Today, as I was roping red beards like cattle with my sustainable hemp fiber lasso, I saw Zane and Blaine playing adult mid-week mid-day hide and seek in an abandoned warehouse on a gritty, urban street in Bushwick. So I went in, welded the doors shut and beat them into the consistency of Brooklyn-based artisanal farmer’s market raspberry marmalade with my trusty Louisville Slugger. End of story.
Recent Comments
Sheepshead Bites… on The End. Scooby Doo on Today’s hipster bea… Recovering Hipster on Hasidim Hipsters: Punk Je… T Nails on Today’s hipster bea… Recovering Hipster on Hasidim Hipsters: Punk Je… Site Visitors
Ha!
DH- you should really consider making a desk calendar with all these beatings. They’re brilliant!
yes! Something nice for the holidays, an advent calendar of beatings LOL
haa ha “roping red beards like cattle” LOL!!! brilliant! Also agree with Pat above, these need to be assembled in some way or form
Calendars, T-shirts, other merchandise, I’m down and will pay premium for them as long as they are from this site.
FREE UNATTENDED APPLE MACBOOKS IN WASHINGTON DC
LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, YAH!
Is “like” and “yah” a hipster thing? I don’t really understand the overabundant use of that as an assult here. Seems like more of a “Native New Yorker” trait to me.
If you’ve ever seen the movie “Fargo,” you’d know where “yah” comes from – it’s an upper Midwest thing, where all vowels are flattened. It may come from their ancestors, most of whom said “ja” instead of “yes,” but if you ever heard of something called “The Yoopers,” who are supposedly from Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, you’ll understand what I’m talking about: “Yah, hay dere. Yoo from da Yoo-Pee, yah hay?”
As for “like,” it’s about to using “like” between almost every word that isn’t “like”; such as “I, like, went down to, like, DUMBO and, like, saw a really, like, kewl piece of, like, perfomance art; yah.” I doubt that this kind of usage is a “Native New Yorker” trait, but I know for a fact that it’s common in fly-over cul-de-sac-ia, where most of these whiners are from.
Go to a public school and listen for a few minutes.
More like a few seconds if you can stand it.
About three weeks ago, I came across an idiot who left his MacBook on a McDonald’s table while he took phone calls outside. Since the reception wasn’t perfect, he wouldn’t stay near the door so he could watch his shit, and he sauntered toward the back of the restaurant while leaving his laptop alone. I did the right thing by staying there and keeping an eye on it for him, with about four people coming by, checking out the computer, seeing me, and deciding that it wasn’t worth the effort of swiping it. The twit finally came back in, a half-hour later, and went back to Websurfing, so I tapped him on the shoulder and pointed out “You really don’t want to leave a nice computer like this unattended.”
To this guy’s credit, he was suddenly horrified that he did that: he was jobhunting, and took the call outside for a phone interview. He also promised that he’d never do anything like that again. We’ll see. Even so, I wished him the best on the jobhunt, hoping that he never had that attitude about passwords or access cards. If he’d been a Like Yah, though, I wouldn’t have bothered sticking around, and then I’d have had grand fun with his frantic cries on Craigslist on how he NEEDED that computer. It’s amazing the inverse proportion between the incredible importance of what’s on the computer to how well they watched it when distracted.
ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART
Quietly walking out of an overpriced coffee shop with a gentrifier’s unattended macbook is ART
How in the world can your upbringing be so far from reality that you’d ever think of leaving an expensive item unattended for even seconds? Who’s raising these people? Dealing with reality must be like a giant hammer hitting them over and over. “What? You want me to work for money?? Like Yah.. you like want me to like pay my rent??? MOMMMY!!!!”
Urban Spelunking was growing very popular in Balftimore several years ago until one small coed group encountered a colony of heroin/crack/solvents freaks living in their warehouse of choice. One law enforcement friend of mine said a collegue on the Baltimore Police Force, described it as “Urban Deliverence” said he would never enter an abandonded warehouse in Baltimore without a firearm drawn, much less on armed only with a flashlight. I do remember the papers all running stories about the dangers of Urban Spelunking, specific details left out.
Bet they were “squealing like a pig.” Heh heh.
Many years back, I came across one of those urban spelunking chronicles online, involving my father’s old high school. While these twits got back alive and got plenty of pictures, they also related how, as they were finished, two cops flagged them down. Apparently, that neighborhood was so scary that even the cops didn’t go in without at least one car as backup (the decorative molding on the front of the high school had been popped more than a few times with an assault rifle, for instance), and they were really lucky that someone hadn’t decided to turn them into lunch.
The simple, unpretentious beatings are the best beatings.
To make it a true hipster beating, instead of a Louisville Slugger (“booor-ing, Ethan was beaten with one like 6 months ago”) go with a cricket bat.
I’d love to see one done with a hockey stick, as that is my sport of choice
I would love a Hipster beating in a pool hall, Steven Seagal style. Remember that one where he slipped a cue ball in a bar towel a fucked everyone up.
Tie one up to a goal and let a pro team go at Josh with 100 slap shots
Nah, I like the Louisville Slugger. It’s consistent with the current pennant races in the Majors and brings to mind the image of DeNiro as Al Capone in “The Untouchables.”
Go with the bat!
I just noticed that the guy giving the beat down is the guy who played Billy Batts in “Goodfellas.”
Frank Vincent (Phil Leotardo) from Jersey City.
I’d like to also pretend he found them watching this on their iCandy just before he connected with his bat:
Given the Hipsters love of such “sports” as kickball and hide and seek, I’m sure they also enjoy a good pillow fight. Well so do I.
UNICYCLISTS UNITE! FIGHT THE POWER!
http://brooklynpaper.com/stories/35/36/all_unicycleday_2012_09_07_bk.html
Today when I was walking my dog I saw a bunch of kids doing tricks on razor scooters by a WWI Monument the locals here call The Flagpole”. I was thinking south how long those types of scooters have been around and how I thought they’d be a passing fad, and how long will it be until we see the drew carrey / catpissman breed of chucky joshes riding them in lunch time traffic on the way to to the Wednesday afternoon round robin magic: the gathering tournament? when I hear one of the kids say “a unicycle?”. Right on cue some 50 shades of pale skinned yup in a way too small grey leisure suit comes unicycling by. I never want to give these look a me types the attention they so desperately crave so I didn’t look at him at all. When he was well behind me I did peak back just in time to see him nearly collide with a mailbox as he rubbernecked to try and catch me looking at him. Classic.
I thought I heard one of the kids say “what a tool” as they all laughed at him for nearly falling off his one wheeled wonder…
“So I… welded the doors shut…”
Don’t lie: You don’t know how to weld. You’re lucky you can even type…
And you’re not a hipster and hipsters don’t exist – right? God, this site must make you cringe for calling bullshit on your tryhard lifestyle. LOL. Good night Caleb.