Today, just as I was about to release a cage full of rats into Whole Foods to scare all the local, sustainable, organic, rent-raising saviors of this city – I saw Ethan the lolly-pop shaped, Pringle man impersonating, barista academy graduate asking people how to get to the nearest Apple store so he can stand there and pull up art blogs on the floor model Macs for all to see how cultured he is. So I tied him to a stop sign with his head phones and repeatedly bitch slapped him across his inbred face for the rest of the afternoon as a bunch of real New Yorkers watched and sang No Sleep Til Brooklyn. End of story.
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A friend of mine sent me the link to your blog a couple months ago. I can NOT get enough. This post in particular had me in stitches!
You should have released that cage full of rats up his asshole.
Hahaha! He might have liked that though…
I gave a Hipster a free Iphone and $200 pair of Beats headphones just so I can send him into a dark alley filled with Latin Kings that i over heard are looking for a new Iphone and Beats headset.
Awesome f’n visuals, as always
I so wish these Hipster Beatings came with illustrations!
I saw the biggest hipster douchebag yesterday; he was at one of those crazy shaped bike racks in Manhattan, and he had to have stood there for at least 10 minutes just posing with his bike (with glittrry strips that looked like Xmas tree glitter hanging from every inch of the frame), as if he was some fucking celebrity waiting to get swarmed by cameras – the bike looked like a failed art project. The hipster = that douchebag wool hat, body of Nancy Reagan, head of the WB Mason guy, the huge earlobe piercings, and the Buddy Holly glasses. Oh, and what bar was about 1 block away? Yep, The Penny Farthing. I wish I had a camera on me to snap his photo so we could hip the shit out of him, but it probably woulda made his year if he caught someone taking his picture. He woulda blogged back to Iowa about how, since he’s so quirky and creative, the locals must think he’s a world famous artist. If I ever see that bike again, I’m gonna snip the lock off and give it to a crackhead.
LOL @ body of Nancy Reagan!! That Penny Farthing place – I was actually in there on a Sunday during the nfl playoffs. We were looking for a place with seats to watch the game so we were going place to place along 3rd ave. Didnt end up staying because there were no seats – but surprisingly, there wasn’t a hipster crowd in there. I forgot to take a picture and post it. I thought when I walked in I would see 100 wb mason and Pringles guy types.
Your hipster and others like him, including self obsessed non-hipsters, walk around always saying to themselves, “I MUST look GREAT ! EVERYBODY is lookking at ME!!!!!”.
If only they understood the real reason why.
It’s beecoss theer so gosh darned cute doncha-no?
LOL !
So what makes someone a real New Yorker? Do they have to be born here, or live here for a certain number of years?
A New Yorker respects other, earns his keep and does not become a burden on his neighbors and city.
Oh and he or she is not some Reddi Kilowatt physiqued, fedora wearing d*8chebag.
There’s more but DH has done an excellent job of defining what a NYer isn’t so I’m not gonna
go there.
All of these things are great qualities but don’t seem specific to New Yorkers. I know plenty of non-New Yorkers who are respectful of others, who earn their keep and who aren’t burdens to society. Likewise, I know some people who were born in NYC for whom these things aren’t true at all.
That’s right these are human qualities – the things that make societies great. People who posess these qualities are an asset to their communities. Unlike hipsters who if I ruled the world would be used as little more than speed bumps and police dog chew toys.
You just replied to a Stevie or other sock puppet under a new name.
That’s OK. Maybe if I can keep repeating the same sh*t over and over they’ll start to understand – much like water dripping on a stone.
“Gutta cavat lapidem ” -Ovid
Robert De Niro, Joe Pesci, and Harvey Keitel.
It’s a start…
Speaking of headphones…
Here’s a typical hipster review, though an anonymous one so I can overtly acknowledge that I’m speculating based only on experience and not first hand knowledge of this person. Though using Dr.Dre’s name and an admission to having a gift card for Urban Outfitters is pretty strong circumstantial evidence imho.
