square – Caleb would’ve made a tasty little morsel for the predators scoping out Playland.
Man these punks wouldn’t even be safe on 5th avenue back in the day. People used to get shot in broad day in midtown. Ah, memories ..lol
And now we have this…..
Anyone who even calls the area BoCoCa deserves to be bitch slapped. Just saying.
The cop at 1:07 looking at this fruitcake and thinking WTF is priceless.
As soon as Scruffy Pink little Skippy did his fairy dance around the corner, I had to turn it off.
I can count at least 100 reasons why this fluttering, stuttering, gentrifying pussy needs to be bitch slapped. Funny, how all these pompous fruitcakes are so “anti-establishment, maaaaaan – we’re about art and community and urbanism”, but the whole reason for their existence here is based on big development-corporate control. They are the last thing from free-thinkers or unique-urban-pioneers. They are nothing but puppets and frauds living off the dole of their parents while bastardizing the heart and soul of our cities.
I keep watching this video to see if diehipster springs out from behind a locally-sustainable organic rain barrel to whack this twat waffle upside the head.
BoCACA! omfg With a straight face????
We need to cut you loose on them. You could be like the chick in Resident Evil who goes around kicking zombie(hipster) ass! Maybe we could all pitch in on the costs of an originally designed superheroine outfit for you. Hey! That’s a new Kickstarter project I could get behind!
WTF is ‘BoCoCa’? I almost don’t want to know. Is it something like ‘SoBro’ [South Bronx]?
Curiosity got the better of me. I just had to Google it.:
BoCoCa = BOerum Hill, CObble Hill and CArroll Gardens
That area is super expensive man. NYC is no-man’s land for any one making under six figures.
Or a monthly gentrification allowance from their rich suburban parents to fund their fauxhemian playstay.
The other night as I was leaving work, I heard a bearded Q-tip giving his wide-eyed mouth breathing, obviously recent transplant friends a lesson in geography. He’s probably been here 5 minutes longer than they have so now he’s the expert. He was nasally telling them that SoBro is South Brooklyn. It took every ounce of strength I had not to grab his murse, smack him across the face with and embarrass him in front of his friends..
Yeesh… that is some of the worst Casio elevator music I’ve ever heard.
Nice. There were a lot less people here back then. Which is most of the problem these days.
Funny but it doesn’t even look all that dirty compared to now. I swear this town has become a garbage pile.
NYC is dirtier thanks to these asshole. Why do I keep finding nasty old shoes on the street. I also found a used maxi pad (sorry for the visual folks). Do these dirty bastards think the earth is so self sustaining that it will swallow up all their nasty belongings magically once they drop them on the street? Dumb, dirty, useless …and the list goes on…
Exactly. Every surface is covered with crud. There is garbage everywhere.
And.. late the other night I looked outside my window to see who the drunk fools were making noise on my street and this woman was pissing on the sidewalk. Squatted there on the pavement with her legs open like it was nothing. Her trashed male companion was stumbling to help her up as she groped blindly to pull up her underwear and stockings. I won’t sicken you with the details of all the human feces I see around here too.
This all goes to back to the way they grew up. Their parents or housekeepers picked up after them everywhere they went. Their parents never taught them how to pick up after themselves, be self-sufficient, or respect the people around them. Now we have to deal with these worthless adult infant fuckbags.
This DH rant is one of the most spot on assessments of the local hipster infestation that I’ve ever read. The example with Harrison and Ursula is something that 100% takes place. Eventually they recognized each other from the Dogfelcher Falls High School Junior Prom.
http://gothamist.com/2012/09/19/bay_ridge_getting_a_hipster_bar_to.php
A picture is worth a thousand words….goodbye Bay Ridge.
Asked if they were hipsters, Caleb and Monroe snorted ‘no’, and Harrison said he had no idea what a hipster is.
