It’s time to play: Complete that picture!

Like yah, like yah, it’s time once again to play Complete That Picture!

 Above is a picture someone sent me today of only a small portion of a hipster on the train. To play this game you must complete this picture by describing the rest of his appearance among other things like name, age, occupation, hobbies, where he lives, where he’s actually from, and what’s in his bag. I’ll go first – you can just copy and paste my list into the comment section – erase my answers and use it as a template.

Rest of Appearance: Shorts bought in Children’s Place. Shirt from Brooklyn Flea; once used to wipe sustainable, local worm compost tank. Hair carefully crafted to look like he wakes up at noon and doesn’t have a job.

Name: Bryce

Age: 30

Occupation: Runs Gowanus Canal kayak rental booth from June 15th – August 31st – only on weekends.

Hobbies: Silent raves, Yelp cafe critic, adult hide and seek league, casually standing near mailbox waiting for mailman to deliver monthly gentrification allowance from enabling parents.

Lives now: Where ever Couchsurfing.org shows availability in cool Brooklyn “nabes“.

Is actually from: Sheboygan, Wisconsin

What’s in the man purse?: Bottle of Smart Water filled with tap water; key chain with can of mace and rape whistle attached; Iditarod dog sledding hat for warmth in August; Knight Rider lunchbox with lettuce sandwich and Brooklyn Brine pickle on the side.

 YOUR TURN!

68 thoughts on “It’s time to play: Complete that picture!

  1. Parents been slacking on the xtra $ for Starbux & all my organic, grass fed shit…so I’m hoping a gay guy will see what I’m wearing as the gay rainbow, and I’m cruising the “F” train instead of “L” trying to suck Dick on the downlow for xtra cash.
    I can not function w.out my Starbux when I wake up at 2 pm.

  2. Oops didn’t read directions & played incorrectly :(
    I still stand firm on his motives!!

  3. Rest of Appearance: Pre-faded cutoff shorts intended to look vintage but actually purchased for $119 at Urban Outfitters, ironic 50 Cent t-shirt, tweed coat with elbow pads given to him by his father in celebration of leaving the house, grey derby hat with pink ribbon just because.

    Name: Blaine

    Age: 33

    Occupation: Part-time commissioner for invitation-only summer season hopscotch league, pro bono park bench-based used needle tattoo practitioner

    Hobbies: The blog trifecta: “A Guide to Saving Sidewalk Ants, “Ignore Your Alarm Clark,” and “How to Eat a Dozen Doughnuts Without Paying for Them”

    Lives now: Somewhere near the L train

    Is actually from: Provo, Utah

    What’s in the man purse?: Handheld mirror, iPad, beard comb, Sweet Tarts, Hemingway novel

  4. Rest of Appearance: Male counterpart to Strawberry Shortcake

    Name: Jonah

    Age: 29

    Occupation: Blogger/Photographer/Graphic Designer/Illustrator/Event Planner/Curator/BBQ Connoisseur

    Hobbies: Running away from Bronies and CosPlay pre-teens who want to beat the f*ck out of him

    Lives now: In an artist cooperative in the South Bronx

    Is actually from: Nassau County, NY

    What’s in the man purse?: Typewriter ribbon and a subway map.

  5. Rest of appearance: filthy scum beard, obama tshirt, messenger bag that says “Brooklyn Industries”

    Name: Campbell

    Age: 32

    Occupation: Diarrhea scooper at McCarren Pool

    Hobbies: artisanal fudge maker; part time “Squash” instructor

    Lives now: Red Hook, in close proximity to Fairway

    Is actually from: suburb of Indianapolis

    What’s in the man purse: Organic cock ring; tickets to Brooklyn cyclones game; keys to Subaru Outback

  6. Rest of Appearance: Shredded Haribo Gummi Bears T-shirt that cost $45, 1970s thrift-store watch with the original two-inch leather strap, homemade bracelet made of hemp and gum wrappers, giant tattoo of kale on inside of forearm, beard twisted into rattail with single bead on the end

    Name: Born Alex, now spells it “Aleks.” Girlfriend calls him “Aleksander.”

    Age: 28

    Occupation: Etsy and eBay shops selling homemade bracelets made of hemp and gum wrappers. Remembers to check them about once a week.

    Hobbies: Life, you know?

