Today, I saw Ethan the 32 year old, creepily moustached, freelance barista Tweeting pictures of his most recent latte foam happy face he made since graduating from his $100,000 liberal arts school eleven years ago. So I strangled him with his i-Phone charger and beat him into a coma with an unfairly traded can of Maxwell House coffee. End of story.
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Chock Full O’ Nuts works for me.
the BEST coffee btw!!!!!!
Ah coffee preference, the best subject for a moot point argument since beer. I love it all, from Chock Fulla to nose in the air, shade grown Costa Rican. If you make it properly for the brand it’s all good unless it’s store brand dreck. My choice for cheap take- out, unfair trade working stiff brew is White Castle’s: always ready brewed, average serving time 3minutes and no attitude, provenance lecture or tip jar!
Random note: Starbuck’s brews it’s coffee at 2 tbs per 6 oz water, crack in a cup.
Combine this with Adderal in the hipster blood stream and you have the explanation for Matthew Silver’s bat-shit crazy, truly frightening behavior.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON HIPSTER COFFEE!
Eight-O’Clock is good coffee. Nothing pretentious about it and it tastes great. I prefer the 100% Columbian myself.
as for the Maxwell House bit. it is good enough coffee, unless a hipster makes it, or serves it, or goes anywhere near the fucking brew. because hipsters “imprint” the coffee with bad juju. if that makes any sense. they’re a bunch of coffee wreckers.
Two Words: Chase & Sanborn
nuf sed
Yes, good ole Ironic Ethan, the redbeard.
-$100,000 liberal arts education, yet has the same number of marketable skills as Baby Matthew the kidult, as he heads into his mid 30s.
-The one time Ethan’s father actually pulled strings to get him a summer job at one of his friend’s firms, Ethan lost it within 3 days by coming in 2 hours late, gluing Star Wars action figures to the cafeteria wall, ordering a $2000 latte machine on the company’s corporate account, and then telling the boss that money was too mainstream and that they should work instead for “smiles and positive vibes”.
I’ve always called them ‘trendies’ (as is our way in London) and what you did was mild unless the edge of the can was serrated then it’s good work all round!
graduated 11 years ago. Hahaha! I was over to Billyburg friday night to see Jane’s Addiction, and heading over to the venue, down some hipster-co-opted dopey industrial area around 10th, I saw a warehouse with the garage door open and four shirtless stick figured beta-males playing badminton inside while their two cankled groupies with Zooey bangs and feedsack dresses took pictures and sweatily cheered them on (it wasn’t hot outside). It was like everything described here. God, I wish I at least had a flashbang grenade to throw in there if not a real fragmentation grenade. And of course the show was filled with hiptards. And Dave Navarro can suck my dick.
I guess the groupies were hoping to eventually become participation trophy wives
I hope they die–while playing badminton.
if i had a dollar for every time i’ve wanted to toss a frag down bedford ave i’d be a rich man… then i could buy out all of these fools and send ‘em back to wisconsin!! homemade napalm works to… as do M80s!!
HA! Unfairly traded!
Here’ Fair Trade: I trade money I EARNED for coffee they brewed , end of transaction and fuck where it came from!
Amen. Amazing how conscious they are of coffee pickers half way around the world, but they don’t give a fuck about all the hard-working people they displace from real neighborhoods with their parentally-funded apartments.
They’re cool with the abstract idea of a Juan Valdez, they just don’t want the reality of him living in their “nabe”.
Exactly – and they’ve all tried to replicate his moustache and poncho.
Counterfeit compassion is deeply engrained in the Hipster ethos. They would gladly give you the shirt off someone else’s back.
Meanwhile they don’t seem put off by using an iphone that quite possibly has chinese worker blood on it.
Same way they’re conscious of how they’re saving the environment by cycling everywhere but they don’t give a fuck, nor do they want to know, about how they’re actually INCREASING greenhouse gases by forcing people to move 60 miles out of NYC and drive to work, thus pumping more pollution into the atmosphere.
Hey Tom Ray.
I’m new here and you are the first to reply to one of my posts. Nice to know someone is reading my poor efforts at wit. Also, good comparison point between 3rd World and 1st World poverty. Hipsters want their ki- ki foodstuffs locally sourced and their compassion globally distant.
Let the hate flow through you, young hipsterhater,4finger Riff.
Hipsters have no compassion. They only buy fair trade because it’s trendy and makes them look like they care.
Actually, they buy their compassion. Via meaningless slogans on clothing. Bought with their parents’ hard=earned money. Once their parents die, they should be left with crushing debt…
Anytime, buddy. Keep the faith.
By the way, thanks diehipster for the public service. Ethan was pissing me off.
Another hipster scam:
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/canned-air-paris-york-etsy-201236607.html
Hey, I’d like to shit in it and let these assholes inhale deeply. I promise to eat nothing by Domino’s the day before so the stink is familiar to these Midwestern spoiled brats!
Proving that hipsters have no new ideas. 50 yrs ago they sold canned air from Arizona in the back of men’s magazines next to aerosol cans of Bullshit Repellant.
You mean like this broad?
For the love of everything good and holy this bitch CANNOT be for real!????
I felt the same way until I found it was all a prank and she was an actress:
http://techcrunch.com/2011/04/01/rachel-sequoia-and-share-the-air-were-a-prank-but-the-pitch-event-wasnt/
Still, her act isn’t too far removed from a hipster’s reality. That’s what is scary.
Thank GOD because it damn near sent me into a blackout rage.
a minute into that video and i wanted to puke. i can’t watch the rest…
For an April Fool, she’s got guts. Hopefully she doesn’t have hipsters bothering her 24/7 ever since pulling the prank, both for butthurt and for “durr hurr, a gurll on the interrnetz??” reasons.
