Arty the Seal Critiques: “Art”

Welcome to a new segment called Arty the Seal Critiques: “Art”. This segment is dedicated to pointing out that everything is not ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART that these hipsters make although they think it is because it’s just way too easy to slap the word art on it and call yourself an artist. A fan and commenter ‘DIEHIPSTERSCUM’ was nice enough to make this graphic of Arty the Seal that you see to your left. I love it. I mean, I liked my shitty one I made the other day, but this one is much better. So basically Arty will tell you in a video what he thinks about the “so-called art” featured in the post and then I will translate it for you. By the way, Arty is a hipster hating seal that lives in the NY Aquarium in Coney Island – real Brooklyn. He barks like an alarm when he sees an out of place hipster who has crossed the red line into southern Brooklyn and is wearing a ski hat and scarf in 85 degree weather on the boardwalk.

Link: The Brooklyn Paper – Under the Muck.

Today Arty the Seal critiques a “team of artists” who have “unleashed a fleet of remote controlled toy mini-boats” into the Newtown Creek equipped with underwater cameras to record the toxic sludge and human waste that lie beneath. You’re probably wondering – where’s the art? Hipsters sure do have a fascination with toxic creeks and canals in Brooklyn, don’t they? They eat, drink and play right along them (Gowanus and Newtown) all the time. So let’s hear what Arty has to say.


You stupid fucking Megans. This is not art! I repeat, THIS IS NOT ART ART ART ART ART. This is a junior high school science project at best. I know when your airplane from Wisconsin landed in JFK a couple years ago you delusionally heard the flight attendant announce “you may now unfasten your seatbelts and call yourself a Brooklyn artist” but wake the fuck up you frauds. Stop pointing at everything and pretending you have some keen artistic eye. You suck walrus cock. I should bitch flipper slap you. How can you display a video of toxic sludge and human shit in an art gallery and not realize that you are a fucking try-hard. REMEMBER! ITS NOT ART!

147 thoughts on “Arty the Seal Critiques: “Art”

  1. Love the new Artie!

    The article has a bit of butthur in the comments section. One guy (or what passes for a guy in Park Slope) seems to think these women are geniuses – designing and building the boats themselves.

    His opinion is that projects like ths inspire others much like the movie “October Sky” inspired kids to become aerospace engineers.

    Actually my inspiration to work in aerospace was strapping mail order baby alligators to really big bottle rockets and N*gger Chasers (sorry…but that’s what they were called. I think they changed the name to “Whistling Chasers”. No offense intended).

    • We used to attach roaches to bottle rockets and call them “Bug Glenn”.

    • Pat, was reading your mature, masterful and commanding responses to a few of those overgrown manbabies on that article’s comment thread and have to say, I have great respect for you. Made your point with many, solid examples, and showed the whiny-assed bitch hipsters for what they are: emotionally immature shits who will attack anything and anyone who will not validate them.

      The only people I despise more than them are the parents whose abdication of parental duties created these fuckers.

      • Scott, aren’t you some whiny gay bitch who spends your time having tantrums on Twitter?

        • Ah, another brave-ass, anonymous homophobe mancunt. There sure are a lot of you impotent little things running around out there.

    • Pat, going to repost your rant here from that section so everyone gets a chance to read it as it totally relates to the discussion. Hats off to you!


      When you are talking about the intersection of art and science I assume you mean the symmetry found in nature, geometry, curves generated by a calculus equation, DNA strands, etc. If this is true, then, yes I agree with you.

      Still – what does zany toy boats have to do with science – when science is not the point of the project?

      I would back this 100% if the project was intended for children. But it’s not. It’s meant to be ART…Bad ART…REALLY BAD, PRETENTIOUS, LOOK AT ME ART.

      Which brings me to another point.

      I absolutely detest how almost everyone in Brooklyn is an artist or a musician. Art curriculums push these tools out into the worldwith the regularity of a morning bowel
      movement. And I don’t hate the fact that their artists. I like art. I’ve taken several art history classes as recently as 5 years ago.

      I hate bad artists. And that’s what brooklyn is full of.

      Art colleges are partly to blame. But the bulk of the hatred should be directed at art critics and “gallery” owners. They put crap on a wall and Meghan and Caleb buy it based on gallery owners pitch – a pitch that would make a time share salesman blush with embarassment.
      The dimwits feel intimidated, nod in agreement and buy the piece. Then of course they get their chance to feel smug when THEY get to give the same spiel to their friends.

      The same goes for such hipster annexed terms like “artisan”and “hand-crafted”. Boy talk about watered down. This term allows some j*ckoff who hot glues reclaimed lumber into a shelf at the same level as a master furnituremaker.

      A girl I dated in Italy had an art degree. A REAL art degree – as in painting, anatomy, etc. She worked as a restorer – gessos and rare masters found in churches and villas. This – is an artist. I watched 18 year old kids in Mola Di Bari hand cut and lay marble inlays so precise you could not stick a razor blade in the joints. Their master – a family friend took me to his shop where I watched him carve architectural mouldings for thetown church.


      So what does Brooklyn have? A performance artist who gave birth in a gallery. Etsy. A bunch of wanna be Weegees taking photos of water towers, graffiti and dead birds.

      And if they bl*w the right person they’ll get a showing.

