Someone wrote in:
Hello Die Hipster,
Long time reader, first time writer here…..I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy my job in Williamsburg, but I genuinely do not enjoy the shit I have to see every day in going to work and walking back to the train.
The other day I left the office around 2:00 for a late lunch. I was in the mood for a nice NON-VEGAN, CRUELTY-FILLED ROAST BEEF SANDWICH from the corner bodega that is my neighborhood favorite. So I am walking there, I cross the street, and I see some tattooed Megan riding a bicycle-trolley thing up a street while sucking on a purple ice pop like a seven year old. I do a double-take and ask myself if I really just saw what I thought I did. The trolley is an old boardwalk-style cooler, full of zany-flavored popsicles and other quirky frozen treats. The words on the side read “BROOKLYN ICYCLE”
It went by too fast for me to get a picture with my phone, so I did a Google and found their Facebook page.
http://www.facebook.com/BrooklynIcycle
They sell “vegan and organic” popsicles (I was unaware popsicles could have meat products?? Isn’t it just sugar, water, and flavorings??) by having some 27-year-old funemployed midwestern transplant ride around Williamsburg on a fixie bike.
I’ve seen a lot of shitty things in Williamsburg that attribute to the pussification of this neighborhood, but I think this tops them all.
Yep, just another attempt at Brooklyn branding. These hipster fucks fly in from Kalamazoo to sell popsicles like some kid with a lemonade stand. It’s nice to know how they afford their $2400 a month studios. I’m telling you, just when you think you’ve seen it all - another helium-voiced, cul-de-sac kidult comes out of no where with the next zany New Brooklyn idea. I think I’m gonna compile a list of all the “Brooklyn” branded bullshit that’s come out over the years.
Like yah – can’t wait for the cruelty free chewing gum.
of course you can’t chew it because -like – that would be cruel.
I only eat fair trade Italian Ices brought to the Shwick via covered wagon.
I hope this Megan WHO HAS NO FUCKING RIGHT TO CLAIM BROOKLYN enjoyes a double feature today; Bike Thief followed by an late date with The Hipster Beater.
LIKE YAH!!!!
If you go to their page and look not-too-closely at the picture of the presumed owner… it’s either a guy or an EXTREMELY UGLY Megan.
Good call on the “Brooklyn-based” list. Looking forward to reading it and having my mind blown.
What would be equally entertaining is to see how many of them use “Brooklyn-based” with “artisanal”, “vintage”, or “whimsical” in their product descriptions. I swear, you could probably play a game of Regretsy Bingo with half of them:
http://www.regretsy.com/?s=bingo
Leroy, I forget, was it you who posted this a while back?
For some reason I feel like it was you. If it was, thanks. Brian Williams’ sarcastic hyperbole about “artisanal cheeses” is priceless.
It wasn’t me, but I was just as disgusted as Brian Williams was. Thanks for the compliment, though.
These vapid fucks never disappoint, I wouldn’t expect anything more from them.
http://www.brooklynpaper.com/stories/35/31/24_nurtureart_2012_08_03_bk.html
From that story:
“Elisabeth Smolarz will strip naked to perform a series of simple and delicate gestures involving the eating of fruit”
Yes, this is actually what is written. You simply cannot make this shit up. Quite the artistic talent, this one.
I’m there. I almost never get this kind of entertainment without whipping out my credit card.
Obviously Elisabeth Smolarz couldn’t make the cut at Goldfingers or Rouge.
Yeah, she’s gonna fellate a banana.
The reason she will strip naked is to attract armies of 20-50 year old virgin Joshes, Nathans, Zacharys, Calebs and Colbys to the show so they can say they’ve seen real titties.
Don’t believe me? Google “Hipster Grifter” sometime. Or type it into youtube.
For some slightly more intellectual entertainment, I’m heading out to the local titty bar. (Hell, the hot Columbianas can kick Meghans fat hairy ass anyday).
“….so they can say they’ve seen real titties…”
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not only that, but she will do so “behind closed doors”. So does that mean no one will see it? I hope so.
Oh, and this gem:
“Another artist, Carrie Dashow, is working on a project for the Aug. 31 opening based on the imagined scenario that the priceless artwork housed in the Metropolitan Museum of Art would hang in the average Brooklyn household”
Just stop it – what the fuck would these bearded staycationers know about an ‘average Brooklyn household”?
Shouldn’t we form some sort of guerilla group that infilitrates these events, documents them and point and laugh at these Brooklyn based frauds until they leave?
I’m looking forward to the encore, where Brooklyn based Quinn from Des Moines will eat fair trade hummus while his Korean girlfriend plays a kazoo crafted from locally sourced materials.
…and for us guys I hope she plays it in the same fashion that Vanessa Del Rio used to shoot ping pong balls.
I’m so down to do that Pat I.
Oh I can guarantee it will be condescending and insulting.
Also from that story –
“The idea is to let the art accumulate, because when things are free, people tend to horde them.”
Leaving aside the misspelling (horde for hoard), you have to assume that the hipster in question never took an economics class.
That worked so well in Iraq back in 2003.
