You know immediately that you are about to see a whiny hipster douche story when the video opens up with a fucking 28-year-old beardo saying “It’s 6:30am, I’m only up this early because”. That might be the earliest a hipster has ever gotten up – but not for work of course – but to play detective with his nasally buddies and go find his stolen bike.
Link: FoxNews – Hipster sting operation recovers bicycle.
Eh, I can’t hate on this guy too hard. First off, the hipster quotient doesn’t seem to be too high — he isn’t a Mr. Pringles wanna-be bragging about his sustainable, local urban beekeeping collective. Just some dude with a weak beard who likes his bike (which seems like a normal bike rather than a fixie). Also, there are worse ways to spend your time than busting bike thieves, who really are around the bottom of the food chain.
Admittedly, I kind of skipped through this and maybe I missed some really irritating hipster shit along the way, but this guy doesn’t bother me too much.
If this had been some dipshit like urban chocolatier Nathan Maxwell Cann trying to retrieve his stolen penny farthing, however, I’d totally be rooting for the guy who stole it to kick his ass.
Bike snob+beard+never waking up early+documenting your day on YouTube = hipster.
Not to mention he’s “from” Portland.
Did I read the article incorrectly or did he say he had the bike stolen while on a date?
Sorry, but my opinion is that this el beardo and his elaborate ‘sting’ are one huge fail for so many reasons this site has coverered time and time again. What’s sad is that those reasons aren’t more obvious to more people, particularly the beta males.
El beardo is basically a grown man with a beard tieing up the time of his friends and the police over his precious little bicycle. That just SCREAMS,”I am a honking, whining, rotten little twerp who drains the life out of everyone around him and always will.”
no I think some hard hate is in order here. First, DH is exactly right… this soft serve wanting us to shed tears because he had to “boo hoo get up at 6:30″ shows the primary problem with these hipsturds: parasitic weakness. Never having had to do a real day’s work, they are mentally and physically unfit to contribute anything to society beyond a resource drain. Second, what kind of pragmatic, truly responsible individual spends $2500 on handlebars, a seat and 2 wheels? I can get a perfectly good bike that will get me where I need to go for about $150. Does his Specialized seat and “bullet things” somehow make him go faster or something? Millions of Americans live in poverty (not to mention billions of people around the world) and if they had access to thousands of dollars I doubt they would spend it on “Magic Pro rims” or whatever (I’m pretty sure they’re no stranger to getting up at/before 6:30 to put in a day’s work either, if they’re fortunate enough to even have a job). Third, whatever happened to being a MAN? As in ok some asshole stole my shit, I will find them, beat them into a putty, get my shit back, go home, relax with a cold one, case closed. Not “call multiple police cars/SWAT team/my congressman because *sniffle* my overpriced toy was taken by a bad man”! Which goes back to my first point: his sanctimonious bullshit of striking a blow against bicycle thieves everywhere or whatever is just an unnecessary drain on an already overtaxed judicial system. This hipsturd invokes nothing but hate from me saying “today is a good day” as he sips his latte… ENOUGH ALREADY! DEATH TO HIS PARENTS
I wonder if the cops arrived the same day he called them. Bike theft, even in Seattle, just doesn’t seem to warrant sirens and lights to get there. And of course, Dilbert HAS to record the whole thing (including the lovely view of his ass) and plaster it all over the Interwebs.
Finally gave in and watched a few seconds, which was all I could take. I wish the people in the background had made alot more noise with those shopping carts. Like every time he talks, crash the shopping carts around, when he stops, stop.
I’m surprised he and his buddy didn’t dress up in 70′s p*rn mustaches and leisure suits like Starsky and Hutch.
Frankly, if you have enough time on your hands to travel to another state to retrieve a bike, then you’re a hipster.
I would have loved for this guy to accuse the thief only to have him pull out a .357.
Hipsters love their zany little adventures, like travelling halfway around the world (now THAT must be cheap) to deliver a camera they found; it’s what they do with infinite time, infinite family financial backing, and zero responsibility.
I’m surprised Shaggy and the boys didn’t name a repurposed van The Mystery Machine; guess they couldn’t find one that runs on fair trade latte.
Don’t even get me going. An old friend made the mistake of marrying a hipster, and she finally threw his ass out after she discovered he’d been cheating on her for years. Her dream: rebuilding their house so it doesn’t scream “Hipster Hollow”. His dream: building a full-sized, “authentic” Mystery Machine.