What is that tattoo Harrison is sporting?
http://s13.postimage.org/4dy3qlmmf/tattoo.jpg
Looks like an anorexic elephant to me. Maybe Jumbo on crack.
With no ass.
AND cankles!
A unicorn with a limp horn?
That photo of those disgusting people could be any day of the week in my neighborhood.
Bay Ridge is so cool. Do they have anything vegetarian at Spumoni Gardens?
STEVEN, you were told to go home and finish sucking your daddie’s dick. At least TRY to complete SOMETHING you’ve started. And have him take one of his boner pills first, it might make up for the half-assed job you’ll do.
INFLICT H.B.H. AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY.
Must be a clueless transplant. Otherwise you would know Spumoni Gardens isn’t even in Bay Ridge. Dumb ass.
What did I say in my last post? A half-assed job, this boy would fuck up Ramen noodles!
Me and my boyz are definitely going to hang out at that tattoo themed Biergarten. Finally some culture in South Brooklyn!
Hell yeah! Afterwards we can go to The Owl’s Head for some of that cheesecake with the Mast Brothers choclate on it!
Oh look how cute. Idiot uses the same email address to try to create another user name because he needs to express his multiple personality disorder. Or maybe it’s because he has no real friends and needs to create his own imaginary ones.
or maybe i’m just fucking w/ you and don’t really care.
You must care or you wouldn’t have bothered to respond and change your email address to boot. And you couldn’t fuck with me even if you tried. What, create a bunch of email addresses just for the sake of attempting to blather some words on the net? Oh how cute, I’m flattered you would even think to bother.
I don’t care in that I’m not really going to be hanging in Bay Ridge.I’m just fucking with you weirdos.
Which is why we’re fucking you back. Now go home and finish sucking your daddie’s dick
We are weirdos???? You mean non- attention seeking real Brooklynites? Sorry for being weird.
keep the fan mail coming, you’re doing a great job!
and lulz at this townie tard thinking I’m actually creating email addresses.
Look, mess around all you like but there you are with the ‘townie’ shit again.
Don’t make me angry about this. It makes me laugh, and I’m trying to eat you bastardly bitch!
It never ceases to amaze me when people who try to insult can’t come up with better shit than “you’re fat and ugly” especially when directed at a woman. Even my 80 year old grandmother can come up with more original shit than that. Go hard or go home.
Did someone call you fat and ugly?
That is pretty stupid as far as insults go.
Yep. You can always count on hipsters to come at you with the 5th grade level insults. They think that what made them cry at age 10 or 11 (and still does), must also affect others in the same manner. It never ceases to amaze me how hipsters can call anyone “ugly”.
Whenever someone says that they “don’t really care”, in so many words, it’s the clearest sign of all that they do, and something has hit home. Just saying.
Please guillotine yourselves.
In related news, Special Edd has a soul mate:
http://gawker.com/5944977/a-troll-too-far-the-rise-and-fall-of-staph-meal
CHRISTMAS EVE IS FINALLY HERE!!!!!
LESS THAN 24 HOURS TO GO.
LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, YAH!
I AM ALSO LOOKING FORWARD TO THE TIME CHANGE AND THE EARLY SUNSETS.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE.
C.S.I. WILLIAMSBURG: Opening scene: a plain clothes detective approaches a Puerto Rican bodega with a crowd of hipsters gathered around an ambulance at the curb posing for iPhone pictures and tweeting to each other’s blogs. A swarthy, middle-aged EMT has just slid a body into the vehicle and turns to push his way through the wool-hatted crowd toward the approaching detective.
EMT: ” G’wan you useless fucks! Get the fuck outta my way! Make a hole Goddamnit!”
DETECTIVE: ” Whoa, ease up, Arkajinian! What got you so steamed?”
EMT: ” Oh, hi Lenny. Sorry I lost my cool. But we got a DOA hipster in there and when they die in the wagon the bedbugs jump off like rats off a sinking ship. This’ll be the third time this week I’ve had to fumigate my rig because of these wastes of skin!”