      A good friend of mine makes 18th century reproduction furniture. By hand. Using traditional colonial implements. No power tools. Literally he can go from to furniture with a handful of tools.

      And he’s damn good.

      His stuff wasn’t selling. I went over his pitch with him. The problem was – people who are willing to pay 10-15K for a chest of drawers want to know what they’re paying for. So he developed a song and dance for them. The icing on the cake was a little hand sewn pouch put in a drawer that contained wood shaving and a small scroll
      about some arcane woodworking lore. Now he’s doing well.

      Hipsters have it too easy. Why? because back in the day, in order for you to be considered an aristocrat or an intellectual, you had to know what “good was”. Art schools do a piss poor job of teahcing the fine points of art. parents fund little Jeb and Micah so they don’t have to suffer. Gallery shows happen as a result of who you know or sleep with. Hipsters puff out their chests and proclaim themselves artists or craftspeople. No hard knocks, no apprentices. So their work sucks because it’s not developed. In the meantime. Mommy daddy and their friends blow smoke up the behinds and reassure them that they’re talented and creative.

      In closing. I’m gonna realy a short story I love telling.
      When my son was 6 or so I took him him to the Philadelphia museum (they have an awsome armor collection). we walked through the european art section and I did my best with my limited knowledge of art to explain composition, symbolism, etc to my kid.

      we found our way into themodern art section. there on the wall was a blank canvas with a single, vertical white strip. In front of the painting was a handful of hipsters practically fawningover this “art. We were standing next to these people when my son asked:



      Is that art?

      Some people think so…

      and the nice painting in the other room…that’s art too?


      (pause) dosen’t look likethis guy tried very hard.

      • That was a masterful reply!

      • I’m glad you reposted this because a lot of the comments, most notably this one, have disappeared since last night.

        • That’s odd – considering this comment was not insulting. I’m surprised – Brooklyn Paper Normally does not do this.

          • I was surprised myself. Perhaps your response made the author of the article question his own “craft” and therefore eliminated the competition. Great job btw sir!

  2. Megan’s reply: If a picture of a crucifix in piss is art, then so is this, stupid artophobic seal !

  3. “I should bitch flipper slap you.” HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Excellent job today, Arty the Seal!

  4. From the video linked to the article (which I unfortunately watched): “But we need your help to buy shit to fund our useless project because we don’t want to work for the money and our parents won’t give us any more. We’re too busy making toy boats anyway.”

    Cleaning up the Newtown Creek is a GOOD thing, and I’m glad the EPA is FINALLY doing something about that toxic pit. (There are theories about it contributing to higher cancer rates in those areas!) But unless these videos are scientifically useful (to like, ACTUAL scientists and not faux artists), WTH is the point? I live pretty close to that sludgefest, and I do NOT want to interact with it until the EPA cleans that shit up. Maybe that chick should let her baby swim in it? Swimming lessons, in Newtown Creek! That’ll be next…..

    • You are so dead-on…. there are scientists in the EPA that make studying and cleaning up superfund sites their living, yet, they don’t go around barking for artistic attention like these flabby-armed douche-canoes. I really want to understand the thought process of these assholes, but no matter what angle I try to look at it from, it doesn’t ever add up. Arty the seal needs to go flip-slap and bite them in the cankles :P

      • Agreed: re angles, I tried too. They want money to fund a gallery full of pictures of sludge, that’s all of it. And there’s plenty of them here already (because of course I had to go look all this shit up), so I don’t know why we’d need more:

        You know what? I want money for stuff too! I’m a musician! Maybe I should make a video asking people to fund my latest opera about sludge in Newtown Creek! Arty will be a character! And Sludgey the Blob Monster will be the hero who saves native/non-hipster NYers from high rents and bad art! Maybe he will eat all of the hipsters in a triumphant finale! But I digress……

        Anyway, I can’t even believe the EPA is letting them do it. Do they have permits? Aren’t they screwing with the EPA project? I love you DH and Arty, but sometimes I get so worked up about these a-holes I can barely keep my head from exploding.

    • Now I’ve DEFINITELY seen that Kickstarter video:

    • A good friend of mine was an army brat in the 50s in Germany. The housing for his family was slapped together from scrounged materials post war time. The toilet pipe from the upper floors was a 6in transparent plexiglass pipe running down the wall completely exposed. When the upstairs neighbors flushed they got a show. Meghan and her ilk would probably showcase it as (wait for it) ART ART ART ART ART and tweet it all over the net. That or monitor the flow for non- locally sourced non-organic contraband food residue and turn in their neighbors to the Karma Police.

  5. Hipsters vs. C.H.U.D.

    Go C.H.U.D.

  6. “He barks like an alarm when he sees an out of place hipster who has crossed the red line into southern Brooklyn and is wearing a ski hat and scarf in 85 degree weather on the boardwalk.”

    I’m cracking up visualizing Arty chillin out on the Boardwalk and pointing with his flipper, hopping up and down, and barking his head off at the top of his lungs every time he spots a hipster. Once Arty spots them, then the rest of us can grab the hipster and play a new version of Shoot the Freak – blowtorch edition.

  7. “I should bitch flipper slap you” <— This. Kudos, DH, you have provided yet another awesome insult to add to the arsenal :)

  8. Send all the kooks that get in my way on a hurricane swell,to surfing lessons with that fucking creep frank from ny surf school in newtown creek!!!

