Today’s hipster beating.

Today, on the Bedford Avenue L train platform, I overheard Tristan telling Autumn how he scored a baguette, 1/2 dozen cage-free eggs, and a 3.5 oz jar of organic marmalade – all for only $14.00 at the artisanal farmer’s market. So I tied his beard to her au naturale armpit hair, placed their Strand Book Store and Brooklyn Industries bags over their heads and fried them into cruelty-filled strips of bacon on the 3rd rail. End of story.

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117 Responses to Today’s hipster beating.

  1. Deena Dee says:

    Lmao!! What a good visual!!

  2. FUWI says:

    ‘cruelty filled’ LOL

    Can we pretend he was also mentioning work on his 3rd Kickstarter project because the last two were so stressful he had to take the money and have a vacation and find a healthy place inside himself while drinking beer in Germany?

    Speaking of Kickstarter, I don’t have time to build something like this myself but how about a Kickstarter project of failed Kickstarter projects? Or, is it too soon for that? Alright, well, how about a website mocking the scam artists and doing current project analysis…like a “Thinking of funding? Check here first.”

    Kickstarter is very open about the fact that they don’t do any filtering other than project length ( i think, but i could be wrong about that ).

    OTOH, maybe it’s a good sign that so many people have money to throw away to fund projects that ‘send our band on a tour of Europe’!!! or ‘Fund this zany group of kidults who take photos of themselves putting their drawings up on the refridgerator!’.

    If you ever need money DH, you know where to go. “Save my site that destroys the hipster ethos on a daily basis. I need to bring my core group to NY and so will need several condo units. I’m looking for funding in the million dollar range. Your reward? A t-shirt and matching poster that says”Never fear, Die Hipster is here!” and the calming knowledge that there are still reasonable people left in the world and they’re fighting FOR YOU!!

  3. Ted Danson says:

    Today on my way home from work I took a giant hammer and started beating the shit out of hipsters in a movie screening of the “400 Blows”. Every hipster got a blow, but not the kind they wanted. They thought my performance was “Meh” but overall “pretty decent.” Most went to the hospital, but don’t worry, they have freelancers insurance. So everyone was okay – because mommy and daddy make sure they are covered, even if they are working as a waitress even with their expensive BA from a strong college. But however they aren’t just a waitress because they choose to try to be an actor, it’s because they can’t get work and their parents told them to be whatever they wanted to be when they were younger. They dress and act like hipsters. Overall it’s the fault of the post-industrial wasteland known as the USA. So I took a giant nuke and dropped it on the USA, pretending to be Pakistan.

    We declared war with Pakistan, and then we launched into WWIII.

    A lot of people started dying, but ironically, not because of our fighting with Pakistan, but because we diverted all funding into this war that could have gone towards solving the environment.

    More and more draughts occured, and around the world, poor water supplies and starvation took the lives of over a billion people.

    And while this was happening, here I was in my room typing on my Macbook Pro, posting another fucking retarded “hipster beating” on my favorite website, Die Hipster.

  4. Pat I says:

    DH you raised the bar by finally incorporating armpit hair. Hats off!

  5. Pat I says:

    WHIMSY! WHIMSY! WHIMSY!
    ZANY! ZANY! ZANY!

    Has Brooklyn gotten so infested that anyone can start a sing-a-long on a train?

    • HipstersAreNotHip says:

      A Pabst Blue Ribbon trucker hat. Of course. These fuckheads are so predictable.

    • The Robespierre Of the Jet Set says:

      When are these assholes going to figure out that they should be drinking Natty Bohs and not PBR? National Bohemian’s mascot even LOOKS like one of them.

      “From the Land of Pleasant Living® comes National Bohemian, a treasured mid-Atlantic brand since 1885. National Bohemian, or Natty Boh is Baltimore’s signature beer and a legend among American beers.”