    Lives now: NE Alberta St., Portland, Oregon. Crashing for the summer in WIllyburg with a guy he met at Reed College a couple years ago.

    Is actually from: Bend, Oregon

    What’s in the man purse?: Stumptown coffee gift card; iPhone 4S in artisanal case he bought at Last Thursday in Portland; gigantic headphones covered with duct tape that he plugs into iPhone; pack of Violet chewing gum; article he ripped out of Time Out New York about the Bywater “nabe” in New Orleans, where he’s planning to spend the winter

  7. Rest of Appearance: Faded Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt purchased at Urban Outfitters for $60; 70s porn star mustache; gray fedora; Chinese character tattoo he got in Chinatown that he thinks is a Taoist blessing but actually reads “我已经二十八岁还吃奶” (“I’m still breastfed at age 28″) because the tattoo artist recognized him as a hipster douche and thought the tattoo should reflect a greater truth

    Name: Skylar

    Age: 28

    Occupation: Weekend cashier at newly opened cafe in Greenpoint; ukulele player in the house band of the local all-organic, cruelty-free laundromat; performance artist

    Hobbies: Walking up and down Bedford Ave. in vintage clothing and skin-tight jeans so that people will notice him; knitting, especially on the L and G trains so that people will think he’s cool; scoping out new neighborhoods ripe for hipster colonization and then writing about them on his Tumblr blog

    Lives now: Prewar apartment in Bushwick formerly inhabited by a Polish family that couldn’t afford the rent anymore

    Is actually from: Olathe, Kansas

    What’s in the man purse?: iPhone 4S with an app that automatically deletes songs after they’ve been downloaded by more than 15 other people and replaces them with songs by more obscure bands; flipbook with photos of Lou Reed, Bob Dylan and various beat writers that he jerks off to, not because he’s attracted to them, but because he likes to imagine that he’s as cool and “original” as they are;

    • Skynyrd rules! What do you think Ronnie Van Zant would’ve done if offered artisanal whiskey in a hand-fired, organic clay cup?

      • He would have emptied every bottle onto the floor

      • He’d probably stare at the offerer silently for a moment trying to suss him out, sip the whiskey anyway, spit it out, insult the douchebeard until he cried, bitchslapped him, then pointed at him, laughing with his bandmates, saying, ‘Let’s go to a cooler bar,” leaving the hipster to his foul concoction and his bitter, bitter tears.

      • Throw it back in your face and blow smoke it as you try to catch your breath!

    • “Chinese character tattoo he got in Chinatown that he thinks is a Taoist blessing but actually reads “我已经二十八岁还吃奶” (“I’m still breastfed at age 28″) because the tattoo artist recognized him as a hipster douche and thought the tattoo should reflect a greater truth”
      One of the all-time great lines!!!

    • ones that made me laugh the hardest so far…

      the rape whistle..not sure that can be topped…i just imagine a beta male pulling it out and i start
      cracking up…

      homemade bracelet made of hemp and gum wrappers…ROFLMAO…

      Chinese character tattoo he got in Chinatown that he thinks is a Taoist blessing but actually reads “我已经二十八岁还吃奶”
      (“I’m still breastfed at age 28″)….bahhhhh hhahahahahahaha…now i’m going to laugh outloud next time i see an oriental tattoo on anyone not oriental…

      There’s *no way* I can begin to compete with or equal what’s already been written but just for the sake of effort…

      Rest of appearance: 70′s Hulk Tank top with white trim, orange crossing guard gloves with
      index finger tip of right one cut off so he can still swipe his cell phone, which has little bits
      of street trash super glued to its frame, and a ‘rat tail’ in honor of 80′s new wave music and
      because no one else is wearing them

      Name: given name is Jeff…new name is ‘Rambo’, because it’s SO not how he really is

      Age: Refuses to answer questions with meaningless answers ( which means he’s probably at least 28 and could be 52 )

      Occupation: Has heard of occupations but to date still doesn’t feel comfortable considering it for himself, will be heard saying,”I really feel like the word ‘occupation’ is very aggressive in terms of being applied to my own life. But hey, it’s a free world if you want one.”