  9. And in related news, remember the “Free-Range Children” movement that DH brought up a while back? Its advocate is now charging parents $350 to drop kids off at a park and let them play while unsupervised.–abc-news-topstories.html

    I have to say that the Meghan behind this was brilliant. Why leave kids to their own devices when she can charge $350 a head to let helicopter parents blame someone else? “Now I know why you’re 35 and you refuse to move out of the house! It was the park trips, WASN’T IT?”

    • Yeah – this business venture should make the folks at Amber Alert real happy.
      Not too long ago when my son was still interested in spending hours at the playground I would see idiotic hipster parents – texting or e-mailing while their kids wandered off toward the woods or toward the lake.

      Lucky for these nimrods, there were always a few alert parents who would see a toddler venturing into a potentially dangerous situation and intervene. The reaction from the hiptards was a mumbled, “thanks”. Then they would return to their business.

      Around this time a mom whose daughter would always play with my son, stopped showing up. When i ran into her a few weeks later she said she stopped taking her daughter to the playground because she would get pissed off at the hipsters letting their kids run off to lord knows where.

      So like you – hats off to this Meghan.

        • to these people, babies, phones and accessories are all the same, so one must trump the other right?

          • Back a few years when Paris Hilton and her ilk of money charred, situational ethics crowd were hot news items, I recall seeing a lot of them with ‘designer dogs’ that were quite literally carried around as fashion accessories. Oh, they’d coo at them sometimes for the camera but everyone knows what the deal is with a tiny dog stuffed into a tiny bag.

            IOW, living things have no real value. Gadgets do.

        • “…with stunted imaginations and an inability to grasp anything abstract.” Does this ring a bell, folks? As in EVERY TRANSPLANT?

      • Shit, you were lucky. I’ve rescued a few kids in situations like this, especially with the three-year-old who nearly climbed over a guardrail at a mall while Mom was texting someone. I managed to stop the kid from falling three stories, turned him in the direction of his mother, and just pointed out that she might keep a closer eye, and all she wanted to scream was “Are you saying I’m a bad mother?” Finally, I belted out, loud enough for the whole mall to hear, “YES!”

        • I caught a dude in his twenties once who was leaving his baby – not even a toddler, a baby – inside his car on an August day in a hot, humid place. It wasn’t a ‘dash in’ to the store situation. Homeboy was parked far from the store he was headed towards. I stood by his car and watched him go in as he ignored a loud “Hey! What about your kid?”. I got on the phone and called the cops and stayed till either they or the father showed up. Dad came back and it took everything I had not to beat him within an inch of his life. He starts scrambling and sputtering about beating it and I mentioned it was too late, the cops were on his way.

          He said,”Well they’re not here yet!” as he opened his driver door. I said,”Whoops, wrong again Mr.Responsible. They’re right behind you.”

          Seeing him turn around and nearly bump chest with a tall, muscular cop was priceless. I would’ve laughed harder if I could’ve forgotten the distance look on that babies face as it stared through the glass at me.

          I’m sorry, but there’s no excuse for that sort of knowing endangerment of a child. There’s just not. Fifteen minutes is a long, long time for something vunerable and alive inside a car with closed windows on a hot day. These types of kids will have to be rescued over and over from their…….’parents’.

    • Lenore Skenazy, you are a huge asshole. I was once sunbathing in Central Park and man sat across from my friend and I and took it out and started masturbating. I was also flashed outside of Central Park once. Why pay $350 to that lunatic? Just drop your kids off with the masturbater or flasher, they’ll take care of them for free!

      • Lenore is no asshole. She is AGAINST helicopter parents, and the same stuff we are. She rails against parents that coddle their kids to the point of inability to do for themselves. She is a real NYer. ONE OF US! Don’t be confused by the name.

        She decided to charge for having kids at the park because she figures that the same people who pay for every ridiculous activity might consider letting their kids FREE PLAY at a LOCAL PARK, if they think it’s worth money.

        I hope she succeeds. I also hope she gets a lot of publicity. Read her site a few times before you complain. The real problem here are the parents she is targeting, who refuse to let kids play like regular humans.

        You want to end kidadults? You are a supporer of Free Range Kids then, whether you know it or not.

  10. Arty needs to get turned loose over on N.3rd St, in the Masturbation Brothers of Iowa shop. I apologize if this made it on DH already, but I was reading some Masturbation Brothers reviews on Yelp, and came across this beauty from 11/5/2010:

    “Sorry – but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
    Went on a “tour” led by Candace. I don’t know if she’s ditzy or was drunk (I’m not being facetious – I really wondered) but she kept losing her train of thought while sitting on a bag of cocoa beans and picking at the soles of her shoes. Later, in the tour she off-handedly mentioned that it’s not that uncommon to find a Mast Brother beard hair in the chocolate. Really? Are you really that oblique? The chocolate is good, yes, and it’s understandable why it’s so expensive. However, it’s really not worth the cost, as far as taste and texture. So, if you want to pay a lot for a chocolate bar because it’s made with fair trade beans, shipped by sailboat, hand poured and wrapped and is incredibly trendy, knock yourself out. If you just want a good bar of chocolate (without the beard hairs) try something else.”