That guy sounds like the one my unlucky friend gave a break to once. He was a prime example of how hipsters can be of ANY age.
He was involved with a chick for a few years until she finally realized what her life would be like with him. It would be filled with Maker Faires and his tiny robot army and bicycles sporting teddy bear lights. And the tool was pushing 50 at the time!!
Her daddy was a lawyer and, of course, daddy hated boyfriend because the grey haired skater/race car driver/artisian everything was a pansy who couldn’t handle the reality of his own life, much less his daughters. When daughter finally dumped the dude, he owed her father a few thousand, his brother a few thousand, and the IRS over ten grand. To top it off, even when she dumped him the shitbag still had so little sense of being a responsible adult that he ‘let’ her mother ‘lend’ him money months after they’d broken up! And old doofus actually was surprised that the young lady wised up and dumped him LOL Then he runs off and burns a disabled veteran and a few new strangers and then runs off again.
El beardo can whip up his friends and the police for help over his widdle bicycle now, but I hope he screws up and winds up in jail himself in some way so he doesn’t become the 50 year old Eternal Kidult some of these hipster tards can’t resist being ( who gets his teddy bear bike stolen at FIFTY and cries about it ). They screw people over and drain others, (usually family and room mates ), out of their money over and over and then when Karma comes calling, they whine like the spoiled little shits they never really stop being.
I actually saw a posting on metafilter once by a 20 year old asking everyone for help because his parents cut off all financial aid to him and gave him the boot. He even admitted he was ‘TOTALLY DEPENDENT’ on them and then went on to stroke the violin by stating his fathers temper tantrums ( “..he tore a bookshelf down once in front of me!!” ) had traumatized him. When someone suggested he get a job right away, he nearly had a meltdown in reply because,”I’m in college!!” roflmao….
A $2,500 bike used for old jobs and yard work? Fuck dude really? Buy a decent cable lock and you wont have to waste police resources over your overpriced toy.
I have a somewhat expensive bike that I paid for with money that I worked for. I spent another hundred dollars on a heavy chain and a multi-lock. It was a no-brainer: good lock = probably won’t get stolen, but bad lock = will get stolen. It’s never been stolen.
Hear fucking hear. As I keep telling people, the trick is in having a stout enough lock, and locking up a bike in a prominent enough place, that any potential bike thief has to think “Is it worth the time to take off the lock?” That’s why I use a stout lock, too, because most bike thefts are casual gigs where the bike stolen either was unlocked or set with a lock that breaks if you look at it sideways. That is, unless you leave a $2500 bike out, probably all night, which I saw Portland hipsters do incessantly. At times, I wondered if they did it just so they’d have something to bitch about when the bikes were stolen in the middle of the night.
Wow this guy is a regular Chris Hanson. (Caleb Hanson?)
“This is why you don’t steal from bicyclists!” Gillum shouts as he trails the suspect while recording with his phone. “Because we care about our rides! Because I will go 160 miles to get my $2,500 bike back! You are going to jail!”
Wow really, a whole 160 miles? This is how I know this guy is a hipster. He’s impressed with his ability to travel AN AMAZING 160 miles — a distance that some people commute to and from work every single day — and thinks that a $2,500 bike is nothing, certainly not something an average person would waste any of their time with. These people really have no fucking clue about real life. $2,500 is at least 4 bikes for the average middle class family. At least. It’s a car for a lot of people, and two cars for even more people. It’s one month’s rent for your average gentrifier. It’s barely worth waking up at 6am to get back.
Not to mention the fact that he felt the need to record this with what else but his phone and put it on youtube. That’s not hipstery at all…
And the sock puppets really can’t figure out why we don’t like these kinds of people. Unbelievable.
Yeah, you know what $2500 is? It’s a working class family kid’s first car. That is such a deplorable attitude, the “even though it’s only $2500, I’ll still try to get it back”.
Fucking spoiled bearded pretenders.
2500 equals:
1-2 mortgage payments
2 months of rent
half a year of groceries for a family of three
250 co-pays for doctor’s visits.
a year’s worth of car payments
A year’s worth of gas
5 gym memberships
heating for the winter
AC for the summer
Only 2500 bucks? You’re right JAZ. What a bunch of spolied reprobates.