      Hobbies: Taking pictures of bed bugs crawling through his clothes, scouting out new housing next to ‘the mole people’ aka ‘the core pioneers’, making fun of people that wear matching clothes, wandering into mosques in hopes of being invited to tea, playing with the new ‘sword’ he just made out of Home Depot stained handcrafted wood that is actually WalMart refuse those ‘posers’ from Peru, Indiana left behind when they went back home

      Lives now: station platforms but inching ever closer to ‘those mole people pioneers’

      Is Actually From: Peru, IN

      What’s In the Man Purse?: Another purse, but for an 80′s child with a My Little Pony fixation; stickers from a gumball machine and 3 gumballs; his asthma inhaler; $ 2,000 limit ‘emergency
      funds’ card co-signed by his older, responsible brother; one tampon in case he runs into a breathing, equally whimsical woman and wants to impress her with his support for the feminist cause, yahhh…of course…duhhhh…what are you, bro? a trogladyte?

      must go puke now…

  8. Just took a walk around my neighborhood to get the dogs out and aired. Though I had prayed for rain, as I do every weekend, the clouds sadly parted and the hipster mobs made their way here. One of the first sights to meet my eye out there in the glorious blazing sun was a 20-somethingish short little male creature wearing a ivory colored, see-through crocheted floor length dress, shorts underneath, high heels, hair tied back like an American Indian braided and pony-tailed, and, of course, make up–with extra lipstick. The rest of his crew were all wearing their typical look-at-me uniforms in a variety of styles and volumes, but the cross dressing Cher costume took the cake.

  9. I saw this guy on Court Street this afternoon! His other shoe was a black Converse.

  10. Rest of Appearance: Man bun, patchy lice beard, 70s athletic shorts, sequin blazer with shoulderpads, Def Leppard concert t-shirt with rotted armpit holes

    Name: Jayden

    Age: 31

    Occupation: Bagel artist at that shitty place on Metropolitan and Lorimer

    Hobbies: Felony groping at cuddle parties, walking his cat

    Lives now: $2,400/mo space in “intentional flophouse”

    Is actually from: Waukesha, Wisconsin

    What’s in the man purse?: glassware containing menstrual blood pasta, refurbished 1982 Dynatek cellular phone, Metrocard in soy/flax/oat fiber wallet, tray of six red velvet cupcakes from Key Foods, homeopathic syphilis treatment

  11. Occupation: Temperature recorder for the L train platforms but only for 8th avenue to Bushwick avenue.

  12. Rest of appearance: ironic, XXS-sized 1974 “Loggins & Messina” t-shirt (with sequined lettering); Tom Baker-era Dr. Who scarf; circa-1980, Trevor Horn-meets-Sally Jesse Raphael glasses; wrist sundial (because watches are just *so* pop…)

    Name: Never mind; it uses non-displaying ASCII codes, and you plebes could never learn to pronounce it properly.

    Age: 29 to his friends. 42 to the DMV.

    Occupation: unpaid food truck location scout; volunteer beta-male doorstop/floor mat for an endless stream of doughy Brooklyn-based Meghan’s.

    Hobbies: spending his parents’ entire retirement fund in a relentless drive for attention; raping entire cultures, co-opting their hard work, and picking the bones clean to try and develop new modes of playtime; complete lack of authenticity; blissful ignorance.

    Lives now: couch-surfing with the heathens in (God forbid!) Queens, until he can gleefully throw down $15k for deposit and first-and-last-months’ rent at a respectable loft/art space in Greenpoint (when the current hipster occupants are ejected for non-payment, and must trudge dejectedly back to Michigan).

    Is Actually From: Casper, WY

    What’s In the Man Purse?: Not sure, but I guarantee you it contains absolutely no sense of shame.

  13. Someone tell me whyyy are there so many friggin hipsters in commercials now? It’s all beards and mustaches and annoying douchey looking idiots….help! someone start a forum about that so we can vent…c’mon people, you know what I’m talking about….

    • I watched the recent Raiders game while in a restaurant and some NFL commercial comes on featuring a beardo wearing a suit and standing in a cornfield!