    We joke around about hipster beard hairs in the chocolate, but holy fuck it’s really true. I think I’m gonna throw up. If I was on that tour, I’d walk out the second they started talking about redbeard hairs making it into the chocolate, and get on the phone with the NYC DOH, and would call them day and night until that fucking hipster hive was raided. Could you imagine something that would make you want to grab a louisville slugger faster than finding a goddamn midwest hipster transplant’s redbeard hair in your food?

    • I remember reading that too. Disgusting. I still can’t believe they made that Ny times list the other day. It’s unimaginable to me.

      I’m telling you, fucking rat that crosses through the Path train tunnels from NJ and spends one night in NY and goes back forever to me is more of a new Yorker than the red beard brothers.

  11. Do I hear Arty in the background around 0:10 bitch flipper slapping you?

  12. Agree – It’s really unbelieveable how we’ve been invaded by these bearded, scarf wearing kidult fucks. Was thinking about this yesterday – back before 2001, you never really thought about where people were really from that you met; either they were born New Yorkers, or were people that came to New York because they loved what it stood for and assimilated & blended into the existing culture, or hard working immigrants who came here from other countries for the chance to work; these people added to the greatness of NY when they came; these groups seemed to cover about 99% of everyone you ran across.

    Now, every person you see, the first thing that crosses your mind is “no way this guy/girl is originally from New York”. Or when you’re on the subway and look around, and start counting all the people in your head that you just know are transplants seeking urban attention. It really has become a mediocre liberal arts campus for attention starved pussies.

    • The fact that they all chose a place they can be comfortable acting like spoiled brats and surrounded themselves by other parentally-funded try-hards like themselves tells you just what worthless, fake and pretentious pussies they are. They didn’t make some daring, life-changing move with nothing but pennies in their pockets into uncharted territory, looking for a better life for their family, gaining new life experiences, or even developing a knowledge of other cultures and ideas. Instead they move here, stay safely within their little gentrified bubble with easy ATM access while displaying nothing but pompous and snarky attitudes, pretending they are from NYC, while condescendingly telling us all what art, food, and culture is while pricing out the people who have worked hard and lived here for generations and bastardizing the real diverse heart and soul the city had before the Wonderbread Invasion. I hate these fucks with a passion.

    • Ha! Thanks for the link Pat. There are some good ones in here.
      My favorites:

      People always want you to read what a tattoo says even though they all say the same thing, “look at me.”

      I’m writing a book called “Chicken Soup for the Twenty-Something Teenage Soul.”

      I’m not laughing at you I’m laughing against you.

      The ‘counter’ in counter culture now refers to the counter at a clothing store.

    • Good stuff there:
      I was writing in my notebook at a party full of pretentious hipsters when someone walked up and said, “what do you think you’re better than everyone here?” I told him, “of course I think I’m better than everyone here. That’s exactly why I fit in.”

    • “An ironic t-shirt typically has a double meaning. In addition to whatever the shirt says it usually means you’re an ass.”

      OUCH! I love it!

  13. “Stop pointing at everything and pretending you have some keen artistic eye. You suck walrus cock. I should bitch flipper slap you.”

    Arty the Seal, art critic – LOVE ya Arty

  14. “You suck walrus cock.” I’m gonna have to use that from now on.

    • The male walrus has a 2 1/2 foot solid ivory supportive bone in it’s penis. A daunting proposition even for cocksuckers like hipster ART ART ARTISTS.

  15. I love Arty the Seal but I was trying to remember where I first heard the ART ART ART routine.
    Now I got it. Gonzo from the Muppet Show! He was smashing something with a sledgehammer crying ART ART ART so people would know what it was. Seems the perfect metaphor for for hipster ART ART ART!
    I’m an old fart with minimal computer skills. Could some one please find this and post it for the amusement and edification of the upstanding (and hilarious) members of this last bastion of free speech in a PC world gone mad?

    • Here ya go:

      ART! ART! ART!

      • LOL Gonzo was Tenacious D before they were Tenacious D! So Gonzo says to Jack Black,”I’d tell you about my band, but you’ve probably never heard of us. Here’s some vintage vinyl you can take home with you.”

      • Thank you MD Burbs! As always, Diehipster regulars are ready to help out newbies like me in our efforts to amuse and educate the general public on this real and ever present threat to the American way of life; hipster based PC repression!
        Assholes complain that Diehipster is run by knee-jerk bigots who judge solely on appearance. Not so! I posted details of my beardedness and fedora wearing to Diehipster himself, stating my reasons and was politely emailed an even handed and respectful reply. Just goes to prove that reasonable men can disagree without reflexively hating.
        I applaud Diehipster and his followers, you brighten an old fart’s day!

  16. A real artist would make a real artistic statement by throwing his or her marionette-like body into Newton Creek and taking a deep lung-full of some of that authentic Brooklyn swampy shit stew. The rest of the pretenders can navigate their silly shit-boats around his semi-submereged carcass. The Nathans and Prestons can record it and put it on YouTube. Think of the symbolism. J.D. Salinger would be impressed: hipsters are full of shit!

  17. I’m an Art-lover. Fantastic work.

    Someone get Vince McMahon to do a WWE hipster villain. Instead of a folding chair, the evil hipster heel can smack good guy wrestlers in the back of the skull with a Mac Book and then whine to the ref when they’re disqualified.

  18. people how about arty the seal meets matthew silver ? lol

    • Then upload the video of Grampa Matt crying and talking about how cruel a cartoon walrus is to him.

