Today, in the 34,000th North Brooklyn coffee shop full of tampon-shaped, bearded, thick-framed glasses wearing transplants I saw one terrified, wanna-be Brooklynite crying into his parentally-bought MacBook because he just read the truth and exposure on Diehipster.com about himself and all his nasally cousins that have ruined Brooklyn. So I dragged him to the middle of McCarren Park and put on such a fireworks show by stuffing 100 M-80′s into his ass that the FDNY came and ran over the crowd of gentrifiers with their truck that were watching. End of story.
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