      Probably because it’s not from Wisconsin – but neither is Pabst! While Blue Ribbon was originally brewed by the Pabst family in Milwaukee, Pabst Brewing is now based in LA. If they want to drink a REAL Milwaukee beer, they should be drinking Lakeshore or Sprecher.

      • MD Burbs says:

        Natty Boj isn’t as bad as PBR. If you want Really Bad, drink Hamm’s – watered down cat piss ™.

        • MD Burbs says:

          Ops! Meant Natty Boh. Great with crabs, too. Here, the kind from Chesapeake Bay, in Brooklyn, well, you know…

        • The Robespierre Of the Jet Set says:

          “From the Land of Sky-Blue Waters; Hamms, the beer refreshing.” They used to sponsor Cubs games on WGN in the ’60s. Now, DREWRY’s; that was a beer – they sponsored the White Sox when Harry was THEIR “legendary announcer,” along with Jimmy Piersall:

          Harry (soundy perplexed): Jimmy … you’re crazy.
          Jimmy: Ha ha! That’s right, Harry – and I’ve got the papers to prove it!

          I fucking hate the Cubs, even though I grew up a couple of blocks from Wrigley – you don’t do to a 13-year old what they did to me in 1969 and expect them to ever be a fan again. It doesn’t help that they have a cutesy-poo hipster fanbase these days and that Wrigley is nothing more than a big biergarden meat-market – hardly anybody pays any attention to the game anymore. The neighborhood’s become an overpriced Yup/ster theme park, with more Irish bars per square mile than Dublin.

          When I was a kid it was mostly hillbillies and Puerto Ricans – Wrigley had no parking lots, so outsiders who drove had to park on neighborhood streets. We’d come up to them as they got out of their cars and say, “We’ll watch your car for $5.” When they’d ask why, we’d tell them that if somebody wasn’t watching their car in that neighborhood during the game, well, y’know, something might HAPPEN to it. Nice little extortion racket we had going on there for a few years.

          Then suddently, towards the end of my high school career, it turned into WRIGLEYVILLE, which was realtor-speak for gay-friendly. Then, as the Yups started to move in during the early-’80s and the rents went up the gays moved over to Boy’s Town over off Halstead, and Wrigleyville became realtor-speak for overpriced apartments with big-time maintenance issues. Today it’s all condoed-out, populated by trust-fund hipsters and wealthy young professionals with baby carriages, and they smugly call it Cubbyville. I’m happy to be viewing this revolting development from a couple thousand miles away these days … although I do miss the occasional cheddar burger at Murphy’s – make mine Medium with the high-maintenance package, won’t'cha, Wes?

          • tcaster says:

            Murphy’s?
            You just gave yourself away man.

          • The Robespierre Of the Jet Set says:

            Explain.

            • The Robespierre Of the Jet Set says:

              As I thought, tcaster – you can’t explain. Just playin’, aren’t'cha?

              Well, I have an idea. Let’s have a kickball tournament this weekend – you come to Vegas, and once you get here I kick you in the balls. How’s that sound?

            • tcaster says:

              If you’re pinin’ away for Murphy’s, you helped change that neighborhood into the frat house it is today.

              • The Robespierre Of the Jet Set says:

                My ASS, fuckhead – I grew up in that neighborhood with Wes, as well as Dave and Ralph Carson, three of the bartenders. I suppose I DID help to turn it into the frathouse it is today, but only by moving out and leaving my residence for some hipster fuck to overpay rent on. Besides, a good burger’s still a good burger, asshat, regardless of where it’s served … and PARTICULARLY for lunch on a Saturday, before the hipsters and frat boys ever get out of bed. To quote John Cleese, “your type really make me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodourous pervert.” Go try to ruin someone else’s day, loser.

          • Pat I says:

            This was on PBS years ago. It’s a documentary on Gentrification in Ohio (I think). Amazing how once the interlopers get a foothold they start pushing the long time locals around and out.

