Well Caleb, Kyle, Zoey, Zach, Molly, Josh, Xander, Colby, Megan and Chase – ask and ye spoiled motherfuckers shall receive. The MTA has caved into the demands of the parasites of North Brooklyn by giving them an extra 100 trains per week. Why? I have no idea. What I do know is that since the MTA is always crying about how they have no money – they certainly are going to take away service from other parts of the system so they can cater to the unwashed masses of North Brooklyn. So remember: If you ride any other train than the L train and you start seeing less trains, or dirtier trains, or whatever you feel is lacking; blame it on the transient pseudo rock stars and artists of North Brooklyn. Why do these funemployed interlopers need more trains? They don’t do shit.
Now, Zoey can get to her 1:30 PM Post-Modern Yoga class on time in the East Village from Williamsburg. Caleb can now pluck away on his upright bass an extra 40 times a week on L trains and collect change in his fedora hat even though he lives in a $300,000 condo. Kyle will now be able to sleep late – even a little past noon - and still get to his 2:00 pm part-time barista job. Colby Lewis and Xander Clark will not have to wait very long on scary subway stops as they pioneer and explore East Brooklyn with their Indian girlfriend Sackogoodweeda. Molly and Josh will now be able to be seen 3 times as much in their purposely paint-stained artiste clothing as they shuttle themselves aimlessly back and forth between Bushwick and Union Square. The No Pants Subway Ride organizers are popping locally sourced rooftop Champagne bottles as you read this.
The craziest part of all this? 80% of the so called ”straphangers in need” that these articles mention will have left Brooklyn and NYC in about 18 – 36 months just to be replaced by a whole new batch of their inbred, attention-starved, fauxhemian cousins from Culdesacia, USA.
Congrats hipsters and yupsters! Your dream of turning Brooklyn into a homogenized extension of your liberal arts campus is happening before your eyes! I’m waiting patiently until you turn Nathan’s into a bookstore and add a unicycle lane onto the Belt Parkway you fucking filthy pussies.