This is a parody, right? Tell me she isn’t serious. Please tell me…
I have a question from the previous post, where somebody said that hipsters are moving about subway tunnels.
Do you mean actually moving about within the tunnel or just playing on the platform?
If it’s the former, then are these friggin’ hipsters that stupid and detached from reality? Don’t they realise that there is a live 3rd rail down that carries 650 volts DC and is exposed? Perhaps it might also worth noting that it can and will kill people?
I don’t suppose that any of them realise that trains travel along these tunnels at speeds of up to 50 miles and that they don’t easily stop? I’m sure that their parents would be only too happy sue the Transit Authority when one of their little darlings gets hit or brushed by a train. At the same time, however, these fuckwits claim to be “too committed” to stop at a red light as a justification for running into and killing 70-year-old individual, as happened in San Francisco.
Maybe we shouldn’t tell them about the third rail….
I would love to see what’s left after a hipster hits that much DC current.
Not a lot, probably.
Like we used to say: “crispy critters.”
My fear before this is all over will be that a Caleb will get run over fucking with the subway tracks, and their Midwestern culdesac parents will start a big campaign that will force the MTA to have to install plexiglas along the platforms to protect their precious little adult infants playing in NY. Then the MTA will have to pay for building, maintaining, and replacing damaged plexiglass – raising the rates on regular New Yorkers who need the subway to get to and from work; or when the cost gets too high, they’ll cut out lines again. All because pwecious widdle Monroe from Iowa having a zany gentrification adventure can’t use his fucking brain.
LOL – Monroe!!!! You have some good ones. Gotta use ‘Nancy Reagan-physiqued’ soon in a hipster beating. Thank you in advance for that one.
LOL; these out of place gentrifying fucks are an endless source of material; their lives are one big parody.
A friend of mine showed me a video not too log ago of some “urban explorer/expeditionist” (i.e. parentally supplemented lollygagger that does nothing all day and has someone videotape it) that was exploring the tunnels of the subway system. I wish I could find it…it was the most pretentious thing I’ve seen on youtube.
Words cannot describe the utter contempt I feel for that FUCKING IDIOT! It’d be interesting to see what would happen if he got his foot stuck in an interlocking.
Bring back the underground alligators.
Or C.H.U.D.
“If we see workers, there’s a chance we’ll have to really run”. There you have it, the hipster response to gainful employment. Again, something I would’ve loved to have done at say, 15 but now know better. Grow the f up you fuck-bag and contribute to society or piss some PBR onto the third rail.
I’m surprised this loon hasn’t come to Cincinnati yet. We have the largest abandoned subway tunnel in the nation, 7 miles of never used concrete caves, work stopped in the 1920s. Back in the 60s we used to sneak in and explore, it was spooky to the extreme and extremely dangerous but we were teenagers on drugs and didn’t think of our safety or the rescue personell who would have to risk their asses to pull us out if shit went south
The hipster “urban explorers” have been all over it and some legitimate tours were led by the city.
Also back then a few friends and I broke into the tunnel system under Longview, the state mental hospital built in the 1800s and got access to disused buildings in the sprawling complex and saw all the antique equipment, water therapy tanks, electro shock rigs from the 40s, straight jackets and bed restraints. They even had a small mourge with a half doz. body drawers over which someone had spray- painted “PICTURE YOURSELF HERE”. Really tightened the old pucker string when seen in a flashlight beam in the dark.
BUT we were teenagers on weed not mid thirties staycationers on narcissism!
I hope the city charged these dickheads full price for the unecsessary rescue.
His name is Steve Duncan but really he is the Christopher Columbus of urban exploring. Never before has anyone dared to venture where he has. The MTA should hire him for future excavations and subway planning as he has a Ph.D in faggotry. He breaks the law to enlighten us on the subways and subterraneal tunnels that are uncharted, he is also a pretty cool guy and doesn’t afraid of anything.
Yeah, he’s so unafraid that at the end of the clip you see him hanging onto the bridge walk handhold cables for dear life and telling everyone “This is stupid.” Maybe that’s why he likes to be underground – if he slipped, they’d be cleaning him up with tweezers and a sponge. What an asshole.
Many books have come out, the fashionista pubs more in the 90′s, of ‘the mole people’. Amazon can verify this for any interested party. Several of those pulp investigative TV shows have gone into the abandoned subways of yesteryear under NYC as well as a few European cities I believe.
One author mentioned that most of the people choosing to live down there either knew the choice they were making or were slightly mental, but one night in a particularly dark tunnel some dude literally dropped down from an archway in front of she and her guide. She said he was dressed all in black with some kind of cape or something like that, had a big, black hat on that about covered his face except his mouth and when he spoke to her she said it was the first time she’d felt ‘Evil’ down there entirely unconnected to brain damage. He told her…
“Do not attempt to pass this way again because next time I won’t give you any warning. There IS evil down here, and I am it.”
She and her guide wisely made a u-turn and decided to explore elsewhere, but the brief meeting left her quite shaken for days.
One can only hope this scary dude is still wandering down there and will not take these hipsters trespassing with as much grace as he took hers.
(cue creepy music…)
Srsly, there cannot be any good excuse for anyone not knowing about the 3rd rail. You wanna play Danger Boy? Then at least have the nads to understand that grown ups who knowingly put themselves in danger, even plan on it happening, are laughed out of town when the danger comes and they start whining and crying about it.
How come almost all chicks sound the same when they talk?
It wasn’t like that when I was coming up, women had individual voices to match their personalities.
Nowadays their voices all seem to come out of the same mold, it’s sort of like a variation on the
valley girl thing, but modified. Seriously, I can’t tell their voices apart.
Does anyone else know what I’m talking about or am I just raving?
Uptalking and vocal fry.