      • Hipster-only ads I’ve glimpsed lately:

        Mike’s Hard Lemonade: Fishing beardo, 2 options: 1. Reels in a mermaid, who hands him a cell phone. He says something cryptic into the phone, rolls eyes and makes pity comment; 2. Reels in a fish that’s already mounted to a piece of knotty pine, tosses it onto a pile of similarly-mounted fish in the bottom of the boat. Heh. Heh. Heh. **Cough**

        Then there’s the Axe hair-stuff tie-in with the movie “Ted,” which was in theaters everywhere for about 2 days. Ted, who, of course, is an animatronic teddy bear and brilliant raconteur, is at a table in a diner or coffeeshop (old style usage; NOT a Starbucks, Peete’s, etc.) when he says something like “You can take a guy out of New Jersey, but he still can’t take his pants off in a museum.” Girl says something about running her finger through Ted’s fur once they get back to their squat. Ted says “Why don’t we just do it here?”, which causes mass jaw-dropping by those unfortunate to be within hearing range; camera cuts to “techincal difficulties” card. Edgy, I suppose.

        Finally, “Lingo Cops” for Sudden Discomfort Black Cherry: At the end of the ad the white Lingo Cop, who has a porn moustache of course, cuddles a tiny bunny rabbit to his breast while uttering “Sudden Discomfort Black Cherry – it’ll put hare on your chest.” Like yah; yah, it will. And puke on your Chucks fer sher.

        Personally, I prefer the tagline “Hassenpfeffer – it puts hare on your tongue.” A bit edgier. a bit more ironic; a LOT more obtuse. Pick your context carefully for maximum effect.

        • Absolutely! Or the Ball Park Franks commercial where the ‘red headed’ black rimmed glasses donning douche who’s manning the bbq speaks in this annoying voice about a batting average and being ’99.9 percent sure’. The oddity is that almost every red-headed version of a male hipster tends to look exactly like this guy…and talk like him. It’s very odd. Fiber One: the husband that says ‘Fiber makes me….sad.” If i was the wife, I’d slap him upside the head.
          How about the All State Commercial with that douchey looking hipster “It’s like we’re connected!”…now this is the same hipster who is in a new cereal commercial, playing a black woman’s conscience of some sorts, and closes the commercial by singing an impromptu soulful nonsensical ballad…apparantly the hipster set think highly of this guy and that he is ‘hilareous’…
          Makes one not want to watch t.v.

    • Many OP have said it before, so here goes again.

      Marketers follow the money like sharks follow a blood trail. Hipsters have all that trustafarian cash available, and are quite content to throw it at the next cool/hip/zany/quirky thing that other sheeple endorse. What they don’t realize is that the hipsters seen in commercials are anything but, because to do commercial work you have to be able to focus for seconds on end, and bathe. And once a commercial reaches the end of its “shelf life” (about a week, which is a decade in hipster time), it’s off with the rest of the herd to the next cool/hip/zany/quirky thing.

  14. only the twisted American financial system could have created a person like this.

  15. Rest of appearance: Stained Golden Girls T-shirt he bartered for at the Brooklyn Flea with an organic, dog-piss soaked, cucumber he grew in his curbside garden in Bushwick. Jerry curls in honor of Prince in Purple Rain. A Casio calculator watch. Tight, man capris complete with bed bug eggs.

    Name: Lance (but sometimes he likes to be called Hagar)

    Age: 38 or 39–He doesn’t really know because birthdays are too mainstream.

    Occupation: Vinyl record repair man who smooths out every scratch with a piece of hemp attached to a Q-tip. On the weekends, he’s a vegan baker. He never accepts money for his goods and services; only kind deeds and awesome Karma.

    Hobbies: Riding his fixie around Canarsie in hopes of establishing a new Hipster Mecca. Taking Super 8 footage of his girlfriend, Bijou, at the new, shit-infested, McCarren Park pool. Playing his vintage, metal kazoo on the L train…and then blogging about on his $1,300 Mac Book Air.

    Lives now: Nowhere currently, but he intends to build a house boat out of recycled soda bottles so he can live on the Gowanus Canal.

    Is Actually From: Wewoka, OK

    What’s In the Man Purse?: A can of Tab from 1984 that he found in a deli that had “tons of totally great vintage stock”, finger-less mittens, a pack of American Spirits, an Alf key chain with no keys attached since he’s temporarily homeless, a check from his nana that he’s on his way to cash, a picture of a hippo that he tore out of a National Geographic magazine from 1970.

  16. Damn I love you guys! You make me feel like there’s hope for the human race after all! Hahahahaha!

  17. I’m curious, is this article concerning hipsters or not? Because of these dieheard Frenchmen wannabes (and failing miserably at it) I cringe whenever I read the words “cheese”, “artisans”, “gourmet” and “farmers” in the same sentence, but these guys are from (I’m not telling, I don’t any Hipsters to go there, not that they’d have the guts) so maaaaaybe they’re for real?