Let me say why I think it’s the work of a hipster: Because the writing has nothing to do with the topic title.
http://www.technobuffalo.com/reviews/user-submitted-picking-the-perfect-pair-of-headphones/
First I’ll say that I wouldn’t recommend technobuffalo to begin with for any thing tech related so I don’t get accused of b.s. by some little lamb who shall go nameless.
Second, I’ll just ask you to look at the ( short! ) article itself and ask yourself this question: Does this person actually review the important things about headphones?
Wait, you’re busy so let me help. The answer is “No”. Hiptards never do answer questions. Hell, they’ve never been able to answer if they are hipsters! How can they write credibly about any topic if they can’t even identify themselves?
Rather than mention, based on budget projections, what are the best SOUNDING headphones for his mean price range, the author of the article goes on and on about color and style.
Yep, if I’m going to spend 80 bones on a pair of headphones I’ll use twice a day, that’s what I know about. What can color can I get them in? Are they skater style, or futurama? Can I find them in Urban Outfitters?
Dr.Dre must be laughing his backside off thinking about all the thin, pasty, daddy funded white boys trying to find some credibility in his name for themselves.
The headphones are like vinyl for these clowns. They’ll wake up in a few months with the realization everything they own absorbs huge footprints of space and moving those 8,000 old albums to the new shit hole will eat up first and last months rent all by themselves. That if they were really concerned about ‘green’ topics, they’d figure out how to earn some green and then figure out how to practice what they preach by buying things that don’t require ten landfills just for their own pre-pubescent, kewl-kid cravings.
This article was submitted by Maxx Mines, and has been edited only for spelling, grammar and punctuation. Any opinions expressed in a User Submitted article are solely those of the author and do not reflect that of TechnoBuffalo.com, its management, employees or its advertisers.
Gee, I wonder what it read like before being edited for spelling, grammar and punctuation? Is this guy 14? Why do so many hipster articles read like school essays? “Write 2 pages about your picnic in the woods with Mommy and Daddy last Sunday”. But you can do it after Spongebob Squarepants is over. Would you like more warm milk for your Count Chocula?
I cannot begin or end my day without stopping by this site.
I only wish “Today’s Hipster Beatings” really happened.
I would die a happy human then.
You guys HAVE to see the Dictator movie. I saw it at the UA in sheepshead this weekend, and they ABUSE hipsters. Really funny…
http://thecaptainpower.blogspot.com/2012/05/bodybuilding-capital-of-world-new.html
I’ve heard about it. Apparently he goes to some Brooklyn organic farm and falls in love with the hairy Meghan. I’m not such a big fan of Cohen but I’ll definitely check this one out.
its pretty funny, really makes fun of hipsters borat style….
http://www.esquire.com/blogs/food-for-men/worst-coffee-trends-060210
Here’s a piece written by Todd Carmichael – co-owner of La Colombe coffee roasters in Philly.
He gives hipsters a nice dose of butthurt here.
Ten years ago, the first time I heard about one of those super-nerd solar-oven coffee roasters, I figured “Okay, that’s interesting” and moved on. I had no idea that a decade later, this would be the coffee equivalent of wearing a Boba Fett costume in public.
“The Great GoogaMooga: Not So Great?”
Looking at this article, one has to realize that this was NEW YORK MAGAZINE! For them to abuse their “base”, the actual event was probably much worse.
“It started at the gate, where festivalgoers who’d planned on rendezvousing inside with pals realized that there was, effectively, no cell-phone service thanks to massively overloaded networks. Since the overlap of people attached to their smartphones and people who attend artisan food festivals is approximately 100 percent, this resulted in the sort of desperate, angry scowling and ape-like poking at nonresponsive devices that would have struck crabby attendee Intel Noreen as a humorous and yet trenchant commentary on modern technological dependency if she’d been able to look up from her own “message send failure” disaster long enough to think such thoughts. (Only with the passage of time has she recovered enough from the tragic hours-long isolation from digital connectivity to do so.)
http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2012/05/great-googamooga-not-so-great.html