This is a city – not a fucking farm! Am I wrong? Damn! Why oh why oh why do these out-of-place, faux-artsy, hayseed fucks insist on doing rural activities in New York City – one of the largest, most famous and heavily populated CITIES in the world? I’m born and raised in Brooklyn and have done a decent amount of driving along the East Coast. I’m always amazed at just how large this country is - not even having ever driven out west. Shit, there is just so much un-used land out there for these hipster try-hards to pretend to be farmers and whatever they think they are. The problem with that? Nobody to look at them. No stage. No audience. No media. The fact that these hipsters pass up on huge amounts of land, fresh air and privacy to do actual farming in exchange for toxic and relatively tiny spaces in a city is a sure sign of “LOOK-AT-ME-ISM”. And who pays the price? Us normal people do; mainly in the form of rent.
Now thanks to their urban farming and bee keeping, a record number of bee swarms have been spotted around the city - and it’s only going to get worse. Why did the NY Post name the article “New York’s Bee Keeping craze”? New Yorkers don’t give a fuck about it; should’ve been titled “Hipster Transplant Bee Keeping Craze”. What a nightmare for a kid who might happen to get caught in one of these swarms or see 20,000 bees gathering on a stop sign or fire hydrant – it’s like a horror movie. Tell me you mother fucking filthy hipster fucks - what for???? WHAT FOR?? So you can produce a few dozen jars of honey??? Is that it? Or is to slap the title “Apiarist” on your arm to make up for the fact that you are a talentless, attention-starved, jobless, transient, interloping sheep?
Isn’t is funny how these hipsters are glorified in the media? (Don’t forget now; about half the media now consists of hipsters that literally work for coffee and cupcakes so of course they help glorify their fauxhemian cousins)
When some Spanish guy is selling ices somewhere in Sunset Park you won’t see one picture being taken, one journalist around. However, when Hayden the sleeve-tattooed transplant opens a pickle-juice and heirloom cherry flavored snow-cone stand on an industrial block lined with diesel trucks in Bushwick – the New York Times puts him on the cover of their Lifestyles section.
When some Chinese lady literally picks up 1000 bottles and cans a day and recycles them for the deposit, you don’t see anybody approaching her for an interview. But when Phoebe and Zach – iPhone owners and $2200 rent payers in Greenpoint go dumpster diving, there are fucking movie cameras following them making documentaries about fregans and food waste.
When an old New York bakery celebrates it 80th year in business, there’s an article about the size of a classified ad buried somewhere in the newspaper about it. When Megan opens up the 9,000th cupcake cafe this city has seen in the last 18 months, there’s a circus of bearded and thickframed glasses wearing bloggers banging on her door to do an interview.
In the meantime until the city comes to its senses and bans beekeeping – let’s hope all the bee swarms attack the out-of-place kickball games, art galleries, and other hipster get-togethers this summer in Brooklyn.