    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10000872396390444860104577558822247960412.html?mod=WeekendHeader_Rotator#articleTabs%3Darticle

    • *diehard

    • No. First off, it’s not in Williamsburg, East Williamsburg, West Williamsburg, South Williamsburg, West Bushwick, South East Bushwick, New Bushwick. It appears to be about a genuine, normal small industry that couldn’t possibly harm anyone.

      • Ah, that’s great, thanks for the info. Hopefully their business will be successful. Funny how hipsters seem to be allergic to Ireland and Paris, considering they are the first countries anyone whom really gives a shit about real art would think of. Probably because they know at least Ireland would kick the crap out of them and chuck them out of the country if they’d try to pull any of their autistic “street performances” or pass off colored dog shit as ART ART in any art gallery down there. France I dunno, they did become a bit sissy lately when it comes to dealing with foreigner’s “feelings”. Boo hoo.

        • Oh man, hate to be the bearer of bad news but in France,…yeah, hipsters are all over Paris. And yes, they’re in Ireland. Ask Dubliners or the folks in Belfast. Cities in general seem to be a problem. London, Berlin…people from those places have been by this site before to complain about them as well…I don’t think there’s a continent that’s not impacted by these eternal children turd for brains…

          It’s global. It’s endemic. It’s a plague magnet movement.

          • JESUS CHRIST SHIT NOOO- sorry. Goddammit, they’re there too? The Bubonic Plague was nothing compared to these human cockroach infestations! Go away dammit!

          • The East End of London fell victim to Hipster infestation long before they set their Eric Morecambe-bespectacled eyes on Brooklyn. Jack the Ripper, where are you when we need you???

          • *Eric Morecambe (1926-84) was a British comedian whose trademark were the thick glasses that have been appropriated by the Hipsters.

  18. Another essential, not to mention definitive, part of the Hipster wardrobe is the “Think Locally, Act Globally” T-shirt made in Bangladesh.

    • I think the “Think Smug, Act Nasally.” T-Shirt would suit these turds better actually.

    • Bangladesh! LOL

      Reminds me of a census taker saying,”I’m proud to be doing an American job.” while wearing an ‘official’ American vest mass produced in China.

      People ‘act globally’ alright…

  19. Wish I could be as confident but the ‘artisanal’ realllly makes me nervous. Hipsters are everywhere after all…. OTOH, the hands don’t look too young but…I dunno…

  20. Rest of Appearance: Smedium Gold Watch Graphic print t-shirt bought at Urban Outfitters for $40. $250 oliver peoples thick framed glasses, Casio calculator watch from the 80s, and some girls cut off jeans shorts.

    Name: Stuart

    Age: 32

    Occupation: Unpaid intern at a fashion magazine that will be out of business in two months, Style blogger (i.e stealing other people’s pictures and posting them as if it was his own), artisinal popcorn curator, iPhone photographer, artist, designer, writer, failed musician.

    Hobbies: Telling people about his band that he used to be in that went nowhere. Annoying people with his uptalk and effeminite voice. Trying to get into exclusive concerts and events by telling people he’s with Brooklyn Vegan and getting thrown out by security each and every time. Making useless furniture from reclaimed wood found in dumpsters all over Brooklyn and trying to sell them on Craigslist. Getting butthurt at commenters on DH and resorting to racist/sexist/homophobic remarks while telling all his friends and everyone who will listen how he appreciates culture and is about diversity.

    Lives now: The ‘Schwick (but will be moving to The Bronx cause it’s grittier and there’s like a band called The Bronx too!)

    Is actually from: Wheeling, West Virginia

    What’s in the man purse?: Parentally funded iPad, iPod, Macbook Air, a copy of Jack Keroucs’s “The Dharma Bums” that has never been read, a shell bracelet, a bottle of adderall, a bottle of Coconut Water, a pound of cruelty free venezuelan coffee purchased at a douchey coffee shop for $60 dollars, his sense of dignity and shame.

  21. His name is Mason, and he just made a huge statement by replacing his refrigerator with an ice box so he can minimize his carbon footprint. His shitty yellow shoes are made of 100% recycled materials–as is 100% of his income, seeing as his folks back in Nebraska made that money already.