DETECTIVE: ” Yeh, comes with the territory, at least since 2001. What do we got here?”
EMT: ” One Milo Wheatchaff, late of Pensylsotta, hit by a vintage sports car, hit and run.”
DETECTIVE: ” What do the witnesses say?”
EMT: ” Wheatchaff was arguing with Mr. Robles in the bodega because they didn’t stock American Spirits. It got hot and Robles chased Wheatchaff out on the street with a hipster-beater and right into the path of the sports car which fled the scene. He was alive when we got here, verbal and lucent but checked out during vitals.”
DETECTIVE: ” Did he say anything before he croaked?”
EMT: ” Yeh, he said ” I was hit by a Borgward. It’s a European car. You’ve probably never heard of it.”
DETECTIVE: ” Right, sheesh! Ya know, Robles doesn’t need a lawsuit from this dingleberry’s parents. Let’s just leave him out of the report.”
EMT: ” Fine with me Lenny. And hey, let’s list the car as a Camry. I figure Mr. Borgward D.S.A F.”
DETECTIVE: ” Nice touch, you’re good at this!”
EMT: ” Ya think yer playin’ with kids?”
END SCENE?
One hipster in the crowd walks up to complain that the treatment of the corpse is not sensitive enough. Another demands some oxygen or valium or morphine or demerol or oxycontin for the anxiety attack the entire scene has caused him and if he doesn’t get treated on the spot he’s going to have to call his dad’s lawyer right nowwwww.
“when they die in the wagon the bedbugs jump off like rats off a sinking ship.”
LOL! I like that one.
Hey Face The Facts, I missed your reply to my C.S.I. Williamsburg post the other day. Thanks for the LOL, I’m kind of proud of that phrase my damn self!
My county here in Ohio is the bedbug central of the Midwest and undoubtably the vector for the infestation you are undergoing up north. When I was a kid the Health Department had power to inspect and order fumigation in private residences and kept the bugs corralled in the slums where they distributed cans of kerosene to residents. They put coffee cans with a half inch of kerosene under the bed legs to stop the bugs from biting the kids. Over the years funding was cut, the department lost power and services declined. Now no one in their right mind takes in curbside furniture or old clothes and the Health Dept. building itself got infested!
We’ve had them in our building 4 times since 2002 (not in MY apt. THANK GOD) and we’ve had to be vigilant and aggressive with new tenants bringing in furniture and such. Hipsters with their low hygiene lifestyle and recycling of thrift store clothing spread these vermin where ever they staycation. They don’t report them until the infestation is serious and they are hard as hell to get rid of (bedbugs AND hipsters).
Be diligent and you can be rid of vermin (bedbugs AND hipsters).
We have found the solution:
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/09/20/why-rice-contains-detectable-levels-of-arsenic.html
“Ironically, brown rice, always considered healthier, has a decidedly higher level of arsenic than the white, or unhusked, version.” Like ya, like it’s ironic, but it’s like totally organic and sustainable.
Yep it’s organic and sustainable. So is hemlock, nightshade, monkshood, jimpson weed and tomato leaves. Organic poisons have been used for millennia for pests of the six, four or two legged variety. Something to consider, an organic, sustainable salad restaurant in Billyburg featuring the delicacies listed above. Just planting seeds, organic, sustainable deadly seeds.
ROFLMAO
Did you know the second phase of Oprah’s Abortion, Dr.Ozzie, went on air to let everyone know who gives a crap that orange juice has arsenic in it? ( BTW, the first phase of Oprah’s Abortion would be Mr.Walrus, aka Dr.Phil ). Now I know what to blame everything on: Arsenic.
Don’t forget Dr.Phils’ priceless advice…”Ya know, my granpa used to say if you cain’t take the donkey on down to the barnhayhouse then you better get that donkey tah shinin’ shoes cause there’s somethin’ wrong with the price o’ wine and I’m just tryin’ tah HELP you!!”