      • I had the misfortune of running into Mr Silver on Monday while passing Union Square. He was wearing some red and white old timey bathing suit meets Mexican wrestler filthy outfit on “performing”with some unfortunate tourist. I stood there looking at him for all of 10 seconds before my friends pushed me along not even knowing that I knew who he was. They saw the look on my face and know how I feel about his kind. I really mourn for what that place has become. I don’t even wish to describe the other circus acts I saw as it is too pathetic for words. Damn shame!



    Art art art……

  21. In related news, you can bet that a whole herd of pipe-cleaners with beards will be on the phone tonight begging for more handouts from Mom and Dad:

    “But Daaaaaaaaaad! It is SO a real job! It pays and everything! Well, it pays in exposure, and the publisher allows us to lick the sweat off his balls three times a day! You’re telling me that you’d rather have me waste my English Lit degree working in a fucking BURGER KING than becoming the voice of my generation? What? You would? I HATE YOU! If you loved me, you’d give up dialysis and help me with my DREAMS!”

    The really sad part? Not only do I figure that this conversation will happen, in some variation or another, all over Brooklyn tonight, but you’ll see a whole slew of carpetbaggers from Dogfelcher Falls hopping on planes headed to New York because “I’ve got a job! I’ve got a job! Once they see how good I am, they’ll have to hire me full-time! I just know it!” Better get some good hipster beatings ready in reserve to help thin the herd…

    • And to tie in with previous posts about Amanda Palmer, check out this bit of news:

      After getting a little over $2 million on Kickstarter for her big project, now she’s ready to go on tour…expecting the actual fucking musicians to work for free. Considering that her husband Neil Gaiman makes such a big stink about writers never working for free, I wonder if he knows anything about this? Or if this only applies when it’s him and his loved ones, and not the beanfield peons necessary to make their projects happen?

      • How sad for him to have married that fraud. Neil has actual talent and he’s more than earned his stripes. I fondly recall The Sandman and his squonk eyed version of Punch and Judy.

        But her?

        geezus h christos…

      • That dumbass hipster Kristopher with a K could’ve been a millionaire too if he’d done it right. Swiping money off other dumbass hipsters. They really do eat their own.

  22. Wait, the seal hates hipsters yet has a beard and wears a fedora? Makes total sense.

    Stupid townies.

    • Get lost fucktard, you’re not the the real SS! He was entertaining, creative and funny. You’re the inverse of those things. You’re just another unimaginative,, bleeding-out-of-your-rectum-butthurt hiptard who was too lazy to come up with his own nick, and decided to ride the coat tails of someone with talent (like a typical hipturd).

    • You’ll never make it on this site. Or in Brooklyn. Or in NYC. Or anywhere.

      • Haha, you townies can’t even come up w/ a mascot that makes sense.

        • It make perfect sense: Arty is pissed because you hiptards bit his style and ruined it!
          Take your goatse-ated butthurt elsewhere.

          • You dopes should try paying attention at DeVry next time.

          • Because the Art Institute is so much better?

          • Devry = the one place that causes your parents to say “he may as well have attended Devry considering how much money we threw away for his worthless his art degree at a ‘good’ school, and how much more we still throw away to keep a roof over his head, to keep him from moving back in with us, and to keep him from having to resort turning tricks in public restrooms. We should have been honest with him concerning his lack of talent”.

          • Anyone who even sleeps through a class at DeVry has more job skills than you.

        • Oh, and come up with an original nick instead of stealing one from your betters!

          • Well, if he wants to steal from his betters, “Trey Parasucko” and “MockingYou” are free right now…

          • I give credit where it’s due. Steve was actually smart. Hell, he’s a Mensa level genius compared to the hiptards I’ve recently seen on DH and on other sites.

          • Sure. He could probably have made something of himself too if he hadn’t spent his entire college time trolling Craigslist, diehipster and other sites with his diatribe instead of studying for his computer science degree.
            And if he hadn’t wasted his talent taking moody pictures of himself and his girlfriends (that he really wasn’t interested in in the first place).

          • Yeah. I agree. I think Steve was someone who wanted to be a hipster. He looked more like an Asian Duran Duran member (circa 1981, “Planet Earth” Video) crossed with an Asian Robert Smith (circa 1987) from some strange bizarro world, than any common variety of hiptard. I would actually mistake him more for a “scene kid”, “screamo” or some Asian subculture I don’t know about, before I would a hiptard.

            If he hung out in Asian social circles, I don’t think he would’ve had the “girl trouble” that led to his creation of Trey Parasuco. I’ve seen a few glammed out “Pretty Boy” Asian dudes around here with fine-as-hell Asian chicks on their arm — way better looking than the Gwai Lo-ettes Steve was sweating.

          • Uhm. Are we still talking about the 30 something, scarf in summer wearing, pretend vampire, hipster defending, effeminate, multiple screen name having Steve? Nope not a hipster.

          • Yeah him. I think he came off as wannabe hipster, which is actually worse than a real one. Furries, Bronies, Juggalos, and “otherkin” rate higher than hipsters. IIRC, he wasn’t exactly accepted by those he defended.

        • “townies”???? srsly???

          so, you’re from Ohio huh?

          yeah…kinda shows with the low IQ you obviously have…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…at least try to be mildly amusing if you’re going to bend your pale, boney little fingers…

    • Go home and finish sucking your daddie’s dick.