  22. Rest of appearance : A bed bug infested extra small Logger shirt with fresh blood stains and B.O.

    Name: Tristan – Beta male

    Age: 33

    Occupation : failed liberal art student. Volunteer at local free trade organic coffee shop

    Hobbies : Urban bee keeper, bike ridding, Jerkoff graffiti artist, drinking Pabst blue ribbon beer at gay bars.

    Is actually from: Eugene Oregon

    What’s in the man purse: A flea comb for his beard, A bunch of plastic toy trinkets from a 10¢ toy machine, Anal lube, 15 hand rolled artisan cigarettes, candy necklace.

  23. Name: Joshua, AKA Josh.

    Age: 36

    Rest of appearance; ratty Che Guevara face tshirt, perhaps beret, manpurse. Facial hair, either soul patch or lice beard.

    Occupation: graduated graphic arts student at SVA. Volunteers at local food coop, because he can’t bear to shop non-locally. Like at the supermarket. Like anywhere that’s non-organic. Aging intern at an online ezine that will be out of business in two months.

    Hobbies: Listening and going to band gigs that you’ve never heard of, riding a Razor scooter around the Gowanus canal, growing artisanal marijuana in his spare time.

    Lives Now: Was living in Gowanus, now removed to the new neighborhood known as Greenwood Heights, right near the cemetary.

    Originally from: Madison, WI.

    What’s in the man-purse: Iphone, artisanal cruelty-free water like VOS, Hemingway memoir “A Moveable Feast” because, you know, novels are so boring…

  24. Name: Mama Birth Goddess (aka Ellen White Smith)
    Age: 43

    Occupation: lay midwife (learned by reading online forums, classes are for oppressed people), homeopathic shaman, placenta artist and encapsulator.
     
    Hobbies: moaning as if shes laboring, major pot smoking, crafting vaginas out of clay, picking bed bugs out of her blonde dreads then setting them free, picketing hospitals screaming that c sections are rape, calling the parents of the babies she killed “brave”- while blaming them for not preparing,p,

    Lives now: Bushwick- came her to enlighten NYers.

    Is actually from: Eugene, OR, land of woo

    What’s in the man purse?: It is not a purse of the patriarchy! It’s a wonderful womb-ins satchel from a birth shaman in Peru. in it is : herbal concoctions for menstruation, sage, video camera to record private births, iPhone so she can argue with women online and call them “ignorant”., Natural Spirit cigarettes, twinkle (hidden in kale)

  25. Rest of Appearance: Dr. Suess hat, “Where’s the Beef?” t-shirt, lime-green 70′s gym shorts. and a
    Hello KItty vinyl backpack

    Name: Colton

    Age: 28

    Occupation: Velveeta performance artist, pizza box curator and part time wash tub bass player.

    Hobbies: conceptualizing Brooklyn trademarks, artisanal pig butchery, putting band stickers on ATM machines and photographing sidewalk cracks.
    Lives now: In my basement…chained to a column.

    Is actually from: Moonpie, Wisconsin

    What’s in the man purse?: Six i-phones, rape whistle, “graffiti markers” vintage soda bottle labels for next street art project, two glass door knobs (they’re not glass THEY’RE DIAMONDS!!!) and phone number of trust fund attonrey.

  26. Hi DH, first time commenter, long time reader:

    Rest of Appearance: Wool cap (it is summer after all), Army-issue BCG’s with lenses removed, bought from a thrift store in LA for $500. Musketeer-approved waxed ‘stache and soul patch combo. YOLO tattoo on windpipe, anchor on left hand, apple logo on right hand, Chest piece of an owl riding a unicorn while eating a cupcake. Vintage ELO t-shirt stolen from ex-girlfriend’s older brother. Note: although out of view, neither the shoes or the socks match – zany!

    Name: Cord ‘Roy’ Van Nincompoop III.

    Age: 38 (is actually 42 1/2 but his 25 year old girlfriend doesn’t know)

    Occupation: freelance creative collaborator in the digital space, actually (father is loaded, mother is drunk)

    Hobbies: who needs a hobby when you do what you love? (see occupation)

    Lives now: Lives off the L train, also lives off parents.

    Is actually from: Shady Trees (a private, planned, community), White Flight County, Wisconsin.