Yup, another member of the medical profession that kissed The Oprah’s ass for the big bucks. A lot of his shows are aimed at appearance only, weight loss and skin care and make up tips. Shit, he devoted one show to a fucking psychic! Five minutes of his health Nazi bullshit makes me want to smoke a cigarette rolled in bacon dipped in bourbon while eating a fois gras sandwich on Wonder Bread!
He has overweight people brought on his show to go on his special diet (the idea for which actually comes from his wife, not his own medical expertise) and they never seem to lose that much weight.
How the hell did his wife become an expert anyway? She’s not the one with the tainted PhD anyway. They should write a book about how ol’ Phil was accused by a patient of abusing his influence. There was a period when he let his liscence lapse as well, and that may have been when Oprah scooped him up. Man he’s a fame tick. When Spears went bald he went, uninvited, to the hospital she was in and tried to bully his way past her family to ‘offer his support’. Yeah. Right Phil LOL Like following Oomphrah around during her beef trials till she noticed you so you could ‘offer your support’ LOL. I don’t know where the entrance to their Bizarro Zone is, but damn I hope I never get near it.
Sorry, I meant Dr. Oz. His wife is a “Reiki master” with no health-related degree of any kind who has co-authored all of his “YOU” series of books. The vegetarian diet Oz puts his weight loss guests on pretty much comes from her and it doesn’t fucking work. There was one show where he had a mom and daughter eating only about 1000 calories a day, which is less than what the Nazis fed prisoners at Auschwitz.
Are you shittin’ me?!! 1000 calories a day?
WTF? These sheep must get paid a lot of money to be led to the slaughter of the neon wilderness.
Luckily his grandpa’s dead…
Sorry, foie gras! Pardon my fox pas!
This is spooky. How did you know what I was eating for dinner?
Wise minds run in like circles!
Here are a few new ‘hipster on the street’ shots from today.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/46896052@N00/8007806636/in/set-72157630437622300/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/46896052@N00/8007804015/in/set-72157630437622300/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/46896052@N00/8007807976/in/set-72157630437622300/
This one is too blurry:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/46896052@N00/8007807424/in/set-72157630437622300/
but the back shot is fairly clear:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/46896052@N00/8007807060/in/set-72157630437622300/
LOL! Whenever I’m feeling a bit down, or feeling too self-critical, I can always look at these pics as a reminder of the fact that I’m not doing so bad!
Posers, dorks, herbs, ect. To live in that mental bubble where you swear you are fly is itself a study of de-evolution. Look at the age of these people.
first guy…horrible pear shaped body with zero shoulders and my mother has a purse
EXACTLY like his..no lie…
second one…chick’s got her Halloween colors flying..
third one…totally idenity-confused douche who probably whines incessantly
fourth one…walking definition of a Try-Hard…and probably bores everyone
around him to tears when he opens that pouty pie hole…
last one…goes clothes shopping after snorting Ambien…is probably ‘in media’…
WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT WEAK ASS CHILD FROM?
LOVE THIS SITE!
BTW, I’m a transplant from way out where that just moved to New York a while ago. So, I’m on the J going to my one part time job earlier today (I work two jobs, one in Brooklyn, the other in Times Square as a security guard) and we hit the Lorimer St stop. This Meghan and her Ethan (I put this woman first because obviously she wears the pants in the relationship) hop on the train and she gives me the snarkiest smuggest up turned doucheiest look ever. Seriously, I respect women and would NEVER lay my hands on one…but I seriously wanted to slap her. Then her beta male pussy-ass boyfriend pulls out his Moleskine notebook and they have a laugh…all the while looking at everyone else on the train like they weren’t even human.
this was 12:00 in the day…and they looked like they were fucking tourists just walking around…WTF?
LOL
They’re convinced in their own minds that everyone not like them is an endangered species.