            The one realtor in the doc (it’s long) keeps salivating over this house owned by an old woman. Nothing the realtor (initially) does can get her evicted. At one point she’s talking to the cameraman after one of her failed attempts, looks at the house and says, “you too shall pass”.

            Nice. When i first saw this documentary I wanted to strangle every gentrifier in it.

            • Boston Mike says:

              Depressing. The gays there are such hypocrites. They march and shout about getting equal rights under the law, but in this documentary, they use their money and collective power to reshape the local zoning laws in order to basically eradicate the locals and deprive them of THEIR right to stay in their own neighborhood. Despicable shits.

          • Observant Citizen says:

            When you rent and are told to leave, you leave. If you are a developer/investor you must first drive the real estate values as low as possible and them swoop in, very easy to do in a rental based community. If the neighborhood tries to resist you just bring in the nastiest tenants the Government can provide you with, and they have the law, the social workers, and the lawyers on their side. Sorry but all those renters who surrounded Wrigley Stadium bought bungalows out by Midway, if it was Puerto Rican and Hillbilly when you lived there it was already in the planning Phase or Faze as some call it, just like Uptown and may other Chicago North Side Neighborhoods. And what do you need for every hipster, yuppster virus based community – colleges., because colleges are what supply the art students and audiences Its those first days away from Mommy and Daddy which cause the lifestyle. Drag a few absentee landlords into the streets and paint the curbs with them and maybe you can save a rental Neighborhood, otherwise start looking for a nice suburb and hope they build an Interstate. I’ve heard Easton, Pennsylvania is very nice and you will forget all about the “city”, then one day you can take you children back . You really lived here-Wow.

            • The Robespierre Of the Jet Set says:

              The hillrods moved to Uptown, the PRs moved to Humboldt Park and Logan Square. From what I understand, they’re all on the move again. Uptown’s been under “gentrification watch” since the early-’70s and it’s finally turning – but don’t tell the good ol’ boys at Sharon’s Hillbilly Heaven over on Lawrence or they’re liable to come out into the sunlight for the first time in decades; that’d be enough to scare all but the hardiest gentrifier away. I don’t know where the PRs are going, but I can guarantee you it’s not anywhere near the South Side, where the Latino population is predominantly Mexican.

              The youngster / hipster influx isn’t necessarily from local colleges. There are a lot of kiddies from Ohio State, U of M, Indiana (Arthur Anderson was a Hoosier hotbed before they went down), MSU, Wisconsin, you name it, whose parents bought them a converted-apartment condo as a graduation gift and a virtually limitless maintenance draw on the Bank of Mom ‘n’ Dad to help with their expenses – I mean, when was the last time you heard someone say “I can’t WAIT to graduate from (enter Midwestern state school of your choice here) so I can land that international finance job in Detroit”? Chicago’s the money city of the Midwest, so that’s where they all want to be.

              Easton, PA? Why would I want to live there? Hell, I’m almost 60 and live in Vegas – I don’t have any use for harsh winters anymore. Our twins graduated from university a couple of years ago, so a year ago my wife and I bought a house that sold to some sucker for $425k in 2006 for $150k; we’re 3 miles west of the Strip and just north of Flamingo; my wife walks to work in 10 minutes, and it takes me 10 minutes to drive to my job on a bad day. I’m not crazy about LV ecause of the transient nature of many of its residents, but since I don’t smoke, drink, do drugs or gamble anymore and have never been one to engage in extramarital affairs, it’s a relatively reasonable place to live.

