Today, I saw Quaid the fairtrade coffee drinking, bearded, Grover-bodied gentrifier on his way to deliver a petition to his local congressman signed by 7,000 other Brooklyn-ruining transplants to permanently make Williamsburg, Greenpoint and Bushwick car-free zones so that funemployed pioneers can turn the streets into everyday flea markets to sell hand-crafted pickles, penny farthing accessories and paper clip-Cheerios necklaces. So I dragged him by his filthy Converse sneakers to the batting cages and held his face in front of the 95mph fast ball machine until he was shitting baseballs. End of story.
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