I’ve noticed this is a REAL common disposition on the part of hipster couples out and about. They must have horrible inferiority complexes.
http://gothamist.com/2012/09/20/nypd_will_be_at_apple_stores_on_iph.php
Obviously Nanny Bloomberg has nothing better for NY’s Finest. What a monumental waste of time and resources. First why does a cop have to do this and second – Can’t Apple incorporate some sort of anti-theft device into the phone – like a code, thumbprint or Mommy’s Amex card number?
All this over a stupid telephone. Good lord. Why can’t Apple just hire their own security? They are making enough money, right? They should be able to hire an army with the cash they are hauling in.
So many of these cankle snout flyover Transplants are the ones buying these iphones and they are the ones who will mostly get mugged for an iphone. I feel sorry for these wanna be urbanites because iphone5 has no google maps but apples built in map service which has no subway lines ans no restuarant reviews. Fucking kazoo voiced pieces of shit camping all day for a phone made by chinese slave labor.
http://newyork.grubstreet.com/2012/09/shake-shack-calorie-counts.html
This really grinds my gears – 950 calories is OK for a Shake Shack burger but not one from McD’s?
Well you know the ingredients ARE supperior after all. More calories from superior sources equals less calories to the foodie crowd.
This is one of the best tirades I have ever read. Thank you!
A couple years ago, I saw one of these skinny-jeaned, Fonzie jacketed guys in O’Sullivans (Bay Ridge) with his girl. I’ve never seen a bigger group of real guys wanting to murder a guy and fuck his chick in front of him.
Here’s a fresh one, hot off the Nieuw Williamsburg grill this morning.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/46896052@N00/8009533027/in/set-72157630437622300
TinTin and Perez Hilton’s love child. un-effin-believable.
This is what I have to see on a daily basis. Just went out a second ago and in the sunlight ambling along the sidewalk like it was nothing was a hipsterette wearing a gauzy, glittering one piece billowing purple genie pant outfit with a black turban and Jackie O giant ass black sunglasses. And from the back you could see everything right through the jumpsuit, and it wasn’t pretty.
You have inspired me. I should go out and do some hipster hunting with my camera. I’m sure there’s a few around here.
Remember, be responsible, take only pictures, leave only footprints (on the skulls of hipsters).
Great. Can’t wait to see what you get. It’s basically a point-and-shoot around here. I don’t always take my camera with me so I miss a lot of good shots. It’s a 24/7 freak show.
“It’s basically a point-and-shoot around here.”
Does it HAVE to be with a camera??
Does he think those boots will make him ‘down’ with the bruthas? lol
ir was only a matter of time. This movie has too many hipster cliches in it to list.
Coming real soon to an ART ART ART theater near you.
http://brooklynbrothersmovie.com/
Thanks for the warning Pat. I’ve retitled that movie for myself to “39 seconds” because that’s all of it I could stomach before stopping it. The old formulaic ‘bromance’ storyline. Just add adult males in baby romper pajamas and wait 60 minutes till the barrel’s unconsciously creeped inside your mouth. Remember not to pull the trigger though. Seriously, how the hell do these things find funding?
Is it a gay movie? Do they sleep together in the end?
Names of characters in the movie: Kyle, Jackson, Cassidy? Playskool instruments? The filmmakers need to list DH in the credits. There’s no way they could’ve made that movie without reading this site!
Hey Diehipster regulars! Thanks for your complements about my efforts at the C.S.I. Williamsburg scripts. They really write themselves, just pick a TV show format, insert hipster and hilarity ensues! Give it a try, we can’t really do what we want to these pizzle-wits in reality but in the land of comedic imagination WE write the scripts. Laughter is the best weapon against pretension, pomposity and false entitlement. And we are loaded for bear.
Busy today with my group’s dinner but will be writing more soon.
INFLICT H.B.H. AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY!
I bet Redd Foxx would’ve had a field day on an audience full of trustafarians.