              I get your point; we were there for the Marquette Park mess on the Southwest Side and the Belmont Cragin nightmare on the Northwest side, both in the ’60s. We knew all about red lining and back-pricing. But the Wrigleyville/Lincoln Park fiasco was something else – I went back to college after the Summer of ’75, and when I came back in December of ’76 next year the Puerto Rican jungle around the intersection of Mildred and George, north of Diversey and west of Halstead – there was no Section 8 back then and the ‘hood had been ‘Rican for many years – was GONE. My understanding, which is supported by the experiences of some building owners we knew over there, has always been that the developers didn’t really care how much they paid; they had plans to make a “new neighborhood” and offered the owners as much as they wanted for their buildings. They got what was good money for these buildings back then – but by today’s standards they let them go for pennies on the dollar. I suppose that the neighborhood really did take a couple of steps up, crime- and filth-wise, with the initial wave of gentrification, but it’s just a damn shame they had to uproot so many working-class poor to make it happen. And now, of course, only the 1%’ers can afford to live there. End of story.

          • MD Burbs says:

            WGN – that takes me back. I used to listen in when I first went into the service. The sound of civilization on the prairies… Thanx for the memory!

        • The Robespierre Of the Jet Set says:

          I was focussing more on the mascot, not the quality of the brew. If hipsters could only learn to actually see things that aren’t of Midwestern origin, he could become their stylistic ideal – like yah, his handlebar ‘stache and retro appeal make him quite Natty, but the fact that he’s only got one eye makes him a little bit Boh, too. Wowsers. Talk about IRONIC…

        • The Robespierre Of the Jet Set says:

          I was focussing more on the mascot, not the quality of the brew. If hipsters could only learn to actually see things that aren’t of Midwestern origin, he could become their stylistic ideal – like yah, his handlebar ‘stache and retro appeal make him quite Natty, but the fact that he’s only got one eye makes him a little bit Boh, too. Wowsers. Talk about IRONIC…

        • The Robespierre Of the Jet Set says:

          MD Burs, check out my reply down below under Pat I’s gentirifcation post – for some reason my replies keep ending up down there.

          • MD Burbs says:

            Yup, got it – no sweat. The “Natty Bo” guy was the icon for the Charm City scooter rallies for several years (Rockers usually kicked Mod butt ;) ). Decent cheap beer – like I said, a staple at crab feasts in backyards all over the area. I miss it.

    • Cuddle Party Boner Rampage says:

      The transit police in NYC need to be equipped with MIG welders at every station, so they can weld the doors shut, and then park this subway car in a disused train tunnel for a few weeks, and let nature take its course.

    • Eduardo Snapper says:

      I’d love to see those twats have a sing-along on this train full of English football (soccer) fans.

  6. Mickey Shea says:

    Is it true you can be electrocuted by pissing on the third rail or is that an urban myth?

  7. SS says:

    NON HIPSTER HATE, you are drinking hateraide and need to be saved from this shitty internet cult of hate. DON’T HATE, appreciate. If someone is stupid – let’m be stupid.

    It’s actually kind of scary what’s going on here guys… maybe pick a new hobby? What one that isn’t completely fucked up…? :)

  8. wglehan says:

    We’re actually saving lives. If we didn’t
    Have this blog, we’d have to go out and whale on these 30-year old preschoolers for real.

  9. Leroy Jenkem says:

    And more proof that the plague is worldwide: I sure hope like hell that you don’t need to do anything in downtown Dallas tomorrow that requires finding a parking spot…

    http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/unfairpark/2012/08/parking_day_is_almost_here_so.php

    And in typical fashion, one of the first comments is from the organizer, butthurt because someone pointed out that this is yet more hipster shit.

  10. MD Burbs says:

    NSR: Dreams of the Vanishing New York [http://vanishingnydreams.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-cheesy-apple.html]

  11. basekball says:

    leroy u aint makin sense. wtf? and yea seriously shut the fuck up about dallas and all that stupid shit. no one cares. no one.

      • Crazy Eddie says:

        The exposure of Hipster bullshit is not micro but macro. I am sure I am not alone of those who welcome posts regarding other cities, states and countries. Speaking of the L train, back in the day, we would cut school, take the LL to Broadway Junction to switch to the A train and go to Rockaways’ Playland. Do you think that any of these hipster pussies ever go that far west on the L? Doubt it.