    What’s in the man purse?: Copy of “war and peace” (for display only), ipod, ipad, macbook pro, high-end digital camera for taking snaps of his dinner, spare scarf in case it gets hot, two pairs of ray-bans (on regular, one white frames), mace because the subway is scary, unfinished draft of his first novel “Saving Brooklyn: one mans quest to bring culture to the urban desert”.

    Christ, I annoyed myself writing that. Of course I was already annoyed when I saw the bearded ding-dong on the subway this AM rocking the following tattoo: skull and crossbones but with the skull replaced by an apple logo. Good grief.

    • “Chest piece of an owl riding a unicorn while eating a cupcake”

      Yep, that observation pretty much sums up why these shitstains suck so much ass. Nice work!!

  27. Like, if you caaaan’t wear calf-high, bizarro world Ronald McDonald socks with banana peel shoes without being considered an attention getting hipster, then what’s the point of not acting like you want attention?

  28. WTF are those shoes? Some weird-ass sneaker-oxford hybrid…

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  30. Hipsters annoy me to no end. The invasion of New York is not going to end any time soon, because city planners have slated major changes to its development on purpose. Hipsters were injected into NYC like a complex cultural wrecking ball. The invasion was planned well in advance, and actually, hipsters are on their way out pretty soon too.
    I suggest doing something to preserve the history and culture of the city somehow while there is still time, because there are definitely new plans envisioned for the future of New York City.
    This shit, reminds me of the movie Ghostbusters Part Two, when a negative pink slime is living underneath the city. It is exactly like that. Contact the fucking mayor, and ask for money to build a historical place, or to preserve a no hipster zone. I mean, look what happened to Bushwick. Overnight, the place was fucking invaded by these pests, and in record time they were running around like a bunch of pansies in pink hipster panties made of Ghostbusters slime.
    Hipsters are parasitic and they suffocate people’s optimism with negativity. They are the pink goo underneath the city, just like Hollywood predicted in that movie. They are the least progressive dickbags of all dickbags in the city. Hipsters are under some kind of heavy spell, or a hex that makes them continue spreading complex digressions into the fabric of an already weakening America. They are on the mainline and acting like they are not main stream. They wear retro clothes it a city that should be dressed in sci-fi clothes.
    The reason we complain is because if hipsters had any good qualities about them then New Yorkers would actually like them, but hipsters fail at every single fucking thing they bring to the city. In all actuality, it is not that hipsters came to the city empty-handed; it is the fact that they brought tons of Negative to the city. They are a fucking awful drain, and a heavy strain. Hipsters lazily embrace weakness, and, worst of all, they just have awful attitudes that nobody can tolerate. Hipsters do not want to listen or learn either; they are close minded and intolerant in a region that is generally open minded and tolerant. Every fucking thing hipsters do goes against the grain. Like finger nails on a chalk board, these hipsters annoy me to no end.

  31. Rest of Appearance: Ronald McDonald jumpsuit swiped from Clown College trashcan, greasy cherub curls, ironic American flag + eagle chestpiece. Clear mini-backpack with visible moleskin notebook and reusable sheepskin condom inside.

    Name: Skeet (birth name- Robert)

    Age: 27

    Occupation: Glow in the dark hoola-hoop performer by night, freelance astrologist by appointment only, part-time pot dealer.

    Hobbies: Going to shows, watching dealer’s aquatic turtles, chopping wood, painting thrift-store Barbies to look more ethnically diverse, reselling on Etsy via public library computer. Going off the grid by having no cell phone, diverting all calls to current girlfriend.

    Lives now: Camper of nonfunctional 1977 El Camino, purchased in exchange for $350 and 1/4oz weed. Parked outside girlfriend’s dorm at NYU.

    Is actually from: Grants Pass, OR

    What’s in the man purse?: Communist Manifesto, natural driftwood mini bong, vintage kama sutra, EBT card, pot chocolate truffles made by girlfriend, knit beard, discarded glow stick

  32. New Yorkers,don’t despair. I know you’re living in what must seem like the middle of a plague of biblical proportions (it’s no picnic here in Toronto either) but your city is not on the verge of collapse. To the rest of the world it’s still New York. NEW YORK! There isn’t another city in the world whose name holds that much magic, and no amount of hipster infestation can ever change that. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t spray for them at every opportunity.

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