$2500.00? That’s a hair over five and a quarter month’s rents here in Iowa. (And no, we don’t want them back.)
Wow.. up at 6:30 that must have been hard for him. When I worked first shift at the warehouse I was up at 5:30 5 days a week. But then I didn’t spend my days drinking artisanal cruelty free lattes until 3 in the morning.
I don’t know how he did it. Such grit and determination.
I sure SEAL Team Six are sh**tting themselves while reading about the bearded wonder.
AWGGGHHH! DOES IT EVER STOP!?!
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1451991082/bicycle-astronomy?ref=search
Oh Jesus fucking Christ – ‘sustainable stargazing’??
And what a shocker that they use a Penny Farthing image for their logo.
Does it ever stop? No, never.
I wish I had the chutzpah (Sustainable Stargazing = serious chutzpah) and lack of conscience to rip off hipsters the way that guy did (hipsters really do eat their own). I wouldn’t do that kind of shit even to a hipster. It would be far more honorable to stick a gun in the hiptard’s face and rob him the old-fashioned way.
They’re curating the universe, man.
“T-shirts are printed locally” holy crap. I can’t believe he reached his goal and then some. His pitch was so wordy and pretentious I could barely get through it.
Geneva, NY is a small town. His neighbors probably think this is actually cool. Because it’s probably more interesting than anything else going on in Geneva, NY.
This brings us back to a major point that Diehipster keeps making: stuff hipsters do might be an interesting way to add culture to Flyoverlandia, but Brooklyn doesn’t want that kind of culture. Geneva, NY might not want it either… but Geneva, NY also doesn’t have much else, so stuff like that probably is less grating.
I’m thinking the folks of Geneva, NY didn’t want that fuckstick’s “culture” either. After all, they were the ones who clowned him and beat him like a drum while he was growing up.
What kind of shit is this? I… no… I can’t. Stargazing is fine. Bicycles are fine.
Putting a telescope on your penny-farthing bike so you can “sustainably” (WTF?) stargaze while riding down the street,loop out into traffic, and cause a 10 car pile up?
That’s only cool if the hiptard in question gets runover and smashed all to hell.
Many cities and towns have local astronomical societies, and most of those make a big deal about hosting “Star Parties”. In this case, they take over an otherwise unused parking lot or field, set up their telescopes, and invite the public to come in and look. With some of the attendees, they aim at Jupiter or Saturn, so people can see the Galilean moons or Saturn’s rings. I remember one guy at one Star Party, though, who came out with a monstrous reflector telescope so big he needed a boat trailer to haul it, and you had to climb a ladder to get to the eyepiece. It was worth it, though, because he had focused on a globular cluster so far away that the light from it had left when the dinosaurs were still around.
That part, no problem. I’ve seen people bring their telescopes to Star Parties on their bikes, so it’s not like this is new. What he’s wanting to do, though, is wander around the streets at night, expecting people to beg him “Oh, Mister Stargazer! Please stop, so we can take a look!” And they will…when the weather’s warm, the skies clear, and the streets clear. I just want to see what sort of try-hard stunt he has to do in the winter when the air is incredibly clear…and it’s so cold that the lube on his bike freezes solid.
Or when the streets ice over, as they’re prone to do there. Hopefully before then people will beg him “Oh, Mister Stargazer! Please stop, so we can take a look!” And when he does… they take his shit and sell it on Craigslist.
Wow. I only skimmed the kickstarter so I didn’t grasp that it was just a pennyfarthing for himself, not something to share with his community.
Bicycle astronomy?
Okay, now they’re just randomly picking pairs of words from the dictionary and declaring it’s a “thing”.
Get ready for “Lawnmower Calculus”, “Wheelbarrow Opthamology” and “Go Kart Maid Service”.
WHY IN THE FUCK MUST THEY FILM AND UPLOAD VIDEOS ONLINE OF EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING THEY DO?
LOL
The Digital Trends story makes him sound even more like someone to be reckoned with:
“I’m glad it didn’t come down to it, but we were ready for a fight,” he says. “I had running shoes on. I had thick Carhartt pants on. I wore a sweatshirt to look bigger. I even grew out my beard to look tougher/older. Again, we had no plans to break the law, but we were prepared for the worst.”
Translation: If the bike thief had a penknife, Jake would have been dead meat.
What – no leather jacket and Marlon Brando motorcycle? did he celebrate by walking into Arnold’s and punching the jukebox?