  23. Its going to be Christmas in September for all of the street thugs in DC.
    Happy September 21st you motherfuckers!!!!!

    Christmas is coming early this year.
    Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, Yah.

    • Nine seconds was all I could take. I hope Samsung and HTC sue the shit out of Apple (as the trade rags seem to think), and make the hiptards return their iBaubles.

  24. Remember these commercials? I’m sure this is how it all got started…

    • Those go way back, but the art and writing instruction schools all worked the same way: the “instructors” were paid to give encouragement to the worst sort of shit, just so long as the “student” kept paying. The various Art Institutes continue the nightmare: so long as the parental check clears or financial aid comes through, the Art Institute will continue to kiss the asses of the worst sort of student, and continue to tell them that they’ll get six-figure jobs if they finish the courses. Naturally, that’s a blatant lie, but it keeps these bottom-of-the-barrel try-hards paying for additional lessons.

    • Is that the musical inspiration for Drew and the Medicinal Pen?

  25. Just as a general note: not all “artists” or people engaged in so-called creative endeavors are head-stuck-up-their-ass hipsters. I am studying poetry in one of the better MFA programs – mostly because I wasn’t able to find a job as a secondary teacher in this shitty economy. I teach two sections of Composition I for Freshman to cover my tuition and very modest (i.e. slightly above minimum wage considering the hours I put in teaching) stipend. In some cases, I did have to rely on my dad after college because of the job market, but I am trying even now to pay back as much as I can, since that’s just common decency. There are a couple people in my program, particularly the females (though not all of them) who write what I consider vaguely politicized, obscurantist, self-indulgent crap. But some, like I hope myself, are just trying to capture the human condition as best they can, and maybe, if any of us are lucky, we’ll write one or two poems that future generations won’t find a complete waste of time. None of us expect to get rich or even get this sort of grant, which are much more widely available for an “artist” working in unconventional areas, especially ones like this that have a political message attached like this. The best we can hope for is to get teaching positions like the ones we already hold, only with actual salaries. I admit, we had a party at the beginning of the year and there was cheese and wine, but it was at one of the professor’s house and I think most of just had beer, and unironic beer since the profs don’t waste their meager salaries on irony. For the non-douches, we really are just trying to get by the best we can, so I hope you know, like I said, we’re not all like that.

    • “…I wasn’t able to find a job as a secondary teacher in this shitty economy.”
      “… I am trying even now to pay back as much as I can, since that’s just common decency.”
      See, that’s what sets you apart from the fauxhemian lemming herd – you’re actually working (even though for Coolie wages); you’re paying back your debt as best you can; and you actually have a sense of decency. Contrast that with the “vaguely politicized, obscurantist, self-indulgent” oxygen thieves that you observed. Best of luck to you.

    • I’m in the same boat, Burbs. Struggling on adjunct salary now, teaching music, trying to get a full time job. At this point, I’m about to leave academia. We will get by! My first-generation grandfather was born and raised in here in NYC and was an amateur opera singer–he sang with the Amato opera company, if you remember them. (So sad that they had to close. I’m sure an American Apparel or something will move into the building.) He worked as an accountant to support his family and made time to sing because he loved it. I considered him to be an artist, and was not a d-bag, but rather an inspiration! Most of my friends are musicians and artists who positively contribute to society. Non-douchy artists are OK! We need them to keep things real, and we need REAL music and poetry and art. =D

      • Agreed.

        Opera, wether one enjoys it or not, is an established art form that takes superior talent and there’s NO WAY to fake it. Any rube is instantly identifiable.

        That is not true of some other art forms and that includes Poetry, which is *highly* dependent on the shifting trends of written fashion, even amongst the literati who sit the judging panels for important submissions work. A billion and a half people probably consider themselves ‘poets’ of a sort and it’s too easy to argue from various perspectives what ‘counts’ as a work of poetry. I can think of things I would consider good standards to measure against, but as quickly can say what I consider a standard of any kind would be shouted down in a room populated by people of a different persuasion than myself. Who would be ‘right’?

        With Opera, man you either got the voice or you ain’t got the voice. And that’s just to *learn* Opera, nevermind the years of technical training it takes.

        Segovia, the great classical guitarist and, frankly, the groundbreaking artist that he was in that genre simply for making the guitar credible at all in classical music, was invited on to a local Los Angeles rock station for an ‘interview’ while in concert there. The doofus DJ, trying to be clever and edgy, asked him,”So, what do you think of Prince’s guitar playing?”.

        Segovia said,”Who?”.

        That one word question from a great talent, for me, spoke volumes.

        • To be fair, there are some bad/mediocre opera singers out there. But few (if any) hipsters pursue this art form. Probably because it DOES take a lot of work. Also it’s not exactly “hip.” =D

          • I would bet that there are ZERO hipster opera singers. Opera takes huge amounts of training and discipline, not to mention actual talent.

            The auditioned community chorus I sing with down here has done a few opera choruses over the years – very very hard work to do even adequately. I’m quite content to be a “spear carrier,” as dictated by my level of ability (Bass II). I’ve met many professional soloists, and every one is hard-working and humble – the complete opposite of the typical waste of space hipster.

            And all of our chorus members have full-time jobs that fund their musical passion. Not a dbag among us. Hang in there Soprano, we overcome in the end!