Damn right, those buncha dummies! Know why you don’t see many black hipsters? Cause most brother’s johnsons wont fit in them skinny ass white girl jeans!
ROFL!!!!!!!
For all you fans of the gritty streets of NY and Brooklyn (prehipster invasion). A clip from a little known movie Vigilante (1983) with a car chase through the streets of Williamsburg. Could not stop thinking if this were to occur today how many hipsters would have been run over!
Answer: not enough.
Interesting sign. Is it still “art” if I get a pair of underwear with that image on the front?
I love this blog…you know them so well…I almost love the little Joshs and Emilys and their flyover states. You’re making me love them! But I don’t live where you live. More power to you x
I’m sure most of you have seen this, but damn I caught it again and the honkers in the video irritate me greatly. I thought Henry handled it all with a grace learned only under repeated pressure.
“…she’s done a lot more than any over tattooed trust fund kids that’s trapsed in here in the
last 40 years will ever do.”
And it’s absofuckinglutely INSANE to expect ‘Hank’ to do anything EXCEPT say exactly what is on his mind at any given minute. Even in mid-life his filtering system is only going to work so hard
on behalf of some fucktwit suburban spawn who will never, ever understand the real difference
between growing up hard on purpose and growing up hard because you have no other god damned way in to adulthood except in the company of the other 10 people in the city nobody gives
a rats ass about – ESPECIALLY the ‘deck’ kids! – and try to stay sane while living in the
streets. Misfits, not hipsters. There’s a distinct and,imo, important difference between the two and you either know what it is or you can only guess and be wrong every time.
The hipsters ability to appreciate this woman’s seperation from her family by thousands of miles,
to live in exile in a strange country full of smug, self-satisifed little brats whose
greatest pain is in missing a reely kewl party two days ago and having to buy food
from someplace other than Whole Foods ( oh the horror!! ) between depleted trust fund
checks, is nil. The irony of them saying someone doesn’t ‘get’ a thing is that THEY
don’t get it and they never will. 90% of these trihards will be married, fat, and balding
while they create more suburban sprawl in ten years than could ever be imagined or created
by any previous generation.
Hipsters = locusts.
Hipsters = bedbugs.
oops…sorry folks…
I knew exactly what vid you were referring to.
Hipsters congregating on your stoop? Here’s a method an aquaintance of mine used in the old crackhead days in Mt. Auburn. He drilled a hole next to his door jamb, fed a half in. line through to the stoop and attached a funnel inside. When the crackheads gathered he’d pour a cup of common household ammonia into the funnel and listen to the collective gasps and “Ah, hell noes” until they left then poured a gallon of water through the line to clean up. Simple, effective, non- violent and he had the cleanest stoop in the ghetto!
LOL!! Nice! Now THAT’S creativity.
C.S.I. WILLIAMSBURG: OPENING SCENE. A hipster infested street corner in Billyburg. A sheet covered body with a stream of blood issuing from it lies on the sidewalk. Next to it is a shopping cart with a 38 year old Zooey wedged ass first into the basket surrounded by uniforms and EMTs attempting to pull her out by her cankles. Lenny the Detective approaches.
DETECTIVE: “What’s up, Jaworski?”
UNIFORM: ” Hi Lenny. Alledged unprovoked attack on a male hipster, dead on the scene. We’ve been trying to get Ms. Cankletwat outta the cart for 10 minutes so she can make a statement!”
CANKLETWAT: “LIKE YAH! GET ME OUTTA HERE YOU FACIST OPPRESSORS!”
DETECTIVE: “Calm down Ms. Cankletwat, we’ve got a cutting torch coming and we’ll get you out as soon as we can. Can you tell us what happened?”
CANKLETWAT: “Like, yah! My boyfriend and I just came out of Whole Foods and decided to be whimsical and urban and spontaneous just like we saw on this blog so we stole this cart and he was pushing me down the sidewalk while I played my ukulele to entertain the masses. Then this big uncultured thug ran right into us with his ass then started yelling hurtful things about us being hipsters, whatever those are, and grabbed Caleb and beat him to death with my ukulele screaming about bedbugs and high rent and shitty fucking music and other stuff that made no sense!”