    • Leroy Jenkem says:

      And here come the sockpuppets. What’s the matter, Matthew: couldn’t get a rise out of anybody else, so you’re working your way down the list of regular commenters?

      • Ted Danson says:

        Leroy, let me tell you first a story about Texas – here in Texas well in Dallas there’s all these hipsters moving in.

        Move on, you fucking old piece of shit. The same goddamn story for about three years.

        This ain’t Matt Silver you fucking moron. Could I be any more obvious who I am.

        You guys are a bunch of fucking stupid shitfucks.

        Really, your intelligence is damn low. Bottom of the basement shit.

        You guys are really really stupid. Like dumb as fucking bricks.

        Like lower than low, like dumber than a bunch of stupid ass hipster pieces of shit assholes who are so fucking entitled.

        You are old men. You are young men. And you are all stupid as shit.

        Fuck making fun of hipsters, they are horrible and stupid but you guys are even more pathetic.

        Oh god I’m losing IQ points every second.

    • FaceTheFacts says:

      Get robbed.
      Get stabbed.
      Get raped.
      Die.
      Slowly.

  12. Washington DC Native #33 says:

    AS USUAL

    IN A STREET SITUATION

    GENTRIFIER ENDS UP MAKING ALL WHITE PEOPLE LOOK LIKE NOTHING BUT WEAK HUMAN BEINGS WHO CANNOT STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES IN STREET SITUATIONS

  13. Leroy Jenkem says:

    The new CEO of Campbell’s is banking everything on selling soup to hipsters:

    http://www.nj.com/business/index.ssf/2012/08/mmm_mmm_new_campbells_ceo_begi.html

    And here’s where things get interesting. Having watched a lot of Campbell’s offerings get clipped over the years because there just wasn’t that much interest, this may be a success just because it’s something new. More likely, though, it’ll get blogged to death, but you won’t see any corresponding increase in actual sales. The moment the company cuts the line and decides that listening to its current marketing research firm is a waste of time, you’ll have hundreds of hipsters petitioning to bring it back because “I have such good memories of it.”

    • The Robespierre Of the Jet Set says:

      “The American rapper T-Pain was retweeted 2,400 times when he wrote ‘Words cannot even describe how amazing this video is.’”

      Well, if THAT’s what T-PAIN, of all people thinks, who am I to argue? I’d better GET ON BOARD.

      But …

      Who the fuck IS T-Pain, anyway?

      Modern Times: The ephemera of my entire life utilized as a marketing opportunity. Do Do Do Do Dooooooo … I’m Lovin’ It.

    • Tom Ray says:

      Who out there knows how to say “hamster” in Korean.

      For once I like the North better.

    • Mr. Baerga says:

      One thing that is true is that neither group wants to grow up and be men. I understand the connection at times, but I know a couple of comic book/sci-fi geeks and they are the farthest thing from being some spoiled, entitled, narcissistic and pompous hipster/yuppie who is constantly seeking attention. They don’t give one fuck about living in a trendy, gentrified neighborhood and they love fast food. They more or less want to keep to themselves in their own geeky little world but I also have seen the obnoxious comic book/sci-fi geeks and can see the connection.

  14. Gowanus Garry says:

    This blog is unfair and cruel and is a virtual hate crime because it hurts my virtual adderal-muted feelings. It’s not my fault I’m a gentrifying piece of shit that practices racial-profiling in everyday life it’s the post industrial USA economy maaaaan. I mean, it’s not my fault my father has to be a corporate lawyer for Baine Capital in order to pay for my unproductive life. It’s not my fault I majored in a field that was virtually impossible to attain employment in, it’s not my fault I’m an unattractive rube from WiscOnsin who overpays for rent, therefore jacking up everyone elses’s. Wait…

  15. The Robespierre Of the Jet Set says:

    Dig this:

    http://www.retronaut.co/2011/06/brooklyn-summer-1974/

    Real Brooklynites in real-life situations. Deal with it, hipster scum.

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