          • I’m sure there a few deluded cankleskanks out there that want to be the next Diamanda Galás or Kate Bush, dress in Victorian corsets and screech out some type of Avant Garde/Opera sludge to any one that will listen to them.

        • I actually write rhymed and metered verse, though admittedly, I’m the only one in my workshop. I can at least say that I but a lot of time and work into my poems. Though there are a lot of free verse poets who do the same – though the number that can just dash out lines that barely mean anything and get recognition because they’ve kissed the right asses is unfortunately higher.

  26. More hipster gold from occupied Neuw Breukelein:

    “Money looted

    An artist who kept a large sum of cash in his filing cabinet while workers renovated his studio on Moore Street discovered a nasty surprise when $7,000 went missing on Sept. 4.

    The man, who apparently didn’t believe in banks, told police that the money went missing from his studio between Graham Avenue and Humboldt Street sometime between noon and 10 pm the next day. No one was arrested.

    Phone snatched

    A thief snatched a woman’s cellphone right out of her hand as she was listening to music on Graham Avenue on Sept. 7.

    The woman told police she was near Johnson Avenue at 2 am, deep in thought and listening to music on her Samsung Galaxy phone, when a man ran up behind her and snatched the gadget out of her hand.”

    1) Hmm…North Brooklyn BASED “artist”, who ‘doesn’t believe in banks’, loses 7K cause he left it out while workers were in his place doing renovations. Wow, sounds like quite the aware, street smart urbanite, doesn’t it? I don’t believe in banks – LIKE YAH!!

    2) Who the hell sits on a NYC street at 2 fucking AM daydreaming while having electronic gadgets out, ready for the taking? She must think she’s still in Dogfelcher Falls.

    • SURE he left $7k IN CASH out while workers were in his place… Maybe the space aliens took it.

      • Come now, who among us has not had 7k in one place, at one time, in cash, in a filing cabinet like it’s no big deal? What solid Middle American values!

    • “2) Who the hell sits on a NYC street at 2 fucking AM daydreaming while having electronic gadgets out, ready for the taking?”

      I’m pretty sure we all have the perfect mental visual of who and what we are talking about here. These police blotter notices really brighten my day and put a smile on my face. Thank you.

      • No problem – and yeah, I’m picturing pretty much the same dumpy flyover Megan from the photo in Under The Muck article. These are the same hayseeds that sit on the A train right next to the doors at night with their laptops open, begging for an alert New Yorker to snatch it away just as the doors are closing. Of course, when you can just call back home and nasally honk about it until daddy puts an extra $1500 in the monthly gentrification allowance for a new one, you tend to not value shit the way…well the way an adult does.

    • Why do so many of them feel the need to dress up in ridiculous costumes?

      • Because they would have had their asses kicked back in Dogfelcher Falls for doing so. It’s all about the appeal of nobody around to tell them what to do: “You know, we stayed up all night. Now that’s what I call…ANARCHY!”

        • Would love to get that address and drop a dime to Joss Whedon about this special little screening as it is illegal to charge admission and set up events like this without permission of it’s creator. Maybe they think those little FBI warnings apply to everyone but them. I’m a HUGE Whedon fan btw it would be an HONOR!

          • I don’t know if you caught the big stink about five years ago along that line. A hipster movie projectionist contacted Twentieth Century Fox about a one-shot screening of an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer at his theater. Fox gave permission for one screening, and that was it. Said idiot took that permission as the okay to take it on the road, scheduling similar screenings all over the country and charging admission for the privilege. It was scheduled to play in Dallas the weekend before Fox discovered this and hit him with a truly incredible lawsuit. It’s because of this overstepping that studios are so anal about theatrical replays of television shows, because nobody wants to go through that shit again.

    • I clicked on their YouTube link and I’m sorry I did.

      The Wino: Wine Bottle Piano

  27. Ain’t much better here in Nashville, TN But I know the term Art Art Art from the early 80′s NYC punk scene as the band Rat At Rat R (art art art) Rrrrreeeaaalll rock n roll.

    • Rat At Rat were regulars at CB’s back then. The parentally-funded nasal try-hards that pollute the Bowery now would piss their pants the second they were dropped off in that neighborhood back then. Fucking fake ass bitches.

      • Excellent band. I was in a band for a short time with Victor, the singer/guitarist and Dave Howard, the drummer on their second album.

        nice to see that people here know about them.

        another band out of the same scene, a REAL Brooklyn band was Barkmarket. Add Cop Shoot Cop to that list too of amazing NYC music. Oh, and Swans.

        • Cop Shoot Cop and Rat At Rat R, I remember them well. I still have some of their CDs.I hung out with a group of people at my real job (not an upaid internship, not a fakeass Kickstarter hustle, not a pretend job hanging out in a pretentious coffee shop) that listened to them at work and then we’d go see them live. Good times.

          Now, thanks to hipsters we have unlistenable tripe like Death Cab For Cutie and Freelance Whales clogging up subway platforms.

  28. And in other news, Jimmy Fallon is producing a new unnamed series about Brooklyn hipsters:

    Okay, we’re talking about Jimmy Fallon and Fox, which means it’ll be cancelled about three minutes into the pilot episode. At the same time, though, I can only imagine the response in companies all over the country when it airs and co-workers in hipster-overrun companies all ask “Did you see that last night?”

    “Well, I didn’t think it was funny AT ALL.”

