I was bombarded with e-mails about this story – which doesn’t even need a rant being how pathetic it is on its own – but I’ll give it a shot. It’s the 2012 Hipster Olympics which was held in Berlin, Germany – a city that has a pretty bad hipster infestation. Let’s face it, the hipster epidemic is a product of the internet; nothing could spread to certain pockets world-wide so quickly.
So you would think the Hipster Olympics would be held in McCarren Park, Brooklyn but then again there are no hipsters here. Just go up to any glow in the sun, tatted up, short banged Molly or any bearded, chunky glasses, lumberjosh on estrogen on the streets of North Brooklyn and ask them if they’re a hipster. They will give you that nervous laugh and then say with the smuggest of faces “like yah, like no – what’s a hipster?” Here in Brooklyn you would have to name these games The Creative Type Cultural Urban Olympics to get the most participants. The event in Berlin included the Thick Eyeglasses Toss, Eco-Friendly Tote Bag Sack Race, Skinny Jeans Tug of War and the Moustache Drawing Contest. (Seriously, I can’t believe these things are still even relevant; when is going to end – it’s not even funny anymore) I’m sure everyone gets a participation trophy like spoiled little brats.
What’s kind of sad in that second video is that there are quite few normal looking people that are involved; peer pressure, it’s a shame. Also the young boy at the very end; he has a chance to grow up normal but the hipsters have claimed another soul; poor kid, there is probably no turning back now. I can think of a few more events they can do if these games move to Brooklyn next year.
The 100 Meter Urban Beehive Hurdle: participants have to run in sperm-decreasing tight jeans while jumping over unnecessary Brooklyn bee hives.
The healthy, organic, additive free Cigarette Rolling Competition: participants will sit on their gentrified stoops in an effortlessly cool manner and roll as many cigarettes as they can between 9am – 5pm while normal Brooklynites are working like dogs to keep up with inflated rents.
The Brooklyn Triathlon: participants – of course wearing their summer wool ski hats and scarfs - will ride their rusty vintage Schwinn bicycles; covering every single unnecessary, barely-used bike lane in the borough. Then swim the entire length of the Gowanus Canal. Finally, they will have to run down Bedford Avenue for 10 blocks while talking on the cell phone to their Midwestern parents and secure another years worth of rent before they reach the finish line to stay in the magical land of Nieuw Breukelen.