DETECTIVE: “Can you describe him, mam?”
CANKLETWAT: “DON’T CALL ME MAM! Address me as Ms. Cankletwat, you Neanderthal!”
DETECTIVE: “Calm down Ms. Cankletwat, what did he look like?”
CANKLETWAT: ” Yah, he was like, old like 40 and had big misshapened arms and was some kind of ethnic like Italian or Polish or something and he was wearing a plain Tshirt and really loose pants and very uncool shoes! I demand that you find that animal immediately or my Daddy’s lawyer is going to sue the NYPD and the City Council and you and the EMTs and Whole foods for leaving this cart where we could steal it! His fingerprints must be on my ukulele, it’s around here somewhere!”
CLOSEUP OF DETECTIVE’S FEET, UKULELE BEHIND HIS HEELS. DETECTIVE KICKS UKULELE INTO STORM DRAIN.
DETECTIVE: ” HUH! I don’t see it anywhere, the perp must have taken it with him. Well, we’ll put out an APB with his description and get our best men on it, Ms. Cankletwat.”
CANKLETWAT: “YOU FUCKING BETTER YOU PIG! MY DADDY HAS A LOTTA POWER IN THIS TOWN AND HE’LL SEE TO IT YOU LOSE YOUR JOB IF YOU DON’T FIND HIM!”
DETECTIVE: “YES, MAM! We’ll get right on it!”
CLOSEUP OF DETECTIVE’S HAND AS HE CRUMPLES THE NOTEBOOK PAGE WITH THE PERP’S DESCRIPTION AND SURREPTITIOUSLY TOSSES IT INTO THE STORM DRAIN.
END SCENE.
Marry Me?
Maybe, my dear. A few questions first: Are you now or have you ever been a hipster?
What is your opinion of Mast Bros chocolate-like substance?
Are you afflicted with quirkiness?
Have you ever taken a gritty urban safari into darkest Brooklyn and tweeted about it?
Do you play the: kazoo, ukulele, kazoolaphone, spoons or finger cymbals?
Does your diet include murdered baby animals?
Do you know where we can buy some murdered baby animals?
Do you own more than one Apple product?
Answer these questions and if you’re female under 65 without profuse tattoos or cankles you may have a shot!
No, I have never been a hipster/yuppie/urban transplant. I am a born and raised Brooklyn gal. I still live in the house I was born in and hope to keep it that way and hipster/rent killer free.
I’ve never tried this choclatey substance you speak of, is it worth trying?
No, I have no such afflictions or eccentricities nor odd musical “talents”. I do not tweet, I hardly facebook. Some things people should keep to themselves though they haven’t seemed to learn that yet.
Yes I eat murdered baby animals. I will never be vegetarian or vegan. I am too fond of the Big Mac.
The only apple product I own is a brand new ipod I finally gave in to buying, only because it had the largest storage capacity.
And last but not least I am a 25 year old female who has not yet reached the cankle threshold with 6 small and meaningful tattoos. None of them being stars, diamonds and finger mustache shits.
Ah shit, you’re way out of my age range. I’M NOT YOUR DADDY I’M YOUR GRANDPA! Shame, you sound like a real catch! Any chance you’re a codger-chaser?
Dang! Not fond of being jail-bait, that I know of. (Kudos to the jingle plug in btw) Got any sons? haha
None that I know about, I always wrap that rascal! And I want the jingle as a ringtone!
SMH all the good ones….
Here ya go: http://www.mytinyphone.com/ringtone/2016989/
Thank you, m’dear. Once again I meet a kind person out in Scary Internet Land.
“in her clay stained granny dress from her pottery making hobby job” lmao dude you’re brilliant, jersey loves you!
I absolutely love it!