“The financial crisis is changing the way artists see themselves. They see that they can’t be supported by the art market anymore, so they have to change their distribution process. They need to find ways to make art other than relying on selling it.”
I now have an art project of my own. It consists of signs that will go up in public restrooms across the planet, reading “Flush Twice: It’s A Long Way to the NurtureART Gallery.”
If they could, I bet they would use Gowanus canal water for these things. Locally-sourced water, like, yah!
cruelty-filled is the only way to go
BROOKLYN BROOKLYN BROOKLYN BROOKLYN BROOKLYN BROOKLYN BROOKLYN BROOKLYN BROOKLYN BROOKLYN BROOKLYN BROOKLYN BROOKLYN BROOKLYN
ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART
ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART
URBAN URBAN URBAN URBAN URBAN URBAN URBAN URBAN URBAN URBAN URBAN URBAN
URBAN URBAN URBAN URBAN URBAN URBAN URBAN URBAN URBAN URBAN URBAN URBAN
When are you guys going to infiltrate the enemy ‘camps’ and heckle the crap outta them? if they can be so bold to run around the hood all smug with no morals or manners, surely some of you ca form a posse and heckle the shit outta these idiots, be it popsicle stand or gallery opening…
That day’s GOT to be coming.
They’ll never figure out, till it’s way too late, that you are not one of them so long as you keep the knitty cap on and the jeans tight LOL If you can’t do tight jeans reliably well, go with that whole 1800′s look.
BROOKLYN BASED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another hipster-approved video by Special Edd!
https://vimeo.com/46793612#
More shameless mass-marketing of hipster culture.
This guy is the biggest joke ever. With Daddys camera, he can do anything.
Why must these transplant pieces of shit film everything they do and everything that happens to them every single day??????????
It’s not so much that they do that, it’s that they continually spray us with it. There’s no escape!
This. EXACTLY.
BROOKLYN BASED SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BROOKLYN BASED THUNDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BROOKLYN BASED RAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, zooey, rain is like, SO urban and gritty here. You can, like, feel the city crying about, like, all the ignoramus knuckledragging locals that are still here. Like ya. They don’t get, like, real art, like, so the sky is like totally trying to wash them away. Yah yah yah.
BROOKLYN BASED LIGHTNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is there one for Brooklyn-based farts? LOL…. ughhhh these people are insufferable!
haha to be fair though, that lightning storm a couple of weeks ago was pretty awesome.
I seem to remember some “Spiritual” hipster in the LES got up on his roof during a lightning storm to be at one with nature. I don’t know if he was holding a metal staff or not but he got struck by lightning and became one with Darwin.
Happened back in 2002 when the LES was just starting to hipsterize. Was in the papers too.
I also remember an urban pioneering gentrifier a few years back telling a stick up kid in Manhattan during a robbery something to the effect of “LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, YAH WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO SHOOT ME?”
Guess what happened to her?
She got shot. DEAD.
Fuck you. I guess you have no one intimate to lose, so enjoy the death of your family members.
AN APARTMENT IN………………………………………………………
BROOKLYN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…”because this is a publisher’s apartment…we have….BOOKS!”
Books???? Before you moved to Brooklyn, the locals had never heard of such things and traded scraps of parchment with one another.
Am currently washing dishes in downtown Toronto apartment. Video is forthcoming. If you’re lucky, will upload one about vacuuming. That one is heart-pounding excitement…As my tea kettle is boiling, I’ll have just enough time to perhaps contemplate buying a chair from Ikea, which will be taken home by cab and in a subway. If you thought the vacuuming video was a show-stopper, this one will be a REAL treat.
Go F YOURSELF YOU TRY-HARD NO TALENT NON WORKING RENT-RAISING DOUGH-FACED FAUX-HEMIAN ZERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gawd, this woman is annoying! I have a headache from listening to Megan Mallrat prattling on.
I left hate on their Facebook wall.
Do you feel empowered now, crybaby?
Not nearly as empowered as I felt when I left you crying after punched you in your face and WALKED (not ran) away with your iPhone. I felt even more empowered when the cops laughed at you.
I wonder how the hipsters are going to make the Bay Ridge sinkhole worse. Sorry for the good folks in Bay Ridge. That sinkhole is attracting media attention and the beardos will indubitably be in tow.
Poor kids. You should seek professional help for your crybaby obsessions.
HERRO STEVIE!!!
Yes, we will seek help. But not before you seek help for your psychopathic trolling. Say, how’s that estrogen treatment going? Got tits yet?
Is that severe, blood-in-your-stool butthurt I’m detecting? LOL!
How long till a Brooklyn-based beatdown?
And I thought Olympia Washington had the worst hipster infestation. Even here there are no “cruelty free” popsicle bicycle vendors…yet. I get the feeling this stupid ass idea will find its way out west. Every time I drive home from work through Olympia I grit my teeth. I want to stop my car and stomp these non-working, lounge around fucks on the neck. I don’t know how these wierdos survive in NYC.
At first I was like “Vegan popsicles…reaallllyy???”, but then I remembered that sugar is often refined by bone charring to decolorize it, making it pure white. Sometimes it’s better not to jump to conclusions.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bone_char