Wanna know what makes you ready for a fight? Fighting.
It’s fucking disgusting that he has to justify why he had to wake up at 6:30 am.I’m already halfway to work at that time. I could see why hipsters don’t work construction. That and their bodies resemble PEZ dispensers.
Being a construction working actually requires being able to lift more than 25 lbs…of course thats why they wouldn’t get into it.
*worker *that’s
All apologies for the typos.
YOU’RE UNDER CITIZEN’s ARREST!!!
That part had me LOL-ing so hard. What universe do these fools grow up in?
Don’t pester the Portland Hipsters, they’re in their native habitat! Just let them do what they do out there!!
I live in Portland and have to put up with these couch-surfing douchenozzles every day. He’s a fine sample of this city’s infestation.
I just stumbled on this blog last night, and want to thank you for it. I’m sorry about what’s happening to Brooklyn, but I can indulge my inner hater by reading this, rather than resorting to beating the crap out of them down at the Jamison Fountain.
they hate the police until they need them..”cuffed and stuffed” get the F**k out of here double super white nerd. The same guy probably yelling “the whole world is watching at a OWS protest.
they really make me sick, hypocrites all of them, pseudo liberals who are actually super rich sons of ultra capitalists.
we call those “limousine” liberals – they pretend to know what it’s like to be the 99% while mom and dad pay for their staycationing and playtime being an artist. Like Mr. Silver for example.
And on a related subject, the Lakewood area of Dallas has a serious problem with hipsters. Someone is apparently on the case:
http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/unfairpark/2012/08/to_the_guy_who_thought_it_was.php
Much like the reporter in Brooklyn complaining in public about his bike being stolen out from in front of his place of work (and crying that the building didn’t have a 24/7 security guard just to watch his fixie), this guy pulls out the classic threat of the weekly newspaper blogger: “WAAAAAAH! They were mean to me! Well, I’ll show them! I’m gonna WRITE about them!”
Oh.. and poor wittle eric lost his PB&J sandwich probably packed by his mommy and full of artisanal cruelty free peanuts
Just read that.
What a WHINER!!
When are these ‘men’ going to have the balls to endure the curveballs and unpleasant surprises that Life DOES throw at people? ALL people. You’d think they have the market cornered on pain and ‘suffering’. Bunch of wimps, the whole lot of them.
If they could, they wouldn’t be in journalism. At least, they wouldn’t be working for a weekly. I’ve had shit thrown at me while bicycling, and I’ve discovered exactly how fast the perps peel out of the neighborhood the moment I get off my bike, put it to the side, and yell “Want to get out of the car, asshole?”
I don’t agree with stealing people’s shit, but that thief should have slapped that fucking tool.
How many hipster scalps you wanna bet that before they took his photo he stopped the photographer from taking the photo and went and grabbed his coffee off of the table so he could add a 3rd prop (the first being his 25 dollar trucker hat and the second being his ridiculously priced 2500 dollar bike)
I’m from gerrittsen beach and some douche recently stole my bike. What did I do? Get pissed for ten minutes and moved on with my life. This guys a real twat.
Gator skin tires? I guess cruelty is optional when it comes to accessorizing your $2,500 bicycle.
Born and raised in upstate NY, remember what Brooklyn used to be like spending lots of time there as a kid with my aunt and uncle. Been living in Cincinnati for “only” 28 years which around here makes me a newcomer. No claims to being hip or cool, too old (54) and too fucking tired from living a good life complete with a real job, wife and grown kids and am enjoying the fruits of working hard all my life.
Recently leaving a Reds game (pro baseball for all you hipster twats) and as my wife (of 31 years) and I and a good friend are walking in a crosswalk after the game some skinny man-bitch on a bike damn near t-bones my wife. My buddy and I yell at him and he slows down, turns around and comes back and starts yelling at my wife (who is our DD for the night and 100% sober) about getting in his way! My buddy grabs him by his skinny neck, picks him up and puts him up against a 10′ high cast iron fence that separates a bar patio full with patrons from the street, and tells him he can either apologize to my wife or “suffer the consequences.” At this point he looks ready to crap his pants but tries to man up (good for him) by walking back to his bike to retrieve the Daniel Boone-like coon skin cap he was wearing (not so good, especially since he’s about 30 and it was 95 outside). My buddy gives him 10 seconds to think about it, and during this time the hipsters on the patio come to the to fence to tell my buddy to chill out and to try to pump up their weak-ass brethern. Once my bud (a diesel mechanic by trade) reaches 10 he pulls a Leathermen tool out of his pocket, unscrews the bike seat post nut, pulls the seat and post off of the bike and stuffs it down a nearby storm drain! So how does Lance Fucking Armstrong respond? The bitch sits down on the curb and cries!! And when I say cries I mean body-racking sobs like his Mom just got hit by a bus!