  29. Reporter Lauren Glassberg of WABC presents an un-ironic story of the Newtown Creek “armada”

    Canklesaurus – “Really what we wanted to accomplish with this project is to create a safe way to Interact with a Superfund site…ummm…so it wouldn’t be so abstract for them any more that we have this pollution problem in the city.”

    Well sheet, why not pour some Superfund Milk on some Superfund Flakes and ingest like pollution and stuff…like yah.

    • Only a hiptard would want to interact with a Superfund site. Just fucking brilliant.

      • I say more power to those idiots. Their DNA is already damaged. One can only hope their exposure to [insert one or more biohazards here] will render them sterile.

      • Yep. I think I’m gonna head over to US Steel and stick my head in a blast furnance so i can witness the Bessemer process first hand.

    • Typical hipster bitch. She makes it seem that the scientists and engineers were sitting on their asses and that her shitty little degree gives her more of an insight. The creek along with the Gowanus has been studied quite a bit so that the EPA and others can figure out the best way to deal with the waste problem.

  30. There was a very real perception that bi-racial was much worse for the white than it was for the person of color. The liberal culture screamed racism when there is a very reasonable explanation for this reality::::
    In this white punishment known as the United States the person of color has already adopted the disfavors/temptations intended for another race. But by associating/mating with a person of color the white is newly adopting the disfavors of another culture.
    And this is the reason why people of color are not welcome in the United States. The gods control everything:::The perception they want to create, the thoughts they want you to have.
    People of color can’t recover from absorbing the temptations from two cultures. And why they become more and more like so many blacks in America:::Veterans at absorbing the temptations of two cultures.
    To further illustrate this is why California’s educational system/funding was ranked #1 when California was white:::Education being the basis of the affluent economic system. Now even public higher education has become unaffordable.

    The gods placed us all into our own corners of the globe. As such for thousands of years we spent time and reproduced with out own kind.
    This is why mobilty/travel, biracial unions/offspring and partaking of other cultures is a sin::::
    Each has it’s own elements of disfavor, and by experiencing other cultures you are being exposed to these disfavors, which if people may adopt will make their state even worse than prior.
    The United States has been considered a “melting pot” where rejects from around the world were sent when kicked out of their motherland.
    Remember, this concept of cultural diversity is an element of the liberal platform the gods used to promote societal decay, revealed on the map with the “beast” that is the SanFranciscoBayArea and the spread of social deterioration that spread to the rest of the country and eventually to the entire globe.

    As with some things in this life “less is more”. Sex is one of those things. They used the liberal age to promote casual “free” sex intentionally::Combined with “women’s lib” and their initiation into the “trenches” of the workplace people experineced a mass masculinization of their females.
    The gods use sex as temptation. This is why the most disfavored among us are preoccupied with it. While some may feel being well-endowed is a sign of favor the truth is just the opposite. And often the result is misogyny, a belittling of the favored gender, and stagnation of the people as a whole.
    Less is more. When young women experience passing thoughts which say you’re doing something wrong instead of fighting or dismissing the thought you should heed the warning. Sadly in today’s world too many experience prolonged periods of promiscuity in their lives, whereas if married by 15 like throughout human history this disfavor was avoided.
    Don’t forget:::It is children who ascend into heaven, and the absence of sexual activity is one reason. Their general innocence is another, which should help you see the destructive nature of adult life in society.

    Ronald Reagan spent the communist block into submission with defense buildup, and in the process increased the National debt from $1 trillion in 1980 to $6 trillion when he left office.
    W charged both the Iraq and Afghanistan wars to the national debt, honest numbers to come.
    The gods used W to initiate the “Great Recession” with deliberate legislation/regulation changes, allowing the sub-prime fiasco and corporate irresponsibility/criminal behavior which led to the multi-trillion dollar stimulous package, pocketted by Republican friends and donors::::$5 trillion charged to the National credit card.
    This corruption is one element of evil in the party of good. War mongering is another.
    Damned if you do, Damned if you don’t::::With the Democrats you subscribe to social decay via liberlism, which WILL lead to the Apocalypse. Republicans are being used by the gods to bankrupt the United States, ultimately motivating people to the point of “desperation prayer” once anarchy presides::::Punishment designed to correct your behavior.

  31. The feathering spots when you push your palms into the balls of your eyes are a holding pattern. A promise. A quilt. A stitch in your teeth. The gas will make everything flat.

  32. Sigh…. this is all art schools fault. No matter how much you just want to learn technical skill and get an actual job working within the entertainment industry, they insist gaining part of those skills requires a bunch of hippy-dippy expand-your-mind assignments with equally batshit teachers making you produce “modern art” for a grade. Untalented bullshit artists really seem to excel at these projects because the actual assignment is to make some random crap and then explain it to the teacher in a way that proves you are clever enough to fool the teacher into thinking you are deep. I’ll give the schools the benefit of the doubt that these assignments are actually just practices to keep you from making boring art when you actually begin to draw/paint/create. Unfortunately, it seems most of these “artists” take this newly honed skill-set of believing if you make something extremely purposeful (“each boat represents a different part of canal life…”) its good art, even if its just a bunch of teak wood boats floating in a dirty river that was already scheduled to be cleaned. For some reason they think when you stumble back out into the real world you can keep doing the same bullshit you were doing in foundation art.

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