So what happens next? Some tatted-up 23-ish year old alleged female inside the fenced-in patio comes up closer to the fence and starts screaming at my buddy for being a heartless bastard and upsetting Stick Boy and then screams at my wife for causing the whole thing! I’d had a few large adult pops at the game and that pushed me over the edge so I screamed at her (like a real movie fan would, paraphrasing), “Shut your fucking mouth, cunt, or I’ll come in there and fuck start your head!” So what does Megan do? Now she’s crying her eyes out and her posse of wimps and pussies are screaming at me (from the other side of the fence)! Best part of the story; a nearby (and at this point unseen) cop witnessed the whole thing! Long story short he gets our version of the truth, listens to their crap and then turns to my wife and asks her if she wants to press charges for nearly getting getting clipped by the bike in the crosswalk that started the whole thing. The Wimp Brigade is now silent and in shock as one of their own may spend some time in the slammer; my wife looked at the still sobbing (and I mean just SOBBING) pipe cleaner and shook her head in disgust and said, “No, that’s cool, no worries. Can you see this guy in lockup?” and the cop just laughed and shook our hands. As we walked past on our way to our car he escorted us and lamented on what a shame it was that such a previously great bar had turned into such a “wimp festival” and that he had met his wife there 25 years ago at 9 AM before a Bengals game! Moral of the story, boys and girls, is that hipsters are everywhere and are like cockroaches; kill them when you get the chance but realize the little vermin are damn near indestructible!
EPIC and I do mean EPIC tale of hipster justice! hats off sir!
I love how even cops hate them. Probably because cops have to work for a living.
You rock. \m/
Where upstate?
Binghamton area, Owego area to be specific.
Sent from Rich’s Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Up near the Finger Lakes? Love that area!
Watertown my own self.
They are everywhere. They invade our Trader Joe’s store constantly. Opening bags of chips and chomping on them whilst waiting in the check out line, making snide remarks under their breath about people who are not ‘one of them’. Staring at people with this blank dazed look. It’s really trashy. The clerks in Trader Joe’s actually make fun of them when they invade. Me and my ladyfriend were in the checkout line paying, when in another line a “meghan hipster snatch” wearing her sunglasses was staring me down, so I stopped what I was doing and just stood there and stared back at her till she stopped. My ladyfriend saw her “hipper than life” douchey boyfriend mumble something to her and my ladyfriend said “is there a problem here? you going to make one?” they froze in their tracks and didn’t say anything. The workers kind of laughed because there was an influx of them in the store at that time. This trend has to stop, they invade everything and everywhere and walk around like arrogant snobs, there’s bound to be more confrontations out there because of the way they act amongst the rest of us…they may be everywhere, but somethings gotta give soon…
Great story! When a hipster cries, an angel gets their wings.
Two whining pussies. The bike thief and this worthless chump who tracked him down. Get fucking jobs and quit acting like 8-year-olds. Does this country breed men anymore?
haha the funniest part is that he grew a beard to “appear tougher”. hahahahahahaha. and “your going down for a FELONY!!” wooo.
“haha the funniest part is that he grew a beard to “appear tougher”. ”
They really do believe that the unkempt lice nests they grow on their faces make them appear more “manly.” It’s like believing in Santa Claus.
He grew the beard to appear tougher when he appears to be a twinky leather bear cub who takes fists up his man hole…seriously.
well to be fair, the leather gay men actually groom their beards and are all around nicely groomed – beards being a longstanding tradition in that part of the gay community. hipsters on the other hand grow lice nests, no leather man wants them for a date! none of the bears would want them either.
Now, fast forward to where he’s protesting the police for doing their jobs, in a way that doesn’t satisfy these bed-wetting liberal pussies, and posting it to the very same account.
Grown-ups get insurance on high-value items. Although it would be hilarious is bike-thief turned around and shot Columbo there.